I am at the end of my teather with my 13yr old son, he is verbaly and phisicllay abusive with every 1 in my home. If I ask him 2 do something he tells me 2 get f**ked. If I send him 2 his room he will smash things up, punch holes in doors, throws things down the stair, he hits my other three children when they won't do what he wants them 2 do(incuding my 3yr old). He has hurt my 11yr old so badly that he had 2 go 2 hospital. I have asked for help from social services, they just tell me its my responsibility 2 keep my other children safe. I have tried getting him help with a theripist and a family theripist but he won't have anything to do with them. I hate the way I feel about him and want that close relationship we once had back more than anything. I know we can't carry on like this but I don't know what 2 do

Seems like he has gone beyond the normal hormonal problems teens have and from the way you describe him sounds like he has mental issues. Suggest a straight jacket, no just kidding, but it seems you have used your head and tried just about everything you can think of. Perhaps you should have got the police involved when he assaulted your 11year old. And... he is assaulting your other children.

Call Family Services again, get a counsellor out there and have the riot act read to him. He needs a good heads up on this so he knows what he is doing is not acceptable. I am hoping others with more knowledge about this will chime in, so don't give up on the site, I am sure you will hear some other plausible suggestions.

What ever happened to those boot camps for troubled teens ? I still go for my suggestion of having him charged, I know that is a tough c all for a mom, but just about anything would help you right now.

Tick

I was going to suggeest boot camp as well. I was never a bad kid when I was growing up but my step-mom had it in her head that I was the devil. She threatened me with boot camp all the time. Instead she just used the methods they used in bootcamp. It was hell but my dad was also abusive towards me and with some hard work and some harsh punishments I turned out OK. Just to set the records straight, I was normal then but it did make me a better person. I really suggest Bootcamp. There is one somewhere that requires you to do everything yourself. They just kind of have you in an area and have you survive for yourself. Maybe you can find that one and send him there.

I did a little search, read up a bit on boot camps. Apparently do not exist anymore as they were depicted a few years on reality TV. Some suggestions are military boot camps, etc. and there are fees, but definitely for troubled teens who can't control themselves in a family environment.

Here is a website to explore and I hope it will enlighten you, if no, if you Google 'boot camps for trouble teens', there is a lot of reading to do.

Tick

i hate my son
What ever happened to those boot camps for troubled teens ? Hello tick and clair:

No regulation. Kids died. They're done. Good riddance.

However, living in a house where your mother could utter such foul words, might be worse. Poor kid. Clair, you need some parenting skills.

excon

Hello tick and clair:

No regulation. Kids died. They're done. Good riddance.

However, living in a house where your mother could utter such foul words, might be worse. Poor kid. Clair, you need some parenting skills.

excon

I remember a while ago that you had the same opinion of boot camps. I agree, the way they were run was not safe enough. No consideration for the human spirit, or body, just get the kid re-invented by plain cruelty, but there are boot camps now that are better; say the military style.

As for parenting skills for Clair, I don't agree with your comment. We don't know what her parenting skills are. I have heard 'I hate that kid' a few times and its just voicing complete frustration with the situation. I have said that too to myself, like, arrrrrrrrrrgh I hate that kid ! But never mean it and never will. I will never say that out loud because I don't mean it. I am and always will be a good mother, however, I never had the troubles this lady has.

Clair is here because she has run out of patience. She has other kids which are being beat up on by this kid. He has a long way to go before he is out of that household at l3 years old.

They are in the UK by the way where there is still a lot of social barrier within the younger communities that we will never understand.

Tick

Your right tickle, it is pure fustration, I love all my children more than anything, but I do hate the way he is because I know he is worth so much more. I want more than anything 2 help him and I have no idea how 2 do it.he has never heard me say I hate him, I tell him everyday how much I love him. Maybe I do need parenting skills. I am on my own with 4 children and get no support from there father, I have very little family support because they don't visit anymore bacause of how bad things are. The 3 younger childeren are great, I have soom probs with them but then they wouldn't be children if I I didn't. I worry daliy about what he will do next and how far he will go, or who's going 2 get hurt.

My cousin graduated from here two years ago - perhaps there is something similar in your area. It helped him tremendously and was free of charge through a scholarship he applied for through the school itself. Michigan Youth ChalleNGe Academy | Michigan (http://www.ngycp.org/site/state/mi/)

I think that's jumping ahead a bit though.

Do you know why your son is lashing out? Has something happened or is currently happening to cause his rage? I believe knowing the root can help find a solution. Sometimes its just hormonal, other times its more.

He may push you away, but give him a hug or leave a note where he'll find it... just tell him you love him. Even if he acts poorly in response, it'll be good for him to hear - and he will absorb it - even if he doesn't show it on the outside.

Good luck - and don't give up on him. There is something he needs -its just a matter of finding out what.

I can relate Clair. I too had a troubled, violent teen, who turned on a dime.

She was not criminal, she was mentally ill. Getting the police involved, and going through the revolving doors of detention, probation etc. won't solve the problem of mental illness. 'Smartening them up' won't either. Acting out, and having a mental illness are two different, and distinct situations.

The first thing I want to say to you is don't give up. You will hear 'let him hit rock bottom', or 'throw him out' etc. and that too only puts a mentally ill person on the street where he is vunerable to all the worst society has to offer.

I had to actually have my daughter charged with assault, before I stood up in the court room and asked to address the Judge. I begged for a 30 day psychiatric evaluation. I got it.

To this day she is being treated for concurrent disorders.

Knock down doors, speak to your Doctor for a referral, go to your MP (I did), and I also did an interview with a local paper over the dire straights of these kids with nowhere to go that desperately need help.

Phone your social services again. Demand a social worker to come to your home to assess the emotional and physical damage that is happening, and insist that she do her job. The last one was a dud- trust me on that.

He needs to be contained in a safe environment, he needs to be assessed, properly diagnosed, detoxed if necessary, put on medication depending upon the diagnosis, and seen for regular followups.

Once you get your foot in the door that he won't open himself, keep it there until his needs are addressed.

If they aren't, he will end up being another statistic of a mentally ill man.

I've tried 2 look into mental illness but because he won't talk 2 anyone his case just gets closed, which just re-enforce that if he throws a big enough tantrum he can get his own way, things work very differently in the uk. Do you really think that could be the problem

Its not me he is angry with its his dad, he wants his dad 2 love him, but his dad wants nothing 2 do with him because he's 2 much like hard work. I will never give up on him and I have no intention of throwing him out, he belongs with me and that's where he will stay. I just want things 2 get better 4 his sake before he ends with a criminal record.

Clair, my heart goes out to you. He is suffering rejection then, pretty hard to take for one so young, especially from his dad. Knowing a parent doesn't want anything to do with you must be devastating. Could you possibly find a mentoring programme in your community? Yes, I know things work so much differently in the UK, but teens have the same problem all over the world and there must be something that will work. Do hugs work with him, or does he reject you because his dad rejects him?

Ms tick

I'm not sure what a mentoring program is, he's on a thing where they take him out on trips and offer an ear if he need someone 2 talk 2.
I wish I could hug him, but he won't let me, says he 2 big 4 hugs

im not sure what a mentoring program is, hes on a thing where they take him out on trips n offer an ear if he need some1 2 talk 2.
i wish i could hug him, but he wont let me, says he 2 big 4 hugs

Well yes, that's sort of a mentoring programme. Do you have Big Brother in the UK. That is a one on one situation between a troubled young one and a father figure type of person.

I think one of our members had a great idea about leaving the odd note for him around to find, maybe in his room, telling him how much you love him.

Tick

Your son sounds a lot like my brother. I spent most of my life getting the snot beat out of me everyday at even the slightest thing. If I looked at him wrong or happened to be in his way or said something or even if I was hiding from him, he would find a reason to start hitting me. I ended up in the hospital a couple times, once for stitches and once to have a gash in my head examined. I eventually just stoppede telling my mom when he hurt me, because her only advise was to tell me to stop agrivating him.

I'm glad you are actively trying to get him help. Does the uk have court ordered therapy? That's what eventually got my brother diagnosed.

He has an anger disorder that means he simply doesn't try to control his anger. There's a similar disorder that makes it impossible to control their anger, almost like bipolar disorder. There's a medication that can be prescribed for both disorders. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work with the first one.

I can tell you this, if you don't find him help, it will likely only get worse. The fact that you are actively seeking help, says a lot. Refuse to stop until you find the help you need.

As far as him busting things up; if it's his stuff, let him, and don't replace it. If it's someone else's stuff, start charging him for each thing he breaks. If he gets an allowance, start docking the charges. If he doesn't, then start taking his stuff away until he works off the charges somehow. Don't let him go out with friends, play video games, watch TV, use the computer, or any other privileges.

He would never be able 2 pay for the things he has destroyed with his pocket money. He has smashed a laptop up, my back gate and my car(it was that badly damaged it had to be scrapped) then there's all the little things he has wrecked, he must owe me about £5000 by now,

Just been reading someone's post about being scared of her brother and it made me realise I have never asked my other children how its affecting them. That's something I think I need 2 do.

Don't have big brother here or court order therapy, but will look it 2 it and see if I can find something like it.

I'm so grateful for all the advice, I hope everyone that has read this knows I don't hate my son, he's my life. I have a lot 2 think about
Thank you

I didn't realize the level of damage was that high. If he's consciously destroying things that are that expensive, then the sooner you can find him help, the better. violence and destruction rarely lessen on their own.

I'm defo going get the help that we need, the fact that I posted that I hate my son tells me that my family is falling apart fast and my relationship is worse than I thought. If I don't do everything I can 2 put it right now then there's going to be nothing left 2 save.

I'm so pleased I found this site

Here are a few links you might keep handy and it may help you gain perspective and a few resources near you.

Ref:

Mental-health services for children patchy in the UK : The Lancet (http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140673607610708/fulltext)

Mental Health In The UK - MHUK (http://www.mentalhealthintheuk.co.uk/)


If you scroll down there are links on the left for service providers that may help you.

Hello again, clair:

It might be his diet too. Does he eat healthy food? Does he eat what he's served in school? Does your family have dinner together? I'll bet if you change his diet, you'll change his attitude.

excon

Hello again, clair:

It might be his diet too. Does he eat healthy food?? Does he eat what he's served in school? Does your family have dinner together? I'll bet if you change his diet, you'll change his attitude.

excon

Yes, from what clair says, it can't be raw steak. But, yes you do have a good point, maybe some vitamins along the line of ones that help his mental capabilities, or brain food. Not being facetious.

Tick

We do eat healthy most of the time, but not all the time. He spends all of his pocket money on sweets. Its definitely worth looking into. He doesn't take vitamins, again worth looking into, thanks

Clairuk, no matter what he does or doesn't do, don't give up on him. He is not evil, he is sick. This is your child. I am sure that you are frustrated. But you should never say that you "hate" your own child. Look at the title of this thread. For that you should be ashamed. I know you probably meant his behavior, but... still.

And "textspeak" is not allowed here. It messes up the translation program. "2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,......"

But I do wish you peace and understanding.

Jake2008 is very knowledgeable, and has some very sound advice. It's a starting point. You should look into it.

God bless you and your family.

Hi jm, we have already allowed clair's textspeak; you are the only one who has mentioned this. I could have metioned this too, but just didn't want to because she was so upset with her situation. She was in a hurry, found our site, and just went for it to explain fast, how she felt.

I am sure she is now relaxed knowing we are here for her and her son.

You have to read through the WHOLE thread to see what went before. I am guilty of that sometimes and come in at the end not knowinfg what went before in a long thread like this.

hi jm, we have already allowed clair's textspeak; you are the only one who has mentioned this. I could have metioned this too, but just didnt want to because she was so upset with her situation. She was in a hurry, found our site, and just went for it to explain fast, how she felt.

I am sure she is now relaxed knowing we are here for her and her son.

You have to read through the WHOLE thread to see what went before. I am guilty of that sometimes and come in at the end not knowinfg what went before in a long thread like this.

Thanks, Tick for the "excuse". But I did read the whole thread.

Thanks, Tick for the "excuse". But I did read the whole thread.


Yes, I know you are always quite proper and I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I am 'quite proper' in my way too.

Tick

he would never be able 2 pay for the things he has destroyed with his pocket money. he has smashed a laptop up, my back gate n my car(it was that badly damaged it had 2 be scrapped) then theres all the little things he has wrecked, he must owe me about £5000 by now,

just been reading someone's post about being scared of her brother and it made me realise i have never asked my other children how its affecting them. thats something i think i need 2 do.

dont have big brother here or court order therapy, but will look it 2 it n see if i can find something like it.

im so grateful for all the advice, i hope everyone that has read this knows i dont hate my son, hes my life. i have a lot 2 think about
thank you

Pretty sure that post was mine.

he would never be able 2 pay for the things he has destroyed with his pocket money. he has smashed a laptop up, my back gate n my car(it was that badly damaged it had 2 be scrapped) then theres all the little things he has wrecked, he must owe me about £5000 by now,

just been reading someone's post about being scared of her brother and it made me realise i have never asked my other children how its affecting them. thats something i think i need 2 do.

dont have big brother here or court order therapy, but will look it 2 it n see if i can find something like it.

im so grateful for all the advice, i hope everyone that has read this knows i dont hate my son, hes my life. i have a lot 2 think about
thank you

Yes, please do. Getting them into counseling wouldn't be a bad idea. It's a form of abuse and domestic violence that is usually overlooked and often goes untreated.

I grew up afraid of my brother. I'm still a little afraid of him. He still yells and screams and, even though it's been years since he's hit me, there's still a large part of me that thinks that he's going to hit me when he's mad around me, even if it's not directed at me.

One of the worst feelings in the world, is to never feel safe when you're at home. I spent most of my life walking on eggshells. I did my best to never say or do anything that would make him mad. I hid in my room, or in a closet, when he was mad. I remember being about 9 years old and hiding behind the couch and writing up a 'will' because I honestly thought he was going to kill me.

I have no idea how your other kids feel. I can only guess from the little you've said. I'm guessing that him hitting them and beating on them is a fairly common occurrence (meaning, it happens at least a few times a month), and you said he put his brother in the hospital.

Do they avoid him? visible react when he's angry? Get quiet when he's around? Try not to be in the same room with him?

If any of those questions are a yes, then they're definitely afraid of him. You need to show them that you DO love them and care about their safety. Stand up for them when he gets violent. Never even hint that they are in the wrong for making him angry, if his reaction is irrational. Do your best to spend time with them one on one and listen to them talk and ask them how they're doing. Don't immediately discount anything they say against your teenager just because there's no obvious proof.

I'm not saying you do any of those things. I just know that it's an easy pattern to slip into without noticing. You're a single mother trying to raise a problem child. It's easy to put the others on a backburner because they don't require as much focus and worry. It's also easy to look for the simplest way to end a conflict, and slight the other children in the process. It's not intentional, but it's not something they will likely forget, and will have a hard time forgiving when they're old enough to understand.

Like I said, looking into getting them therapy would be a good idea. If nothing else, it will give them someone else to talk to. Someone who can help them figure out exactly what they're feeling so they can deal with the feelings. It's also possible that hearing what things are like from your other kids will make someone take a closer look at your teenager so he can get the help he needs.

Pretty sure that post was mine.

Yes, it was yours:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-family-people/scared-younger-brother-442522.html

Clair,

He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, he thinks everything is wrong with the rest of the family. The point is, he won't talk, you have only his behaviour to go on in explaining what he's doing to himself, and others.

When you are looking into the mental health issues, find a competent person- it isn't easy. I think you are in the UK and have universal health care, as we have here in Canada. Lie if you have to. Tell them he is suicidal, and threatening others in the house. Say what you need to say in order for him to be assessed, without his permission. That was my whole point of saying that I had to have my daughter charged after a bone-breaking assault on me, in order to have a court assessment. At the time, that was the only way I could have her remanded to a mental health hospital.

Having backup by a formal assessment by Social Services, provides a written start to the situation in your home, and how it affects everybody. Make detailed notes as to all the incidents, behaviours, impressions, everything you can detail, and have her attach that to her report. Get a copy of the report and visit your Doctor, and ask for assistance in a referral to a Psychiatrist familiar with teenage mental health issues, and beg if you have to, for an in-patient referral to last at least 30 days.

In my case, it took a severe beating before I came up with a plan to get her into a hospital, and she needed to be escorted by police to a secure setting.

If you try the social worker/family doctor/psychiatrist route, you may avoid what will most certainly be physical escalation against family members.

Make it your goal to come up fighting, and don't let anybody stop you. Question everything, and if they say they don't think he needs anything but discipline, ask them to explain that within the understanding of what information you have given them. They won't like being questioned, but this is your son. Shake them up, make demands.

I hope you find the strength to see this through. I'm certainly not one to judge you, or your son, or your family. I'm only speaking through experience, and I may very well be over the top here, but I see so many familiar elements of mental illness. You are a wonderful loving mother like I am, but you are not a psychiatrist.

Hheath has a very good point about addressing the needs of the other children and the needs of you and your husband.

That to me is also a sign that your son has so taken over the stability of everybody, to the point where only his needs are being addressed.

Also excon's advice about diet is good. Even a holistic practitioner will do a proper diet assessment, and that might be an easier thing for your son to do; less intimidating than seeing a doctor.

I didn't read all the posts so please forgive if I repeat something.

Has anyone mentioned the fact that this kid is 13? I've never been a 13 year old boy, but I remember being a 13 year old girl and boy oh boy, it wasn't a piece of cake.

I do think there's more going on then just being a teenager with hormones shooting out left right and center, but still, that may be a part of it.

This young man needs help. The rejection of his dad, the fact that his body and mind are in conflict because of his age, it's a recipe for disaster, and the dish is cooked.

I know that the OP has stated that he won't talk to anyone, but find the right therapist and he may.

Maybe even try setting him up with an account here, then you can monitor. Maybe talking to strangers he doesn't have to face will do the trick. It can't hurt. The people on this site and their expertise is amazing. Worth a try.

I really hope it all works out. I know you don't hate him, but I can understand being at the end of your rope with his behavior. No quick fix, but I don't think he's broken beyond repair.

Good luck.

I know people have said it before, but it bears repeating.

DON'T give up on him. Kids can tell, even if you think you're hiding it well.

By the time my brother was 13, our mom had basically given up. She still loved him. She stilled cared what happened to him. She was still bothered by his behavior. She just gave up trying to discipline him.

There ended up being two sets of rules. One for me, and one for him. I was expected to follow mine to the letter, but nothing ever happened when he didn't follow his. She stopped even attempting to ground him or send him to his room. She would get upset when he was out late, but he never actually got in trouble for it. When he would pick a fight, it was easier for her to just send me to my room, since he never listened to her anyway. She just stopped trying to correct his behavior, because she knew he wouldn't listen.

When he was 14, he was arrested for the first time. He had been breaking into cars and stealing things. He ended up with several misdemeanors and a few felonies against him (the felonies were for a gun he found in one of the cars. They charged him separately for stealing, possessing, and selling a firearm). He spent a little more than a year in juvenile lock up. When he got out, he had to repeat his 9th grade year, because he'd missed it while in jail.

By the end of the first semester, he had a GPA of 0. he hadn't done any homework, had refused to take tests (or just handed them in blank), and had skipped so many days that there just weren't any grades to calculate. He would leave for school, and be gone for days at a time. My mom would call the police and say he was missing at least once a week. They would find him a couple days later. A few days after that, he'd disappear again. As soon as he turned 16, he convinced his probation officer and our mother to sign the papers to let him drop out of high school.

He was in and out of juvie more times than I bothered to count for the couple years after that. Most of the times were for violating his probation. A few times were for new charges. He stole a pair of boots from a store. He stole money and dealer's license plates (which counts as a felony) from the car lot our grandpa worked for (our grandpa managed to convince the owner not to file charges on the license plates, but he did have to work off the money he stole after he got back out of lock up). He gave me a black eye. He was caught in the company of other convicted criminals. He was found with alcohol. He got high on the way to a scheduled drug test and then had a screaming fit in the middle of the court house when he failed it.

After he turned 18, he didn't change much. He stole from somewhere again, and ended up in the county jail that time. His only complaint was that they didn't have cable and he didn't have any junk food to eat. He's been in and out of the county jail a few times, now.

Our mom still doesn't do anything about his behavior. He was supposed to fix something on her car, but stole the money she gave him to buy the part, and she didn't even confront him about it. He broke into her apartment on more than one occasion to steal food. He borrows her car all the time and leaves her with no way to work. Sometimes, he borrows it while she at work and leaves her no way to get home. He'll disappear for days with her car and refuse to answer her calls, then return it with no gas or tell her there's something wrong with it, now. She never yells at him, or stops letting him walk all over her.

I think, if she'd had the resources and ability to find him help, things would've turned out quite differently. They just weren't available to us where we were. There wasn't money to put him in therapy, and there were no programs that would help.

Hopefully, you'll be able to find the help your son needs.

I only tell you about my brother, because I don't want your son to turn out like him. The way he acted tore my family apart. We still aren't close, because I can't forgive him the way he treated me or her for not stopping him.

It's obvious you love your son. It's also obvious that he's out of control and you're lost. Take jake's advice. Do WHATEVER you can to get him the help he needs. Find a way to get him admitted to a mental health facility for evaluation. Lie. Tell the truth. Tell them that you fear for the lives of your other children. Just find a way to get him the therapy, and probably the medication, that he needs.

While he under observation, take the opportunity to spend some quality time with your other children. Do something fun. Spend a day at a park. Just be there for them and let them know that you're willing and able to listen, and that you love them. Then, find a good therapist they can talk to. Find a therapist for yourself, too. Start family therapy, if possible. You all need someone to talk to.

Hi, my heart goes out to you and your family. Your son sounds a lot like my brother used to be when he was missing a father figure. He would even complain that the dog was female... anyhow, maybe what you could do is find a BIG BROTHER association, so he could have an authoritative male figure to look up to without feeling like he is being told what to do. Plus it might reassure him that someone would actually take the time to want to know him just for him. Personnaly I think he has abandonment issues do to his dad and an enormous lack of selfesteem. As for you, I can only speak of my experience with my mom, boy do we love and respect them as we become adults and understand a bit more about life. Imade my mom go through hell and back between my adolescent and diabetes crisis and I can honestly tell you SHE IS MY TRUE HERO!! Just know that he loves you, its himself I think he does not love simply because his father won't love him. So logically for a child he thinks he is not worth it. One of my nieces, at a very young age, 4 years old, started acting out violently, I manage to get her to talk and what I learned was that when she knew she had to leave a place or person she was happy with(even for a short while) she would get angry and say terrible things just to make it easier to leave. Just be pqtient and try a big brother approach, nice and gentle with lots of understanding.

I think you should think hard about what is making him so angry. Yes, there have to be limits of some kind. But as you've already found, he's too big and strong for you to control physically. It has to be at an emotional level. I think Jake makes some great points. She's been through this. But make it clear to him that you still have his back and he is still your son, even though you are so frustrated with him. Be honest about your feelings, but not brutal. You can still help him.

All the advice I have received has been great, I will never give up on my son, I will keep trying to help him for as long as it takes.
There is a side to my son that is amazing, when he is like this I love to be around him and do things with him, chat with him, he is full of love. I think I find it hard to remember that when he is angry.

all the advice i have received has been great, i will never give up on my son, i will keep trying to help him for as long as it takes.
there is a side to my son that is amazing, when he is like this i love to be around him and do things with him, chat with him, he is full of love. i think i find it hard to remember that when he is angry.

Has he been tested for bipolar disorder?

Fight him, I really mean it fight him get him so angry that it scares you. Punches what ever it takes fight him. Just do not lose, he will exhaust himself before you do. When he as finally finish just hug him, as only a mother could and you will hear the sorries coming from him. He hurts, it sounds like he hurts so much that he as to hurt others. You have to get it out of him and it will not be easy. If you had a broken arm you would still want to hug your child no matter how much it hurt.

Fight him, i really mean it fight him get him so angry that it scares you. Punches what ever it takes fight him. Just do not lose, he will exhaust himself before you do. When he as finally finish just hug him, as only a mother could and you will hear the sorries coming from him. He hurts, it sounds like he hurts so much that he as to hurt others. You have to get it out of him and it will not be easy. If you had a broken arm you would still want to hug your child no matter how much it hurt.

Getting into a physical altercation with her son is NOT a good idea. All he would have to do is cry child abuse and SHE would end up being the one in trouble.

Sorry I meant that her son gets so angry that he loses it. Verbally and physically. He releases all of his anger. I didn't mean she should hit him. Wrong wording on my part

It doesn't matter if she hits him, or not. All it would take is him claiming that she did. If he breaks anything in the fight or hurts himself, even if it's just from punching a wall, it will only lend credence to his story.

Do not care I would rather my child hurt me then hurt others

Do not care i would rather my child hurt me then hurt others

While I can't argue with that, I don't think this is a situation where a 'breakthrough' moment is going to change everything. It honestly sounds like a chemical imbalance that will need to be medicated.

I think he needs to cry and he needs to cry so much that he is afraid to do so. That will at least be a starting point.

I would love for my children to cry. I do not want them to ever but I would like to know their pain.

I've read through everything since my last post and I stand by my suggestion to leave him various notes, etc. reminding him that you love him. At that age, boys without the troubles he has will often reject physical love (hugs) from parents. If that's the case, continue to try or at least leave other messages of love... even text him once in a while! Believe me, every little bit helps.

Now that I read more of your story, I can relate better. My brother and I were rejected by our parents. My brother took to the depressed/withdrawn route - I was the depressed/angry one. Because I didn't have one caring parent (like he luckily has you) I found love and acceptance through other relatives - particularly and aunt and older cousins who forced hugs and treated me like a respected, loved individual. Does your son have anyone that can step in like this and help you? Do not take this personally, but because you are his parent, and have other children, he may also be faced with guilt (believe it or not) that he's too much for you to handle. He's in a self-pity sort of state facing this terrible rejection - that doesn't mean some part of him isn't aware of his actions or how they affect you and his siblings. Often, that will create a vicious cycle that might even make him angrier -- all along, he doesn't know of any other outlets for his anger, fear, sadness, and disappointment. Its really unfortunate---this is an important age for a boy and his father---to be rejected, his heart is obviously broken. I'm so sorry for him and the rest of you who want to help him so badly {{hugs}}

Continue to persist with your affections toward him - write him an honest note and explain that you love him and want to make him feel better--then ask him what might help. (Maybe even art class can help him express himself more constructively?) Even if he ignores you or shows more anger, eventually it will sink in. It may be a long while from now, but he will sit back one day and appreciate you for it. Just now, its hard for him to see.

Good luck to you

Love hurts, if it did not it would not be worthwhile. Through love you learn to feel the pain of others. When feeling their pain you learn to help them. When loving them you help them to love. It is hard and it can be a long road but it is worth it.

I can't imagine living through this type of situation, although I know a lot of moms do because there have been other threads here similar.

I know, I just had to say it. My son is the best around. I know he will never let me down in anything.

Tick

He really is not always that bad, we do have some really good days. When I started this thread we had just had a massive row because he didn't want to do his job, and I felt incredibly low as I always do after things get bad.

So far he has never tried hitting me and I hope he never does. He is a very big lad for his age, and already bigger than me. There's no way I could defend myself against him. As hheath514 said he could make some really harmful claims if I did.

I have made him an appointment to see our doctor for the end of the week so hopefully that will be the beginning of helping my son be the happy teenager he should be.

I'm glad you're getting things underway. Just remember, don't let anyone tell you your son doesn't need help or try to push you off to the side.

Clair no matter how much it hurts don't give up on him. I wish I could remember fighting with my parents or annoying them but that's in another life for me. I have 2 sons who I adore but teenage years have yet to come for me.

I have my fingers crossed because I know in the UK these procedures do not carry along the way they do on this continent. I know it is hard to understand, but old values and social networks, pecking orders are still in place .

tick

I won't give up on him. I'm so much more focused than I was a few days ago. I know its going to be a long time before there is any sign of improvement but I know if I keep trying hard to get the help he really needs there is a brighter future for him and my whole family.

i won't give up on him. i'm so much more focused than i was a few days ago. i know its going to be a long time before there is any sign of improvement but i know if i keep trying hard to get the help he really needs there is a brighter future for him and my whole family.

I hope so to, clair, but don't forget, we have our own specific problems here and a lot gets hidden away and never dealt with, but you have the benefit of socialized medicine so you can seek out the proper organizations to deal with this. I know its hard once you have a phone number and find that that leads you another way and there will be a lot of roadblocks, but have you considered help on the continent as well. Perhaps some of those leads may take you there.

Keep in touch with us and I sincerely know that you contacting us gave you a kick start to a better life for everyone in your family and most important, you as the catalyst in all of this. Moms are great !

Tick

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I'm not very good at writing. I have 4 children, 3 of them are reasonably well behaved. My eldest son is 14 and a big lad for his age. He is a very angry teenager which I know is normal. The problem is that he is both verbally and physical abusive to my whole family including his 6yr old sister and 4yr old brother. He beats up his small 12 yr old brother daily and when I try to stop him he turns on me. He smashes things up when he can't get his own way and as a result has cause thousands of pounds worth of damage. I have been to social services for help but they won't do anything, just keep telling me its my job to keep my children safe. It has come to a point where I feel my son needs to move out of the family home so that my other children can lead a normal childhood instead of living in fear. I have begged social services to find him a foster carer but they won't help. I really don't know what 2 do please help

You parent him.

You make it absolutely unacceptable. Take ALL his stuff away, and he doesn't get it back until he can behave. Take him to see a psychiatrist and see what is going on. Anger can be normal for a teen but not to this degree, something is going on and you need to find out what.

LAY DOWN THE LAW and ENFORCE IT.

And at 14 I absolutetely would call the police the next time he gets physical with a family member. Let him see the ADULT consequences of his ACTIONS.

THREADS MERGED.

At 14 he's a kid,no matter what size he is, and it sounds very much like he needs help,as do you.

Wheres his father in all this?

Have you spoken to the school?

Has he ever received any counselling? Or anger management?

Before you go enforcing the law on him you need to find out WHY he's behaving this way?

If you can say the country you live in ill try and find some links for you to check out for help.

As hard as family life is right now YOU need to step it up as the parent not opt out.

Edit; I just read your other thread, how did the doctors appointment go?

I'm in the uk, his father sent him an email about a year ago telling him he never wanted to see him again. He attends a school for children that can manage main stream school. He has been seen by doctors and psychiatrist and we tried family therapy but it was decide it wasn't save to continue(not sure what they meant by that). I have called the police but they don't do anything. I really can't think of anything else to try

Time to up the anty.

Need Support? (http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support)

About us - Care for the Family (http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/aboutus/)

BBC - Health: Relationships and Family support contacts (http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/support/family_relationships_usefulcontacts_index.shtml)

I have found a few contact numbers in the links above, most are nationwide in the uk,there all registered and the advice and support is free.

Give it a go, have a look through the numbers, if you need a more numbers, just post and ill see what I can find.

I will comment on your post, today's date, March 2nd.

I'm sure that there must have been some involvement with his school. It would be unusual for his violent behaviour to be only in the domain of his own home, with his own family. While I realize he is in a regular school, what, if anything have school teachers recommended. Have they recommended he be tested for learning disabilities along the way?

The police, doctors, psychiatrist, and family therapy have not worked. What do you expect of the Doctor you are seeing this week, that hasn't already been done.

The family therapist likely discontinued therapy with the family because of hostility, and/or, all members not participating for whatever reason. Did you ask her what her reason of 'not continuing for safety reasons' meant?

Why has his father dialed out completely. What reason does he give- is he also not able to control his son, or, is does he criticize you for his son being out of control, or is he left out of the picture in some way?

At this stage of the game, with everything else not working, I can't see anything short of a full psychological assessment, and testing of your son. Has this ever been recommended? It shouldn't be an option for him to get this type of help, just as it wouldn't be an option for him not to see a Doctor with a heart condition.

From what you have said so far, please ask your Doctor to have him assessed properly. We can here in Canada, ask formally through a judge, for an order, allowing a child (or any loved one for that matter), to be given a 24 hour minimum assessment in a secure psychiatric unit. I have done this myself. Please check this out where you are; I know we have similar universal Health Care coverage. There are also voluntary assessments done for children, in appropriate psychiatric facilities, but, I am not sure if where you are allows for that option. And it may not work anyway if he is not cooperating.

It just seems to me that seeing a Family Doctor as 'the beginning' of helping your son is putting the cart before the horse. At this stage of the game, with all avenues exhausted from what you've said, please at least give your Doctor the information you have given here, and insist on some sort of formal evaluation.

Thank you redhed35, some of them sites look really good, and I will be getting in touch tomorrow.

Jake2008, I made my first post about my situation back in April last year, and you gave the same great advice, as you do now, I did see a lawyer about having a full assessment on him, but like everything else I have tried I hit another brick wall and told there was nothing they could do. In the uk I can't just apply to the courts a lawyer has to do it.

He doesn't go to a regular school, he attends a school for children that can't handle a regular school. He has attended that school of about 18mths now. After a rocky start he seems to have settled in well and behaves most of the time with few outbursts.

I think his father stopped seeing him because he found his behaver difficult. His father won't speak to me so I have never been able to get to the bottom if. Having said that I find his behaver difficult but I will never reject him