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Can anyone tell me if this is a good thing, or a bad thing?

For the past month, there's been this girl in my art history class at uni. She's by far one of the most intelligent in the class and looks like a young Mary Louise Parker.

We've caught each others glance and smiled once or twice, but never spoke despite 6 weeks of being in the same class.

Today, I ran into her on campus and we were walking towards the trams together. So I decided to say 'hey'. She said hey back, and we walk together, making small talk about assignments. Nothing special.

But then I realize I've left my books back in class. Rummaging through my bag, I mumble that I've left something behind and turn to leave.

But before I go, she suddenly blurts 'I really like your shirt. It's a favourite band of mine.'

I'm impressed and surprised. It's only a small local band without much of a following.

She then tell's me she saw them at the Red Rattler, which is a decent music venue close to where I live. It turns out we grew up in neighbouring suburbs and live in the same town.

We ended up talking about high school and I find out we both went to separate single sex schools for 'advanced kids'. For no apparent reason at all I said -

"well you must have been a high school a debater then, you just look like one.'

It was meant to be a half joke. I'm not even sure why I said it, but something about the way she spoke and held herself hinted that she was a high level public speaker. She's pretty eloquent in class discussion.

She gave me a really odd look, and even as I'm walking away she calls me back with - 'How did you know I was a debater? I only did it a few years in high school."

I shrugged, smiled and walked off.

It wasn't that I was trying to be mysterious or anything - it was just a total guess on my part. She gave me one final, very strange look.

So can someone explain what happened? Because I feel dazed as I type this on the tram home.

Most girls want to be perceived as pretty whether they are intellectuals. There is a stereotype that really smart girls aren't pretty. By telling her that she "looks smart" she may have perceived it as being opposed to looking pretty.

It sounds to me that she thought you had been cheking up on her. I mean like investigating everything she does , etc. Next time you see her try to tell'er it was total guess.

It sounds to me that she thought you had been cheking up on her. I mean like investigating everything she does and etc. Next time you see her try to tell'er it was total guess.

A shame if she did think I was checking up on her. I don't even know her full name or anything about her.

I should clarify that her exact words were something like - 'How did you know I did debating? I haven't done it since high school'

As for the pretty perspective, this girl exudes confidence. I don't think she'd be the type to need validation.

Any girl's perspective on this?

Sheesh.

Talk about over-analyzing things - and the two guys previous answers were weird. Just shows how little guys know about girls (no offense guys!)

Did it occur to you that she may have just been surprised at how accurate you were? It was a very good guess and very perceptive.

That's all. I'll bet you made a pretty good impression.

Sheesh.

Talk about over-analyzing things - and the two guys previous answers were weird. Just shows how little guys know about girls (no offense guys!)

Did it occur to you that she may have just been surprised at how accurate you were? It was a very good guess and very perceptive.

That's all. I'll bet you made a pretty good impression.

Yeah I know. I suck when it comes to girls. Sorry. Tried to help though ;).

To the guys, don't fret, I'm just as lost as you are. I appreciate your perspectives either way.

Gemini54 - I've only created threads on this site 3 times. Once for advice after a break up in 2008, once after I met the prettiest girl working at a bookstore in 2009 and now.

I always remember you offering a novel perspective each time. I don't care if it's right or wrong, but you shed a new light on things.

You got lucky, and piquéd her interest, and curiosity. That's great, just keep talking in a casual friendly way, and don't sweat the dazed stuff.

Connection? Maybe, but find out. Sure sounds like a good start to me.

Well girls make a lot of weird faces all the time, be happy you two found common grounds and just roll with the punches, I'm sure something will work out in the end. Just don't get to clinging or do anything that would fuel any ideas that she possibly couldve had about you checking up on her. Just don't get weird, haha, and be yourself. I guess that's all I can say:)

Threads merged

*********** UPDATE *****************************

A few weeks ago I asked a question about an encounter with a girl -

We had a mid-semester break and didn't have uni until last week. I ran into her as we were leaving our weekly class and asked how her break had been.

She ended up asking me to accompany her to a climate change debate which was running on campus at the time. We hung out for about an hour, just sitting and talking and not doing much. Her humour was dry and caustic in an endearing way.

I had to meet a friend so I left. She seemed a little surprised at my abrupt departure.

This week, I caught her after class. We ended up grabbing a quick coffee together. While waiting for a lift, we became so caught up in conversation that neither of us had pressed the up button for about 5 minutes.

Signs seemed to be good. Not only is she smart, she seems to really have her together.

I ended up walking her to her subway, where we once again stopped to talk in the middle of heavy thoroughfare. After several people ran into us, she said 'we really have to stop doing this.'

I told her I would be at the uni library studying on the weekend and if she'd like to come along.

She seemed really enthused about the idea and gave me her number. In fact, the last thing she said to me as she got on the train was - 'So Sunday, yes?'

I clicked my heels all the way home.

That was Wednesday. Today -friday- I thought I'd call her before I headed out to work (10am). It was to be a brief, concise call to tell her what time I would be at the library. But she didn't answer.

Anyway it's late into the evening now and no call back. Should I bother calling her again tomorrow (saturday)? Or should I just leave it be and let her call if she wants to?

She doesn't seem like the type of girl to play phone-tag.

No need to overanalyze everything as things. Just keep getting to know each other better, let things flow naturally and see what happens.

She said Sunday, so Sunday it is.

Should I text her tonight with a short -

"1 pm, geology building?"

Or just go to the library tomorrow (I live close to campus and would study there either way) and see if she calls?

While the second option is more attractice and dignified, if she does have a good reason not to have returned the call, then could my silence be treated as blowing her off or a lack of interest?

I could really do with some girl's perspectives.

I see no harm in trying to confirm a time and place.

Why not wait to confirm Saturday afternoon or evening, and go from there. She may have a lot planned before then so don't be pesky, eager, or impatient.

UPDATE:

I didn't end up calling her or messaging at all.

My logic was that, since I called her once Friday and already confirmed that I would see her Sunday - the onus was on her to get in touch at some point.

So I went to the library and its now 6pm sydney time. Still no response from her.

Did I do the right thing by not making any further calls?

I can only imagine that she lost interest, otherwise she would have returned the call at some point.

That's the thing guy, there is no onus on her at all. Give her a call, not a text, and ask her if she forgot or not. If no response, THEN the onus will be on her, as you go about your business, and do your thing, and bother her no more. If she has interest she will let you know. If not, don't trip, you have no clue what's going on in her life, or what's on her mind, so you worry about neither.

You just focus elsewhere, and don't trip off a broken date. You will have tried, but without success. Move beyond it.

A date that does not come about, is hardly the end of the world. Nor something to dwell on.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been playing cat and mouse with a particular girl.

So far we’ve been on 3 spontaneous ‘mini-dates’ and one proper date.
The mini-dates may not even be counted as dates. We attend college at an inner-city art school so it was just window-shopping and coffee after class for an hour or two over the past 2-3 weeks.

So far, our only proper date was this Wednesday. She’s very reserved and poised. I should add that I’ve had several indicators of interest from this girl but she is tightly composed and difficult to read.

However, comfort began to escalate during that ‘proper’ date. We ended up going for a long walk. I never told her where we were going. She didn't ask or seem to mind.

However, for the next 2 weeks, she told me she will be swamped with exams.

After our date wed, she emailed me on Thursday with some exam notes. In the email she said - "my computer has the flu. If these files don't open then i can arrange some other way of getting them to you. like bound into a book."

Idiot that I am, I gave her a non-commital reply and since I'm also moving this weekend, I haven't spoken to her since.

In retrospect, I'm wondering if she is suggesting we meet up again soon, despite how busy she told me she was. Her joke about binding the notes was in reference to me teasing her about how she gets all her essays professionally bound before handing them in.

Or maybe it was just some throwaway line? I need a girls perspective on this since my logical guy mind says "she said she is busy. anything else she says is just confusing"

Or maybe it was just some throwaway line? I need a girls perspective on this since my logical guy mind says "she said she is busy. anything else she says is just confusing"
We women are never confused. She was being deep.

I'm not saying she's confused. But I sure am.

This was a very unusual date. Everything didn't happen as expected and it's a longish read, but I haven't quite had another date like it before.

Went out yesterday to a coffee festival and asked a girl to come along. This girl is very confident/poised and a 22 year old honours student. In class, she naturally leads discussions and is also the captain of the girl's college track and field team.

Because of her articulate personality and demeanour I'd tried to remain detached and play it slow. She seemed like she was hit on by guys all the time so I wanted to get to know her first.

Yesterday was our third proper 'date' (not counting the few times we hung out on campus). We've known each other for almost 2 months, but due to trips and busy schedules we only hung out in class and talked over phone/text/email.

At this point, we had not kiss because her body language has always been strange around me. Sometimes she would button up my shirt or wipe something from my chin etc.

Other times her body language seemed closed, crossed armed and hunched around me. But in class, she's a natural leader.

At one point yesterday she told me that I was 'intimidating'. I was kind of surprised and asked her what she meant but she wouldn't elaborate. I'm a theatre actor who has the very tiniest amount of recognition. Not at all famous, but I've been in a few locally publicized productions. I'm also on a collegiate sports scholarship. This is not to brag; I think it could be what intimidates her?

In short, the following happened:

We met up at 1pm to go to the festival. But because she rescheduled our date earlier in the week, I had jokingly made her promise to accompany me on my Saturday morning 'chores'.

First, I took her to a friend's birthday breakfast in a local park. A few of my friends were there including several local bands. She commented that my friends seemed to be 'trendy types'. I don't think that's a good thing.

Secondly, I had other friends running a market stall in a vintage clothing fair. This friend in particular is a very distinct character (enormous afro, labret piercing, handlebar moustache and dressed like he's from the 70s).

She immediately recognizes him and says to me "how do you know this guy? I've seen him around everywhere and all over my friends facebooks and always wondered about his story!"

My friend comes up to me and after some talking he announces "are you still acting man? dude you were like my idol!"

I knew that this a sort of social proof, but I was starting to think that she was indeed getting intimidated and maybe that wasn't a good thing.

The date ended going all right. At about 6 in the evening, we ended up at the subway and here's when things got a little odd.

We're sitting in a quiet alcove in the subway waiting for her train to come first. I can't remember how the conversation started but she ended up saying "well, you do make me feel a little bit uncomfortable"

I asked her what she meant but she changed the topic.

It became incredibly awkward after that. Her train was coming in 5 minutes and we both sat there in a tense silence.

Her train came and she got up to leave but I grabbed her by the hand, sat her back down and said 'you can give me another 10 minutes'.

She reluctantly admitted that 'uncomfortable' was the wrong word and maybe 'cautious' or 'more aware of herself' was more appropriate.

She also said it was odd that I didn't speak to her all semester and then approached her with a very accurate comment/guess about her and then left in a hurry 5 minutes later (this was a thread months ago when I met her and just guessed what she did).

That she'd 'never met anyone like me on campus before'.

In return, I told her that I'm the sort of guy who takes everything slow. It doesn't matter who that person is, but I need to get to know them before I allow them into my circle of friends.

Her train came but she didn't get on. We sat in that alcove for the next two hours talking.

Finally, I told her to scrap the subway home and took her back to my neighbourhood where we grabbed a late dinner/coffee, talked some more and I drove her home.

It was about midnight by the time she got back. Outside her place, I pulled her in and kissed her. She kissed back shyly and hugged me but kept like a 3 inch space between us. I still sensed that she was nervous or shy about something but considering her confidence, I found that kind of weird.

I teased her a bit about her hug, kissed her quickly again and then pulled away and left.

In all, an eventful day. I still don't know how she feels about me and why exactly I make her seem so 'aware of herself'? I don't even know how she thinks about the situation or if I should call her again.

Sounds like you have been having a good time with her and slowly is the way to go, but don't start thinking to deep at this point as its still to early to know anything. But that's okay, it gives you something to look forward to right?

We can spend all day dissecting every detail of your date, but the bottom line is, if she's willing to go out with you again, then there's a chance that she's interested in getting to know you better. On the other hand, she might only be friendly and wants to make a new friend.

Only time will tell what's on her mind. The key is to try to meet up again and keep getting to know each other better. Furthermore, sounds like she's the type who takes a little more time opening up, so be patient. Let things flow naturally.

Do you make her laugh? Are you a funny guy?

Like "I Wish" has mentioned above, we can TRY to read into this from our perspective, but I think if you really enjoy spending time with her, you should make her feel comfortable at all costs.

Open up. Be humorous. Have fun together. I agree, if she has invested this much time with you so far, you're doing something right.

I have to ask, how much dating experience do you have? And how did those dates go, please?

I'm pulling for you buddy. Mary Louise Parker is a sweetheart in my book.

She teases me and I tease her back. In fact, she's one of those girls who'll try to make you laugh 50% of the time as opposed to letting the guy spend all his wit. So yes, we both laugh and we're funny enough towards each other.

In terms of dating experience, I'm 24 and have had somewhat more dating experience relative to my age.

I've been in two long term relationships (one 2 years and one 3.5 years+ moving in). Since 2008, I've been in open relationships with several girls never really willing to commit (my own personal/work reasons I won't get into here)- But I've always been very upfront about this to the girls I dated. Even now there are two girls/long time friends who are potentials and have hinted in wanting to date but I've so far turned them down in favour of 'Mary Lou'.

I've never really had a girl react to me and confuse me the way this one has though.

I had thought we had a lot of 'comfort' already. We are both over-achieving students who juggle 20hrs of collegiate sports a week, constantly frustrated over our lack of sleep. We both had adhd as kids, are left-handed music/humanities types who don't drink. We read the same books, quote the same movies and listen to the same bands. With that much in common, we banter and tease mercilessly.

It's weird she would turn around and say she wasn't comfortable but also 'not in a bad way'.

I guess we'll see what happens. She'll be going overseas for a month in a few days and I'll be busy with my own works. I've become wary of investing too much into relationships nowadays, because I'm at a really good place in life right now. I don't want to disrupt anything and any girl that comes along will have to fit in perfectly.

I think your on a great path if you can be patient as you have been, and see if things continue as they have been.

The others have made a great point though, as don't over think every little detail. That will drive you crazy.

Another Update: And thank you for those who have been reading my long narratives. I sometimes feel like I can't open up to my friends because within my social circle, I'm expected to be the problem solver. It's nice to be able to put my thoughts here.

We've since been out again and had (what I thought) was a great day together. We laughed a lot, kissed a little and generally she seemed to genuinely like spending time with me.

That was Tuesday. Since then, she's neither messaged nor called me.

2 days ago (thurs) I sent her a short text asking if she'd like to go out one more time before she goes overseas for a month.

In reply, she subtly ignored my question, answered with something off-topic and since then we haven't said anything to each other (no anger or anything, just absence of communication).

By Monday, she'll be overseas and I won't contact her for 4 weeks.

In the meantime, I have another girl wanting to go on a date with me next week. But right now I'm so confused with 'Mary Lou' that I don't know where I stand or how to proceed.

How is it that we can get to know each other over a 2-3 month period, go on 6 dates, and then have her just become cold and distant a few days before she leaves? It seems we were really clicking.

I feel like I should call her, at least the day before she leaves. Then again, I've already sent her a text, so if she wanted to get in touch, she could.

It's almost too bizarre to see someone for a few months and then not even say a word to each other when she leaves and for the whole time she's away.

Maybe she has loose ends to tie up before her trip. Regardless, she has other things taking her attention, so leave her be, bid her farewell before she leaves, and carry on with doing your own thing.

It was fun while it lasted, but life has ended things for now. You already have other options lined up any way, so don't take this personally.

Well, I just got caught up on things and I really enjoyed your post. It was very interesting and things seem to be going good for you up until today. I would suggest giving her a goodbye tomorrow before she leaves and let her do the rest. While she is gone, go on a few dates and have some fun, because you guys aren't exclusive or anything yet, right?

One (maybe last?) more update.

She ended up contacting me on Sunday morning and I decided to take her to explore my high school, a place I hadn't been to since my graduation 5 years ago.

It wasn't as boring as it sounds. It's a victorian era school in the middle of the inner city, rambling with old sandstone buildings and rose gardens. We ended up exploring and talking for about 4 hours. Yet the whole time, I get the feeling she wanted to say something but was holding back.

I drove her home in the evening and she asked if I could drive her someplace else because she had something to show me.

We ended up at a skate park where she spent a lot of time growing up.

As a freakish coincidence, I also squandered a lot of time there as a kid (even though we grew up in opposite ends of a large city several years apart).

We actually ended up sitting on the very skate ramp where I broke my arm when I was 14. Whilst there, she finally told me that she was 'nervous about the trip and nervous about me.'

She said, 'I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to meet you.'

I'm not sure what she meant by this and for once, she had a hard time articulating. Ironically, she felt like 'I was the one who was sending her mixed signals' and that she had feelings for me.

I told her that I thought she wanted to remain single for the trip to which she replied - 'no, I don't behave that way.'

She still wasn't able to tell me why I made her so nervous and what it was she expected. I didn't want to press.

I told her several times throughout the night that - '4 weeks is a long time. There can be too many variables and that I'd see what happens when she comes back.' I'm so busy most days I only get 4-5 hours of sleep a night so I didn't want to make any promises I couldn't keep.

Other than that, we completely lost track of time. When we checked our phones it was almost midnight.

It was really late by the time we left the skate park and as we're walking back to my car, she turns and says - "you can't drive me home this time. I need to go by myself, and I need my own time."

I found this odd. I always escort her to her door. It was late and the streets were quiet, but she was adamant that she needed 'the time alone to go home'.

'I'll see you in a few weeks,' was the last thing she said. Now she's in paris by herself (cliched story I know) and I'll be going interstate for a few weeks myself.

Thanks for reaching the end of my rambling. I haven't even told my closest friends about any of this. Over the past months these forums have offered thoughtful and judicious advice.

hopefully we'll have more adventures. Maybe.

Enjoy yourself, and keep us updated. So far so good.

Everything seemed to be on a high note when she left, but since then, it seems things have deteriorated.

Not wanting to crowd her out with emails from home, I waited for her to contact me while she was overseas.

About 3-4 days into her trip, she sent me a one line email and a photo of something she saw which reminded her of me. (street art of my favourite author)

I replied the following day with news from home but since then I have not heard anything from her.

It's been 9 days without contact now. She has no phone and there is no other way to reach her.

Worries about her safety notwithstanding (I don't want to turn this thread into speculation of her safety since its impossible to know), it seems she is clearly displaying by her actions that she doesn't care too much about maintaining any sort of relationship when she comes back.

Moreover, the situation is exacerbated by interest from a girl I once dated who has recently moved back to Melbourne. That is another situation altogether, but I feel like I'm waiting around for someone who may come back a totally changed person.

I don't feel the same chemistry with this girl as I do with 'Mary Lou', but new girl's interest does rouse me to the question - 'is it worth waiting?', especially given the utter lack of contact.

I've been seeing a girl for 3 months but she has recently left for Europe (4 weeks) all by her lonesome.

She's independent, stable and very smart, so I found myself quickly falling for her. The night before she left, she even sat me down and confessed all her fears and feelings about us and her life in general.

We left on a high note. But that was a fortnight ago. She emailed me with a quick update and some photos about 3-4 days into the trip, which I replied to.

Since then, it's been about 9-10 days and I can't contact her. She doesn't have her phone, and I've emailed her once without reply. In Europe, I can't imagine an internet café would be difficult to find and she even took her work with her along with her macbook.

Simply put, there is no alternative besides email, that would allow me to contact her.

Not wanting to bombard her with messages, I've left it at the one email. But part of me is beginning to worry. Truth be told, I'm drifting between worry (about her safety), indignation (that she would be so uncharacteristically thoughtless as to not even let me know she's ok) and excuses (maybe she's just having too much fun and it's normal).

Does anyone have any similar experiences to share?

It is certainly not normal, even if she is having too much fun. Perhaps she is not into you as much as you are into her. It is been only 3 months, she may be seeing this "relationship" in a different light. This is such a common issue at the onset of any relationship. Because the two people usually don't feel the same intensity about the relationship just yet. One is usually ahead of the other person. Having said that, there is plenty of access to internet in Europe and she could have been writing you. But do give her a chance to explain, there might be a very legitimate reason.

You may want to contact her friend to make sure she's all right.

Yeh, agreed on the disparity in terms of affection in early relationships. At the same time, she has always been very thoughtful and considerate, so it's almost out of character for her.

I can't contact her friends (I've met them briefly, but I don't know them enough to seek them out).

Is 10 days of no contact a cause of concern, or am I just over reacting?

I think you're over reacting. Just let her enjoy her trip and calm yourself down. I'm sure she'll get in contact with you once she has time. I realize you two have been "together" for three months, but this is probably a once in a lifetime trip, and her priorities are to enjoy it while it lasts.

For someone who is highly independent, this doesn't sound abnormal at all in my opinion.

I am a woman and a mom, so I guess I look at things differently.
I would be worried and I would try to contact her parents and ask them.

I wouldn't worry too much, If she is independent as you say on a trip to europe she will just be taking in all the sites walking everywhere and doing as much as she can.
To give an example a few years ago a friend and I did a road trip across the states for a month, nobody heard from us for 3 weeks as we were just trying to pack as much into everyday as possible, take pictures and make sure I didn't miss out on anything.

Id just chill 10 days on a holiday goes so fast it only feels like 2, its just when your sat at home fretting that it feels like a long time,

Cheers for the story fireguy. Holidays do flash past for the person away, but they're treacle to the person at home.

At what point should a rational person become concerned about the lack of update though? She is a 21 year old girl alone on another continent.

I myself, am prone to worrying about her safety (I spent 3 years in the service and am prone to being jaded).

Should I shoot her an email after no update for 14 days? 3 weeks perhaps? Varied input and perspectives appreciated.

Just leave her to enjoy the holiday,another email or message might get her thinking you're a little needy.

I understand your concern,however I'm sure she is in contact with her family.

Really you only know her 12 weeks,not a lot of time to really 'know' someone and know their habits.

She's a big girl who can look after herself,she's not in a jungle.

Get busy with your own life and have lots of things to talk about when she gets home.

You guys are all right. I even told her not to 'think about home or do anything home related' the whole time she was overseas.

12 weeks isn't a very long time when you put it that way, and fortunately, I find myself feeling less and less for her everyday, which definitely helps the situation.

It's afforded me a 'cooling off' period to get my thoughts in order. I'm starting to realize that maybe and relationship is not the best thing for me right now, but I'll discuss that with her once she returns.

Thanks for help guys. My thoughts were too clouded by concern to think properly before.

I wouldn't worry. Let her have her fun without playing the hurt role.

Shell be fine. Good luck.

She got back and told me she met someone else while over there. She feels an attachment to him because they've been through so much in the past 4 weeks while vacationing.

I told her '-yeh I kind of knew.'

I then told her how 2 years ago, the same thing happened but I was actually in her shoes (that was a true story).

Left it at that and said nothing else. I haven't spoken to her since but its likely I'll end up running into her during class for the rest of semester.

Sorry... I really hope you find happiness.

You win some, you lose some. Don't ever dwell on what could have been, just refocus!