Hi guys.


Been together with my girl for 3 yrs, and been living together for about 2 yrs of that time.
Last summer she moved away to another country to study a one-year programme. Before she moved we talked things over and decided to keep our relationship going despite the whole long-distance thing.
My work allows me to be flexible, so I went over there helping her move in and get things sorted out for the first 3 weeks, after which I moved back home.
During the fall we called and Skyped and held the contact frequently. Things seemed to be going good, with the occasional normal strain of long-distance relationships. And for Christmas she came home for 3 weeks.

During the christmas leave she told me that it had been rough being apart from me, especially since her studies are so intense, and she didn't know if we could keep things up. She's also a perfectionist and didn't like the fact that she wasn't 100% concentrating on our relationship.
We had a heartfelt talk about the situation, deciding on me coming over more often, as well as looking for work in the same city.

So during the spring I've been over there now about once a month, once for a weekend, and twice for 1 week periods. In addition to this regular skype calls and phone-contact. I have also been able to find potential work.
Altogehter our relationship has seemed to be working okay, and she has been talking about how much it would meen to have me be with her. She also recently found out she'll stay there for work for at least 1 additional yr and we decided I was going to move over there early in the summer (when my work would potentially start).


But then... So I was over there last week since for Easter holidays. She studying 2-4 hrs/day, but otherwise spending good time together having loads of fun and laughs.
The evening before my plane leaves, she says she doesn't like "this thing" we're having, that she's unsure if she can see a future together in this new country, feeling as if our connection isn't there anymore.
Another emotional talk followed, resulting in a plan that I'd come over already next month and see if our relationship works in the new settings.
Of course it all came rather sudden and the next day when I left for the airport emotions were still rather fuzzy and not fully clear if our plan was really set in stone.

I felt sincerely f'ed up, agitated and stressed out and contacted her by text yesterday and later in the evening talked to her on Skype, she had had a stressful, long day at school and more hectic program to come in the week. I informed her I had friends coming over there next week and said I'd thought about joining them for the trip and then stay in the country (1-2 weeks earlier than initially planned). She felt having me over would only interfere with her hectic studies, and said talking and even thinking about our relationship was stressing her even more. I said I understand her situation and support her, but that my presence might bring stability to the situation. She didn't think so. She was also more unsure about our relationship and our whole plan of me coming over. The talk was emotional, but still quite calm and no shouting or screaming. She was being quite stressed out and crying and I calmed her down. The discussion ended with an agreement to talk in the future. I kissed her goodbye and she was reluctant to kiss me back.

During the night she had sent me an email, starting with Dear, and not the normal Honey/Darling. Saying she feels bad and knows I feel bad. Re-stating that she's really stressed out and in a demanding, hectic and important stage professionally, and is compleltely lacking the capacity to deal, think or make decisions regarding our relationship at the moment. Not wanting me over already. Feeling I'm pressing her to make decisions instantly, and considering that unfair. Wanting and needing her time to concentrate 100% on her studies. Hoping that I understand, and that if I don't and that ends in our "contract" ending, then so be it.


So, I find myself in this somewhat " I need space and time" situation. I feel fine about giving her time, but am somewhat apprehensive about the space issue. She is a lady that stresses quite often, and then finds herself in need of emotional support and intimacy. She has complained about the whole me not being there (literally physically in person, not emotionally) a great deal. There are also evidence and hints at her having or at least having had a connection and relationship of some sorts with one of her classmates, and I believe the whole me not being there physically is one of the major reasons, leading her to find solace in some other man's embrace.

And I don't know what to do. The right thing feels to be to respond shortly to her mail, saying I understand and support her and will give her the time she needs, and ending with I love you. And then the no-contact... (although she has an important meeting today, and an important professional decision she needs to make tonight, and I have agreed to help her already with it last week. So might have to keep myself to my promise... ).

Thanks for reading and for advice.


I'll add one thing I think matters: In her mail she says deciding upon our relationship is an really really important (even vital) decision.

I would tell her that as she is unsure,you are taking time out.

Then go no contact.

Don't wait around in limbo,waiting for her to make her mind up.

I would tell her that as she is unsure,you are taking time out.

Then go no contact.

Dont wait around in limbo,waiting for her to make her mind up.

A agree, don't wait around in limbo.. get on with your life. She can't or won't make a decision right now.

Thanks guys. Feeling a bit better today.

So yesterday I replied shortly and honestly to her email, saying I understand and respect her feelings, needs and situation, and that I also find it the best solution that I give her time. That I wish her good luck and all the best, and that I love her.

Since I had already promised her that I would be available to help her with her work decision if needed I left Skype on, but logged out of all other contact avenues.
A promise is a promise, and I won't sacrifice honesty and decency, even if it delays the no contact or lowers my value.

She actually replied rather quickly to my mail, thanking me for my thoughtful and constructive answer, and that she really appreciates the opportunity to concentrate fully on her work.

Her intensive work period ends in about 2-3 weeks, and I believe she will contact me then. If that happens, I feel the right thing would be answering, because then she has been truthful and honest about needing time to concentrate on work, right? I won't initiate contact.

So time to get out of limbo, concentrate on myself and start healing and becoming a better man with every passing second.

Thanks for continued support and advice

Best of luck to you-I think you'll find that working on being the best possible you will be a rewarding experience.

Thanks guys. Feeling a bit better today.

So yesterday I replied shortly and honestly to her email, saying i understand and respect her feelings, needs and situation, and that I also find it the best solution that I give her time. That I wish her good luck and all the best, and that I love her.

Since I had already promised her that I would be available to help her with her work decision if needed I left Skype on, but logged out of all other contact avenues.
A promise is a promise, and I won't sacrifice honesty and decency, even if it delays the no contact or lowers my value.

She actually replied rather quickly to my mail, thanking me for my thoughtful and constructive answer, and that she really appreciates the opportunity to concentrate fully on her work.

Her intensive work period ends in about 2-3 weeks, and I believe she will contact me then. If that happens, I feel the right thing would be answering, because then she has been truthful and honest about needing time to concentrate on work, right? I won't initiate contact.

So time to get out of limbo, concentrate on myself and start healing and becoming a better man with every passing second.

Thanks for continued support and advice

If she does contact you after this 2-3 weeks (let her initiate any contact) than find out where she stands. If she is saying the same things than that she is telling you now, than stay NC and stick it out my man. She sounds like she has a lot on her plate right now, and while she may be being honest with you, that doesn't mean its OK to hurt you and keep you hurt and confused. So stay NC until she reaches out to you, and when/if she does, try and see where this is going. Beyond that however, the ball is in her court. From what I have read you have been very understanding towards her and handled this quite well, so if she is not ready for a long term commitment with you right now, don't bide your time waiting for her to be finished. Good luck

Another downward spiral when evening comes around... and a sudden flashback 6 yrs to the previous time I was truly in love and the girl broke up with me. And I realise the situations are eerily similar. Both girls feeling the relationship being just another stressful factor in their busy lives, and even if I bring them joy, support and happiness the stress is overwhelming.

Have I learned nothing? Is it something I do ( I definitely haven't been smothering in either relationship)? Or a strange, cruel way of life testing me?

Not very inspiring, when the reward for believing, caring, loving and understanding, is a repeated dose of hurt and abandonment.

Difficult believing that good things happen to good people at times like these, when all signs point the other way. Or maybe I'm not a good person, what do I know.
But won't give up, can't give up, still believing in goodness.

Its not you,its them.
People change and their feelings change.

Have you never broken up with someone yourself?

I know.

And I have broken up relationships, but mostly relatively soon, after realising I or both of us are quickly losing interest, or are not at all compatible.
I find the setting of finding a positive relationship more stressing than comforting a bit confusing, without any further explanation.
The slight paradox: If you feel it is good, why end it instead of working on it? And if it's just generally stressing, how can you at the same time feel it is good?
Has the vibe of the "It's not you, but me" line, which hardly is earnest and doesn't really say anything.

Just found the coincidence (if it is one) that both really serious relationships I've had has come to the same juncture a tad bizarre.
Trying to learn and grow.

We live and learn from our experiences-and grow.

As for the 'stress' aspect-I think that is an excuse,its easier blaming stress than being honest and saying,I'm done and I want out.

Relationships often come second, with career, or goal orientated people.

They just are driven that way. Just do your own thing, and take your time, and enjoy it.

Her intensive work period ends in about 2-3 weeks, and I believe she will contact me then. If that happens, I feel the right thing would be answering, because then she has been truthful and honest about needing time to concentrate on work, right? I won't initiate contact.
I agree, see how it goes, until then.

Needed to vent yesterday, thanks.

Hard to know if one's thinking straight when one's head is spinning.
So really encouraging and good hearing your thoughts on me answering her, and that it isn't a completely assinine idea.
And "The Orginial", you're spot on, that's exactly the way I think it should be done.
When and if she reaches out then see what it is, how it goes, any genuine interest and potential for a fruitful future, or just insecure and immature mindgames and cowardice.

So now and until then it's time to build me up.

Appreciate all the help, will keep you guys updated on how things go.

Later and have a FUN weekend!

So it's been a week since the time-out/break began. Would love to tell you guys I'm healing, but I'm not really sure...

At times it feels this break is a blessing (altough somewhat in disguise). That it will help me grow as a person, realise what I want, and eventually lead me to find true happiness and joy. That it will also be good for our relationship, solidify it, and help her grow as well. That whatever happens it will be for the better - regardless if we get back together or not, things will be good.

But then again sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed by the deepest despair. Tormented by thoughts of lies, disgust and betrayal. Believing that claiming this is a good thing is only self-deception.

Been keeping busy though, trying not to think too much about her and move on and take care of myself:
Gone to work normally. Attended a really good and educational seminar. Actively and successfully obtained amazing contacts for my professional future. Worked-out. Spent time with friends.
Basically tried to fiil my schedule with things and events to benefit myself and keep me from being stuck in detrimental emotional limbo.
Also taking time to meditate on what I want and how I'll find peace and happiness.
Reading all the stickies, general advice, and other related threads.

But even so... I remain unsure and slighlty lost. Realising all I want is to be happy and not having the faintest if any or what specific act or goal will help me reach it. Knowing that I deeply value true, pure, beautiful human relationship and companionship, and that even if that might be overly naïve and abstract it is what most likely would make me happy, or at least wihtout it happiness will be hard to find.
I don't mean that relationships are all that matters - certainly not, especially not hurtful, negative ones - but that a life spent alone (or more importantly lonely) wouldn't be as good.

Rambling again, sorry.

At the moment I really would just like for her to tell me truthfully what this is all about. That, when and if she contacts me, she has dignity and feelings enough to be honest. That would be more important than if we get back together or not.

And yes, managed to stay in no contact.

All your feelings are normal at this stage-and its good that your life goes on and that you're keeping yourself busy.

Stick to NC and let each day take care of itself.

Approaching 2 weeks and not a word. Still thinking and dreaming about her, but slightly less and less each day.

Was doing all right after my post last week, feeling the worst stage was over and everything was slowly falling into place.

But life is bizarre, full of twist and turns.

During the week-end I was out with a few friends I hadn't seen in a while. Drinking, talking and just taking it easy. Felt good - not thinking about anything and only having a relaxed, good time.

Quite unexpectedly a group of young ladies joined us, and one of them sat down next to me and started talking to me. I answered and held the conversation going on polite, courteous auto-pilot, not really having my mind set on meeting new people.
Probably first half an hour later did I notice she was both absolutely stunning and even really interesting.
Soon later I understood that she was definitely hitting on me, and by some strange event I had already won her over. Mostly by accident.

A slight thought of "Oh, sh*t" struck me. It felt too soon, unsure about the rules of the break-up, but also too good to ignore completely. It's not every day a seemingly amazing woman comes around showing a genuine interest.

I didn't want to lead her on or deceive her any further than I accidentally already had, so I told her truthfully about my situation. She thought it over for a second, then said: "Oh, okay, no problem, how on earth can any girl let you go?".

One thing lead to another, and a mixture of spontaneity, loneliness, stupidity, convenience, hope and good old I'll-just-tag-a-longness made me follow her home. Slept with her, but no sex.


Now I'm I bit confused. I've been thinking about if what happened was wrong. Think I'm okay with sleeping there, but thinking sex would have been going too far.

She wants to see me again, and I'm also unsure about that. Am I still techinically in a relationship, is this cheating or just moving on?

I have been completely, almost overly, honest with the girl I just met, and would have no problem being honest about this with my girlfriend (time-out girl, or whatever the proper term would be).

How do you guys see it?

I saw the new girl the other day. She still seems absolutely awesome and it's quite clear there's a strong connection between us.

I know it's all coming awfully soon, and at a weird time, but it honestly doesn't feel like a rebound thing. Of course I'm still dealing with issues from the pause/break-up, but I would have liked this girl no matter when and how I met her. To me it's quite clear it's not primarily loneliness, solace, desire for a relationship or any other classic rebound feeling driving us together.

Still trying my best being honest to myself and this situation, following both my head and heart.
The one I recently met is truly a wonderful girl, but still have some doubts about all of this, if it's more lust (on her part) or potentially something deeper.
Haven't heard from the girl I'm on a break with, and don't know if what I'm doing is moving on, okay or not.

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated, thank you.