I need help...

It has been almost 2 years since my wife had an affair... and I am still crazy over it.

I married my high school sweat heart. We had never been with anyone else up until the affair. We had been married 12 years and have two children. I trusted her with all my heart and soul. Se went away for school (working on her graduate degree), and had gone away for school many times in our relationship. Two years ago while away for 12 days, a married man in her class hit on her and asked her to sleep with him.

She said she struggled with the decision but decided to go for it... just two days after our 12 wedding anniversary. They had sex two nights in a row. The first night she said that it took him forever to "finish"... in fact the condom fell off insider of her... To make him "finish" she told him to go into her unprotected... so he did. (she has an IUD so she thought she was "protected" ). She said it was not that enjoyable for her and that she was scared that he would tell someone so she agreed to have sex with him a second night. I found out later that she was more than willing to go for it a second time.

The second night he went down on her.. and she said she had an incredible orgasm... She kept in contact with him via Facebook, and had every intention of doing it again the next summer.

However, she started to get worried about STD's... she figured that since he was married he was "safe"... so she got tested... and hid it from me...

A few months after the affair I opened a bill and saw the std testing... she told me that it was a normal thing they do with women that get IUDs'... that the doctor does it more because they can't trust the spouse, and if an STD is present that he is not aware of it is bad for the woman...

I bought it hook line and sinker.. two months later I found another bill for more STD testing and confronted her..

She finally came clean. It took her 4 hours until she even said she was sorry... She viewed it as some life experience that she was entitled to... she gave into the lust.. she said...

My wive has no empathy... never has.. so this was not new to me.. but she distroyed me... I asked So was he better than me.. and she paused and said well... yes... in one way... and them went on to tell of his oral technique...

I got us into counseling immediately, and she was given an chance to leave the relationship if she wanted to.. she chose to stay...

At that point my world was rocked, and I was trying to hang on with everything that I could...

Now nearly 2 years later I am still emotionally crushed by it all. I want very much to "get even" with the guy she slept with... (I know this is misplaced anger) I also cannot get the vision of the two of them out of my head... Sex is very hard for me...

My wife says she loves me, and that she did not intend to hurt me, and that it had nothing to do with me... but I feel so rejected... so conflicted... so hurt.. I am a wreck...

To make matters worse, it turns out she "we" did get an std... we now carry the cancer causing strain of the HPV virus... My wife has already had one PAP with abnormal cells.

Has anyone else been here.. what can I do...

Hello Gonenuts,

First off, I am very sorry to hear all of this! It is/was something that you don't deserve.

You keep referring to her as "my wife", so I take it you two are still married?

This is a very tough decision for you to make.

Considering the fact that she went back to this man after she had already done it once, well I would leave her.

I can see that you are going crazy over this, and I don't blame you!

She is telling you that this other man was better at some of their intimate momments.

Let me ask you this, do YOU think you can live with the fact that she has done this to you?

Can you trust her again, even though she had said that she is sorry?

Can you ever forgive her for giving you an std?

Can you make love to her feeling the way you used to before all of this?

These are some questions you really need to think about.

My heart goes out to you!

Please answer my questions.

Wow, she actually went into detail and even told you he was better than you in bed? Unreal.

It's been two years and it still feels like yesterday, you remembered a lot of details. Sorry guy but if I were you, I'd shove divorce papers in her face and tell her to pack her sh*t and leave. If you can't move on--most couples don't--by now you never will. There's no sense in torturing yourself for anyone, not for your wife nor even your kids. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of them.

Sounds like she doesn't regret it and I think you'd agree with me. She even found this guy on Facebook with the intention of doing it again. And it's true, she didn't want to hurt you, she just wanted to get her kicks with that clown and hope you'd never find out so she could have her cake and eat it to.

You need to make the move.

Hello Gonenuts,

First off, I am very sorry to hear all of this! It is/was something that you don't deserve.

You keep referring to her as "my wife", so I take it you two are still married?

Yes, we are still married. I have done everything in my power to keep things that way. IT has been very hard for me, aside form the therapist, and one close friend no one else knows about the affair. I did not want to shame her or have family/friends influence the already bad situation. We see both of our families every week... It has been hard keeping it to myself, but I think in the long run it is best.

This is a very tough decision for you to make.

Considering the fact that she went back to this man after she had already done it once, well I would leave her.

She she told me that "she figured that the damage was already done." why not do it again.... I found out from the other guys wife that my wife actually striped for him the second night... She did not tell me that until I told her I knew..

I am a very passionate person, and love maker... we had, and she tells me so, that she was happy with our sex life. (part of the reason she slept with the guy was that he said his sex live was bad... which was apparently the case)... she felt sorry for him....


I can see that you are going crazy over this, and I don't blame you!

She is telling you that this other man was better at some of their intimate momments.

She has since retracted saying that it was more the thrill of the moment... the passion of the "new touch"... I really should have known long before I figured it out (it took 6 months)... I Love to go down on her.. but she has never been a fan of it... when she came back, that is all she wanted to do... In fact I remember one time where she said.. I love it when you suck my hard for a second and then let it go.... And I am thinking to myself... When do I do that.....

Let me ask you this, do YOU think you can live with the fact that she has done this to you?

I try.. I love my family.. Love my kids... I don't want to ruin that.. Our relationship has always had this undercurrent, this idea that perhaps I am more in love than she is. I, We have always concluded that we just love differently, and that is ok. She said with the affair that she felt as if she deserved some passion... I don't know what to do with that really..


Can you trust her again, even though she had said that she is sorry?

It has taken time and a lot of pain for her to see the impact his has had.
She no longer defends the affair to me.. I do see she is sorry.. She says she is she behaves as if she is... , but she stops short of where I feel safe.. She is content that the relationship is forever damaged like a vase that has been put back together... I see that, but want it to be better...

Can you ever forgive her for giving you an std?

That is really hard..... and perhaps why I am holding on to a LOT of anger... it is not so much that I have an std.. it is how she could make a decision to have unprotected sex with this guy... I just can not wrap my head around that... and it just plain grosses me out...

Can you make love to her feeling the way you used to before all of this?

IT has been few and far between... it is almost as though the better I feel about US the worse low I fall into when the weight of what happened hits me agin..

These are some questions you really need to think about.

There is a ton that would take volumes to tell you about... I don't want to paint my wife in a bad light... but it is like she was just plane stupid and needed to make this mistake, and be confronted with the pain in order to feel it...

I am really at my wits end.... it makes me very passive aggressive... I feel as if I could just up and explode at any moment..


My heart goes out to you!

Please answer my questions.

Irst off, I am very sorry to hear all of this! It is/was something that you don't deserve.

You keep referring to her as "my wife", so I take it you two are still married?

Yes, we are still married. I have done everything in my power to keep things that way. IT has been very hard for me, aside form the therapist, and one close friend no one else knows about the affair. I did not want to shame her or have family/friends influence the already bad situation. We see both of our families every week... It has been hard keeping it to myself, but I think in the long run it is best.

This is a very tough decision for you to make.

Considering the fact that she went back to this man after she had already done it once, well I would leave her.

She she told me that "she figured that the damage was already done." why not do it again... I found out from the other guys wife that my wife actually striped for him the second night... She did not tell me that until I told her I knew..

I am a very passionate person, and love maker... we had, and she tells me so, that she was happy with our sex life. (part of the reason she slept with the guy was that he said his sex live was bad... which was apparently the case)... she felt sorry for him...


I can see that you are going crazy over this, and I don't blame you!

She is telling you that this other man was better at some of their intimate momments.

She has since retracted saying that it was more the thrill of the moment... the passion of the "new touch"... I really should have known long before I figured it out (it took 6 months)... I Love to go down on her.. but she has never been a fan of it... when she came back, that is all she wanted to do... In fact I remember one time where she said.. I love it when you suck my hard for a second and then let it go... And I am thinking to myself... When do I do that...

Let me ask you this, do YOU think you can live with the fact that she has done this to you?

I try.. I love my family.. Love my kids... I don't want to ruin that.. Our relationship has always had this undercurrent, this idea that perhaps I am more in love than she is. I, We have always concluded that we just love differently, and that is OK. She said with the affair that she felt as if she deserved some passion... I don't know what to do with that really..


Can you trust her again, even though she had said that she is sorry?

It has taken time and a lot of pain for her to see the impact his has had.
She no longer defends the affair to me.. I do see she is sorry.. She says she is she behaves as if she is.. but she stops short of where I feel safe.. She is content that the relationship is forever damaged like a vase that has been put back together... I see that, but want it to be better...

Can you ever forgive her for giving you an std?

That is really hard... and perhaps why I am holding on to a LOT of anger... it is not so much that I have an std.. It is how she could make a decision to have unprotected sex with this guy... I just can not wrap my head around that... and it just plain grosses me out...

Can you make love to her feeling the way you used to before all of this?

IT has been few and far between... it is almost as though the better I feel about US the worse low I fall into when the weight of what happened hits me again..

These are some questions you really need to think about.

There is a ton that would take volumes to tell you about... I don't want to paint my wife in a bad light... but it is like she was just plane stupid and needed to make this mistake, and be confronted with the pain in order to feel it...

I am really at my wits end... it makes me very passive aggressive... I feel as if I could just up and explode at any moment..


My heart goes out to you!

YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET OVER THIS!!
#1= she already told you she has "every intention of doing this again next summer"

#2= went into detail about this jerk's "tecnique"

#3= you want to keep it together for your kids, this one I love, so you want to keep it together for your kids so when they get older and find out, ( which they will) they will know that it is OK to stay with your spouse that cheated on you not once but twice and already said they will do it again? What would you tell your kids if they were in this situation? Or your brother ? Or sister? Or parents?
come on!! For her to even consider this she has lost all respect for you and for her family. She lost faith in her marriage and thinks NOTHING, NADA of your feelings. Your 12th wedding anniversary and she has unprotected sex with another married man, gets an STD and she said she deserved this? Yea maybe the STD. Nice she was able to have an increddible orgasm but you NEVER WILL with your "wife" because you will always be thinking of the guy she had sex with, that she said was better than you.
I really feel for you and I hope that you come to your senses for you and your children. And when she goes off to these trips for "School" you will be climbing up the walls wondering who is there? Is she going to have sex with someone? Did the guy meet her there? CAN YOU LIVE WITH THIS?? YOUR WORTH MORE AND SO ARE YOUR KIDS! Good Luck, seriously

Sonomama29,

Yes, when confronted she said that if she was not caught she would have probably done it again.

Like I said it has pretty much taken putting me on the brink of sanity for her to realize what she has done.

At first I was so concerned with protecting my marriage that I never really thought about what I needed or really wanted. She told me things that broke my spirit. To me it was as if she just didn't have the guts to end it herself and was forcing me too.

Then she came around a bit.. I think now she better understands the pain that I feel, but I feel like she stops short of what a real commitment should be. I can't put it into words.. but I feel like it is not enough for me..

I feel like I am in a no win situation and the she has everything to gain. I will be in anguish with or without her. I think she would find someone else quite quickly...

She wants us to stay together... she tells me all the time... She knows I am in pain and is actively stopping me sometimes from breaking it off.

I am so so very conflicted... I go in waves where I am fine.. and then times like now when I want to lash out at the world.

She tells me it was just sex.. and that she has leaned that sex is just sex... Drives me nuts but she says that I am every bit as good as he was in bed... I don't want to be every bit as good I want to be the one...

I just can't wrap my head around it... I do not think it is possible for me to do the same thing she did... I do think I could cheat... we all could... but I would need to love or have feelings for someone... I asked what she would do if I did what she did.. she said she would leave me because she knows that their would have been feelings behind it...

irst off, I am very sorry to hear all of this! It is/was something that you don't deserve.

You keep referring to her as "my wife", so I take it you two are still married?

Yes, we are still married. I have done everything in my power to keep things that way. IT has been very hard for me, aside form the therapist, and one close friend no one else knows about the affair. I did not want to shame her or have family/friends influence the already bad situation. We see both of our families every week... It has been hard keeping it to myself, but I think in the long run it is best.

This is a very tough decision for you to make.

Considering the fact that she went back to this man after she had already done it once, well I would leave her.

She she told me that "she figured that the damage was already done." why not do it again.... I found out from the other guys wife that my wife actually striped for him the second night... She did not tell me that until I told her I knew..

I am a very passionate person, and love maker... we had, and she tells me so, that she was happy with our sex life. (part of the reason she slept with the guy was that he said his sex live was bad... which was apparently the case)... she felt sorry for him....


I can see that you are going crazy over this, and I don't blame you!

She is telling you that this other man was better at some of their intimate momments.

She has since retracted saying that it was more the thrill of the moment... the passion of the "new touch"... I really should have known long before I figured it out (it took 6 months)... I Love to go down on her.. but she has never been a fan of it... when she came back, that is all she wanted to do... In fact I remember one time where she said.. I love it when you suck my hard for a second and then let it go.... And I am thinking to myself... When do I do that.....

Let me ask you this, do YOU think you can live with the fact that she has done this to you?

I try.. I love my family.. Love my kids... I don't want to ruin that.. Our relationship has always had this undercurrent, this idea that perhaps I am more in love than she is. I, We have always concluded that we just love differently, and that is ok. She said with the affair that she felt as if she deserved some passion... I don't know what to do with that really..


Can you trust her again, even though she had said that she is sorry?

It has taken time and a lot of pain for her to see the impact his has had.
She no longer defends the affair to me.. I do see she is sorry.. She says she is she behaves as if she is... , but she stops short of where I feel safe.. She is content that the relationship is forever damaged like a vase that has been put back together... I see that, but want it to be better...

Can you ever forgive her for giving you an std?

That is really hard..... and perhaps why I am holding on to a LOT of anger... it is not so much that I have an std.. it is how she could make a decision to have unprotected sex with this guy... I just can not wrap my head around that... and it just plain grosses me out...

Can you make love to her feeling the way you used to before all of this?

IT has been few and far between... it is almost as though the better I feel about US the worse low I fall into when the weight of what happened hits me agin..

These are some questions you really need to think about.

There is a ton that would take volumes to tell you about... I don't want to paint my wife in a bad light... but it is like she was just plane stupid and needed to make this mistake, and be confronted with the pain in order to feel it...

I am really at my wits end.... it makes me very passive aggressive... I feel as if I could just up and explode at any moment..


My heart goes out to you!



YOU don't have to paint a bad picture of your wife... She did that herself!

You say that you are at your wits end and that you could explode at any moment? That's because you will!

After all of this, you keep protecting her, and continue to stay with you.


Ok, let's just for one second pretend that she did it ONCE, then told you about it,right after the fact, then you two went to counseling, and your marriage is great now. I could ALMOST see you staying with her and forgiving her! BUT, the fact that she openly admits that she could do it again, and goes in to great detail about their little sexcapades, is beyond me!

Why you would want to know the details, I also can't figure out. I wouldn't want to know!

You deserve better! Plain and simple! Sure, she was your high school sweet heart, the love of your life, but she has changed and I don't think that you two can rectify this!

A wife does not go into the arms of another man, simply for the THRILL!

If you (she) wants a thrill, then spice up your sex life with role playing, toys, positions, so on... Cheating is not the answer!

Again, I tell you that YOU have a tough decision to make.

You seem like a smart man, so be smart in your decision. As you know, there are women out there that wouldn't do these things to you.

In this case, if it were me, I would rather be alone, then with a cheater!

Now, ask yourself, which would you prefer?

I do think I could cheat... we all could... but I would need to love or have feelings for someone....



I totally disagree with that! I, for one, could never cheat on anybody! Speak for yourself, not for others!

Well I normally recommend counseling but counseling has already been done. To be honest with you I do not think she loves you. Given you all the sordid details of the affair and telling you he was better in some ways. I think in this situation. Your not happy, you still are not over the hurt. The affair caused such a rift in the marriage in itself and so much more. I think it is time to decide whether to leave or not. If you are prepared to leave, get the divorce proceedings started.

You can not live with what she has done, and chances are she will do it again. Sounds like it the way you have talked about the situation and her part in it.

Have not been through it, hope I never do.. Do not think it will, but in my own opinion it is time to separate and get a divorce.

I suggest you try focusing on yourself for a while, working on being confident and more independent of her and working on other aspects of your life (social, hobbies, children, work) and being happier independently of her. If the relationship survives, your will be confident with yourself and will no longer act more committed to her than she is to you, if the relationship does not survive, you will. She should not be the center of your Universe (even if she hadn't cheated) she should one aspect of your life out of many other fulfilling ones.

Have you considered a trial separation?

What is really the issue here is the calculated betrayal and the fact that your wife's irresponsible behavior has put your health and hers at risk.

I'm sorry, I don't usually advocate separation but this relationship is not clearly not good for you. It's been 2 years, you've been to counselling and nothing has changed. You're living in some sort of crazed limbo where you continually rehash the sordid details and you can't get over it, and your wife seems to make it worse not better for you.

You know that you need to make a choice. Is this where you really want to be?

Is your wife really the person you want to be with? Does she have the qualities that inspire love, confidence and trust?

The reason you feel so troubled is because you know what you're living is not right. The person you're with is not right.

Listen carefully to your anguish. Within your despair you'll find the truth.

Sometimes these bad things happen in our lives to show us the way.

I suggest you try focusing on yourself for a while, working on being confident and more independant of her and working on other aspects of your life (social, hobbies, children, work) and being happier independantly of her. If the relationship survives, your will be confident with yourself and will no longer act more committed to her than she is to you, if the relationship does not survive, you will. She should not be the center of your Universe (even if she hadn't cheated) she should one aspect of your life out of many other fulfilling ones.

Have you considered a trial seperation?

YOur advice is on par with what my therapist says... and my wife says. IT drives me nuts that she is so "healthy" and ready to move on and I get stuck in one place.. I do have good times but right now I am just very low. You are correct in seeing that this has been a huge blow to myself esteem... huge... I was very happy with who I was... now I am not.

I am self employed... My health insurance is via my wife... Ten years ago I had a brain injury... the doctors saved me, and I do not have any lasting effects, but it makes it nearly impossible for me to get health coverage. It also drives me nuts to think of my kids calling someone else dad. I am very involved in their life as I work form home.

Well there is still other possibilities of health care coverage. Just because you separate and divorce does not mean you still can not be a huge part of your children s life.

It is up to you to use all your strength, to fight for your kids and to see them as much as you can. No matter what.

Well there is still other possibilities of health care coverage. Just because you separate and divorce does not mean you still can not be a huge part of your children s life.

It is up to you to use all your strength, to fight for your kids and to see them as much as you can. No matter what.

Yep! Not to mention, the kids are witnessing this unhealthy relationship.

Is that what you want? I don't think you do.

If it's been two years and you still have not gotten close to forgiving her then you probably never will.

The fact that this was "premeditated", she has no real excuse for doing it (at the end of the day, a guy asked her plainly if she would have sex with him, and she did, twice), The fact that she felt she had a right to do this and intended to do it again. To top it off She gave you a serious STD

If I were in your shoes I would have served divorce papers a long time ago.
It really sounds as if the only regrets she has about the affair is that she got caught and you got hurt. Which means there is nothing stopping her from doing it again if she thinks she could get away with it.

Also as for your kids, you can still be a large part of their life if you get a divorce, there's no reason you couldn't get custody yourself

You said it, she has no empathy. And so I'm thinking she won't much appreciate what you may go trough to get over this. My guess is you'd be better off wihtout her.

The consensus of everyone here is obviously it is time to separate and get a divorce.

No excuses for sticking around. Just do it. You will be better off. The reason for divorce, well your partner slept around with somebody else. It was not a mistake but calculated.

The kids will be under your protection. Or they should be. You need to do everything you can to keep your kids close. I am sure that they will understand that your wife is unfit parent and an unfit spouse.

And also brought home diseases..

Just to clarify... I don't believe the relationship is not slavageable. But I do think there are other issues to work on, other than the cheating...

I was in a relalationship once with a great man. But like you, he was more committed to me than I was to him. Eventually he resolved some issues that were affecting his self esteem (personal issues including work and finances) and things eventually 'evened out' in the relationship (we were both on the same level of being 'into' one another) and it helped the relationship TREMENDOUSLY. I really felt better about him not being more dependent on me than I was on him, it felt like the relationship benefitted so much because of it. And it was actually nice for both of us to feel like I was the one who wanted more attention/validation from him sometimes instead of it being the other way around all the time.

I know this is a different issue all together, and I don't mean to belittle what your wife did, but I get the feeling that the issue of you builsing your life around her could possibly have played a part in what she did. I know people may totally dissagree with me but I don't think you should throw all the years you've been together down the toilet over this.

I do feel like the HPV issue has made it much worse for me.. and harder to deal with... she has put blinder on to it. She feels like it is not that big a deal, that many people have the cancer causing HPV and nothing ever happens.

To my surprise her OBGYN kind of blew it off too.

She had a PAP come back positive for HPV related pre-cancer cells... a second test later showed no new cells.. so she goes back again in 6 mo... if it shows new cells she will get a LEEP.

Noting I can do about it... And now even if I do want to move on to a new relationship I have an STD. Who wants to be with someone that has an STD. I see myself as damaged goods in many many ways.

My doctor was not so quick to dismiss it... He made it clear that I am now obligated to disclose it to any future partners. And I agree with the 100%.. how is that for an icebreaker...

In men the HPV strain can cause rectal,and penis cancer. It is also a leading cause of Throat cancer in men... I am worried because my grandfather died of throat cancer... and I already have issues with my throat due to acid reflux...

My doctor says it is rare, but he has seen two really nasty cases of HPV related throat cancer in his practice. He advises me to be screened annually.

I guess maybe the consensus here isn't so much that you should get divorced but that you need to decide, you either forgive her and stay married, or don't forgive her and get divorced, but you really should make a decision, plan accordingly and act. You are driving yourself crazy. Someone said it earlier, you are in a state of limbo, which is unhealthy.

If you are looking for support or justification to end the marriage, please know that you need none. You are not a bad person if you cannot get over this, you did nothing wrong, she did.

I personally think cheating is something people can get over. But I also think that they absolutely don't HAVE to get over it if they feel that they can't. Obviously, you fall in that category.

I suggest you try focusing on yourself for a while, working on being confident and more independant of her and working on other aspects of your life (social, hobbies, children, work) and being happier independantly of her. If the relationship survives, your will be confident with yourself and will no longer act more committed to her than she is to you, if the relationship does not survive, you will. She should not be the center of your Universe (even if she hadn't cheated) she should one aspect of your life out of many other fulfilling ones.

Have you considered a trial seperation?



Once a cheater and a liar... it won't change. Don't clump all women in the category with your wife. Some of us take our vows seriously.

Just to clarify...I don't believe the relationship is not slavageable. But I do think there are other issues to work on, other than the cheating...

I was in a relalationship once with a great man. But like you, he was more committed to me than I was to him. Eventually he resolved some issues that were affecting his self esteem (personal issues including work and finances) and things eventually 'evened out' in the relationship (we were both on the same level of being 'into' one another) and it helped the relationship TREMENDOUSLY. I really felt better about him not being more dependant on me than I was on him, it felt like the relationship benefitted so much because of it. And it was actually nice for both of us to feel like I was the one who wanted more attention/validation from him sometimes instead of it being the other way around all the time.

I know this is a different issue all together, and I don't mean to belittle what your wife did, but I get the feeling that the issue of you builsing your life around her could possibly have played a part in what she did. I know people may totally dissagree with me but I don't think you should throw all the years you've been together down the toilet over this.


I do agree with you in some degree... we have actually had that discussion before... (post affair) she said that she wished I would be more aloof sometimes..

I have always been the caretaker in the relationship... that is just who I am... I am the proverbial "nice guy". I express my love via service and lovemaking is a big part of that... for me... I feel that is why I have been so threatened by the affair. Lovemaking for her is more of a physical act... I am not a weak man.. I am attractive... fit... and very defensive of what I think is right... I am honest to a falt.. but yes when it comes to my wife I play the servant role.

She has told me that she admires me for the decent man I am, the way I stick to my guns, and can and have built a successful business from nothing..

I have made my position clear since day one in our relationship that I was a one strike and your out guy when it came to cheating... when the bill clinton thing was in the news we had discussions about it, and I was much more hard lined... she said that was a big reason she hid it from me for as long as she could.

And here I am now not standing my ground... I wish it were more black and white...

I simply can't see myself with any other woman... I don't desire it at all... My wife says that a part of her still wants to be in a new relationship.. and that she thinks that is normal for anyone in any marriage... I am not sure I agree. I understand that I can appreciate a nice looking woman, and be enamered with someone... but to take the step to cross the line I don't understand.

I used to be so proud of the fact that we had only ever been with one another... In my college years I was tempted... but I never strayed... I never imagined this would happen to me... If anything I felt as if I would be the one to stray long before she would...

Now a feel a bit silly about have only ever been with her... like I have been conned... gamed in some way... I don't have any desire to be with another woman... I suspect if we part that it would take me a great deal of time... if at all..

Thank you all for helping me to work this out..

I do agree with you in some degree... we have actually had that discussion before...(post affair) she said that she wished I would be more aloof sometimes..

I have always been the caretaker in the relationship.... that is just who i am... I am the proverbial "nice guy". I express my love via service and lovemaking is a big part of that... for me... I feel that is why I have been so threatened by the affair. Lovemaking for her is more of a physical act... I am not a weak man.. I am attractive... fit... and very defensive of what I think is right... I am honest to a falt.. but yes when it comes to my wife I play the servant role.

She has told me that she admires me for the decent man I am, the way I stick to my guns, and can and have built a successful business from nothing..

I have made my position clear since day one in our relationship that I was a one strike and your out guy when it came to cheating... when the bill clinton thing was in the news we had discussions about it, and I was much more hard lined... she said that was a big reason she hid it from me for as long as she could.

And here I am now not standing my ground... I wish it were more black and white...

I simply can't see myself with any other woman... I don't desire it at all... My wife says that a part of her still wants to be in a new relationship .. and that she thinks that is normal for anyone in any marriage... I am not sure I agree. I understand that I can appreciate a nice looking woman, and be enamered with someone... but to take the step to cross the line I don't understand.

I used to be so proud of the fact that we had only ever been with one another... In my college years I was tempted... but I never strayed... I never imagined this would happen to me... If anything I felt as if I would be the one to stray long before she would...

Now a feel a bit silly about have only ever been with her.... like I have been conned.... gamed in some way..... I don't have any desire to be with another woman... I suspect if we part that it would take me a great deal of time... if at all..

Thank you all for helping me to work this out..

She's a selfish, lying sleazeball. I hope you can live with that.:(

Honestly, I think if you decided to leave, what she did would finally sink in and she would regret it more than she realizes right now. I think she knows you're not going anywhere and this is why she's not as invested in you as she should be. She is basically taking you for granted because she has the impression that no matter what, you will always want to be with her. I also think that if you did decide on a trial separation and she finally realized that there is a possibility she may lose you, she would do 180 and sincerely regret her actions and ask for forgiveness. I know it sounds childish that that's what it would take for her to wake up but again, I get the sense that she feels you are not going anywhere no matter what. That may be the message you are giving her, throughout this whole thing and most likely prior. Even if you did tell her 'one strike and you're out, etc', how you are with her, and your actions speak louder.

I have thought that as well.. I just don't want to play games.. and it would make the entire thing public..

But I do think I am ready to take that step... it would make her face it, and I think the pain of having her family find out would bring it home a bit as well... I would like to avoid that if possible though...

I have thought that as well.. I just don't want to play games..., and it would make the entire thing public..

But I do think I am ready to take that step... it would make her face it, and i think the pain of having her family find out would bring it home a bit as well... I would like to avoid that if possible though...

Her family needs to know and if you do leave make it clear to them why!
Don't be a weak man... Stand up for yourself and know when trust is broken it can never be regained. She doesn't respect you the way you are... Leave.:confused:

Part of the problem here is that you've made all these rules for yourself:

.. "I'm a nice guy, I'm decent, I'm the caretaker, I stand my ground when it comes to infidelity, I'm loyal, I can't desire anyone else, etc "...

What you've now found, via this situation with your wife, is is that lots of these rules have been broken, or don't apply any more, so you feel immobilized, unable to make a decision or act on what you believe.

You've lost yourself because you haven't stuck to your guns and you haven't stood firm on your values.

You keep making excuses for a marriage that exists in name only and this only serves to perpetuate your confusion and anguish.

May I humbly suggest that she has your testicles in a jar, by her side of the bed? I think that it's time to 'man up' and take a realistic look at your marriage.

Your wife has purposefully cheated and lied, and to add insult to injury she admits that part of her still wants to be in a new relationhsip. She says that this is 'normal' in any marriage. Yea, right.

You are profoundly unhappy and you know deep down that the trust is shattered. She has not given you any reason to trust her again and probably only stays because you feed her narcissism by being servile.

You don't know what will happen in the future, just as you didn't know that your wife could behave in this way. So to say that you will never desire another woman or have another relationship is just absurd.

It's time to stop making these silly rules and excuses for yourself and go back to the person you once were - if you want loyalty, trust and commitment in a relationship then you're in the wrong one.

It's your choice. Stay and suffer or leave and find yourself again. No one is saying it will be easy, but you have lost your way and it's time to reclaim your manhood and reclaim your self-respect.

Part of the problem here is that you've made all these rules for yourself:

.. "I'm a nice guy, I'm decent, I'm the caretaker, I stand my ground when it comes to infidelity, I'm loyal, I can't desire anyone else, etc "......

What you've now found, via this situation with your wife, is is that lots of these rules have been broken, or don't apply any more, so you feel immobilized, unable to make a decision or act on what you believe.

You've lost yourself because you haven't stuck to your guns and you haven't stood firm on your values.

You keep making excuses for a marriage that exists in name only and this only serves to perpetuate your confusion and anguish.

May I humbly suggest that she has your testicles in a jar, by her side of the bed? I think that it's time to 'man up' and take a realistic look at your marriage.

Your wife has purposefully cheated and lied, and to add insult to injury she admits that part of her still wants to be in a new relationhsip. She says that this is 'normal' in any marriage. Yea, right.

You are profoundly unhappy and you know deep down that the trust is shattered. She has not given you any reason to trust her again and probably only stays because you feed her narcissism by being servile.

You don't know what will happen in the future, just as you didn't know that your wife could behave in this way. So to say that you will never desire another woman or have another relationship is just absurd.

It's time to stop making these silly rules and excuses for yourself and go back to the person you once were - if you want loyalty, trust and commitment in a relationship then you're in the wrong one.

It's your choice. Stay and suffer or leave and find yourself again. No one is saying it will be easy, but you have lost your way and it's time to reclaim your manhood and reclaim your self-respect.

That in a nutshell.

Wake UP. Smell the cheater. The user. The one that will sleep with whoever if asked. Maybe there are other diseases on there way home. HIV, HEP B, but you will find out after it is too late.

SAVE yourself and get out now. NO more excuses.

Like the above answer said, it is absurd to think you will never be attracted to any other women or never be in another relationship. That will not be the case, guaranteed.

That in a nutshell.

Wake UP. Smell the cheater. The user. The one that will sleep with whoever if asked. Maybe there are other diseases on there way home. HIV, HEP B, but you will find out after it is too late.

SAVE yourself and get out now. NO more excuses.

Like the above answer said, it is absurd to think you will never be attracted to any other women or never be in another relationship. That will not be the case, guaranteed.

I don't understand men who hold on to a woman who has cheated and I would bet it wasn't the first time or it won't be the last. She knows you'll always be there to walk on.. Get OUT

I have thought that as well.. I just don't want to play games..., and it would make the entire thing public..

But I do think I am ready to take that step... it would make her face it, and i think the pain of having her family find out would bring it home a bit as well... I would like to avoid that if possible though...

You shouldn't tell family/friends purely to hurt her, but you shouldn't let the fear of them finding out stop you from doing what you feel you need to do to either leave her or make this work. It was her mistake and you shouldn't have to suffer in order to help her keep it a secret.

gonenuts, its immature to "get back " at her by cheating. You were the supportive husband, you followed what you PROMISED to her 12 years ago on your wedding day, you were faithfull, a great father, help her further her schooling and her career, had faith in her that she loved you and would stay true to you and maintain her marriage with honesty. If it wasent going to be that guy that weekend, it would have been someone else a different weekend. She doesn't want to divorce you? Why should she? She is having her cake and eating it to. You will never get over this, yes I'm sure she knows know that it was a mistake, but were not 19? She knew it was a mistake when she was doing it. I give you credit for even being able to kiss her or have relations with her. She disrespected herself, you and her kids by sleeping with another MARRIED MAN? For her needs? You needed her to be true, you needed her to be your wife? What are you needs? Do you ever want to be in a happy relationship? With someone you will never have to doubt anymore? Is she really going to the store? Who will be there? Who is she texting all day at work? Is this how you want to live? I really feel for you. Your feeling will never change. Good luck

Gonenuts,


I know it's wrong to cheat on someone but I can see that your wife never been with anyone but you. She doesn't have the experience that a lot of us has. Woman like that are very vulnerable. Too bad it happened to you. The fact that she tells you everything it shows that she's honest but sometime being too honest is not good as it kills you. But I think honesty is a quality.

You've been together for 12 years. How many marriage last that long nowaday? Last time I heard divorce rate is like 50%. Everyone makes mistakes, if you were with her for one or two years I say divorce her but you guys been together for a long time. I think you should try to work things out if this one time cheating is your only problem.

Gonenuts,


I know it's wrong to cheat on someone but I can see that your wife never been with anyone but you. She doesn't have the experience that a lot of us has. Woman like that are very vulnerable. Too bad it happened to you. The fact that she tells you everything it shows that she's honest but sometime being too honest is not good as it kills you. But I think honesty is a quality.

You've been together for 12 years. How many marriage last that long nowaday? Last time I heard divorce rate is like 50%. Everyone makes mistakes, if you were with her for one or two years I say divorce her but you guys been together for a long time. I think you should try to work things out if this one time cheating is your only problem.

Trust is gone...

I told her last night that I am thinking of leaving... I just laid out how I was feeling... How I can not get over it. NO accusations. No yelling.. just laying it out.

We have always communicated well, and been respectful with each other... up until this happened we hardly ever raised our voices with each other...

For her part, it is over in her mind. She has a "heathy" outlook on it.. I feel like I am the one that is stuck..

She has told me that she is committed to our relationship. She reaffirms that often... She feels like she is doing the best she can to brings things back. She says she knows it will never be the same, but that we have a good future together.

Again, last night she told me that she is not going anywhere, and that she wants to be with me.

I just don't know if that is enough... I do not trust that she does love me...

For me as I go through this process it is as if the better I feel about US the worse the hangover or backlash. After times when I feel really connected to her, really together... eventually it hits me again what she has done... and the weight of it in light of how good I feel brings it all crashing down again... I am reminded of how broken it has become...

I believe that she is sorry, I believe that she will not do it again... but I don't think I trust it... or that I am getting what I need... I am not really sure what that is or even how to ask for it...

She is trying.. I just wonder if I am so scarred that it even matters anymore...

She is the poison and the cure... sometimes I avoid looking at her... because when I do I get a vision of her with him...

I feel crazy... I really do... The stress of it has aged us both...

Again thanks for all of the insightful comments...

I told her last night that I am thinking of leaving.... I just laid out how I was feeling... How I can not get over it. NO accusations. no yelling.. just laying it out.

We have always communicated well, and been respectful with each other... up until this happened we hardly ever raised our voices with each other...

For her part, it is over in her mind. She has a "heathy" outlook on it.. I feel like I am the one that is stuck..

She has told me that she is committed to our relationship. She reaffirms that often... She feels like she is doing the best she can to brings things back. She says she knows it will never be the same, but that we have a good future together.

Again, last night she told me that she is not going anywhere, and that she wants to be with me.

I just don't know if that is enough... I do not trust that she does love me....

For me as I go through this process it is as if the better I feel about US the worse the hangover or backlash. After times when I feel really connected to her, really together... eventually it hits me again what she has done... and the weight of it in light of how good I feel brings it all crashing down again... I am reminded of how broken it has become...

I believe that she is sorry, I believe that she will not do it again.... but I don't think I trust it... or that I am getting what I need... I am not really sure what that is or even how to ask for it....

She is trying.. I just wonder if I am so scarred that it even matters anymore ...

She is the poison and the cure.... sometimes I avoid looking at her... because when I do I get a vision of her with him.....

I feel crazy... I really do... The stress of it has aged us both...

Again thanks for all of the insightful comments....

Talk to a minister or a counselor.. If your marriage can be saved and you want that.. You need help... you both do. Please know my prayers are with you. Blessings

I believe that you will stay with her andyou will let this depression, guilt, pain and uncontrolible torture kill you. I really feel bad for you. You sound like a wonderful husband and you "wife" doesn't deserve you. Sure a minister will make you work it out no 1 wants 2 get divorced exp. When kids are involved, they see the difference in you both and they know something is up. Good luck with faking "your happy family", seriously good luck to you. I do wish you the best.

Try a small forgiveness exercise!!

I would like to say that the only thing that I have learnt and personally experienced is that if you want to move on in life you have to forgive those that have wronged you and further forgive yourself for the being the fool in the first place. Or if you have done the wrong, then again, self forgiveness is required.

Now, forgiveness does not mean that you go out and start associating with the person that has wronged you. Or you start to party, or invite them back into your life. Forgiveness has a simple procedure and I would urge you to try it.

Step 1: Sit alone in your room - close your eyes and imagine the person that you want to forgive standing or sitting in front of you - smiling (this is the difficult part)

Step 2: Mentally state to the person " I give you love, I give you peace, I forgive you" - Say this about 10 times.

Step 3: Repeat the above process about 3 times a day

I guarantee that the person himself/herself will come back and apologise to you and you won't care one way or another.

Warm regards,

Nonny ([email protected])

I would like to say that the only thing that I have learnt and personally experienced is that if you want to move on in life you have to forgive those that have wronged you and further forgive yourself for the being the fool in the first place. Or if you have done the wrong, then again, self forgiveness is required.

Now, forgiveness does not mean that you go out and start associating with the person that has wronged you. Or you start to party, or invite them back into your life. Forgiveness has a simple procedure and I would urge you to try it.

Step 1: Sit alone in your room - close your eyes and imagine the person that you want to forgive standing or sitting in front of you - smiling (this is the difficult part)

Step 2: Mentally state to the person " I give you love, I give you peace, I forgive you" - Say this about 10 times.

Step 3: Repeat the above process about 3 times a day

I guarantee that the person himself/herself will come back and apologise to you and you won't care one way or another.

Warm regards,

Nonny

I believe that she is sorry, I believe that she will not do it again... but I don't think I trust it... or that I am getting what I need... I am not really sure what that is or even how to ask for it...

She is trying.. I just wonder if I am so scarred that it even matters anymore...

She is the poison and the cure... sometimes I avoid looking at her... because when I do I get a vision of her with him...

I feel crazy... I really do... The stress of it has aged us both...

In the end you will need to make a choice. But before you make that choice you should attempt to get some perspective on the whole thing.

Are you able to speak to a counsellor on your own?

I don't think that there is an easy solution for your dilemma, pain and anguish, but I do think that you need professional help so that you can move on from this 'stuck' place that you find yourself in.

The way things are going, your marriage is going to be destroyed regardless of whether you stay or leave. So I'd suggest you need to be proactive and do something constructive about what choice you're going to make. I'd also suggest that at this point in time it's not a process you can undertake with your wife as you view her as part of the problem.

Get yourself to a counselor and start sorting through this - it has gone on for far too long and you'll go bananas if you don't take back some control.

In the end you will need to make a choice. But before you make that choice you should attempt to get some perspective on the whole thing.

Are you able to speak to a counsellor on your own?

I don't think that there is an easy solution for your dilemma, pain and anguish, but I do think that you need professional help so that you can move on from this 'stuck' place that you find yourself in.

The way things are going, your marriage is going to be destroyed regardless of whether you stay or leave. So I'd suggest you need to be proactive and do something constructive about what choice you're going to make. I'd also suggest that at this point in time it's not a process you can undertake with your wife as you view her as part of the problem.

Get yourself to a counselor and start sorting through this - it has gone on for far too long and you'll go bananas if you don't take back some control.

This is wonderful advice and you should read it and start getting help. Gemini54 ia very right:)

Emopunk7 disagrees: There are feelings involved. It can be done but it will be difficult.

Gonenuts, I'm sorry for you being in this position. Before my wife and I got married, we both agreed that infidelty was a deal breaker. No excuses, no "reasons" accepted. That's basically what most people do when they get married. They make an agreement to be faithful, and respect each other's feelings.

She said "it wasn't about you..." Well, it was about YOU, and the lack of respect and love for YOU. She cheated because she wanted to.

You have every right to be angry and hurt.

Her not showing remorse makes matters even worse.

You sound like a good man, and a loving, very involved father. That's our job isn't it?

I cannot give you any advice concerning divorce. All I can do is say that if this happened to me, and she did it more than once, and planned on doing it again, I would have a yard sale with my wife's things selling cheaper than dirt. "Leather jacket? How about a nickle?" If my wife wanted to act like a wh*re, then I would send her to the streets where she belongs. And give her the nickel for my "tab".

Please get into counseling before this kills you from the inside out.

May God bless you and your children. (Your wife is on her own.)

SONOMAMA29 disagrees : your not the one who cheated and bragged about it.. let everyone know


Sonomama29: please READ the site rules. "Disagrees" is for factually incorrect information only. You just gave the OP a red mark on his profile. If you are going to USE this site, then the least you can do is read the rules, and show some respect to it's members.

Try a small forgiveness exercise!!!!

Step 1: Sit alone in your room - close your eyes and imagine the person that you want to forgive standing or sitting infront of you - smiling (this is the difficult part)

Step 2: Mentally state to the person " I give you love, I give you peace, I forgive you" - Say this about 10 times.

Step 3: Repeat the above process about 3 times a day

I guarantee that the person himself/herself will come back and apologise to you and you wont care one way or another.



Now how does this work? Where did you get this exercise from? Except calm the person himself, forgiveness cannot act in any other way. Also, its not so easy and fast to forgive someone!

Still, I would like to urge Gonenuts to try this, he might feel better actively forgiving someone like this (if he succeeds).

Now how does this work? Where did you get this exercise from? Except calm the person himself, forgiveness cannot act in anyother way. Also, its not so easy and fast to forgive someone!!

I would like to urge Gonenuts to try this, he might feel better actively forgiving someone like this (if he succeeds).

Either learn to forgive or it will never work. She needs to ask forgiveness and if it works... great! You will never forget and theat's what bothers me. Can you sleep with this woman and not have those images in your head? Good Luck:)

Jesushelper1976 disagrees : balancer.

I do not mind any amount of balancers. But please provide me the reason for your "diagreements"!

graduate2life disagrees : this is too harsh. Women also get confused like plent of men do. gonenuts should focus on helping her see she is being so unfair to him. I do not recommend acting out this sort of animosity.


graduate2life, how about "graduating" to the site rules and instructions. "Disagrees" are for factually incorrect information. And while your at it, re-read my post. I did not recommend anything "harsh". I said if it was MY wife.

I was wondering when I would get a reddie from someone who didn't have the time to read the rules here. Pity actually. Most of the reddies I see are from people like you.

You take up for this insensitive cheater. But do it in the proper manner.

graduate2life disagrees : this is too harsh. women also get confused like plent of men do. gonenuts should focus on helping her see she is being so unfair to him. I do not recommend acting out this sort of animosity.


graduate2life, how about "graduating" to the site rules and instructions. "Disagrees" are for factually incorrect information. And while your at it, re-read my post. I did not recommend anything "harsh". I said if it was MY wife.

I was wondering when I would get a reddie from someone who didn't have the time to read the rules here. Pity actually. Most of the reddies I see are from people like you.

You go ahead and take up for this insensitive cheater. But do it in the proper manner.

Graduate2life Sit in your chair and smile and talk to yourself as much as you want! It's going to take more than that to fixt his guys marriage.:rolleyes:

Jesushelper1976 disagrees : balancer.

I do not mind any amount of balancers. But please provide me the reason for your "diagreements"!

Look who's talking.

Look who's talking.

Sometimes I wonder about people!:rolleyes: As jm said read the rules.

Gonenuts, sorry that this discussion has been somewhat hijacked.

I do think that there is a consensus among the posters through - you need to look after YOURSELF and get help for yourself before you can make an objective, informed decision.

However, it may be that you can never be truly objective - she is your wife after all - and I do understand that sometimes we can love people and still want to be with them despite the pain they have caused us.

All I can say to you is that if you decide to stay, do it genuinely, out of LOVE. Love for yourself as well as for your wife. Don't do it out of fear, or obligation or necessity. Do it because you ARE prepared to forgive and put aside yourself pity. Remember, self pity erodes love because when you feel sorry for yourself it's hard for others not to feel this way about you as well.

Please seriously consider taking some action so that you can feel positively about yourself and so that you can take back some control of yourself in this situation. Only then will you be able to see your way more clearly and make the best decision for yourself.

Please let us know how you're going.

Hi gonenuts

I have read through every single thread and really feel for you.

Firstly don't ever feel she is the best you can get after she's done what she has, every woman is looking for a good man like you, you will have no problem meeting someone new when your ready to so get that idea and feeling out of your head to start with.

Now I have been cheated on also and all I can say to you, having been there is that these feeings in your stomach that make you want to be sick and cry all at the same time don't go away while your with them, it will slowly but surely eat away at you, NOT HER, she did the damage, she is not hurt so she has nothing to get over, only you do and I have to say from experience its almost impossible to do. You will forever wonder IF she is or will or could do it again and unfortunately for people like us is that she probably will :(

I get the feeling from your posts that you are not ready to leave... yet. Threatening to do it in the hope of getting the reaction or pleas and something to make you feel better won't work, if your going to do it just do it, the more you mull over it you will talk yourself out of it and find sooooooooo many excuses not to go. But its excuses is what they are and you know that deep down.

I feel so bad for you and how your feeling at the moment but what I had to say to myself was that you can stay and live with these bad feelings and hurt OR leave and slowly but surely the hurt will get better because it will, it may not seem like it but it will, I promise BUT you have to know that staying it will not!

Be brave and strong and do what's best for you x

Thank you all again for all of your thoughts and posts. They really do help.

My wife does say and act as if she is sorry... but it took time to get there... It took her time to realize how much it damaged me... and damaged her. But in that time, so much was damaged for me... so much was said.. so much was lost... It is hard for me to just dismiss all that...

You are correct, that the affair is with me in the bedroom even under the best of times. I am still amazed at how often it is on my mind. And how bitter it has made me sometimes. We drove by an outdoor wedding the other day and my 5y old asked "what's that" and before I could think in my head I said to myself... "oh that is a ceremony where two people lie to each other"... I did not say that to my child, but that is what popped into my head.

I do see a therapist on my own. She too sees the need for me to build myself back up... I see it too... But it is hard to build myself back up with the memories so fresh in my mind. Sometimes it is hard for me to look at my wife when she comes home.

Part of my problem is isolation... I am self employed, and alone all while my kids are at school... That is a lot of time to stew in my own self pitty. I can say that my attitude has improved quite a bit over the last week... but is it a roller coaster ride.

I agree with the poster that said that I am not ready to leave the marriage. I am not. I do love my wive. I still remember with affection the first time I laid eyes on her some 21 year ago. I do think I am staying out of love. I am just having a hard time reconciling my feelings. I hope in time that it will be better... all the therapists (the one we saw together, and the one I am seeing) say that it is very possible to stay together and even have a stronger marriage... I hold hope...

I think part of my insecurity lies frankly in my lack of experience with other women... my wife has said that she wish she could give me that perspective that she had gained from the affair... She said that sex is just sex.. That it was no different with him as it is with me... My response to that I said is that I feel sorry for you then... It drive me nuts that she can make that statement.

I don't have any ideal that every time we have sex that it is some groundswelling emotional experience... but at its core it is making love.. at least for me...

In fact I think she was surprised at herself... she thought that she could just have a purely sexual experience and not have it impact her emotionally... but after their second night together she became attached to him and did keep in touch...

Thank you all again for all of your thoughts and posts. They really do help.

My wife does say and act as if she is sorry... but it took time to get there.... It took her time to realize how much it damaged me... and damaged her. But in that time, so much was damaged for me... so much was said.. so much was lost.... It is hard for me to just dismiss all that....

You are correct, that the affair is with me in the bedroom even under the best of times. I am still amazed at how often it is on my mind. And how bitter it has made me sometimes. We drove by an outdoor wedding the other day and my 5y old asked "what's that" and before I could think in my head I said to myself .... "oh that is a ceremony where two people lie to each other"..... I did not say that to my child, but that is what popped into my head.

I do see a therapist on my own. She too sees the need for me to build myself back up.... I see it too... But it is hard to build myself back up with the memories so fresh in my mind. Sometimes it is hard for me to look at my wife when she comes home.

Part of my problem is isolation... I am self employed, and alone all while my kids are at school.... That is a lot of time to stew in my own self pitty. I can say that my attitude has improved quite a bit over the last week... but is it a roller coaster ride.

I agree with the poster that said that I am not ready to leave the marriage. I am not. I do love my wive. I still remember with affection the first time I laid eyes on her some 21 year ago. I do think I am staying out of love. I am just having a hard time reconciling my feelings. I hope in time that it will be better... all the therapists (the one we saw together, and the one I am seeing) say that it is very possible to stay together and even have a stronger marriage... I hold hope....

I think part of my insecurity lies frankly in my lack of experience with other women... my wife has said that she wish she could give me that perspective that she had gained from the affair..... She said that sex is just sex.. That it was no different with him as it is with me... My response to that I said is that I feel sorry for you then... It drive me nuts that she can make that statement.

I don't have any ideal that every time we have sex that it is some groundswelling emotional experience.... but at its core it is making love.. at least for me....

In fact I think she was surprised at herself.... she thought that she could just have a purely sexual experience and not have it impact her emotionally... but after their second night together she became attached to him and did keep in touch...

I'm sorry the only thing she shared was an STD. I'm sorry if that hurts you. Just do what your heart tells you to do.:)

Thank you all again for all of your thoughts and posts. They really do help.


My thoughts in that case... :)

I feel you are displaying or have displayed a lot of compassion even being in this difficult situation. I find it remarkable. You have not forgotten last 21 years even when anyone in your situation would totally let their mind succumb to rage. The comapssion you have displayed indicates you have the courage and strength to deal with this in the long run.

However, your wife doesn't know the extent of what you have gone through, I am pretty sure. It is hard to know anything as much as the "Experience" of it makes you know it. Is it unfair? Yes. But it will remain like that and you might have to accept it. Because she will never know what she did fully until unless you become "her" /act like her/ or leave her / and vice versa. So don't base your hopes of reconciling your feelings on her behaviour I would say. It has to come from you. That strength is within you.

It's up to you. Good luck

This situation is not black and white and I find that a lot of the posts in this thread suggest that it is. I hope you take the advice given on here lightly. I personally think that considering all the information you have shared, you can overcome this, and I've given you my advice on where to start in an earlier post.

She does not seem like a mean spirited woman, she seems like a woman who made a mistake and may have handled it poorly at times, but her intentions in my opinion are not terrible. Her honestly may have hurt you but I actually read somewhere that in situations like these, brutal honestly is less hurtful than witholding information. And sometimes, from what you post, I get the impression that she tries to make you feel better but goes about it in a way that backfires and you feel more hurt.

I agree with people who say that she may do it again. But no one can predict the future. Hell, no one can guarantee that you won't be in her shoes one day...

Infidelity is wrong. But no one is perfect. We're human. We make mistakes. All of us.

This situation is not black and white and I find that a lot of the posts in this thread suggest that it is. I hope you take the advice given on here lightly. I personally think that considering all the information you have shared, you can overcome this, and I've given you my advice on where to start in an earlier post.

She does not seem like a mean spirited woman, she seems like a woman who made a mistake and may have handled it poorly at times, but her intentions in my opinion are not terrible. Her honestly may have hurt you but I actually read somewhere that in situations like these, brutal honestly is less hurtful than witholding information. And sometimes, from what you post, I get the impression that she tries to make you feel better but goes about it in a way that backfires and you feel more hurt.

I agree with people who say that she may do it again. But no one can predict the future. Hell, no one can guarantee that you won't be in her shoes one day...

Infidelity is wrong. But no one is perfect. We're human. We make mistakes. All of us.



It was more than infidelity!! She gave him an STD! Told him how great sex was with the other guy! Gonenuts it's your decision
But please take all this into consideration.

Read all the recent threads, again, I think your going to stay with her and it will be horriblw for you because like you said anything and everything will trigger this feeling inside you. Passing a church and seeing a marriage? I really feel for you. If you are planning to salvage this "marriage" maybe what you and your wife need to do is go away together, no kids, just you and her, see if you can be intimate with her, see if you really can make it a strong marriage again, but don't pro-long this, your kids are feeling that something is going on. Do I think you should be with her? HELL NO but, don't just stay with her for the sake of your kids, you have to find your pride and dignity again, your not making yourself happy and that is what is most important. And the happiness of your kids. Your wife deffinatly made herself happy and now she has the memories to look back on. NOT YOU.

I hope you get what you want gonenuts. It's hard to just stop loving someone. Trust is gone and you'll never get those pictures out of your mind
I really wish I had a magic wand that could take your pain and hurting away.
I truly pray there is someway you can get over this hurt.

I believe there is nothing as agonizing as being betrayed by the person who has been your whole world. If there is any possibility at all that you can trust her again and she can prove you can trust her.. try. Seek counseling from a minister or a good Christian counselor... I hope things work out. God Bless

Sonomama: She is not still in touch with the man she cheated with.
Carrottalker: I am not missing any information, I simply have a different opinion than you.

I did not give out facts that were wrong, I simply stated a different opinion.

And here's another one... I find that a lot of the drastic comments in this thread are from people who were cheated on and are taking the poster's situation personally. This makes for very subjective advice. I hope the poster takes this into account when considering the advice given on here.

Sonomama: She is not still in touch with the man she cheated with.
Carrottalker: I am not missing any information, I simply have a different opinion than you.

I did not give out facts that were wrong, I simply stated a different opinion.

And here's another one...I find that a lot of the drastic comments in this thread are from people who were cheated on and are taking the poster's situation personally. This makes for very subjective advice. I hope the poster takes this into account when considering the advice given on here.




Girl WStory... That's what this forum is all about! I know you've heard the expression, "experience is the best teacher", well a lot of people here may have been cheated on or abused and vice-versa. I don't know that. I do know it's better to hear advice from someone who has been in the situation some of these people have been in.

Do you think if someone posted something about raising dogs or breeding dogs I would answer that question? Of course I wouldn't, I know nothing about that. How about someone wanting to know something about how to start a business or how to find someone or what rights they have in this or that, I'm not going to answer that because I'm no business expert or lawyer or investigator. There are the best in the world right here on this line.

They give advice on other post when they feel they have something that helps the op or someone is way out of line in what they post. Do not tell anyone they don't have a right to answer an op because they have been there and are speaking from their experience.. you don't know what you're talking about dear and that is not a put down. Have you ever been
cheated on? Have you ever been abused. Have you ever contracted an std from your husband or boyfriend? Please think about this.. Blessing

All, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html

Differences of opinion happen, there isn't a hard and fast answer to this issue.

I have been through this, exactly the same... 2 night stand and got an std, not a serious one thank the lord. He was extremley repented. I can tell you, you are ruining your marriage. It's been 2 years! If you haven't left her its because you love her and are willing to forgive her. This will never happen if you keep dwelling on the details. You need to forget your past. Things will NEVER be the same before the 2 night stand. (notice I didn't say affair, affairs are when the spouse actually has a long term relationship with the other person). YOu must create a NEW future a NEW and BETTER marriage with her. It took me a while to realise this. I kept saying, I want to be like before I want to be happy like before. Its impossible to be like before, so why not be better. Be a better husband, be spontaneous, be loving. Your being miserable and your making your wife miserable. She will probably get tired one day and actually leave. Maybe even move on to be with someone else. IF that happens it will be too late to change. No one likes to be with a miserable person. This is what was happening to me. He was getting tired of me being happy one moment and sad an angry the next. The time I realized I needed to change NOW was when he said he was thinking about divorcing me since I wasn't happy anymore. Please, find yourself and stop thinking of the past. It's the Past. Move on, be happy, and be grateful. It could've been so much worse.

Your not alone . We went through this in 2006 . My wife went to a businness conference and met a guy there she liked and slept with him 2 nights in a row. We had 3 children at the time. Well the long and short of it is we stayed together with Christian marriage counciling. Had 2 more children since. She was my high school sweetheart as well. We have a bitter\sweet relationship. I know she loves me and wants to stay married but she also wants to have flings on the side. We are considering an open marriage. I am having a hard time with this. I know if I divorse her Im hung with supporting her for the next 17 years as our youngest is 1. I do love her , not sure I could let another man hump her . I still have nightmares from 4 years ago. There is no easy anwer. All I know is adultry is an aweful , aweful sin and has BITTER, BITTER consequenses for all involved. Even if you have an open marriage , I don't see any good coming out of this. 1 or 2 nights of FUN can cause a life time of MISSSERY!! Every situation is different. Our sex life is for sure spiced up though.