Entire story merged

Do you think it's possible to determine if you have that special spark with someone after only going out with them one time? I don't think there is. I think you have to go out more than once to decide that. You can't decide if you want to spend forever with someone after only one date. Especially if you go into the date closed off and not even trying like he did. Please help!

Actually, you can somehow tell if there's a chemistry between you and the other part after one date, but deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone after only one date is probably very rare.

The intensity of the spark is highly subjective and not necessarily the most important aspect.

The important part is that you're both interested enough to go on a second date. If one person looses interest, there won't be a second date to talk about, so the intensity of sparks would be mute.

Usually there is some type of "spark" already there before the first date. It's usually a little spark that makes a guy want to ask a girl out.

If you've only gone on one date and he has appeared to not be interested, I would imagine that he just didn't feel an attraction toward you.

I'd move on and date someone else who is interested.

Here's the deal. We had been talking for over a month on the internet and cell phone before the first date even happened. We had so much in common. We already had that spark and attraction that was needed before we even met in person. He had already called me his girlfriend and was planning on me moving in. When we met, we were having a great time. We went to a movie and out to eat. All was going great. We both were very physically attracted to each other. We spent a lot of time together and even spent the night together. Everything was great until his ex started to text him. She kept texting him, wanting to know if he was still with me, if he was going to stay all night. Stuff like that. She dumped him, but yet was trying to ruin any relationship he might have. Anyway, things progressed. We ended up sleeping together several times during the night. Well, the next morning, he says that he just has friend feelings for me. And he wanted to remain friends. Well, I agreed to that. A few months later, we decided to get together again for a weekend trip. We were just "friends with benefits". We decided on a "no strings attached" relationship. We went out to eat, went sight seeing, and even had sex several times again. He told me he was extremely physicallt attracted to me and even initiated contact with me. We had a great time again. What I don't get is, friends don't make out and have sex and shower together and stuff like that. I can understand having sex with someone that you have no chemistry, spark, connection with. That happens all the time between people. But in order to have the other stuff, making out and he gets jealous when I talk to other guys and says stuff like why am I talking to another guy and he doesn't know if he should like that or not. You have to have more than a friend connection there. I'm just wondering what is wrong with me? Is it because his ex hurt him so bad and he doesn't trust girls anymore? Am I just not good enough? What is the deal?

Red flags

1) Friends with benefits = Him wanting sex with no strings attached

2) He's on the rebound = still in contact with ex = can't move on from the past yet

3) Being jealous, even though he's not in a serious relationship with you = signs of being a possessive boyfriend

4) Does not want a serious relationship = doesn't take you seriously = Friends with benefits

Conclusion? Full circle, he only wants friends with benefits.

Good things

Unfortunately, I don't see any.

What should you do?

If you want something more serious with him, then quit having sex with him and let him know how you feel. You back away and the ball would be on his side of the court. If you're not on the same page, then this relationship is doom to fail anyway.

The problem is I know we have a lot in common. We have so much in common that it's scary. When we had been talking only a few days, it seemed like we had known each other forever. We are really good friends now. He knows all of my past pains with my ex husband. I have told him things I have never told anybody else about what happened with him. He has always been there to listen and help. After the first time we got together and we had sex and then he told me he just wanted to be friends, I was heartbroken. It took me forever to get over it. I cried for days because I was so hurt. We had so many plans, and then I felt so used. Well, then we got together again. I spent a lot of money on the trip. He said he didn't have any money because he had all these bills. Well, I didn't mind spending the money because I thought we were friends and that's what friends do. They help each other out. Anyway, when we got back, he went back home, as did I. We live over 2 hours apart. Anyway, he started acting weird again. He started distancing himself again. I would text him, he wouldn't text back. He even blocked my number and deleted my e-mails. What was up with that? Do you think he is afraid he is getting too attached to me and he is scared of that? He has since unblocked me, but I am so angry that he did that to me in the first place. I have been so nice and giving to him. I have given him money to help him and everything. What am I doing wrong?

I'm just wondering if he was using me, which he says he wasn't, and I want to believe him because I really do trust him. Or if he really does like me as more than a friend and he is just pulling away because of a fear of commitment because his ex hurt him so bad. They were together for several years and it hasn't been that long since she dumped him because she was cheating on him. He always says stuff like he can't trust women because of what she did. I don't know. My ex hurt me badly in some very unimaginable ways, but I have learned to trust and love again. I think he has just closed himself off to feeling anything good out of fear.

Threads merged

I have a friend who is talking to another girl now. The other girl and I have become friends. I became friends with her before I knew she was talking to my guy friend. Anyway, the guy friend and I went out before and then decided to just be friends later. Well, we had sex on the first date. He asked me today to tell her that it was all my idea to have sex on the first date so that she wouldn't not like him anymore. I don't think I should lie to her because it wasn't all my idea. He wanted to have sex on the first date too. She is my friend and I don't want to lie to her, but I don't want to make him mad either. What should I do?

Oh please. You know he's using you, you just can't say the words.

You were talking about moving in together before you even met, red flag number 1, you had sex before you'd even got to know each other, red flag number 2, he's on the rebound, red flag number 3, you both have issues with your exes, red flag number 4, he continued to have sex with you but calls you his friend, red flag number 5.

Yea, you may have heaps in common - but that doesn't necessarily make for a good relationship. He wanted a friend with benefits and it makes it better if you have lots in common. You gave him everything on the first date, now he's getting cold feet.

I suggest you stop trying to analyze his motives and look to your own behavior - you gave him too much too soon. Good relationships usually take time and you can't 'buy' them by giving out sex, trust or money.

It's a lesson isn't it? Be careful to whom you give your trust, your body and your money - if your treat yourself with care and respect then others will too.

Start by telling the truth?

I've read your other thread and he's a jerk and you know it!

So, are you saying I should tell her the truth? That I should tell her that it was both our idea to have sex on the first date? She is a really nice girl and I don't want her to get hurt like I did, but I don't want it to look like I am trying to come between them. But she is like 12 years younger than him and still a virgin. I'd feel bad if I didn't tell her the truth. I am so lost on what to do.

I texted him and told him I wasn't going to lie to her because he knows I hate lying to people. And he tries to make me feel all bad saying that he won't have a chance now because she will judge him by what I tell her. Well, I won't lie to her. It's not cool in my opinion.

So, I met up with her last night for dinner. I told her everything. I told her that he and I had sex several times on more than one occasion. I told her it was a mutual decision. Anyway, she seemed pretty taken back. She got really quiet when I told her we had sex on the first date. I'm thinking she is rethinking going on a date with him now. What should I tell him? Any help?