I have appreciated everyone's input to my situation in the few threads that I have started. Thank you for any additional info you have on this latest situation.

For almost 3 years, my girlfriend and I have never had any issues that we confronted and everything seemed to be going well (I know this is not good). Anyway we both graduated college earlier this year and now she is in law school and I am starting my career.

Two weeks ago she said we needed to take time apart... which basically sounded like a breakup to me. Since then I have not had any contact with her and have done everything I can to improve myself. I understand myself and our relationship a lot better and see things that were lacking that could easily be done better on my part. She is about to start final exams and I thought we wouldn't be speaking at all until after she was done with those.

I recently received a message from her being casual and asking things like:
"how's it going?"
"I hope you are doing alright"
"I'd like to meet up so we can talk soon"
"had a lot of time to think about things since we've been apart"

From my perspective, this might be some sort of setup for her to close our relationship. My problem is that she doesn't know anything about how I have changed in the mean time. I know most people here will say to just accept it and move on. This girl means the world to me and I don't think our first major DOUBT in our relationship should be the end. People can lose that "flame" but an eye-opening experience like this also can be a saving factor if the two are willing to work at it.

Keep in mind I really want to stay with this girl. Please give me advice other than "move on" as to ways to approach this. Thanks so much for your help.

Okay, approach other then move on. Your heart is still in love with her. She has responded to you with questions on how you are doing. Well if you defiantly want to see what might happen. No guarantee on results. She is the one that wants to meet up with you and talk to you. Communication is key and if you really want to give this another chanch it is up to you. This is your decision. So why not meet up with her. I think since she is the one that wants to meet up with you. I do believe that you should approach it with a listening ear at first. See what she has to say. Go from there. Being able to listen and also respond is also important, but let her start first.

Joe

Oh Mee Dee,

I could be so wrong, but I am so HAPPY for you. I am not telling you this because you asked us to not tell you to move on. I am telling you this because it is my honest and genuine feelings for this latest news.

Look, she may really have needed space to think things over. I am familiar with your previous post.

I am not sure what the others will advise, they are so much wiser than me, but I am trying to learn from them:)

If you don't reach back to her, how will you ever know. You just don't go back to her though, on hands and knees, but you also don't put on any false airs.

I am typing so fast, because I am happy for you. I did not think your situation was as severe as some others, meaning a lost cause.

If and when you do contact her, you do of course be yourself, but of course, a little on guard, since she is the one who requested space, then she should be the one to communicate to you, what she has discovered during this break. Anotherwords, let her do most of the talking. You be sure to listen and take it in. Listen with your heart and head. Make no quick fast rash moves one way or another.

As far as you thinking she may be wanting to finalize the relationship, I really don't think so, she still may need just to talk things over with you.

I truly am happy for you. I just feel this is a good thing. Does it mean bells and whistles will go off and the relationship will get right back on track... no... it means the lines of communication are about to open up again... just take it SLOW!

My Best to you!!

I don't want to play the devils advocate here and I do hope I'm wrong, but meedee please don't go getting your hopes up here thinking that this means she wants you back.

It is indeed a possibility, but no more than the possibility that she is sick of leading you on that there may be something when she very well knows there isn't.

The possibility that these are her thoughts are no more, or less than the possibility that she wants something again.

Now, you obviously love her. You have made that quite clear.

So if I were you I would meet her. And I'm not one for games, but in saying that, just because she has said jump does not mean you have to jump.

She asked for some space, you respected her and gave it to her. Now is time for to show respect to you in return and meet you and talk when you are ready.

And I know you probably can't wait to go and see what she has to say. I understand that, and as I said I'm not one for games. But, just because she has called doesn't mean you go running like a little puppy dog in my opinion.

If you are doing things and have been keeping busy then it is OK to say 'look, next week isn't so good, I'm very busy can it wait'.

Your worried so much about her seeing you are changed. Well you won't fool her for long if you haven't indeed changed. What I'm getting at is that you were probably needy and suffocating to her before. You at least gave that indication. Do you think that running to her just because she wants you to might indicate that you are still that person?

And I don't mean indicate to her, I mean indicate to yourself. Because you have to be honest with yourself when assessing whether you have really changed. You know the truth, but if you are lying to yourself it won't be long before others see through it too!

Just some things to think about.

I do hope it works out for you. I really do, we see too many people who think they are just on 'breaks' but are in fact already broken up!

Please keep us informed. Im sure we would all like to know what happens and also offer what we can to hopefully help in getting you the person you love!

I agree with a lot that Allheart says too.

When / If you meet her it is important to LISTEN to her. I mean really listen. She is obviously going to say some things to you about how you went wrong, what you could have done better.

So don't go getting all bristly on her. Listen, take it in and ask yourself honestly if you think she has a point.

Alternatively when it is your turn to talk, you are allowed to be honest and up front with her. Because unless there is clear communication on how / why / what went wrong last time then it will be impossible for the two of you to reach conclusions on how to make it better this time. And if it isn't going to be better this time then you have to ask yourself is it worth the while to put yourself through this all over again to get the same results!

From my perspective, this might be some sort of setup for her to close our relationship. My problem is that she doesn't know anything about how I have changed in the mean time. I know most people here will say to just accept it and move on.
I have a little different take on this than perhaps some. The first thing I would like to politely suggest is you don't know what is a setup for what here. If you continue to think in those kinds of terms, all that changing you did won't amount to a hill of beans. Please please take this one thing at a time and try not to read too much into anything, okay? Add this to your changes list: lose feeling set up or thinking in those terms-- this is not a spy game.

Secondly, about those changes... if you made them and you have any contact with her at all, it will be apparent if even on a very subtle level. And it will have its effects. If you don't trust that and instead resort to some phoney fake deal here, she will read that instead, if she is the slightest bit intuitive and all I can say is now its really down the tubes. You don't need to tell her about changes, show her! So the bottom line is follow her lead for a bit here since she asked for the break. Respond in kind to what she does-- if she is casual and light, you keep it casual and light but real, not phoney and let this go where it goes. It may be nowhere and it may be somewhere. Sounds like she wants to meeting and talk about the relationship, so go and talk about the relationship as adult-like as you can muster.

IF and ONLY IF she says its over, deal with it then and not a moment sooner, big mistake that! Don't get ahead of yourself or her, slow down.

You all make good points. I can't go in there with any real expectations or presumptions of what will happen. All I can do is be myself and be that attentive listener to hear out every one of her concerns. At that point, I should express what this time apart has done for me. I can't put it all in to words, but I can express to her as best I can that I want to "show" her what this has all done to me. For instance, you have to do all the little things in a relationship that make it special... and live each day for that day, because tomorrow is never guaranteed.

p.s. - Allheart, you are a genuine sweetheart, and hearing your words of encouragement might just enable me to sleep a little tonight for the first time in a while :)

Hi Mee Dee,

So kind of you, your words. Thank you.

I do have a tendency to "strike up the band' :). But also keep in mind the incredible words of wisdom of sound advice given here. Are they good or what? :)

MeeDee, you are on the right track. Be yourself, no negative thoughts going in, open mind, Listen, listen and listen. And yes, when you feel the time is right express what this break has done to you, hopefully, she will ask that of you herself. I would express the hurt to her, but not to where it comes off that you appear weak or desperate. The words, "It hurt me deeply" should suffice.

We all have areas about us that we can work on, and life gives us, whether we welcome them or not, opportunites to grow as a person, but MeeDee, be careful in trying to "change who you are". What I mean by that is, don't try and force change upon yourself that you think will please your girlfriend, or try and prove to her that you changed.
She saw something very special and valuable and precious about you, you want to be sure to keep that part of you alive. That is why it is so important for you to listen to her perspective on things. She may just be working through some issues she has internally and now has the courage to share them with you.

We all are hoping for the best and are here for you... always :)



Allheart

Hey
I don't know why you re thinking nigativlly,
Maybe she is just want to talk to you about your relationship
Why you feel like it's the end.. maybe its not, and as many told you before communication is the key
Talk to her and hear her as well.. tell her that you miss her and all about what you have did in your life since she is gone..
Maybe she have been thinking of you and how good u 2 where...
U can just thinking by yourself... dont be sad..
Because seems that you really in love with her...
Hope everything gose well
Keep in touch
:)

Glad you posted with the latest developments. I think you did the right thing by not contacting her, and now that she wants to talk to you, you must go. Don't go with any preconcieved notions that she is coming back, but listen to what she has to say. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Whatever she says take it with the dignity and respect you hold for yourself and as I said listen. 9 times out of 10 when a break occurs it becomes permanent. As you can imagine her being in law school takes a lot of time and energy and typically that's when people want to be free to explore their new world, without the baggage of having someone at home. It comes with growing up and changing. Good Luck, whatever happens.

I returned your private message on this. I know your situation.

This is more for the public - believe me I KNOW what I am talking about - no sugar coatings here:

Avoid this 'talk' at all cost. Disappear for a while - KEEP UP THE NO CONTACT!! For the love of god!!

Did any of those messages have any love in them? no.

Don't return her calls... if she asks why one day - tel lher you were giving her the space she asked for.

For the love of god - don't respond!! You'l lalso gain power back.

IF you want any hope to getting her back... she needs to miss you!!

This is a marathon, not a sprint - a couple months won't effect long term.

You want to be a 'nice guy' and 'talk' with her - where everything is on her terms... go ahead.

Trust me 1000% - you will not like the out come of this 'talk'. Women only say 'we need to talk' for one thing.

Disappear for a long while.

The more I think about it... I think Wildcat is right here. Unfortunately I already emailed her and said I could maybe make it this week. Then she emailed me back asking for a good time. I haven't answered this yet.

I almost want to go back to No Contact and just cancel on her and say that something else came up (because actually I have something I'd rather be at anyway), I'll have to do it another time. This shows her that she's not my world and doesn't have total control over me. Because honestly, I am trying to better myself here and not give in to her. It will show me taking a stand by canceling and ignoring her, right? The more I look at it, by going to meet her after she thought it over for only this long can't be good and she will probably want to take this opportunity to drop me.

I just want to stay as strong as I can. And I feel that by facing her after only 2 weeks apart will just immediately break the progress I've attained. Do you see why I might want to cancel this? I messed up but I want to do what is right for me right now.

Please give advice, I am really confused right now.

Oh MD, I don't know what to say. I do trust Wildcat and it seems he really has a feel of this situtation. I am torn, right with you.

All I will tell you MD, is that, and this is the truth, whatever you decide I still will have the band members ready :). Meaning I support you either way. I am sure the others do as well. No doubts there.

How about this. Ask yourself, how will you feel if you go. How will you feel inside? Then after great thought, ask yourself how will you feel if you don't go.

How will you feel about yourself, inside, with the choice you make.

Right now, I am not thinking how your choice will effect her. My concern is how your choice will make you feel.

Make the best choice for YOU... not her... not us... but for you.

Either way, we are here, with no judgements. And hey, there really isn't any bad choice as long as you are comfortable with it. Not how it will effect her, which is hard because of your feelings for her.

Take about 10 to 20 minutes, or however long it may take, and think ONLY of how the choice will effect you and how you feel inside.

In the meantime, I will take some quiet time and pray that whatever choice you make, you come out the other end happy. That is all we want here.


Oh why is life so hard... :) guess it be darn boring otherwise.

My best

You are back and forth. Make up your mind and stick with it. Communication is important. You want to go and see what she has to say. It is not like your chasing after her, it is not like you're the one calling her. She decided to get intouch with you. I say go for it. Meet with her and see how it goes.

Joe

Only he knows best - I saw the full e-mail and there was no love in it.

All women know when they say 'we have to talk' - what does that mean?

He knows this woman best - I am only going on what he has told me and how he has reacted each time.

I also think this good because - she may see a change in him - important.

I certainly will never go to one of those 'talk' sessions ever again. ONLY on my terms - not hers. No way.

She going to wonder what's up with him - why he won't meet etc.

One key question - is she always that cold in an e-maiL? Only you know what she's up to... MY huge gut feeling is not good - what is yours?

What email? Maybe it should be shown to all?

I'd rather not post any of her emails... b/c I have deep down fears that anything can be found on the internet. I would feel embarrassed if she ran search terms on her own email words and came across them in a forum haha. Again, just my basic insecurity about the internet.

She sounded a little light-hearted and joking in her second email. I see it as her trying to make me comfortable and not worried about the "talk" and looking to keep me as a friend by forever being nice to me from here on out. But any way I look at it... I need to change for ME as much as for her.

By taking a stand and also doing more for myself in the meantime... well I figure it can't hurt. What do I have to lose for finally taking a stand for the first time in our relationship and cancelling on her? It's time I become a stronger person... with or without her.

Wildcat... actually when we say "we have to talk"... we ACTUALLY mean... I will talk, you will listen and agree with everything I say. Hope that clarifies it for you... just kiddn, sort of :)

Anyway, oh boy. I think it was a wise decision NOT to post her email. That's just me. Shows respect for her words. Confiding in someone your trust, like Wildcat, is very understandable.

Perhaps it is good to put her off a day or two or even a week or however long you feel. You did say you have something else that you would rather do, so may be a good idea to stick to your original plan, prior to receiving her email, and do the other thing, and perhaps postpone the chat till you are ready.

The bottom line here is... do what you feel is best for you. Which choice will cause you the least regret down the road.

I will be most happy with the choice you make for yourself. A couple more days under your belt, may help you to have even greater insight into your situation.

He gave the jist of it here. It was enough.

(ALlheart)"I will talk, you will listen and agree with everything I say. Hope that clarifies it for you...just kiddn, sorta" - Yes, I know... I was kind of tongue in check - been there done that too many times.

I do agree with that Wild... no need to reveal the whole e-mail.

I could never live with myself if I posted someone else's email. Good call.

Meedee,

In my post I said to you I think it is OK to say no to her if you have somewhere else to be.

You said you have something else on. Well don't change your plans now simply because she is all of a sudden ready to summons you for her talk.

I too seen that email and there wasn't any suggestion that this is for positive or negative reasons. So you can't assume anything! You never should anyway!

As cat said you know her best, but I also go along with the fact that she asked for space. You respected it. Well she has to show enough respect for you if you aren't quite ready. It sint about who's terms it should be on. It is about respect for each others wishes and time!

If you have something else on then I wouldn't cancel just to meet her.

Its not about the way she will think. It is about continuing to make yourself the No. 1 priority. Heck, that's what she ahs done for the past weeks, so your entitled to as well!

Cancel the meetign with her, say you had something planned prior that slipped your mind and that when you get some spare time you will let her know or she can contact you again when her finals are over and she has time.

By the sounds of your tooing and froing you aren't ready. Your mind isn't yet stable enough in my opinion to cope with what she may or may not say.

You aren't clear in your mind what you want so you won't be bale to clealry express it to her and I dare say rather than progress being made, you may go backwards.

Until you are ready and clear in your own mind then I wouldn't meet her. It is OK to tell her you need more time to think!

Because I think that's what you need from what you have said here and privately!

If you apply contact when I ask for no contact and you agreed to it, I will think, wow what a needy knucklehead.

If you apply no contact when I ask if we can talk and you say sure, I will think what a friggin' cheeseball and that, dudes, I will serve with melba toast rounds at my next party because I am a phenomenal woman. I mean, good grief, if you've agreed to talk then TALK for crying out loud. Otherwise you shouldn't have agreed to it, knucklehead!

Mean what you say, say what you mean and make your actions reflect that -- that is the mark of a REAL MAN. REAL WOMAN too, by the way.

If you want to play games trying to make her miss you, plan on missing her A LOT. Women are not little girls anymore, in case anyone hasn't noticed. Sheesh!

Okay rant over. Grrrrrrr LOL

If you apply contact when I ask for no contact and you agreed to it, I will think, wow what a needy knucklehead.

If you apply no contact when I ask if we can talk and you say sure, I will think what a friggin' cheeseball and that, dudes, I will serve with melba toast rounds at my next party because I am a phenomenal woman. I mean, good grief, if you've agreed to talk then TALK for crying out loud. Otherwise you shouldn't have agreed to it, knucklehead!!

Mean what you say, say what you mean and make your actions reflect that -- that is the mark of a REAL MAN. REAL WOMAN too, by the way.

If you want to play games trying to make her miss you, plan on missing her A LOT. Women are not little girls anymore, in case anyone hasn't noticed. Sheesh!

Okay rant over. Grrrrrrr LOL


Val I agree with what you say.
I generally always do.

The only point I was trying to make was that should he be not ready to talk, just the same as she was not ready to talk before, then why should he run to her because she simply is ready?

I know from talking with meedee that he is confused still.

She dropped the bombshell on him that she wanted space! That is a lot for anyone to take in. Just because she is now ready to 'talk' does it mean he has to be.

I know if my ex come to me today and said I need to see you to talk about something's. Something that I wanted (please not past tense here) for a long time, I would say no to her. Because right now I am not ready.

Isn't he just as entitled as her to wait until he is ready? Particularly if like he said he had already something planned.

I agree that is what adults do, they talk, but adults also make decision for themselves based on what they want and when they are ready (just like she did) and not when others simply tell them to.

Just my thoughts on this one.

He should talk if he wants, but if he doesn't want then that is equally as fine in my book!

I guess its all in the actual intention Skell. But everyone should be mindful that relationships only work if there is talking... so on that basis, if you want a relationship there better be some talking, at some point. I think if you have someone "on the line" and you need to stall for a bit, its best to dictate for how long too. Mature people do that all the time and immature people and gamers expect a "blank check".

Now if you want to play power games about who's going to give in first and agree to talk, or any other varieties of that, then neeeeeeeeeeeevermind, there isn't helping a person like that with any relationship because the only ones they'll attract are players and that means there will be endless powergames and soap operas.

But all this is moot, isn't it... because he already suggested "next week" ? So it's a done deal. Or the ball is in her court.

No way is he playing games.

He would be the biggest sucker at this point to go to a meeting she arranged. (I know)

There is no love - there are no 'I miss you'. He's going to get - 'lets be friends'.

Sorry - he's screwed up in the past and making up for it now. He's getting his power back.

He's leaving her alone.

He's been way too agreeable in the past with this women.

He's also avoiding MASSIVE heartache.

THERE IS NO SUGAR COATING HERE - GOING TO TALK WITH HER NOW WILL NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING FOR HIM - I PROTECT MY GUYS. He needed to know what was REALLY going on.

And I know law school students - they want to be free. SHE SOUNDS KIND OF COLD AND HEARTLESS RIGHT NOW.

And NO - not next week - maybe a month or two - hopefull ymore.

I don't MeeDee to be in a position to beg - or a positino he isn't ready for.

AND if she doesn't want to break - he'll find out anyway...

Women TEST all the time - he's testing her.

Oh Wild no... Women don't test... at least the ones I know. Honest. Please trust me on that. Wild, there is such a danger in generalizing. If I thought all guys were like the hurts of my past, I would be a very lonely young lady today, so afraid to trust and love again. But I look at all individuals as just that individuals. It helped me to be free to be open to love and be loved again.

Okay... here's what we all agree on... we want the best for MeeDee, that is an absolute fact.

So MeeDee, I guess now it's up to you. I would take all of this heartfelt advice and well meaning guidance, sort it all out, take a step back and get some quiet time for yourself.
Listen to your heart and head. The answer that is good for you will come.

We all want what is best.

I agree allheart,

There is a danger in generalizing things.. I tend to take everyone's advice, lay it out in my mind like a jigsaw puzzle, and the advice that best fits the puzzle (when looking at thing rationally and realistically) is the advice that I retain the most.

I eve n go back to my threads sometimes and re-read them to reinforce what I was previously told... Helps me a lot.

I have to say genuinely that most of the advice I have ever been given has been very good and helpful!

So when he is all powerful, she's the one who should do the begging? That's the same problem only reversed directions!

What happened to sharing the power?

See in my mind, its really simple... who ever wants a relationship should take some action to that end. Period.

There is a huuuuuuuuuuuge difference between wanting a relationshp and being a weenie - for either gender. And being a weenie is not good -- again, for either gender!

As far as I am concerned, unless you arrange for a separation with some concrete terms in it, it isn't a relationship the very second the "no contact" rule is in force. At that point gang, its over. Done. Fini. Kapoot! Ain't getting anybody back. WC makes it sound like it remains in stasis, like some kind of non-relationship limbo giving a kind of false hope that it isn't really ended. What thread here that I missed demonstrated that?

Look, much like the conversation that was posted earlier, here's the script:
She said she wants to talk. If its over and that's the talk... then its over.
But if its not over and you don't talk... then its over.
Ergo, if you want to find the one chance of it not being over, you go talk like an adult when you are invited to.

But I guarantee you, it is impossible to keep the relationship hope alive by avoiding what you FEAR is the "over" talk or declining to talk or stalling too long to talk. Running like that will mark you a coward and no woman will deal very long with that. Any chance for that remote, mysterious stranger effect left on the last bus as soon as sex occurred LOL trust me. Responsible people are available to talk when needed last I checked, but by all means, blow off her request to talk and let's see what comes of that.

I mean I would REALLY like to hear what WC or any other fan of "no contact as a means of getting her back" thinks is going on with her while she is waiting with the no contact occurring wondering why he won't talk to her when she made it clear to him she would like to talk, hmmmm??

Agreed Val,

But is he showing signs of knowing what he wants?

Would he be not better to know what he wants and then go get it?

Where was she acting like an adult in the first place? If her asking for space to think is acting like an adult then his must be considered too if done with the RIGHT intentions.

Im not suggesting that he do it for power reasons.

I have always said he has a right though to do it on his terms just as much as she does. No?

Who knows if it is the over talk?
It might be the start over talk.
But meedee might not be ready for that either.

I don't see it as running. I see it as being at a point when you are ready. After all we preach to people to look after themselves and make themselves a priority when going through a break!

But I see your point Val that he already arranged a meeting. However, he expressed a form of regret at it because he had something else on and his confusion as to what HE wants. It is a two way street. She was confused, which ultimately has caused confusion for him.

I see her act in the first place as cowardly. I hate this break stuff. It is a lie. Break means over. And if doesn't then stand and fight for it! She ran like a coward and left him hanging. And this by no means is payback. I hope I'm making my point there. I just hate people taking this soft option of needing time and space to think away form someone they supposedly love.

What a load of BS!!

So I suppose I am contradicting myself by telling him to take time if he wishes, but heck, the damage has been done by her actions in the first place. I just want what is best for both of them and if Meedee isn't comfortable with meeting her right now then so be it!

MeeDee if you are out there... and care to share... sure would love to know your thoughts on all of this. If you wish to just soak it in... by all means take the time and please do so.

One truly great thing... look at how much everyone cares... that is a great thing.

I will add only one more thing to this topic. Stomp Stomp LOL

A very wise person once said to me: Honey, if you don't know where the brakes are, you have no business getting on the toboggan!
In order words, if you do not that the guts to handle a conversation about how the relationship is over, then you essentially don't have what it takes to be in a relationship in the first place and that needs to be corrected. It goes for the gals and well as the guys.

And if you aren't going to meet her, tell her that. You owe her that for the fact that you said you would, MeeDee.
Unfortunately I already emailed her and said I could maybe make it this week. Then she emailed me back asking for a good time. I haven't answered this yet. Unless of course you like handing out the long slow figuring-it-out pain she'll go through wondering until she realises you aren't meeting her, hell you aren't even texting her back! A quality woman scorned like that does not give second chances. Oh but wait, doormats and gamers do! Plenty of those still available. LOL

I am not a fan of no contact being used as a tool for getting her back.
Inf act in all my posts on every thread about it I make it clear that it shouldn't be used like that.

I emphasise it in fact because it simply isn't right.

I hope it didn't come across her like that.. Im sure it didn't!

Im just trying to make it about Meedee and his feeling as much as his ex's (because that is what she is right now IMO) and what she wants.

If she was hear asking us how to approach a person she had been with and asked for space from what would we tell her?

That if he has respected her wishes and left her alone then she must also consider him and his reaction to what she has asked for.

We would tell her that after dropping such a bombshell on him she shouldn't expect immediate response from him. He may indeed be hurting and trying to overcome his feelings?

I know that is what I would say to her.

And I know he already said yes to a meeting, and that is the point you are making Val! You are right, but I just got the impression that he indeed is confused and trying to overcome a lot of emotions and it may not be the bets time for him right now! I see no harm in that!

Some say by him not being ready he is running, OK fair enough. And it gets to a point where the running (from both parties because she is guilty as much as anyone) has to stop.

But I don't see this as running in this instance!

Not by him at least... just yet!!

I will add only one more thing to this topic. Stomp Stomp LOL

A very wise person once said to me: Honey, if you don't know where the brakes are, you have no business getting on the toboggan!

In order words, if you do not that the guts to handle a conversation about how the relationship is over, then you essentially don't have what it takes to be in a relationship in the first place and that needs to be corrected. It goes for the gals and well as the guys.

That person is indeed wise because that is so true.

It goes back to what I said about this break BS. It is a gutless way of trying to get out of it!

She took that gutless option! I don't see him not being ready right now though as gutless. Not yet anyway.

And if you aren't going to meet her, tell her that. You owe her that for the fact that you said you would, MeeDee. Unless of course you like handing out the long slow figuring-it-out pain she'll go through wondering until she realises you aren't meeting her. A quality woman scorned like that does not give second chances. Oh but wait, doormats and gamers do! Plenty of those still available. LOL

Oh yes, I agree with this.

After agreeing to meet her, if he wishes not to at this stage he owes her to respect to tell her.

It is simple, you have said you have something one.
I would say "look, sorry but i completely forgot but i have prior engagements this weekend. sorry about that but we will talk soon."

That is of course if he wishes not to at this stage and truly does have something else planned like he has stated previously.

If not and he wants to meet her then I say great, good luck!

I truly appreciate everything that everyone has said. The outpour of support and willingness to help has been more comforting than anything I could have ever asked for.

At this time I have decided that I need to take a step back from all of this... and improve myself. The best course of action for me is to avoid this meeting as I feel it could possibly bring heartbreak... and after everything I have been through this is the last thing I need right now. I can't walk into something that I know will have a bad outcome for me.

This is a point in my life where I have to be the best person I can be and just let the situation ride out. I don't want to make any rash decisions, as I know I really want to be with her.

The best move I can make is to let her know I am not ready to meet at this time and wish her well. No amount of justifications or any excuses will make it seem better. Simply telling her I can't talk to her and taking time away for myself is the best thing I think I can do. I've seen heartbreak before and I will NOT let myself willingly walk right into it and take myself down another notch. I am stronger and smarter than that!

Thank you everyone.

MeeDee,

Thank you for sharing how you feel now. That was very kind of you to reveal.

As I said in my previous post, whatever choice you make... you will always have great support behind you and you know we are always here.

MeeDee, I am still happy for you, and I just know that going through all of this, such as you are, will ultimately lead you to happiness.

How you feel today, may change tomorrow or next week. And that is more than okay and quite normal and not a darn thing wrong with it, just part of the growing process.

You said something very important in your post... "I don't want to make any rash decisions", have that thought be your guide and you will be more than okay.

I am concerned that you are thinking so negatively about the possible outcome, but I do respect your feelings and it may be your internal voice giving you indicators. Only you know that.

Anyway, MeeDee, I still feel happiness for you and great hope that all of this will sort itself out.

Allheart

I don't think you have quite got it Meedee.

The reason for you not meeting with her right now would only be justifiable because you are not ready and need more time to think and be clear in your head what YOU want!

It should not be about FEAR of her ending it.

That is not what anyone would suggest I'm sure and certainly not what anyone here was getting at.

So what you are saying is, is that you are strong and smart because you are not going to see her because you are afraid of her and what she might say??

Can you see the contradiction there in your thinking?

Avoiding the inevitable ending (if it is indeed that and there is still such a big chance it isnt) through fear is so unhealthy and I promise you will only bring you more pain and fear in the not too distant future.

Look, if you weren't reayd right now because you were busy this weekend and wanted time to think exactly what YOU want then I would support that!

But I won't support you putting this off out of fear. That is nor strong or smart despite what you may think.

Do you see what has transpired in the previous posts and understand the points being made?

Because the conclusions you reached was not advised by anyone!

Skell that is exactly it! I don't know what I want... people here were the ones that called me unstable. I'm not upset at that, it's more of a reality that is helpful in calming me down and trying to slow down my actions. And I recognize that I am confused and am not certain one way or another what will come of all of this. One thing I do know for sure is that I need to put this aside for now because I feel I can. I am certainly not ready to confront this as you have seen from my waivering decisions. I still have time that I need to figure myself out some more and become more happy with my own life.

This is not a fear issue... it is what is best for me. Thanks

In that case then one can only applaud you for doing what you think is best for you.

As long as you truly believe that!

It just wasn't what you depicted in your previous post!

I don't know what I want....people here were the ones that called me unstable. I'm not upset at that, it's more of a reality that is helpful in calming me down and trying to slow down my actions. And I recognize that I am confused and am not certain one way or another what will come of all of this. One thing I do know for sure is that I need to put this aside for now because I feel I can. I am certainly not ready to confront this as you have seen from my waivering decisions. I still have time that I need to figure myself out some more and become more happy with my own life.
I hear your confusion MeeDee and understandably so too! I wish you much healing in your recovery from what happened. Relationpship loss does make a significant impact on each of us when it occurrs. When you are ready to confront anything, my hope is you consider this, which I posted recently on another thread but am copying it here because I think it has such relevancy to your situation too:

"Sometimes in all the discussion about NC, and even the debates in peoples' minds about NC -- I hear them sifting though the breakup part, asking themselves if they had handled the final days of the relationship leading up to the breakup better, could they have influenced whether the breakup occurred or not.

First of all, do see that all this sifing of the final days is really separate from the "no contact" stuff since the NC ought not come into play for anyone until AFTER the break up. If you are thinking you can apply no contact before a breakup, well, I would love to hear from anybody how that's going to work for salvaging a clearly distressed relationship. If its that distressed, implementing no contact isn't going to help it. Lots of others thing will, but that won't. NC is not being defined or used as some kind of recess or time out. Now that would be different and might help and last I looked, that is called a s-e-p-a-r-a-t-i-o-n.

Which brings me to the other point-- better handling of the ending days of any relationship may be the "too-late" time for attempting to handle anything well about the relationship. Its breaking up primarily because people did not handle well some aspect or aspects of the relationship for days and days before it got to the final days of the relationship. The problems began way back there and I bet for some, from the very beginning even. So chiding yourself about how much better you could have handling the final days before breaking up is really like lamenting that you are at the bottom of a hill you skiied down for sometime and just didn't notice.

What is to lament is one of two things: y'all partnered up with people who didn't help clearly identify those problems long before you're both into the final days. Or your partner did talk about it and you didn't listen, much to your own risk because it cost you their willingness to keep on trying to work it out with you. Pick the one that fits for you or perhaps its a combination of both. I would put my money on both more often than not.

If you want to do some productive crtitical analysis of what happened, find the real issus that killed the relationship, look at your part in them and deal with that so you don't do that again."

See - the tone of her e-mails changed... no loving.

No chance in hell I would go to that 'meeting'.

I never called you unstable once - you're fine. We've talked privtely. You just need to learn a little bit more about how to handle things.

Yea, so I definitely am not going to this meeting... for various reasons. I want her to get that point that it's my turn to be upset and take a stand. I'm not giving into her every request and I want her to feel it... especially since my goal is to improve self as to be a stronger man in the future.

I don't want to be mean to her... I love her... I just want her to know I can't be pushed around and I won't sit around and sulk about things that upset me. Plus I've got some fun things to do this weekend that just came up :) Thaaaank goodness haha.

Oh and Wildcat, my bad buddy, I didn't mean to accuse people of calling me unstable (you certainly didn't)... everyone here just helped put me in my place that I am too back and forth on what I want to do. I need to sit back and rationally think about and make the decisions that are best for ME.

See - NOT meeting with her says a huge statement... "I am happy with out her - I don't NEED her to be happy" - it's dam important for him right now.

It will throw her for a loop.

Well MeeDee and WC, since this is your plan for straightening out MeeDee's relationship, and its clearly your choice, all we can do is wait for further installments to see...

Time will tell, won't it?

Yes it will. But he's doing the right thing.

You really think him going to a meeting and tell her how he feels will help? Yuck! Only in the MOVIES!!

The tone of her e-mails tell it all! No 'I miss yous' - no 'I love yous' - no 'I can't wait to see you' - no 'lets make plans' - I know these meetings - been there I nthe past.

You make it sound like everything is OK between them - it's clearly not. They had issues before this.

He needs to clean up his act and he is.

You really think him going to a meeting and tell her how he feels will help? Yuck! Only in the MOVIES!!!!! You make it sound like everything is ok between them - it's clearly not. They had issues before this
Forgive me, is this "YOU" meant for me? Or just a general YOU? I would like to clear it up for you WC by saying I've taken none of my strategies from movies, or even books. Au contraire -- they are from real life, mine and other people's. And I see issues here also, very plainly. In fact, I don't see anyone here who doesn't. :confused:

But its okay, and to be expected, that different ideas are posted here. The more the merrier even, that way the OP has a rich array to choose from. I understand he has made his choice too. I can respect whatever he chooses and would not care to turn this into a tug-o-war, ugh. But if it turns out to be incorrect, I would like to know it and to have some chance at understanding why too, if possible? Wouldn't you WC? In a way we've all been talking theories, and its important to know if the thoeories work, isn't it?

Cage Match!!

OK everyone enough bickering haha. I am not trying to be one-sided here, and I respect everyone's opinions... so as I think of new things, I will post them. For instance now:

I need to look at all angles, as to not make a bigger mess out of this. I still need more time to myself though. I'm sorry... I know I'm jumping all over the place and it's driving people here crazy. I really do appreciate everyone's help though. I just need to make the right move and considering all ideas is something I have to keep my mind open to.

I want to appear strong to her, but don't want to upset her. I agree she and I need to really sit down and communicate... but its too soon to show any improvement on my end. Deep I'd like to make a statement to her to make her think, but also don't appear cruel and that I want to cut her off. Basically I need a firm message that will make her think twice but won't cause ill effects later.

I know it depends upon the situation and the people, but what would you say? Thanks again

I wouldn't worry about upsetting her. She asked for the 'break'.

I want to appear strong to her, but don't want to upset her. I agree she and I need to really sit down and communicate....but its too soon to show any improvement on my end. I'd like to make a statement to her to make her think, but also don't appear cruel and that I want to cut her off. Basically I need a firm message that will make her think twice but won't cause ill effects later.I know it depends upon the situation and the people, but what would you say? Thanks again
Its okay MeeDee, sometimes getting down to our "truths" and hooking them up with what we think is the correct action is a messy business. Life is messy but it need not be chaos. So here is my suggested plan for you:


I would meet for a very brief meeting. This needs to be face to face -- its important. I would annouce to her that in this time apart, you've begun to see some things about yourself that you understand may be causing some difficulties in the relationship (it is a powerful thing to tell the truth).

I would limit discussion about it to that statement only and if she asked for details, say you will share more later, that you have good reason to postpone this part of the discussion and she'll just have to trust you-- this is very important and do not budge on it, say "sorry, if I am to improve at all, its just not open to negotiation at this time." (this is where you should make your stand)

I would further ask if she would go for a temporary separation so you can pursue working on making some changes, changes you hope to demonstrate later to her that you think she will really like.

If she seems open to that, I would use the remainder of the meeting for making the necessary "terms" of that separation, i.e.. You are still exclusive with each other or not, and should there be NC or not and when to expect a coming back together - make a list from this to use as notes if necessary. Or write them down as you decide if you are concerned you will forget later -- don't think for a minute that will look funny, it will look sincere.

Once you have secured that, kiss, say thanks and leave ---you will be free to concentrate on your work on you much much easier if you don't have to wonder if you have a relationship to return to and she'll understand what is going on and have something to look forward to too. If near the end or anywhere else, she would like to add any comments about what she thinks you need to work on, be open to hearing that but state to her upfront that you are open to a very limited amount only - like just one or two items, lest you end up overwhelmed and it becomes counter productive, which you both know you do sometimes and that's not good (Again truth - very powerful). Hear her one or two suggestions, politely stop her if necessary from making more LOL thank her and leave.

In a nutshell:
Request time to make changes

Severely limit topic to just relevant items

Make a clean get away with a clear understanding of separation

This is how a constructive separation is arranged. Voilà! (... and already you'v begun to change starting right here!)

Are you capable of this MeeDee? What do you think? Any questions?

This is very good stuff Val... I really haven't heard this sort of suggestion before, especially with most of the vote here going to NC. I really have to decide sometime tonight exactly what I'm going to do. This morning I was sure of it... but now I see new ideas. I need to apply the suggestions to myself and her, and see what the best way to go about this is. I've learned you can't generalize a way to handle things in any given situation based on what the school of thought is.

All I know is I realize things I didn't before about myself and our relationship... and I know better ways to go about them. But to try and demonstrate these things to her (that I have changed/learned) in just a number of weeks... well it is your guess as good as mine as to whether she wants to SEE or BELIEVE those changes.

I am very much caught between:
1) opening up the lines of communication in a way that she has never seen before and acknowledging to her that I see faults now that I want to take time to work on. In doing this I would have to hope she would see me as genuine in my commitment to better myself and us, but also that she isn't so hard-nosed that by seeing me show up at this meeting that she will have already made a decision on our future.

2) Taking a stand and saying no we shouldn't talk right now... and see what comes of it at a later time after I have worked on myself. This also trusts that she has the willingness to not be pissed off at me for doing this and accept that fact that space will help us.

They both seem so risky to me and it's almost a toss-up as to how to apply this to myself and her... I swear NOTHING in life is clear cut!

I am very much caught between:
1) opening up the lines of communication in a way that she has never seen before and acknowledging to her that I see faults now that I want to take time to work on. In doing this I would have to hope she would see me as genuine in my commitment to better myself and us, but also that she isn't so hard-nosed that by seeing me show up at this meeting that she will have already made a decision on our future.

2) Taking a stand and saying no we shouldn't talk right now.....and see what comes of it at a later time after I have worked on myself. This also trusts that she has the willingness to not be pissed off at me for doing this and accept that fact that space will help us.

They both seem so risky to me and it's almost a toss-up as to how to apply this to myself and her...I swear NOTHING in life is clear cut!
I can appreciate all that you are saying here. And you know her, we don't. One trick you can try to help in the decision is this:

If you can envision in the future what the new MeeDee will be like, and if you are fairly certain he would be acceptable, even very desired by her, then ask him which he would do, and do it. LOL :p Not to sound too Yoda-like LOL but the first few steps to who you would like to become are right here before you now and my heart tells me those will be the right ones for her too somehow. I trust your instincts on this when you don't! LOL

I hear your confusion MeeDee and understandably so too! I wish you much healing in your recovery from what happened. Relationpship loss does make a significant impact on each of us when it occurrs. When you are ready to confront anything, my hope is you consider this, which I posted recently on another thread but am copying it here because I think it has such relevancy to your situation too:

"Sometimes in all the discussion about NC, and even the debates in peoples' minds about NC -- I hear them sifting though the breakup part, asking themselves if they had handled the final days of the relationship leading up to the breakup better, could they have influenced whether the breakup occurred or not.

First of all, do see that all this sifing of the final days is really separate from the "no contact" stuff since the NC ought not come into play for anyone until AFTER the break up. If you are thinking you can apply no contact before a breakup, well, I would love to hear from anybody how that's going to work for salvaging a clearly distressed relationship. If its that distressed, implementing no contact isn't going to help it. Lots of others thing will, but that won't. NC is not being defined or used as some kind of recess or time out. Now that would be different and might help and last I looked, that is called a s-e-p-a-r-a-t-i-o-n.

Which brings me to the other point-- better handling of the ending days of any relationship may be the "too-late" time for attempting to handle anything well about the relationship. Its breaking up primarily because people did not handle well some aspect or aspects of the relationship for days and days before it got to the final days of the relationship. The problems began way back there and I bet for some, from the very beginning even. So chiding yourself about how much better you could have handling the final days before breaking up is really like lamenting that you are at the bottom of a hill you skiied down for sometime and just didn't notice.

What is to lament is one of two things: y'all partnered up with people who didn't help clearly identify those problems long before you're both into the final days. Or your partner did talk about it and you didn't listen, much to your own risk because it cost you their willingness to keep on trying to work it out with you. Pick the one that fits for you or perhaps its a combination of both. I would put my money on both more often than not.

If you want to do some productive crtitical analysis of what happened, find the real issus that killed the relationship, look at your part in them and deal with that so you don't do that again."


Allheart is hereby officially lodging a complaint about this incredible web-site... Why do have to spread the reps... Why..

Val, can the word AMAZING be used too often? You are AMAZING.! Sorry couldn't give the rep, but your words exceed the little green guy anyway. Another keeper!

Yes it will. But he's doing the right thing.

You really think him going to a meeting and tell her how he feels will help? Yuck! Only in the MOVIES!!!!!

The tone of her e-mails tell it all! No 'I miss yous' - no 'I love yous' - no 'I can't wait to see you' - no 'lets make plans' - I know these meetings - been there i nthe past.

You make it sound like everything is ok between them - it's clearly not. They had issues before this.

He needs to clean up his act and he is.

Wild, boy I sure hope I didn't step in the lions den hear :eek: , but I am willing to take that risk :p

Wild, is it possible, even slightly, that the reason the tone of the emails, the no I love yous, no I miss yous... is because, maybe just perhaps, she is already feeling unsure of where she stands with MeeDee? Perhaps she is keeping her feelings close to the vest, out of fear? She did hurt someone that she love/d and she knows it. And SHE reached out to him, not knowing how MeeDee would react, but she took that chance. I am not saying this is the case for the missing emotions in her email, but could it be possible, that her omissions are due to her maybe being still unsure of things, and because he did do so well with the NC, that she is now uncertain as to how MeeDee feels and is unable or unwilling to make her self vulnerable, and have I love yous and miss yous all over an email to someone she just recently told... " I need space"?

Hmmmm what you think about that :)??

Wild, boy I sure hope I didn't step in the lions den hear :eek: , but I am willing to take that risk :p

Wild, is it possible, even slightly, that the reason the tone of the emails, the no i love yous, no I miss yous....is because, maybe just perhaps, she is already feeling unsure of where she stands with MeeDee? Perhaps she is keeping her feelings close to the vest, out of fear? She did hurt someone that she love/d and she knows it. And SHE reached out to him, not knowing how MeeDee would react, but she took that chance. I am not saying this is the case for the missing emotions in her email, but could it be possible, that her omissions are due to her maybe being still unsure of things, and because he did do so well with the NC, that she is now uncertain as to how MeeDee feels and is unable or unwilling to make her self vulnerable, and have I love yous and miss yous all over an email to someone she just recently told....." I need space"?

hmmmm what ya think about that :)????

Excellent point Allheart. And with that said, if she is concerned as to how I am feeling and wants to hide her emotions in the emails... would it hurt to stay away a little longer? Would it hurt to say "I can't meet right now but we will at a later date"?

My whole life I've always RAN back to the one that hurt me and they've always shot me down even more. I would love to tell her those things that Val was talking about... but it's still too soon. It makes me look like I'm a lost puppy running back at the first chance I have that the master calls. I intend to do something much like what Val said... but does it hurt to stand my ground for a while? Especially since she has 2 weeks of finals left... which I don't want to get in the way of.

This is your life Meedee and you have to live it as you see fit.

You make decisions that you will have to live and die by everyday. This is just another one.

So when you make one, don't second guess yourself.
Make it knowing it was YOU who made it, and no one else!

And it won't be a matter of success or failure or positive or negative outcome. Because whatever happens you will find success. Whether it be with or without this person.

What might seem like a negative outcome in the short term will likely turn into the most brilliant and unbelievable positive in the future.

God luck Meedee and please make sure you keep us informed of what goes on.. if you wish that is!

MeeDee,

"Would it hurt to stay away longer"? Very good question. MeeDee, if you wish to stay away for a little longer, for the right healthy reasons for you, by all means there is nothing at all wrong with that... nothing.

MeeDee, be careful in bringing forward past hurts to this current situation. So very easy to bring it all with you, but be careful of having this girlfriend pay for the pains the past ones inflicted.

MeeDee, as long as you are taking a little more time for YOU, to heal just a bit more internally, which is very understandable, I see nothing wrong with telling her you need to delay the meeting.

Just be sure, there is no vengeance, spitefullness, planning plotting for an outcome, incorporated into your descion. Ya know, you hurt me... see how it feels. That sort of thing. I in no way think you are doing that. Honest. But it doesn't hurt to point out.

Vals advice and wisdom is one all of us need to post up and would be wise to follow. So glad you recognize the wisdom in her words.

MeeDee your consideration for her upcoming finals is an incredible statement to the person that you are... incredible and good for you.

No MeeDee, you do have the right absolutely, again as long as it is for the right reasons.

Your confusion in all of this, I know will soon lift.

Nope - it's a break. Go if you must. Been there - done that. I know the end to this story.

Sorry - but the women here are sugar coating this. They know what's going to happened - this is reality - not a romance novel where the guy spills his guts and cries and she takes him back - never happens in real life. Are they together now? no.

You can't convice some in words that you've changed - you have to show it. Talk is cheap.

This is fluff and gravey - this isn't the movies. The is reality. Re-read his initial post.

I deal in reality. I don't write romance novels.

Wildcat,

Wish I could take a snapshot of my facial expression when reading your post... oh boy... Yes I could have caught a million flies... and then some.

Wildcat, first, not good to lump all the women together here. But you know that :)

More importantly, there is no way, shape form, I would surger coat anything when it comes to these types of situations. Never not ever. These are peoples emotions and MeeDee is incredible enough to bare his soul, no one would dare give any advice but what they would think in their hearts the best advice and support. You are just going to have to trust me on this.

Wildcat, I don't blow you out of the water and say you are dead wrong. I read your words with an open mind and could almost bet there are times you are dead on. Perhaps more times than not. I would take your advice as valuable and incorporated with what I thought as well.

You bring a different perspective on things and I most definitely respect it. That is the truth.

Please, no way, would I sugar coat anything when it comes to matters of the heart. Now if my girlfriend asked me if she looks like she put on a couple of pounds, okay, I may reach for the sugar and tell her... nah, bet your dress just shrunk in the wash. (just adding some levity).

And Wildcat, I only wish I knew how this would all end up. No one knows. I think actually I know, that all of us wants this to end up... the best way for MeeDee.

I am not sure I can remain participating in this thread and still maintain being constructive so... I wish you all well and good luck to MeeDee!

[QUOTE=Wildcat21]"Nope - its a break. Go if you must. Been there - done that. I know the end to this story."

Wild you have made similar statements like the one so many times before. Just because something is sounding oh too familiar to you, does not mean the same outcome will be for everyone experiencing difficult times in their relationship.

Just to prove my point, when one member of a marriage is unfaithful and the cheater is discovered by his or her spouse, sometimes in ends in divorce and sometimes they work it through it. No two situations are alike and no two people are alike.

I am sure it is hard for you not to raise red flags when seeing similar circumstances, but sometimes it may be best to put on the breaks and be careful in not overlapping your experiences and making the firm determination, that if it happened to you, then it will, without a doubt happened to anyone else in a similar circumstances.

It is wise of you and kind of you to alert MeeDee of areas where you think harm will come, but it does not make it a certainty that what happened to you, will replay for MeeDee. I am not saying it won't, but you can not say with 100% certainty, that it will.

No Sugar here,
Allheart

I respect Wildcat for his views and opinions! Totally

But I must say that you cannot over generalize because every situation is different and each person is in someway different.. There are not always rules and predictable outcomes to one's actions. You cannot guarantee specific results every time. There is so much danger in becoming accustomed to following rules and patterns (at least in terms of what we are debating here).

Sorry meedee that I have not contributed to your discussion sooner but I entered rather late and you seemed to be getting so many good ideas and viewpoints from some wise fellows, I can't really add anything without sounding like I am repeating what has been said.

Best advice I can give is for you to take all the advice you have been given and filter this through your zone of reasoning..

That is what works best for me!

All the best!

Exactly my sentiments Geoff.

He has to live and die by his decision and whatever it may be it must be made by him and him alone.

Okay, what happened to just meeting her to find out what is on her mind? To do some listening, see where she goes from there. Then by listening to what she has to say, at that moment you will be able to respond to whatever she said to you. Of course if your going to do this it needs to be at your own pace and your own time. Some people might think that no way do the talking first, but without any influence on your part you will be able to figure out where exactly she stands or what she wants to talk about. Then you will have an easier decision to make one way or another.



Joe

Yep Joe,

My main point all along is Meedee has to do what he finds is comfortable in his own time. When he is feeling ready.

Don't put it off forever but understand it is OK to not be ready immediately and clear his head.

Time is a valuable thing that we must all understand and see its value. Look at me, I've been jumping all over the place the last couple of days and you kind people have tried to give me all the helpful insight you can. After taking time and REALLY sorting things out and finding out what is best for me... I can be at peace with my decision that, for the time being, hold off on the meeting. It is too soon for the both of us and I don't have my composure yet... I'm getting there though!

In the mean time, I'm looking at improving myself and going out to have fun to try and put it on the side for now. I believe in time as a healing factor, no matter what side of the situation you are on. By rushing into anything, it can lead to cause for great regret in the future. At least now, I can feel that by slowing down and thinking for a couple days, I have made the best decision for ME and me alone.

Thanks everyone and I'll make sure the updates keep flowing!

I like your last post a lot meedee.

For the first time in a while I see you talking about reasons for doing things and making decisions that relate to YOU! Not her or anyone else. You haven't done that until this point. I think it shows you have come a long way and have taken things in.

That is good.

Well done!

Well, I know you don't want to hear "move on" but that really is the best advice for you in this situation. Now, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's totally over and she's gone for good. However, you've got to be prepared to live your life to the fullest with or without her. You need to learn to be just as happy with or without her. Once she sees that you can, in fact, be perfectly content without her, that may make her want you back. I can't make any guarantees, but when someone you were close to realizes that you can get by without them, they often want to come back in to your life. Being able to be content in the absence of any significant other is seen as a sign of strength. Once you begin dating other women, she may come to the realization that if she doesn't get you back now she'll lose you for good. That may make her chase you and get her coming back to you. SO yes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to "move on."

<<Nope - it's a break. Go if you must. Been there - done that. I know the end to this story.
Sorry - but the women here are sugar coating this. They know what's going to happened - this is reality - not a romance novel where the guy spills his guts and cries and she takes him back - never happens in real life. Are they together now? no.
>>

Ha ha well I know a few cases... but... the girl often loses respect for the guy right after.

In fact I totally agree with everything wildcat wrote and I am a girl, and I also don't believe in "breaks". A break is a break up.
So I would not meet her until you are ready to deal with the fact that she is most probably going to break up in a sugary coated way. Its strange to me why she wants to do this just before her exams but maybe she's feeling guilty since you sent the last card.

So when you meet her , listen to what she has to say, don't try and beg with her, nothing. Just agree with her. Tell her, yes I agree with you , we are too young to settle down , yes you need to see other people or whatever else she has to say. Tell her you just want her to be happy and then you leave!

Rol, I definitely respect your view on things. I may not agree :), but I do respect them. Do you also agree to the fact that Wildcat claims "the women" are "sugarcoating this". Such generalizations to me, lend nothing to a situation, as to think one group of anything think all a like, is just non-productive and disables any type of learning, growth or valuable insight.

Just to be sure I understand WC claims of "sugarcoating".. here is the definition:

" To make superficially attractive or palatable".

To me, the above statement shows intent. Which could not be farther from the truth and takes away, or attempts to take away, the genuineness of the heartfelt and sincere comments.

To be even more truthful, I absolutely shutter that Vals incredible insight, wisdom, and gifted talents has to be lumped with my post all because we are women. Although heartfelt and doing my darn best to help, they can't even come close to Vals incredible wisdom.
Not even close. No where near it.

Nothing further.

<<Do you also agree to the fact that Wildcat claims "the women" are "sugarcoating this". Such generalizations to me, lend nothing to a situation, as to think one group of anything think all a like, is just non-productive and disables any type of learning, growth or valuable insight.
>>

:)) no I don't agree to that part:)))
I am sugarcoating nothing ;-)

And I understand Vals point also... but I think right now is just not the time to talk or explain how he's going to change or try to convince the girl..
Also the age here makes an incredible difference.

And I agree its great for the poster to get all advice male and female and make up his mind and do what he wants to do.

S_cianci - 100% correct - that is what I am trying to say.

Hey - I am blunt and I would never send MeeDee in there with false hopes.

This is reality - not a movie.

NO - it's not over - I don't think it is between them at all. She just has or think she has all the power in this relationship - he needs show - not so fast.

I also don't want this guy going into a 'talk' meeting. No way.

Any one who disagrees with me just needs to read his posts again here.

He needs to get his power back her - he gave it all away.

He should have that meeting - but on his terms and when he is really ready.

Pleae read his initial post again - they had some issues.

So I told her I didn't want to meet yet but that I fully intend for this meeting to occur later (and I wished her well)... very concise and to the point. If it were sent to me, I figure I'd be very perplexed...

Anyway I got a response that sounded fairly concerned asking if something was wrong and why I didn't want to meet. She also tried to be light hearted and crack a little joke afterwards.

All I know is it finally feels good to make an impression and leave her wondering for once as to what I've been up to... since she really has no clue what my life has been like the last few weeks. I have an idea of what I want to do from here... but I'd like to hear others opinions as to what they think about this. I also want her to get through exams without me getting in the way at all. Plus I feel like I'm growing stronger each day, which would be important before I meet her.

Hi MeeDee,

So glad to hear from you :). I would like to apologize to you, if I in anyway caused any confusion or upset with last nights discussions. I may look at things differently, or come out from a different place, but honest to heaven, I sincerely mean everyword and would never say soft words to cover a potential hard blow. Honest.

Okay, what do I think... I am just tickeld that YOU are feeling better and stronger. As far as what to do from here... do nothing for a change :). Meaning, just take a mental break from it all. Cleanse the mind and soul... breeeeath for once. I know what is like when pain just zaps you and takes your breath away.

Be proud of yourself, like it or not, you made the ultimate decision, you listened intently to everyone's words and advice, but ultimately, MeeDee, you made the choice that you thought was best. Good for you!! So have the confidence that your view of things is clearing, your emotions are calming and so now future choices will come a little easier.

Sit back and relax for a few. This was a tough one for you. Don't worry about what to do next, just take comfort in this moment... and.. catch your breath.

Get a good nights sleep :)

I'm glad you have done what YOU wanted to do because after all as I have said they are your decisions to make and you will have to live with the consequences.

I'm a little concerned with the fact that you almost sound proud of the fact that you have left her 'concerned' and 'perplexed'.

Because that indicates to me that perhaps you haven't made these decisions based on you, but rather on the effect it will have on her.

That's fine, but I must warn you that thinking that way could eventually backfire.

If you make decisions based on the effect (either positive or negative) that they have on others then in my opinion your decisions will be severely jaded.

Decisions should be made based on what is best for ourselves and how we will feel afterwards and the outcome that we will achieve. Not others.

It feels good to make and impression on her?? How about it feeling good because it helped ease your mind and helped you think clearer. Wasn't that you original basis for your decision? Not the mark you left on her?

I hope I'm wrong and I'm also glad you are happy, but it just smells to me like you still think it is some game.

Can I ask where you plan on going from here?

I don't have an opinion until I know what your plans are!

I try to keep this as far as from a game as possible. I really feel better about my decision because it made ME feel good for once. I know its easy to see things like this as a game, but it's also the point that you have to try and understand human nature and how people work in order to make an impression.

Any way you look at it, I want to reaffirm to her that this time is about her, not me. I want to show support but not be intrusive. Therefore I am standing back for now, and would like to make as little contact as possible until the time is right when we meet.

This gets harder and harder to report on the board as things develop... but I still appreciate everyone's insight.

Skell: I completely understand what you are saying and do so agree. If I may, and probably shouldn't, I am thinking that MeeDee actually did do it for the right reason ultimately, he just felt he was not ready and wished to postpone to a time when he was.

He felt he just needed some more time to heal himself before seeing her again. I think after he let her know that he delayed the meeting, the other thoughts of how it impacted her crept in. I think it's only human, to feel a little bit pleased, knowing it was not a response she was used to or expecting.

If it were me, and it were my ex, and he told me he needed space, and then contacted me to talk, and I delayed for the right reasons, this may be wrong, but I would do a little miniature happy dance if I thought it pinched my ex... just a tad. I am not, in no way, into games... no no no... but if a result happened that I was not aiming for... after feeling soooo much pain, a little tinge of, yeah I feel good about myself, seems reasonable.. don't you think?

I agree with you totally Allheart and it is exactly what I have tried to impress on Meedee all along.

If he truly wasn't ready, and I didn't think he was as you'll remember, then he should wait until he is.

I pressed him to do that heavily. But as I said, only if it was indeed for his benefit and no other reason. I wanted to make that clear as well..

And I'm with you, I think Meedee did do it for the right reasons, and I'm glad he seems a bit more at ease, but I just felt I had to confirm that in light of his last post.

Im now at ease with his response and reasoning!

Oh I do remember Skell, and so very glad you have been and are there for MeeDee.

I'm a little concerned with the fact that you almost sound proud of the fact that you have left her 'concerned' and 'perplexed'. Because that indicates to me that perhaps you havent made these decisions based on you, but rather on the effect it will have on her. Thats fine, but i must warn you that thinking that way could eventually backfire. If you make decisions based on the effect (either positive or negative) that they have on others then in my opinion your decisions will be severely jaded. Decisions should be made based on what is best for ourselves and how we will feel afterwards and the outcome that we will achieve. Not others. It feels good to make and impression on her??? How about it feeling good because it helped ease your mind and helped you think clearer. Wasnt that you original basis for your decision? Not the mark you left on her? I hope im wrong and im also glad you are happy, but it just smells to me like you still think it is some game. Can i ask where you plan on going from here? I dont have an opinion until i know what your plans are!
I think Wildcat, MeeDee and I agree on the following:
- One person having too much power in a relationship can and does cause problems.
- MeeDee who is kind of laid back personaity wise hooked up with a woman who is becoming a lawyer, i.e. not so laid back and this made for him accidentally giving his power away to her. It was evident in his posts too.
- He needed to get it back or the relationship was history

Where Wildcat and MeeDee aren't on the same page with me is:
- There are authentic and intelligent ways to get your power back (one of which I outlined in the "how to arrange a separation" post) and there are ones that for lack of a better word are inauthentic and not very sophisticated ways (games, tactics, insincere, phoney, etc) and which ones work the best.

We are, of course, free to disagree about all this too. I think Skell's post here points to the very same legitimate concerns I have had all along about MeeDee and this whole thread. But to some degree, either deliberately or accidentally, in mostly PM's I felt like MeeDee was doing a very counterproductuve thing setting the stage for WC and I to almost "play off" against each other, which is why I considered withdrawing from the thread back there. If he did do that deliberately it's the kind of thing game players who play from the position of "looking like they have no power" play from (I know almost every game out there and I don't mean that as a brag either). Like Skell, for MeeDee's sake, I hope that isn't true about him.

I did not like feeling that I am being sucked into a game like I did with the way this went. I now see (see, I am still learning too folks! LOL) that it was largely because of the behind the scenes pm'ing I was experiencing, which is warned about on sites like this FOR this very reason. If it can't be upfront, then maybe something not good is going on... and my instincts say that when it starts to get "funky" its time to either get more honest or get out. I chose here to get more honest and mean no disrespect to Wildcat or MeeDee for it. It is simply my expereince about what is happening here. What I do know about games is they simply do not endure the test of time, which is why I have maintained a "we'll see" attitude here.

As a result of this I have learned to be more careful with pm's, and I sincerely thank MeeDee for that lesson. Thank you.

It looks to me like MeeDee got way more advice than he needed. I suspect he may have enjoyed it more than the rest of you did. I'm glad I stayed out of this one. Oh wait, now I'm in. Doh!

I'm sorry if you guys think "games" are going on here on the forum....this has evolved so much with so many different opinions, it just seems that way. I apologize to everyone that thinks my intentions here are not genuine and from the heart. I appreciate everyone's help.


UPDATE:

Recently she had sent me an email (as I said earlier) asking to meet up because she felt it wasn't fair to make me wait until it was convenient for her to talk (after exams). At that point I wasn't ready to meet with her as I felt I had to work on myself more and I didn't want to get in the way of her doing well in school. I sent her a reply basically saying:
-Please do not worry about me... and that the most important thing in the world was for her to stay completely focused on exams
-I look forward to meeting with her afterwards
-I have taken time and I recognize there are issues that she and I really need to sit down and talk about
-Wished her luck and that I believe her in

Didn't send any "I miss you's" or anything. Just well wishes and to show support that I care about her and doing well in school... and not to be selfish because this is a time that is not about her focusing on me.

I fully intend on meeting with her after exams (which is in a week) and really talking about what our true issues are and confronting them with our true feelings.

Good luck meedee, at least you are well prepared now.
Keep strong and confident!

Yep - go meet - but be prepared for anything. Open mind.

Let us know what you discussed. Time away will help you both.

I fully intend on meeting with her after exams (which is in a week) and really talking about what our true issues are and confronting them with our true feelings.
I have a little different take on this than perhaps some. ... Sounds like she wants to meet and talk about the relationship, so go and talk about the relationship as adult-like as you can muster.

LOL forgive me for chuckling a bit here but isn't this pretty much exactly what I suggested on Post #5 of this thread ? :rolleyes:

All I can say here is... if either you or WC think making her wait has somehow brought you power then I well, can only shake my head and wonder, wait and watch LOL I already know that real power only lies in truth telling, not tactics. But first I must be willing to tell myself the truth in order to tell it to anyone else. And that is what goes wrong about 99.9% of the time in relationships. All that tactics ever do is stall the inevitable.

Well MeeDee and WC, since this is your plan for straightening out MeeDee's relationship, and its clearly your choice, all we can do is wait for further installments to see.........

Time will tell, won't it?


Ya Val, I think he should have met with her... he said he would. But it seemed WC talked him out of it and it seems like MEEDEE is playing games right now... my opinion.

I guess he will see. He may be losing her, but we all make our choices and have to live with them.

It makes me look like I"m a lost puppy running back at the first chance I have that the master calls. I intend to do something much like what Val said.....but does it hurt to stand my ground for a while?


Sounds like WC talking. The "being stubborn" thang may not always work. :confused:

LOL forgive me for chuckling a bit here but isn't this pretty much exactly what I suggested on Post #5 of this thread ? :rolleyes:

All I can say here is...... if either you or WC think making her wait has somehow brought you power then I well, can only shake my head and wonder, wait and watch LOL Power only lies in truth telling, not tactics --- tons of literature and the whole wide world and all it offers confirms this one almost daily.


EXACTLY! :D

I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. The birds are ready to fly solo, so we can only hope they learned... something from us. I wish you luck and hope you find what your looking for.

Thanks everyone

No - he wasn't ready at all to talk with her. AND - if you read his posts he had NO SPINE in this relationship what so ever. You guys think everything was just completely perfect with them - it wasn't.

It's Meedee's plan. I wouldn't contact her at all personally for a long time.

MeeDee,

You sound a little stronger on your feet. Continue to build your strength, work on yourself,
learn from this very difficult time, and if you truly believe she is the one, then follow your heart and remain true to who you are, what you believe and the things that you value.

I am hoping for the very best for you.

I think eyes opened a little bit after this.

Remember - they had a 'break'. She asked for space - he can't go running back to her - that would be a big mistake.

I am fortunate Wildcat in that my strong, capable, honest mate is wise enough to recognise that when I say leave me alone (and he does) only to hear me ask a few hours later if can we talk... that what he has just witnessed is called a woman's prerogative. AND funny thing, when he does it to me I do likewise (only in that case its called a man's prerogative LOL). And so we talk and basically when either of us requests it. Easy peasy. What we don't do is make power games out of it--- not now, nor did we in the beginning either. And had either of us attempted to, it would have been lovingly "called out" and questioned for the bs it is. That's for sure LOL

Now this may come down to a matter of just how real do you like it... but I have done enough variations of the unreal things to now know without a shadow of a doubt --- ain't nothing like the real thing baby.

I hope for your sake MeeDee, that both you and your girl get real with each other, very very real.

Wild,

But somewhere within all of it... MeeDee has got to do what he feels inside what he feels is right not how she will view what he says or does. It has got to get to the point that if MeeDee wants to see her, then that is what he should do regardless of how she will view it. How can one ever get healthy if they are not coming one with who they really are. To fight against it may be more harmful.

Does this make sense?? Part of getting stronger is being who you are and not being concerned of how you are being viewed or reacting or acting based on what someone else would think. Avoidance of a situation can also bring on more weakness. He needs to figure out what he wants, say what he feels and not give one thought if it will make her stay or go. If he shows her his true self and she still leaves... well then the relationship should not be... If she stays after knowing his true feelings, then oh my... how great is that.

Keep in mind, she asked to see him. There is no running back right to her. He is acting like a mature adult, who is able to be himself and listen and reveal how he truly feels. How can this relationship, if there is to be one in the future,
Ever get solid, if one or both parties are mascardading how they truly feel?

Now you have to agree with this... come on... hit me with that little green guy :)

To everyone who has followed my progress and given such helpful suggestions...

Link to old post:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/all-comes-down-46419.html

I met with her tonight and I think it all went as well as possible. We laughed, joked, and reconnected. I felt cool, calm, and collected and I let her know everything that I felt. We came to the conclusion that it has not been enough time apart for us yet to jump right back into something... as that would definitely be foolish. We are going to take it very slow. We agreed to a separation and that we can "date" others for a few months if we so choose... but we will be open and honest with the other if that is the case.

I can say that I feel I opened her heart back up and she felt comfortable with me. That's the most I could ask for at this point, since a full reconciliation at this point would probably only lead us back into major problems. All I can say is the meeting was positive. She admitted how hard life has been without me and even accepting that fact that she is single (same with me though). She also says she wants to keep contact and see each other now and then. We hugged, gave a quick kiss on the cheek to each and parted ways. I felt strong and confident with what was going on.

Anyhow, I think this is a good step forward... in us both finding out what we want but also helping heal what happened between us. I'm glad I waited to meet with her because I definitely felt strong tonight. We are definitely on good terms right now. She is the most precious thing in the world to me... and there is no way I would want to rush anything.

Nice work. Now don't initiate the next move. Let her come to you.

That's great! I am glad it went that way! I hope it works out in the long run.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! :)

We agreed to a separation and that we can "date" others for a few months if we so choose... but we will be open and honest with the other if that is the case
Let me guess she is dating and your not..

Let me guess she is dating and your not..

Actually she even said that she doesn't know if she wants to actively date someone else... more the fact that we are allowed to if we want but we need to go out and enjoy ourselves for the time being and not feel restricted. And tal, I actually am having lunch with another girl in about 2 hours. Just to talk and get to know each other better. It's the healthy thing to do in the mean time.

I'm not going to sit around and wait. I'm going to continue to enjoy my life. Whenever she and I do talk though, I will be more than happy to be there for her and be the fun and supportive person that I am. Judging from how she acted last night, she still has major feelings for me. I feel we will be back together in time, but I can't RELY on that. Our hearts will meet again if that is the right thing to do for the both of us.

Good for you!! Go slow!!

Here's the thing I was worried about and still might be going on - law students work closely together - it's easy to fall for someone. I just hope she hasn't fallen for a law school classmate. My sister married a law school classmate - it didn't work and ended in divorce.

I do suggest seeing other people.

I don't think you would have been ready for this conversation until last night. I also think. Because of pressure of school she would have broken up with you.

I HIGHLY suggest you wait for her to contact you next. No question.

I have to feel she saw oyu in a new light after wha twe discussed privately.

Being all cool with this I am sure showed you in a new lightt oher - and that she doesn't have you!! Very important.

I actually am having lunch with another girl in about 2 hours.

Yes!


Just to talk and get to know each other better. It's the healthy thing to do in the mean time.

Yes



I'm not going to sit around and wait.

Hell no you ain't


I'm going to continue to enjoy my life.

Hell Yes you are.



Whenever she and I do talk though, I will be more than happy to be there for her and be the fun and supportive person that I am.

To an certain extent you will. You aren't her doormat anymore though.


Judging from how she acted last night, she still has major feelings for me.


Perhaps, No big deal to you though.


I feel we will be back together in time, but I can't RELY on that.

No you can't. Perhaps you'll learn the grass is greener somewhere else?


Our hearts will meet again if that is the right thing to do for the both of us.

Yes. Indeed. I think your today's winner. Good for you. Someone who listened and actually applied the advice given. Stick around and keep us updated.