Hi everyone. This is my first post on this site, but I think people on this site will be able to help me. It's a long story, but I will try to include as many important parts as possible. Sorry in advance for the long post!

So me and this girl have been going out for a little more than 3 yrs. When we first met she was 16 and I was 19 (almost 20). She was a junior in high school, I was a sophomore in college. (Yea a little young). I met her through a mutual friend who was going to my college and went to her high school. She comes from a privileged family, her dad is a lawyer and her mom works for apple. I come from a poor household, my family could not provide me with a lot of nice things. She has everything, I have nothing. When we first met she was quiet, really shy, anti-social, no self confidence, and she always thought she was ugly and fat. On top of that, she had a bad drug problem with meth. I was having my own drug problems also at that time. When we first got together, it was all about the drugs. But then I realized the direction my life was going towards and wanted to change my life. I sobered up and refocused on school. She drew inspiration from this, and we helped each other get off drugs, refocused on school, and reconnect with our families. She has always given me credit for saving her, but she saved me as well. She was my hero, and I was her hero. I always saw the potential in her, I knew she could always be a better person. As our relationship grew, so did she. She became more social, trusting, full of confidence, out going, and now she even thinks she beautiful. We really grew up and blossomed while together, and it was beautiful. We fell in love really fast.

Our relationship was so good for a long time. We grew up with each other and were crazy for each other. We always wanted to see each other, hang out, kiss, make love, everything together. We had little problems, but nothing major. She thought I was amazing. I was her first everything. First major boyfriend, major relationship, first sex partner, everything. She wasn't my first anything. I never did her wrong, always gave her my all. Of course we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but we always made it work. In the beginning, she worked part time (like 18 hours a week) and went to school. I was working part time (about 22 hours a week) and going to college, but we still had time for each other. We were deep in love.

Her first year of college changed our relationship a little bit. She went to a school a little farther away from me and moved into the dorms over there, but it was OK because I worked five minutes away from her mom's house. I would see her for a little bit after work or on my lunch whenever she was home. Then my hours went up at work. I accepted a position where I was working about 35 hours a week, and still going to college full time. This strained our relationship a little bit, but we made it work. We were still deep in love.

Then came the summer. In July of 2009 she went to study abroad in Mexico for a month. Our communication was very limited, maybe 2 or 3 emails a week, and it drove me crazy. I wasn't use to that, and it took me a little while to get use to it. When she came back, I noticed something was a little different. She wasn't trying to see me as much, but it was only a little bit. She started to do her own thing a little bit more, but I was OK with that. I’m not the type of guy who won't let her do anything, I give her all the freedom in the world. I knew it part of her growing up, and I respected that. My only rule is to stay true to me. We were still really good and really in love.

So then in January of this year (2010), she went to study abroad again for another month. Our communication was again limited, and again I hated it. I missed her so bad and just wanted her back. I started to feel as if she was leaving me in the rear view mirror. When she came back we talked about it and she said she would work on it. She then became really close with her new dorm mates at school. The girls she lives with are party girls. All they do is party, go out, get wasted. She started hanging around campus more and coming home less. We started to see each other less and less. It got down to a point where we would see each other once a week or once every 2 weeks. And we would not talk a lot, barely any communications. A lot of it was our schedules. When I start school in the morning she’s still sleeping, when I’m out of school she’s in class or at work, when she’s out of class or work I’m at work, when I get off work she’s busy doing something. This really strained our relationship, barely any communication. It got to a point where we would send each other like 3-4 texts a day. I would voice my displeasure of this, but she always seemed cool with our situation. We talked about this and she said she would try to change her attitude and not make me feel left behind. It would get a little better, but not much. I thought we would get through it, I thought we were still in love.

We were arguing more and more now. Little things would turn into big arguments. The few times we would see each other, we wouldn’t be as happy as we use to be. I felt a disconnect growing between us. And I didn’t do anything about it, I would just brush it off. That’s where I am at fault, by not addressing the problem when it first came up. Also, I would be angry that she wouldn’t be getting at me, or taking hella long to respond to me. So then I would do the same with her, and now looking back this aided the distance between us grow. Our 3 year anniversary was march 4th and my birthday was march 15th. We spent the whole two days with each other, and we couldn’t even be 100% happy with each other, but we still had lots of fun with one another. I felt really unappreciated and felt like she was taking me for granted. I began to have doubts on whether I wanted to stay in the relationship or not. But I kept trying to fix the problems and make it work. It was very one sided and I began to grow tired of this. I got tired of her wanting to party and hang out with friends rather than hang out with me. I felt our love starting to disappear.

Then came march 31st. I finally got the courage to ask her if she felt a disconnect between us. She said yes, I asked her why and she said she didn’t know. She asked me why and I said I felt it was because she was falling out of love with me. She said she didn’t feel the same love for me as she use to. She said she’s a completely different person now than she was when we first met. I asked how do we fix this, and she said she needs a break. She says she needs a break to truly appreciate everything I offer and everything I do for her. She says she doesn’t know why she takes me for granted. And that the break will make her miss me a lot more. She says she needs to hit rock bottom to realize it. (This is true about her, she’s really hard headed. You can tell her all you want but she won't listen until something bad happens, then she’ll learn.) Of course I didn’t want the break and suggested doing other things. Like blocking out everything when we hang out and to truly enjoy the time together we have, even if its not that much. She said she really really the break and thought it was the only way to save us. She said on the break, she will focus on the stuff I use to do and focus on missing it. So I gave it to her. I let her know everything she was risking like losing me, her not wanting to come back, or 1 of us finding someone else. She says she’s not looking for someone else, but I told her when we got together we weren’t looking for each other, it just happened. She was willing to risk it. She said she would come back to me. She kept saying how she was confident she would come back to me. That people don’t realize what they have till its gone, that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Her rules for the break: no hooking up of any kind with other people, no physical interaction, and limited communication. She wanted 2 months, I said I might not be around in two months. She says she’s sure in like a month she’ll miss me so much and come back to me. We went on break march 31st, on Easter she called me twice and I didn’t answer her calls. I wanted NC to really make her miss me, I want to be out of the picture. She hasn’t tried to communicate with me since then. Its been 11 days since we last talked.

I’m going crazy without her. I always think of her and I hella miss her. I love her a lot still and can't get her out of my mind. Everything reminds me of her, reminds me of us. I’m more inattentive in school, and unfocused at work. I know I wrote a lot, but its because I’m so confused. I hella want her to come back to me, but at the same time I don’t know if me and her can work now. I deserve better don’t I? I feel like she ran away from me when we could have just worked it out like adults. I feel like she’s shelving me until she decides she wants me again. But I really want to give me and her a second chance, because I don’t just want to throw away 3 years of hard work and love. I’m the type of person who gives their all to whatever they’re doing. I hate leaving something or a situation where I know I didn’t give it my all to fix it. That’s why I want to give her a second chance, I hate quitting because all you think of for the rest of your life is “what if,” and that what if feeling sucks.

The first few days were torture. I thought about her once every like 2 minutes. Cried a lot. I had dreams about her and I saw a little reminder of her everywhere I go. Its still hella hard to cope, but its getting a little better. I don’t cry as much anymore, but I still think about her a lot. And a lot of what ifs. I try to say that since I’m her 1st relationship, she doesn’t know how these things work. She thinks that whenever she gets with someone, it’ll always be as good as me and her were. She has never been done dirty, never been done wrong. She can't appreciate the good, because she’s never felt the bad. So a part of me still believes that our relationship can be saved.

So what do I do? I have many questions. Like how long do I give her, the full 2 months? Should I start to move on and act like we’re broken up? When people ask if I have a girlfriend, what should I say? Is our relationship really over and I’m just not accepting it yet? How do I get her off my mind? Should I take her back if she wants to come back, will she come back at all? I know NC is the way to go, but its really hard. I’m really close to her family, especially her little sister. I consider her little sister one of my closest friends. She always giving me updates, and she says my gf/ex (whatever she is) is really confused on whether she wants to stay in a relationship with me, she doesn’t know if she wants to be with someone right now. Her little sister told me this son day 7 of the break. I knew that was the real reason for the break. I feel like she’s lying to me, like she wants to break up with me but doesn’t have the guts to do it, so she’s letting me go softly. Any advice and help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post, but I had to vent right now.

I'm sorry to say this, but for some people asking for a break is kind of like a copout... NOTE: Not for everyone but for some.. so this might not be the case. But I feel, from your post that you shouldn't be all that surprised if it is the case

Some people who ask for a break feel like it's a softer way to break up with someone, for some a way to let the other person down "easy" and for others a way to let go, but still hold on to that person.

Seeing as she was only 16 when the two of you got together and like you said, you grew up together and you were her first (well everything when it comes to relationships) it might be that she is basically changing... she is experienceing new things and her life is changing.

Personally if I were in your shoes (out of experience I guess, both my own and people around me) I would try to go on with my life... but I wonder, as I read your post, what is your life like without her... you know friends, social life etc. because your post describes a life with her and how its been between the two of you..

Hope this was of some help!
Roxy

She said she's a completely different person now than she was when we first met. I asked how do we fix this, and she said she needs a break. She says she needs a break to truly appreciate everything I offer and everything I do for her
She was so young, and screwed up when you met, (you both were) but you both have helped each other a lot, and grown better for it. Yes its hard to cut those kinds of bonds, and attachments, and it won't happen over night, but it was inevitable that would happen, as it happens to us all as we grow, and change, and gain life lessons that change us.

The odds were against you, as the years from 15/16 to early twenties is drastic, and profound, and I am sure you can appreciate that her freedom to explore the world, and herself, was bound to happen.

Sorry for your situation, but I think you should appreciate what you had, as being good, but explore who you are without her.

As great as the pain is now, it will eventually fade with the proper healing, and you will see with a clear heart, and head, that your life will have many other options, and opportunities, to be happy with yourself, and the life you build without her in it.

Good luck to you, and read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some good insights and instruction from others here who have had to do the same thing you have, so you will know you are hardly alone with your pain, because we all have had to deal with it. And that sucks for sure, and doing No Contact is the pits.

There is a link in my signature.

Spend some time finding out who you are! You'll do great... Good Luck.. :)

Learn from this one.

And don't forget.

Don't repeat. This won't be the last lesson.

Live in the moments. Enjoy.

Thank all you guys for the great advice. This is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my life. We are on day 12 of NC and its so hard. I feel like I'm on the verge of texting her, how can I stop the urge to communicate? Do I post here for other questions or do I start a new thread?

Merged and edited

She wanted 2 months, but says it could shorter (or longer) and that she will come back and try to work this out. But then why would she leave? I feel like she is just giving me false hope, letting me go gently.

The whole time I knew it was because she was deciding whether she wanted to be in a relationship anymore. I still talk to her little sister (shes one of my closest friends, and wants us back together) to vent and she gives me updates from time to time.

How can I stop the urge to get at her? Should I just accept the fact that she's gone and its over? Should I stop talking to her little sister? How can I stop hurting, stop the crying? Ive heard stories about the break making couples stronger, can this really happen? I hate to feel as if Ive thrown away over 3 yrs of hard work and love, this makes me want to give her another chance. Even if I know I should just walk away and let us die... Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank all you guys for the great advice. This is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my life. We are on day 12 of NC and its so hard. I feel like im on the verge of texting her, how can i stop the urge to communicate? Do i post here for other questions or do i start a new thread?

If it's a question about the same subject you post here. If it's about another subject go to the appropriate site.:) Don't you break the NC promise. Be strong!

Its tough,but do it for yourself and your own healing process.
It does get easier.

Just keep adding to this thread when you need to.

Good luck.

Its tough,but do it for yourself and your own healing process.
It does get easier.

Just keep adding to this thread when you need to.

Good luck.




Stay Strong Sweetie! :)

I feel like I'm on the verge of texting her, how can I stop the urge to communicate?

For the first time in your adult life, you are facing the all very new CHALLENGE of building a life that you enjoy without HER, or HER FAMILY in it.

You're right, it's a difficult challenge, but that's all it is, is a hard challenge, that can be over come with thought, and PLANNING.

It think it starts with a positive plan to cope with your own feelings.

Have you read the stickies yet?

Merged and edited



She wanted 2 months, but says it could shorter (or longer) and that she will come back and try to work this out. But then why would she leave? i feel like she is just giving me false hope, letting me go gently.

The whole time i knew it was because she was deciding whether or not she wanted to be in a relationship anymore. I still talk to her little sister (shes one of my closest friends, and wants us back together) to vent and she gives me updates from time to time.

How can I stop the urge to get at her? Should I just accept the fact that shes gone and its over? Should i stop talking to her little sister? How can i stop hurting, stop the crying? Ive heard stories about the break making couples stronger, can this really happen? I hate to feel as if Ive thrown away over 3 yrs of hard work and love, this makes me want to give her another chance. Even if I know I should just walk away and let us die.... Any help would be greatly appreciated.

She's gone.. Get over it. Life doesn't always turn out the way you want!
Stop being a carpet and stop wallowing. It's over... Sorry buddy that's all I can say.

Oops, I wish I would have read the answers before I put a new thread up, my bad but Im new to this so Im sorry. Yes it is a very hard challenge. My whole life revolved her. I basically left the majority of my old friends because they were bad influences on me. I've made some new friends, but most of my free time was with her. This is why its so hard, I have to change my whole life. I guess my real question is, should I just get at her and tell her I can't wait around no more and its over, or do I give her more time?

oops, I wish i would have read the answers before I put a new thread up, my bad but Im new to this so Im sorry. Yes it is a very hard challenge. My whole life revolved her. I basically left the majority of my old friends becasue they were bad influences on me. I've made some new friends, but most of my free time was with her. This is why its so hard, I have to change my whole life. I guess my real question is, should I just get at her and tell her I can't wait around no more and its over, or do i give her more time?

Don't tell her anything! You owe her nothing! She doesn't care about where you are or how you feel. If you have to change your whole life do it! Sweetie don't make this woman your whole reason for existing. Write it off as a learning experience and get on with living!:)

She's gone.. Get over it. Life doesn't always turn out the way you want!
Stop being a carpet and stop wallowing. It's over...Sorry buddy that's all I can say.

My bad if it feels like I'm wallowing, but the pain of the break is still fresh. This was my first true love and I am the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve kitkat. I give everything I do 100%. Whether its homework, helping my little sister learn to add, being at work, in a relationship, or helping a friend. I now know that this isn't always the best, as people take advantage of you and step on you. Since we haven't "offically" broken up, should I just call and end it?

Hi Adro, your last new thread was merged with your older one so as not confuse others as we recommend keeping the story in one place so all the facts and updates can be viewed together. Please review the changes made, and feedback is more than welcome, and questions also.

You know, I can relate to you. I know the pain, all too well, unfortunately. Pain is a tough emotion to feel. Sometimes it is tough to move onto unfamiliar territory. You know how it was with her and for the most part, you enjoyed it and loved it. Her missing, will push you to new territory, a place where you fear will be worse and alone. We try to grab onto what is most familiar to us so that we don't have to change. We hold on no matter how much pain it causes us because at least we know that pain which is also familiar and moving to new territory may have pain far worse. Being okay before her was natural, but after being with her and then seeing her leave, now makes you feel more alone than ever and that is normal. You have to take a risk and even if it is little by little, you have to go towards new territory. You have to realize that you have to try something to stop feeling this way and that maybe the two of you were brought into each others' lives for a purpose and now that it is fulfilled, it had to end. By the signs you were getting was fate's way of warning you that the purpose has ended and it's time to go.

You will be okay, but you have to continue taking care of yourself. How many people have exs and then come here saying they fell in love and have new problems? This is now your ex and you will have other girlfriends. Just relax and stay busy doing things you enjoy. Make a list and tackle them daily. If I'm doing it and I know it's very hard, so can you! Hang in the buddy.

Don't tell her anything! You owe her nothing! She doesn't care about where you are or how you feel. If you have to change your whole life do it! Sweetie don't make this woman your whole reason for existing. Write it off as a learning experience and get on with living!:)

So I should just not talk to her all at anymore? The thing I'm scared of the most is that the last memory I have of seeing her is making passionate and beautiful love together. The last thing we told each other when we went on the break was I love you. Walking away from that is extremely difficult. Its like pulling the plug on a loved on who is on life support, after you had a fun time with them the night before. You know as soon as its done, they die.

My bad if it feels like im wallowing, but the pain of the break is still fresh. This was my first true love and I am the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve kitkat. I give everything I do 100%. Whether its homework, helping my little sister learn to add, being at work, in a relationship, or helping a friend. I now know that this isnt always the best, as people take advantage of you and step on you. Since we havent "offically" broken up, should i just call and end it?

You are a nice, nice young man and I hate to see nice people being used.

There are probably a hundred girls out there who would love to go out with you.

Break up with her and start slowly seeing other girls. Sometimes women don't know what they have till it's gone and call me Kit.:)

I think you go 100%no contact,including updates on her life from family and her friends.

I know it sucks,and you're hurting,but honestly,why take a break-if the relationship is solid,any misunderstandings and problems are worked out within the relationship,you don't go on breaks.

You know, I can relate to you. I know the pain, all too well, unfortunately. Pain is a tough emotion to feel. Sometimes it is tough to move onto unfamiliar territory. You know how it was with her and for the most part, you enjoyed it and loved it. Her missing, will push you to new territory, a place where you fear will be worse and alone. We try to grab onto what is most familiar to us so that we don't have to change. We hold on no matter how much pain it causes us because at least we know that pain which is also familiar and moving to new territory may have pain far worse. Being okay before her was natural, but after being with her and then seeing her leave, now makes you feel more alone than ever and that is normal. You have to take a risk and even if it is little by little, you have to go towards new territory. You have to realize that you have to try something to stop feeling this way and that maybe the two of you were brought into each others' lives for a purpose and now that it is fulfilled, it had to end. By the signs you were getting was fate's way of warning you that the purpose has ended and it's time to go.

You will be okay, but you have to continue taking care of yourself. How many people have exs and then come here saying they fell in love and have new problems? This is now your ex and you will have other girlfriends. Just relax and stay busy doing things you enjoy. Make a list and tackle them daily. If I'm doing it and I know it's very hard, so can you! Hang in the buddy.



Wow man u hit everything right on the head. I can't imagine my life without her, and to hear you call her my ex is heart wrenching. I always felt like me and her were always meant to be. A part of me feels like I owe her my life, because I feel like she saved me from drugs and the street. We saved each other and it really made me feel as if we'd be together forever. I never thought of this the way you put it, that the signs were fate's way of saying our purposed was fulfilled. It makes sense, painful sense, but sense nonetheless. At the same time, I wish I had never met her. Then I wouldn't have to feel this bad.

Wow man u hit everything right on the head. I can't imagine my life without her, and to hear you call her my ex is heart wrenching. I always felt like me and her were always meant to be. A part of me feels like I owe her my life, because I feel like she saved me from drugs and the street. We saved each other and it really made me feel as if we'd be together forever. I never thought of this the way you put it, that the signs were fate's way of saying our purposed was fulfilled. It makes sense, painful sense, but sense nonetheless. At the same time, I wish I had never met her. Then I wouldn't have to feel this bad.

Time... that's all you have to do is give yourself time to mend. It won't be easy but it will get better... Hugs:)

I think you go 100%no contact,including updates on her life from family and her friends.

I know it sucks,and you're hurting,but honestly,why take a break-if the relationship is solid,any misunderstandings and problems are worked out within the relationship,you dont go on breaks.

This is exactly what I told her. That adults who really want to make it work will talk it out and fix it. She kept saying break this and break that. I know I got to go 100% NC but its hard when at one point all we wanted to do was be with each other and nothing else. I made the mistake of making her my everything. I believe in karma. In the beginning I was the one pushing her away and not wanting to hang out. But it was before we fell in love, Im not excusing it but it's the truth. Now that our relationship grew, she's doing to me what I did to her before.

This is exactly what i told her. That adults who really wanna make it work will talk it out and fix it. She kept saying break this and break that. I know i gotta go 100% NC but its hard when at one point all we wanted to do was be with each other and nothing else. I made the mistake of making her my everything. I believe in karma. In the beginning I was the one pushing her away and not wanting to hang out. But it was before we fell in love, Im not excusing it but its the truth. Now that our relationship grew, shes doing to me what i did to her before.

Move on sweetie... who knows what the future holds?:)

You are a nice, nice young man and I hate to see nice people being used.

There are probably a hundred girls out there who would love to go out with you.

Break up with her and start slowly seeing other girls. Sometimes women don't know what they have till it's gone and call me Kit.:)

Im not going to lie, I know I'm a nice guy. But sometimes I think Im nice to a fault. Many people mistake kindness for weakness and take advantage of you and use you. I feel really used right now. I know eventually it'll get better, but like I said I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know this is going to take a long time Kit. I don't know if I can break it off with her yet, I feel as if I talk to her right now I still will be very emotional and break down. Wish I could speed up the clock...

Im not gonna lie, I know im a nice guy. But sometimes i think Im nice to a fault. Many ppl mistake kindness for weakness and take advantage of you and use you. I feel really used right now. I know eventually it'll get better, but like I said i wear my emotions on my sleeve. I know this is going to take a long time Kit. I dont know if I can break it off with her yet, I feel as if I talk to her right now I still will be very emotional and break down. Wish i could speed up the clock.....

Go running.. go to the gym... :)

You still have to carry on with your life, your work and education.

You need to get your life back on track and move forward.

Personally, if someone were to ask me for a break,and dictating the rules for this so called break,I'd be gone.

You still have to carry on with your life, your work and education.

You need to get your life back on track and move forward.

Personally, if someone were to ask me for a break,and dictating the rules for this so called break,I'd be gone.

I agree with Amicon... You're waiting for her to ask you back... Don't count on it. Get on with your life.:)

You still have to carry on with your life, your work and education.

You need to get your life back on track and move forward.

Personally, if someone were to ask me for a break,and dictating the rules for this so called break,I'd be gone.

Im trying really really hard to get my life back on track. I graduate from college this June with a degree in HR management and corporate management. This should be the happiest time in my life, instead its probably one of the saddest times of my life. Ironic huh?

She didn't dictate the rules. I asked her if she knew how breaks work, and said no. So I told her the break was all hers so she needed to come up with how it worked. She said no physical interaction, limited communication (I knew id go into NC right away though), and we stay true to each (meaning not seeing other people).


I agree with Amicon...You're waiting for her to ask you back....Don't count on it. Get on with your life.:)

Yea I know I'm waiting for her to come back to me, and it gets easier everyday that passes. Even it the change is so small you need a microscope to see the change, it does get easier. Somedays I feel hella strong and Im happy for a little while, but other days I feel really weak and want to grab my phone and hit her up. Reading other people's stories and interacting with others who are at various stages of this hella helps though. Thanks everyone for trying to help me, talking is how I cope. I don't really have many close friends who I can go to and vent to, she was one of the only ones I felt comfortable with doing this to. So thank you guys.

That's what I mean by 'her' rules.
And you're supposed to stick to them?
Waiting around in limbo?

For two months?

To my mind a 'clean' break up is more honest,at least mostly people know where they are with that and can start picking up the pieces and move on.

Thats what I mean by 'her' rules.
And you're supposed to stick to them?
Waiting around in limbo?

For two months?

To my mind a 'clean' break up is more honest,at least mostly people know where they are with that and can start picking up the pieces and move on.

You have us!:D

Thats what I mean by 'her' rules.
And you're supposed to stick to them?
Waiting around in limbo?

For two months?

To my mind a 'clean' break up is more honest,at least mostly people know where they are with that and can start picking up the pieces and move on.

Yea this is totally unfair for me, as I did not do anything to induce the break. I didn't do her wrong, always let her do whatever, stayed true, and gave her my all. I want another chance to talk to her though. Not to try to convince her to come back, but to at least let her know she can't play people like this. She has to realize that she can't treat people like this, humans have feelings. So then maybe at least another guy won't be in the same boat as me.

Dude, same thing happened to me.
I treated my ex lie a queen.

One thing Ive learned is that after she dumped me, she didn't deserve anything else from me.

She might learn, might not. But certainly not up to you to tell her.

Why are you worried about her next guy anyway. That's crazy.

Just focus on you, not her.

I totally agree with the others, and would simply disappear and do my own thing and let her figure it out on her own. Her terms are unacceptable, and don't deserve agreement or rejection. Simply disappear and look forward.

That what wearing your heart on a sleeve gets you, so put it away in a safe place, and protect it, until someone who deserves it comes along. She does NOT so to hell with her rules. Leave her alone, and ENFORCE your own.I guess its easy to see that I am not a nice guy, a good one if you let me be, but never nice!

talaniman is 100% correct... I believe it was you who posted in my thread a few weeks ago... I'm a deep thinker with OCD and wear my heart on my sleeve... I just broke up with a girl I was with 3 different times throughout the past 8 years and believed there was something real there emotionally, and I still like to believe there was... HOWEVER... even though its ripped me apart for weeks even though I was the one who ended it, just because of the history...

I just like to remember WHY I broke up with her, and why it didn't work before... It is true that NC works wonders because after each time me and this girl broke up I went that route... she was the one who always tried to get ahold of me which made it akward, id just ignore it up until just before the 3rd time we got together... its very hard now to do NC because its still fresh but there's a reason its so highly suggested here, and that's BECAUSE IT WORKS!

You may feel like this is the only girl in the world for you and you can't find what you found in her in another person but YOUR WRONG... you'll find someone who's much better FOR YOU in every aspect... I look at "breaks" as a form of toying with someone's emotions, there's always some cop out excuse for them... DO NOT fall into that... listen to everyone in this thread and move on and forget about her, take this from someone who has tortured themselves day after day about a person who really isn't worth the time of day just due to past emotional attachment, its history and stuff that hurt should never be repeated...


I feel your pain man, and I'm not just saying that... I know what its like to be apart from the person you THINK meant the world to you... but wallowing about it and over thinking/analyzing things is not the route to go, nor is waiting to just get hurt again...


- block/delete her off face book
- block her e-mail address from your hotmail or whatever e-mail you use
- delete/block her on msn or any IM you use
- delete her phone number from your cell phone...
- delete or store away old messages from her, put away all the stuff you got from her... i.e. cards, presents, pictures of her, etc anything that reminds you of her
- don't talk or think to/about her, the more you talk about it the more you'll think about it, take that from someone with OCD (u can imagine how hard it is for me)

You'll find someone better, in the meantime focus on work and school and making new friends/bonds

Dude, same thing happened to me.
I treated my ex lie a queen.

One thing Ive learned is that after she dumped me, she didnt deserve anything else from me.

She might learn, might not. But certainly not up to you to tell her.

Why are you worried about her next guy anyway. Thats crazy.

Just focus on you, not her.

Its not that I'm worried about her next guy, I just don't want anyone to feel the way I feel. Im such an unselfish person, its hella hard for me to be selfish. Even at a time right now when I have all the right to be selfish and probably should be selfish. How can you teach yourself to do something or give yourself something, when for your whole life you've been the one giving?

She's gone. That's how.

You have to love & give to yourself first. Others come after.

Oh one thing I forgot... dude do you think she is letting this bother her as much as its bothering you? That's an honest question... like do you think she's letting this pray on her mind and thinking in-depth and constantly like you are? I'm going to bet that the answer is no... you want to believe she may be... but honestly... if someone said 'they aren't SURE if they want to be with you' and they want a break and don't know if they want to be in a relationship... the chances are they already made up their mind they are just too much of a coward emotionally to be upfront about it... meanwhile your in misery because of someone else's inability to express themselves properly... when you REALLY think about that, you should be able to rationalize that your doing this to yourself for no reason... any person who will do something like that once will most likely do it again, in other words even IF she comes crawling back to you, your just prolonging your misery as opposed to finding someone you've never met before and know nothing about and building a brand new relationship from the ground up with them... you never know who you'll find out there, could be the best person you've ever met that you may pass up because of dwindling feelings for something that was

Again very true Brain.

Were devastated & they have already moved on, probably way before.

Funny how that works when you have a broken heart.

She's gone. That's how.

You have to love & give to yourself first. Others come after.

Quote by MBIMD,
You never know who you'll find out there, could be the best person you've ever met that you may pass up because of dwindling feelings for something that was


Well said, straight to the point, and no BS in between.

I agree with Van and Talaniman.

Thank all you guys for all the great advice. It really helps hearing from people who have gone this before. I felt really alone for a long time in my pain, but this site really helped me out.

But I still can't decide on what to do, on whether to hit her up or not. Sometimes I want to hit her up and tell her I can't be waiting for her anymore, that I'm gone forever. Other times I don't want to hit her up, just keep trying to forget her. But I know we will talk one day, and I'm coming to the realization that she's not coming back to me. And I feel that when I get the confirmation that its done 100% and the break turns into break up, I will go back to square 1. Why shouldn't I just get it over with so that day 1 starts again while its only been 2 weeks, instead of waiting and day 1 starts again after like a month or more?

How about leaving her alone and dealing with yourself and see how you feel after you have healed properly. Be it a month, decade, a year, or forever.

When in doubt, think before you act or speak, but informing her of your intentions is a bad move. KEEP NC!

I think you have already gotten your confirmation.

Just don't wish to realize it.

Didn't sound like she was really invested in you anyway.

These "breaks" especially with young girls are just a way to do what they really want & maybe have you waiting as a backup plan.

Stay NC & have your own fun without her. That's what she's doing.

Forget this BS "time limit" to wait around for her. That's stupid.

It has now been exactly two weeks of NC. Man is this NC stuff hard. But I have a question, is it still considered NC if I still talk to the little sister? For example, we talked earlier today and she said my ex (still getting use to saying that) still asks about me. She gives me the impression that she's coming back...

NC means no talking to her family and friends,and getting updates.

Sorry,but as long as you keep getting those updates you're not in complete no contact.

It is starting to get easier and easier. While it is still hard, I can now notice the difference. I just have a quick question. Is there any strategies or anything you guys recommend to forget about her more? What I'm saying, is that I still see little reminders of her everywhere. Like I make a connection to her out of things that shouldn't. For example, my friend was talking to me about a basketball game that took place last year, and the first thing in my head was "i was still with her back then." Im getting better, like I don't dwell on the thought for long periods, but any recommendations for me guys?

That's good-it will get easier,day by day.

When the memories float to the surface, you distract yourself and get busy thinking about something else.

Its all normal,so don't worry.

Time and patience-and keeping busy will work wonders.

Those kinds of thoughts will pass away in time, as long as you don't dwell on them.

Its so hard. Im on day 16 of NC and today is one of those days where I don't feel strong. Yesterday was my college graduation festival. I got my cap & gown, ordered my invitations, took my grad photo, and ordered my class ring. Throughout the whole day, I kept thinking about how I wish I could share my moment of pride and extreme happiness with her. I had a grad dinner where the school honors all the graduates, you were allowed to bring one guest. All I could think about is how I wish she was there, to share my moment with me. How is it that even after all the pain and hurt she put me through, I still want to share the most important and precious moments of my life with her?

These are good exercises to learn how to enjoy things without her.

Keep it up.

Now the situation gets a little more confusing. So I was texting my exs little sister all day yesterday. Mostly talking about my upcoming graduation from college, I sent her a pix text of me in my cap & gown. While we were texting, she sends me a text that said "(my exs name here) wants to know if she can go to your graduation." I didn't know how to respond, because I want my exs mom and little sister there but I don't want my ex there. This feeling can change, as I don't graduate until June 12th. But as of right now, I don't want my ex there. I told her 2 tell my ex if she want to go she has to hit me up and ask me herself. Then I say, "why would you wanna go to your exs graduation?" Her little sister says "Cuz (my exs name here) says your not her ex." Im trying to move on with my life and forget about her, but that made me feel really good Im not going to lie. Then I got back to reality and tried to push that thought out of my head, because she is my ex to me. I told her little sister this, and she said, "but your not exs....." so we kept texting throughout my day at work. Her little sister says that even if me and my ex don't get back together, my ex still wants to be at my graduation. All day I kept telling myself to not get filled with false hope. She then told me my ex was going to counseling at her college next week. I asked her why, and she said it was because my ex has a lot going on in her life right now and needs help sorting out her emotions. (my ex was always bad at this). Her little sister says my ex wants an unbiased opinion and advice. This means that her little sister tells her how stupid she is for leaving, and that her friends keep telling her to leave me. (I hate her friends now). After I got off work, me and her little sister talked on the phone for a long time and had a really good talk. We talked about our day, my graduation, my ex, her relationship with her boyfriend, and just life in general. But now I can't figure out how to feel about all of this. When I talked to my friends about this, they are now all convinced that she will come back to me. They say she's going to see counseling because she knows she has a problem and is trying to change. Im not trying to get my hopes up, so I have the same attitude as I did before. Im just focusing on me, and when she does get at me, I will see how I feel if she indeed wants to try us again. But I'm not holding my breathe right now. Or at least I'm trying not to, I feel like sub-conciously I might be getting filled with false hope. Should I read anything into the counseling thing, or is our situation still the same? Is this a sign that she realizes she has a problem, or has she made her decision already and is looking for validation? Please help, I don't know how or what to feel about her anymore. Any advice would be great right now.

Don't hold your breath.

For now as good as it feels to communicate with her family and little sis its only going to lead to false hope. Every little thing she says you will read into and somehow tie it back to you and your EX. I have been there before and honestly wish I would have went total NC from day one. It took me so long to get over her because we both couldn't let go. All those things you said I thought was true of me and my ex. I knew and everyone else "knew" that we would get back together. Only we aren't! Just be careful man and really listen to what people say on this site. Don't fall into the trap of false hope. It makes the break up so much harder.

What the freak makes you think little sis knows what the freak she is talking about.

Get that kid out of grown folks business, and don't you know that children should be seen and not heard.!

Why would a grown man be listening to a child with an OBVIOUS agenda?? You have got to be kidding, and should have broken contact to begin with.

At least lay down the law as to what can be discussed. Your personal business is off limits.

You're not doing NC so long as you keep getting these biased updates.

Cut the contact and start moving on for real.

For now as good as it feels to communicate with her family and lil sis its only going to lead to false hope. Every lil thing she says you will read into and somehow tie it back to you and your EX. I have been there before and honestly wish I would of went total NC from day one. It took me so long to get over her because we both couldnt let go. All those things you said I thought was true of me and my ex. I knew and everyone else "knew" that we would get back together. Only we aren't! Just be carefull man and really listen to what people say on this site. Dont fall into the trap of false hope. It makes the break up soo much harder.

Yea I'm starting to wish I would have went NC from not just her, but her whole family day one. Its just so hard, because her little sister is such a close friend to me. And their mom is like a 2nd mom to me, actually she is more of a mom to me than my biological mom is. I don't want to just push people away from me who have done nothing but been good and show me a lot of love and support. I know that deep down in my heart my ex isn't coming back. Its just that I sometimes get confused, because everyone around me says she will come back. My family, my friends, her little sister, classmates, my boss, everyone! Everyone says she's not as stupid as to throw away over 3 yrs. But I know she already has. Overayear1, how long did it take you to get over your ex? Because I feel as if both me and my ex can't let go, even though our time has come.

Just to clear things up, my exs little sister is only 1 yr younger than my ex. They're basically the same age. I know its still kind of young, but you also got to realize that I'm still kind of young. Its not like a 28 year old is talking to a 15 year old high school student guys haha. How can I ignore the little sister who comes to me for advice and stuff? And their mom considers me a close friend, not just a daughters boyfriend. This is where being a nice guy and having everyone like you sucks...

You don't listen to people's opinions,you look at,in this case,her actions.

They say it all.

And,yes,sometimes we have to walk away from people who have been our friends when there is a break/breakup.


All this secondguessing and overanalyzing leaves you confused,so you make a choice to either remain confused,or go radiosilence on these people and allow yourself to move forward.

It's up to you.

You dont listen to people's opinions,you look at,in this case,her actions.

They say it all.

And,yes,sometimes we have to walk away from people who have been our friends when there is a break/breakup.


All this secondguessing and overanalyzing leaves you confused,so you make a choice to either remain confused,or go radiosilence on these people and allow yourself to move forward.

It's up to you.

Wow amicon, you give great advice. A lot of people on this great site give great advice. This site gives me a place to vent, and to come to on those days when I don't feel so strong. And thank all of you guys for this. What you stated is exactly why I think my ex isn't coming back, her actions. She left, so she is gone. Everyone is so convinced that this counseling thing is a good thing, that she thinks she has a problem and is trying to fix it. I hate being filled with false hope. I've decided to go completely NC with her family as well. So that I can really move forward. Im going to be on this site a lot more now, because it is going to be really really hard to leave the other people. I credit them with me finishing college, they believed in me when even I didn't believe in me. This is going to be hard.

Thank you and come here whenever you need to.

You've made a wise decision,total NC with all of them,no matter how hard that is WILL make things much less confusing and you can start moving on.

Its not an easy path to follow,but I know you will be OK.

One day at the time.

Yea I feel like Im going to be on this site for a long time. I have started helping other people who have just gotten dumped also, I find that it helps also. Im really trying to take it one day at a time, but its so hard because they were in my life everyday. They were a big part of my life. They were my family more than my real family is. I really loved those people. Its been 2 days with NC with the family. I already want to call

Join the party, every single person here has been through those very same feelings. Some more than others, but we stick it out, and get healthy again.

So will you.

This is a party I wish I wasn't invited to haha. I was reading another post, and it said that hope dies last. This is so very true. This whole "break" gives false hope, I know that when she does come calling back to say that she doesn't want to give it another try I'm going to be devastated again. Back to square 1. No matter how much I feel I've gotten over her, I know this is what will happen. Im doing a lot better lately, but I woke up this morning feeling weak. I dreamed about her, it was so good and felt so real. Then I woke up and just cried. It hurts more because I know I'm the last thing on her mind.

Helping others is a great thing and by doing that you'll find you grow as a person.

This girl doesn't define who you are,whether she turns up in your dreams or possible tries to get in touch weeks down the line to give you
'the final chop' is really not important.

What is important is how you handle yourself now.

Nobody has any power over you-unless you let them.

You're the emotional romantic type huh? I get it.

Helping others is a great thing and by doing that you'll find you grow as a person.

This girl doesnt define who you are,whether she turns up in your dreams or possible tries to get in touch weeks down the line to give you
'the final chop' is really not important.

What is important is how you handle yourself now.

Nobody has any power over you-unless you let them.


Helping others is always good. I love helping people, and having other people like you guys help me makes me feel reall good. I hate how I give her so much power over me. I feel like NC is going to be good and help me stop giving her power. I feel like I'm getting better lately though, I'm at school now and I got work later on today so that should keep my mind occupied. I feel stronger now than I did this morning

You're the emotional romantic type huh? I get it.

Really I'm not. Or maybe I am now. I was never like this before. Then I found myself getting to be like this after getting with her. I am romantic, but I was never hella emotional until now. I do feel like I am changing. Is it wrong to be this way?

There is no right or wrong to who you are, if you're happy with it.

"I hate how I give her so much power over me"

Doesn't that suck...

All in your mind now, buddy. She isn't around.

"I do feel like I am changing. Is it wrong to be this way?"

Change is all you need & more of it!!

Whooo Hooo!!

There is no right or wrong to who you are, if you're happy with it.

Yea I agree with your statement, just don't know if I like the way I'm changing. I do feel like I've grown as a person in this relationship, but at the same time Im opening myself up to get hurt. Like I've never been in this much emotional/mental pain. I don't like how other people can hurt me so much because Im much more open towards people. Guess I just need time. How do you make the clock move faster haha. 4 real though...


"I do feel like I am changing. Is it wrong to be this way?"

Change is all you need & more of it!!!

Whooo Hooo!!!!

Yea I know its all in my head. As more time passes I am starting to realize this more and more. I do need change, I want change. But now I'm hella scared. Im not scared of being by myself, but of going through this again. Its not much incentive when all you do is love, always be there for the other people, are always understanding, never did the other person wrong, and always had their back and all you get is this. Not much incentive at all.

You can still love & be there for people. Just not her.

Nothing to be scared about. Just a life lesson to become more aware for later.

That's the incentive. To learn from this and become stronger.

Adro, I just read through your thread - you're doing great, you will get there with time. Keep on living life and let time do its thing.

I just got over a 2.5 year, first love breakup as well, that started with the too familiar "break" idea on her part. You can see from my thread this site was such a help. I started and sounded just like you did. I couldn't imagine life without her. But now after several months I am already posting new questions in the dating section about a new girl I met. I can't imagine ever wanting my ex back even if she came running to me.

Time does heal, you will find someone else, you are young and will laugh about this in the future. You may feel deceived, hurt, may feel low-confidence, and you will never understand. But in time you will realize those feelings are not sincere and understanding does not matter. You will realize yourself worth again and realize someone better deserves you.

Keep at it man. Move forward, a brighter day is in the future

You change for yourself,when and if you feel the need to.

When people behave in a hurtful manner,its up to us how we allow ourselves to feel once the initial shock has worn off.

We can make the choice to let go of that pain and not let it affect us anymore.

As for time,it tends to pass more quickly when we keep ourselves busy.

As you learn about yourself, and find the direction you want to go, you will be much more able to take reasonable risks with your own heart, and though things happen beyond your control, you will have developed better coping skills for yourself, that may even make you bolder.

I swear it makes a difference when you have an exit strategy, based on experience, trial, and error you can fall back on. It still sucks every time, but at least you are better prepared for it, and know what to do about your own emotions.

Its all about how you cope with your own feelings, no matter the situation. Sorry, growing is a process you can't control.

Adro, I just read through your thread - you're doing great, you will get there with time. Keep on living life and let time do its thing.

I just got over a 2.5 year, first love breakup as well, that started with the too familiar "break" idea on her part. You can see from my thread this site was such a help. I started and sounded just like you did. I couldn't imagine life without her. But now after several months I am already posting new questions in the dating section about a new girl I met. I can't imagine ever wanting my ex back even if she came running to me.

Time does heal, you will find someone else, you are young and will laugh about this in the future. You may feel deceived, hurt, may feel low-confidence, and you will never understand. But in time you will realize those feelings are not sincere and understanding does not matter. You will realize your self worth again and realize someone better deserves you.

Keep at it man. Move forward, a brighter day is in the future

I just read your thread robinboston and its very good to read something that is kind of similar to my situation and going through it not that long ago. I really hope I can laugh at all of this later on. I am getting over it, but I don't know if Im ever going to remember this time without associating it with pain and hurt. Im really happy for you man, Im glad your heart let you grow feelings for someone else. Because mine right now just wants to be alone.

You change for yourself,when and if you feel the need to.

When people behave in a hurtful manner,its up to us how we allow ourselves to feel once the initial shock has worn off.

We can make the choice to let go of that pain and not let it affect us anymore.

As for time,it tends to pass more quickly when we keep ourselves busy.

Even though its been almost a month, I still don't think the shock has completely worn off yet. I still can't believe that one day its all "i love you so much" and the next day she's gone. It really is getting easier, and NC is really helping. My problem is that she's still on my mind a lot. While its not 24/7 anymore like it use to be, I still think about her too much. Stuff that I use to like and think of with a smile (I work really close to her moms house and use to like the feeling of knowing she's five minutes away) I now hate.

As you learn about yourself, and find the direction you want to go, you will be much more able to take reasonable risks with your own heart, and though things happen beyond your control, you will have developed better coping skills for yourself, that may even make you bolder.

I swear it makes a difference when you have an exit strategy, based on experience, trial, and error you can fall back on. It still sucks every time, but at least you are better prepared for it, and know what to do about your own emotions.

Its all about how you cope with your own feelings, no matter the situation. Sorry, growing is a process you can't control.

Everything is hella true that you said. Ive never been in this situation before, so all this pain is brand new to me. I am learning to cope though a lot better, this site and the people on her are a god-send. I know for sure though that if I hadn't found this site I would have gone through more pain. I know I wouldn't have been able to go NC without all you guys support. Thanks everyone.

The pain lessens day by day-as you seem to have noticed.

The thoughts of 'the happy times'will lessen as well.

It takes time,but you have come quite some way since you first came here.

Thanks amicon, I feel like I have come a long way also. Time does heal, even if its just a tiny bit day by day. I just feel bad sometimes because I have so many reminders of her everywhere. I work close to your house, she gave me her cell phone, she bought like half of my clothes, her name is my password to all my log ins, and so much more. The thing that gets to me the most is when I see other couples in public. I always think of her when I see others holding hands, when I hear certain songs, when I see someone driving the car she has. I don't know why my heart likes torturing itself like this.

Then change the things you can change,such as your passwords,and pack stuff up and put it out of your sight.

And when you hear the songs,switch them off.

When you see the happy couples,be happy for them.

"I always think of her when I see others holding hands, when I hear certain songs, when i see someone driving the car she has"

Adro - that is going to occur for a while. You sound EXACTLY how I sounded in the beginning. I couldn't look at couples or listen to music without wanting to cry. Reminders were everywhere.

BUT, In time, those reminders will still be there and you will think of her, but it will be a different feeling. I am reminded of my ex all the time, but it has become a nostalgia type of feeling. Like a memory. You're pain and longing will fade into memory and acceptance.

For example, I have to drive by a restaurant near my house almost dailiy that was "our restaurant" - we went there all the time. I felt like crying for the first month or so driving by. Now I am able to look and think for a second, then laugh it off and just be happy for the memory.

Forgiveness, time, and knowing this is what is meant to be. You are meant to be happier and you will be. Just let it happen.

By the way, I started going to the gym every single day after my breakup. It made me feel sooo much better physically and emotionally. It helped take up time, and gave me something else to think about, and gave me confidence. I also now get looks and compliments from other girls, which helps since I am out there again. This might be something that would help you.

Adro... you sound like everyone of us sounded... or still sounds . But you need to be strong. Keep yourself busy... and remember.. you have to love yourself first.. it's your obligation... life goes on.. I know it is hard to believe.. trust me, I find it hard too... but it's simple as that. We are growing (in any ages) and learning from our experiences and becoming better persons..
Take care..

Then change the things you can change,such as your passwords,and pack stuff up and put it out of your sight.

And when you hear the songs,switch them off.

When you see the happy couples,be happy for them.

Im trying really really hard amicon to do those things. Whenever I saw couples I was always happy for them. I knew what I felt like holding my ladys (my exs) hand and being happy with her, and I would always be happy for them because I knew that they were feeling the same thing. Its been almost a month and the good days are finally starting to outnumber the bad days, but the mornings and nights are the hardest. That's when I feel the most alone. Ive got a long way to go.

I don't think its as long as you imagine it.

You are growing,as a person,in leaps and bounds.

Get a routine for your mornings,jump out of bed and get busy.

And make sure you are tired enough,maybe from physical exercise,to be able to drop off straight away when you go to bed at night.

"I always think of her when I see others holding hands, when I hear certain songs, when i see someone driving the car she has"

Adro - that is going to occur for a while. You sound EXACTLY how I sounded in the beginning. I couldn't look at couples or listen to music without wanting to cry. Reminders were everywhere.

BUT, In time, those reminders will still be there and you will think of her, but it will be a different feeling. I am reminded of my ex all the time, but it has become a nostalgia type of feeling. Like a memory. You're pain and longing will fade into memory and acceptance.

For example, I have to drive by a restaurant near my house almost dailiy that was "our restaurant" - we went there all the time. I felt like crying for the first month or so driving by. Now I am able to look and think for a second, then laugh it off and just be happy for the memory.

Forgiveness, time, and knowing this is what is meant to be. You are meant to be happier and you will be. Just let it happen.

By the way, I started going to the gym every single day after my breakup. It made me feel sooo much better physically and emotionally. It helped take up time, and gave me something else to think about, and gave me confidence. I also now get looks and compliments from other girls, which helps since I am out there again. This might be something that would help you.

RB I read your thread about your breakup and I see a lot of similarites between our situations. Of course its not 100% dead on, but there's tons of similarites. It gives me so much hope reading your thread, it gives me hope that I can move on and be happy again. Im a little younger than u, but I am also about to graduate this June, and like u, my life will be changing drastically very soon. You were very strong from the get go, much more stronger than I was and more stronger than I am right now. You are an amazing individual in the fact that you were able to convince yourself to let go and you stuck by it. Im moving on with my life, but I know deep down inside I still have hope she will come back to me. Hope dies last. And I'm the type of person who won't stop trying until the fat lady sings, never quit until its really over. The problem with this time is that I feel like the fat lady already sung, and it already really is over, but I just don't want to accept it. People on this site tell me to look at her actions, she left so she is gone. I know this is true, and I don't know why my brain cannot convince my heart of this. My heart loves to torture itself. I really hope I can get to your level one day RB. My ex has not tried to contact me since the first week of our "break." This hurts the most, because it shows that she isn't even thinking or missing me. I keep trying to tell myself who cares, but in reality, I still care. And that sucks. I can't wait for the day when I can drive by something and be like you RB, not wanting to cry and not thinking of what went wrong. What do you mean by forgiveness, what do I forgive? And the acceptance part is going to be hard to achieve. She saved my life, I felt I owed her all of me, felt like I owed her my life for doing this. She felt like this at one point too, and that had both of us convinced we would be together forever. Our relationship was really really deep, imagine dating your superhero. Now imagine your superhero doesn't even want to see you. Wow. Sorry for the length of my rant/ramble, but felt like I really needed to vent right now.

Adro... you sound like everyone of us sounded... or still sounds . but you need to be strong. keep yourself busy... and remember.. you have to love yourself first.. it's your obligation... life goes on.. i know it is hard to believe.. trust me, I find it hard too... but it's simple as that. we are growing (in any ages) and learning from our experiences and becoming better persons..
take care ..

Its really hard to believe right now. I know that time helps, as it has helped me greatly, but I can't imagine myself with someone else. Ive been going out with my friends a lot lately, and Ive seen and talked to hella girls. The problem is that my heart doesn't want anyone else right now. I can't seem to to push her out of there yet, and it sucks. Im trying really hard to love myself, like during this "break" Im doing me. Im hanging out my friends and family a lot more now, and doing stuff I use to like to do but gave up for her (like play basketball). My biggest fear is that I will be too scared to open up for another female and too scared to offer her my heart, because I don't want to get hurt again. Im not that type of person, Im not scared of taking chances, but this situation really hurt me. Emotional pain/heartache hurts so much more than physical pain. A bruise will go away by itself after a couple days, a broken heart my never heal...

Hello,

I couldn't even read all of that because it was way too long, but just from this {she wants a break to appreciate me more } tells me enough.

My opinion, she wants a break because she doesn't want you anymore. Everyone misses and realizes the truth once they're gone, but that's supposed to be their lesson for future experiences of similar grounds. If she leaves, let her leave. She'll really learn to appreciate the next man/girl from the get-go.

Hello,

I couldn't even read all of that because it was way too long, but just from this {she wants a break to appreciate me more } tells me enough.

My opinion, she wants a break because she doesn't want you anymore. Everyone misses and realizes the truth once they're gone, but that's supposed to be their lesson for future experiences of similar grounds. If she leaves, let her leave. She'll really learn to appreciate the next man/girl from the get-go.

Thanks for your input. She doesn't want me anymore but she doesn't have the guts to tell me straight up, that's what I knew was really up. I feel like I deserve more than this, If you don't want me then tell me. At least respect me enough to let me heal without false hope. I hate being the guinea pig, someone else is going to get it better because of me. Story of my life. Something I did and put everything into, someone else will enjoy the fruits of my labor. Sucks big time, just wondering when am I going to enjoy the fruits of my own labor?

Thanks for your input. She doesnt want me anymore but she doesnt have the guts to tell me straight up, thats what I knew was really up. I feel like i deserve more than this, If you dont want me then tell me. At least respect me enough to let me heal without false hope. I hate being the guinea pig, someone else is gonna get it better because of me. Story of my life. Something I did and put everything into, someone else will enjoy the fruits of my labor. Sucks big time, just wondering when am I gonna enjoy the fruits of my own labor?

Right, it''l happen though. That's what life is about. Some people come into our lives for a season, and some people are permanent. You just have to be able to distinguish one from the other.

You have learned your lesson to, so there... you have gained some fruitful knowledge for upcoming relationships (hopefully that isn't plural).

How long have you been with her. I know you may have it in your posting, but I have been on here for awhile and read many, so my eyes are tired, plus hgetting ready to leave work here by 5pm, and it is 4:50pm.

Just read through your entire post - so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to both you and the ex. You are doing the right thing though.

I met a guy when I was 17 and we dated for 3 years - totally in love, he was 2 years older than me. Eventually I felt like I needed to just experience life on my own since I never had done that. Wasn't that I didn't love him still, but I needed to learn to live on my own with out someone - see what was in the world. It was hard to break up with someone that I loved, but I didn't want to cheat on him or be tempted to. We took a few months off talking, and started dating other people then became friends. That was like 5 years ago now.

My posts on here are about a relationship that broke up a year ago to the day today - I had (still have) a lot of the same friends as my ex - that's how I met him through his friends, so I would run into him everywhere, and I was the person who was broken up with so I kept holding on to the hope that he would change. I wish I had been strong enough to go NC immediately as you have. You may not realize it, but it really gets rid of a lot of the drama -jsut read my thread. It took me about 5 months, but I started to really feel better and now I feel a lot better.

Stay no contact! Oh and he invited me to his graduation last year which was a month after we broke up - I went, but it was so strange. I love his family and they love me, but he treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe. He said he wanted me there, but didn't treat me like it. That might influence you to invite or not invite her to your graduation - it's a special day for you - don't make it weird by inviting her.

Keep up the NC - you will have good days and bad days - just don't cave in on your bad days - go day by day, and you will be so much better off in the end!

Right, it''l happen though. That's what life is about. Some people come into our lives for a season, and some people are permanant. You just have to be able to distinguish one from the other.

You have learned your lesson to, so there... you have gained some fruitful knowledge for upcoming relationships (hopefully that isn't plural).

How long have you been with her. I know you may have it in your posting, but I have been on here for awhile and read many, so my eyes are tired, plus hgetting ready to leave work here by 5pm, and it is 4:50pm.

Ive been with her for a little more than 3 years. Im sorry my post is so long, but you've probably got to read the whole thing to fully understand the whole story. Right now it feels like the fruitful knowlegde I have gained is that even when you give your absolute 100% to someone, they can still throw you away like garbage.

Just read thru your entire post - so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to both you and the ex. You are doing the right thing though.

I met a guy when I was 17 and we dated for 3 years - totally in love, he was 2 years older than me. Eventually I felt like I needed to just experience life on my own since I never had done that. Wasn't that I didn't love him still, but I needed to learn to live on my own with out someone - see what was in the world. It was hard to break up with someone that I loved, but I didn't want to cheat on him or be tempted to. we took a few months off of talking, and started dating other people then became friends. That was like 5 years ago now.

My posts on here are about a relationship that broke up a year ago to the day today - I had (still have) a lot of hte same friends as my ex - thats how I met him thru his friends, so I would run into him everywhere, and I was the person who was broken up with so I kept holding on to the hope that he would change. I wish I had been strong enough to go NC immediately as you have. You may not realize it, but it really gets rid of a lot of hte drama -jsut read my thread. It took me about 5 months, but I started to really feel better and now I feel a lot better.

Stay no contact! Oh and he invited me to his graduation last year which was a month after we broke up - i went, but it was so strange. I love his family and they love me, but he treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe. He said he wanted me there, but didn't treat me like it. That might influence you to invite or not invite her to your graduation - its a special day for you - dont make it weird by inviting her.

Keep up the NC - you will have good days and bad days - just don't cave in on your bad days - go day by day, and you will be so much better off in the end!

I can understand the feeling of wanting to know what the world has to offer and everything, I was that age not too long ago either. But my thing is, that while I was feeling those feelings, I was with her. I took her along for the ride. This is when the relationship just started, and I wasn't even close to loving her as much as I love her now (or did love her). I wasn't deep in love with her, but I still kept her around and grew to really really love her. I didn't just throw her away or be like "sorry but i wanna see what else the world has to offer, i.e. not be with you anymore because I think I can have a lot more fun without you." I think I made the right move because our relationship grew to be something extrodinary. But now she's the one throwing me away. I do not want her at my graduation, but she will be there, I know it. Ive gone NC with her, but I was still talking to her little sister and getting updates on her. I changed that because it led to me reading into everything she told me, and I knew she was telling my ex everything I was doing and saying. I have gone full NC with everyone associated with my ex. Hardest thing Ive had to do. I just want the days to move faster and faster. Thanks for the support though.

Update guys:
So Ive been doing really good the last few day. Really good actually. I had no bad days since I went full NC with everyone associated with my ex. Its been about a week since NC with her little sister, and I was talking to some of my friends at school about this. Then when Im driving from school to work, my exs little sister texts me. It was a simple hey what's up. I didn't know how to respond or if I should have responded at all. It took me like a hour to decide to respond. I just told her I was good and asked what she had been up to. She told me just school, then she asked for the date and time of my graduation. She said she and her mom wanted to ask for those days off. I didn't answer, partly because it was busy at work, but partly because I didn't know what to do. I know that if I tell them, my ex will know for sure and she will show up for sure. Im so confused and don't know what to do. I want the little sister and mom there, but not my ex. But I know that happen, its either all of them or none of them. I still haven't responded to that text. Any advice would be great right now, as I am really confused and this situation is making me think of my ex and its getting me down again after doing so good. Any advice would be great guys.

Its your graduation,a memory for life and if you don't want the ex there,that's your right,even if that means no other of her family members.

That's the way things go sometimes.

Go back to real NC now and don't text the sister.

If the ex shows up, it will ruin a day that is supposed to be special for u. How badly do you need the mom and sister there? It's all or nothing then you need to figure out what would be worse - mom and sister not there, or ex showing up.

The sister is definitely telling the ex everythign she talks to you about, any chance u can just call the mom and explain why you are not inviting them because it will hurt you and not that you don't still care. She might understand the situation better. If not, then she's not really a friend.

Remember people do take sides whether you want them to or not. Mom and sister will always be on your ex's side, even if you want to be their friend still. It will get awkward when you both move on to other relationshps to maintain a relationship with the mom and sister with out the ex being in the pic.

So, you need to figure out who is important to you enugh that you want them to share in the special occasion and invite those people

Its your graduation,a memory for life and if you dont want the ex there,thats your right,even if that means no other of her family members.

Thats the way things go sometimes.

Go back to real NC now and dont text the sister.

This is a really hard decision. Here's some of the things going through my head. I wanted to quit college many times, but each time my ex and her family would convince me to stick through it. They did everything they could to help me through it. Whether it was homework help, giving me moral support, and just being there for me. They believed I could always do it, even when I though for sure I could not do it.

I try to put myself in their situation, for three years you do everything you can to help someone graduate. Now that graduation is about a month a half away you don't get invited. Isn't that messed up, espcially since they didn't do anything.

Ami, your saying I shouldn't talk to the sister at all? It felt so good to know that at least someone in that family is still thinking of me

If the ex shows up, it will ruin a day that is supposed to be special for u. How badly do you need the mom and sister there? It's all or nothing then you need to figure out what would be worse - mom and sister not there, or ex showing up.

The sister is definitely telling the ex everythign she talks to you about, any chance u can just call the mom and explain why you are not inviting them because it will hurt you and not that you don't still care. She might understand the situation better. If not, then she's not really a friend.

Remember people do take sides whether you want them to or not. Mom and sister will always be on your ex's side, even if you want to be their friend still. It will get awkward when you both move on to other relationshps to maintain a relationship with the mom and sister with out the ex being in the pic.

So, you need to figure out who is important to you enugh that you want them to share in teh special occasion and invite those people


This is great advice, without putting much thought into it, my ex showing up would be worse. I know that if she showed up, my whole day would be ruined. At the same time I really want her family to be there. They helped me so much, they did so much for me in the 3+ years. They knew the struggle I went through to graduate, they had so much faith and confidence in me. They believed in me when no one, not even me, believed in me. They were so proud of me graduating. My graduation was a special date to them, and now I won't invite them? Wow.

I def know that her little sister is telling my ex everything, and that at the end of the day, her family will have her back. That's why I really want to stop talking to her family, but its hard. I was thinking of calling her mom and talking to her, but I already know that she will be greatly hurt if I do not invite her. You say that if she doesn't understand she's not a real friend, I feel like I'm not a real friend if I just push them away.

Her little sister told me one time that no matter what happens, all of them (even my ex) want to be at my graduation. I don't know what to do, Im almost 100% sure that at the end of the 2 months my ex asked for, she'll call me and even if me and her are nevermore (which is the most likely outcome), she will talk about coming. And even if I say no, she'll still come. Because that's how she is. What's the best option for me to do?

Call her mom, talk to her - invite only the mom perhaps. Her mom should understand how you feel. It's not that you are mad at your ex, you care about her and seeing her will hurt you because it will not be like every other time you have hung out with her. There will be a lot of stress surrounding the situation if she is there.

You seem to have already made up your mind that you are going to invite the mom and the sister, if you do you better just realize that inviting those two but not the ex will probably make the ex more upset with you, than not inviting anyone and she will also probably come to the graduation anyway if her mom and sister are going. The mom and sister might feel out of place with out her there as well.

Talk to the mom, explain the situation, see what she thinks.

You do really need to do no contact with the entire family. You aren't doing it because you are mad at all of them, but because if you don't do it you will continuously be reminded of your ex, and you will find it really really difficult to put thought of her out of your head. You will only prolong getting over her. If her family, her, or all of them go to you graduation you will also be setting yourself back to square one just to warn you.

Call her mom, talk to her - invite only the mom perhaps. Her mom should understand how you feel. It's not that you are mad at your ex, you care about her and seeing her will hurt you because it will not be like every other time you have hung out with her. There will be a lot of stress surrounding the situation if she is there.

You seem to have already made up your mind that you are goign to invite the mom and the sister, if you do you better just realize taht inviting those two but not the ex will probably make the ex more upset with you, than not inviting anyone and she will also probably come to the graduation anyway if her mom and sister are going. The mom and sister might feel out of place with out her there as well.

Talk tothe mom, explain the situation, see what she thinks.

You do really need to do no contact with the entire family. You aren't doing it because you are mad at all of them, but because if you don't do it you will continuously be reminded of your ex, and you will find it really really difficult to put thought of her out of your head. You will only prolong getting over her. If her family, her, or all of them go to you graduation you will also be setting yourself back to square one just to warn you.

Yea I'm going to call the mom and talk to her about the whole situation. My only fear is that she doesn't know how big this really is to me. I think her mom thinks that we will get back together, and me seeing my ex is no big deal. I never put much thought into them being at my graduation, but now I am really thinking of it. They wouldn't feel out of place, but I know that if I were to see them again, all I would do is think of my ex.

Your line about me seeing her and hurting because it won't be like the other times is so true. Ive never told anyone that I was scared of that feeling, but you already knew. I know you have experience in this.

I really don't care if my ex gets upset. I have no desire to be friends with her in the future if our time has really come to an end. My ex already got upset. A couple weeks ago I invited the little sister and mom to my graduation, stupidly I thought she wouldn't tell my ex. Then about an hour later she says "(exs name here) wants to know if she can go to your graduation. I said my ex should ask me herself if she wants to go. And the little sister says my ex got upset. My ex said that even if we are nevermore, she still wants to be there. I hate getting these little updates.

I really don't want to go back to square one. I have come such a long way, and I don't want to start over. I feel like I will though when she comes sniffing around or next time we talk. I know we'll talk before I graduate. How can I stop myself from going back to square one?

No contact really is the only way to not go back to square one. I understand about the graduation thing. I pretty much didn't even think about no contact until after my ex graduated last year - he invite dme and I was going and it was so awkward -it was nice to see him graduate but hurt that things were different between us. I also didn't have100 random strangers on the internet telling me to stop talking to him.

I only started to feel better though once I stopped getting the updates, stopped checking his Facebook and his friends facebooks. Once you don't know what they are doing every moment of the day and there is distance between you it's a lot easier.

Someone on here said this (maybe Tal?) that the good thing about hitting rock bottom is the only way to go is up. That was always comforting to me because for a while I felt like I was sitting on the bottom. Believe me you don't want to go back to square one - if you do you have to go through all of this all over again.

I know you really want them to be able to share in your joy of graduating, but it really is going to be tough on you if she comes - you don't want any unspoken feelings to blow up on that day - it could make for some bad memories for a long time. It's a day for you to celebrate your achievements. Yes, they pushed you along, but something inside you kept you going as well. Congrats on finishing!

I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!

I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.

But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.

So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.

Trust me, you won't cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED through hard work, and stick to itness. And let nothing rain on your parade.

Yeah it's a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get through it.

You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if that's what you want.

But for this occasion, man up!

I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!

I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.

But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.

So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.

Trust me, you wont cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED thru hard work, and stick to itness. and let nothing rain on your parade.

Yeah its a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get thru it.

You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if thats what you want.

But for this occasion, man up!

I agree - just don't go into it thinking that this will change your relationship with her, or that things will be normal between the two of you. Recognize that things will be awkward, show your appreciation that they are there, but don't spend all of your time with her - spread the love to the rest of the guests!!

I read your thread bella, its helpful that you went through this and I hella appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me. Thank you. Sometimes random acts of kindness by strangers is more helpful than from people you know. Many times people you know just tell you what you want to hear.

Now that it has been almost a month of NC with my ex and some distance is between us, I have found that it makes it easier. When I get the updates from the little sister, it makes me feel good to know what she's doing, but at the same time it gets me hella down. I read into everything she tells me, and then I know she is telling my ex everything I tell her.

I feel like I'm at rock bottom right now. I feel like sometimes I go a little higher and higher, then something happens that makes me hit rock bottom again.

Its so weird trying to act selfish, Im always trying to share everything. I hate doing stuff alone. Maybe that plays into me taking so long, Ive been alone before and can handle life alone, but I love being around people. And sharing special things with people, because I love it when people share special things with me.

Everyone tells me that I am the only one to thank for graduating. They didn't take the tests, they didn't study, they didn't attend class etc. I know this is true, but they were the ones who saw potential in me, and made me realize the drive inside of me. They introduced me to the "good life." They took me across the country, took me to a lot of nice places, always paid or at least offered to pay for me, shared very intimate and personal info with me, and most importantly they always respected me and never judged me. They are the only people in my life to have never judged me, and the only ones to have gotten to know me first then form an opinion about me. I find this amazing. (Her family is white and well off, they live in a really good suburb with a lot of rich people. I am mexican, my family is broke, and from oakland, ca. So being in their world is like being on a new planet for me)

Advice I hear a lot is to try to find the person I was before her. But if you read my thread, I wasn't a good person before I met my ex. So I really don't know how to go about this. Anything I can do?

You don't need to be the person you were before, but you need to create a life with out your ex. Start doing things that give you the opportunity to meet new people - go to the gym - it makes you feel good about yourself, great distraction and new people. Volunteer to help others (big bro big sister programs or habitat or whatever you like)- volunteering is good because you meet other people that like things you do, and you can repay the kindness of her family by helping other people in need. You are graduating so I'm guessing you will be looking for and starting a new job - start getting involved in some team sports or social leagues.

Think of all of things that you really want to accomplish in life, and start taking small steps towards those things. Hell, I jumped out of an airplane hahaha!

There are sooooo many things to do in life - and yes her family helped you up, but now you are on your own two feet, and you can do and go wherever the wind takes you. Make aplan to try something new, even if it is small. That you've always wanted to do but never did before.

Keep busy and you will feel better before you know it. Don't feel like you have to jump into something else to make you feel better - feel comfortable again being just you, being single.

I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!

I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.

But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.

So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.

Trust me, you wont cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED thru hard work, and stick to itness. and let nothing rain on your parade.

Yeah its a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get thru it.

You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if thats what you want.

But for this occasion, man up!

Thanks Tal, that's great advice. So I never answered the little sisters question about what day and time is my graduation. I was really stuck on what to do, part of it was that I didn't want to talk to anyone that would remind me of her. I had been doing good lately.

Well, I couldn't resist anymore and I called her last night. We talked for about half hour and just talked about what's going on in my life right now. I know she was going to tell my ex everything, so I told her about how excited I am and how this is one of the happiest moments in my life. She didn't even mention my ex the whole time, and I never brought her up either. It was so hard not to ask for updates, but Im so proud of myself. I feel like this is the biggest accomplishment I've achieved since the "break."

Graduation is going to be a really special day for me. The last memory line is so very true, I never though of it like that. If that day is really the last time we see each other, I want her to remember me accomplishing something great, and with a huge smile on my face.

You don't need to be the person you were before, but you need to create a life with out your ex. Start doing things that give you the opportunity to meet new people - go to the gym - it makes you feel good about yourself, great distraction and new people. volunteer to help others (big bro big sister programs or habitat or whatever u like)- volunteering is good becuase you meet other ppl that like thigns you do, and you can repay the kindness of her family by helping other people in need. You are graduating so I'm guessing you will be looking for and starting a new job - start getting involved in some team sports or social leagues.

Think of all of things that you really want to accomplish in life, and start taking small steps towards those things. Hell, I jumped out of an airplane hahaha!

There are sooooo many things to do in life - and yes her family helped you up, but now you are on your own two feet, and you can do and go whereever the wind takes you. Make aplan to try something new, even if it is small. that you've always wanted to do but never did before.

Keep busy and you will feel better before you know it. Don't feel like you have to jump into something else to make you feel better - feel comfortable again being just you, being single.

Ive been trying to keep myself busy and it does really work. Time has worked wonders on me, I feel so much better lately. I use to only go a few seconds between thinking of my ex, then it was minutes, now its turning into hours. I can't wait until the hours turn to days, and then the days turn to never. I mean, why spend so much time thinking of someone when you know the other person doesn't think of you as much?

I feel like I'm finally making strides. I can talk about her and not get upset or get all down now. While I still do think of her, its getting easier to push her out of of my head. The good days are finally out numbering the bad days. I still find that mornings and espcially nights are hard, but even now they are becoming manageble. I just hope that if she gets at me I can stay this strong and show her how happy I am without her.

Funny thing about it though, I actually am happy. For the first time since the "break," I can say I'm starting to be truly happy just doing and being me. Without her. Took me awhile, almost a damn month, but Im getting there.

I want to ask something though. I know everyone is different and each situation and relationship is unique so I don't expect the same answer. How long did it take all of you guys to get over your breakup? And how long did you wait until you got into another relationship? Im just curious to know, all of my friends aren't exactly the relationship type of friends. They're more like the chase and lay types so all I'm hearing is to find someone new right away because that'll help me the most. But don't think that is best. Thanks guys.

How long did it take all of you guys to get over your breakup?
Anywhere from 6 months after a 3 year relationship, to 5 minutes after a first date. But I admit to being dumped a lot, and even though it sucks every time, you learn how best to cope with it.
Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

how long did you wait until you got into another relationship?

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.
Then I learned it was a lot more fun to be single, and enjoy it.
Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.
Until my wife said Oh hell NO!!