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My boyfriend is a very artistic person. He keeps a lot of things to himself and think about lots of things. He is very sharp in his mental and sensitive in emotion. But I'm a total opposite. We had been together for 2 years but till now, he complains that I do feel and understand him.. but I had tried my best and yet I cant... please help me..

I have been together my boyfriend for 2 years but I'm not sure I am just mere selfish or I really love him. He is a very great guy and I started to have feelings for him. But due to my personal problem - feeling lost and feel uncared to things surrounding me, I did not have the amazing love feeling that I used to have. But I do know I don't want to be apart from him. Am I being selfish or do I really love him? Sigh.. I really want to be with him forever.. I hope its just my personal problem that can be settled quickly so that we could have a fantastic relationship together..

Hello ling,

Could you please be more specific about your personal problem/problems?

It would help me better understand your situation.

Thank you.

I have some personal problem which changed me from a bright, sharp and passionate girl to a person who doesn't care much about my surroundings which I think was caused by my previous relationship which was 5 years ago. I was deeply hurt but now, I do not have feelings for that person anymore. I feel a barrier in me that I can't release my feelings for others including to my boyfriend. My boyfriend knew I have this problem since the day we were together but he remained and tried helping me through but to no avail. I understand the disappointment and discouragement in him because he remained closely with me for 2 years but couldn't feel the true love from me due to my barrier.
I am not sure whether the barrier has blocked my love to him but, no matter how hard he tries to melt down the barrier, it just doesn't work. I feel so unreal in this world. The amazing and greatest of love was not felt by me anymore, but I know I never want to leave him. I just want to be with him. I am not sure I am with him because I love him, or I'm just being selfish.. I feel so sad that I am at this current state.

He is artistic. He could also be very over dramatic. Then again a lot of quiet artistic people come from hard lives. Could he be having issues at home?
How old are you?

Also note that sometime people are just not matched up to work. Hate to say it but if you cannot connect to one another there is a real problem. Got to find a way to connect and communicate.

I am 23 now and he is 22. He used to have issues at home when he was young, but not anymore. He doesn't like to express his thought using words and expect me to understand him. I know when we understand a person well enough, we should be able to do that, but I just can't figure out his complicated thinking. Sigh...

He is making it too hard on you without good reason. He just wants you to do all the work in communication is what it sounds like. I say tell him to give up that shattered heart boy persona and give you a chance here.

Or if you like that side of him I suggest telling him that if he doesn't strive to make understanding him easier the relationship is not going to end well. I mean he has to try too and it sounds like you are trying so hard you are stressing yourself out needlessly.


And sorry but it sounds like he wants you to change who you are so you can understand him better.
Sorry, you shouldn't have to change your personality just to understand someone. Its not worth it. You need to be who you are and he needs to be himself. But communication isn't hard. He needs to use his words for you and accommodate you. You should not have to change who you are for him, you are not his clay and he can not mold you

Its okay for me to change for him but I do not know how can I change for him. I can't understand him and I'd really love to understand him. I think that should be my problem because any girlfriends would definitely understand their boyfriends right? I understand that he is disappointed despite us being 2 years together, I still can't do the basic thing that a girlfriend should. He did explain his thoughts to me, but maybe I am just to different from him that I can't be in his mood. Sigh. I really want to be a perfect girl for him...

You can only do so much. What is it that he wants? You act like he speaks a different language. He expressed what he wants, so can you give it to him or not? Him being artistic has nothing to do with it. I am very artistic in many ways, and I sometimes act complicated but we in fact are emotional. Something is bothering him and when the other person doesn't know it makes us feel alone. It could be a phase, so talk and hug him and tell him everything will be okay. Good luck!

Yeah, that could work. I don't know, I think you are trying more than him. And you can't be the perfect girlfriend. Its impossible to be anyone's perfect someone because no one is perfect. And the closest way to be his perfect someone is to be him, and that is something you cannot do.

Something is bothering him and when the other person doesn't know it makes us feel alone.

Emopunk, I think that is exactly how my boyfriend feels. The thing is, I am just a failure in making him feel better :(

Larken85, no matter how hard is it, I will just try my best for him, and thanks for your advise! :)

You're welcome, but my advice was to get him to help you.

Try talking with him again.

Hmm, not sure that was the explanation enigma was looking for. But you should talk to a doctor about it. You sound really depressed, like a dark haze has settled over your eyes and now everything is dull and dark. You never know what the doctor might do that could help you. :)

As for what I think about your current boyfriend... I think he is a really nice guy. I think you are maybe using the hurt as a crutch so that you can protect yourself from being hurt again. I think you could use to open up to the world and to do so quickly. I also think that you can't make a decision about your current boyfriend until you can think more clearly about how you feel about him.

Last thought though, I think that if you are here asking us if we think you are being selfish and you do not know if you are being selfish, then you really do feel like you are being selfish and you are hoping we will say you aren't. Just my opinion

Well larken, yeah.. I do feel I am selfish at times, but all I want to do is to open up my locked heart for him which I am trying very very hard. Before we were together, I was the person who initiated this relationship with having good feelings for him first but I believe my barrier has stopped my feelings from going further than it should and that is why I am wondering if I truly love him or I am being selfish to just keep him by my side.

You seem very confused about this relationship and the relationship itself seems disfunctional.

He wants you to have hymen reconstructive surgery (following some type of sports injury and intercourse WITH HIM) so that HE can be the person who ruptures your hymen? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/sex-after-hymenoplasty-hurt-463581.html#post2308166

He is sure that he wants to be with me and I have total confidence in that. Its just me being confused here. I love him but I just have some barrier in me that I need to overcome. The barrier has caused much stress and confusion in me. Apart from that, we are great. The hymen construction is all voluntary. Just a way to express that he is the chosen one.

I think you have done enough to please him, and be perfect, and he has done little to help you. You have gone to extremes for him to be happy but he isn't doing his part to appreciate it.

If he can't talk to you, he sure won't listen to you.

If you feel you need to undergo expensive, painful surgery to prove something to "him," he is not the right choice for you - or any other woman.

If this relationship isn't dysfunctional, I'll jump off the nearest cliff with cinder blocks tied to my feet.

Good grief!

It isn't working! After two years if you can't get a grip on who he is, and he can't get a grip on who you are, and you need to ask yourself if you truly love him- why keep this torture going.

Reconstruction surgery? Are you serious? That will show him what exactly?

I see no common ground between the two of you. No communication, no foundation to work through problems together, no understanding of eachother's needs and wants.

After two years, if the two of you can't work out the simplest of problems, this isn't about love at all, it is about fear.

I suspect that you are afraid to stay, and you are afraid to go.

Of course, only my opinion here, but if I were in your shoes, with a man that I couldn't communicate my needs to, and my desperation to impress upon him that he is 'the one', and go to the extent of having my hymen reconstructed to do so- that requires a cast iron frying pan to the side of my head to smarten me up.

My advice is to find a more compatible partner who is your equal, and who respects you for who you are, not what he wants you to be.

That you are willing to go to such extremes to justify a relationship with him, is not healthy in my opinion.

QUOTE by Larken85;
Hmm, As for what I think about your current boyfriend... I think he is a really nice guy.
Wow, you can tell he is a nice guy from what has been written here?

He is the guy that wants her to have surgery... for HIS reasons.

Yea, nice guy.

Wow, you can tell he is a nice guy from what has been written here?

He is the guy that wants her to have surgery... for HIS reasons.

Yea, nice guy.


Out of greenies but, yes, I saw that, too. A nice guy who wants her to have reconstuctive surgery so he can rupture her hymen - after he's already had sex with her.

Shaking my head in disbelief.

The fact that you are questioning whether you love him is a big red flag in my opinion.
I think perhaps he knows your weakness and is using it against you to control you. That is not love.
You sound confused and desperate, that is not love.
I would suggest you spend some time with yourself, to get to know who you are, to feel comfortable with who you are. Having this young man in your life is a hindrance to your doing that.

I'm just wondering.. does your boyfriend have Asperger's, is he bipolar.. or something like that.

I'm just asking because he is "so artistic and likes to use words to describe his thoughts".

If something is mentally wrong with him then maybe you should consult a therapist or go to couple's therapy.

But if he's just an obnoxious jerk then maybe it's time to just let it go.

I still can't find where the OP actually says HE is who wants it...

All I can find on either thread is she feels some need to do that for him because she wants to... and that he would support it... and I've read through them several times.

And there is a huge difference between him liking something she presents to him, and from him actually being the one to initiate that request or demand. She flat out says she doesn't know what he wants... exactly how does she think THIS will change anything? And I am basing this on exactly what she says... I'm not a mindreader.


And what I see from the combination of threads now is that he isn't "The ONE" any more than she is ready for anyone in that capacity. And from THIS thread its clear from her comments that she is trying to force something that just isn't.

And what "isn't" is a healthy relationship on track towards marriage.

Anyone that gets married like this... WILL end up divorced... and wondering what "went wrong"... when nothing "went right" in the first place.

And its clearly NOT an arrainged marriage situation as this operation is common with because they don't "Date".

I don't understand his deepest thoughts but I do know he would like to break the hymen. Told him about it and he did not oppose nor agree. Everything is just my idea. I have difficulty in understanding him because I had let him down in the beginning of our relationship and that has pushed him to his limits. He remained with me but his tolerance has reached the limits. Sometimes, I couldn't understand his viewpoint and so he could not take it. Thus, he did the same thing to me like 'a revenge' to let me know. Not anyone is involved in this relationship, its just our own thinking and perception towards matters.

I don't understand his deepest thoughts but I do know he would like to break the hymen.
If you don't know his deepest thoughts how do you know that he'd like to break your hymen? Has he said it to you directly?


told him about it and he did not oppose nor agree. Everything is just my idea. I have difficulty in understanding him because I had let him down in the beginning of our relationship and that has pushed him to his limits.
What did you "do"? How did this thing that you did "push him to his limits" ?



he remained with me but his tolerance has reached the limits.
How nice of him. He did you such a favor to you for staying with you. God knows you'd never find anyone else that would treat you just as good as he does.


sometimes, I couldn't understand his viewpoint and so he could not take it. Thus, he did the same thing to me like 'a revenge' to let me know. Not anyone is involved in this relationship, its just our own thinking and perception towards matters.

You know, I think this is pathetic. It's like your making him out to be some move-like guy with a "lost soul that so misunderstood and complex". Give me a break. If he doesn't have some sort of disease that affects him in a way that he doesn't function normally then he's just a jerk.

Can you please cut the BS about him having complicated deep thoughts and just tell us what he's saying and doing...

I think you are very confused and needy and maybe this guy feeds those feelings. What you need is counseling, someone to help you understand yourself.
Leave this guy alone. The relationship is a tad creepy.

i dont understand his deepest thoughts but i do know he would like to break the hymen. told him about it and he did not oppose nor agree. everything is just my idea. i have difficulty in understanding him because i had let him down in the beginning of our relationship and that has pushed him to his limits. he remained with me but his tolerance has reached the limits. sometimes, i couldnt understand his viewpoint and so he could not take it. thus, he did the same thing to me like 'a revenge' to let me know. not anyone is involved in this relationship, its just our own thinking and perception towards matters.

Stop allowing yourself and him to convince you that you are less of a girlfriend just because you aren't a mind-reader. Of course you can't understand his deepest thoughts unless he tells you in plain words what his thoughts are. Not even mind-readers can understand the deepest thoughts of another person because imagery and meaning changes from individual to individual.

How did you let him down? Why did you stay with him when he did something so childish as to get revenge (like a revenge) by doing what you did?

Stop thinking that you should be 'perfect' in every way for him. Does he understand you? Does he try to understand your moods? Does he do anything other than act like a drama king and put everything on your shoulders? I have a feeling that he is guiding your every move and you either don't realize it or you accept it for some reason.

Every post that you have written about him makes me wonder just what this relationship is about (I could make a guess). It definitely isn't about two equals building a relationship together. It is sounding more and more like he is in charge and you are doing everything you can to please him. Who are you as an individual?