Hello All...
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Any feedback would be appreciated…

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years - both in our early thirties. We live together for the most part, however we do both have our own homes (we spend most of our time at his). We are now on breakup number 5. The lead up to the split usually goes something like this… we have an argument about something seemingly benign, and he blindsides me with the speech about how he’s not happy, doesn’t feel I’m the person for him etc. It seems that when the going gets tough he wants to get going. Once he’s had a little time and space to sort himself out he reaches out and we work things through, back to normal only better… until…

I’m sure some are thinking that this is quite straightforward – he’s made it clear doesn’t want to be with me, time to move on, end of story. As hard as it is to do, I would be inclined to agree if we didn’t have the history we do. Outside of these incidents things between us are good. We have always had a very close relationship and a strong bond. We have a great time together and have been the best of friends since the beginning. We talk about the future often, and both frequently make plans that involve us as a couple. The good times by far outweigh the bad. He is a wonderful, caring, and sensitive man that I care for deeply – I’m positive he cares deeply for me too. I know he has commitment issues, and these play a big part in his decision to handle things the way he does. The fact that we have been through this several times, and that I’ve heard the same speech over again only to get back together after a short time apart makes it hard to believe that this is what he really wants. It seems like at times this is the only way he is capable of dealing with things. He is a good person and I believe that he’s worth the effort. I’m not a glutton for punishment, but I don’t want to give up on him without trying. I can’t wrap my head around why he does this, and am in knots worrying once again.

If anyone has been on the giving or receiving end of this type of scenario I would love to hear from you….

Thanks

It sounds very much that the way you have both learned to resolve conflict in your relationship,is for him to walk away,end things,let the dust settle and then come back to the table.

If on the whole you feel the relationship is worth saving getting to the bottom of this would be the first thing to do,talking about how you argue and what happens when things are going good between you.

The next thing is in four years there has been 5 break ups,that's hard going,and emotionally and mentally draining,that needs to be addressed.

Perhaps considering a third party to help shift through the old emotional baggage would help.

Are the conflicts getting resolved?

Or is it just a loop?

Sometimes couples get used to a way of communicating and find it difficult to break the habit.

If you both keep doing the same thing nothing will ever change and neither of you will ever really feel secure in the relationship,so,what to do this time?

Change the course of events over the next few days,make a plan yourself,write down what it is you want FOR the relationship and what it is YOU want FROM the relationship,seeing your thoughts and feelings written down will help you reflect and decide a course of action.

The only way to stop the cycle is to stop playing along.

Why is it that these issues,over such a long period haven't been resolved through honest adult discussions?

And why does he have commitment issues?

A pattern of breaking up,then making up is not healthy.

Have you considered couples counseling?

As things stand now,it seems you are 'held hostage' to his temper tantrums.

How much longer are you going to allow yourself to put up with this,unless there are radical changes for the better?

Thanks for the reply RedHed.
I definitely feel that it's worth salvaging, but my worry at this point is whether he does. Each time we go on this roller coaster ride he seems so final with his decision - it's hard to know how serious he is this time. We do resolve some of our issues, but there is definitley some spinning of the wheels happening.
I have offered up the suggestion of counseling, but he has yet to agree (generally at the time he is so set on his decision to end things that he doesn't see the point).

If you can't fix the problems that break you up every time, then getting back together will only blow up in your faces again.

Fix the problems or go your separate ways. Otherwise you're just beating a dead horse.

As for useful tools to help you fix your problems. Try writing them out. Address them one by one. Don't move on to the next problem until you've fixed the first one.

Try couples counselling?

Did you ever sit down with him when things are going well and try to talk about his behavior and the breakups?

If you can't talk openly about what's going on, then I can't foresee a happy ending to this story. Couples counseling may be able to bring the problems out in the open and help resolve them, but if he refuses to seek help, it really may be time to end it.

Did you ever sit down with him when things are going well and try to talk about his behavior and the breakups?

If you can't talk openly about what's going on, then I can't foresee a happy ending to this story. Couples counseling may be able to bring the problems out in the open and help resolve them, but if he refuses to seek help, it really may be time to end it.

I don't think that we've really sat down and gotten everything out in the open to the extent that we should have. I guess when things are going well we've been too caught up in the good moment to address the bad. I know it's something that must be done and I agree that nothing will change if we don't. I'm hopefull at this time that it isn't too little too late.

"If anyone has been on the giving or receiving end of this type of scenario I would love to hear from you…. "

My receiving end was this... he didn't want to discuss the argument and chose to leave instead, because it was too much trouble. Then come back as if nothing ever happened.


My second was... he was controlling and chose to leave knowing that things would be better when he came back on his own terms

Hopefully these are neither of yours

[B]"my receiving end was this... he didn't want to discuss the argument and chose to leave instead, because it was too much trouble. Then come back as if nothing ever happened.

my second was....he was controlling and chose to leave knowing that things would be better when he came back on his own terms

Hopefully these are neither of yours

I don't believe that he is doing what he does maliciously or to gain control, but I do believe that something is not right and needs to be addressed. Either way it is an extremely hurtful situation as was yours. How long were you in the relationship? Did the brake-up / make-up happen repeatedly?

They don't believe that they are controlling, it's just the way they are and would never admit it.

Sometimes it would just be an uncontrollable temper of "That's it, I'm done" but then come back later with suggestions on how it would work better for him.

And yes it happened repeatedly. I learned to live with it for a while and actually pointed it out to him, but he refused to acknowledge it.

I think it takes a truly strong person to face problems head on. You learn to do this over a course of your life, as you get more mature. He, on the other hand, chooses to run away from the problem until he feels the problem no longer exists. What you are left with are a collection of unresolved problems that eventually becomes a mountain of issues impossible to ever resolve.

You say you two are best of friends yet friends don't communicate in the fashion he does. Breaking up 5 times in a span of four years is inexcusable and is a blatant pattern that should be broken immediately. Unfortunately it also points to a bigger underlying problem within him. If he doesn't see a problem with how he handles these issues, how can you ever expect this cycle to change? Personally I don't believe it is fair to continually break up with someone. It shows a lack of respect to you and to the relationship as a whole. Regardless of whether he actually means it, I don't consider it an appropriate remedy to anything. I don't think I could listen to someone tell me five times or more that I no longer make them happy and that they aren't interested in me. Usually, after one time, I get the hint.

Good points - some hard to hear, but very true. At this point in time he's at the stage where he's dead set in his decision and nothing will change his mind. Based our past experiences things could go either way. I'm hopefull that the opportunity to put all our cards on the table and talk things out once and for all does come through. It's hard to believe that someone's feelings can change so drastically and with so much finality in such a short time - especially considering how many times we've been through this before...

If you haven't already, read some of the 'stickys' at the top of the 'Relationships' page. They might help you:)

It almost sounds like he's trying to wear you down and you shouldn't put up with that for your own sanity.

KC was 'right on' in his last post.

Good luck:)

Sorry you have given your heart to a manipulative baby, but for sure if you keep accepting his behavior, he will never change. As a matter of fact, it may get worse.

Bet if you put your foot down and not take him back, he would have to try something different, like talk about it!

You have spoiled this kid, and now your paying the price.

You two are not youngsters. Perhaps you are great as friends, enjoy each other's company but are not compatible as a couple.
It's like a pair of shoes that you loved when you bought them, and they suited the need you had. They have been broken in and are comfortable but they no longer are your style, you don't really have a need for them, but you hate to give them up. That could be true for both of you. It might be time to give the old shoes away and get a pair that is more suitable for where you are now.
Just a thought!

After 4 years, it's time to stop playing mind games.

Lay it all out on the table. If you can't come to an understanding, then make it a clean break.

No point getting back together just so that it can blow up in your faces again.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm staying hopeful that I'll be able to open up the lines of communication and resolve this one way or another, once and for all.

Sounds like he doesn't wish to communicate or too much of a wuss to do so.

Not his priority, just gliding along knowing that you always take him back. While he states he isn't happy.

Regardless if you are happy or not.

He either wants you or not.

"We are now on breakup number 5"

"he speech about how he’s not happy, doesn’t feel I’m the person for him etc."

"he’s made it clear doesn’t want to be with me"

Maybe that's all you need to know.

It's time to lay the cards on the table I would suggest - 5 break ups? That's absurd.

You're both adults and supposedly in a relationship. A relationship which is good when it's going well. But, good relationships are really defined by how they go when things are going badly. And, yours doesn't hold up.

You are both allowing this dynamic to occur so I would suggest you go to counselling and talk this through - or you respond differently next time you break up.

I agree Gemini - I am trying to get there - We have spoken once since this happened and I've attempted to get the communication started. Initially he seemed like he's simply trying to stick by his decision to part ways and is resisting, but there are these little breakthrough moments where he actually starts talking normally to me, or even laughs at something I say - then it seems like he remembers he's "supposed" to be mad at me and breaking up with me and puts the wall back up.
He's said he needs some space -
I'm trying to give him some but it's hard not to contact under the circumstances. Going through this cycle leaves me in such a state, I really don't know whether this time is different and he really and truly wants to end it, or whether it's just like the other times.

He may be a good person and all that, but he's about as mature as a five year old little girl.
If he can't figure out now what he wants and will stick with, then dump him. Trust me, he isn't worth it.
Real relationships are only worth the effort when both people involved stick with the other when times get tough. That's where strengh in a relationship is built. It's at those times that a persons love for another is proven. Just as gold is refined by fire, so is a relationship. Gold is only purified more and more by heat. A relationship becomes stronger and stronger by sticking together through the difficulties. You get through them together, and it makes the bond stronger and stronger.
It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong in these disagreements your having, when your in a relationship with someone, it's the responsibility of both to see it through.
If he can't do that, tell him to hit the pike!

The song gets sadder... I've tried my best to give him the space he's asked for, but after 4 days I caved and went to see him - (I know... what was I thinking).

It didn't go very well. We did talk, but the result was that we're in the same position we were before (that he has made his decision and is not going to change his mind about us) only I am feeling worse off than when it started. I had hoped to have a real conversation - about how we got to where we are, and how we can avoid repeating the same patterns if we are able to reconcile. I guess timing is everything, and mine was pretty bad.

During this conversation, and during the one we had just following the breakup we had many moments of closeness and what I would call "normalcy" - I wasn't trying to convince him that we could make it work, he wasn't trying to convince me that we couldn't - we were just a couple talking about what we did during our time apart, even joking and laughing. These moments would come to an end when he would put the wall back up (there are definitely feelings there, but it felt like he caught himself weakening in his resolve to be dead set against changing his mind and he put the defences back up).

6 days ago and beyond we were talking about future plans, doing kind things for each other, enjoying eachother's company, being affectionate. Now he's fighting me tooth and nail to keep from allowing any feelings to creep in and weaken his armour. I know him very well - I know that he still cares deeply for me, and he is having as difficult a time as I am with this (although he'd never admit it). I've heard "I have made up my mind and nothing is going to change" many times before.

He's made it clear that he has not had enough time and space to sort things out for himself and I've agreed to leave him be. I am struggling with this terribly. Being that we've been here in this exact situation before and found our way back has me over analyzing the situation and second guessing everything. I find it very hard to believe that his feelings could have changed to drastically and with such finality - but I recognize he is going through something that he feels he needs to deal with on his own.

I'm really looking for some perspective, insight, reassurance... if anyone has any to share

Thanks

How much longer do you want to keep going around in circles with this?

It does take two to want to tango-why keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?

I think you should ask yourself honestly if this really is what you want and need in your life.

False hope. That stuff burns. Ouch.

Stop begging. And letting him play you. He needs time, yeah right...
This has never worked.

"I'm really looking for some perspective, insight, reassurance"

Stop chasing him & move on. You can do it.

How's that?

Forget him, go NC & split.

"Ouch" is right... but I appreciate the honesty and directness.

In answer to why I would want to continue going in circles... I don't... my hope was to be able to work through it and end the cycle once and for all.

The reason that I'm still in this isn't because I'm delusional or a glutton for punishment - the other side of this story is a relationship with someone who is positive, giving, caring, intelligent, patient, and extremely supportive... It's hard to separate the two and forget about the good because of the bad - especially when there is more of the good. I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

That's what false hope means-youre willing to try,but he isn't on the same page as your are.

You say the good outweighs the bad-yet he keeps breaking up with you.

In my book that means he has thrown out not only the baby,but also the bathtub.

I find it very hard to believe that his feelings could have changed to drastically and with such finality - but I recognize he is going through something that he feels he needs to deal with on his own.

I'm really looking for some perspective, insight, reassurance... if anyone has any to share

Thanks

His feelings have not changed drastically, this sounds like what he does regularly. You two break up quite often. Maybe he is tired of the yo yo thing too, maybe he is tired of trying to feel something that he does not feel.

It's time for you to wake up and smell the coffee. This relationship is not the one for you. It's time to just let it go for good.

You really need to move on for your own sanity. It has already ended, so you don't have to worry about ending it.

Don't call him, don't go to see him, delete his number from your phone and get on with your life.

Even if he did call eventually, it would be the same thing all over again and it will never end. You deserve better.

I feel like I'm losing my mind... I've read and re-read all of the comments and advice given to me here and have tried to take it to heart. I've also over analyzed my situation to the point that I don't know which way is up.

Four years is a lot of time to sum up in an online post - there are many details about my current (I guess I should say previous) relationship that I haven't listed here. Although I understand why many of you have the opinions that you do, in my heart I can't believe that this man is out to use me or play me in any way. I'm not saying this because I'm trying to cling to the hope that this story will have a happy ending - I'm saying it because I feel that not saying it doesn't do him or what we had together justice. He is a good person who's had difficult times to overcome in his past - he has endeavored to become a better and stronger person. He has always been very giving, and has beed a huge motivator for me in so many ways. I haven't been perfect by any means and have had my share of ups and downs too - I believe that he's done his best to be as supportive with me as I have with him. We've had financial issues to overcome during the past few months, have adjusted to a move to a new city, a new job - there has been a lot going on and it could put a strain on any couple. I think that if we could have really committed to making changes in how we communicate with each other this would not have happened, and the proverbial straw would not have broken the camel's back.

We have communicated a few times over the past week - mostly by phone or email, twice in person (I've already posted the details of the first "in person" encounter). That one went badly, the second one was a little better. Each time we've spoken I've seen a little more of the "old" him showing through, and the second time I saw him in person it seemed that he was warming up. We kept the conversation light, and it was nice just catching up on some of the details that we've missed over the past few days. The problem for me is not knowing where to draw the line. We were going to see each other briefly this evening - he flip flopped on it and finally decided against it as feels he isn't ready yet. This was very upsetting to me and I let my emotions get the better of me and pushed too hard - we argued, he hung up, I got upset and called him a kajillion times (how pathetic) and the breakup cycle started all over again... way to set things back.

In the end I apologized for turning into an emotional basket case on him. He said he understands... he apologized for getting angry and expressed that he's not trying to be cold or distant, but he doesn't know how else to be at the moment. We broke up a week ago and haven't had more than 2 nights in a row where we haven't spoken - he feels that he hasn't had enough space and time to think let alone miss me (can't argue there). He's going through something right now that I know I can't change, fix, or talk him out of. It's his process for dealing with things - he has always been this way, and the only thing to do is let him go through it.

I know I need to leave this alone. But that scares me. I've always been the one to draw him out of the silence and get the communication going - this has actuallly worked many times in the past. So I keep trying - because I don't know what else to do.

Just let it go, and get yourself through this. That means leaving him alone. Sorry, there are no short cuts or quick fixes.

Hello all... took the time to get my bearings, get a grip, and "get myself through this" as was wisely suggested. Things are far from over - we're communicating which I'm taking as a good sign - only time will tell at this point whether we'll be able to come out of this intact. I'm hoping for the best, but will be prepared for the worst.

Now that I'm in a better state of mind I hope to be able to offer some decent advice of my own...

Thanks again...