Hi,

I've hit a major stumbling block in what I thought was going to be a really good, strong relationship. I'd really appreciate advice on the next steps I should take.

Here's the story:

About four years ago, I was contacted by a warm, caring, thoughtful gentleman on a dating site. We emailed, phoned and chatted back and forth for about two years, but I never saw it was more than friendship because, at the time, he was in his late 20's and I was in my early 40's. And we're in different countries, thousands of miles apart. Eventually, we fell out of contact with one another. But, about six months ago, we got back in touch and almost immediately told one another how much we'd been in like before. The truth is, during the lack of contact period, I never could get him out of my mind.

So, we talked about it and agreed we really should meet. But before arranging that, he wanted us to spend a good bit of time together remotely, really getting to know one another. We've talked every day, sometimes hours per day for these past six months. The conversations have ranged from fun, light, teasing, charming, playful to deep, intense, revealing and intimate. We planned a first get together several months out, for about two weeks.

Recently, I joked about being impatient and said I might just hop a plane and show up at his door before our planned meeting. He very seriously told me not to do that because, though he intends to meet as planned, he's not ready to do so just yet. I got scared and wanted to know how he could be sure he'd be ready in a few months if he's not ready now. He said it was just something he was working out for himself and he didn't know how to express it to me.

A few weeks later, I brought it up again and this time we talked pretty deeply. He told me that he's worried because if things work out as well between us as he thinks they will, in order for us to be together that means someone has to move. Which means we'd have to get married so that we could both work - it's tough to immigrate and work in both of our countries without the marriage. Marriage raised the whole subject of having children. He's never had any, mine is grown and gone and at my age, there's a risk of birth defects. But for me, children aren't 100% out of the question. Additionally, marriage would mean he'd have to leave his family behind - one parent, one sibling. He's pretty close to them. He said he's trying to work all of this out and asked me to just be patient with him. I said we shouldn't worry about any of that now. We don't know how it will go when we're together. And yes, all of that may be a possibility, but let's leave it for when it's more of a probability. Stupidly, then, I asked him if he thought he could ever fall in love with me. He said he's worried he already has. I think we may love the idea of each other, but it's not possible to really be in love without having been together - face to face and skin to skin.

This was all just too much for me. I've been viewing our upcoming meeting as a definite plan. I can't understand why he has to worry about all of the ramifications of a potential lasting relationship now, when we're not there yet. I just want to let it happen and deal with each concern as it arises. I've told him I need some time off - and I've put us on communication blackout for a few days.

So, finally - my questions. What do I do next? Do I hold my breath, trust him and wait - all while growing ever more attached to him? Do I keep this communication blackout going until I've (hopefully) been able to take an emotional step back, then get back in touch, but keep it much lighter? (The problem with that option is that I don't know if I can do it -- my heart is more in charge than my head right now.) Or do I just walk away without ever giving him a chance? I couldn't forget about him before we got so close. Now, I just think not giving it a chance might be something I'll regret for a very, very long time. I just feel so powerless and that's not a good place for me. I'd welcome any advice anyone has to offer, because my brain is just numb right now. Thanks!

I think that you're both jumping the gun about falling in love, marriage, children, etc.

You might have some spark on the phone and on the Internet, but it's a lot different in real life.

Why not meet each other and see how it goes in person? If it doesn't then you've thought about all this for nothing. If it goes well, then go from there.

But if you never meet, you will always wonder "what if".

I think your both way to carried away as pen pals and should keep the communications black out until your head catches up with your heart that is so far out in front, it may take a long time. Sorry but his waffling is what makes this whole thing impractical, and a romantic fantasy. Not a lot to build on, and conversation ain't cutting it.

Your head is telling you right, so tell your heart to shut up for a while, so you can get a clearer picture of what your doing. Fixating on a guy half way around the world who isn't ready for what you want, and has told you so.

Thank you both for your comments. I would like to point out that it was me who said we can't possibly be in love yet or know what the future holds. I am hopeful, yes, but until there's a meeting, for me, I can't even guess at what sort of relationship will develop. Or, indeed, if one will.

I agree with you, but you could be waiting a long time. A really long time. I am not against love, but I am against waiting in limbo, when you have a life to enjoy. Lets face it, your not 20 something any more are you?