I'm not really writing this because I want specific advice, but to share and I hope someone will share with me if the have lost someone to suicide!

My dad turned 45 on march 16th and on the 17th he was found hanging on a door in the hall way of his house. He was found by his girlfriend of 20 years... it took 2 weeks before we could hold a funeral and I'm really relieved that its over to be quite honest with you... that we don't have to sit around talking about which casket we're going to choose or what type of flowers we want.

My siblings and I we got to see him though, once he was in his best suit and in the casket and I am really happy that I got to see him one last time

But how on earth am I going to deal with this?

Personally I'm at a place where I'm not mad at him for killing himself, because he worked really hard to make it happen... and I'm figuring that if he was in that much pain that it is better that he got to let go of life.

My siblings and my dad's sisters they have issues with it though, which is understandable!

My problem is that my dad is gone forever... I'm never going to see him again and all I'm let with are pictures and memories...

Those of you here at AMHD who know a bit about me know that I haven't have the easiest life and this didn't make it any better. For sure. And I've worked so hard to get where I am in life... I'm a successful student and my advisors and teachers see me as someone who is full of promise

But right now I can't really see passed this blinding pain! I wake up every morning with this intense sorrow and I don't really know what to do with it.

I guess that's really why I'm writing this, because I needed to put this into words and to talk to someone about it who doesn't know me and who isn't feeling the same pain as I am... someone who is not touched by my fathers passing basically.

I'm sorry this is a bit long...

And if you read this... thank you for listening!

Roxy

One of my best friends committed suicide during a spell of postpartum depression a number of years ago. I felt guilty for years - I had lunch with her the day before she died, knew she was in pain but thought she was all right, didn't call anyone or send up any flags and then she died.

As far as losing your father, suicide aside, grief is different for everyone. Time does help (I know, everyone told me that and I didn't believe them) and you simply have to hold on to the good times, the good memories.

This is so recent that you haven't had a chance to even begin to recover. You have to remember to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

And I trust you know that none of "this" is your fault - none of it.

Cyber hug {{{ }}}

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My uncle committed suicide during a serious about with depression and alcoholism. Looking back, we thought we should have seen the signs because my father was depressed and a recovering alcoholic. But we didn't see the signs clearly enough. It was too late and hindsight was 20/20.

Right now you need to take care of you. You need to realize, if you don't, that this had nothing to do with you, and you can't own this. He had a plan most likely for a very long time. Typically suicide, when completed, is a very long drawn out process in the mind of the depressed person.

For those that are seeking help there are typical warning signs. For the others, the more seriously depressed, there are few signs/symptoms that we can see before the task is completed, but we don't realize until it is too late.

I agree that your father is in a better place. He is in peace now and no longer being tormented by the thoughts that possessed his mind for so long. The twin cities of torment and torture are not good places to be. He is now free of those thoughts that bound him for so long. Feel blessed in knowing that he is no longer hurting on this plain of existence, but rather is now free of the burdens he carried for so long.

I am so sorry for your loss, may you find peace in knowing that you are not alone.

My friend committed suicide leaving three children and a wonderful husband behind. I thought I knew her better than anyone and I thought her depression was finally under control. I was wrong!

We talked almost every day and when I talked to her on Sunday night she seemed her old self again. The last words she said to me was, "I love you as much as I do my sister". Two days later our mutual friend came to my door very early one morning and told me she had taken her life.

My first reaction was disbelief.. It was a horrible mistake... My second reaction was shock. Then came the anger. After that it was guilt. I told myself if I had only talked to her more, if I had only known the pain she was still in. In my head I went through each conversation we had to find something she might have said to indicate her state of mind. I have known one other friend who committed suicide , but hers hit me hardest.

There was nothing I could have done.. there is nothing you could
Have done. When a person is determined to do this there is nothing anyone can do. I am so sorry for your pain and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Never let yourself think it was your fault in anyway.. it wasn't. Please know I wish you strength and guidance in this horrible time you are going through. Blessings:)

Thank you for answering! I really appreciate it! Both the cyper hug and the advice!

Before I say anything else I do want to let you guys know that I'm very releaved that I don't feel guilty! I do know that there are people around me though who do. My aunt (his sister) talked to him on his birthday and the last thing he said to her was: Will you support me and be there no matter what? And she said: Of course I will! I love you!

I'm sorry if this post is a little incoherent, I feel kind of lost for words at times and this is one of these moments...

I do feel blessed though, because I have many wonderful people around me who have been there and I'm leaning on anyone who lets me lean on them... cause I really need it!

I'm sorry to hear about your losses as well, and feel blessed that you shared with me.

<3 Roxy

When it rains it pours and kitkat I apprechiate that you have me in your prays cause I really need it... my sister has gone into hiding in her happy bouble (I can't really blame her to be honest), My brother is in the basment and I'm really happy that all of his best buddies are trying to hold him up because I don't have the strength to do it...

And he is at a point where he is sucididal himself...

And I'm stuck with all the paper work... I just feel so despaired at the moment... cause I have no idea what to do about all the financial stuff. Granted I had to be a grown up when I was a teenager (such a long story! ) , so when I became an adult I tried until now to not be an adult... moving from apt to apt for the last 7 years and indulding in my studies and my part time job.

And now I feel like I'm getting hurrled into a part of life I hoped I'd never had to deal with... C'est la vie I guess.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this of my chest and the guy I'm dating has been dealing with a lot lately so I didn't want to unload this on him (he's also friends with my brother... so he is really getting pulled into my family at this point)

Yes...

I'm going to see a lawyer tomorrow though to get some help with this... which would be nice...

I think that's the only thing I'm mad at my dad for at this point (lord knows how this will develop as it all sinks in, cause its only been 3 weeks)

But I'm mad at him for not thinking about the fact that his three bio kids would end up dealing with all this paper-mill-crapola... and his girlfriend of 20 years will prob end up with NOTHING, because he was the breadwinner and we are the ones that have to deal with and straighten everything out... and he life will be permanetly altered cause everything he owned has to be sold of... and whatever is in pluss goes to lawyers, funeral homes and us...

Sorry this is so long! I just needed to get it out... I'm trying to find some sort of spot in the middle of this storm where I can hodl on tight to anything that's standing still

I feel like my world is crashing down around me... and I hate it!

If you read this... thank you for listening!

You feel like the world is crashing down around you because your world - as you've known it until now - has changed forever.

And you are right - when it rains, it pours.

Anger is also an easier emotion than grief but a good "mad" can get you through some rough times. To share a little bit - my husband and I had discussed his estate planning many, many times, because he was sick for a very long time. I thought I knew it all. Months before he died he changed his Will, never told me. I went into the Attorney's office, pretty consumed with grief (my husband died in my arms) and discovered he had rewritten his Will, leaving me a note explaining why.

As it happened he didn't divide his estate - he left it all to me but I wasn't expecting it, it was difficult to deal with his children and, like you, I was simply try to survive.

If I had any anger - and I never got angry with him, I really never did - it's because I don't understand why he didn't tell me.

Not what you are going through but a little light into what happens when someone dies.

{{ again - cyber hugs }}

Judy, thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear about your husband!

And good point... my world is forever changed, so no wonder its falling apart...

When we've lost people in my family (3 of my grandparents) I knew that stuff was fixed and that other family members had to do a lot of paper work etc... but omg when someone dies it really is a mess.

And yes, andger is far easier to deal with, the moment I feel sad it's like my body aches... and my hole body physicly hurt and nothing I do gets rid of it. I think that's why I'm clinging to the anger I feel right now.. cause its far easier than any of the other emotions that lies underneath the surfice... basically

Cause I know how to dela with the anger, and it's a different sort of pain...

I'm glad you weren't angry with your husband though and It must have been rough to deal with someone who is sick for so long!

A very close friend of mine lost her mom last year to a brain tumor and she said it was horrible to sit and wait for the end, and to see her disapair little by little (of course long term sickness is always different)

Judy... thank you for repliying and for listening! I'm sending a big cyperhug bag at you!

I came across this thread while searching the internet for any information suicide related and I feel that I can really connect with you. My name is Mitchell. I'm seventeen and my dad just committed suicide, coincidentally, on April 4 2010, the day you created this thread.

My dad was 42 and he was loved by everyone who knew him. None of us (my family) knew that he was as depressed as he was which is really sad, knowing that he held that much pain in and never let us see it.

Apparently, when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago, that was when my dad first started becoming depressed. He was also laid off from his job for a while (he worked construction and during the winter they don't work as much) and he must have felt useless to our family during that period. He started drinking more but that was just how he handled it. Eventually my grandma got better and my dad went back to work but he just kept on with the drinking. As far as I knew and from what I saw he only drank beer, but after the incident we found hard liquor bottles hidden in our basement. Also, talking to the bartender at the bar he went to the day of his suicide, he had been taking shots before he came home too. My mom knew he had a problem and she asked him to get help but he refused, he was 6' 5" and built; a big strong man like my dad isn't the type to ask for help. She thought it was still under his control though, she didn't realize that he was that dependent at that point.

On April 4, it was Easter Sunday and my mom and dad and eight year-old brother got up early and did the Easter thing while I slept in and my mom and dad went to work cleaning our basement. My dad helped a lot but towards the end he stepped out and drove down to the bar. When he came back my mom and him got into a small argument, nothing in comparison to some of the ones they've had in the past. My mom stepped upstairs for a minute and silently, my dad went downstairs and pulled out his competition trap shooting shotgun and killed himself. There's no way he was thinking clearly at that moment because he loved all of us way too much to ever subject us to something like that, especially when we were all in the house.

It devastated my family and especially my grandma and grandpa (my dad was an only child). I've had a huge burden placed on me as well, considering that I'm the man of the house now. I'm an emotional wreck and at this point it still doesn't even seem like this is real. This just isn't something I would have ever considered even a remote possibility. I miss him so much and I would give anything to just talk to him one more time. One thing I am really happy with though is that for the family only, we got to see him in an open casket before we buried him. At first they said there was no possibility for that but they called in specialists to work on him and make him presentable for the family to see him one more time. It gave me a lot of closure but I'm still having a hard time accepting it.

I'm sorry for writing such a long post but I just wanted to share with somebody who can understand my situation what I'm feeling and the situation that I'm in.

I'm sorry it took me a few days to answer this! And I'm sorry to hear about your heart ache. But feel privileged that you shared with me.

I hate how sudden my dads suicide was as well... how no one saw it coming. How they had celebrated his 45 birthday on the Friday before it happened... and than my step mom woke up the day after his actuall birthday and he was just hanging there... on a doorhandle in their kitchen.


I'm glad you shared. Personally I'm the kind of person who deals better with things through sharing and through talking about it.. and we are in the same boat.. if that's what we can call the place we're at.

Hve you thought about counceling or maybe finding a support group for people who have lost someone to sucicide? I'm an exchange student at the moment... but the first thing I'm going to do when I get back home is get an appointment with my therapist back home...

I don't know about you... but even though I'm almost 10 years older than you.. I feel this is a burden TOO BIG to handle on my own. I literally feel like I'm drowning. I can't sleep, I hardly eat and being around people who are in a good mood really brings me down...

I so understand where you're coming from... I would also give ANYTHING to just see him once more, to talk to him, to tell him I love him and for one last frikkin hug!

And there are times when I'm really mad at him for putting me in this sitution... where my brother (2 years younger than me) was suicidal at first and the thought of losing him to.. it really makes me sad and worried.

And I'm the oldest and seeing as or parents were divorced for 20 years and me and my siblings are all adults (adult children is more like it.. but still) I'm the one who has to go into the "Adult" role and deal with paper work and such...



It's a few days since you wrote. I hope you come back! Also I hope you're doing.. well OK... at this point I pretty much take OK over anything (cause the lows are just so extreme that Ok seems to be a shigh as I can go)

-----------------

How does your mom deal with this? Can you talk as a family about it? Or should you seriously consider "outside" help... as in outside your immidiate family?

It is highly unfair though that not only have you lost your dad but you have to take over his role in the family... so maybe you should think about greating a space for yourself where you are allowed to be heartbroken, sad and miss him. Cause all of these feelings that is rushing inside you... (which I'm not just assuming is there) they do need to be dealt with!

Love,
Roxy

My father died almost ten years ago from a heart attack, and I think of him daily.

When I was 15, his sister hung herself. It almost killed my grandmother. Such a waste.

It's not our place to try and figure out why someone takes their own life. It's our place to respect them, and celibrate their life. The time that were fortunate enough to have had with them.

Know that your father is at peace, and he would want you to be happy in whatever you decide to do.

I know it's not fair, but life hardly ever is.

May God bless you, and grant you peace and understanding.

My father died almost ten years ago from a heart attack, and I think of him daily.

When I was 15, his sister hung herself. It almost killed my grandmother. Such a waste.

It's not our place to try and figure out why someone takes their own life. It's our place to respect them, and celibrate their life. The time that were fortunate enough to have had with them.

Know that your father is at peace, and he would want you to be happy in whatever you decide to do.

I know it's not fair, but life hardly ever is.

May God bless you, and grant you peace and understanding.


Thank you!

So sorry to hear of your difficult situation, my heart and prayers go out to you, and your family, as you gather strength to get through this. I have faith that you will.

>cyber hug<

So sorry to hear of your difficult situation, my heart and prayers go out to you, and your family, as you gather strength to get thru this. I have faith that you will.

>cyber hug<

Thank you Tal for your condolences and sympathy >Cyber hug< right back at you!

And thank you for the faith in me! It really is helpful to hear that. It strengthen my own faith in myself... and that I have been able to get through tough things before. So I hope to get through this one.



I am doing a little better right now though. Less crying at night. But I still have moments where sadness takes over.

But I'm trying to do something constructive though.

When my dad died it felt like a part of me died with him, like half of me was suddenly, and very unexcpectedly erased from this earth so I have truned to researching my family history and looking into my heritage... I find it soothing. To see the documents and traces of my grandparents, greatgrandparents... and so on.. to see that even though he's gone. Traces of him and were we came from still exists.

Does this sound crazy?

I want to offer my sympathy to all the posters here who have experienced loss of loved ones to suicide. I lost a friend to suicide a few years ago - we have a big, close group of friends and though we all knew he was struggling with some issues, none of us knew how badly he was feeling - we figured he'd get through it, and that he'd call us if he needed us.

I think all you can do is make sure that you don't let suicide be an option in your life. When it happens in a family or a group of friends, sometimes another suicide will follow so make sure that you know there are other options for getting through hard times.

Often people might feel that even if they confide in others, those people cannot change what is wrong in their lives. Like, we can complain to family and friends about a lost job or divorce, but they can't change our circumstances. However, sometimes people just need medications to take the edge off the depression and allow them to deal with and resolve these problems on their own, and to enable them to get through it, and keep moving toward better times.

Don't be afraid to reach out to a support group or counselor to learn how to cope with this terrible event that has changed your life. And make a point of talking as a family about what you all will do if any of you ever has similar thoughts.

Take care and God bless!

No, it doesn't sound crazy - it's a Circle of Life. I always think that as long as I remember the people I've lost they are not entirely gone - and every one has impacted my life in some way.

You are who/what you are today in part due to your father.

Cherish that.

My Uncle committed suicide, hung himself in the basement, left his suicide note on his teen daughters bed so she'd find him. To this day, 29 years later, his 4 daughters still don't forgive him.

You have to let it go, hard as it may be, and realize that you still have a life to live, a future to go towards. Not an easy task, but knowing you on this board Roxy, you can do it and you have us for any support that you may need.

You're in my thoughts. If you need us, we'll be here, know that and use it.

My Uncle committed suicide, hung himself in the basement, left his suicide note on his teen daughters bed so she'd find him. To this day, 29 years later, his 4 daughters still don't forgive him.

You have to let it go, hard as it may be, and realize that you still have a life to live, a future to go towards. Not an easy task, but knowing you on this board Roxy, you can do it and you have us for any support that you may need.

You're in my thoughts. If you need us, we'll be here, know that and use it.

I'm sorry to hear about your Uncle Alty!

And you are right.. life goes on and it has to be lived. I did go back to school though, which is located at the other side of the planet from where I live. I'm glad I did. Especillay now that finals are up and I have actually managed to pass all my classes and I'm even doing well in all of them. Makes me proud of me and makes me feel that at least soemthing good happened this semester. Seeing as my dads death made everything that happened prior to march bleak at best.

I am glad though that I do have this extra support system in place (AMHD) and I will def use it! And thank you for reminding me that AMHD is here.

And I'm continuing with the family histopry reseach. I have found so many hamazing details. Even though I'm doing this for me (mostly), I know that he would have loved that someone did this. So I feel like I'm doing something good for him as well. Even though he doesn't get to enjoy the facts I dig up. I feel that it lifts me by just knowing that he would have liked it..

I'm sorry to bring this up here, but I'm going home in less than two weeks and I'm starting to feel a bit anxious because when I get home I have to leave this little bubble I've created for myself.. and I feel an immense pressure from one of my best friends because she didn't really seem to undersand how badly this has affected me and I feel that she is expecting things to be like it was before my dad died...

And I just feel different. I'm responding differently to situations that are everyday. For ex. My tolerance for BS before this happened was low but now its extremely low. And I like doing different things than before this happened. There are people in my life I have always appriciated and now I appreciate them even more. I'm also more thanful for everyday and just to be alive than I used to be

I don't know what I'm trying to say here so I'm going to try to come up with a metaphor...

Okay so say I'm a vase. Before my dad died I was whole. Shiny and what not.

When my dad died I shattered and now I'm trying to glue myself back together again... but I'll never be the same as I was. I'm trying to live life, I'm going to school, I'm still learing and developing academiclly, I'm going back to work when I get home and I'm doing social stuff... but my perspective has changed, my priorities has changed and the things I endulge in has changed...

Does this make sense?

And is it wrong of me to be a little mad at the people who expect me to be like before? Cause I'm a little mad at a close friend of mine. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it lately and last night when I couldn't sleep I think I figuered out why I'm mad, but I feel like I'm being a little unreasonable about it.. If it sounds unreasonable... how can I go about restructuring my thinking?

When my dad died I went home less than 12 hours after finding out. It took me halv a day to get home seeing as I had to go from the US and back to Europe.

The day I got home it was still settleing in, the reality of things and I didn't know anything about anything so I was pretty confused on top of the sadness. My siblings and I gathered some of our friends and we hung out that evening. They were very supportive and let us flow from the subject of our dad and onto other subjects and than back to our dad.

My friend however was really happy to see me and I get that she was happy and I get that she was in an emotional space where my pain wasn't real to her and totally collided with her happyness over having me back home. Her brithday was just a few days after I got home, so what she told me this day was that she was going to have a b-day party and it was so great that I was home, because now I could come and it would just make her day PERFECT.

I was honest with her and told her that the day of her birthday my siblings and I were going to our stepmoms house (the house dad hung himself in) to talk about what had happened and get something's in order, i.e. plans for the funural. So I was not coming to the party because I would mostlikely just be broken and sad... and not in a mood to party.

She tried to convince me that it would be good for me and that I should come and it couldn't hurt to have fun.

I felt that this was so intrusive.
I also felt, as I was sitting there having this conversation.. and now as I'm thinking about it, that it was disrespectful of her. Cause I know her well enough to interpret her way o trying to convince me as... kind of selfish.

I told her that again: sorry, but no. I do hope it's going to be great though and trust me it will be better without me cause I'm prob. Going to end up dragging everyone down.

She got a little mad at me and I can't really remember what was said, but it ended up with her pushing me to come and than I told her (and I was pissed off) that FINE, I'll see if I can BOTHER to make it.

Of course this made her mad and she was mad at me for days. She cancled the party because of me and told me that she felt that I was making time for everyone but her.

After this I have avoided talking to her on the phone, on texts and msn video chat... I just can't do it.

Any advice on how to handle this. Cause I feel like I'm overreacting but I have no idea how to deal with it or change it into a mode where I'm NOT overreacting. Cause in part I feel like pushing her out of my life, but we have been good friends for a long time and I really have appriciated our friendship and yeah.. I don't know what to do...


Sorry this is so long!

Thanks for listening!

Roxy

I will just bet that as you were writing this you were coming to some personal conclusions of how to handle your friend and other matters as well.

First a brief story. When I was a teenager, following the death of my grandmother, I met with my general cluster of friends and expected some expressions of concern or recognition of my loss. Deference of some kind. Received none. None then or in the future. That was an emotional shock to me and I still recall it. Still don't understand it, but no lasting consequences.

Second, I want to recognize that you have used an extremely traumatic circumstance to make pro-active choices. You have confronted the death of a loved one with the additional emotional complications of suicide superimposed. That is a stunning emotional blow (I recognize but you experienced) and your response is remarkable.

Death brings about disorientation, confusion and fluctuating levels of acceptance. This requires a long period of reorientation. Some people will understand. Some won't. Some things will change for a while other changes will be enduring.

Your friends response to your emotional state is probably not unusual and related more to age and lack of experience and therefore an inability to empathize as opposed to callousness or selfishness. However, whatever her motivation, you can't control that. Your response to her was reasonable, appropriate and entirely consistent with your emotional state at that time. Continue that practice. If your friendship is long-standing I imagine this will work itself out and you'll both be wiser for the experience.

Finally, you mentioned "a little bubble" that you had created for yourself. As time intervenes you will be returning to a normal flow of activities. To this point you have probably been completely engulfed in the activities and rituals that surrounded your dad's death. These have developed through the ages to focus grief and mourning and in themselves offer relief and distraction from the immediate reality. Now you have to go on and very potent emotions will come and go. Anger, resentment, blame are all common. Be prepared for that in addition to sadness and self-blame. (better minds than mine, Kubler-Ross, say these occur in a particular order or sequence, but I'm not at all sure of that) Either way, you will experience some emotional upheaval and I'm sure you'll deal with that, and work through it, in the same level headed methods you've used to this point.

I wish you the best in your life. Always here to provide any assistance available to me.

With time your friend will understand where you are coming from, and you're so right about coming out of your bubble after a life changing event. The world of reality is one hell of a teacher and most lessons are painful to go through (growing pains?? ).

You are a different person, who sees and acts a bit different now that you know how fragile life can be and how fast it can change with no warning.

Forgive your friend, she meant no harm and was honestly just trying to share her own excitement, and she will learn eventually that her timing was off.

Unfortunate, but it happens all the time. You both will grow from the experience, whether closer together, or apart, who can say.

For sure though, its your time for you first. There is no hurry to bust the bubble, when you are ready is soon enough. But life will give you all kinds of hints about moving forward. You'll see.

Dr.Bill and Tal: wow, you both blew my mind with your advice! It was more helpful than I can describe in words! So thank you both for taking the time to aswer me!

Dr.Bill: I think you're right. After reading your post I don't think she was being callous or selfish. I can def see it as a point of lack of experience... I don't know if it has to do with the fact that she is 5 years younger than me and maybe that's why I think it might be inexperience and that's why I agree with that being a possible reason for her actions rather than selfishness and calousness.. but yeah...

Anyway...

I find your advice helpful, I also found it helpful that both of you recognized traits in my character that I couldn't see that clearly and it was good to see it.

And yes life is one hell of a teacher! Good and bad, especially bad. The hard falls are usually were (from my own experience) where the richest and deepest of lessons can be learned.

I won't write her of. I'm also going to try to be level headed the next time I see her. Which won't be for at least 3 weeks. So I have sometime to preper for being nice. (which might sound weired, but I found lately that at times I'm really tired and I'm not always as nice or as pleasant as I used to be. Of course the nice and pleasant Roxy used to be sincere and now I'm just riding what ever emotional horse is at my side. Result being, I'm not always that nice. I'm straighforward and honest.)

Once again. Thank you! You gave me food for thought and I'm going to ponder and aply the advice given to me!

Roxy

Hi Roxy,

I'm sorry for not seeing this thread sooner. Sounds like you've made lots of progress from the first post of this thread.

I'm really sorry for your lose. Losing someone close to you is never easy. There are going to be lots of emotional challenges along the way. It's how you overcome them that counts.

You don't need to put extra pressure on yourself by expecting to overcome all the obstacles in one shot. Focus on one at the time. Every time you tackle a challenge, you will learn from experience and be better prepared in the future when you encounter another one.

On a side not, if you ever need to vent, you know we're her for you.

These post's have helped me a lot, my uncle committed suicide today and I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it, and all I can do is cry, he never showed any signs or symptoms of anything, he was only back from work (overseas in Libia for 3) days and he seemed fine... and I quote "just tired" and today my aunt woke up and found him on the deck with a gun... I'm really confused... I can't seem to wrap my head around how he got to this place, or if I could have helped... what was going through his mind... a million questions that will never be answered =(

These post's have helped me alot, my uncle committed suicide today and im not sure how im feeling about it, and all i can do is cry, he never showed any signs or symptoms of anything, he was only back from work (overseas in Libia for 3) days and he seemed fine... and i quote "just tired" and today my aunt woke up and found him on the deck with a gun... im really confused... i can't seem to wrap my head around how he got to this place, or if i could have helped... what was going through his mind... a million questions that will never be answered =(




There is nothing you could have done to stop it. Troubled people don't give any sign to their loved ones when it comes to suicide. They may show signs of depression and there is help for that. Don't feel guilty for something you couldn't have forseen. You are in my prayers.

These post's have helped me alot, my uncle committed suicide today and im not sure how im feeling about it, and all i can do is cry, he never showed any signs or symptoms of anything, he was only back from work (overseas in Libia for 3) days and he seemed fine... and i quote "just tired" and today my aunt woke up and found him on the deck with a gun... im really confused... i can't seem to wrap my head around how he got to this place, or if i could have helped... what was going through his mind... a million questions that will never be answered =(
I'm glad you found this thread helpful!

There is nothing you could have done. As sad as that thought and fact is, it's the truth. I thought the same thing... hadn't I forgotten his b-day maybe my dad would have held on... had he gotten my letter before he died maybe he would have held on..

I think that when a person comes that far into the process of wanting to die, that they actually follow through and committ suicide... that was there wish, both your uncle and my dad.

It doesn't make it any less sad though. That this was something they wanted. The pain is still there.

But I don't want you to blame yourself for this! Cause there is nothing you could have done about it.

I am very sorry for your pain! I really am. No one should go through what you are going through.

Do you have emidiate family by yourside? It might be helpful for all of you to lean on each other and to try and remember the good times, good sides of him, moments you appreciate.

I started keeping a diary where I write down memories. I find that helpful!

Of course you are still at the beginning of the sorrow and the part where its all still processing.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that I am here, as well as other people on AMHD. I have found them to be wonderful and sympathetic people and a great help in sorting out my thoughts.

I'm glad you found this thread helpful!

There is nothing you could have done. As sad as that thought and fact is, its the truth. I thought the same thing... hadn't I forgotten his b-day maybe my dad would have held on... had he gotten my letter before he died maybe he would have held on..

I think that when a person comes that far into the process of wanting to die, that they actually follow through and committ suicide... that was there wish, both your uncle and my dad.

It doesn't make it any less sad though. That this was something they wanted. The pain is still there.

But I don't want you to blame yourself for this! Cause there is nothing you could have done about it.

I am very sorry for your pain! I really am. No one should go through what you are going through.

Do you have emidiate family by yourside? It might be helpful for all of you to lean on each other and to try and remember the good times, good sides of him, moments you appreciate.

I started keeping a diary where I write down memories. I find that helpful!

Of course you are still at the beginning of the sorrow and the part where its all still processing.

i'm so sorry for your loss. Know that I am here, as well as other people on AMHD. I have found them to be wonderful and sympathetic people and a great help in sorting out my thoughts.







It's so painful to read your stories... Beleive me when I say.. questioning what you did or didn't do won't do any good. When a troubled person has a mindset of suicide.. nothig can deter them. Don't carry any guilt around with you.. you are carrying the grief which is horrible all by itself.

There is a lot of grief when a person chooses to do this and if you add guilt it will seem almost unbearable. Believe me, there is nothing you could have said or done. Blessings

Roxy - if I may call you that - when anyone dies the survivors question and question. It doesn't have to be a suicide, although admittedly with a suicide you think in terms of how you could have prevented it.

My life has gone on but there are nights that I am awake, wondering "If only I had known that THIS time my husband's condition was far more serious than the Doctors realized; if ONLY I had gone to dialysis with him (which I sometimes did); if ONLY; if ONLY.

It's part of life.

You will ALWAYS question the what/when/how - in time you will come to terms with it.

I'm not a religious person. I am a spiritual person. Your father is at peace now.

Roxy - if I may call you that - when anyone dies the survivors question and question. It doesn't have to be a suicide, although admittedly with a suicide you think in terms of how you could have prevented it.

My life has gone on but there are nights that I am awake, wondering "If only I had known that THIS time my husband's condition was far more serious than the Doctors realized; if ONLY I had gone to dialysis with him (which I sometimes did); if ONLY; if ONLY.

It's part of life.

You will ALWAYS question the what/when/how - in time you will come to terms with it.

I'm not a religious person. I am a spiritual person. Your father is at peace now.

Yes feel free to call me Roxy :)

I know your right about the questions. I also think they come naturally. Even when its not suicide.




Right now I'm having a bad day. Yesterday marked 2 months since he died. I know that we still have to put him into the ground and that worries me.

It kind of feels like I have a second funural to go to... although I feel it also marks the end of his journey. His body traveled quite the distance after he died and he was cremated (spelling?) so we haven't actually put him in the ground yet. I am glad that we will be putting him to rest though in the cemetery where he wanted to be put to rest.

Even though I often find myself heart broken about my dads death... I often look at the picture I have of him on my dresser and feel nothing but a deep love for him and a sense of peace knowing that this was after all his choice and he did work hard to make it happen. So what ever it was that caused him to see this as is way out. At least it was a choice he made and it is comforting to know that he is at peace now. And to put him to rest at the cemetery.. well I think it will be nice to have a place to actually visit him when I feel like I need it.

Cause being so far away and knowing we haven't placed him there yet is like bing in limbo...


Although I will admit that it still hits me at times that I can't actually believe that this is real

- And my experience is that you will continue to have bad days for a long time. The good news is that you will also have a lot of good days and you are well on your way to accepting his death.

Yes, the burial is like a second death but I found the good thing is that it is a form of closure. Closure (for me) came in little baby steps.

He sounds like he was a good father because you have loving memories of him. That's what you have to hold on to - the way he lived, not the way he died.

I think you are well on your way to finding peace.

There is peace after something like this happens... but the anger and shock and guilt will have to run it's coarse.

Know this.. you are a good person
And so are many others here who have lost someone to suicide. You can go over and over and over what you could have done, but it all boils down to this.. you couldn't have stopped it.

You could have stayed with him twenty-four hours a day seven days a week and he would have found a way to do it.

Remember this... you did everything a person could do for him... Troubled hearts and minds are something we as ordinary people are not equipped to know how to handle.

Gods' love and peace are with you. It's like balm on an aching heart... We here at AMHD love you and you are part of us now. We're here anytime you need us.

Thanks you all for the support, I'm still so confused and absolutley shocked, its literally hard to function sometimes... and I keep remembering such odd things about my Uncle, like his odd obsession with making sure cupboard doors are closed lol.. and when I think of them I laugh out loud, and just as quickly as I laughed I find myself angry. Angry to the point that I lash out at anyone... I don't know if this is noramal or not... I have some family here but not they type of family that likes to acknowledge any kind of death out loud let alone suicide. My friends don't understand what I'm feeling they understand the pain and the saddness but not the intense anger and frustration and like everyone knows, there is no answer to the millions of questions I have. Im am so glad I found this site, its really nice to have somewhere to go, and just vent and be real about this even if it is for only a few minutes. I don't know how I would get through this without all of you who understand where I am... thank you =)

It's hard to lose anyone to death. Suicide is probably the hardest thing I had to deal with when I lost two friends within a couple of years of each other.

One minute I was in denial, the next I was crying and asking "how could you do such a stupid thing"

There were bouts of depression I could barely pull myself out of. The anger was horrible and I even questioned God.

There were days I would even start to call one of them and then I would realize, they're gone and it would hit me all over again.

My husband and my family were wonderful and my children. God carried me that whole time.
One morning I realized, there was nothing I could have done. I know that now.

You will get past this... cry when you feel like it... scream if you want too. Break a few dishes (not only will you feel better, you won't have to wash them)LOL

Honestly it helps to vent. You are in my prayers sweetie and we are all here anytime you need to vent. Blessings to you sweetie.

I'm finally home... when I got home I asked my family when we're going to put dad into the ground.

Lately I've had a bad feeling. Ever since the 14th. That maybe... just maybe my step mom and her kids were going to put my dads urn into the ground before I got home.

It turns out that's exacly what they've done. 2 days before the service they sent my brother a text informing him when the urn was to be placed into the ground.

I can't even begin to verbalize how P.Oed I am at the entire situation. They knew when I was coming home and decided to hold it 1 week before I came home... + my siblings weren't even consulted when it would be good for them to do it...

I'm finally home... when I got home i asked my family when we're gonna put dad into the ground.

Lately I've had a bad feeling. Ever since the 14th. That maybe... just maybe my step mom and her kids were going to put my dads urn into the ground before I got home.

It turns out thats exacly what they've done. 2 days before the service they sent my brother a text informing him when the urn was to be placed into the ground.

I can't even begin to verbalize how P.Oed I am at the entire situation. They knew when I was coming home and decided to hold it 1 week before I came home... + my siblings weren't even consulted when it would be good for them to do it...




Some advice and most here probably won't agree; this is a way of getting out some of the anger. You tell your stepmom EXACTLY how you feel about this. Hold nothing back.. (don't hit her or anything) She was his second wife, not your mom and her kids if they are old enough
Should have informed you.

Have a small memorial service for your Dad in a place he liked. Share memories and tears and photos. Just you and your siblings, you don't have to invite the wi.. the stepmom. You'll feel better. Hugs to you... Kit

Thank you Kit!!

They are old enough, 22 and 24 (step siblings)

And the second memorial service is a nice idea! I'm going to get on that. Gather my siblings, my aunts (his sisters) and do it our way.

And I will tell her what I think of this! Cause I think its sh**ty behaviour!

My heart goes out to you, and to all of you who posted who have been effected by death and suicide. Your heart is feeling a deep burden because it didn't have the final say. It is the authority in your life and it dictates to you how much or how little love is required in you to give. That's been shut off and taken away and now the heart needs a way to continue as it was... sometimes it turns itself over to guilt and pain, and other times it just exists, refusing to allow love to become altered so it can exist in a new form, changed but not tainted. Time can be a way to heal, but even that itself seems to go at a snails pace... placing one foot in front of the other to see you through one day to the next is sometimes all you can do.

If you need to talk, any of you, I'm here... HUGS!

I agree with Kit - put closure to this any way you can. Maybe being "there" would have been a nightmare for you. Perhaps something simple, releasing a balloon (I know, bad for the environment), doing whatever you can to honor your father is more important than actually being there when his ashes were buried. My husband (who was sick for a long time so we talked about everything) wanted me to "follow his casket." He wanted no one at his burial, including his children, They will never understand. It sounds like this is not your situation but maybe - ? Or am I being overly hopeful that there is some kindness left in the World?

And I was going to add what my husband told me - as long as I remember him he's not gone from me. And he's not.

You'll be okay. This is another bump in the road.

Judy makes a great point as you never know what instructions were left with the step family about how to handle his affairs. But a memorial between you and your siblings is a great suggestion.

Acceptance is closure, even if our emotions are stirred up.

Judy makes a great point as you never know what instructions were left with the step family about how to handle his affairs. But a memorial between you and your siblings is a great suggestion.

Acceptance is closure, even if our emotions are stirred up.




Very True!

The thing is... she tried to call my brother and ended up sending him a text telling him were and when this would take place. My aunt (dads sister) called her and asked her to put it of. She called the funeral home and asked them to put it of.

But she did tell my brother so I we were "technicly" not left out. But she knew that I wouldn't be home until yesterday... so why not put it of until I was home? Why not call us before making the arrangements and letting us take part?

He had talked to her about his wishes when my grandfather died in 2007. But not since then. From what she told us.

We weren't a big part of their lives. Not by choice I might add. I was the only one who had conntact with him these past few years. Several times over the past few years he called me and told me that he missed all of us and was genuinly sad that life turned out the way it had. He also asked my advice on how he could regain and maintain better conntact with my siblings. My siblings did see him though on two occations in 2008 and I haven't seen him in person since we saw him christmas 2008.

I don't know. I'm just tired. Things have been complicated for the past 15 years and even more so in the past 10. My mom made it difficult to. For him, for us. I feel that the contact he and I established in 2003 was the start of a better road for us and I wish I knew him better. I know my sister who is 5 years younger than me has had an even more difficult time with this.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm sick of this insomnia riding me. I'm going back into therapy next week though. Which will be good for me I think.

JudY: a baloon is a nice idea!

Kit: I talked to my fam and we're going to have a private seremoni. For us.

My brother is taking me to the grave site to day though. I'm thinking pale pink roses... they smell good, they have nice delicate color, and are a mix between white (peace) and red (love) so yeah. I'm pretty settled on that.

And Judy, it prob would have been painful for me. To have been there. But now I feel this sense of rejection. Like my pain doesn't matter. Only the pain of the others. Like my pain is non existent. Like I wasn't my dads kid. Like I'm not sad, heart broken and confused. It feels like a slap in the face.

When he died they didn't call us at first... my brother found out through a friend (who is friends with our step sis) the whole situastion is f-ed up!

Yu have every right to feel what you do, and it is horrible the way that you've all been treated in this.

I have had it said to me "Death changes you." and I saw the negative change in others, but I also felt the positive change in myself and others as well.

As hurt as you are, try not to let your dad's death and the events around it change you into someone you do not like. You should not excuse the negative behavior that was done to you and those you care about, but in time, please learn to forgive... forgiveness isn't so much for the other person as it is for you.

A person tried to take your closure away by not telling you. The message behind this is quite clear in that mistakes are made with people who are left in control to deal with funerals and planning, the realm of thinking this person was in, was clearly a flight and fight response and a bit of panic and perhaps a bit of an authority telling everyone'this is my husband' and you know what? In the light of eternity it doesn't matter. You can hold your head up high, and know that your dad would have been proud of you how you handled the situation and he would not want you to worry about this small stuff. I know it seem monumental to your heart but I think your dad would want you- you to concentrate on the message behind his words when you last spoke to him. He would want you to look upon your memory and remember and know without a shadow of a doubt that in his own way your dad was trying to tell you that he loves you fiercely. We make choices and at the time they seem ideal, but there is nothing that can cause us to stop loving our children, no matter the situation, or who comes into our lives.
You were precious to your dad, and this is what your heart needs to cling onto right now, because the hurt and struggle of trying to make sense of all these actions of this tragedy will never make sense. Hang onto the memory for your heart's lifeline and know regardless of what others may think, want you to believe, or have shown through their actions. Your dad loved you and love all his children. That can never be taken from you. You were loved, were wanted and even through this slap in the face, you can hold your head high and rise above this to live your life in integrity to show yourself that your dad valued you because of who you are!

The thing is... she tried to call my brother and ended up sending him a text telling him were and when this would take place. My aunt (dads sister) called her and asked her to put it of. She called the funeral home and asked them to put it of.

But she did tell my brother so I we were "technicly" not left out. But she knew that I wouldn't be home until yesterday... so why not put it of until I was home? Why not call us before making the arrangements and letting us take part?

He had talked to her about his wishes when my grandfather died in 2007. But not since then. From what she told us.

We weren't a big part of their lives. Not by choice I might add. I was the only one who had conntact with him these past few years. Several times over the past few years he called me and told me that he missed all of us and was genuinly sad that life turned out the way it had. He also asked my advice on how he could regain and maintain better conntact with my siblings. My siblings did see him though on two occations in 2008 and I haven't seen him in person since we saw him christmas 2008.

I don't know. I'm just tired. Things have been complicated for the past 15 years and even more so in the past 10. My mom made it difficult to. For him, for us. I feel that the contact he and I established in 2003 was the start of a better road for us and I wish I knew him better. I know my sister who is 5 years younger than me has had an even more difficult time with this.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm sick of this insomnia riding me. I'm going back into therapy next week though. Which will be good for me I think.

JudY: a baloon is a nice idea!

Kit: I talked to my fam and we're gonna have a private seremoni. For us.

My brother is taking me to the grave site to day though. I'm thinking pale pink roses... they smell good, they have nice delicate color, and are a mix between white (peace) and red (love) so yeah. I'm pretty settled on that.

and Judy, it prob would have been painful for me. to have been there. But now I feel this sense of rejection. Like my pain doesn't matter. Only the pain of the others. Like my pain is non existent. Like I wasn't my dads kid. Like I'm not sad, heart broken and confused. It feels like a slap in the face.

When he died they didn't call us at first... my brother found out through a friend (who is friends with our step sis) the whole situastion is f-ed up!

I'm so sorry Roxy... I wish I could take away some of your pain and anger. I just heard the song "Dance With My Father Again", last night and even though he's been gone for eight years I still cry. I think this ceremony will help. God bless you Sweetie.Remember this you are not alone... I'm sure there were reasons your dad thought he had to do this.
No one knows... I do know this, no matter how you lose a parent.. it tears your heart out of your chest. You are strong.. I can tell that by the way you have written your feelings.

Don't you ever forget, you were his child and he loved you. Don't forget that ever! Sometimes this world is just too hard for some people and they think suicide is the only way out. If they only knew the pain they leave behind. I really don't think your Dad was in the right frame of mind to know how badly he would hurt you and your family by his actions.
You are strong and you will get through this and it will get easier... I promise you. When my dad passed away from multiple health problems, I had come home to rest after spending nearly every waking moment at the hospital and finally after he had been there nearly twenty-one days.. I left the hospital to come home and rest.. I chose that night to do that.

I was in bed and the phone rang and my husband came in the bedroom and said, "he's gone". I could not and even now cannot believe I left and he died after I had come home.
All my brothers and sisters were with him except me and I remember kissing his forehead and his hands and saying, "I love you Daddy, see you in the morning".

I know I will see him again soon, when it's time for me to leave this world and he'll be healthy and no longer crippled and he'll be in heaven and it will be wonderful. But every now and then I think.. "if I had been laying in that hospital so sick, he would have never left me". There is a reason for all the things that happen, good or bad and someday we'll
Know why. Hugs and prayers to you... Kit

Wow, this is really hard. You have 42 answers so why I'm doing this? My dad took his life on April 13, 2008, and I remember everything as though I am still in that very moment. Because my dad was a donor, he was kept alive with machines for an extra day, I don't need to describe to you the confusion and false hope we all felt. October 19, 2008 seven months later my own children's dad took his life, and his little brother (my kid's favorite Uncle at the time) took his on November 17, 2005. I don't see this pain ever subsiding, only growing deeper and darker for my children and myself. Ive never felt this kind of pain, my dad was my best friend, and now my poor kids.
Some days the fog lifts and I know things will never be the same, its not that the pain will leave you, it's that somehow with time it somehow becomes manageable. The hurt remains, but you become stronger (at times even callus) and learn to walk with your head up and know how to stop the tears. Now at least you'll know, nothing else can hurt you...

On 13 of spetember my father comitide suicide by his pistolet. I was sleeping in my room. He killed himself when I was sleeping what do I have to do I am depressed

I'm sorry this answer is so late..
My father committed suicide May 17th, 2007. We lived alone, because my parents had joint custody. When I came home one day, there was a rope over the bathroom door. He hung himself and I was 11 years old when I found him. I came to live with my mom after that. I still have breakdowns and cry. Its not getting much better yet. I just realized recently.. I don't even remember his voice. I still blame myself even..

Ths post literally breaks my heart. A very dear friend of mine committed suicide and her children are still haunted by it.

You know it's not your fault. It really isn't. For whatever reason he simply felt he could not go on.

As far as blaming yourself, unfortunately, there's a certain survivor's guilt, guilt that you are here and he is gone. I have been told it's part of the grieving process.

I was widowed following my husband's long illness and I still get twinges of that same "Why didn't I/couldn't I do something to save him" feeling.

Do you talk to someone, a professional, maybe someone who just listen to you, understand? I found group to be no help but one on one helped me, even if it was "only" a friend who cared and understood.

And, again, I'm so very sorry.

My name is Olya... live in Berlin. I don't know how to start... My father committed suicide when I was 5. They divorced when I was 10 months. My mom only told me when I was 16 and it was quite a shock. I mean I always thought that when a person dies it's kind of normal but with suicide it's different I've never had somebody who actually did it. I'm 24 now and I can say that the pain is gone but I still don't understand the reason and that makes me really depressed. Sometimes I have dreams and I talk to him and ask how he can recognize me because I was so small. I don't remember him at all (he started another family and had a son (my halfbrother)but he had good relationship with my mom, send postcards for my birthdays and no problems with alimony he even gave me my mother's name)... I just don't understand how he could! Because he had 2 children he was a loving and caring father!As far as I can judge by my stepbrother's memories.
I never thought about suicide or read anything before but some days ago I had this vivid dream where I talked to him and I decided to read about it and to hear other people. I know that I should get used to live without him but these thoughts they make me so sad (I'm going to marry in some time and I always wanted my father took me to the church or to tell him that I graduated and found a good job... )And sometimes I want to capture that moment when he came to visit me but I can't:((
I don't think this is the right place to write but I see that guys here understand the way that I feel. And maybe somebody has a clue how NOT to center on this thought. I just needed to share my story. I thank you all for reading.

Love hart: have you considered therapy? It might be good for you to talk to a professional about your feelings surrounding your fathers suicide. It seems that you might benefit from having a professional to talk to about the feelings you have. I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful than this... I honestly ddon'tknow how you can prossess the feelings you are experienceing.

Thank you roxypox for your advice I guess I'll consider this option. It's just nice to have a response:)

I'm glad you found it helpful. A therapist might be able to help you to process what has happened and your feelings... and even shed some new light. Best of luck hon!

My dad committed suicide in may leaving me(17) and my little brother(2) behind he also hung himself and his girlfriend found him although a lot of people think she is the reason he did it but I don't like her she already has a new boyfriend since fall and I wonder why he did it I was going to call him the night before but I thought it was too late so that day I got home from my 5k race and my mom told me to sit down she said it was about my dad I was like so what him and Melanie got into a fight happenes all the time she shook her head no I was like what is he dead and she shook her head yes I just fell it felt like someone put a knife thro my heart a punch in the face and it made me mad he did the day before mothers day and he left me his baby girl who he says he loved all the time but yet he left me he left my little brother who won't even remember him I'm going to have to tell him how great his dad was how funny his dad was but what if he starts asking did daddy love me did he do it because of me... That's what losses me off the most and ever since me and my moms relationship has gone down because I can't talk to her like I talked to my dada and she is making me see a consuler which I don't want to do but my dad was truly my best friend he might have not been the best influence but he was the best person to talk to now I often turn to guys or weed which sucks but I don't know it makes me feel better and when I get in trouble she cries because my dad took care of that kind of stuff I loved him so much and my mom didn't understand why he never did anythng for me but its because he actually listened to me and I could talk to him I can't talk to my mom like I could with him :( and this year the day after prom is the one year mark which is also mothers day I don't know I just he could have talked to me about this instead of doing this I love him and always will even though he is gone I know he is watching his baby girl :)