I am a 46 year old married woman with teenage children living in a rural village. Around eight years ago we became friendly with another couple (X and Y) in the village. I go shopping/walking regularly with the other woman, but I am beginning to have concerns over the relationship.

A few years ago I bought a leather coat. Next time I saw my friend Y she had a leather coat too. I bought a brown jacket, she bought a brown jacket. I bought a linen skirt, she did the same etc. OK, we are similar in age and colouring but we look like twins! I now won't buy clothes when she's there.

We have introduced X and Y to other friends. I feel, however, that Y sees friendship as a sort of competition. She has fallen out with most of my female friends and is upset if I mention that I have been out with them (so I don't mention it). We introduced them to a friend (actually a friend of my husband's) and her partner who live just outside our village. Within a fortnight Y had invited this couple to stay with her.

We got an allotment, so Y got an allotment, and then tried to become best friends with our next door neighbours who also have one.

At New Year we have had a dinner party for some years. Y insisted that she should hold one last year, but only invited us and our friends. I was quite happy for her to do this but I just find it strange.

Another incident occurred when a friend Q asked me to help her move house on our normal walk day. Y had already told me she couldn't go out that day as she was going away and I said that was fine as I had been asked to help Q. When I turned up just after 9am Y had already been there for an hour and spent the morning cosying with Q and flirting with her boyfrieend. At lunchtime she said to Q "Ok then I'll see you in a fortnight and you can come round for my birthday". I had a distinct feeling that this was done very deliberately in front of me to try to upset me (although why she feels it would is a mystery) - not least because Q subsequently told me that Y cancelled the arrangement at short notice by text(!)

Y also seems to take great joy in trying to wind me up over my children, frequently making unpleasant remarks. I am not a confrontational person and have refused to rise to this but it does annoy me as I do not behave in this manner towards her (or anyone else for that matter). On occasions when I have been very upset or offended she laughs it off with "Oh, I was only joking".

The incident which brings me to write here is this:

About two months ago we were out walking and at the pub at lunchtime I zipped my favourite (small) hat in my backpack whilst I went to the loo. I forgot about the hat when I came out and walked back without it. When I got home, however, I went to get it to take our dog for a walk and found that it was missing from the still zipped backpack. I said to my husband that I thought Y had taken it, but he said I was being silly as what possible reason could she have.

Last weekend we were at a dinner party and X and Y were there. When I got home I found the hat stuffed in the bottom of my handbag - a handbag which had been emptied several times in the last month. I had left my handbag unattended in the kitchen and during the meal Y had disappeared for some time.

My husband is worried that Y has an unhealthy obsession with me. I think that's going a bit far but I don't know whether just to leave things unsaid or to confront the situation.

Any thoughts/views?

Sounds obsessed to me, she seems to want to be you, wear the same clothes, take your things, take your friends, what else can you think really?

As to how to handle it? I'm worried just how she might react if you confront her, I doubt she will be willing to see the truth. If you try and do it gently my guess is she will simply keep coming up with excuses, 'it was only a joke'. Spell it out too clearly and she will either have an almighty fall out with you, and go looking for someone else to obsess over, or you will have an angry bunny boiler on your hands!

The question I would be asking myself is, 'is this friendship imortant enough for me to accept the nonsense that comes with it?'

If it were me I would be starting to gently extricate myself. Naturally you will still see her around, and there's no reason you can't keep things civil, but maybe if you put a little distance in the relationship she will find a new obsession.

Friendships are a two-way street. It is give and take, and respectful of boundaries, which include no interference with opinions on child rearing without being asked directly.

She sounds like she needs you, and her social identity and sense of self are dependent upon what she mimics in you. She is comfortable with who she is, because she has created herself in your likeness.

Any threat to that comfort level will result in jealous and punitive behaviour, as you have seen and witnessed yourself. She will not let go of you easily.

She has no friends, and new friends are quick to back away. She has not made any effort to find friendships such as joining clubs, or volunteering etc. she relies on you and your friends to provide 'friendship' for her.

That is her side of the story, and clearly she shows you, and continues to show you what she expects from her friendship with you, and what role she expects you to play.

And on your side of the fense, you have to watch what you say, who you speak to, what arrangements you make with other friends as to not upset her. You have chosen to remain silent when she insults you, makes up stories, undermines you, and steals from you. You have allowed your own independence and your own identity to be defined by her, which is right where she wants you to be.

Friendship is about balance. There is no balance here, because she is not able to accept any outside influence over you (as she sees it), and works hard to maintain this bond between you. You are a prisoner to her, and you are being smothered.

If she were a man and this controlling, rude, abusive, demanding and selfish, most people would tell you its time to leave.

You don't need to explain yourself to her, or confront her, you need to develop a backbone and stick up for yourself.

When she calls, tell her you are busy. If she calls again and asks what you're up to, tell her that you have plans. Keep it short and simple, and don't offer an explanation to which she can satisfy her curiosity.

Start seeing your old friends without her. Again, keep your business to yourself, you do not need her approval.

While her control over you has taken some time to establish, you need to regain yourself and your dignity, and muster up enough courage to stop the bullying by living your life, without her.

She may be mad as he**, but that is not your problem. Be prepared for her to be persistent and annoying and determined to get you back in shape, but don't give in.

You need to stand strong, realize that this is an unbalanced, toxic relationship, and get out.

This is absolutely about creating boundaries - boundaries which you need to put in place to create space between yourself and her.

I'm no expert in this stuff, but some of her behavior sounds narcissistic and some of it sounds obsessional - to try and find 'logical' reasons for her behavior doesn't work, which is why your husband's comments don't help.

You'll need to be cautious about how you create distance between you - someone like her can turn nasty very quickly, as you already know. The small village situation makes the situation even more delicate, as she's sure to besmirch your name to all and sundry if you 'offend' her in any way.

I wouldn't do any confronting. It will get you nowhere, and you'll look like the bad guy. Instead, involve yourself in other activities - perhaps outside the village for a while? Start slowly limiting the walking/shopping with this woman and completely ignore any future remarks she might make about your children. Act as if she's never spoken and change the subject.

The worst thing you can do is react or give her your attention - it just 'feeds' whatever obsession/neuroses she has. It's inevitable, I imagine, that you'll continue to see her - but perhaps you could introduce her to other people that she might take a liking to?

Thank you very much everyone for your really useful views. It helps just to know that I'm not just being over-sensitive.

The Easter holiday will give me a good reason to break from her for a while and I will make an effort afterwards to gradually distance myself further (in general we try not to socialise as a couple with them anyway). As Gemini says it is tricky living in the same village but maybe deliberately introducing her in the hope she attaches on to someone else is a step too far, lol.

Have a good holiday.