I am married for 10 years but still in love with my ex boyfriend which I went out for 8 years, we broke up because of family disputes. I got in contact with him 5 years ago & we see and talk to each other everyday, he has a daughter and another on the way, I have 2 children, he says he wants to marry me. I do not love my husband, I married him because of family pressure.

I can see by your screen name that there are other issues in the mix here. And don't take me wrong because if you want advice then you have to be open and explain just what is going on behind the scenes, which I think is more then just family pressure and disputes.

Two families are at stake here and children as well. He has another on the way. I don't know what advice we can offer you at this point, if that is what you want, you don't say, but do the two of you really want to ruin the lives of all of these people ?

Tick

I can see by your screen name that there are other issues in the mix here. And dont take me wrong because if you want advice then you have to be open and explain just what is going on behind the scenes, which I think is more then just family pressure and disputes.

Two families are at stake here and children as well. He has another on the way. I dont know what advice we can offer you at this point, if that is what you want, you dont say, but do the two of you really want to ruin the lives of all of these people ?

tick

I don't really get you, please explain more. :(

Then you don't understand my second paragraph ?

Tick

Then you dont understand my second paragraph ?

tick

Yes, I do want advice. My parents did'nt like my ex because he was possesive. He says he does not love he's wife, and he's prepared to
Divorce. My husband and I almost went through a divorce went right through to court and stop the proceedings 3 years ago, we said we'll do this because of the kids, but its not working out. We do not share the same interest, my daughter is a slow learner, my husband doesn't help out with homework. He goes out most of the days to pubs with he's friends. I am left at home with kids and he doesn't allow me to go anywhere alone, it has to be only with him.

All I can say is don't rely on your ex to keep his word about divorcing his wife and marrying you, it is a huge gamble.

What if I wait for him to divorce, because I told him if that's what he wants he must divorce first.

Well, I guess that would be safer than you divorcing your husband first, but still, anything could happen. You could change your mind once things actually start to fall into place, he could start to think that you won't divorce your husband and find another woman, he could move far away.. . Who knows? Planned relationships, it seems, often don't work-out.

Here's my personal take: you never had loved your husband and never wanted to marry him in the first place, and after ten years and two children, it's a little late to start thinking about this now. There comes a time when you have to stand by your decision even if you know you made the wrong choice, this is especially true when other people are affected. For instance, keeping a job you hate only because it pays the bills and provides for your family.

You have a family that relies on you. You need to stop talking to him. Your head is in the clouds and you need to focus on what's in front of you.

Hi,
Here is my thought.
You have the clear reason that you could not love your husband.
You are cheating with a married man who is expecting a child.
You should be blamed for your marriage problem, not your husband.

Let me list the facts here:
1. Your ex is married man. If he is married, he should be off limit even though he was your ex. That is what the marriage about. But you could not hand off from him, and he could not hand off from you vice versa.
2. So, You are cheating wife.
3. He is cheating husband.
4. you both slept with your spouses while you guys having affairs for years (and even he was busy to make his wife pregnant... hmmm)
5. Divorce process:
It is not that simple as you think, it creates REAL TRAUMA in both families. Just imagine his angry wife, your angry husband, crying, yelling, curse, hurting, moarning, tears, his poor children, your poor children, his poor baby…. Are you fully aware of what you are hoping for here? You will both face huge fighting, endless legal process for months long (or even year long), shame on friends and families in your side, his side, emotional regrets, revenge, resentment, guilty feeling, and economic loss…
During divorce, you guys will create huge scars in your relationship, may start grow a part or hate each other due to the mountain high stress and tremendouse regrets.
His wife and your husband will not walk away nicely for you guys. I do not see any possibility you can get away with EASY & SMOOTH divorce as you hope.
He may drop his divorce case due to the baby…
Once divorce is done, you guys need to heal from trauma, and has to suffer. It will be ugly and painful. There is no way you can focus on each other, and build your marriage right away.
A lot of obstacles to maintain your “sinful, non -ethical and illegal affair”….
I am very pessimistic.

6. If he can cheat his wife, walk away from his child and unborn baby, he can do it again to anyone (INCLUDING YOU) if he stops loving the one. We all know our feelings can be changed easily without warning sign or planning.

7. You have had the affair with him for almost 5 years. The fresh feeling, excitement, thrills, and lust has settled down already.
Do you think he will love you more if you become his legal wife? I really do not think so, since the "thrills" will not be there anymore. Sex will not be exciting anymore.

8. His marriage did not tie him to his family. So, he will not be tied with you even though you marry him.

9. In fact, men do all sweet talks in bed to their mistress to keep them sweet. That is what they can offer, while they are legally unavailable. I doubt he has strong intention to go through the divorce for you as you hope.
He may want divorce since he is having affair, and emotionally physically grow apart from his wife. But will he marry you after divorce? I am skeptical.

Once men are married, they show their real color, stop sweet talking, since they are married to the ones already. Men start to feel the weight on shoulder not in romantic way. So, what will be the next? Another affair and divorce for someone else again or periodically?

So,
You may disagree with me, but I assume you start to see the limitation or lack of passion in your affair with him, and want more security to make you happy. I personally doubt you will see the good results as you hope.

Was your marriage really miserable before you started to cheat? Please let me know.

If you were not such a selfish person, in my opinion, you would get your priorities straight.

That being, your children.

While you are screwing around and not addressing the issues of your own life with your husband, you are creating a living emotional mess that will have fallout for years with your children.

It would be one thing for you to do the things you do if you were single, or even if you were married, but every single emotionally bankrupt thing you do, will affect the children you brought into this world.

They are not there for your amusement, or there to provide an excuse to see your ex.

What kind of person are you. I would hope that for your children's sake, and this is a stretch, you would stop playing two men against the other, stop the affair, get yourself into counselling and figure out what you need to do to be a good person, and a good mother.

It may mean putting your needs aside, growing up, and doing the right thing by your chidlren.

Was your marriage really miserable before you started to cheat? Please let me know.

What a great explanation of the situation. Draws the picture for the person of what is to come..

And what a finishing line!

I do not understand women like you! You want the best of both worlds. It doesn't work that way. You have children. How in the world can you even think about a divorce? Besides being immoral and unhanded you complain about not getting help from your husband.


I know why, he knows you don't love him and you are trying to be the victim? Listen.. This is the real world. Nobody said it was going to be easy. This "wonderful guy", who is going to divorce his PREGNANT wife and sweep you away on a white horse and you live happily ever after in a faultless faraway land! It's not going to happen!



This is not a soap opera, there are no princes , no knights in shining armour. I thank God for my husband and my children and you should thank him for giving you a man who has endured your whining all these years. Your children should be the first priority for both of you.


You just go ahead and waste your life and get a divorce and see if you don't end up old and alone. You don't know what you have until you lose it. Prince Charming isn't going to divorce his wife. Wait and see!

So...

You don't love your husband. I don't care about the reasons. It happens. You don't love him.

So...

Leave. Divorce.

Why in the world should any of this hinge on whether your married ex divorces or not?

Because its better to be miserable with someone to share the misery with than to do it alone?

And don't make it anybody else's fault. You married because you chose to. Your parents might have applied pressure. You still married. Your choice.

Don't make it the kids fault. Its fine to tie that concern into why you might try to keep the family together... I have a son, and he played strongly into my struggle as to whether to divorce or not... but at some point, that isn't relevant. This is that point.

So...

It just seems to me there are two separate issues here.

1) you need a divorce

And

2) you love a man who is married

Certainly the second reinforces the first... but really... you've already left the marriage. Its just paperwork and a ring off your finger now.

so...

you dont love your husband. i dont care about the reasons. it happens. you dont love him.

so...

leave. divorce.

why in the world should any of this hinge on whether your married ex divorces or not?

because its better to be miserable with someone to share the misery with than to do it alone?

and don't make it anybody else's fault. you married because you chose to. your parents might have applied pressure. you still married. your choice.

don't make it the kids fault. its fine to tie that concern into why you might try to keep the family together... i have a son, and he played strongly into my struggle as to whether to divorce or not... but at some point, that isn't relevent. this is that point.

so...

it just seems to me there are two separate issues here.

1) you need a divorce

and

2) you love a man who is married

certainly the second reinforces the first... but really... you've already left the marriage. its just paperwork and a ring off your finger now.

Nobody wins in this situation. Certainly not your husband nor your kids. I believe you made up you're mind before you were married.. "Well Mommy and Daddy want me to marry him so I will"... Instead of having the guts to tell your folks NO you married him and led him to believe you loved him.

Why in the world would you want to bring kids into a loveless marriage? You say your husband goes to the "PUB". I wonder why?
He really is too good for you. He has stayed all these years with you knowing there was something missing and then along comes the
Cheating "Romeo", who is lying through his teeth. He's getting what he wants from both of you. Give your husband some happiness.. leave and see where you are a year from now.

What if I wait for him to divorce, cos I told him if that's what he wants he must divorce first.

Do you realize you effectively called his bluff ? No, what he wants is to play house with you on the side. That way he can have his 'cake and eat it too'; that is, go home to his wife if you and he argue over trivialities, come back the next day and make up, etc. . What if though, you are divorced, he isn't, and you get pregnant with his child ? Wouldn't that put icing the cake !

Tick

If you had devoted as much time, and energy into making your home a happy place to be, as you did on a lying cheating man, I think your life would be better.

Five years you have selfishly wasted trying to be happy, and look where you sit now, probably more miserable than before, and even more afraid than ever, of facing your real problems, YOU, and the choices you have made.

Your solution starts with getting rid of the guy on the side who fills your heart with pleasure, lies, and false hope. That's not real love, its merely an excuse to not do the work you have in front of you, building a good home for your kids, and making yourself happy within the boundaries of good behavior, with, or without your husband.

Divorce him, and heal, you, and your children while you build a life your happy with, as you have to see how dumb it is to depend on another to make you happy. That's how this mess started in the first place.

Jumping from one guy to another without healing for you and your children is foolish, and depending on the word of a lying cheater (referring to him, even though you both share that description) is stupid.

So that means your road to true happiness means, stop being a liar, and cheater, even though you both do deserve each other. Then at least you can recognize what your next step will be.