I’m 25 years old and very insecure. In addition, I have a low self-esteem due to a series of events that have happened in my life up to date. Generally, my insecurities are not detected in daily/normal circumstance (i.e.: work, school, family, and friends). I am very skilled at keeping a wall up, all while appearing perfectly content with myself and my life.

I consider myself average looking, a perfectionist, and very sensitive. I cry almost every day, and the reasons vary, but most of time its over disappointment in myself ( whether it be over my failing relationship, my being alone, my appearance, my success rate etc).
I rely much on others to make me feel better about myself, my appearance and my achievements. I’m in constant need of affection and attention in my relationships. So I guess overall I’m pretty critical and hard on myself. Unfortunately, this is an accumulation of years of suppressing my emotions, instead of dealing with them… and unfortunately, it’s catching up with me now, and having a direct impact on my day to day life and my current relationship.

Prior to this relationship, I have had two others (1 and 3 years), which had both failed on the basis of infidelity on the other person’s part. Let’s just say this has played a role in my overall self-perception/self-esteem. Betrayal hits hard and that being said, I also have serious trust issues… as in, I only trust myself.

As previously mentioned, aside from the obvious issues I need to work on for the betterment of myself and the success of my future, it has put a huge strain on my current relationship. We are going on 3 years; however I would say that only the first year ½ was fun, loving and smooth sailing. He says that I’m too emotional & dramatic, that I am too jealous & insecure, and that I am always mad or looking for a fight. He has recently also expressed that 75% of the time; he is not happy and stressed out due to the issues that I create almost every other day, and feels that it has had a direct impact on how deep his love runs for me now. Additionally, he’s stated his concerns over my priorities in life and how it seems that I’m too invested in this relationship alone, which scares him. Overall, his patients and understanding has run dry. I haven’t heard him say “I love you” in almost 6 months, nor does he hold me, touch me or look at me the same way he use too…

In conclusion, I know I have a problem, I know I am depressed and that I need to seek counselling but during this process, I want to try and salvage what’s left of my relationship. There are no words to express the love I feel for this man…and it eats away at me a little bit everyday to know that I may loose him over this…

Advice?

Focus on working on yourself before worrying about your boyfriend.

If you can't help yourself, how can you help someone else?

You've been able to identify the issues that you want to work on. Now it's time to take a proactive approach in tackling the problems.

If your boyfriend cared about you, he will be supportive as you continually try to improve yourself. If you see that he's being supportive, then don't be afraid to show your appreciation, by taking him out for a nice meal or something.

This approach will help you work on yourself and build a stronger relationship.

In addition to going to counselling, here's a list of self-help books that you can read on your own time: http://www.books4selfhelp.com/

One thing I would add is not to put too much pressure on yourself to make a drastic improvement overnight. It takes time, but as long as you continuously improve.

Advice?
Yes.

Each individual sees the world the way he chooses to see it based on his beliefs. If that wasn't true then all humans would agree on everything all the time. You believe you have a myriad of problems and hence, you can only see negative energy, and your boyfriend is reinforcing that with his comments.

Something is only regarded as a problem if you see it that way, or you can see it as a trait that defines you and embrace it, and when you accept yourself for who are and expect no more--what I like to call self-actualization--you will find peace and balance and will successfully sustain a relationship. You haven't found balance yet.

To solve your problem: he's not helping, in fact he's making it harder for you. You need to be single to sort yourself out. You need to start thinking of things as gains, not losses. And be patient with yourself.

Let go of him and work on yourself. You need yourself more than you need him.

Stop depending on him to make you happy, depend on yourself for your own happiness.

Do you really want to live life knowing that someone else has power over your moods and emotions? Only you should have the power to control your moods and emotions.

Walk away and help yourself. Easier said than done but it'd be worth it.

Either he is in it for what it is, or he is not. Sure you have your issues and seem to be dealing with them, and he has his own if he is human. The true question is can he handle YOU while you deal with YOURSELF.

You have to realize its been 3 years and most couples begin to see things in the long term, not the short, and it seems your both questioning each other for the long term, and have things to resolve now between you.

His reaction are his own feelings, and not for you to take as a personal rejection or put down. He merely expresses his frustrations at his own inability to deal with your emotions, which can be too intense, and bewildering to him. That's something to work together on through honest communications.

Since you wrote about yourself, and your issues, I hope you, and especially him, recognize his own shortcomings, so you make adjustments to survive, and thrive together, and avoid the unfair and selfish idea of one partner changing for the other while getting little or nothing in return. That's a disaster that breeds the kind of resentments that tear couples apart.

If he is trying to preserve his comfort zone at your expense then his protests of the way you deal with yourself is at best a way to shift blame and get what he wants and that makes working together impossible as he bears no responsibility in the communications process, nor in compromising to resolve issues. So be aware that its seldom all about you as the way he handles mutual problems has a big impact as well.

It takes years of work to be better within your own mind, as well as years to build a long term working relationship. There will be many obstacles and set backs along the way.

To overcome them, its about talking, and LISTENING, and staying objective and balanced, so you hear facts, and not just feelings, yours or his.

I have to say though that to be happy, sometimes the relationship has to be ended and another path has to be taken. But I can tell you that letting him know you are working on your issues is the way to go, and back it up by not giving in to negative energy, that lends itself to impulsive words, and actions.

In other words, always think before you speak or act, so you are not carried away by your own feelings. Be specific that your venting, so he knows to let you, and not comment, give his opinion, or suggest how to fix it. He can't read your mind so you must tell him what's brewing inside of your mind, and heart. Then he will know what to expect, and how to deal with it properly.

What works for him and the way he deals with himself or you, is a whole other question.