To make a long and painful story somewhat shorter. Was dating my girlfriend for 5 years; I am now 33 and she is 27. About a year ago she moved in with me in an apartment I was renting. At that point things started to go somewhat down hill. She became very moody and we had our first arguments ever in 4 years over very stupid things (going to bars with friends, etc.). Despite the conflict, we always worked out our differences and said that in the end there was no one else in the world that we would spend the rest of our lives with. She wanted to be married so badly and gave me a deadline of her 27th birthday for me to propose to her. I needed to get a few things in my life together (finishing grad school, etc.) so I didn't meet the deadline, but I bought the ring and planned on doing it soon thereafter. I did, however, have some doubts if I was doing the right thing.

A month ago, two months after her 27th birthday, we got in a huge fight based on the fact that she wanted to be married and was tired of waiting and us disagreeing about things; she moved back to her mom's house. She said that the reason we weren't getting along since she moved in was that she wanted to be married so badly and was resentful of our current situation. The move devistated both of us but the next day we agreed that we couldn't live without each other. We agreed that we would make it work despite the new living situation and that we loved each other. This went on for over a month, us seeing each other and things were going OK. I believed we were making progress and that we were planning on working back to the point we needed to be to be together forever. We discussed moving in together again and starting our life.

Two weeks ago, she told me "I love you, there is no one I would rather be with. I want to marry you". Then two days later, out of the blue, she told me, "It's not that I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but I need some time to live my life for myself because I was so dependent on you and I want us to be together but without any complications or fighting in our lives. I just want to go out with my friends and have a good time. I have no interest in dating other men though." The next day, she came over to spend the night, telling me "she loved me multiple times and asking me if I still loved her, but said she still needed to find herself on her own and we would see each other when we see each other and just enjoy life".

After reading info on this site, I got it in my head that she was breaking up with me in a nice way or trying to simply keep me on the back burner and decided that the only way I could win her back was to go NC to make her miss me and realize she needed me in her life and it was all or nothing. I stopped taking her calls for three days and throughout that time she sent me at least one or two emails/txts per day, asking how my day was or telling me to have a good day. Two days after this we were supposed to go to a wedding together. A day before the wedding she asked me if I still wanted to go with her and I replied that I would because I already RSVP'd with her. To which she responded, "Nevermind, I don't want to deal with the akwardness of us being together there... let's do something the day after the wedding instead". I responded that I couldn't meet her that day but that we would get together when we were both free next. She seemed upset and said "whenever you decide to make time for me then".

I again went NC for two days but broke down the day after and asked her to meet me for lunch. She responded, "So you want to see me now that you are free? When do you want to meet?" I told her that afternoon, to which she respoded, "Seeing you will only make things more difficult. I need some time. Maybe after we've had some time to work on ourselves we can get together.".

So, did the NC drive her from wanting to see me one day and then two days later not wanting to see me? How is this possible? Last week she loves me and wants to spend our life together and now she doesn't even want to see me?

What do I do now? I'm devistated - can't eat/sleep - it's all I can think about knowing that I will NEVER find someone in life as attractive and with so much in common (trust me I've dated many girls over the past 20 years and none has ever come even close - and my friends and family agree).

She's not the independent type; has always had a boyfriend. I am almost positive she hasn't moved on to someone else, but can't fight the suspicion... why would she not want to see me at all and why would this come on so suddenly unless there is someone else? I saw her sister randomally last night and she mentioned that she has drastically died her hair and is making appointments with plastic surgeons to get a nose job and breast implants - something which she was previously totally opposed to. What does that mean?

So, what's the right move? Total NC or has that already ruined things? Is there a chance or is it time to give up? I haven't contacted her, it's been the 3 worst days of my life, and she hasn't contacted me.

You didn't deliver what she was demanding,a proposal and her feelings have changed.

You weren't ready to commit to marriage,and I suspect there were underlying issues between you that were never discussed.

You stay with the no contact and get your life back on track.

Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for more advice on how to handle a breakup.

First of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart for breaking your post into paragraphs and making your situation easy to read! Also, thank you for your clear writing.

Okay, you seem to realize she's a needy, dependent person. She needs to have a boyfriend in her life and, now that she doesn't have one, she needs to dye her hair and get cosmetic surgery done. This will accomplish what for her?

Even though you say she is the love of your life, do you really want to be on her emotional rollercoaster for the rest of your life? If not, then what? Can you accompany her if she is willing to take her rollercoaster back to the factory for rehab, or can you maintain total NC and find a safer rollercoaster?

Unfortunately, I can somewhat relate to this girl.

She wants to get married. She wants to start a life with you.. Its been 5 wonderful years.. why hasn't things moved forward?

I firmly believe that you get married out of love and compassion... Not because the situation is finally good enough to get married.

Her reasons are her own on why she wants to get cosmetic surgery. No one will really understand why except for her.

If you love her and can see yourself with her for the rest of your life.. then what's holding you back? She obviously wanted to be with you. You didn't budge. She saw herself in a dead end relationship that wasn't moving forward, so she decided to back off it seems. Could she be seeing someone else? Maybe. Its hard to say. She could be completely heart broken because the man of her dreams doesn't want to marry her. She might not know what to do with herself because her relationship seemingly fell apart on her just as much as it did on you.

I think both of you need to take a break from the intense relationship that you both had going. Maybe go back to the basics?

Good luck

Unfortunately, at this point she wants nothing to do with me? I think, otherwise she would contact me, as she was the one that said she wanted time? Unless, it was the NC that I was advised to use that pushed her past the brink of wanting to speak with me?

I told her on more than one occasion over the past month that I wanted to work things out between us despite everything that has happened so we could get back to where we were and, yes, eventually get engaged/married as we planned. I thought that is what we were doing. Then, only days after saying she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, I got the line about she "needed time to enjoy herself" and "seeing me would only make things more difficult"?

I guess what I don't understand is the drastic and sudden flip-flop? After 5 years, how do you go from one day wanting (or at least saying you want) to spend the rest of your life with someone and the next not wanting to see them - when nothing happened in between? I guess the obvious answer is her feelings changed overnight, or she was lying about her intentions.

The drastic makeover and sudden need for cosmetic surgery, something she was previously adamentally opposed to, only says one thing to me - she wants attention from other men and wants to move on. Which hurts when she told me she had no interested in other men. Again, maybe not being honest?

Despite everything that has happened, I was/am willing to try and work things out. So what do you do when you believe you are letting the love of your life go but you really have no options? I'm not sure this whole NC thing was all that it is cracked up to be... maybe it's only value is saving face for yourself - rather than taking a chance on doing everything possible to win that person back?

You had your window and you missed it. Do I think it’s right for her give you a deadline? Not necessarily but 5 years is a long time and you, like myself blew it. Her feelings changed, and although likely not overnight, she left.

As far as NC ruining your chances, I doubt that. After my ex left, I begged and pleaded with here for a month (we were on a break but not broken up) I even told her I would marry her that day if she just came home. The point is it was too late and her feelings had changed, there is nothing you can do to bring her back. Do not contact her, if she wants you back she will let you know.

NC and try and move on and stay busy!

NC is for a person to heal after a breakup,its not a tool to get somebody back.

I don't think her feelings changed overnight,they probably changed over a period.

What's seems obvious to me is that she isn't willing to try to work things out.

So,your best option is to start moving on,and heal from the breakup.

So a quick update.

To provide some context, when the x and I moved in together, she wanted a dog. So we adopted one because she wanted one, not me, but I agreed. 6 months later she adopted another dog, so the first dog would have a friend. Again, not really what I wanted, but I again agreed. 6 months after that, she felt she needed to adopt a 3rd dog - which I vehemently opposed. She did it anyway. When we broke up -she took all 3 dogs with her to her sister's house.

So, after 4 days of NC, I get a txt last night from Lindsay, simply asking me if I would keep one of her/our former 3 dogs because she is moving out of her sister's house into a friend's condo that only allows 2 pets. If not she would have to find a stranger to keep one dog or ask her sister who is allergic and hates dogs to keep it. This infuriated me.

There is no way I am going to take one dog, simply because she now wants to live somewhere where she can only have two pets. Her argument will be, well it is your responsibility because we adopted them together.

So, what do I do? Maintain NC and not reply at all. Which will make me look weak and not address the situation?

Or, reply, like I want to - and tell her there is no chance I am going to take one dog now just because she wants to move into a condo with her friend? Or, will this just spark a response and start the whole NC process over again? Personally, I would like to reply and tell her there's no chance I am taking one dog and never to contact me again because I'm over her. I would like to throw in the words "selfish" and "immature". Or is that just immature on my part?

Thoughts?

So, what do I do? Maintain NC and not reply at all. Which will make me look weak and not address the situation?
I feel bad for the dog.

Maintain NC, and we will hope she is a nice enough person she will find a good home for the dog. If you respond to her, she will think you are weak (and she retains the power in the relationship).

Wouldn't NOT responding show weakness? Not "man" enough to address it? I don't think she is writing in an attempt to assert power/re-establish anything - I really think she is so selfish that she now doesn't want to have any responsibility for a 3rd animal, cares more about where she wants to live, and wants someone to bail her out.

Wouldn't NOT responding show weakness? Not "man" enough to adress it? I don't think she is writing in an attempt to assert power/re-establish anything - I really think she is so selfish that she now doesn't want to have any responsiblity for a 3rd animal, cares more about where she wants to live, and wants someone to bail her out.
So you will be the one to give your power to her and deal with her dog? You said you don't want it. Why would you respond? And once you respond, with even a "no," you've given her the satisfaction that she can get you to answer when she asks a question. (Goodbye, Power.) Wonder what her next question, her next ploy, will be?

OK I'm seeing this from a totally different perspective.
amicon said "NC is for a person to heal after a breakup,its not a tool to get somebody back." (have to spread some rep, but I agree)

That was your first mistake. You did NC because you wanted to get back at her. She was honest enough to tell you how she felt but you were not. You were mad and you started to pout, (I'm not going to speak to you, so there).
You gave her no reason for your not returning her calls or text so I would imagine she said OK.

I don't think your doing nc with her means anything to her at this point. If you don't want to keep the dog, tell her so. No need to play anymore games. I think whatever you two had may be gone. She had been with you since her early twenties, 5 years is a long time for adults to date. She may now be ready to just move on. You should accept it and move on yourself.

Dear billboland,
Do you really love her?
Do you want to be with her for the rest of life?
Before talk about anything further, answer these 2 questions.
These are yes or no question.

Do I love her, yes. Do I want to be with her for the rest of my life? I don't know, now. I did. I would right now, but maybe because I just miss her so much. But, there were/are things I also hated about her. I think that's life though, there will always be things you don't like about someone. My biggest problem is that in 20+ years of dating a lot of women, I have never met anyone that I loved as much as her. And, I don't think I will ever find anyone as beautiful and a match for me. If the next 20 years, is anything like the previous, I imagine having to settle or ending up spending the rest of my life alone.

So, I'm confused? NC or respond?

Billroland, the big mistake you did was to initiate No Contact hoping she would miss you and come running back to your arms. That's what I thought, but I realized initiating No Contact is for your own healing progress, Not trying to get her back in your life, but to accept the fact that your relationship is at the end of the road. 2 of you grew in age but didn't grow together in love. 5 yrs is a very long time to be with one person. And you still don't want to marry.


I needed to get a few things in my life together (finishing grad school, etc.) so I didn't meet the deadline, but I bought the ring and planned on doing it soon thereafter. I did, however, have some doubts if I was doing the right thing. at that moment when you 2 were together, even you giving the ring you had doubts in your mind and heart. How could that be? Ask yourself that, why aren't you so sure that you wanted to marry her?
Myagony1234 ask you if you want to spend the rest of your life with her? This is your answer to the question.

Do I want to be with her for the rest of my life? I don't know, now. I did. I would right now, but maybe because I just miss her so much. your right, go with your first gut feeling, you don't know, right now every thought you have is through emotions, so your not thinking clearly and there is no logic to your thoughts at this moment cause you are badly hurt and in pain. But what happens when you do get back to her, what now? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with her. Remember when she comes back she will be the same person as you dated 5 yrs ago. Nothing is going to change. If you can live with that and force yourself to marry cause you miss her, then go for it, but if you cant, do NC and work with yourself.

Sorry guy, but not only do you not respond to her ever again, but disappear from her life. If 5 years of dating have not shown you that she will never work with you, then the living together should have been the final straw.

For whatever reason you have for not running for the hills, it does not matter, as she is on a course that will challenge not only you, but her family also.

Trust me, if you keep NC, and heal properly, you will see many options better than her for a happy life.

I think that's what you really want, but are afraid to keep looking.

Whatever it is, disappear from this fruit loops life, and get a solid female who actually appreciates you.

Listen to what you said:

"she wanted to be married so badly and was resentful of our current situation."

"I want to marry you". Then two days later, out of the blue, she told me, It's that I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore"

"she has drastically died her hair and is making appointments with plastic surgeons to get a nose job and breast implants"

"she responded, "Nevermind, I don't want to deal with the akwardness of us being together there"Nevermind, I don't want to deal with the akwardness of us being together there"decided that the only way I could win her back was to go NC"

Just go NC, screw winning her back. Look at this & her. Ewwww...

She hasn't found it yet. Nor, you.

I'm 10 years your junior, but I think the whole "growing in age not love" totally applies. The girl who just left me wanted to get married, have kids, up until a week before she left. I opposed marriage because we were so young, an neither of us was established education or career wise. I said no, she left. The way I try to look at it is if it was meant to be, ad they wanted it badly enough, they would stick around. I mean it's not like we Didn't want to marry them, the time just wasn't right. These people on this board know their stuff backwards and forwards though. I have read tons of old posts/threads from this site and NC is the only way to go. Every time you break it, you feel worse and reset the situation back to square one. Ilet this girl do her thing and u stay no contact. Trust these guys, they know their stuff

Ignore her. She lost your respect when she left.

She took the dogs. Now they are her responsibility.

Do NOT contact her EVER! Move on and enjoy a great life with someone else that is willing to "grow in love" with YOU.

So, an update. I talked to one of my friends, who works with this guy, John, who is social friends with the x and has always wanted to date her. While we were dating John and Lindsay (the x) would sometimes hang out in the same group of friends at bars and leave Facebook posts for each other. I called her on it a couple times when I got jealous, but she swore she was not interested in him at all, and I believed her. Apparently, minutes after leaving my condo in the morning from spending the night that one day last week, when she told me "she loved me" and we were intimate (for context: this however was after she told me she needed time on her own), she texting John, saying "I miss hanging out with you" and making plans to do something with him/his friends in the next couple days. This says to me, she had already called it quits at that point. Maybe not? But why then was that the first thing she did when she left was to text John? What infuriates me, is if she knew she wanted to hang out with other guys, etc. at that point, then why even bother to come over and tell me "she loves me"?

A further update, so, this morning, after her text two days ago asking me to take one of the dogs so she could move into her new condo and me not responding; she calls me. I didn't answer. She didn't leave a message. A few minutes later, she texts me saying "You can't even respond? You are so immature". I have a feeling she was just calling because she wants to selfishly guilt me into taking one of the dogs.

You are correct about the guilt trip to take the dogs, and with your update, its apparent she had other plans to pursue elsewhere. That my friend makes her a liar, and a cheat, and the only response to her is " keep your freakin' dogs, and leave me alone".
She has been playing your emotions to get what she wants, long enough, and even though for a while you will only see the good things you shared, eventually you will heal, and see the selfish lying, cheating, manipulator that she is.

She only cares when she get what she wants. That's truly sad, to have feelings for a person of that character, but at least now you know who you gave your heart to, and must take it back. Tell her to go to hell, and disappear from her life. You have enough facts for that decision, but you must convince your own heart, it's the right thing to do. That may take time, but its well worth it to be able to put this behind you, and deny her any further BS, into your own happiness.

I'm not defending her, because right now all I feel is hate for her actions, but technically she did not lie and/or cheat - despite her telling me "she loved me", she did say that "she wanted time to herself to figure things out and didn't want to be in a serious relationship" and as far as I know -she was txting John to hang out after she made such statement but was not with him while we were together. As much as it hurts that she did it first thing right after leaving my house, being with me and telling me she loved me. I guess she thought I would never find out and will probably never know that I know. I know SHE would feel justified in doing it because of her statement about "needing time".

Considering everything though, you are right - she is a selfish, immature and manipulative person. Why do some women think that just because they are very attractive and tons of men want to be with them (she's a part time bikini model) they can get away with being the biggest B*t*h in the world? How I didn't see that in the first 4 years and 11 months - I don't know? I knew she had some flaws, like everyone does, but I seriously thought this was the person I was going to marry. I mean I am/was no saint either, but when it came down to it, I was the one willing to put everything behind us and move on together. It sucks, but I can only hope that she ends up with someone else that makes her as miserable as she made me and realizes what she lost.

I think this is your anger speaking.
You were with this woman for five years. If things were that bad you could have left her.
All of the things you are saying she did, or c how ontrolling she was, you allowed it, you put up with it. Don't make her a pariah when you let her be.
She was honest in that she told you she wanted out and now you're mad and hurt.
Maybe you stayed with her because you thought she was "so attractive" (that is a bit shallow too)
It's time to stop dwelling on her, stop dogging her and just move on.

Sorry you're in this situation man.

You've said in one of your posts that she was very attractive and you don't think you'll be able to find another one like that again. Well not with that attitude you won't!

Ive met some very attractive girls who get a tonne of guys chasing them who are very down to earth and aren't es at all. Then of course there are the girls who are very attractive and are complete es, those are the ones you avoid.

PS, just because somebody is extremely attractive in looks doesn't mean they're a great person to date. Once you get tired of their looks, their bulls*** starts catching up with you and then maybe you'll realise they're not as attractive as you once thought.

Take care

She knows how to twist the knife - I just got another txt this time saying, "I took care of the dog, so don't bother to reply. You're an a**hole deadbeat. Good thing they weren't kids". Did I do the right thing by not replying? It doesn't feel like it - at least I should have stood up for myself and said, NO!

Well, that says it all, huh? She's lame.

Stand up for yourself by staying NC, and ignoring her.

Don't care what she says or does from now on.

You stand up for yourself by not dignifying her stupid,abusive insults by a reply.

Never accept offensive behaviour,and don't by into an infantile manipulator's attempts at trying to control you.

As you said, she is only trying to twist the knife, but she is really mad because YOU DID stand up for yourself by not replying to her stupidity. She will be mad for a long time behind that because your actions were more effective than any words, and she got the message loud, and clear, screw her BS, and its not worth arguing about, and you don't have to defend yourself to her any longer. A very powerful message I would say.

I would not reply to that insult, however I think you would have proven yourself a man by standing up to her and saying you would not take the dog instead of hiding behind nc. That is what got you in this mess to begin with. Not saying what you really think put using passive aggression. I think that is what ticked her off.
But leave it alone now.

Homegirl50 - I think I agree with you. Instead of following the NC advice, I likely should have replied that I was not going to take a dog. At least it would have shown that I had some cojones.

While I consented to adopt the first dog with her, I was opposed to the second and definitely the third. The fact remains that the ONLY reason she now wants me to take care of the dog is because she wants to move in somewhere where she can only have 2 dogs and wants to pass off the responsibility for the 3rd to someone else. Am I completely without fault for agreeing to let her adopt the dogs? No. I think I even signed the paperwork for one. But what was the right move in this situation? Take the dog and give in? Say no? Or implied say no, by maintaining NC?

Regardless of if I responded or not, I know her and know that the situation would have turned out exactly like it did anyway. Me telling her no, would have resulted in the same calling me an "a**hole" and "deadbeat" because she is not getting what she wanted. So I guess it doesn't matter.

I would like to think that this is over and I will never hear from her again. Which now there is a very good chance because of how stubborn she is. But I have a feeling there is more to come.

That's in the past now.
She's shown her true colors for whatever reason.

There may be more to come. But not from you.

Ignore her now.

I think you should have stood up to her and said "no I do not want the dog. You may have gotten the same results had you told her no, but you would have at least stood up and said no.
You could have said no to her when you didn't want the dogs from the beginning but you didn't. She did what she wanted to do because you did not speak up and because you didn't speak up then, she probably saw no reason to think you would not take one of the dogs. But again, you backed down and didn't say anything.
Be that as it may, there is no need for you to deal with her again.

Move on, but take it as a lesson learned. Say what you think. Passive aggression is weak.

Do I love her, yes. Do I want to be with her for the rest of my life? I don't know, now. I did. I would right now, but maybe because I just miss her so much. But, there were/are things I also hated about her. I think that's life though, there will always be things you don't like about someone. My biggest problem is that in 20+ years of dating a lot of women, I have never met anyone that I loved as much as her. And, I don't think I will ever find anyone as beautiful and a match for me. If the next 20 years, is anything like the previous, I imagine having to settle or ending up spending the rest of my life alone.

So, I'm confused? NC or respond?

Thanks for answering.
You answer clearly shows that you do not love her enough to marry even after 5 years of relationship. That was your problem.

Either sticking with NC or not is not that significant compare to your mind setup. You already made up your mind after 5 years, and you chose not to marry her, and initiated NC to push her away.

One thing I know is You should me madly in love with someone if you want to be with THE ONE only for the rest of your life with FULL commitment.

You followed your gut feeling, and she is gone. You just did not expect this much pain when you made your decision. Breaking up is really painful especially for the years long relationship. Your pain is normal. I suggest you just focus on yourself now, not to impulsively flip your decision to create more confusion between you and your ex. Spend some time alone, figure out what you REALLY want. That is the best advice I can give you for now. I hope it helps.

So, one day after the text calling me a "deadbeat" and "a**hole", she sends me an email this morning, it said "I miss you this morning and I wish things would have not turned out this way."

6 days into NC and struggling to fight the urge to write back, "me too".

Just a ploy to toy with my emotions because she's hurting from NC or after 6 days she really realizes she's made a mistake? I don't want to read into it anymore than I should.

Whatever her reasons are,stick with NC.

You're doing NC for you,remember?

No, it is what she says. She wishes things would not have turned out this way.

You are still in the mind set of NC to get back at her, not to get over her.

To be honest, I'm in the mind set of NC for both. She decided she wanted to end things - not me. So, despite any feelings I may have to say, "I miss you too", I'm not going to respond out of spite for what she's putting me through AND based on the fact that I KNOW even if I were to run back to her and try and work things out - SHE was still the one that left/didn't want only me - and that likely hasn't changed. So I'm doing it to protect myself from getting hurt again and in attempt to slowly move on with my life.

Quite frankly, I'm surprised that she would even email me that after the prior day's contact. But, I guess I need to accept it for what it is: her saying "she misses me and wishes that things wouldn't have ended on such a bad note" (as she is likely feeling guilty now and sadness from the break up), BUT NOT, that she wants me back.

Good thinking!
Just continue NC and get yourself together

May be true, but don't fall for it.
You've moved on.

Relationships and breaking up are both rollercoaster rides. One day you can't stand the person, then something reminds you of them and you miss them. It works for both parties of the relationship.

After reading the entire thread though, she sounds immature, and manipulative. If she really was worried about the dog, she should have called left a message asking you politely if you knew anyone who could take care of it. Instead she insulted you when you didn't respond. I think you were justified in not responding - it sets you back, and she would have made you feel bad either way.

There will always be days when she randomly misses you and thinks she made the wrong move, and there will be days when you feel that way as well. You need to decide for yourself if it is woth the hassle of trying to make it work. If you tried, would it just break apart later in the future? Your best bet is to just continue no contact, but don't do it to get her back, do it because your life is yours, and you want to heal and move on. NC isn't about who is weaker or stronger, its just about you and feeling better.

Doesn't sound like its going to work out with her, so in my opinion keep doing what your doing. I know it seems weird that it took 5 years for you to figure this out, but sometimes when we think we love someone we put their negative traits in the background, and then down the road we realize how irritating this person really is.

You know guy, you would save yourself a lot of torture if you realized this isn't about her, the relationship, or NC. Its about you coping with your own feelings. The sooner you realize its yourself your fighting here, the sooner you can have a positive plan to help you cope with NC!

I get it. The concept of NC is used to heal and move on with your life. It's the only healthy way to move on - because maintaining contact or hanging on will only start the cycle over and cause more pain in the end.

The truth is, like many others going through this same thing, despite all the bad that we've been through over the past 5 years - I'm not over her. And there's still a hope somewhere that she'll come running back saying "How could I be so stupid to leave you and take you for granted? let's work this out". When the reality is, even if that happened, most likely weeks or months down the road, we would be right back to where we were. The counter argument to this is, we were/are meant to be together, we were just too immature previously, and it took this long and us being apart to realize it. While this is not likely, no one can deny that it could be true? There has to be a reason someone stays together for over 5 years. I guess what I'm asking is why does it seem that the standard advice of most people here is to call it quits, go NC, and move on with your life? Is it that in your collective experience, when something like this happens (i.e. one person wants time apart) - things almost never work out in the end?

So, as with most people struggling to get through the initial phase of NC, I made it 7 days and then caved. Was depressed this morning and sent an email in response to hers a few days ago, where I said, "I wish things didn't end like this either". A simple statement (not gushing please take me back) and a truth; I wish things didn't end up bad and us not talking. To which she responded, "That upsets me. I would like to have lunch with you next week if you are free".

I'm guessing: don't go to lunch (because she does miss me and wants to see me but doesn't want us anymore), go back to NC, and move on with my life?

Yup.

Well really its up to you. Most people on here from our experiences are going to tell you its not a good idea, but you will do what you think is right for you. I went out to dinner with my ex a few months after we split up, and it was fun and flirty like before, but it only gave me a sense of false hope because the next night I saw him out flirting with some other girl right in front of me and I was devastated. It set me back a lot.

Collective experience is that maybe 2% of people get back with their exes and it works out instead of exploding in their faces. You two split up for a reason, and until that reason is truly resolved, it will always be in the background. This breakup may seem like it came out of no where, but generally the person who did the breaking up has usually been thinking about it for quit some time before comign up with the balls to do anythign about it.

There are many people that have been married for many years and the marriage dies. You dated this young lady for 5 years. She was what 22 years old then?
I would imagine after a while she may have just grown tired of waiting for marriage or grew away from you, it happens.
Leave her alone and move on.

Sh*t, I think my email opened the door for her. I decided not to respond to the request for lunch and maintain NC. A few minutes ago, I get another email "Real Nice. I heard you were making out with some other girl at LPP last night". FYI, LPP is Lincoln Park Pub a local bar here, but I wasn't even there last night and didn't make out with a girl? What do I do with this? If I don't respond, technically, I'm confirming something that didn't happen. If I do, I'm giving in to her control?

If you respond you buy into her attempt at manipulating you to break NC.

Don't reply-stick to no contact.

She knows how to push your buttons to get a reaction, all because you can't control yourself, and just leave her alone. Your easy, and she knows you well, and really your wrapped up in defending yourself. Don't, do that, you can't win playing her game.

I know how hard it is for you both to leave each other alone, my gosh 5 freakin' years of attachment is hard to break. Trying to be nice here guy, but unless you focus on breaking the attachment, you will always be pushed away, manipulated in reacting to her, pulled back in for more.

Break the cycle, or keep suffering, and that's as simple as it gets. Do NC, the right way, and get better results than doing it your way. I admit, its very hard, but the results are... mindboggling, compared to what your doing letting her play your ego.

First of all you need to quit playing games.
You broke nc and contacted her, now you want to go on nc again and not answer her reply. Pee or get off the pot! You are digging yourself in deeper. Leave the girl alone or take whatever comes.

Just don't contact her. Might as well just let her think you were making out with someone else, who cares? No sense defending yourself, what is it going to get you? You really need to just STICK with no contact in its entirety stop changing your mind - it will only get you into situations like this one.

It has been a very tough couple of days. The sadness is almost unbearable at times. Since the email on Friday morning and not responding, I did not hear from her Friday night and all day Saturday. Today, Easter Sunday, was particularly difficult, as all I could think about was how much I missed her and wished I was spending Easter with her. My parents and family live overseas, so I have spent the last five Easters with her and her family.

This morning she called and did not leave a message. Then a few hours later she sent a text message, saying "Happy Easter, I never thought this is how Easter this year would be." I didn't respond, and two hours later, she send another text message "Good to hear from you. Why do I even try?"

Obviously sarcastics, but Try what? Is she saying she has been trying to make things work with me? I don't think so, right? More likely she is just acting out from me not responding? I want so badly to write back, but am trying my best not to. But I feel like I am doing it more because of spite and not because I want to move on. I don't. It's obvious I am not over her. All I want is her back, but I know that things will never be the same.

Here's what I don't understand, she said she wanted time but now she's the one contacting me and getting mad when I don't respond? If she wanted time, why continue to tortue me by contacting me?

Another call and this time a voicemail, it appears the NC had an effect, "F*** you. Thanks for calling me back. I am done with you. You had your chance. I hope you are thinking about what you lost right now."

Is she insane? She told me "she needed time", she "didn't want to see me" and "she didn't want to be in a relationship with me". Then she hopes I am "thinking about what I lost?" I am guessing this is just anger coming out because I won't return her calls and she thinks I have moved on? What do I do with this?

Block her, delete her, whatever it takes.
Stay NC. Remove any further drama.

This is about you, not her.

Wow. This situation sounds difficult.

Only as difficult as we make it.

Yes it is insane. You are very emotional aren't you Bill? Yes she is still pushing your buttons, and at the right time too! She knows what this time of year means to you, and that you may be weak, or vulnerable. Don't think about what she is doing, or why, because it distracts you from what your feeling, and how to cope with it positively. By now you should have recognized a pattern, and made a plan to get through it. See where you want to be in a few days, and plan on the best way to get there. Its tough if you are isolated, and have no support system to help you through this. Being lonely is a terrible feeling, and motivates some bad thinking, and decisions, but nothing wrong with being alone. Which are you?

Sounds like she wanted her space to do her own thing - but she wants to jump into being friends right away which is NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL. For you to cope and get passed the horrible feelings u are experiencing u need to keep up the no contact - completely.

Since she sort of wants to be friends, or at least wants to appear that way (women are sneaky and have ulterior motives - believe me - I'm a woman) - she will keep contacting u - and keep getting mad that u took her for face value when she said she wanted space - you are giving her what she asked for - no turning back. You are going to keep getting angry voicemails and sarcastic texts until she learns to stop calling. She will do it to provoke u. If you dare to respond to her - you are going to be in for WAYYYYYYY MOOOORREEE angry messages from her -and you will set yourself back really far.

A. its normal for her to contact u still - Don't RESPOND
B. you are hurting right now - if u respond u WILL hurt more. No matter what she says to you, it will make it worse! The less u know about her and what she is doing the better.
C. To work on getting passed your emotional trauma - get out of the house - go to the gym, meet new people, stay active, learn something new, do things u have always wanted to do but couldn't because your ex wouldn't let u - whatever - just don't stay home - don't be alone - and don't let yourself think about this stuff for too long.
D. DO NOT READ INTO ANYTHING SHE SAYS TO YOU - good or bad - just leave her alone.

Wooow she sounds just like my ex, except she txted me. I know how you feel bro, my ex initiated the break up and she wanted to take things slow. Then when I ignored her and started to do the NC she starts txting me and say all this BS. Its all game play man, I think cause they can't except the fact that your not their running after them and crying for them, instead your ignoring them and trying to enjoy yourself and they don't like that, they want you to be on your knees and begging for them. Its really sick but you got to over see the emotional straggle that you are dealing with right now, and focus your mind for the future. Ask yourself what do you gain if you do talk and get back in the relationship? Just keep ignoring her bro and start the healing process. That's what I'm doing right now, I get some days where I miss her but not as bad as before and I am happy for that. Be strong and know what you want.

REMEMBER, RIGHT NOW YOUR EMOTION ARE YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY!!!

Yup, all of that is right on.

I was thinking as I was reading Tal's response was that Ive been spending the Easter holiday for the past few years with my good friends. (holiday orphans, all whose families are far way)

When I got home, my heart was filled with such happiness to have them & those times.

Then I thought that a year ago my ex was there with me. (I can't believe its been a year)

This time was way better.

So it seems like she wanted out in so many ways but yet she is angry you are not at the back burner. I can see why that bothers her. I can only hope you are happy that you have kept your balls and dignity. You are putting her at her place. This will either teach her a lesson and she will miss you or she will show her true colors and disappear. If she disappears, she didn't love you and would have disappeared either way, only this time she won't have you to lean on. Either way, it's a win win for you. So start enjoying life now. Cook or workout or watch movies or go out doing an activity. You will be happy sooner or later and then you will meet your next love. If you found her, you will find another or better so don't worry about that now. Your mind isn't ready for that so it won't allow you to think you can find better. You have low self esteem right now. Relax and breath because you will be fine. Life isn't about one female. I know it's nice having one but it will come again and you will be happy. People have wives for like 40 years. Just because 5 years didn't work, you still have a lot more to go. You will find someone more mature now. Good luck and hang in there!

Ignore her stupid games.
Don't let her manipulate you into a reaction.

Find things to do with your time and make plans for your future.

Its all about you now,your life your choices.

There it is. Point by point.

I guess I'm the odd woman out.
I don't understand how this woman is so awful she is acting a bit immature, but both of you are.

Both instances it has been you that has made a call or text and when she responds, you decide not to respond back.
You text her remember? Then you decided again to ignore her reply. She sees you being the one playing the games.
Leave her alone, get over it, but take responsibility for your part in this mess.

Thank you all for the advice.

Homegirl50, you seem to always come down on the opposite side here - and I can understand that. There are always two different sides to a story. However, in this case, SHE was the one that said "she wanted a break" and wanted time to "find herself". When all of this initially happened, I responded that I wanted to do everything I could to keep her and work things out. Her response was, "I don't feel that way". There were at least two times after this initial conversation when I asked to see her, she told me "That would only make things more difficult" and "I need some time". So, I gave her what she wanted; time to herself. I responded, to her one time out of weakness to email her simply her that I was also unhappy as well with the way things ended, but since then cut off contact.

I would have to agree with everyone here, but also because I know her and believe it to be true: she thought she could take this time to go out have fun/date other people and possibly keep me on the back burner waiting for her. I know for a fact that she texted this one guy, John, to go out with him the day after she was with me for the last time. Then she ONLY contacts me when she is feeling lonely or doesn't have any other plans and expects me to respond. When I don't she gets angry. As she did yesterday.

I don't doubt that she partially blames me for how things currently are and I don't doubt that she misses me and is having a rough time with the break up too. We were together for 5 years. But SHE was the one that said she wanted out of the relationship and I haven't heard ONE thing from her indicating that she made a mistake, wants me back or it was the wrong decision - ONLY that she "misses me" and "things are different". In her message last night, she told me to off and said "you had your chance and I hope you know what you lost", but that was only AFTER she thought I was over her from not contacting her anymore. My guess was, it was based on her now feeling rejection and anger from realizing I would not be there on the back burner for her to have only when it was convenient for her. NOT that she was actually trying to work things out - because she didn't? She contacted me when it was easy for her.

I believe that even if I had responded and run back to her, it would have been the same cycle: thank you for being here, I miss you too, but I still don't want to be in a relationship with you, and I still want time to do whatever I want. That, over everything else, is why I won't reply - not because I'm playing games. But because, nothing has changed, and me opening the door to contact her will ONLY result in the same vicious cycle and more pain on my part. I still love her and believe that I may never find someone as good as her for me, but as much as I want to respond, I can't because I can't deal with the rejection and pain I have gone through over the past weeks again - and I refuse to try and be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I don't think you ought to be with her and I remember your saying she wanted the break up, but I also remember that you went NC with her first to get back at her, then you in a moment of weakness contacted her again and when she text you back, you decided again not to reply.

My point is you are being as indecisive as she is. You are both playing games. All I'm saying is don't paint her the heavy, you have responsibility in this too.

Sounds like the game playing is about over because our friend Bill is finally seeing the light. Way to go, now cope with those feelings. Once you know where they come from, then you can make a plan to deal with them effectively.

Some great insights there,stick to them.

Good luck.

Bill,

What you have said is true & a great start.

Refer to that whenever you feel weak.

While you are going through the healing, do some digging on who you are.
Childhood, parents, relationships, actions, decisions, everything.

A great exercise & an invaluable understanding. May shed some light and open doors.

So after the angry voicemail and making it through 2 more days of NC, I was feeling good and thought this could possibly be the end of it. What else could she say after telling someone to "Go F*** themselves and you had your chance"?

Wrong.

So again without me initating contact, tonight I get an email from her telling me she is moving into her new place next weekend. Why?

Without thinking rationally and in the heat of passion, I responded telling her to stop emailing me and calling me. That I knew about John, the guy she was talking to while she was with me. And that I don't want to stay in touch with a person who would decided that someone else was more important than me.

I wrote this half wanting closure so that she would stop contacting me and half secretly hoping that she would feel some remorse and say that part of her did still want to be with me and she was sorry for all the bulls*** she put me through. Why else would she be constantly emailing me and calling me over the past days even if I was not responding unless she cared?

Her email response, simply, "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." If she moved past it, then when is she still contacting me?

At first it was like a dagger. Right now, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I still feel like another little piece of me has died. No remorse, no regret, no sympthay, nothing.

Should have maintained NC. I guess time to start all over again. This would have been so much easier if she would have just left me alone. This time NC for ever no matter what, can't handle any more of the mind games and cold heartedness.

She is just trying to make you feel like crap. You took the bait.

The more you listen, the more it will hurt. Stop engaging with her.

Try blocking her email address.

I just got a sudden wave of depression and sadness. For some reason now, I can't stop thinking about her being sexually with another guy? Making me physically ill. How to get over this?

Stop thinking about that.
Occupy your thoughts with nice things.

Reread what all of us said about not contacting her - about how she will continue to contact u - and how you should not read into any of it. She will NEVER respond to you in a way that will make you feel better, as you are starting to learn.

No contact means - no contact - period. If she writes, delete it with out reading it, or at least don't respond. Every time you respond it makes you seem weak to her, and she gets a little more power over you.

Its really really really hard not to respond to people when they write, especially when you keep hoping that things will change - but they aren't going to. Would you want to be with a lady who had the audacity to treat you this way?

Perhaps you need to write out a letter to her telling her all the terrible things to get it out of your system. DO NOT MAIL, FAX, EMAIL, OR IN ANYWAY GIVE HER THIS LETTER! Burn it or, post it on AMHD. This is only for you to get it out.

Maybe you also need to make alist of all of the things you didn't like about her, and all of the mean things she has done to you, and every time you feel crappy - read that list.

Yup. Good exercise especially when you are feeling crappy about breaking NC again.

I did all that. Have a packed file folder.

Wrote all that stuff. I compared good & bad points for myself & her. Was brutally honest too. You should have seen how the bad outweighed the good with her.

Then I took a look at mine & really started digging deep.
Everything.

I still dig. And dig it.

Was just thinking how even after a year, I catch myself putting my thoughts in context with my ex. Then move on.

Quite crazy.

Residual effects that only help me. 5 years is a bit to bounce back from.

Time & work, man.

I may be dealing with the most manipulative person ever written about on this board. This morning, after receiving the email yesterday about moving out, my response in weakness asking her to stop emailing/calling and hoping for an apology for a few things, and her reply "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." And me deciding right there never to contact her again based on the type of person she is.

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."


Leeave it at that. Its time for to regain your dignity and she is giving you that opportunity now. You have the power now. So don't slip up again.

Good luck buddy!

You are too busy trying to read hidden messages in everything she does. There are none and I don't see her has "the most manipulative person."

As my Newguy 2009 just said. "Leave it at that. Its time for to regain your dignity and she is giving you that opportunity now. You have the power now. So dont slip up again."

I may be dealing with the most manipulative person ever written about on this board. This morning, after receiving the email yesterday about moving out, my response in weakness asking her to stop emailing/calling and hoping for an apology for a few things, and her reply "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." And me deciding right there never to contact her again based on the type of person she is.

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

After that you stay NC... and damnit man give yourself time to heal!

Not sure what you mean by "regain my dignity" and "have the power now". I didn't think this was a game for power and regarding "dignity" not even sure how that comes into play. She has been the one calling/emailing me - I responded twice - not asking for her back but asking for her to leave me alone. "Dignity" would be if I WAS begging for her back, her constantly rejecting me saying she had no interest, and then her saying that she did want me back. Hence, I would have lost my dignity from pining over her and need to regain it. I was under the impression the NC process was for individual healing - not for trying to retain power or dignity.

Regardless, I agree, the best advice at this point is to probably walk away knowing she cares, but still maintain NC for good now no matter what. Maybe after some time very far down the road we can reconcile our differences, if that is what is best for both of us. Or, not.

On a related topic: Homegirl 50, interesting that you again say that you "don't see her as a manipulative person" and again disagree about how her actions could possibly be bad. So, I read some of your other posts on advice relating to a breaks up where the woman may have acted badly and is criticized for it. In EVERY case you side with and defend the female no matter what. For example, just in the last month, Thread: My girlfriend wants to break up / move on.. help? You argued, "why is she the bad person?" when she kept stringing the man along, AND in the thread: A girl with a boyfriend, likes me" you stated, "I'm not understanding why some are blaming her and making her out to be a no good person" when she was doing things behind her boyfriends back, and many many more. I also see that you are a single parent. I don't know your current situation, but based on this, I would guess that you likely have been burned by a man in the past and that is reflected in your advice. Do you have some sort of bias? I'm not attacking you in the slightest bit, I just honestly want to make sure I know what perspective your advice is coming from.

Well your guess is wrong. I have never been burned by a man have been married to one for 30+ years.

My advice in those other threads were as I gave to you. The young lady with the boyfriend, they are both young, I said that, she had does something silly, as teenage girls are want to do, but she told this young man that she was not leaving her boy friend. He wants to get this girl no matter what. He needs to leave her alone he chooses not to. He is trying to justify his hanging on to her, so why is she a horrible person?

In the other case, she broke up with this guy he should move on. She may not have handled things in the right way, but again he wants to paint her bad because he is hurting. Often times when relationships fail, both parties play some role in the failure. This is the point I am making with you and the others.

The young lady may be wrong in how she handled the situation, but don't paint her the heavy just because you are hurting, she is probably hurting too. She was with you for 5 years, deciding to wait no longer was probably hard for her as well. You are both hurting.
Take responsibility for your part. Don't get in the habit of blaming or dogging out the other person when something does not work. It is what it is. Take responsibility for your part and move on.

I wrote this half wanting closure so that she would stop contacting me and half secretly hoping that she would feel some remorse and say that part of her did still want to be with me and she was sorry for all the bulls*** she put me through. Why else would she be constantly emailing me and calling me over the past days even if I was not responding unless she cared?



Based on this I think you are initiating NC thinking you will get her back when you should be doing it to heal. She left you remember? It’s over. I understand the false hope, I’ve been there. You are fooling yourself. You say half of you wanted closure but the other half hoping she felt remorse. She had you on a string as you could not be straight forward with yourself one way or another

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

She apologized for what she said to you, she has told you what is going on in her head, whether you understand it or not, accept it and leave it alone!

Not sure what you mean by "regain my dignity" and "have the power now". I didn't think this was a game for power and regarding "dignity" not even sure how that comes into play. She has been the one calling/emailing me - I responded twice - not asking for her back but asking for her to leave me alone. "Dignity" would be if I WAS begging for her back, her constantly rejecting me saying she had no interest, and then her saying that she did want me back. Hence, I would have lost my dignity from pining over her and need to regain it. I was under the impression the NC process was for individual healing - not for trying to retain power or dignity.

Regardless, I agree, the best advice at this point is to probably walk away knowing she cares, but still maintain NC for good now no matter what. Maybe after some time very far down the road we can reconcile our differences, if that is what is best for both of us. Or, not.


You are absolutely right, NC is about our individual healing but in the process of that we regain our dignity and power. You may correct me if I'm wrong, but did your "dignity" not take a blow when all of this happened to you? Did you not lose all "power" in your relationship? You gain these things back through NC and self healing... I think that may have been what the other posters were referring too.

And yes, good for you for deciding finally No Contact. I speak from experience, don't break it. It will be especially hard the first couple days/weeks... than you hit a turning point and it gets easier everyday. Good luck man your situation is difficult I wish you all the best

It just keeps getting more difficult, every time I am convinced I can move on, she's back. Last night she called me twice at 2am. No messages. Then she sends me a message on Facebook this morning because I blocked her email address and I guess she has been getting any emails she has tried to send back. It said, "I would like to see you. This has been so difficult for me and I think about us all the time. I've wanted to ask you to see me so many times but I have been afraid to because I don't want to be rejected."

I know what you're going to say: stay NC, move on with your life. How can someone pull such a 180? Two weeks ago, telling me she didn't want a relationship, supposedly dating other guys, telling me to go F*** myself, not wanting anything to do with me. And now, saying she wants to see me? I know, she probably just misses me being there for her and likely still does not want a relationship - so to make it easier on myself in the long run, it is best not even to entertain the thought. But, what if, she made a mistake and it took time to realize it? I guess too late.

Stick with NC.

Stick with NC. She can't have it both ways.
I would venture to say that at this point she does not even know what she wants which is why she should leave you alone as well.
You both need to just be away from each other for a spell.

First she says she will not bother you anymore, but you can bother/call her. Well that was designed for you to give in and chase her some more. When you didn't, then she went back on her word and started contacting you.

This whole thing is about you moving on before she does. That's what all ex partners worry about. Being left behind. Leave her alone Bill, she just wants her power back, and obviously has nothing else to do.

This is not difficult at all, you just stick to your guns yourself, and don't let her take control back. You have nothing else to discuss, because she dumped you remember?

Her other plans obviously didn't work out so she has no where else to go but back to you. That's pretty disrespectful, if you thin about it!

Well in a moment of weakness and when I was a little bit intoxicated last night, I texted her and told her I would meet her for lunch on Monday. She agreed.

I know I shouldn't go, I know I should start NC and move on with my life, because likely nothing has changed (she still doesn't want a relationship, she still wants to keep me on the back burner) and this is only going to lead to more hurt and pain in the end.

But half of me wants to go, just to hear what she has to say and thinks there is no reason why we can't casually see each other until we work things out, which likely won't happen, or I guess until we decide there is someone new we want to be with exclusively.

On the other hand, the sane half of me thinks I should cancel before Monday comes and go back to NC. That should be real easy, considering I've already broken it three times in two weeks. I just can't think with my head and ignore my heart, it's impossible. Damm, why is love so difficult!

Bad move. Whoops.

Be prepared for more heartache.

You are either NC or not. No in-between.

If you decide not to go, at least let her know. Remember this is what partly got you in to this to begin with. You decide to go NC to get back at her. You texted her again and then decided to back to NC and didn't answer her text.
If you are going to see her, do it and stop doing the yo-yo thing. If things don't change be prepared to deal with it and move on.
Like I told you before you both are suffering and you both need to pee or get off the pot.

Against everything in my heart, I emailed Lindsay and canceled the lunch. Told her I just wasn't ready. She responded, "It's your choice. Don't blame me, I would be happy to see you and have you be a part of my life."

I guess the keyword here is "part". She wants to stay friends because she feels bad or keep me on the back burner and has no interest in anything else. Difficult to swallow after 5+ years. If I'm reading it right?

Now those words do match her actions...

Good for you for recognizing.

Hope there is nothing in your hand when you slap yourself for another dumb mistake. Alcohol is no excuse.

She may not want to keep you on the back burner, she does not want you two to be enemies.
At any rate, she is done, you should be too.
Now don't get drunk again!

Things have taken a weird turn. After not speaking to her all weekend. She sent me an email this morning. She said that she missed me and that over the past few weeks that we have been apart she can't stop thinking about me and found that she was not interested in anyone else. She said she didn't realize it until she was truly away from me. She said she never stopped loving me and wants to get together in the near future to talk about things, if I'm interested.

I am not sure where all this came from. I had pretty much moved father down the acceptance process, though not over her, and was starting to feel a little better making it through the weekend without any contact.

Not sure how it could be such a 180 degree turn? Although she did tell me she missed me and kept trying to contact me through all of this - it was her idea to take time to find herself; she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me; I know she went out with at least one other guy but not sure if they were intimate; and then she went from of insulting me to telling me she missed me and then back to telling me I had my chance and she's moved past it and now she doesn't want anyone else?

Don't know what to do? Could she be telling the truth? If she did make a mistake, then I can symptahize with her, maybe. But I don't know, maybe she just decided she just thought the grass would be greener being single and dating other men and now she doesn't like it? Maybe she broke up with me in the hopes of dating someone else and now he doesn't like her? Is it worth it to give her a shot or is this another game to keep me on the back burner and she'll change her mind back just to start this whole process again?

It's another little game,just adding to your confusion.

I'd block her email.

I say continue to leave her alone. Both of you probably need to be away from each other.

Who knows a couple of months from now you will see you are fine without each other or you may connect on another level.
But keep up the NC for now.

Doesn't sound like she knows WHAT she wants.

Except that you are there to be her yo-yo, when things don't go as planned for her.

Yeah, block her email so you don't have to question anything.

Bill,

I know exactly what you are going through.

It's the early & frustrating time during NC.

I was hurting bad when I first posted here & everyone urged me to go NC & leave her alone. I did that after a few days and never faltered.

Didn't even know what NC meant or the strength I had to muster to do so.

My ex tried a bunch of times, but it was always to relieve her own selfishness & guilt. To try to make me validate what she did was "ok" with me. To suck me back in to to that.

Nope. Wasn't going to happen.

After a while that becomes the icing on the cake. To start to be in control of the situation & the gratifying thing is that ex's don't expect that.

Im sure mine wanted me to be & plead still, then lay down & be her pal.

NC does 2 things, helps you heal & removes any further drama & BS, and inadvertently shows the ex that you are no longer their puppy.

To allow them to live with their decision.

And not give a crap whether they learn or not.

To move on to better things.

Totally agree with Vanheart - even though the system won't let me!

Stay with your own healing Bill, your next romance will be much better. So much better I can guarantee that you, like others before you, will be back to tell us how much better you feel.

If a lousy text can upset you now and confuse and befuddle your thinking, just imagine what going back to the same misery will be like.

No she hasn't changed, but she is getting desperate, and if you can hold out through this pressure she is applying, you will have turned a corner, and see she ain't what you think.

Unbelievable! So, I was running errands this morning and I ran into her at the teller in line. I've never seen her at this bank? Although there are very few in the part of downtown we live in and I know she banks there.

We said hello. She asked me how I was doing, I said fine. Asked about my sister and family and me hers. I tried to cut the conversation as short as possible and ended up ackwardly pretending to take a call on my cell phone and walk out after I was finished without waiting for her. But not before she said, "I miss you". And for some reason, "I responded, yeah I miss you too". What was I thinking?

So, after work today I get an email, "It was good to talk to you. If you are free sometime, I would like to see you.".

At this point I guess I've already broken all the NC progress from seeing her this morning and speaking with her. Damm! So, now what? Go back to NC? I can't shake the feeling that she is being geniune, but again all I can think about is how she was the one that didn't want to be with me and thought I wasn't good enough after 5+ years, has been putting me through on again off again emotional torture by refusing to stop contacting me and then when I responded shoving it in my face. I just can't imagine, no matter how much I want them to be, things could ever be the same as before. I feel like even if I saw her and we got along I would be setting myself up for the same hearache all over again. Maybe not?

I guess, the safest bet at this point is to go back to NC - but now it makes me look like I'm playing games since I've already spoken to her.

If you want to talk to her, go ahead, but be prepared if you don't get the results you want.
You probably are not going to move on until you do, so do it but take the rose colored glasses off.

Actually Bill, you did quite well, as the stickies say, when you bump into them in public, be polite but unavailable for any deep conversations, so the phone call thing was shear genius. Well done, as that's not a breach of NC!! Follow that up with continued NC! Your good to go. I love it.

The feelings may have been stirred up by seeing her, but let it pass, by not dwelling on any small mistakes.

"I responded, yeah I miss you too". What was I thinking?
Nothing but an automatic reply. Means nothing.

And thanks for making my day! :);):D

A round of applause-your fake phonecall made me laugh-well done!

Keep going,you're getting there.

Thank god for those fake cell phone calls!!

Ive pulled that one a few times. Hehehe.

Nice one. At least you got that one over with. Phew. Good NC milestone.

Damm, I was doing so good. Then this morning I woke up and all I could think about was her and how she said she missed me and wanted to see me. I kept thinking I can't imagine my life without this person in it. I thought, maybe I just needed to see her one more time to get some sort of closure and maybe I would be able to tell in person if she really was heartbroken and wanted me back or was just playing games. Then I could move on with my life if I had to.

So, I emailed her this morning simply saying, "I will meet you for lunch today". She responded immediately, "I'll meet you tonight if you take me to see Ben Folds Five" - a band that is playing here at the House of Blues. Which is sold out, but I do happen to have tickets.

So, again without thinking, I said, give me a reason why I should take you. And she responded, "I would like to see you". So I said, OK.

Now I know this may be a disaster and will end up having to start NC again all over. But why would she want to see me tonight, she could go with anyone to the concert? She doesn't need to use me to get tickets?

And, now that I've broken NC she already knows that I want to see her. So, I guess I am going to meet her and will play it cool - no talk about feelings, reasons for breaking up, the past, etc. Just try to have a good time and see if there is any connection left, if not, KNOW I have to move on.

Just like Showme_uremove, I have a feeling this girl knows she can pull strings and get whatever she wants. She'll run hot and say she loves me, misses me and wants to see me. And in a matter of days, she'll change her mind, and I'll be back here starting NC all over again. This would have been so much easier if I hadn't dated her for over five years.

"and I'll be back here starting NC all over again"

Yup.

You're thinking with your broken heart-not your head.

Closure?
No,that's what you get within yourself when you realize its over and start moving on.

This is false hope.

Why prolong this rollercoaster ride?

You are not ready for NC because you are not ready to let her go. You are still looking for reasons to hang on.
My bet is you'll go out with her, it won't be what you wanted it to be and you'll be starting NC once again, not to help yourself, but to get back at her, hoping she will feel bad enough to come back to you.
Is this what you really want?

Well, you were all right. But so was I.

I went and I know now without a doubt she is done with me. Not sure why she would want to go with me, not sure why she has been saying she missed me, etc. all this time, but I know from everything she said and how she acted - she's moved on. At first it felt like the biggest crushing blow I have ever felt. How could this person not love me anymore after 5 years? But it also gave me closure. I know now that no matter how many times she contacts me or what she says, it is done. I will maintain NC now no matter what - because before I had a false hope. But now, I realize any of that stuff she does - is only false or leftover emotions. And, it actually feels kind of good to be able to move on with my life - and excited at the anticipation that one day, hopefully, there will be someone better out there for me. Because, honestly, and Homegirl this is not coming out of anger, she is a giant b***** and our marriage would have been a disaster. If I had really wanted to marry her, I could have done it 2 years ago. But something said not to. I guess I was only holding on because I was so used to her and upset at the fact that someone didn't think I was good enough for them.

So, here's to day 1 of NC the right way.

Good for you man, congrats.

Painful yes, but now you have the closure to REALLY go NC.

Rock it. It going to be rough at times, but just remember who the most important person in your life is.

Do I need to tell you?

Man, I know that despair & feeling like someone doesn't want me. Those feelings are the worst, Ive shed lots of tears over that.

But in reality its done. Glad you came to that.

What's left is in our heads & how to cope in this healing process. It different for everyone. But what's the same is the process. To be better.

For me, I went NC right off, & its going on a year now.

Everyone gets there closure one way or another. Its just a matter of recognition, your will to change and how happy you want to be.

Nice one. How was the band?

Well, it's day one of NC for the second time and just lke starting all over again. All the feelings of constant sadness and despair, like your heart was ripped out, are back just like the day it went down the first time. The feeling that you are completely alone in this world and that you will never find someone else.

I feel like all I want to do is call her and ask her why? Why tell me you still loved me and missed me? Why say you wanted to see me? Why continue to contact me and string me along when you new it was over?

But I won't. Because I already know the answer. She just wanted to know that I was still not over her and she was playing games to do it. That I would drop what I was doing to cater to her. And that she was still in control. People can be selfish and brutal.

Let this be a lesson to all those of you whose x contacts them into NC after asking for a break. Don't buy into it. It only causes twice as much pain.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will not be this bad.

You've learned your lesson.

Tough as it is,you can move on now ,one day at the time.

Tomorrow will be a better day-if you allow it to be.

Ready for the kicker? After basically telling me last night at the concert that she wasn't romantically interested in me anymore and she still wanted to move on with her life (I didn't bring it up, she just started talking about it), I get a txt message from her tonight saying: "I had a good time last night. I hope to see you again soon."

No chance I will respond. But almost guarantees I'll be hearing from her in the near future as soon as she realizes I've moved on. Women!

Its not a woman thing,it's a manipulatorthing.

Ignore forever-time to either block her number or change yours.

Oh my god, I just got the following email unprovoked: "I am sorry I said those things about being over you last night. I'm not. I was just worried that it would make things more difficult. I hope it didn't upset you. I had a good time at the concert with you."

Instead of replying I am going use my time reading the dictionary definitions of "indecisive" and "manipulation".

Don't blame it on her. That would not be fair, nor accurate. I think the point of this whole experience is that you recognize the misery and pain you caused yourself, by having some very poor coping skills of your own feelings.

The thing is you will have gained experience, and knowledge of yourself that you can use in the future, and not let yourself be led through this emotional drama again.

You may not see that clearly now, as its easy to blame her for your own gullibility, and emotional needs (closure UGH the biggest excuse in the world, to hold on to false hope!), and strong attachments that have to be positively dealt with. As the dust settles it will come to you, to late for now, but something you won't forget when you go through it again. You will know better how to deal with similar circumstances.

So, an update, and not a good one.

After going to the concert with the x and her in not so many words telling me that she didn't want a relationship anymore and me thinking she was trying to keep me on the back burner or as a friend. But then the next day, her emailing me that "she was sorry she acted that way, because she was worried it would make things more difficult". I didn't respond. She continued to contact me, starting with an email that said "I want to see you again" and after me further not responding changing to sarcastic "Thanks for responding!" and "Just ignore me!"

Two days passed with nothing from her, but then one morning I woke up and without thinking emailed her first thing upon arriving at work because I felt like I had to get it off my chest and she was sending me mixed signals. I said, "Lindsay, I'm sorry I just can't be your friend right now".

She immediately responded, "I never said I wanted to be friends. I would like to see you."

So, being somewhat caught off guard thinking (what does she want if she doesn't want to be my friend?) I asked her to meet me for lunch that day and she did.

Things were actually good; we ate and only talked about present day stuff, not bringing up the past.

Eventually she brought "us" up and said that it made her sad to think that this is how things are. I told her that being single has it benefits and that its not all bad being able to do whatever you want whenever you want. So maybe that it is good that we are taking time to find ourselves because you never know what can happen in the future.

She said that she has just been trying to keep busy with school and her new business and not think about it. But that it made her mad that I wouldn't respond to her and she felt like I was only contacting her when it was a good time for me. She made a few statements about how she was not dating anyone but that many guys were interested in her or that she had guys that she was talking to. She then, in so many words, said that based on the current situation, it is just not possible for her and I to be in a relationship. She said something about how us hanging out together is difficult because if we start dating someone else serious that they will not like us being together. But immediately after saying that she kept making passing references to us formerly being together and spending every night together and asking me if I missed it. I don't know if she was saying these things to test me - which I know she has done in the past - or to get a reaction out of me or if she meant them?

We went to a park after lunch and kissed. Initiated I think by me, but reciprocated many times by her. We held hands and kissed for almost an hour.

Shortly after getting back to work, I got an email from her saying "Thanks for seeing me, it was good to see you".

So, knowing that it was her that asked for the break and trying to give her the time she wanted, I didn't respond to her email and decided to wait for her to contact me next. I thought if she really wanted to see me again she would contact me.

Six days passed and I didn't hear one word from her and I didn't contact her. I know she is stubborn and said she was mad that I only contacted her when it was good for me, but nothing?

Eventually yesterday it got the best of me. I send her a text message saying "I was thinking about you today". It's been 24 hours since I sent the text and she hasn't responded?

What do you make of all of this? I know I should have stayed NC, but I kept getting these mixed signals from her and she said she didn't want to be my friend, so why keep contacting me and asking to see me? Then the kissing but saying that based on the sitaution we can't be in a relationship? Is she playing games with me? Or does she think I'm playing games with her and now not contacting me to spite me?

The truth is, I'm just not over her - she's all I can think about and I just try to do things to distract myself. And after 20+ years of dating many many women (some for over a year) honestly believe that I have never met anyone even as close to compatible as we are/were. I have two beautiful women that have been asking me out on dates this week, but when I talk to them all I can think about is how they don't even come close to comparing to my x.

You are playing games and you do contact her when it is convenient for you and then you go NC when it is convenient.
You both are sending mixed signals to each other.
Stop. Pee or get off the pot!

You're both playing games,what's the point?

Are you sitting down and discussing how to repair your relationship and getting back together again?

No,you are not.

So make your mind up,either stick to NC and move on,or keep breaking it and stay confused.

Your call.

The truth is, I'm just not over her

Now your getting somewhere. One of the reasons for healing is to cope with feelings we have in a positive way, and that really is what NC is about, because if you really look at what goes on with all of us, when interacting with a romantic partner, it is our own feelings that motivate us, drive us, confuse us, make us act, and react. Feelings, especially strong ones, make us sometimes not see facts.

Take your situation as an example. You are so bothered about getting things back the way the were that you fail to see the relationship has changed, and will never go back to the way it was. But your contact with her that is fueled by false hope that it will, you fail to see that fact. That's why you leave her alone until the dust settles, and you have your own emotions, and feelings, under better control.

Exes seldom play games, doesn't matter if they do, they do what they do, but its US that act, and react with confusion, fear, and false hope. And thats something YOU can control!

She obviously doesn't know what she wants. She says she wants to see you, but doesn't want to be friends, but also thinks it would be too hard to have any kind of relationship with you, and then you make out, and don't hear from her.

Leave her alone - she WILL CONTINUE to do this, and you WILL CONTINUE to get your hopes up and get hurt.

She may not be playing mind games intentionally - she just doesn't know what she wants at all. Leave her alone. If she does email you, a short email back in all honesty that says "I cannot be your friend right now - we need to go our separate ways and perhaps in a year or more we can try to have a friends only relationship". You need to do it for your own sanity. You may even need to block her email, and phone number.

This will continue, you will continue to be her prey, and will not get over it until you see the need to.

All, thanks for the advice. It is just so difficult when someone tells you they want a "break" and then continues to contact you and make out with you.

I'm not trying to play any games, as the truth of the matter is, I want her back and she knows this.

But I also don't want to put pressure on her/keep contacting her because as everyone on this board indicates - this will only drive her further away. Plus, every time I put myself out there I just open myself up to more pain and rejection.

From what I've read, 99% of the time when someone tells you they want a "break" they are breaking up with you usually to date someone else or have an interest in dating someone else. If I knew that was the case, then I would want nothing to do with her. But instead, since the day she gave me the "break" speech - she has been flip flopping from "I want to see you/I miss you" and "I'm not dating anyone else" to "we can't be in a relationship" and not contacting me for days?

The only conclusion I can draw is that she is unsure of what she wants and is still trying to keep me around in case something better doesn't work out. It's awful, but as much as I want to be with her more than anything, I can't accept the fact that after 5 years I am not her first priority anymore. I can only move on and hope to eventually find someone that will make me as happy.

So, a quick update. After not hearing from the x for a week, I ran into her at a house party thrown by one of my friends. She showed up with two mutual girlfriends of hers that knew the host. I'm sure she new I would be there. When she saw me she simply said "hi" and then didn't say another word to me for the rest of the night. Every time I saw her she was trying to talk to one of my male friends or talking to other guys. Eventually, I decided I just wasn't having fun with her there so I left. That was last Thursday.

The following Monday, I get an email from her asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch. I thought are you kidding me, after Thursday night? Instead of not replying, because I had enough of this, I simply replied "No, I'm done meeting you". To which she responded, "Too bad for you". A few hours later I get another email from her telling me one of her friends got engaged and it made her think that it could have been us. I didn't respond.

Another week goes by, and I don't hear from her. Then, Monday morning comes again (yesterday) and I get a text message from the x asking me if I wanted to meet her for dinner tonight? I didn't respond, and only an hour later I get an email from her saying, "You are so immature. You have no reason not to talk to me. No wonder you are not married yet at 33 years old. Be a man and at least respond." So, I did, by emailing back, "I have no desire to go to dinner with you or talk to you." To which she responded, "Cleveland is a small town. If you can't handle the fact that we're both living here and will see each other, then it's you that has the issues, not me. Your problem not mine."??

Not sure what this has to do with my response or what's she's talking about? Is it because I rejected her asking to hang out with me twice? Why is she even bothing to ask me to meet her? Another manipulation thing? She didn't have more than one word to say to me at the party and then days later wants to go to lunch? And then again after nothing for a week, wants to meet for dinner?

It seems like every time, I'm doing good with moving on and NC, she knows when to contact me again. I guess when it's convenient for her or she's lonely. I'm guessing after rejecting her twice, I won't hear from her again. Just don't understand the point of her continuing to want to see me?

She is a flake and she is immature and selfish.
Be done with her. She has done this to you many times, it's not going to change. Ignore her and she will stop. Keep relenting and then replying she knows she can continue to play her games.

Man, oh, man. After denying her request to have lunch with her twice I thought it would be done. But no siree. She just emailed me a picture of her naked from the waist up and asked if I wanted her to come over tonight and show me the rest?

I hope you told her no thanks.
Until she can talk to you and tell you exactly what's on her mind, unless she can tell you she wants definitely you back, ignore her.
Right now she is playng games.

I don't know what to do with this? I'm getting conflicting advice from my friends. Most women will not just have sex with a man - so some say this means part of her wants me back and wants to maintain an emotional connection? Others, say she is only doing it because you've been denying her. And, it will just mess with your head if you do. Do I respond? If so, what do I say?

You don't do anything.
She said she wanted a break. If she wants you back, she needs to tell you that. Not hint or play games. She is not a child.

If you just have to respond, ask her what all this means. Ask her if this means she wants you back, and if she says she doesn't know, tell her to leave you alone.

Ok, so I woke up this morning and had six missed calls from Lindsay, the x, last night around 11:45pm. Then a text message from her at 5:00am saying, "I got mugged last night. They broke my arm and stole my wallet. I am bruised all over. The My sister had to pick me up from University Hospital. Thanks for being there."

What do I do about this? She told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. Then she constantly gets in touch with me when it's convenient for her. Ignores me when I see her. Then asks me to go to lunch with her. But then tells me she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Then calls me when she has to go to the hospital and slamz me for not being there for her?

I don't want to be heartless and feel bad for her, but what do I do? Call her sister to make sure she is OK? Visit her? Call her? Nothing?

You continue to leave her alone.
You are not responsible for her.
She needs to stop playing games with you.
Call her sister and make sure she is OK but don't talk to her.

Do what you feel is right, man. Don't lie to yourself about what you want to do. This isn't a life or death thing seeing she lived and will live, but it's a big event in someone's life who you care for.

If you want to call, call. If you want to drop by and leave a "Get Well Soon!" card, do so. If you want to give flowers, go for it. You obviously do care and probably are worried for her. However, if you do any of these keep to as minimal contact as possible. Do not speak to her about anything other then saying "Sorry this happened to you.. I hope you get better soon". DONE.

It is breaking NC, but which is worse.. If you do care you'll end up doing it one way or another and at least doing this while controlling yourself allows you to walk away without discussing you two. Doing this after you've made yourself wonder all day/week, then breaking down and calling and maybe even confessing your feelings, is going to bomb you pretty bad.

Other then that I'd do what everyone else says about NC until she flat out tells you she wants to work things out. Anything other then that is B.S. mind games and are only words and ego/power flexing tools..

Good Luck In Whichever Way You Go!

So, I called her sister to make sure she was all right. Other than the broken arm, her sister told me she was doing fine with some minor bumps and bruises. A few hours after calling her sister, I got a voicemail from the x thanking me for calling and asking me if I would call her back to speak with her. Thoughts? I understand this doesn't change anything as she hasn't said anything about wanting to be back together with me - I'm sure this wouldn't be the first thing she would talk about after a mugging! So do I call after weeks of NC? What would be the point? Or would it just make matters worse starting this whole process over again? Or is it selfish of me not to respond and ask her how she is doing - because all I'm concerned about is not wanting to talk to someone who didn't want to be in a relationship with me.

Don't call her.
She wanted the break and if and when she wants to be with you, let her come to you without game playing.
Don't play into her hands.

So I would appreciate some serious advice from all of you that have read this whole story. This afternoon I got an email from the x. It read "Bill, I have been thinking about everything that happened. I have been miserable since we seperated and realize that I want you in my life. I thought I wanted to take some time to figure my life out and see what else was out there. But I realized that you make me happy more than anyone I have ever met. I would like to try things again with us if you are interested. If not I understand. Please let me know either way."

Now, I understand that after the mugging she is feeling very vulnerable and acting on emotions. When things were previously good she had no problem telling me she "wanted a break" and didn't want to be in a relationship with me. As a result, this may be the emotional trauma talking. She has flipped flopped so many times over the past month - from wanting to see me to not caring. She goes from one minute being great to the next minute being the biggest manipulative non-caring b**** in the world.

I still have feelings for her, but do not want to throw myself back into anything if it is only going to be the same cycle over again and months down the road she again decides she doesn't want to be with me. Plus now there is this history of everything that happened which I don't know if I can ever get past. On the other hand, I honestly don't know if I will ever meet anyone as compatible as her (I'm 37!) recognizing that we all have flaws and all make mistakes. But then again according to y'all less than 2% of people who get back together after breaking up work out in the end.

What do I do?

Tell you you two can talk once she is feeling better. Let her initiate the talk then.
She may be out of commission right now and is bored and lonely. She seems to be awfully fickle. I would not trust this last text.

I think you are slowly getting over her and if you two got back together I don't think it would last long. You have seen a different side of her.

I should have listened but I didn't. So days went by and she kept emailing and texting me, telling me she "missed me" and "wanted to try again" multiple times. Eventually, I caved and spoke with her. She told me she wanted to see me so badly, she wanted me in her life and wanted to give us a chance. So, I went to meet her and we spent the afternoon together at a boat show. Things were going well, I thought, maybe she did realize she made a mistake and we can work things out. As the night was ending, I decided to be honest and tell her, I too wanted to try things again but that I was hesitant because things would be difficult from everything that happened and I didn't know if we could ever get back to where we were.

That's when she hit me with, "I still don't want to be in a relationship with you". She went on to talk about how she missed having me in her life, and wanted to see me, but wanted to stay single? She said she wanted us to be with each other, but right now she needed "time on her own". Not friends, but not in a serious relationship? People that dated, but didn't talk about other people they were dating to each other? After all the "I want to try things again" and "I miss you" messages and texts.

She then said me bringing up this discussion at all ruined the evening. She kept repeating that she did not want to be in an exclusive relationship right now but wanted me in her life. She tried to spin things and say that my saying that things would be difficult if we tried again and that there was not a good chance of us working made her too upset and that she couldn't see me anymore. She said that if I didn't like this, the only person who was at fault, was me?

I'm sorry but am I crazy? Or is this girl just completely and majorly toying with my emotions? She "loves me" and "wants to try again" when I don't want to be with her and then "want's to be single" and "doesn't think we should see each other" when I do?

I guess she is right, I am at fault for constantly going back and believing her when she tells me she loves me and misses me only to be rejected over and over again. I wouldn't wish this turmoil and pain on my worst enemy.


So here is to day two of NC again. Even when you think you are out of it after a month, it starts all over again with the crazy dreams, being all you can think about, immense sadness and feelings of complete lonliness in the world. At this point I don't know what to do, go see a shrink? Maybe there is something wrong with me, when one person can single handedly make you love life and think that the world is great when you believe that you are going to be together again, and then hate waking up and feel like there is no hope when they don't want to be with you?

I just don't understand how someone can go from "i love you", "I want to be with you", "I want to start over" and then a fews days later, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you"? It is cruel and manipulative, but then she blames everything on me?

She wants a friend with benefits on her terms. She wants to know that you are there when she wants you, nothing more than that.

This will take time and every time you slip and contact her it adds to that time.
This girl is a no no. Stop hoping for things that are not going to happen with her.
Continue the NC. It will get better.

All the more reason to remove this from your life.
The source of your constant frustration & uncertainty.

Who needs that.

Let her manipulate someone else.

NC buddy. Never let her jerk you around ever again.

Don't allow this pattern to repeat itself any longer.

Stop the confusion and the pain by staying NC forever.

Wow guy, a whole month an a half to figure out its over? Not a record, but definitely time to get with NC, and stick to it. You have a life to rebuild that you enjoy.

Yes, a month and a half ago I should have initiated NC and stuck with it. Let this be a lesson because now I am back to day four of NC after a month of starting over numerous times. And each time it got worse. I feel worse today than I did weeks ago.

But instead, I fell victim to the "I miss you", "I love you", "I want to see you", "I want to try again" contact that was coming over and over again from her when I wouldn't respond.

And then as soon as I did - it went immediately back to "I still want to be single".

I want to blame her for lying and leading me on. But I guess I only have myself to blame. It would have been so much easier if she had just left me for someone else. Instead, she kept up the habit of telling me there was no one else and repeadtedly telling me she wanted me in her life. But the truth was I wasn't good enough anymore to be the only one, just a safety net for her. And she did what she had to do blaming me for my own pain in the end. I guess my only solence is it shows me what type of person she truly is, I wish I would have figured it out five years ago and before I turned 34.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Just be happy to know that she will never hurt you again.

You will be a better & stronger person because of this lesson.

It would have been a lot easier if you had not continued to break NC only to be told the same thing over and over again. No one can make you feel bad without your permission. "Hurt me once same on you, hurt me twice, shame on me"

You know the drill, you know you will feel a little pain but you also know it will get better.
Today is a new day, walk into it.
I wish you well.

Hey y'all. It's been about a week since my last post and wanted to provide you with an update.

After giving in to her contacting me and telling me she wanted to start over, but then when I did agree to see her being told she still wanted to be single, I again dealt with starting NC over again. I've been making decent progress. Have kept NC for over a week now, and it is much harder this time? Still very sad in the mornings and late at night - when I think about how at one point I had her as the biggest part of my life and now she will be that to someone else. Thinking about how if I met her today and we started dating, I definitely would have married her before I let it get to this point. It's very difficult to focus on the negative things that happened between us and I find myself more thinking about how I will never find someone better - as I wasn't able to in the prior twenty years that I've dated. I guess it's just because I haven't found anyone else yet that I am interested in, so it makes it even harder as the girls I have been meeting don't even compare to her.

To make things worse, she continues to call me real late at night a few times, I'm guessing when she's drunk, and send me texts messages saying that she misses me. Again, I guess only when she's lonely.

Right now I find myself just trying to make it through the days, but not really enjoying life. I've even taken to joining multiple sports leagues, taking drum lessons again and hanging out with my friends, but none of seems to really matter to me. More of a way to just keep myself busy. It's funny how one thing can affect you so much.

You will have days like that, but you hang in there.
There is someone out there better for you, she was obviously not the one.

You have made it one week, you will make it another. Soon she will get the message and stop her late night calls and texts.
We are here for you.

That's how it goes. Stay busy - and you will start to have a life that she isn't involved in as much and you will stop thinking about her.

Evenutally you will start to get really pissed off that she keeps contacting you giving you the run around, and you won't even think about talking to her anymore. It's normal to be sad in the morning and evenings when your mind is winding down. Just keep yourself htinking about the other things that are going on in your life like the sports leagues and drum lessons. If you start thinking about her, change your train of thought - go for a jog with some loud music or something.

What you need is time - you put in one week - just keep adding them up one week at a time.

Does anyone think I may need psychological counseling? It has been two months since this ordeal started and I am still not over it. I think about my x ALL the time. I try to stay busy during the day and surround myself with friends and family on the weekends but no matter what I do or where I go I feel like I am completely alone in this world. I feel like nothing else matters. I feel like there is only one person who can make it better.

I've broken up with women before even those I've dated for a long time but it has never been like this. Feeling so alone. Feeling like you'll never meet anyone else. Comparing people I meet to her and not wanting to even talk to them because they aren't as attractive or interesting or intelligent. I can't seem to focus on the bad things that happened and can only remember the good and think how I will never find that again.

In related news she called me four times on Friday night at 3am, drunk I'm guessing. I didn't answer and didn't return the calls. That was three days ago. Nothing since. It's been two and a half weeks since starting NC over for the third time.

Fact is you need more time.

It's been two and a half weeks since starting NC over for the third time.
A lot more. Counseling is an option if you need additional guidance.

I didn't even start posting on this site till we had been broken up for 3 months, so 2 months is nothing dude! If you cared about someone it is going to take a while. Check out a counseling program if you think it will help, but nothing but time is going to make you feel better. Plus every time she contacts you its like starting over.

I say you need to either block her phone calls or get a new number. You need to go "dark" for a few months so you have time to heal. Or at least change her name in your phone to DNA (do not answer).

Once you make a conscious decision to remove her from your life - things will get better. Until you want to do that - you will keep living the life you do now.

As bella99 just said, you have to make a conscious decision to remove her from your life. You have to want to be over her.
This is going to take time, there is no easy fix to this, but it will get better.

nothing but time like the others said... its been 5 months since I was dumped and I still think about it every day... I also get random texts from my ex trying to catch up or say hi but you did the right thing by ignoring your ex's calls. It is just a set back... you know what you have to do, continue to do it. Keep pushing through the days man

It's a bad situation. This sounds awful, but the only real way I will be over her is if I meet someone I like as much. I feel like there is a void in my life as I have a lot of people who I am good friends or aquaintances with but no one who is always there for me; you know the one person you want to phone when something amazing or awful happens in your life. That is what hurts the most - feeling like you will never have that again.

To make things much worse we live in a small town and run in the same circles. My friends and relatives run into her all the time and then will tell me they saw her out at this bar or this event. In fact, one of my co-workers who met through us still talks to her and does things with her. I don't speak to him anymore because of it but he is friends with my friends and other co-workers so it makes it worse because I will hear about them hanging out from my other friends and have to see him at work. Every time I hear about it, it feels like I'm starting over again.

I feel like there is a void in my life as I have a lot of people who I am good friends or acquaintances with but no one who is always there for me; you know the one person you want to phone when something amazing or awful happens in your life.

Basically your talking about a good friend. If you don't have one, why is that?

My fear is you are trying to replace what you have lost, and that is NOT the way to go. Healing is by yourself, for yourself, by building around your happiness, and not making someone else happy.

When that sinks in, you will start healing, instead of suffering.

I live in a small area as well and had to deal with knowing that all of my friends still hung out with my ex. You just need to ask them to keep any info they have on her to themselves.

Sounds like you need to actively make an effort to make some new friends.

It's a bad Idea to just try to replace someone with someone else - you could end up hurting that other person because you used them just to get over the old girl. Plus you will never actually heal and will just continue to hurt. Learn to be on your own and love yourself and being on your own - then your life won't rotate around another human being.

A relationship is meant to be an added benefit to you life alone on earth - not your entire world.

I wanted to provide y'all with a quick update. So I was making it through NC and things were getting better. To be honest I was still completely miserable. I was getting good at not responding to her or taking her bait but making through every day was a battle. Last night I went to a party a friend of mine was having. I walked in and guess who was there.

Yep, Lindsay - the x. In an effort to be cordial I said hello to her as it was a small event and unavoidable, so I tried not to make it akward. We had a brief conversation about her sister and that was that. A few hours later she kept coming up to me to tell me different things. We spoke a few times. As the night wore on, I had a little too much to drink. I'm not sure how exactly it ended up happening, but I left with her and we went back to her place. Y'all can fill in the blanks.

The next morning I woke up, we went to breakfast and she kept telling me how miserable she was. She said that she didn't want to be single anymore and she wanted to be with me again? That she missed us and she wanted to marry me? I didn't reply or say antything, just changed the subject. When I left, she told me that she loved me. Since then she has called twice to ask me to see her again.

So here is the question. Can one person completely change their mind so quickly? Four months ago she broke up with me wanting to be single. Since then she has flip flopped many times telling me she loved me but as early as two weeks ago still telling me she wanted to be single. Now, the opposite? Is that even possible? I know that I may eventaually be setting myself up for a world of hurt again. But to be honest, this morning knowing that she wants me and I have the control - I have never felt better. I am able to function without being so sad or thinking about her all the time. In fact I feel great. How can one person make me so happy? So is it wrong to date her again and maybe things will work out or maybe I'll meet someone else while I do. Or, will that just make things more difficult? I guess what I'm asking is - I've read a lot on here about this "Grass is Greener" thing that women her age go through. Could that have been the case? Or, is there entirely something else I'm missing why now all of sudden she wants me back?

First off, get the "she wants me and I have the control" thing out of your head. It's tacky.
Getting drunk and having sex opened wounds, brought back memories and set you back. I would not start dating her again right away, she still sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.
I'd tell her what you guys did was a mistake under the circumstance and you two should give yourselves some space. Tell her space means no phone calls no text, NC. Suggest you'll see how you feel in a month or so.
You have now set the ground rules for NC, when it starts and when it ends.

Before you get sucked back in yet again, reread your post and see this is yet another circle she is traveling in, and honestly, don't we all feel good after a party, drinks, and sex??

You better think a bit about what you do next as I believe the other her will emerge again, and want space.

I think your feeling are still so intense, it clouds your judgment, and you have hope (AGAIN) she has changed, based on nothing more than words, that have no actions, and drunken sex is not positive action.

I WOULDN'T BE AT ALL SURPRISED THAT SHE SHOWED UP AT THE PARTY JUST FOR YOU. So no defending her. Just pay attention, as I know how hard it has to be to cut those kind of long term attachments and rewrite the intense history of the past, but sooner or later, you will have to make up your mind to get back into the old limbo you have worked so hard to escape, or run your own program that works for you.

No more going with the flow and being confused. Decision time. Now make one!! And stick to it!! (let the glow of alcohol and sex settle down first, because I know you needed that shot of a$$, but don't let it be a factor in your decision).

I would have left at the sight of her.

I was in your position 2 years ago - my ex broke up with me and then asked me to get back with her after 7 months apart. Like you I'd never really healed and my general mood changed the instant I knew she wanted to be with me.

Now we're 2 yrs down the line (6.5yrs together total) and she's broken it off again, only this time we have a house and a mortgage together.

My mistake was to rush back into it without fully addressing the issues that broke us up the first time - now I'm paying for it a second time.

My advice would be to take it VERY slowly! If you feel you can open yourself up to her again, do it but don't go head first. Make sure you talk things through in full before jumping back in...

So, it has been 3 weeks since my last post and I wanted to provide y'all with an update.

Here it goes. As you may know from reading all of the unbelievable bs I've been through the past few months, three weeks ago, I saw my x of over 5 years who broke up with me 4 months ago at a party and ended up leaving with her. After that night, she told me she wanted to get back together with me and started calling to ask me to do things. Having been through this same situation with her before multiple times in the last months, I played it slow and didn't rush back into anything. Since that time, I have seen her two to three times a week for dinner or a movie, etc. I've spent the night multiple times at her place over the past few weeks (fill in the blanks). And things have been generally good. We have fun together.

Each time we've seen each other she's mentioned to me she wants to marry me again. She said that the circumstances that led us to break up were based on other pressure and stress and we both made mistakes. She admits that a month ago she wanted nothing to do with me. But claims that when she saw me at that party three weeks ago - she realized (in a matter of days since our last encouter?) that I was exactly what she has been looking for. That she realizes now that I'm the person she wants to be with and didn't know that at the time. Every time this gets brought up, I have consistently told her I don't want to be in a serious relationship with her again - somewhat of a lie.

On my end, for whatever reasons, I still want to be with her. When she calls or I see her and she expresses an interest in me - it's like the sun is shining only on me. All I can think about is doing things with her and making plans with her when I'm not with her. I've lost the desire to go out and try to meet other women and only want to be with her. And, the women I've met since we broke up were all awful - I started losing hope in ever meeting anyone even close.

Knowing all that, I'm pretty sure she has had sex with another man after we broke up. I didn't. In addition, her demeanor has changed - she talks about still wanting breast implants (something she was previously against), smokes and drinks a lot now (she rarely did this before) and says she has realized that she is just a "wild child" at heart. I always knew she was kind of rebellious - but not to this extent. Finally, she has told me that she is "talking to" many guys who want to date her including a married man. But she says she is just not interested in them.

So, what do you do - when you LOVE someone but also HATE them. When you're with them you're happier than ever. They're the most beautiful person you've dated, you have everything in common with them and love their family. And now, she's telling me she wants to marry me, again.

On the other hand. I hate how she treated me. I hate how she hides things and bends the truth. For example, I wouldn't put it past her if she was sleeping with me and someone else right now - which she would justify by saying "I'm not in a serious relationship with you?" - she did the same thing when we first started dating. But swears she never was with anyone else after we agreed to be in a serious relationship. I hate how promiscious she was in the past. I also don't know if I can ever get over the fact that she abandoned me in the first place. And, I'm also not sure she just wants me now ONLY because she wasn't able to find someone better right away or because I'm the one telling HER that I don't want to be with her (I know that's the type of person she is). In the back of my mind, I truly believe that if I did marry her, one day she may just leave again. Or, am I just being too immature and all of the things I hate could be much worse?

So what do you do?

More getting sucked back in. Bad move.

Lots of "I hate" in that post.

What you should do is move on. NC totally.

She will always do & act like this, then reject you.

Stop.

I agree - you are wasting your time. How can you be with someone you can't trust whose morals are also questionable?

How long are you willing to waste time on her. She makes u feel good in the moment, but how much can you trust her in the long run?

Start living your life without this drama.

Don't worry whether you will find someone or not. The last one didn't do it.

Give yourself some time to get yourself in check. (which you really haven't done yet) Do some soul searching & things that feel good. It'll pay off.

Then have some fun without worrying. She's gone.

Here's one more thing: Never, ever let someone suck you back in after dumping you.

Get in control of this & yourself.

I think you should tel her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.
She is a different person, one you don't seem to care for. You missed her, you missed the idea of her, but I don't think you would be happy with her again.

Don't tell her anything.

Just go NC. She knows what you want. That's why she has such a hold over you. She doesn't want what you want.

Or will.

More of the same patterns of actions and thoughts. You stay stuck on this female, or break the patterns, and get on with your life.

Do you like going in circles or what.

My advice is marry her so you can enjoy this drama forever. I assume you enjoy it, since you always come back for more.

I think her coming back to you makes you feel good "yeah, she finally realized how super I am" Your pride and ego are playing tricks on you. Now get over it and use your head.
Do you really love her?
Do you love her enough to take her back and not be wondering about what she was doing while she was away?
Do you love her enough not to throw this in her face when you have an argument?

I don't think so. But these are questions you need to ask yourself. I will say this, don't play with her. Be better than that. If you don't trust her and love her enough to take her back, be a man and walk away.

Thank you for your advice. Some of it I agree with. Some, not necessarily. For example, "she doesn't want what you want" or "she's gone". Her actions over the past weeks; explaining why she wanted out of the relationship and needed it to realize things, telling me she knows I'm the one she wants to be with, making plans to do things with me, constantly calling me and txting me she "loves me" and "misses me"... say differently. She doesn't have to do any of that. Especially when I am not returning the exact sentiments.

What is so difficult for me to figure out is whether I am over reacting to all of the things I don't like about her. I do tend to over react a lot. For example, everyone has issues with their spouse; most want their significant other to have had less sexual partners; and even happily married couples fight and go through rough times and even sometimes seperations. I'm no saint myself.

When do you have to accept the fact that humans are not perfect and we all do things that others may not like and we all make mistakes?

A lot of you think the best alternative is to never speak to her again. So what you are saying is, once someone breaks up with you or makes some mistakes - they never deserve a chance again? That seems a little harsh and may be driven by such a strong theme for NC here.

On the other hand, I agree that over the past few months she has engaged in this pattern of hot and cold. Wanting me back. Then not wanting me back. Which is somewhat questionable.

So, why wouldn't the sensible course of action be - give her a chance and see if she really means what she says. Enjoy her company but don't commit to anything and continue to live my life for myself. If I meet someone else while I'm doing it that I like better; great. If she proves she is honest about what she wants and we work things out - then that could be great as well.

Wow, I just read through these 18 pages and it seems like you have been through a LOT!

There were times in your messages that I thought to myself you should just leave her and forget about her and find someone better! But through your messages you proved that you do love this girl, either that, or you haven't found someone else to fall in love with yet.

I think you should follow YOUR heart, listen to your OWN advice, everyone here is giving you great advice, but only YOU know her and know how you truly feel! Do what you think will make you happy, do what will leave you with no regrets, have fun, enjoy life, stop being miserable! Life's to short, ENJOY it! Best of luck, I hope in the end you look back at all of this as a great learning experience and benefit in it in some way.

I don't think I have told you anything but have clarity of thought, and make decisions based on facts, and not just feelings.

Do you have clarity of thought? Or the false hope that this time she means it? Sorry guy, when the words match the actions then I will believe them. Or should I go back and count the times you have said they didn't?

You tell me.

Hey Bill,

The only reason Im preaching NC is because it works.
Its what you need, but scared to do, as your OP title states.

Its about you, not her. Don't worry if that hurts her feelings or you will never get her back. That's not what NC is for.

She wants you, doesn't want you, wants you, etc...
Screw that. Is that the kind of person you want?

Not me.

To give y'all an update, it has been over 2 months since my last post. As those of you which have read my story know, I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, when she gave me the "I need a break speech". We did have our issues, but nothing huge. I loved her and planned on marrying her (great family, common interests, beautiful) just couldn't pull the trigger because there was something about her I couldn't trust and I didn't know if I could deal with her *****y disposition all the time. This likey led to us "breaking up".

My posts detailed the 2 months of hell I went through when she told me "she wanted a break", where she would alternate between telling me she "missed me" and "loved me and wanted me back" and then telling me "she didn't want to be in a relationship with me" and insulting and attacking me calling me "pathetic" when I stopped responding and tried to go NC.

Despite all that happened, I still loved her and believed that I would never be able to find anyone better for me. As I wrote in June, we ended up spending the night together after a party and she professed for weeks after that she now knew "I was the person she wanted to be with" and that "she needed the break to realize that".

After what I went through, I took the first couple of weeks slow, not wanting to jump back in. Things were great. She was excited to see me, constantly called me, etc. After a month and some persuading on her part we agreed to exclusively date each other again and give it a second chance.

A few weeks ago, I started to think that things have changed. Or maybe I am just overly sensative? Now that we are back together for almost a month, she has stopped the constantly wanting to talk to me see me. Her demanor has become displeasant to me at times again, but she always blames it on something else (school, work, etc.). But it will alternate between being affectionate and not. The weird thing is, I almost feel sometimes like I am forcing myself on her and that it is inconvenient for her to see me. Again, this could just me being paranoid and insecure.

I also found out that while we were on a break, she became "involved" with a married man she still works with. She had added his name in her phone as "My Future Ex-Husband" and I caught her texting him late at night. I brought up my issue with this and she swears that nothing phyiscal happened, but has acknowledged that she calls and texts him and that his wife disapproves.

Finally, she told me a few weeks ago that she has made plans to go to Las Vegas the first week in October for a "girls weekend" with four of her single friends. And has made numerous comments about getting the men in the clubs there to pay for her drinks and buy her and her friends alcohol. She showed me the plane ticket and she did book it before we officially got back together, but what kind of girl who is in a committed relationship will go to Vegas with four single girls and go out to clubs and NOT cheat?

It comes down to this. I don't trust her. But what I can't figure out is, do I don't trust her because I am overly sensative and paranoid or because there really is a reason not to trust her? I've never caught her in a direct lie or cheating, but something just doesn't feel right and she has had a long history of being conniving. For example, last week we got in a fight over something inconsequential and her response when I asked her what she wanted to do to resolve the issue was; "if you want to take another break that's fine with me". It took me calling back to apologize to work things out for something she started.

Second, all she constantly talks about now is money and makes periodic references to meeting a "rich man" and how she deserves to date someone who makes close to a million dollars a year or a professional athelete. I truly believe that if someone rich came along she would leave me for him. Almost like she is just settling for me now, until she can find someone better and she has no problem doing it on the side while dating me.

Despite all this, I still continue to love her. Likely because I have been out and been single and I can't even come close to meeting anyone as attractive and with the same common interests as I have. At my age, 34, with all my friends married and with kids except for me it seems hopeless for me. I can't imagine putting in the time to find someone else that would want to marry me (I'm not rich but do make a decent living as a small business owner).

The worst part is, the thought of her leaving me again makes me unable to function (almost like she's the only thing that is good in my life even though she's really not). When I was without her my life was miserable and I could barely make it through the day.

Now, it is almost as if having her now (even though I know she makes me miserable sometimes and think she doesn't really want to be with me) is better than not having her at all. I just can't seem to figure out if I am overreacting and being oversenative or if there is really something seriously wrong?

I wouldn't worry about her cheating until she actually does. If you love her the way you say you do - you should love her no matter what her faults are. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone if you don't trust them - and that won't change over time. I say just let her go to Vegas and don't make a big thing about it - if she cheats then it should be over - if she doesn't then great. Believe me a lot of people go to vegas and don't cheat on their significant others. If you are significant enough it shouldn't matter.

If you just think she is going to cheat on you all the time - make up your mind - you are either going to be with her and put up with it and stop complainging about it - or you leave her and leave all of her crap behind.

Your choice. You can deal with her the way she is or leave her.

Oh and 34 really isn't that old - once you realize that maybe you will have an easier time finding other people to date.

This is why you don't go back after a break up without dealing with the issues that caused the break up.
I also think you were told by some that if you did get back together, it wouldn't be the same, you would not trust her.
What you should do is tell her you are just not feeling her like you did before, you have some misgivings and you think you two should call it quits.
This is headed for a break up anyway. Why would you want to stay with her knowing she is texting somebody's husband?
End this before you get hurt again.

Bill you sound like me 3 months ago.

I gave 150% to my ex and was getting probably 60% back. At the beginning they are all over you like a rash then a month later... you get left emotionally again. Every single time there were promises of changes but it never happened. We never did solve the problems that caused the breakups in the first place. Big Mistake!!

So I was miserable in the relationship and I was miserable out of the relationship. What do you do??

I left. And yes I'm miserable, lonely and miss my ex terribly every day. But id rather be all that then be played like a fool and given false hope of a life together.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

I really agree with kaka67. I used to successfully get the ex back once. The first month, only the first month, everything seems to be really great with such a bright future and promises. After that it went down and down with many things that put me in doubt and the same old feelings that I was left alone without his understanding and caring. Whenever I tried to have commnucation, it turned out to be avoidance and almost silence from his part. It's really hurt and painful. In addition, deep down in the heart, I found out that I didn't trust him and I can't forget all the past when he lied and cheated on me. My instinct and his behaviors showed quite clear that he didn't want to make it work but just be with me because he can use me for some benefits. Then the time comes when he got what he wanted, he dumped me without even look back.

Who's to blame but myself. I shouldn't even get him back in the first place. When the pain was just too much and the trust was broken long time ago, the feelings just can't be the same again. I learned all this in a hard way. This time I make a huge difference as I rarely look back and never think about getting this seflish bad guy back into my life again.

When you do NC, this is for the purpose of getting over her and move on happily with your life, not for any other false hope reasons. Therefore, think through, make a decision, and go for it. If your decision is to continue having her in your life, then do it and accept whatever consequences that might come like what happened to me. But if you think it'd better to move on, then stand up for yourself, stay strong and keep doing NC strictly. It's hard, I know, but one day you'll be fine and happy again if you can do it.

I would cut your losses now.

Just know that this isn't going to change (you have LOTS of proof) & that there is a woman out there that can actually love you for you.

Not treat you as an option. Then come back and talk about her other "idea men" She's got some balls.

You are letting this all happen by keeping her in your life.

My guess is when she is no longer in your life, you will feel a giant weight lifted.

Nothing but disrespect from her. Not love.

Ok, so an update and a request for advice.

As many of you know, my current "girlfriend" of 5+ years broke up with me, was definitely with other men (99% sure), and then we got back together. She claimed she needed time to "find herself" and now knows that I'm the one she wants.

I've tried to put the past behind me and make things work because despite all that's happened, I love her. And don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to.

That being said, I don't trust her AT ALL. But I can't figure out if I am just so overly sensative and paranoid that I am making it up. Or, if there is really something going on.

To give y'all some background. She now lives by herself about 45 minutes away from me. We see each other approx 3 times a week and talk multiple times everyday. She tells me she loves me and constantly makes references that I'm the man she wants to marry. And has been making a lot of references recently about "she's ready to get married".

That being said, she constantly cancels plans to see me. Always saying let's just do something another night or makes some sort of excuse.

I am aware that she has not told most of her friends that we are back in a relationship.

Our sex life has gone from great; to once every two weeks. She has always claimed that she is just not a sexual person. But I am aware she has been with MANY partners.

She is very protective about her phone and constantly checks it.

Then, last night we went to a bar. I ran across the street to visit my friend. When I came back she was talking to a guy. When I asked who he was, after having to pry it out of her, she admitted that he was someone that her sister set her up with when we broke up but that they had never met. I saw on her phone his name and found out that she had been texting with him over the past few weeks (we got back together months ago) and invited him to come meet her at the bar. When I questioned her about it, she said "oh, I invited him for my single friend"? I also found out from another one of her friends, that my girlfriend showed her a picture online of this guy the day before and commented how handsome he was.

After this, I also found out that she has been texting with another guy that she "went out with" when we broke up. But she claims that he just keeps inviting her out and she is only being nice by responding.

On the other hand, while she does cancel plans with me I know that she is home on the nights she does (I speak with her) and over the past couple weeks has not gone out by herself or just with her friends - so it would be very difficult for her to be actually cheating on me with someone. She also does make plans to do things with me with her friends and family.

So, the question is, is it wrong for her to be talking with and inviting to meet out some guy that her sister set her up with while she is "in a relationship" with me? When I raised the issue, she told me I was the one with trust issues. When I told her that was OK as long as he knew that she was "in a relationship", she claimed she didn't need to go out of her way to tell anyone that.

I get the daily feeling that she is just keeping me around until she finds something better. And based on her history, is doing deceitful things behind my back. Maybe not going out with other guys, but definintely talking to them.

If that is the case, why would she waste her time to just keep me on the back burner. Or, am I just so paranoid from all the bad things that happened that I am making it up in my head.

The Catch 22 is; I'm miserable without her (unable to function) and I'm miserable with her (but is it of my own doing?). I just wish she could be a good person. Or maybe I'm the one that is too critical?

"I get the daily feeling that she is just keeping me around until she finds something better"

That's what it sounds like to me too. Don't let her.

Like I said, cut your losses now. Doesn't seem like its getting any better or will.

She can say whatever you want to hear, but her actions speak volumes.

Did you really solve the issues from when you broke up before? I'll bet not.
Why did you take her back?
You don't trust her, you have the same issues as before and now you're asking advice again.

She is not going to be who and what you want her to be. She is who she is.
Get a clue. Leave her alone. And really leave her alone this time.

Agree.

Sounds to me like you are "goign out" with her for convenience and she is doing the same thing. Of course when you break up with her you are going to be miserable at first - you deal with it and it goes away. Sounds like she is just waiting for something better to come along just like you said - and when it does you are going to be miseralbe when she breaks up with you anyway.

You don't trust her - and you never fixed any of your problems so they will keep being issues. Can you live the next 60 years of your life with someone you don't trust?

End it now - it will hurt - but its going to hurt just as much when she breaks up with you. Make it a clean break - no talking - no texting - SERIOUSLY this time - and move on - there are better people in the world that you will be able to love and trust who will dot he same for you.

Harshness warning
If you were not so obsessed by your own fear of losing her, you could have walked away a very looooooooooooooooooooong time ago, and healed, and found happiness already.

Until you get over the FALSE FEELING you will never be attracted to any one like you are her ever in life, you will drown in your own sh!t!!

For one, how the freak do you know what you will find if you stop being stuck, and put the effort you put into wasting your time with her, and her BS, into moving beyond her and getting a life that you enjoy, then you would have better options and opportunities than you do now!!

For sure, even you can see how unhealthy your thinking has become since this whole thing started. You are a insecure, scared, paranoid, needy person who is a lousy partner for anyone. Not her fault, its YOURS, so grow up, and own it, and change it.

And you keep coming back asking for stuff you don't want to hear, nor intend to think about. See a doctor, get a pill, because your ears ain't listening.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


I agree 100%

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


I agree 100%

Me too!!

Totally.

I'm sorry but your latest post makes me feel like at this stage you just still don't think about breaking up with her. I say I'm sorry because I seriously think, after reading your posts, that "This guy deserves far more better than this!"

And even she does something that clearly not respect you and continually put you in doubts. After giving you some lame explanations, you believe it or even you have some doubts, you still always try to find reasons to make an excuse for her or think that maybe you yourself are having issues or it's you who think too much. She doesn't even have to put any efforts to do a single thing to keep you or the relationship as you will always be here for her no matter what. Maybe when the more right guy for her shows up, she may break up with you (again) and when it doesn't work out, she can still get you back to her (again) as your actions and your words really match together "despite all that's happened, I love her. And don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to". She is just so lucky then, nothing to lose at all on her side.

But how's about you, what's about you? If we all say, this is not good enough for you and we think she lies and she doesn't care about you, are you going to believe us and break up with her? I believe that people who post all comments here want you to be happy. And in my opinion, how can you be happy if you have so many doubts with what she has done to you. Even if you convince yourself that it's you who think too much, can you stop the feelings of having doubts and the fear that one day she might go away from you?

It's normal to feel the way you feel. When someone dumps you for whatever reasons, it normally causes so much pain of being left and being abandoned. That's why most people usually don't go back to the ex and I think that's a more sensible decision. They choose to move on rather than going back to the one who causes them so much pain. How can you trust someone who hurt you once or more than once? Lot of us choose to feel the pain of the break up and they all survive and it's true that the pain usually fade away when time goes by. They choose to be with themselves than being with someone who no longer wanted them or treated them badly.

Based on me, and based on many good caring honest girls in the world, if I love someone, I don't leave him, I don't put him down, I don't break up with him, I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I never intentionally hurt my boyfriend feelings. When there's any problem or issue, I will honestly communicate with him and talk to him, so he can always trust me. And if you meet a girl with this character and integrity, the word "trust" won't even be an issue at all. It's really nice that you want her to be a good person. But the point is that you just can't and never be able to change the person to be whatever you like them to be. She is who she is and she won't change for you.

Therefore, I don't understand when you say that you love her and you say you don't believe you find someone better, if that so, then, why you still seem to suffer and have so many doubts instead of being happy? If she is all you want, you have to accpet all her qualities and for who she is, for both good and bad, right? You have to be ready and prepare to be a good backup in case that she dumps you again. At the same time, you also have to be ready to accept that, for who she is, she won't care so much about you and will always continue putting you in doubts or might secretly dating other guys sometimes. Are you prepared to handle those things that might happen (because she did them all before)?

From what I see, you keep posting here because you suffer from her actions and you don't trust her. Why keep going on this way and suffer yourself? You hope she will change for you one day? I don't think you deserve this at all. This is not about her, as she is who she is, but it's about you. After all those things she has done, you love her I know, but do you love yourself enough to begin to believe that you might deserve something or someone better?

You said "don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to." If you still attract to someone who broke up with you, put you down, and always look out for other guys, or even lied to you, if you believe that this is all you can have, then you are right about it. Sorry to be harsh, but when you believe it this way, you won't even think about other alternatives or stand up for yourself (let alone breaking up with her), so this will become truly all you can have (sometimes happy, but then mostly doubts, suffer, upset, roller coaster, or whatever).

My ex dumped me and treated me very badly, used and lied to me most of the time when we were together. In my case, he didn't come back (thanks god!). But assumed that he does come back and begging me, I will just say "No". I will never ever take him back to my life again. And the same as you on the fact that I really and do love this guy a lot I never imagine loving someone this much. But I separate my feelings from the fact and reality, I have to love myself more not to let myself being treated the way he treated me, or let someone who hurt me and caused me such a deep pain back into my life and wish that it will be different. I won't falsely believe that I can still have a future with a person who dumped me and badly hurt me as I just won't trust and won't believe anymore and why should I?

My age is close to you, and even if I become 50, I won't believe that I can't be happy on my own or can't find someone better. The opportunity is always there and it's only you to choose whether to see it or not. There're endless of possibilities out there, please just keep positive outlook towards life. I don't believe that this ex guy is the only one I'm going to love. I believe that I deserve to be with someone far better than him and I will find someone who will deeply and truly love me for who I am and I will reciprocate his feelings. In the case that I don't find that someone, I can be happy on my own surrounded by family and friends who cherish me and never dump or leave me for whatever reasons. I consider that far better than anything already.

Until you start to change some of your perspectives and some of your beliefs and direct them to a more positive way and towards a way of loving and cherishing yourself, you will remain stuck in this relationship. Please VALUE yourself.

I don't if this will help since I am going through a similar break up.
But, a few days ago I was in a relationship where my boyfriend was simply not available. I made excuses due to his hectic work schedule, but my gut feelings told me that there was something more going on that just wasn't right with the relationship.

But I stayed because I was blindsided by the way he treated me: he treated me well and made sure I received just enough attention. I felt that the relationship was going nowhere because we were simply not compatible. But we never really had any heated argument. Silence can be quite deadly sometimes!

But as I had posted before in my story, he broke up with me due to my request for more quality time (I thought this was a reasonable request. He on the other hand probably thought I was making drama. Whatever.). He came back later and then asked for time- off. Either way, I was devastated. Didn't eat, sleep and was lagging behind with work. I hated that I was losing control over my life.

But, I also I hated the feeling of being alone and was latched on to making the relationship work. I eventually begged and he came back. Everything seemed to be back to normal.

NOT so. His break up caused me more pain and I began to see the relationship for what it was. I ended the relationship 2 weeks later, because I realized he loved me but was not really into me after he had said something to me that day (it had triggered my decision to end it). He didn't step up. I found out later, I had broken up over a big miscommunication. He had no intentions of breaking up with me.

The funny thing is... if it was meant to be and eventhere was miscommunication he had the perfect chance to explain his side of the story when I broke up with him. He didn't explain himself and simply agreed to the break up. Either way, the relationship was not worth it to me because I realized it was simply more of a toxic attraction that I was so latched on to. And my head was telling me enough is enough.

I'm sure deep down, your head and heart is telling you the right answer, but that fatal attraction/ addiction towards her and fear of loneliness are pulling you back.

Trust me. It is hard to break up and breathe on your own. I've had a few relapses where I text him to meet up. But then, I thought, "what am I doing?" I am still mourning and fighting urges to reconcile. But the best thing about the break-up was that I was finally able to find the courage and stop what was not healthy for me. I can finally be me.

Anyhow, I don't know if my story is any help, but wanted to share it with you to show that you are not alone in this crisis.

You should have married her when you had the chance..

First, I wanted to thank everyone for the support and advice. I am aware it is so hard to give advice on something when you don't know me or my exact situation; only what I am able to put here online.

That being said, I agree with what a lot of you have written. I know deep down she is NOT the perfect person I am looking for (i.e. someone who puts me before themselves as I did with her and would do for someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with).

On the other hand, there are so many good things about her that I love and have never had with anyone else (e.g. almost identical common interests, a good family that cares about me, she's so beautiful that if I were married to her I would never want to cheat with another woman, etc.). Which is why it makes all the awful things that happen and the bad things currently happening so difficult.

It is a horrible position to be in because with her I am happy but sometimes miserable. Without her, I am devistated and unable to focus on anything else. I know this is unhealthy and I know it is more of my personal issues that are causing this.

For example, I can admit a lot of this has to do with my insecurities. I want to be able to provide her with the house, car, life without having to worry about money, things she wants, etc. - but financially I just can't. To make it worse, her boss (the married man) she was with and all her friends and her work colleagues - live this life and they bring her into it. I can tell, it is very important to her. And, I guess, if you had the ability to be rich and have many well connected friends to do all these things - who wouldn't want that?

In addition, I can admit that I haven't been the perfect person for her either (I've lied to her, I've sometimes treated her badly, etc.). But I hope that people can change. That is probably the only reason I still hang on to our relationship; the mere hope that maybe it can be what it once was and what I want it to be.

The reality is, I know in my heart that I can't keep her - I'm not good enough. Or maybe, I am - and I deserve better - but I just have no confidence that I need to keep her in my life to feel better because sometimes, as bad as it is, it feels like it is the only good thing I have going for me.

To summarize - yes, I am unbelievably insecure, paranoid, etc. I am probably not a good partner to be in a relationship because it causes me to be jealous and question everything.

On the other hand, maybe I should question everything because of her actions.

It would be so much easier if I could just catch her cheating or lying, etc. But instead she is always very cunning and makes me feel like I am crazy to question her. Then tells me she loves me and only wants to be with me. It makes me think, maybe I am crazy to not trust her?

It almost feels like I am in a mentally abusive relationship. But if you asked her, she would say there is nothing wrong I am doing it to myself.

So you are stuck on her. I can understand that, so at some point you are going to have to make a decision, and stick by it no matter what the outcome is, good or bad so either jump in all the way and take the risk of facing a disaster, or walk away and never look back. Sitting on the fence only results in splinters on your butt and a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Make a decision for yourself, and end this torture, as I know you have personal issues that you need to address for yourself, but too bullheaded to explore any solutions, that don't give you what you want, and the thing you want is her, instead of being happy with yourself.

But you know all this as we keep going around to the same thing over and over, so enough venting, ranting, and stuff like that, its time for action my friend and I mean do something besides b1tch about the situation, and your feelings. She ain't going to change not one bit, are you?

But if you asked her, she would say there is nothing wrong I am doing it to myself.
She is right. Time to sh1t, or get off the pot.

Well admitting you have these faults is a start. You've now created a foundation on which to improve on.

However everything you put after, you've destroyed that foundation and gone back to square 1 again.

It can't be much of a honest, trustworthy and committed relationship if you're looking for something to pin on her.

And to be honest the only one being mentally absused in this relationship is you.. and unfortunately you're doing it to yourself.

You should have walked away and left it long ago. And wisely advised by Talaniman a while back.

I think you are in need of an honest self evaluation, without her influence. It's a painful process, but one that could break your addiction to this female. Are you up for it, or would you rather wallow in your own misery?

Like I said, make a decision for yourself.

Bill, regardless of what you will do, I think as long as you still have her in your life and still be with her, it will be very difficult to have a clear mind of what's going on. I don't say that you don't have some negative personalities, I read most of your posts and of course, as you said, I feel that you are not a secure or a confident type of person. I mean as human, we all have some negative behaviors or some bad habits and it's our own decision to improve ourselves to be a better person, which will of course contribute to our success and happiness with our own self and with other people around us.

But again, as you post your questions regarding the girl, I recommend that you should move on, maybe learn to be alone for a while, be with friends and family and simply be happy with your life. I think this is a better choice because, either it's because of you, her, or both you two, I see you suffer and not happy in the relationship and get stuck in something that's obviously unhealthy.

However, from what I see, I don't think you can walk away until there are some events that hit your limitation hard enough and clear enough you just can't remain stuck anymore, i.e. she (again) breaks up with you (totally let you go and never come back), or you catch her obviously cheat or lie to you again and again. I don't know when that point will come or when you will just get enough of it and tired of it. I'm concerned that that point might never come at all without any help on her part. If there's no situation that force you to leave her, you will remain stuck. Even when she breaks up with you, only some sweet words can get you back so easy. You just can't do it on your own (right now obviously).

"I just have no confidence that I need to keep her in my life to feel better because sometimes, as bad as it is, it feels like it is the only good thing I have going for me." This was exactly what I thought and that's why I never left my ex, until (with his help) he dumped me and never came back. And only NC, without him in my life, I begin to consider and evaluate the relationship without any bias and came to the conclusion that this was not the relationship that's worth saving (my false or his false just doesn't matter much than my belief to be happy on my own and my feeling of getting enough of the guy) and it'd better for me to take another way, so I never contact my ex again and begin to live my life. It's very difficult I have doubts if I can make it, but I'm still here and survive without him in my life.

Why you consider her the only good thing in your life? Don't you think that's bit unfair to other people who love and care about you? Maybe you just don't look at any other things that much. By keep being too obsessive on her, how can you see other things better than her? Just seeing a blue sky, doing some charity, hanging out with some good friends, can make you incredibly happy.

Anyway, I don't see you can do it or you can see it the way I see just yet. Anyway, I hope you will try to be more positive and be happier with your life and change some of your perspectives. Please don't suffer yourself or worry too much about her. Please engage yourself in other nice activities rather than just thinking about her. I hope there will be time when you really figure out what's the best for you. If you don't feel ready getting out, no one can push you to do so. Best of luck to you.

You first posted this is March - and you are still going through all of this just as if it was day 1 in March. When my ex broke up with me it was April 09 - I wallowed in it for a while - but by September I had pretty much accpted it and moved on. It is much less painful than you think to move on from an abusive relationship (sounds like this one is both her and you causing mental abuse on yourself). Yea it hurts in the beginning but just take it one day at a time - the more time and distance between you and the ex the less it hurts.

You have been dragging this out for months now -yea you thought you beat the system when she took you back, but really what did you win? You are definitely in more pain now than you would have been had you just told her to shove it and moved on back in the beginning.

It's not too late though to start now. Tell her to take a walk - and don't you look back. It is GOING TO HURT but - just think every week the pain will be less until you don't think about it anymore.

You sound like you could use a dose of being single - learning to enjoy life with friends - with out a significant other. You can't truly love another person and experience their love for you if you can't love yourself when you are alone. So - go out and experience and enjoy life - be selfish - love yourself. The world does not revolve around this one girl - you are missing out on a lot of good times by sticking to her.

In sum: get out - tell her to shove it - don't look back EVER!

You need to let this girl go and focus on you. You can't do that while you're still wondering about her sincerity.
You're miserable with her and miserable without her. Leave her alone and work on yourself.

There might be something seriously wrong with me. I read everyone's advice and know in my mind that this relationship (on then off, then on again, good then bad; then bad again) is making me miserable - whether it is because of her or just me or both of us. It's all I can think about.

So, last night, I had a short conversation with her about how I don't know if this is working for us based on some of the recent things that have happened to see what she would say. Her response was simply, "If you think you need to take some time apart, go ahead". That's it. No, you mean enough to me to work things out. Or, what can we do to fix it. Just, OK, if that's how you feel, then fine with me.

So, I tried to go to sleep and I couldn't. My heart was racing and my mind was spinning. I tried to think about all the good things that could potentially come in the future (not having to worry about trusting someone I don't trust, hopefully finding someone that truly cares about me and treats me right, etc.), but I couldn't. I tried to distract myself by watching comedy on TV. All that constantly kept coming back was overwhelming panic and sadness: how am I going to live the rest of my life and not have her as my wife or the mother of my children? A feeling that I just can't live without her. I dosed in and out of sleep all night waking up every hour - each time having a nightmare related to my x and waking up with a feeling of immense panic and depression.

Before I knew it, I was calling her at 6am - the time I knew she wakes up. Just to hear her voice. We talked briefly about nothing. She seemed upbeat,asked me if I still planned on seeing her this week (we had made plans to go to an event over the weekend) and told me she "loved me". This conversation alone is now the only reason I am not in sheer panic and sadness?

How is it possible that this one person can affect me so much? With just talking to her it can make my day go from awful to tolerable and temporarily alleviate the sadness until it comes back again from realizing that invetibly it will just come to an end.

Wonderlife, you're right. Without proof of her directly cheating (and her constant denials of doing anything wrong) or her telling me "she's done with me" and continuing to tell me she loves me and wants to see me; I can't find the strength to leave. When I think of the pain of not having her, it is just unbareable.

To make matters worse, I just graduated from grad school in August and was supposed to start working at a new job at the end of this month. They called today to tell me that the position is no longer available due to the downturn in economy. It is hard to stay positive with so much negative going on. The funny thing is; having her in my life and believing that she would have stood by me no matter what would have made this news OK. Now it feels like I truly have nothing.

I couldn't agree more.

"If you think you need to take some time apart, go ahead"

Not exactly a vote of confidence, now is it?

Take Homegirl50's advice.

You will find that you life is WAY better without her & this drama.

She says she loves you, still sees you, and you are madly in love with her.. Of course you can't walk away. Anyway, you would be more miserable without her. Sure, the smart thing to do would be to tell her to get lost. But you know you won't do that. So you might as well hang in there. She will dump you as soon as she finds someone else, you know that, but until then make every minute you spend with her count. You're only chance now is to get her so comfortable and dependent on you, she'll realize that you were the right guy all along.

I think you need to take a break from this woman and get some professional help.
You are sounding desperate and that is not attractive or healthy.

I don't doubt this girl cares for you but she is not as addicted to you as you seem to be to her or the idea of her.
As I see it you have two choices; you stick it out with her, with your doubts and phobias until she either gets tired and leaves you or finds someone else and leaves you, or you take a break and get your head back on straight. Things may work for the two of your later or you may find you're not in such "need" of her.
You are not a happy person. This woman does not make you happy, she is causing you stress. You are in a place you know you should not be.

And by the way Bill, don't expect her to give you any encouragement to stay with her. You think she wants you blaming her for leading you on if and when that day comes and she is done with you? Also, look at the bright side. I'm sorry that job didn't come through, but now that frees' you up to play nurse maid to her after she has her plastic surgery. That can go a long way in proving to her that you love her unconditionally. Just make sure you don't get sick cause somehow I don't see her sticking around unless there's something in it for her..

Bill, stop being her puppet.

The minute you cut those strings, you will be able to focus on your well-being. She's manipulating you.

You know why? Because you allow it, Then regret it.

If someone I cared about said to me "If you think you need to take some time apart, go ahead"
I would do it. For good.

That might as well be, "screw you."
She doesn't care. Just gets off on you being at her feet.

And once you do cut the strings, she will for sure come sniffing around to see if you are the same person that will fall to your knees for her.
Just like you always have.

But hopefully, by that time, you will have seen the light.

No longer her puppet.

Bill, be strong and really try to go on NC. I beg to get back with my ex and I too caught her texting with her colleague at wee hours and she said nothing is going to happen.

A few days after she broke up with me, she is with the colleague already that fast. I have never been so devastated before but yes, I'm a man and I cried almost a full week even when I am driving.

But then again, what the others have said is true. If she loves you. She will accept what ever good and bad. Or at least she could sit down and talk which in my case my ex didn't (She just left in a blink *).

Right now, I am sticking with NC even though my belongings are still at her place due to transportation. It made me heal better. At times though will think of her and all the good memories.

With that sad, I am suffering but this is the way it should be unless you don't love her. NC should be the way regardless of how the "break-up" started. Is all about healing yourself. Love yourself.