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I have been seeing this girl since November in Philadelphia, and have now moved to the middle east to begin a new job. The connection I felt with her is incredible and she is amazing.
My contract is for 2 years, so after that I should return. So far the hard thing is having to adapt to this new life. On both sides we told each other that we will make this work and talk and so for the moment it is working. On top of this she tells me she wants to be strong and wait for me becomes she has never felt like this about someone or cried over someone leaving like me.

Here is the problem : why do I feel weird about this, my stomach is all tightened and feels like I am depressed a little. Being pessimistic about this working than optimistic. I really love her and want to make it work but why multiple feelings.

Hope you can give me some encouraging thoughts, would greatly appreciate it.


To be clear the relationship started in philadelphia where I use to live and now have moved to the middle east

Communications is the key, and having some well defined guidelines and rules about being in touch helps a lot. Two years is a long time, and makes it hard for couples to always be connected and to bond as you learn about each other on a deeper level. All relationships are a risk, and you have to take it or run for the hills.

Check out these two sites for some insights,

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship (http://www.aish.com/d/w/48964126.html)

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)


I hope they help, and if you have any questions, just ask.

Your feelings are completely normal. I had them when I was in a LDR as well, and I can understand the multiple feelings.

You feel weird and pessimistic because let's face it, not many LDR's work out. They just don't. Lack of trust, lack of physical touch, not seeing them hardly ever can take a toll on both parties involved, and more often than not, "Out of sight, out of mind" comes into play.

However, just because statistics are against couples doesn't mean they should give up once distance becomes an issue, especially if they really believe they love each other. I think it's great you and her are trying to work this out, and I wish you the best of luck.

Are you going to be visiting her at all during this 2 year separation? I would highly suggest it. Love packages, letters, photographs, little things sent by mail really help A LOT. It lets the other person know you're thinking about them.

And remember, if it doesn't work out, you gained experience, and will eventually go on to find someone that makes you feel all giddy inside again.

I wish you the best of luck!

Yes I will try and go a few times during the year, and like you said we are committed to trying it work and are trying to remind ourselves that we want to do this and are committed. I just hope this is not early talk and we will pull through it. I just don't want to believe that it is you environment that determines who you end up with, and that LDR can work.

The only thing that can show results at this point is time. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you two really care about each other. Now you must put that to the test.

I hope that you will have the luxury of knowing they can work!

Thx Torrid13. I hope it will work, as I have never felt this connection before with anyone, same interest same way of thinking same personality. Oh well time will tell if it is meant to be. Like you said if not I would have leant a great thing.
I hope I won't fall in the jealous thing if she goes out and what she doing.

Its has been two moths now since I last saw my girlfriend and although it is going well I am feeling insecure.
I do not know why?
We have really spoken a lot about what we want to do where we want to take this relationship (marriage) and we communicated on a daily basis but why am I feeling pessimistic or down. We talk about having a family eventually in a few years and have all our goals set up together and I do get excited, but then when my mind tends to wonder.
I know part of being away will help us grow together and independently as we will connect on a higher emotional level but this reaction really is weird.
Does anyone have any advise please

Stay patient and positive, and keep working for yourself, as the balance you have in your life, will help when those negative feelings creep into your mind, as they do to us all from time to time. Its normal to have them, what counts is what you do, or don't do when the happen. It's a learning experience that shape our thinking.

Yeah really trying hard to not think about this... do not know why these feelings appear like this. I guess because previous realtionships didn't work out maybe I have become very conservative and careful

Is there any chance that you will see her within these 2 years? What about a webcam? Try re-reading the tips in the links that Tal provided in his first response.

Long distance relationships are extremely though, so you're going to have to put in extra effort to maintain it. You just need to stay strong and have confidence and trust in her.

Yes, we communicate everyday and we speak on webcam often. I also try and visit every few months as much as I can but with work it is sometimes easier said then done
. I am planing to be back for good in 2 years at the latest so that will be great in the mean time have to toughen it up

Dear all, some of my insecurities are rising now, I don't how to explain it but I feel it in me. It has been a few months now since I have seen her and although we talk everyday we are both frustrated that we haven't seen each other. She keeps telling me that she it is hard and I miss you more everyday (which makes sense) but it's the hard part that worries me. On my end I also tell her that it is hard but we both have been doing great and are communicating and sharing, and we both reassure ourselves that we still want to be with each other.
I get worried here and there, especially when she tells me these things . Is it normal ? Or am I being to insecure
Despite these moments, which lately have been more frequent, we keep talking about our plans for the future and what we want to do. Every relationship has its rough patches and I guess this is one of them right ?

One of the advices that was in the link that Tal provided was the speak less often on the phone, so that when you actually speak, it will be extra special.

You've been consistenly speaking with each other and probably going in circles with your conversation. Sounds like you're getting into each other's hair.

How about giving each other some space to cool down before talking again?

The other advice provided was that you should spend some time building your own lives. Your own hobbies and be independent. When you're both happier with your own lives, you will be more upbeat when you speak to each other.

This sounds like a burden. Personally, I don't think any relationship is worth hair-loss and stomach ulcers, you're bound to wreck yourself with stress.

Break up with her, since your admitted pessimism tells us you don't believe you can keep this up for two years, and aren't you like 8 or 9 hours ahead of her time anyway?

I do believe it is possible, it will just take a lot of effort. I feel that my heart wants to but at the same time it is scared
Work is really making it hard for me, I was suppose to go see her soon and now do not know when or if I can make it.
I tell her that it is going to be all right and she knows it, she just admits and I agree that it is hard not being around one another but we both still believe

I wish and slapshot : I completely understand what you both are saying, we both do our own things, not stay at home and wait for the call, and develop our own lives but still miss the life we had together. She misses sleeping next to me and having me, and I guess the time apart makes you think about that. That is what make me feel weird is because I care too much for her and hate to see her like that.
I wanted to see if I could relocate back to the us but helas I can't for now

We had an argument yesterday because I told her that I don't know when I am coming to see her. I was suppose to go but something came up at work. She got mad. Things are better now, I guess on the sport the emotions got carried away

I have strong hopes. It can be done, it is just work

Is there no way you could just make a short visit soon?
It's a lot of hard work for you both but I wish you well.

I am planning to, but because of work I don't know when. But seeing her for two days will be better than nothing right

Can't it be done if you don't see each other for more than 3-4 months, I believe so right, all it is is will power

My mom told me if two people love each other than no matter what it will last... I believe in this philosophy, what do you think ?

So long as both parties are willing to work for it, communicate honestly and make sure the relationship moves forward-yes in reply to your question.

Yes indeed, the hardest is however when you know when you might see them and you end up not coming or having to postpone because of work or something you cannot control... that is the worst it hurts and is painful...

Yes I understand and you have my sympathy-try to set a new goal-a future time when you will be able to make it to meet up-something to look forward to.
Where are you? And where is she?

Middle east and she is USA... so it not the closest destination... you can see the build up and the pain that comes if it does not work.

Yes- try to expect it to work-your relationship was solid before you went away-there s no indication its going to go downhill, so stay optimistic.

Yes this is what I do... but what hurts is when I tell her that I cannot come and she becomes irrational on the phone. I understand she wants to see me and I do as well. But can't help those things sometimes, and I get worried that one day she will be weak and won't take it anymore

I think that s her own insecurities and great disappointment speaking-so long as you manage to sort this out through calm honest discussion you should be all right.

Update : GF yesterday was very sad, says she is tired of this situation. She says that the fact that I was suppose to come twice and never could has hurt her. She is starting to become irrational.

All she says now is all you do is talk and you don't do anything
I tried to make her understand that work is work and class is something else .
Do not know how to handle this

I think she feels rejected,and only honest mature discussions about how and when you can actually spend time together will get this back on track. Am I right in believing you are both in your twenties? And that you are also of different faiths?
And where do you both intend this relationship to go once you re back in the States?

She is feeling rejected but she shouldn't I keep telling her that it is out of my hand which to be honest it is. Yes we are both in our twenties, you are correct. She has never worked before maybe that s why she can't understand . I am seriously out of ideas on how to make her feel better

Regarding faith we have disccussed this matter and are willing to both compromise. Finally regarding the third point we are looking to get married... but she wants to rush everything

She tells me that we cannot waste time during this year and half... I don't get that , I am not wasting time and neither are you we are both buildgin our foundation for a better futur, you with school and me with work

But all she says now is you keep talking and not doing anything... maybe because she is still sad she will not think rationally, I might have to wait for her to fell better to have this talk, I am really confused and scared to be frank

Might be a good idea to let things cool down for a couple of days -Im not saying nc but if you re going round in circles any further discussion about these matters may be pointless until some of the dust settles.

I see, I am just scared, don't know what to take from this, this would not have happened if I were with her , it is the distance that is causing this it is killing me

Have you got friends where you are that you can talk to? It's a tough call and I wish there were magic wands but there aren't any I'm afraid.

I know a couple people here but that's about it. Am I being to selfish or she is not being fair and understanding ?

I don't think you re being selfish,its work keeping you where you are,but I can understand her feeling disappointed in your not being able to visit,which is why I said previously is it at all possible to make a new plan for a visit and set it in stone this time?

Yes that would be the ideal situation, but I don't know when it can be done... that is the main issue

Could you talk to your employers and explain something about the situation to them?

Work with the family so it is even worst... you would think that that would have helped things but it makes them worst... its like I am trying to reach the surface to breath but can't get there, as soon I get close something else pulls me back down . It is starting to get to me

So your family won't give you leave-or rather keep promising you time off then pull back? That's odd.
I understand you re feeling stressed out but is this ref to what I just wrote about your bosses a job you have to be in?

Yes, what happened is the first time there were a few days holiday and we had requested time off but that didn't work. The second time we had a few days again and some meetings came up and we could not go. Now I want to give her dates but I don't want to just say something and not accomplish, that would be too much.

I am feeling this way because where I stand I was told I might be going to possibly see her but I never know now and until I can confirm which will be a week or a few days before I actually travel, I have nothing.

To makes things a bit better I tried sending her a gift today which she should be expecting showing her that I care and want to be with her...

That's a good idea I hope she likes it.
Take care and try to have a nice day.

Thanks amicon talk to you soon


Really feeling down about this... want to know it will be okay and that she is just sad and not anything else. I hope it is her emotions and current state talking, and that she is not doubting the possibility of this working out

It has been a living nightmare today my insecurities surfacing... hate this

6 months and going strong with the long distance, we have had ups and down but it going forward.. owsh me luck

Goodluck with your long distance relation. I failed mine... but maybe you two are luckier :) keep her entertained, communicate and remind her from time to time that 1 and 1/2 year is not that long

I know you can't always get away from your job to make your visits with her, but can't you pay for her to come visit you occasionally? LDR's at really hard emotional times and you need to see each other at least 3-4 times a year.

Right I already this visit in December and I hoping to get a break in a few months time, hopefully it will be good. She tells me she gets lonely, I understand that completely and hope it just her reaction and not a sign things are going to the worst

Stay strong and keep up all levels of communication.
And try not to worry too much!

Right, I need to be strong in order not to be needy... Love makes you do crazy things. I get paranoid knowing I am working in a foreign country and don't have much of a social life and she is still finishing college and has one.

If you trust her that shouldn't be a problem.
What can you do to broaden your circle of friends where you are?

That's a good question... work all day I don't know where to start

Start at work then, or join a gym and make friends their. What country are you working in?

It sounds like other than work, you're not very occupied, so you have a lot of time to think about how much you miss you. What you need to do is get busy.

Check out the two links that Tal provided in response #3. It gives great insight on how you should each build your own lives, as opposed to being dependent on one another.

OK guys things took a turn for the worst... we spoke yesterday and have been having the same talk about what we wanted in life. We both want the same things, but she wants them before. She finishes school in a year and half and I will be back by then. She wants to get married then and I told her that we don't have enough financial stability right now but I want these things with her. On top of this we have the whole religion issue where she tells me that she wants to be with me and that she appreciates all the things I want to do but its to hard ans he cannot lie to god

I told her that I wanted a family with her, but in good time. She wants to get married early and young ( mind you when she graduates she will be 23, she still has plenty of time). I told her I am back in 1.5 years and then we are living together and then 1.5 more and we get start this process. She says that she wanted to do these things before but now that the religion issue is there she can't do it. She is muslim and I am christian, I told her that I would on paper have all the formalities like she wants them and that I will support her in all the traditions that she has (because living in an arab country and growing up in one, I know them inside out). She says that that is great but she knows that its wrong. Its wrong in the eyes of god, and she cant

She tells me she is so lonely and sad and tells me that all she wants is to be with me right there right now but sad because I can't and won't be, which makes things even worst in my head, I keep thinking of her being with someone else and can't see it. We were seriously perfect ofr each other and everyone said so, and its only the reiligon that made this all happen. What shoould I do? We love each other and its hard not to communicate when you are in love. Being far aways makes it even worst because you can't even see them

When's your next leave?

April or end of march

So you need to keep your mind busy and not paint any worst case scenarios or you won't have much of a life till then.
I assume you love,trust and miss each other-then trust in that things will be fine,rather than worry your head off. :-)

Yeah I need to stay away for a few days and not get needy. She spoke to today and told me love me and what's to work things out, so I need to do something anything to make it work... god

Could she fly out for a minibreak?

Right now she is saying that she can't do this anynmore, she loves me but she cannot see how we will move passed the religion issues, I tell her not to think like that and we need to fight this problem together but she keeps saying that she thought and she cannot see how it will happen. I want her to be with me and she wants me to be with her, but she just can't seem to be thinking positive. Every time I tell why do you think that or think like this and she says, because it's the reality of things. What to do ? Everyday she contacts and tell me she is sad, I tell don't think like that I love and I want nothing more than to be with you, she tells me so do I but I cant, and I keep trying to convince her that we can, or at least let us explore all options.

Why is she being so stubborn and closing her mind on this, she saiys she is so sad, I always try and reassure her but I don't know if that the good idea, I tell her I love her and want nothing more than be with her and you need to give me time to figure out if I can think of the possibility of for example changing religions, (religion is not important for me but it represents my families background so that's something to consider)

Are there other indications that she wants to break up and could she be using the different religions as an excuse?

I do not believe so. Granted the long distance is there but that was never an issue. We both knew what was ahead of us and what time we were going to be apart. I think now that she is looking at the future, she doesn't see it happening if one side doesn't sacrifice for the other (me doing the sacrifice, in addition I think her family has messed with her head saying that it would be wrong to marry him if he is not muslim and ll)

And all this did is put some tensions far away from each other, while putting me under pressure and trying to figure out if it is something I can do or not.
When we were talking she told me, This is all her fault that it came to this, I should have thought before and never have loved a non-muslim. I want you to forgive me for putting you through this, because I didn't know it would be this hard for you.
I told her its hard because I can't and don't want to give on the best things that has happened to me. She keeps saying that she wants this but cant, that s all I hear

And would you be truly happy with converting?

That's what I need to find out by reading everything and making a decision on this matter. I think that she needs to be supportive of me and not do this this way, by putting pressure

Well,in a strong equal relationship supporting each other should come naturally.

You shouldn't feel forced into making any decisions.
You have rights too,you know.

So what should I do?

I think you need to have a serious discussion with her-is she committed to a future together or is she opting out?

We have had serious discussion, she says she doesn't know how it can work, how she ll be able to marry me and have kids with me. I keep telling to wait a little but she says she needs to know now. I think she is just being scared and lonely and doesn't have anyone she can talk to.

Then you should make a decision,and stick to it.
You've got another 18 months or so away?and how much longer do you want to live with the confusion and the uncertainties?

Exactly which is why I told her let us stay strong and try and resolve things together. If we cannot find a solution, then we loved each other and will always remember it but it wasn't meant to be

I really hope it works out for you-and I wish you all the best-stay strong and focused.

What do you think of the way I am trying to handle things? I keep worrying about what would happen if we cannot find a solution how she will be with someone else and what they will be doing and it just drives me even crazier... or that she will be with someone quickly in order to get over me in her heart, the thoughts will probably stay... thats so bad

That's what I mean by the two of you having to reach some agreement on where this is going.
You seem to be in limbo not knowing whether you're coming or going.

Yes. We spoke and she said she is still with me and she will stand and support me as I will her and figure if we can't work it out. I think once we decide we will know for sure. All couples have that one moment when things become extremely serious or make it or break it, and this is it. Right

Right! You know real love gets through all the obstacles. Good night from England. :-)

The fears of losing someone are settling in, I am starting to question everything about me in front of her, do I stand up to her or is she better than me, I guess paranoia is setting.
Need a confidence boost


And want to see her, this is even worst because of long distance

Then take a few days leave and go see her-never mind what your relatives?/employers say.

REally can't otherwise I woulve. I have to wait until end of march
I told her that we would reach a final decision than, but still can't help but feel she already started the process of being apart. When I told her this, she was like yes great I will wait if it works out, and you accept the only thing that I want (religion) than I will be yours forever, but I still feel this time will not help and the decision will still be the same.
I agree with her maybe it won't change and we won't be able to reach an understanding, but At least let us be optimistic or hopeful , and not go our separte ways just yet
Is this clear when I tell her or no ?

I guess so-in the meantime,work on staying strong and optimistic.

Yes I need to. Why am I starting to look at every small detail now of our relationship, for instance right now I was thinking, hmm I wonder how many times she spent the night during the first weeks after I started seeing her, completely absurd stuff

It s has been a while since my last post, my apologies. I am at a point now where my relationship is good, but one thing is bothering me. This friend of hers. I was normal about everything until I saw that he would be very involved and was always truing to do something with her on the weekends. Needless to say what upset me was two things, one they went to have brunch just the two of them where he paid, at this point I told her I thought it was a little too much and that she shouldn't maybe lead him on if their was something. She responded by saying that he was just being nice, and that he knows that she is all alone since I am not here so he just wants to take care of her. Well we had this conversation because I wanted to tell her how I felt.
The other thing that happened was weirder, they went to the mall together and she was about to buy some clothese when he said let me pay , to which she ddint disagree. When she told me this on the phone I didn't react on it but just asked her why did you let him pay and she told me he just insisted a lot. I thought that was extremely weird and I am surprised she doesn't see this. Again she always tell me he is just being nice, but I feel "that nice" is trying to show maybe more interest.
Our relationship is good and we do love each and we always remind each other about out goals and all... but what should I think of this ?

Well,I think it's weird too.
My guy friends will sometimes treat me to a meal but I would never expect them to buy me clothes.
That's too personal a thing to be doing.

I shouldn't read too much into it, and I do not want to bring back this conversation of why he is doing this and that. It was a little weird, the first time I had a talk because it botherd me she said there is nothing there and that I should never worry, so I told her OK.
The other thing that bothered me was that they have been friedns for just 3-4 months really so that one another thing...


Btw Amicon I am returning sooner than next year so that is great news :), Instead of a year and a half it is just 6 months

As I follow this thread, it occurs to me that you have bigger things to worry about, than a guy hunting your lady, especially since your not there. Don't let the distance cloud your judgments, or get carried away by your feelings, and though it sounds weird, a guy buying her clothes, the main thing is to trust her. But if you cannot, then what's the point of staying with her?

Your main goal it seems is your decision to convert to her religion, to please her and get her to stay with you. That's what you should be focused on, as that's her wish.

That's a biggie guy, and until you have made that decision, any Muslim man will see her as fair game for whatever. Conversion makes things easier for her, but only you can decide what it will mean to your life. That's the issue to stay focused on, because she has made that the defining issue for your future.

I have to be honest as that for me is a deal breaker, as I could never put dogma, and tradition, over whether, me and a partner could be together.

But I do understand your dilemma as its either convert, or lose her. That's a bit one sided for me, even though Muslims, and Christians, are but branches of the same tree.

At least that's what my own research has pointed to. Do your own homework, and learn, so your decision can be an informed one, and conversations between you should be about what her religion means to her, and the expectations she has for you.

I would be a lot more concerned with the gap between the two of you, than the bond between her, and her new friend, no matter his intentions.

I have not mentionned this Tal but I actually have been reading and talking to people abou that issue, and I have decided that like you said they are branches of the same tree, and this is not an issue any more. My mind is made up that I can accept her religion and that main problem is no more.
With thtat said any other advice

Trust her to handle her business in a respectful way until you get home.

SOo that's means not asking her what she did this and that, OK thanks a lot Tal, you have helped me a lot and I appreciate everything, I hope this will be the one :)

I would never be worried about competition, or where the relationship was headed, just enjoy talking to my sweetie without drama or fanfare. Keeping up with her life, and sharing the moment.

If you trust her, then let her live her life and spend time with whoever she wants.

If you're feeling insecure about who she hangs out with, then you don't trust her as much as you think you do.

If the relationship is going well, then why create problems when there are none? At least she's being honest with you and letting you know what she's been up to.

Communication is the best policy here, sms, mms, instant messaging, phoning, chatting... Thats all you can do, try to visit sometime during the year,don't go for the whole two years without at least vissiting once or twice a year.. Good luck buddy, I think you need it.

Girlfriend is having her weak moment right now, she is very stresed out and she is just being unreasonable. She tells me she is getting tired and wants just to be with me. I tell her that time will pass and we have to be positive and optimistic.
What more can I do? I tell her that there is light at the end of the tunnel since I will be back there at some point

If you can overcome these tough times, it will make your relationship stronger.

Keep a positive attitude. Keep your head up and continue to say supportive things.

It's not only about saying new things. So no need to do any out of the box thinking. It's about reassuring her that you're still very committed to the relationship. Repetition can be just as effective.

Are you going home on leave this month?
We all have our weak moments.
Hopefully this will pass.

LD is almost impossible, unless you have a REALLY, I mean REALLY solid foundation to begin with.

2 years is a long time.

The question here is if commitment is even an option, and if so, how?

Lots of plane tickets, sad goodbyes & missing. Believe me I know.

Not ideal. In fact, kind silly. LOTS of work, heartache & anxiety.

Maybe that's what you're into.

You got to be frank & weigh it out.

Its not a comfortable thing.

Right, I have to keep showing her that it will all right. It is just really hard to be okay when she acts this way, she tells me that she keeps telling me you know that I am someone that needs attention. I always always tell her that I give you that attention and that granted I am not there but I do all that I can, send her gifts, call her, bbm, you name I do it from here.

At the end of this We have a fix date as to when this will end, and I tell her that when we do get back together in the same city, it will only lead to engagement and marriage. She gets happy and she is like yes but I want you to be here with me now, and again I tell I will be soon, just be strong and patient.

I also tell that she has to look at the end goal and not on the moment. That I will give her all that she wants and needs, but in due time.


It really makes me suffer when she doesn't realize the life she has right now compare to my current situation. And yet she is the one telling me I feel alone, tired

Threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Hello all,
Well I have been in a long distance relationship for 10 months now and before that I was with her living together for a year.
Well to cut to the chase last time I visited was end of November , and I am suppose to go there soon again. Yesterday I told her that I might have to postpone my trip for 2 and half weeks due to work conflict and she got mad, and was all frustrated. I tried to cheer her up by saying that hey it works out because I will be there for your birthday and all but she was really sad and frustrated. She even started complaining that she is tired of this and all...
I really got nervous because she is the love of my life and what to try and calm her down, and make her see that 2 weeks is not a big deal. Granted I know this has been a while but we know that we are not going to stay in a long distance situation for ever
What shoud I do?

All you can do is talk to her about reality.

She's disappointed. Let her talk about it without it being something you need to defend.

Clearly, she is struggling with the distance... if you cannot talk about it, you cannot solve any problems tied to this. Even if you talk it out, there's no guarantee it'll get fixed.

But one thing is clear... ignoring that she is frustrated isn't going to make it go away and giving her a chance to vent and feel she can safely express her struggle is probably the only way you can know "what should i do"...

I see, well I tried to tell her that hey look at the cup half full not half empty, I will be there two weeks later more or less and I will be able to stay a little more. On top of that lets keep doing what we do and communicate daily, and I kept expressing my feelings to her and all

Well... it could be just a bad day or it could be more... when someone says "im tired of this"... its personally alarming.

Doesn't mean the world is falling down, but id not ignore it unless she talks like this commonly.

Flowers or a note or something to lift her spirits a little?

Talking from your side, its easier to say "hey, glass half full, right?"... from her side, she has less control and, again, seems to be feelings disappointed and maybe lonely.

How is her social network? Friends? Coworkers she gets along with? Family near?

Her family is not near, but she has a nice group of friends around her, but all she says is I don't care I just want you to be here, and I keep telling her that I will be there soon, and one day after that forever.
I am guessing she acted this way yesterday because she got frustrated, because we spoke on skype and on the phone since that moment, but I do not know if I should bring it up again or what

Like I said, I think avoiding an issue like this just lets it fester... I think if you have a future together, you need to be able to talk through these kind of things... even when you are together, there will be issues like this that might be tough to talk about...

So...

Is there any concrete timeline or plan? How long are you likely to be apart?

Yes there is concrete time line, have to keep this up for another year to be together.
But in the meantime we plan on visits like this one, and communicate all the time, everyday.
I am optimistic because we have already cleared a lot of issues and can see how this can work and will work when we are reunited again

Well... like I said, I just don't like being left to wonder. Been burned when I just ignored warning signs.

Id give her an opening to express frustration. If you have your visit timeline really nailed down, can you make solid plans? Dinner reservation? Tickets to a show? What did you think about doing for her birthday?

That anticipation... with some planning involved... might hold her over some.

And id still be inclined to send spring flowers or a kind note or something...

k. I'm out for the time being. Others will chime in with their 2 cents over the next couple days I'm sure...

I did send a box of chocolate which should be expected any day now

Hello All,
I could really use some input on this.

Let me first bring you up to speed. I have been with this girl for close two 2 years now.One was with her and another was away from her.
Everything was good until a few weeks ago when I visited her, where we fought a lot. We fought because I was not being myself because my parents despite not having any issues with her, do not really approve of her. She found out about this and she was really heartbroken. I was so upset with that as well and it made me act distant, I was constantly thinking about it and how to fix things.
So when I left and came back in my town, things were okay until she said that she doesn't know how things were going to work and we should take some time to think. She wanted a break but a few later we started talking again. At that point I saw that superficial things like hiding her Facebook status (in a relationship) were done and that hurt. I asked her about this and why you are doing this and she just is down and depressed. She tells me I don't know how the same person that I love can make me feel so good and so bad at the same time.
She then tells me that I need to come and be next her, that way it will be easier to fix things, together. I told her that we only have to go through this one more year and things will be great, that despite the issues we can work them out.
At this point she tells me she doesn't want to do this anymore, she says she doesn't know how she feels anymore, she is confused, about her feeling about it all.
A few days later she tells me I want to come and see you, I want to be with you.
That is followed by a few days later that I don't know if I should come because I can't see myself with you on the long run. It is one good day then one bad day
After this one more time I talk to her and calm her down telling her that I am always by your side and that my parents will accept you just give it time. We love each other and you are acting this because you are scared, and that is clouding your judgment. I told her not to throw all that my parents have done on me.
Then I ask her what can you say things like baby , I love you etc... And she responds by saying because I don't know right now, I am lost, all of this is so much to take.

After all this in the last two days we had a great two hour talk on webcam. At the end of it she was smiling and I thought it was great, she said love you and baby and everything. The next day I talk to her and I tell her I'm glad we had a good talk and she like yea h but nothing was resolved. Than I tell her what you can't be serious after all this and you answer me this way and she says stop pushing me etc etc.
So this morning she writes to me its working, I feel better, but I still don't want you to call, I feel better and calmer when you are not pushing me. Then I am like sure, and are you okay (it was 5 am) she like I can't sleep I need help, I don't respond, and then she like you are not going to console me ? I then respond and tell her calm down you are just sad etc good night sweet dreams

I am lost she come and goes and this is what happening on a weekly basis. She is suppose to come see me hopefully in 2 weeks and this has will be discussed and has not be resolved. I was wondering what you guys thought of this ?
Thanks


Sorry for the length guys

Hi, Ive read through your post and one thing that seems to jump out at me is that your g/f is not ready or wanting to be in a full on relationship, I think she's wanting to maybe experience more life or similar, I really feel that she not wanting to be committed to any one person.

I would say she's trying to let you know this but isn't quite sure how to do so, which is why she seems to be blowing hot and cold.

Perhaps you should go NC.

Or at least consider it.

The strain of maintaining the LDR is showing, and that is normal. Every now and then you will have to reassure each other that the commitment is still intact.

You have to realize that she may be worried your parents are working behind your back because I doubt they accept you changing religions, AND the traditions that come with them. So of course they are not completely sold on her as your future mate, but time and happiness will take care of that.

But all these things factor into this feelings that get her down, and you too.

Its very hard but you have come a long way already, and you have to stay resolved and keep reassuring one another, even if issues are not immediately resolved. The point is you keep working on them until they are resolved. Try not to push though, or push back to hard, and just keep the ball rolling.

How much longer before you can be together in person?

Between visit we will have to endure this for 10 more months

She comes and goes because you let her.

Who wouldn't?

If I had a girl I could turn to on a whim, when I felt bad, and either get the attention I needed or at least vent some frustration at, knowing shed still be there, well... why not?

I'm not saying she's evil.

I do believe, as others have stated, she is just not all in... in fact, she's more out than in... she just likes the comfort of knowing you are there.

That isn't evil, necessarily. Its human. Mortal. Mean? A little. Maybe.

But you CANNOT validate your actions based on hers.

Which means I don't care if she strips down and shakes 'em in front of you and then runs away. Well, yeah. I care. Take pics. After that, you need to stop saying "she does this and she does that" and start with you.

So... I know it is confusing that she's back and forth. You need to stop asking why she's back and forth and just accept she isn't firmly interested. Not enough. And if she is interested, its more for the comfort of the known than that this is right.

Trust me. I've been on both sides of that game. Its easy to be caught up where you both are.

I hope you are able to just step back and walk. It just isn't enough that a love shows interest sometimes, when its convenient or when they are compelled. Good for them maybe, but not you.

Whatever the reason, she is not all in. that's all you need to know.

Dear All,

Need advice.

My girlfriend and I who have been together for 2 years 1 together 1 long distance visited me last week and it was great. The problem between us is due to my parents who cannot accept her and despite me stating my side with her she doesn't seem to think I am doing much progress with them.
Yesterday we had that dreadful talk over the phone, we can't do this anymore she can't wait if she doesn't know we can be together.
I was devastated and all as we both want this but it might not be possible. What hurts even more is that despite not being a bad break up, she did things that hurt immediately after. Removed all fb pics, changed pic etcccc
To be honest that hurt the most, because as if she wants to erase something

Appreciate the wise feedback you guys can give me

Life is unfair, We love each other but can't be together

How old are the two of you, and what do your parents object to?

25.. Religion is the main issue and concern.
I cannot imagine how two people who love each other can't be together because of other factors such as the one mentioned above
I appreciate all the words of advice and past experience to help me overcome this pain

Any input guys

If this is not something you're willing to work around, then you can't blame her for wanting to move on. I am no expert in religion issues, but what do you expect her to do? After being with you for two years and seeing no progress in your relationship, she lost all the hope and you can't ask her to wait indefinitely. Either you work it out with your parents, or let her go no matter how much it hurts. She is doing all the right things by erasing you from her life (taking down pictures etc.) - that's NC and that's what any sensible person should do. She is freeing a space in her life and in her heart for someone new who would give her what you could not.
Good luck.

Religion is a hard hurdle to cross. It is a part of who she is, her customs. She is just removing herself from a hopeless situation and has gone complete no contact.
Respect her decision and leave her alone.
Sometimes love is not enough.

She is doing exactly what she needs to do to move on and get beyond the break up. Sorry for your loss, but when the emotional dust settles, you will be able to heal, and you have been here long enough on this forum to know to leave her alone and rebuild your life.

Sorry for your loss. It will get better.

Right, I understand exactly what you guys are saying and completely agree. I guess part of me is still sadden by the fact that we broke up not because we didn't feel"in love anymore" but more because we had to. I had spent countless days arguing with my parents (who were the reason of the break up because they drove us and especially her mad) hoping to catch a break but I guess all that fighting got a toll on her.
IThe only thing that bothers me in all this is just the fact that she tells me or told me that I am not trying hard enough or didn't try hard enough to argue with my parents, which I think is completely ridiculous as I really tried.


It is just a different kind of break up that I did not experience, as we both have strong feeling for one another and did not want to part ways

Sometimes love is not enough and you just get tired of the way things are.
She for whatever reason decided to walk away.
Don't dwell on it, move on.

Interesting turn of event. So out of nowhere yesterday she start writing to me saying stuff like I saw picture of you over the weekend and how you were having fun. I saw how you behave after not talking ot me for a few days and I just want to say I hate you and you and your family can go to hell.

I answered back saying what you might to look sad in the pic and behave like that. You cannot say these things because this is what you wanted, I still pushed for us to be together but you said that these issues were too much for you to take. So I am not going to sit around and dwell, I need to distract myself.
She then started saying stuff just to hurt me, saying stuff like this was such a bad relationship, and I just realized that I was blind, I was not happy but blinded by love, and you and your family don't deserve me, not one bit. This really hurt me and made me feel miserable, I was just so disappointed she stooped to this level, and said these things that really hurt me, extremely bad.
At this point my phone died and she sends me a message you don't even say bye, wow that something but good, and she follows by saying something that I told her I did but she tried to prove that I didn't.
When I saw this today I responded telling her this is all bs. I told you what I did and I mean it. All I wanted was us but you had enough of my family, and that fine but do not say wrongful stuff like that.

I honestly am so upset right now that she did this, I can't believe it

Dude, I had a similar story, except in my case, the girl was in Dubai working, and I was trying to move there. The relationship suddenly collapsed. Anyway, your ex-girl seems to be immature, and what you are experiencing is her way of expressing her anger. Don't allow yourself to be hurt, or influenced by this recent rant and raving. It takes women a few weeks to calm down, and sort out their emotions.

Dude it is insane. I told her you are being immature and you said things to me that hurt. She responds by saying you said some hurtful stuff to, and I was like like what ? She responded by calling me immature
I was like are you kidding me

You ready for NC, and healing yet?? Or do you need more venting and ranting??

You sure don't need any more talking to her, that's for sure.

I know right, def need to get far away from her . Just the immaturity in how she acted in front of me killed me yesterday

Disappear from her life. You have a lot of healing, and moving on to do, and being stuck in the past is not healthy.

Why are you still talking to her? It's over! It's only detrimental to keep doing so. It is obvious that you still are talking. You have to stop responding just like she's doing. You say that you don't care and that she turned you off but yet seem affected by her reaction. You should not be upset it... Don't let it get to you... Stop talking to her

You need to stop dwelling on this, it's done. Move on.

Yup have stop contacting her even when she wrote to me today.
It just sucked that she reacted this to a break up initiated by her.


Thanks guys

We wish you well.

No good comes from beating a dead horse, just a waste of time and energy.

Life hands us lemons sometimes
When we expected apples.

Live and learn.

Sometime beating a dead horse is more fruitful than beating a dead relationship. At least you take your anger out on a "dead" horse.

I read this thread, can't believe she doesn't see what you did all this time

Lol thanks for your support bepositive1... It has mesmerized me as well

Guys I need a boost on self confidence. Have been NC almost a week, Today out of nowhere she write to me ans she says I hate you once more, I'm glad I am not with you and I hate everything about you and I wasted years absolutely

She sure knows which buttons to push to stir up your emotions doesn't she? No problem, throw the letter away, and have a good day, by treating yourself well, because now you have learned about the thin line between love and hate.

So what if she is mad? Make sure your NOT, why should you be? Her mood is her problem, so don't make it yours, and give in to provocative, impulsive actions.

Tempting I admit, but utterly a waste of time. Maybe she will get the hint and stop trying to provoke you.

It's a power play at most, or a rant at best, so focus on the good day you will have (and she won't!).

The NC is doing its work. She is seeing that she is not getting any attention from you, and is now frustrated. I agree with Tala, there is a very thin line between love and hate, and having observed this should encourage you to stick to the no contact. Don't let her pull you back in the discussion, and arguments.

I kept doing that and through out the day as I didn't respond to her she kept pushing more and more. She knew that I felt insecure about how I looked because I would tell her and she used that beautifully to hurt me even more. The stuff she said was utterly childish and just out of pure motive to hurt. Things like I never should have gone out with you, when we first started going out they looked at us and were like what is she doing with her, they would laugh at our pics because they saw how you looked and they thought you were hideous, ugly. Most of my friends thought that of you and I shouldve listened.
That really stung guys

Did you converse w/her?

Can't you see that any words from her are going to be hurtful.

Especially now.

She wants to come out smelling like roses & put you down for her insecurities.

Like lifeistough said. (if you are committed to it)
NC does its work. They expect the opposite. For you to come crying back.

NC is all about you being in charge now. When I say that, I mean ignoring her. Spending time on YOU not HER.

When I was struggling really bad, chuff (bless his heart) said. (and I will NEVER, EVER forget this):

The opposite of love isn't hate. Its indifference.

That's empowerment over any and all future BS.

You disappear, go missing. Oh, well...
She can make up her own story. Who cares.

You won't ever again let her decide who you are.

I kept doing that and through out the day as i didnt respond to her she kept pushing more and more. She knew that i felt insecure about how i looked because i would tell her and she used that beautifully to hurt me even more. The stuff she said was utterly childish and just out of pure motive to hurt. Things like I never should have gone out with you, when we first started going out they looked at us and were like what is she doing with her, they would laugh at our pics because they saw how you looked and they thought you were hideous, ugly. Most of my friends thought that of you and I shouldve listened.
that really stung guys

Those are the words of a seriously insecure girl who is clawing for unsustainable ego boosting by tearing you down.

Yep. It hurt. So let it hurt. And let that p!ss you off and see her real self.

Its one thing to hope your ex wants you and wishes for you. Natural.

It is quite another to talk the way she has talked about you. I've dated a couple of women who were maybe "out of my league"... they never talked to me in this manner, not even in the crash and burn breakups, and if they had, itd surely solidify my resolve to not spend one more minute of attention on them.

A truly grounded person would not need to lash out like she did. Shed just put the past to the past and move on. Instead, she needs an audience to abuse.

Ick.

She is just mean. Its not more complicated than that. Sorry you are hurting. Hope you are able to take in her words, let them spill around for a while, and to channel the hurt and anger into just walking away from a train wreck.

Yup, its all about how we channel things. Embrace all of it.

Then our next move. That's how we become closer to becoming aware.

Let me put it this way, if you anyone else pulled that crap, anyone, you would say screw you. Not worth my time or effort.

You guys are right, and I know this. I just can't stand the pain she did to me, trying to hurt me when I know that all she said is lies and I tried to question her words by saying, who would say such a thing, I wouldve heard something before. This real made it worst for me in the sense of anger and pain

That pain is just in your head, thoughts.

Your brain is signaling. Entering all sorts off stuff. Translating it to more pain. Or whatever you allow.
Its up to you know to control it.

Dude, I dwelled on this one thing that my ex did before she dumped me for a long time. Still enters my head when I let it.

Now. I kind of laugh. Shrug it off. How deceitful it was.
Takes time.

You will get there.

You think that person is decent and that things you shared will remain good and not resort or come to this. The fact of using someone's insecurities to satisfy ones anger is shameful.
The pain is in my head, but what I am feeling is disgust, pure utter disgust. That someone would sink as low as to try and say anything to hurt

So use that disgust my man, Im disgusted too, by your ex.

Vent away.

After you let it, the dust will settle & you can look at this all in a different light.

The key is to enjoy yourself (even if you force yourself) & not dwell too hard.

Those things you neglected for her and others.

Don't neglect any fun opportunities in the process.

Get out. Start learning how to live w/o her. Remember, before?

How insecure are you?! Please stop this. This is getting ridiculous delete her off Facebook of another social network and end your means of communication. This is getting repetitive. Oerson's words should have absolutely no effect on you. Do us all a favor and stop talking to her. I'm sorry Im being rude and upfront but sometimes one needs to be confronted and that is exactly what I am doing. Stop saying that we are right without taking action. Do something, it's all in your hands, you're not handling it right. Get away from her!

Andy made a good post. Speaks to the irish serb temper in me.

Yes... I'm trying to spin a little on the understanding side... but at some point you do have to own the fact that you hurt not because she says mean things, but because you let yourself care about what she thinks of you.

I've lost three Big Loves in my life. The best day after I left? The day I listened to myself, stopped listening to the girl... stopped caring what she thought and wanted... stopped caring if she was missing me or not... et cetera.

So... andy speaks to my p!ssed off mode... where you finally get that you don't have to feel like crap because you don't have to care about what she says or thinks. Its fine you've had time invest and it might have meant something.

But now... right now... she is not interested in you. She's interested in herself.

Get mad. Angry. Frustrated. Sick. And then get tired of being mad and frustrated and angry. It gets boring. Fast. So... what she just said about you? Take it and instead of asking why she would hurt you like that ask who the hell wants to live with that? Spend another minute worry about that?

Expect it to hurt. To have up days and down days. But start to use the absurd thing your ex might say to keep cutting those ties.

In the end, you getting over her is all about you, not her. Don't feel like crap cause its hurting and not easy. But... you need first to stop wanting her, which starts with you seeing her for who she is... not who you think she was or could be... and then you finding your own footing. Sooner than later.

Takes time to stop wanting what you don't have and probably don't really want when you honestly look at how you are treated.

So... if you'd tell a buddy to tell her to P!ss off if he was being berated by her, well... why isn't that good enough for you.

At some point... if you keep caring and keep wondering and keep asking why... well, its because you choose to care for her. Rewire yourself. Walk. Leave. Done.