I have just chucked out my husband!! Have I done the right thing?

We have from the start had trust issues after he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship but at that point we decided to give it go... years on I have always had my doubts as to his faithfullness... we broke up for approx 6 weeks in the middle of last year but during this time he begged me to give it another go and declared his undying love etc (this break up was not down to trust in being faithful but to do with other lies) anyway we gave it another go, I have continuously had doubts but put them aside as I new nothing for sure... he stupidly let his guard down and I read a text conversation where he was talking ot a lady he slept with (he says during the time we had broken up) and has got pregnant! (again says baby is not his! )obviously h is not about to admit to all this but my saying no more and time to call it a day... am I wrong?? Should I believe him? He says during this talk with her he is not interested in her or the baby although she obvioulsy desperately wants him still and is very un aware of ME!

Is it just hard right now but is for the best??

My opinion on this matter is that trust is a very important factor in a relationship, if you cannot trust him then how can you truly love each other. I would also like to add that based on what you said your mistrust for this person is not unreasonable. So I would say yes it is for the best.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. Do you still love him?

Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again? Have you tried counseling? Can you accept that your personal unhappiness is your own responsibility?

Does your spouse constantly put you down, attack your self-esteem, and/or criticize you? Do you have any respect for your spouse? Does your spouse respect you?

These are a few questions you might look at. Please let us know how you are doing and keep posting. We are here to help!:)

Hello Jo,

Kitkat pretty much asked all of the questions I had in mind. So I will not ask again. :)


It is hard to say for I do not know this man nor your history with him. I can say this though, I feel very strongly about you and he sitting down and REALLY getting to the root of the problem! Don't argue, just talk. Maybe counseling could help. Sometimes a third party, who is neutral can help out. If you are in love with him, well then you really need to think about it. If not, then what's the point? However, more info would be good from you.

He says during this talk with her he is not interested in her or the baby although she obvioulsy desperately wants him still and is very un aware of ME!!

This is the bit that puzzles me , she is unaware of YOU ???


If that's the case then I think your doing the right thing , if he wasn't interested in HER he would just tell her about YOU.

This is the bit that puzzles me , she is unaware of YOU ???


If thats the case then I think your doing the right thing , if he wasn't interested in HER he would just tell her about YOU.

Have to spread the rep, but that was my first thought.

Not only that, he was clearly keeping this other woman a secret from his spouse as well. I wouldn't trust him.

Counseling, maybe, but at this point I feel like maybe she was in a state of denial about her own feelings, and maybe she DOESN'T love him anymore. In that case, yeah move on.

Wow thank you everyone. I don't really no where to begin. I have always loved him and I don't doubt he loves me but I think ultimately he loves himself more. She was and still is unaware of me and he wouldn't put her straight, he is a natural born liar! We have tried counselling before but it doesn't last long and he opts out. This is not the first time he has cheated on me and I doubt since we got married she's not the only one, she's the only one I caught! I find it odd that I can love him still but not trust him even 1% with my feelings or emotions. I now have no respect for him and after what he has done he has shown me he has none for me and I wonder if he ever did. I am hurting so much that he could do this to me but apart from sorry all he says is we were not together! In her text she was saying she hopes he finds someone to love and someone that will love him! He fooled the poor woman about himself and she still wants him and is having his baby, there is no denial of the baby in his text... just that she's sorry he isn't interested. I told him over and over again it doesn't matter if we had broke up, you were begging me to come home and sleeping with her too and were MARRIED! Hello, does that mean nothing, obviously not to him

I think what he has done is provide the proof in the pudding.

While one side of your brain is being logical and putting the truth together, the other side is saying, is it really true? Am I seeing this right?

You have already taken one big step, and that is booting him out. History is likely to repeat itself in that you will get the song and dance of remorse and reconcilliation, so be prepared to stand firm.

I was going to suggest counselling, but you've already tried that, and in a nutshell said that he loves himself more than he loves you, or loves being married.

I understand what you mean when you say that you find it odd that you can love a man you cannot trust even 1%. But realize that love is just not enough to keep a marriage going. You can love somebody and hate what they do, much like teenagers behaviour, but to choose to live a life with a man who continuously breaks his vows, has no moral compass, and leads a selfish, lying, cheating life, well- what's the point.

Not to mention he has produced a child with another woman that is inconsequential to him. (until he starts paying child support that is... )

Put the love aside, and think long and hard about what your life would be like with him, and then without him. You cannot change him, no matter what you do, or how many promises he makes to be a different man, and a different person.

Had that been possible, it would have happened long before now.

You have hit the nail on the head and see it clearer than me!

Life with him would mean me going mad with suspicion and doubt and I would driv ehim mad with it too. Life without would be hard too, I would miss his good points but I'm now wondering if it was all an act.

He loves being married and being seen within the community as this strong stable happy hard working man so why mess it up!? One of the things I have always asked from him is to not to lie to me and to be faithful and he couldn't even do that...

History has repeated itself and now I'm away from him all kinds of things are beginning to add up for his behaviour and actions and I wonder what was real and what wasn't... because its in his nature to lie I would never know the truth.

Its sad because somewhere inside he is a good man, I pity him and the women he will be with in the future because he won't change!

That's a good point, it is very sad. No doubt he has his good points, and it is a shame that he can't realize when he has a good thing going, and deliberately makes choices that are contrary to what he should be doing.

It doesn't take much really in my opinion to have personal commitments to another, and keep them. It does, and can happen. Why an otherwise good person would choose to take risks and suffer the consequences is a puzzle I'll never figure out.

I agree that he likely won't change, and the plus side of that is you are putting this all together, and your future will be so much happier without him.

This isn't going to be easy for you, and you'll probably go back and forth a million times, but, you'll be okay I promise you.

Many have been where you are now.

I am finding it so hard and what's even sadder is I would put money on it he is already in someone else's bed. I am angry that I let him do this to me and that he could do this to me, I stupidly believed him when he said loved me and wouldn't hurt me :(. I just don't no how he could do it to me and how he has no regret or remorse or morals about what's right or wrong or he does but chooses to ignore them.
I don't no what to do or where to go from here, he will without a doubt try the usual tac of leaving me for a bit then promising the world to come back but I can't for myself do it. This is so hard :(

Jody, you are going to get through this, and on a better path in your life.

Accept that you are going to have some really difficult times getting through this, it can't be avoided. In your worst or weakest moments, keep looking past the pain, to that freedom light at th end of the tunnel.

It is greiving a loss. Anytime somebody significant dies, or a relationship dies, you go through what nature has provided for healing. Accepting it may be the start of your healing, and every stage will make you stronger, as time goes on. Eventually you will be settled with the fact that what you experienced getting over him, is over, and it will be a settled memory for you.

It is sometimes easy to skip parts, and what that also does is skip the learning and changing so you can move on with a clean slate. Sometimes skipping those parts can be dangerous, because it is all too easy to blur the truth, and go running back to what was familiar.

Try getting a diary or notebook, and write in it everyday all the mixed up emotions and feelings that you have. Try to keep it to the same time of day. If you are at work, and it gets overwhelming, just think, I can put this aside for now, I will write it out in my book.

Make a cup of tea, sit down, and write your heart out. Then put it away until the next time you need it. Over time, you will see the progress you have made, and things will become far less emotional, and more factual, mixed with parts of anger, parts of affectionate times, parts of a life with him that is not going to happen.

It's hard work getting past such a tremendous loss. Love is not always an easy emotion to make sense of, and no two breakups result in the same outcomes.

Keep working on it, and trust yourself that you have the strength and fortitude to do it.

Thank you for the advice.

I keep sitting here asking myself the same questions... why and how could he do it to me??

I am a believer in bad things happen to bad people so what did I do to deserve this?

I know I'm right that it doesn't matter if we were separated for a short time due to his lies that it makes it right for him to sleep with someone else... why does he think that makes it OK... its not OK for me!!

Its early days yet but I am struggling with this more than I ever thought I would

And also is that where the lies end... was my whole marriage a complete sham? I dread to think of what else or who else there might be out there...

What is okay, and what is not okay, for you, only you can decide. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone- they are what they are.

Sometimes we 'allow' ourselves to feel good about ourselves,because our significant other says we are deserving. We feel good because they say we should, we are grateful for their company, because we aren't sure we could do any better. Our identity changes because that is how the relationship works.

It is his needs first, his moods, his goals, his meals, his ego, his sexual needs, his needs sometimes define who we are in that relationship, and we lose ourselves.

When the imbalanced relationship and relationship roles come to an end, we are left wondering, who the hell am I? The sense of self, along with confidence, self assurance, and identity has been compromised so much, that there is as much work to be done on ourselves, as there is in getting over the relationship.

It is almost rebuilding yourself from the bottom up. While working so hard to make the relationshp work, your needs were not met, and you lost interests, goals, friends etc. along the way. Maybe not so much for you, but generally speaking, toxic relationships cost us dearly.

This is where time is your friend. It is a scary prospect to define who we are, now outside of the relationship, instead of on the inside.

Eventually you will realize that your needs are not being met, and it is time to focus on you, and what you need and want, and the courage not to settle because you don't think you can do better.

You will never figure out why he is the person he is, and chooses to be. That's his problem, let him deal with it and move on in his own way.

Try to think not so much about why he did these things to you, and more about how this 'opportunity' has presented itself for you to forge a happy life for yourself.

What is okay, and what is not okay, for you, only you can decide. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone- they are what they are.

Sometimes we 'allow' ourselves to feel good about ourselves,because our significant other says we are deserving. We feel good because they say we should, we are grateful for their company, because we aren't sure we could do any better. Our identity changes because that is how the relationship works.

It is his needs first, his moods, his goals, his meals, his ego, his sexual needs, his needs sometimes define who we are in that relationship, and we lose ourselves.

When the imbalanced relationship and relationship roles come to an end, we are left wondering, who the hell am I? The sense of self, along with confidence, self assurance, and identity has been compromised so much, that there is as much work to be done on ourselves, as there is in getting over the relationship.

It is almost rebuilding yourself from the bottom up. While working so hard to make the relationshp work, your needs were not met, and you lost interests, goals, friends etc. along the way. Maybe not so much for you, but generally speaking, toxic relationships cost us dearly.

This is where time is your friend. It is a scary prospect to define who we are, now outside of the relationship, instead of on the inside.

Eventually you will realize that your needs are not being met, and it is time to focus on you, and what you need and want, and the courage not to settle because you don't think you can do better.

You will never figure out why he is the person he is, and chooses to be. That's his problem, let him deal with it and move on in his own way.

Try to think not so much about why he did these things to you, and more about how this 'opportunity' has presented itself for you to forge a happy life for yourself.


Jody.. I'm sorry, I really am! It's horrible when someone you trust
Treats you so badly! Bad things do happen to good people. Don't let this man ruin your trust in everyone. It will take time , but listen to me hating and resenting takes a lot out of you.
.
Let him go. Once trust is gone it can never be truly restored. I think you're feeling some shame on your part as if you did something to warrant his behaviour. YOU DID NOT! You gave him love and made a beautiful home and you didn't break the marriage vows, he did!

I am so sorry but he will not change and you deserve some peace and contentment in your life. Leave and make sure you take him to the cleaners. Clean out half of everything. Or make him leave! You are the one in control. Keep posting. :)

I just don't understand how nad why and keep asking myself the same question again and again... I just can't believe and I don't know how he could do it to me

I don't know what to think anymore about what was real and what wasn't... how many others... how did he think he could get away with it... how can he think that us being on a break makes it OK ish...

Was our marriage real? How much of a fool did he make of me... I feel like he used me for the appearance of a happy marriage and to enjoy all the benefits of a happy marriage and home and to mess around on the side... BUT WHY??

I just dont understand how nad why and keep asking myself the same question again and again.....i just can't beleive and i dont know how he could do it to me

I dont know what to think anymore about what was real and what wasnt......how many others.....how did he think he could get away with it.......how can he think that us being on a break makes it ok ish......

Was our marriage real? how much of a fool did he make of me.....i feel like he used me for the appearance of a happy marriage and to enjoy all the benefits of a happy marriage and home and to mess around on the side....BUT WHY????????????

Sweetie... There's no answer I can give you that will magically take away your pain. I will tell you this.. it isn't anything you did! He's just a cheater. He wants a sweet wife at home who caters to him
And keeps up the façade of the happy couple. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I hope when he cheated he had sense enough to use a condom! There are dangers to you if he didn't. I say listen to your head. There are relationships experts on this forum who can really help you.
Hey we have all been there. My first husband was also a cheater. :(

Oh he never used anythig as he got her pregnant too! Although says he doesn't believe its his and wants nothing to do with it... again what he says doesn't mean it is real... I have no doubt its his and who really knows if he is still seeing her!

I know it'll get easier it just hurts so much and as per the norm he isn't hurting one bit

Oh he never used anythig as he got her pregnant too!! although says he doesnt believe its his and wnats nothing to do with it.....again what he says doesnt mean it is real.....i have no doubt its his and who really knows if he is still seeing her!!

I know it'll get easier it just hurts so much and as per the norm he isnt hurting one bit

Is the baby here! You can always ask, no DEMAND, he get DNA tested.
And the other woman or women, they could care less how a wife feels.
YOU deserve more! I would tell him him if the child is his, he will never be free of the woman. And she will also demand child support, which is the right thing for him to do.

You and that little baby are the ones who are the victims! The baby didn't ask to be brought into this world. Chin up now and we will help you through this. I think your husband is a snake.:mad:

He wouldn't have a DNA and I don't doubt his saying he don't think the baby is his just to try and make this better... somehow!! He will not pay child support either for the child, I know him to well and he won't.

The other woman has no idea about me and he won't put her straight either... I keep having these really good moments when I know I'm free of him and have SO done the right thing then I go to bed and want to cry at the situation and how he could done that to me!!

What really kills me is that I married him for no other reason than loving him, I have stuck by him through all his crap for him to do this to me. It hurts that my marriage is over, my family is torn apart because of him.

Being married meant something to me and so many times he has made me feel awful for various reasons about not being the best wife or house keeper and he does this... dont get me wrong when he says this sort of thing I just laugh as I know I'm worth 10 of him even when we were together but still the cheek of him!!

He wouldnt have a DNA and i dont doubt his saying he dont think the baby is his just to try and make this better....somehow!!! He will not pay child support either for the child, i know him to well and he wont.

The other woman has no idea about me and he wont put her straight either....i keep having these really good moments when i know im free of him and have SO done the right thing then i go to bed and want to cry at the situation and how he could done that to me!!!

I'm not so sure about the child support, but if she demands a DNA test in order to obtain child support a judge could make him him do it.

You need to confront this woman and ask her straight out about what's going on between her and your husband. Take a friend with you and if you have to follow him to find out where she lives do it!

Better to know where your marriage stands than to go on wondering. As for the neighbors, you would probably be surprised at what they know. People have a way of seeing through things. To have some sort of peace in your life you have to try to bring this to a head.:)

This is where it gets complicated, firstly she has no need as he is not denying the baby to her, just to me! The reason the child support is not a problem is that they won't be able to track him down to pay... but mostly I can't contact her... he has the potential to be very violent when pushed and this would oush him, he has already warned about making contact with anyone he knows and letting them know anything or asking anything etc... the more I type the more I know I done the right thing!

I am not worreid about the neighbours or what anyone thinks, I'm upset at how I view us being married as being important and he doesn't... its killing me that he did this to me

Ask yourself questions
Do you love him?
Do you want to be with him?
Can you see him in your future?

ask your self questions
do you love him?
do you want to be with him?
can you see him in your future?

He WARNED you? I don't know what to say! Jodi... don't take this wrong please, if my husband were doing this I would do the exact opposite of what he told me to do.

You deserve to be treated like a good woman instead of a possession. If he ever hits you have his cheating butt thrown in jail.
I am angry for you. Don't put yourself through this. Leave, separate for a while. Why is it happening to you ? Because he's a creep who doesn't realize all he stands to lose.

If you fear him get out! YOU DESERVE BETTER! :mad:

Jody

The unfortunate thing is that you have to go through this cr*p because he is a sleazebag , it's really important to remember that it's him and not you who has ruined this marriage. Sure you were fooled by him , you've been humilated and it does strike a blow.

It's going to be hard for a while , very hard , and he's going to try the same old tricks to try and persuade you back , but you just have to be strong and realise that all the hurt will be worth getting him out of your life in the long run.

We'll all be here for you to talk to and vent , just think of the positives , and that is with time you'll finally be free of this dropkick and will have the freedom to meet someone who's going to treat you with the respect you deserve.

I don't doubt I love him but no its not enough to make a marriage work. He has never hit me but the fear he is more than capable is there, I have always done what I wanted regardless of him telling me to do one thing or another but I no how he will be if I was to contact this woman and really I have to ask myself why would I contact her when I already they slept together, he doesn't deny that, he denies the poor baby to me. For me knowing he slept with someone else while married to me is enough to end it, he knows how I feel about being faithful and couldn't do it, although of course for him we weren't together at the time...

I dont doubt i love him but no its not enough to make a marriage work. He has never hit me but the fear he is more than capable is there, i have always done what i wanted regardless of him telling me to do one thing or another but i no how he will be if i was to contact this woman and really i have to ask myself why would i contact her when i already they slept together, he doesnt deny that, he denies the poor baby to me. For me knowing he slept with someone else while married to me is enough to end it, he knows how i feel about being faithful and couldnt do it, although of course for him we werent together at the time....

Leave for a while! Before you do put itching powder in his underwear. That'll stop his cheating he'll be too busy scratching.:D


http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/signsyourmarriageisover/Signs_Your_Marriage_is_
Over.htm - 19k

I dont doubt i love him but no its not enough to make a marriage work. He has never hit me but the fear he is more than capable is there, i have always done what i wanted regardless of him telling me to do one thing or another but i no how he will be if i was to contact this woman and really i have to ask myself why would i contact her when i already they slept together, he doesnt deny that, he denies the poor baby to me. For me knowing he slept with someone else while married to me is enough to end it, he knows how i feel about being faithful and couldnt do it, although of course for him we werent together at the time....

Married means together no matter what (while married), not for only when you two are happy with each-other. He's a disgusting little man for thinking that it's the same as if you two were dating. I think he changed the definition of Marriage to suit his own needs, and when it's not going good for him, even though you're separated, it doesn't mean over necessarily. He's stupid. I'm just going to be blunt. Right now I'm imagining that crazy-white- rabbit from Monty Python attacking his genitals.. . :rolleyes:

It's pathetic that he can't keep it in his zipper, you kicked him out because of that and you say that you wouldn't be surprised if he were with another woman already?
You're DEFINITELY doing the right thing by making him leave, and I agree with Kat when I say, take his scummy self to the cleaners.

Also, you've always done what he said because you were scared of what he was capable of? That's abuse through intimidation. I'm sure he KNOWS that you get scared, so he uses it to keep himself looking like "Mister Clean" instead of filth.

I say that since you kicked him out, find the woman and talk to her. Don't blame her, because you said yourself that she doesn't know about you, but tell her the situation.

Keep mace on hand in case your husband finds out and threatens you, (if it's legal, pepper spray) That way you can have a better chance of protecting yourself and calling the cops should he get violent.

Good luck.

Married means together no matter what (while married), not for only when you two are happy with each-other. He's a disgusting little man for thinking that it's the same as if you two were dating. I think he changed the definition of Marraige to suit his own needs, and when it's not going good for him, even though you're seperated, it doesn't mean over necessarily. He's stupid. I'm just going to be blunt. Right now I'm imagining that crazy-white- rabbit from Monty Python attacking his genitals. . . :rolleyes:

It's pathetic that he can't keep it in his zipper, you kicked him out because of that and you say that you wouldn't be surprised if he were with another woman already?
You're DEFINITELY doing the right thing by making him leave, and I agree with Kat when I say, take his scummy self to the cleaners.

Also, you've always done what he said because you were scared of what he was capable of? That's abuse through intimidation. I'm sure he KNOWS that you get scared, so he uses it to keep himself looking like "Mister Clean" instead of filth.

I say that since you kicked him out, find the woman and talk to her. Don't blame her, because you said yourself that she doesn't know about you, but tell her the situation.

Keep mace on hand in case your husband finds out and threatens you, (if it's legal, pepper spray) That way you can have a better chance of protecting yourself and calling the cops should he get violent.

good luck.

:)Jodi please keep posting.. We care!

Thank you everyone for your advice and support, it really is helping me :-)

I spoke to him briefly this morning and I got upset... can you believe he had the nerve or arrogance to say he doesn't see why I'm so upset... then to say he doesn't care anyway... all the usual rubbish of your be fine etc and I just said damn right ill be fine.

He really thinks his done nothing wrong as again I got the we weren't together chat... I hate him for hurting me.

OK I hate to suggest this because I am not defending him in anyway. I agree with most if not all of the other posters. I do have to suggest maybe a sex addiction though. I really hate to give him the benefit of the doubt after him doing so much to you, but I just don't know. Heck maybe he is just a weak weak little man that just can't keep it under control.

Sorry you were put through this all, hope things get better for you

Sex addiction, arrogant, selfish, needy, pitiful man... he is all the above... whatever it may be it doesn't excuse us being married, separated or not sleeping with someone else and getting her pregnant!! She isn't the first or last...

You are right. I was merely offering a non-bias suggestion. I know you are probaby totally right in your thoughts of him. But you came here asking if you did the right thing. I think you did, however I know there are possible (if not lame) excuses for idiot acts. I am sorry this happened to you, again, and I just hope you can find some peace of mind soon here. I do not like people who don't learn.
Someone once told me that there are two types of cheaters 1. (me) the guy who cheats once and learns that he will never allow himself to do it again. 2. the guy (or girl on both) that does it repeatedly and never learns. In my opinion, he is a #2. Sorry.

You are right. I was mearly offering a non-bias suggestion. I know you are probaby totally right in your thoughts of him. But you came here asking if you did the right thing. I think you did, however I know there are possible (if not lame) excuses for idiot acts. I am sorry this happened to you, again, and i just hope you can find some peace of mind soon here. I do not like people who don't learn.
Someone once told me that there are two types of cheaters 1. (me) the guy who cheats once and learns that he will never allow himself to do it again. 2. the guy (or girl on both) that does it repeatedly and never learns. In my opinion, he is a #2. Sorry.

Jodi.. How are you doing today? I think it's good you're venting. Did you glance through the article? Sream, cry, throw things and if he calls again don't answer. Let him know what it's like to worry. Go out to dinner with friends or go visit family.

Go visit the woman so you will know what you are dealing with! Tell her what a liar he is. Take mace with you and as one of the post staed, if he gets violent with you spray his eyes full of it. You are going to have to do this for your piece of mind. He's called all the shots so far, now it's
Your turn. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! Fight back legally!

I didn't mean to sound like I was having a go at you Larken, sorry :-)

He is def a number 2 in so many ways in this situation. He has many issues and I think a bit of a con man to add on top

I got up this morning feeling OK, bit down but nothing too much to get me down then he calls (to speak to our child (step child) ) and I get upset! He says he is not bothered if I'm upset or hurt and doesn't see why I should be but then texts me he really wishes I wasn't hurting!!

Its difficlt to explain but there is no way of me seeing or talking to this other woman, I have tried and she isn't responding, I have no doubt he got to her already and she now won't respond! He is very good at that, I am probably some mad woman he doesn't even know as far as she is now concerned! And I have no other way of contacting her

I will look at the link you posted when I finish work and will be starting divorce proceeding as I can

I didnt mean to sound like i was haveing a go at you Larken, sorry :-)

He is def a number 2 in so many ways in this situation. He has many issues and i think a bit of a con man to add on top

I got up this morning feeling ok, bit down but nothing to much to get me down then he calls (to speak to our child (step child) ) and i get upset!! He says he is not bothered if im upset or hurt and doesnt see why i should be but then texts me he really wishes i wasnt hurting!!!

Its difficlt to explain but there is no way of me seeing or talking to this other woman, i have tried and she isnt responding, i have no doubt he got to her already and she now wont respond!! He is very good at that, i am probably some mad woman he doesnt even know as far as she is now concerned! And i have no other way of contacting her

I will look at the link you posted when i finish work and will be starting divorce proceeding as i can

If you go with this are doing it because you are fed up and tired of this?
I hope he realizes what he has done... Keep us posted.

I am doing this because there is no hope for us, as soon as he builds up any trust he messes it up even worse than what it was before, I have had enough of wondering what his up to now and with who... its not a way to live and I can never forgive this most recent thing.

I would like to think he realises what he's done but I doubt and think he won't stop with which ever poor sole he gets with next... he is some one who realises things weeks later and then gets angry and tries to blame others but NEVER learns

I am doing this because there is no hope for us, as soon as he builds up any trust he messes it up even worse than what it was before, i have had enough of wondering what his up to now and with who....its not a way to live and i can never forgive this most recent thing.

I would like to think he realises what he's done but i doubt and think he wont stop with which ever poor sole he gets with next....he is some one who realises things weeks later and then gets angry and tries to blame others but NEVER learns

Good for you! You be sure if he starts getting violent , call the police.
Don't be alone with him when he gets divorce papers. Keep a can of mace and get a Order of Protection against him. We'll see how the "the stud" acts when he's standing before a judge and everyone hears what a louse he is. You Go Girl! :)

I know the type. I hope the devorce goes well for you. And since you have several count of infadelity on your side I suggest making the A## H### pay out the a##. Just a little last tip of advice lol. If he doesn't have a moral problem with what he did, maybe a money problem will get it through his thick skull.

Unfortunately it wouldn't be the first time he has been there, although denied it in court he was charged... and stupid stupid me believed him over her (an ex) I will without a doubt if he turns that way head straight to the police.

Everyday seems hard but I know ill get there and I made the right choice all round... how do you get through the days and nights when you miss having someone's good points... even if he was a complete SH*T... he was a real charmer hence all the various women which just makes me sick to my stomach but how does life move on?

Unfortunately it wouldnt be the first time he has been there, although denied it in court he was charged....and stupid stupid me believed him over her (an ex) i will without a doubt if he turns that way head straight to the police.

Everyday seems hard but i know ill get there and i made the right choice all round.....how do you get through the days and nights when you miss having someones good points....even if he was a complete SH*T....he was a real charmer hence all the various women which just makes me sick to my stomach but how does life move on??

How do you get through the nights... You thank God you got away in time, that you didn't get an STd and you cry a lot. It will be bad for a while but when your love someone and trust is broken you hate them as well.

I would suggest concentrating on how he is going to feel one of these days when the tables are turned. Remember, what goes round comes round. But the surprising thing will be you won't even care. Love blinds
Us to the things we need to see sometimes. When we do finally get hurt enough and realize we've been manipulated and used it hits like a punch in the stomach.

It won't be easy, but I believe you know this is the choice you have to make. Consider everything and then find a great lawyer and then let the hubby lie awake at night wondering where you are, what you're doing.how is he going to pay all that alimony and court cost.

Oh yes and child support . Good luck Jodi! Stay with us.:)

Something that just occurred to me which is really sad, he is nearly a 40 yr old man, now no marriage, a haphazard job with no regular income, 5+ kids out there (that I no of) he doest see (again that I no of but would have loved him to have) what kind of sad life will he lead and where will he end up... a very unhappy man with little spurts of happiness till he gets caught out again... its so sad, I wouldn't wish that life on anyone, even him and I can't believe I'm even thinking about him and feeling bad for him...

Something that just occured to me which is really sad, he is nearly a 40 yr old man, now no marriage, a haphazard job with no regular income, 5+ kids out there (that i no of) he doest see (again that i no of but would have loved him to have) what kind of sad life will he lead and where will he end up.....a very unhappy man with little spurts of happiness till he gets caught out again....its so sad, i wouldnt wish that life on anyone, even him and i can't believe im even thinking about him and feeling bad for him........

Shows you have a good heart and it also shows you are much to good to be treated like garbage. Pray about this. If you believe in God pray as hard as you can. God will walk through this with you, in fact in times like this he carries us. Keep posting. We're all here! Blessings Jodi, I wish I could take some of your pain away. Unfortunately all I can do is give you advice and pray I'm telling you the right thing. :)

This is where I wonder how much of a good person I am because I really want to call or mail him ask what was he thinking, this sounds but this woman isn't even a little bit nice looking and I know a sound like a bi*ch but what was he thinking?? Was she that needy so that's what turned him on? I don't get it and feel insulted that he could with anyone and why someone better looking and younger than me etc... my head is sucha mess and I don't know why I feel the need to tell him this

This is where i wonder how much of a good person i am because i really want to call or mail him ask what was he thinking, this sounds but this woman isnt even a little bit nice looking and i know a sound like a bi*ch but what was he thinking??? Was she that needy so thats what turned him on?? I dont get it and feel insulted that he could with anyone and why someone better looking and younger than me etc.......my head is sucha mess and i dont know why i feel the need to tell him this

He does it to make himself feel like he is Mr. Cool, Mr. "I can still get the woman"
You know what ticks me off about situations like yours? When you start getting over him and start moving on (and you will) you will probably get a divorce and someone will come into your life someday when you are over this jerk. Guess what will happen? He will want you back and you are going to look at him and think; What in the world did I ever see in this man?

You will kick yourself because you put up with it as long as you did. He's
Not doing this because of you, he's doing because he can. Women are out there and he seems to know how to get them. You are probably much more attractive and more classy than his bar room pickups and men like him have to keep telling themselves and proving they still have it. Good riddance to him... :)

Something that just occured to me which is really sad, he is nearly a 40 yr old man, now no marriage, a haphazard job with no regular income, 5+ kids out there (that i no of) he doest see (again that i no of but would have loved him to have) what kind of sad life will he lead and where will he end up.....a very unhappy man with little spurts of happiness till he gets caught out again....its so sad, i wouldnt wish that life on anyone, even him and i can't believe im even thinking about him and feeling bad for him........

I agree with you. It is really sad, and his is pathatic. Having 5 kids, facing another divorce, and will loose a nice wife like you... I wonder what he has in his mind when he sleep with strangers.
It is so sad that some people just do not grow up eough to manage own life ever... Please take care of yourself. I wish your best luck.

I agree with you. It is really sad, and his is pathatic. Having 5 kids, facing another divorce, and will loose a nice wife like you... I wonder what he has in his mind when he sleep with strangers.
It is so sad that some people just do not grow up eough to manage own life ever... Please take care of yourself. I wish your best luck.




Jodi.. I was talking with a friend of mine several years ago on the phone. We were in High School together and still talk nearly every week. She lives in Idaho now. We were having a real laugh fest when her husband yelled at her telling her to get off the d---
Phone and fix his breakfast.

I knew he was a little different than the guys we knew in High School
But until then I didn't know she was being emotionally abused and sometimes that leaves worse scars than physical abuse.

She has changed from an outgoing,friendly woman to a withdrawn person I don't know. I finally just asked what's going on? She said he was just going through a bad time. We had a mutual friend who
Passed away several weeks ago and I called to tell her and she broke down on the phone and started weeping.

I gave her the same advice I'm giving you, don't let this man make you feel ugly or inept at anything. He is sick! He is a manipulator.
I don't know why they go after the slummy women, maybe they like someone who is trashy and believe me when I tell you there are women out there who don't mind if a man is married or not. They see someone who is going to take care of them.

Don't let him tear down your self esteem anymore. He is a low life.
Don't get even, get alimony! Keep posting! Stay Strong! You are stronger than you think! Pick yourself up and believe in you again! He's taken enough and you have given way too much. Dry your tears and put on some makeup, get your nails done and go with friend to dinner. If he doesn't like it tell him to STUFF IT! I mean it it. :)

Thank you guys so much for your support, it means so much and is helping me every day.

In our earlier relationship he used to be an emotional abuser blaming me for everything and I put an end to that after I became quite down and felt 'ME' slipping away... once he could see how strong I was and am he didn't do it anymore but then he plays on different things to get in your head... like us having a baby for one thing... we have tried for years and its just not happening so it makes it even worse for me to sleep with some random and get her pregnant... I am waiting for the comments about not being a real woman from him but I think looking back my body must have been rejecting him as it was not meant to be and I would be tied to him more so than what I am now!!

I don't think he thought of anything but himself laying with all these different women, he just thought this is great and I don't need her and I can get someone to love me... maybe... I don't even know what he was thinking and never really will!

I am lucky to have a few good friends around me who are there and support me

When I think about it and him it makes me feel sick and my stomach goes funny and I have questions running round my head with no answers but in a way I have the answers... he slept with someone else... the end... full stop!

And now I have just had a horrible call from him, he doesn't like how I'm talking to him disrespectfully!! Can you believe it? And how if I can do it over the phone then to do it to his face then... his way of saying he'll go for me if I dare to!

Also that I need to get over this quick and not to talk to him like that...

And now i have just had a horrible call from him, he doesnt like how im talking to him disrespectfully!!!! Can you believe it? And how if i can do it over the phone then to do it to his face then.....his way of saying he'll go for me if i dare to!!

Also that i need to get over this quick and not to talk to him like that.....

Now that ticks me off! Tell him to leave you alone! Tell him to go sleep with the dogs he chose to run with. Chane your number! Tell him if he chooses to call you you will get a restaining order against him! Talk to your police department tell them he is threatening you. Get a can of mace!:(

And now i have just had a horrible call from him, he doesnt like how im talking to him disrespectfully!!!! Can you believe it? And how if i can do it over the phone then to do it to his face then.....his way of saying he'll go for me if i dare to!!

Also that i need to get over this quick and not to talk to him like that.....

It's funny to me that he has the nerve to call you out on "talking to him disrespectfully" when he has done absolutely NOTHING to earn that respect. Furthermore, he has betrayed you. It's not the other way around. What in God's green earth makes him think that he's entitled to ANY respect from you?Especially after he disrespected you for your entire marriage, and even disrespected the marriage itself?

I for one think that you SHOULD tell him that, although not to his face because from the way it sounds he's trying to goad you so that he has an opportunity to hurt you. You stay far away from this man if you don't have protection. If he wants to yell at you and threaten you, then you have every right to hang up on him. You don't have to listen to his BS, so don't. You don't need him lecturing you on respect when he doesn't even know the real definition.
Screw him, he's just a tiny man with a big ego and he deserves what he gets.

You go at this divorce FULL FORCE. Do NOT hold back on what you deserve because you're scared of him, get everything you can and get away.

I want to punch him in the face. :mad:

EDIT: When all is said and done, change your number, and possibly find a new place to stay if it's possible.

comments on this post
Kitkat22 agrees: I'll help you punch him in the face! Good advice ohso

Heee hee :D

[QUOTE=ohsohappy;2291881]It's funny to me that he has the nerve to call you out on "talking to him disrespectfully" when he has done absolutely NOTHING to earn that respect. Furthermore, he has betrayed you. It's not the other way around. What in God's green earth makes him think that he's entitled to ANY respect from you?Especially after he disrespected you for your entire marriage, and even disrespected the marriage itself?

I will tell him exactly that, he has really upset me today as this is in no my fault and if he's expecting me to be all happy and jolly when I speak to him he is really wrong!

He is a sad man and I'm slowing losing those feelings for him already.

Still feeling hurt and sad though!! Wish that would go

It's funny to me that he has the nerve to call you out on "talking to him disrespectfully" when he has done absolutely NOTHING to earn that respect. Furthermore, he has betrayed you. It's not the other way around. What in God's green earth makes him think that he's entitled to ANY respect from you?Especially after he disrespected you for your entire marriage, and even disrespected the marriage itself?

I will tell him exactly that, he has really upset me today as this is in no my fault and if he's expecting me to be all happy and jolly when I speak to him he is really wrong!

He is a sad man and I'm slowing losing those feelings for him already.

Still feeling hurt and sad though!! Wish that would go

I will tell him exactly that, he has really upset me today as this is in no my fault and if he's expecting me to be all happy and jolly when i speak to him he is really wrong!!

He is a sad man and im slowing losing those feelings for him already.

Still feeling hurt and sad though!!! Wish that would go

You know at this rate those feelings will be gone before you know it. The situation hurts more than the loss of the relationship I can tell you that much, and it's more from feeling ashamed that you even picked a man that would do this to you than it is from actually losing him.

He needs to get one thing straight. He was the one that was in the wrong, You owe him absolutely NOTHING. So don't give anything except for what he deserves; that would be a cold shoulder and divorce papers. He doesn't have to like it one bit, but who cares, I'm pretty sure you don't appreciate what he's done. The way I see it, you're doing what you need to do. Don't second guess yourself. The bottom line is that you deserve better than what he's been able or willing to give to you, and you shouldn't have to settle, and it's selfish of him to expect you to.

You know at this rate those feelings will be gone before you know it. The situation hurts more than the loss of the relationship I can tell you that much, and it's more from feeling ashamed that you even picked a man that would do this to you than it is from actually losing him.

He needs to get one thing straight. He was the one that was in the wrong, You owe him absolutely NOTHING. So don't give anything except for what he deserves; that would be a cold shoulder and divorce papers. He doesn't have to like it one bit, but who cares, I'm pretty sure you don't appreciate what he's done. the way I see it, you're doing what you need to do. Don't second guess yourself. The bottom line is that you deserve better than what he's been able or willing to give to you, and you shouldn't have to settle, and it's selfish of him to expect you to.

Jodi.. you owe yourself some happiness and he isn't going you bring you anything but more sadness. You can get through this. It will take time and you cry and rant and cry some more, but it does get better!:)

Hi jo_dy,
I hope you feel better everyday. Here is my thought.


In our earlier relationship he used to be an emotional abuser blaming me for everything and i put an end to that after i became quite down and felt 'ME' slipping away.....once he could see how strong i was and am he didnt do it anymore but then he plays on different things to get in your head....like us having a baby for one thing.....we have tried for years and its just not happening so it makes it even worse for me to sleep with some random and get her pregnant....

It sums up the abusive type of relationship you have had with him. From early on, he has brain washed you, made you submissive to take the whole unfair treatment he gave to you without analyzing. You must did it to keep the marriage.
Your (you and your husband) infertility is NOT a reason to he can sleep around with other women whatsoever. Period. You put yourself overly down here. I understand he never treated you good, and you have tendency to blame yourself here. Please do not ever blame yourself for nothing include infertility or try to understand his motive to cheat ever. Period. It is fully BS.


he slept with someone else.....the end....full stop!!
Exactly! You do not even have to think. Just drop him like a stinky trash.


And now i have just had a horrible call from him, he doesnt like how im talking to him disrespectfully!!!! Can you believe it?

It also sums up what kind of moron he is. He has cheated on you, and still need respect from you? By what? He still thinks he can control you by yelling and blaming you as before. His BS is not working anymore.
Please open your eyes, see the ugly reality. You have abandoned true yourself & strength to keep this marriage, but his BS era is clearly over. Be strong & independent woman again, and find your happiness WITHOUT him.
You will be 100% much happier without cheater in your life BY YOUR OWN.
You will be 200% much happier if you meet someone nice in your future after get rid of this cheater.
So, what are you waiting for?
Please run fast emotionally, legally and physically from this cheater. Everything happens for reason. You must deserved the much happier life from now on. Cheers!!

Hi jo_dy,
I hope you feel better everyday. Here is my thought.



It sums up the abusive type of relationship you have had with him. From early on, he has brain washed you, made you submissive to take the whole unfair treatment he gave to you without analyzing. You must did it to keep the marriage.
Your (you and your husband) infertility is NOT a reason to he can sleep around with other women whatsoever. Period. You put yourself overly down here. I understand he never treated you good, and you have tendency to blame yourself here. Please do not ever blame yourself for nothing include infertility or try to understand his motive to cheat ever.

Period. It is fully BS.













Exactly! You do not even have to think. Just drop him like a stinky trash.



It also sums up what kind of moron he is. He has cheated on you, and still need respect from you? By what? He still thinks he can control you by yelling and blaming you as before. His BS is not working anymore.
Please open your eyes, see the ugly reality. You have abandoned true yourself & strength to keep this marriage, but his BS era is clearly over. Be strong & independent woman again, and find your happiness WITHOUT him.
You will be 100% much happier without cheater in your life BY YOUR OWN.
You will be 200% much happier if you meet someone nice in your future after get rid of this cheater.
So, what are you waiting for?
Please run fast emotionally, legally and physically from this cheater. Everything happens for reason. You must deserved the much happier life from now on. Cheers!!!








Jodi... let us know how you're doing... we want to help!:)

Hi everyone... everyones comments are helping me every day to see what I have never seen before in him. Today I have had a text conversation with him, quite a civil one, clearing up plans for post money etc and then he came, pre planned while I was out to clear out the last of his things... Im so sad, even though I know its right and for the best its left me really shell shocked and upset all over again! I hate feeling so low like this. What's even sadder is I'm wondering if he was the best I could do and I don't want to be alone hurting and if he was here then id be OK and it sounds pathetic just writing it, I know I'm to good for him but feel so sad its over and he's gone :(

Hi everyone.....everyones comments are helping me every day to see what i have never seen before in him. Today i have had a text conversation with him, quite a civil one, clearing up plans for post money etc and then he came, pre planned while i was out to clear out the last of his things...... Im so sad, even though i know its right and for the best its left me really shell shocked and upset all over again! I hate feeling so low like this. Whats even sadder is im wondering if he was the best i could do and i dont want to be alone hurting and if he was here then id be ok and it sounds pathetic just writing it, i know im to good for him but feel so sad its over and he's gone :(


Jodi... It's normal to have those regrets. It's normal to miss him even though he's a slug. Don't second guess yourself. Cry when you feel like. Honestly I will say this... you will get your self esteem back. No he is not the best you can do! You need someone who doesn't define himself by ordering you around and being MR. BIG STUFF.

The next woman may not be as understanding as you have been.
When he tries to crawl back into your life again, think of all the things he did to hurt you. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM! Blessings:)

Its sucha horrible feeling to feel and think this way... he is a very good looking fit man and knows it, he is a sweet talker which is also why he has got away with and got into so many women's knickers... its horrible to feel he is better than me somehow and that he was it for me!!

I cannot wait for the day when I feel better about this and the hurt fades.

Thank you all so much... its great knowing I can come here for advice and a pick me up... im sure my friends are already fed up hearing about it from me!!

Its sucha horrible feeling to feel and think this way.....he is a very good looking fit man and knows it, he is a sweet talker which is also why he has got away with and got into so many womens knickers.....its horrible to feel he is better than me somehow and that he was it for me!!!

I cannot wait for the day when i feel better about this and the hurt fades.

Thank you all so much.....its great knowing i can come here for advice and a pick me up....im sure my friends are already fed up hearing about it from me!!!

We are here to listen!

I feel so stupid... all I keep doing is crying and I shouldn't be really! He has lost no sleep or tears over this so why am I...

I hate being upset but don't seem to be able to stop myself from just crying... for no reason!!

I don't really know how to deal with these feelings

I don't know how he could do it to me, I must have meant nothing to him and he meant everything to me... :(

I dont know how he could do it to me, i must have meant nothing to him and he meant everything to me..........:(

He'll be the one who regrets it someday! You didn't do anything wrong.:)

I don't know how to deal with these emotions... I don't understand all of it!

I dont know how to deal with these emotions....I dont understand all of it!

Just hold on and know it will get better in time. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain!:)

I wish someone had a magic wand to take away my pain and make me move on 6 months from now!

I feel so stupid as anything anyone says to me sets me off crying and I am getting angry with myself for doing it as I no there will be no tears shed from him!

I wish someone had a magic wand to take away my pain and make me move on 6 months from now!

I feel so stupid as anything anyone says to me sets me off crying and i am getting angry with myself for doing it as i no there will be no tears shed from him!

I feel stupid for many reasons that I shouldn't. Just remember that eventually you WILL be fine. I wish you the best.

I feel stupid for many reasons that I shouldn't. Just remember that eventually you WILL be fine. I wish you the best.

Jodi... Remember self esteem, being your own person, finally breaking free of a dominant, egotistical , self r serving jerk is
The important thing.

I really think you're mad because you see what he has done to your life. Don't be ashamed , to be mad. I know you are strong just by the way post your messages.ne. A lot of women don't have the courage to do what you have do


I think every thing happens for a reason. Perhaps some other woman is looking for help and advice and she sees your post.
That woman may get the courage to walk away from a horrible marriage or an abusive marriage. You could be saving someone's life.

Hang on and keep posting... We're here... :)

I wish someone had a magic wand to take away my pain and make me move on 6 months from now!

I know what you mean. I wish I have the magic wand for you. :)

I know what you mean. I wish I have the magic wand for you. :)

Keep being strong! Think of all the insulting, horrible things he did to you! Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry, it just makes know he still has power over you. Things will start to look up and you'll see you will get through... Hugs and prayers to you!:)

Absent trust you don't have much of a marriage. Add the cheating and I'm not sure where you can go - I think at least separating is a good idea and I would personally divorce over this situation. It's hard, but the loneliest thing is being in a marriage with someone who does not respect your feelings or show his love with true fidelity - being alone is a lot less lonely than that.

Absent trust you don't have much of a marriage. Add the cheating and I'm not sure where you can go - I think at least separating is a good idea and I would personally divorce over this situation. It's hard, but the loneliest thing is being in a marriage with someone who does not respect your feelings or show his love with true fidelity - being alone is a lot less lonely than that.

We're here Jodi.. anytime!

I have got up today feeling a little better about things, yesterday was a bad day went to bed in tears... again! I have also just realised that there is an event we both must attend for our child (his step child) tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I don't want to see him but will have to some how hold it together. I agree marriage without trust is no marriage, I had a chat with a friend of mine yesterday about all this and she said... well if he thought you two weren't going to get back together you can't say anything really about who he slept with during that time! Am I mad or is that so wrong? It shouldn't make a difference if we were together at that point, we were married, he wanted to come back and work things out, we both did!

I have got up today feeling a little better about things, yesterday was a bad day went to bed in tears.....again! I have also just realised that there is an event we both must attend for our child (his step child) tomorrow and im dreading it. I dont want to see him but will have to some how hold it together. I agree marriage without trust is no marriage, i had a chat with a friend of mine yesterday about all this and she said....well if he thought you two werent going to get back together you can't say anything really bout who he slept with during that time! Am i mad or is that so wrong? It shouldnt make a difference if we were together at that point, we were married, he wanted to come back and work things out, we both did!

Dear Jody,
Are you trying to accept his cheating since you are painful and lonely?
He had track record of 5 kids from different women, no steady job, bur constantly sleep with other women whenever he sees opportunities.

Are you really buying his BS that “I hope we can work on us, but I am sleeping with someone else now.”? So, as you dmitted, you let him does his game, constantly went back to him by yourself, even though you did not see him as a trustworthy husband material. Is this what you want for your rest of life?

Don't be confused by your friend's nice talk. I have a same tendency to comfort my friend, if she is in pain, instead of harsh wording over agony. I am more honest and straight when I talk annomenously.

Oversall, it is your life. You know what he is. You know he is chronical cheater, and will not be faithful to you. So, why are you confused about?

Regarding to step child matter, I will drop all together. You are not mother Theresa, or community counselor. Step children is important while you are with him. You are dropping the cheater, and why do you still care about his children's matter? It will only tangle your life with his mess. It will not be beneficial for your peace, healing or future.

I will drop all anything realted to him, if I am in your position. Have you ever heard “No Contact” policy? If you are weak, give in, you will never make yourself free from mess.
I hope it helps you.

My agony, I think I didn't explain myself properly. There is no way on this earth or any other planet that I would consider having him and his cheating back in my life, bed or heart. I couldn't do it to myself anymore, my head and heart couldn't take anymore. I was trying to understand where my friend was coming from as in my eyes there is no excuse, together or not... we were married! As for the step child, he is big and wants him in his life as only dad ever really known, its not something day to day I have to be involved in or see him for. I think with time my boy will drop him anyway but I have to let him come to that conclusion on his own

Jody,
Thanks for the clarification. I am glad my assumption was wrong. My apology.
I hope you feel better day by day. :)

I still don't understand why she said it though, on a weak day it could put all kinds of doubt in anyone's mind. I think she is beginning to see how much he's hurt me and that's why I can't do it anymore, maybe even a little of her partner isn't much better too! I don't know really but I do know it didn't help. I have heard nothing, so far, from him today and doubt I will.

I still dont understand why she said it though, on a weak day it could put all kinds of doubt in anyones mind. I think she is beginning to see how much he's hurt me and thats why i can't do it anymore, maybe even a little of her partner isnt much better too! I dont know really but i do know it didnt help. I have heard nothing, so far, from him today and doubt i will.

Marriage is marriage... You were separated in order to find yourself. He was wrong. You were right! Even IF the child were YOUR stepson, you love that child with your whole heart. I know that for a fact. Your child has a bond with your husband and I would say as unworthy as your husband is of that child's love, the child does love him.

Stepchildren shouldn't even be called that. They are children. My husband is the only Dad my daughter has ever known. I love my stepson as much as I do my own daughter. He was young, a year older
Than my daughter when his dad and I married. Jody I'm soryy about the friend saying that. She was wrong. Still praying for you:)

Well I went to the school today and saw my soon to be ex husband... it was odd because I thought I was going to get upset or be angry at him but I felt nothing but slightly uncomfortable, it sounds odd but because it was a normal situation, doing normal stuff it felt kind of normal!!

I have come away and don't feel upset having saw him, I couldn't really look at him either and when I did it was a look of disgust but as discreet as possible to not make it obvious to anyone else... im sure lack of both wedding rings gives it away!

Im not sure what to make of today, maybe it'll hit me later but I hope not.

I didn't cry yesterday or today so its progress but still so hard :(

Well i went to the school today and saw my soon to be ex husband....it was odd because i thought i was going to get upset or be angry at him but i felt nothing but slightly uncomfortable, it sounds odd but because it was a normal situation, doing normal stuff it felt kind of normal!!!

I have come away and dont feel upset having saw him, i couldnt really look at him either and when i did it was a look of disgust but as discreet as possible to not make it obvious to anyone else.....im sure lack of both wedding rings gives it away!!

Im not sure what to make of today, maybe it'll hit me later but i hope not.

I didnt cry yesterday or today so its progress but still so hard :(


Jodi... Yaaay... I'm so happy you're starting to see him for the idiot he is. Gosh I'm so happy because I've been concerned. Keep it up and when you get the chance.. kick him the family jewels. Of course, I'm kidding but.. you are doing better. I'm so happy!:D

I think something that amazes me is the rollercoaster of emotions I have had so far. Yesterday was a good day and today I can feel myself feeling down again. I seem to go from feeling positive to just a crying heap on the floor! I almost don't no how to handle these feelings as what I have always done before is talk it through with him and fix things, to my own detriment! There is no fixing this so I'm having to accept the pain and loss and sadness I'm feeling but I almost don't no how. It makes me angry that I no in my heart that he is fine and I meant that little or that he thinks ill change my mind so nothing to be upset about, either way it hurts

I think something that amazes me is the rollercoaster of emotions i have had so far. Yesterday was a good day and today i can feel myself feeling down again. I seem to go from feeling positive to just a crying heap on the floor! I almost dont no how to handle these feelings as what i have always done before is talk it through with him and fix things, to my own detriment! There is no fixing this so im having to accept the pain and loss and sadness im feeling but i almost dont no how. It makes me angry that i no in my heart that he is fine and i meant that little or that he thinks ill change my mind so nothing to be upset about, either way it hurts

You need a change of scenery for a while. Go somewhere for the Easter Holiday. I promise you, you will get better. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days and then you'll wake up some morning and you won't feel that pain anymore'

It's OK to cry and it's OK to greive.. it's part of the healing process and it is normal. I will pray for you and I wish I could take away your pain, but I can't. Keep on posting. You are going to be OK.:)

When I divorced it took a while to realize that what upset me most wasn't so much being away from him, but changing the lifestyle I had when I was with him. I changed homes and neighbors, friends took sides and things of that nature. When I realized that I didn't really miss him, I was able to recognize that this was a good thing and an opportunity and I just focused on what I needed to do to move forward, and made sure I always had some fun thing planned in the near-term future that I could think about if I felt alone or depressed - might be meeting an old friend for coffee, or dinner with my sister, or taking my nephew and son to the zoo and for a picnic. Another thing that helped me was that I tried to think of other people who might need something, who were also going through hard times, and I made myself available to do things for them. I helped a friend move, another friend to paint some rooms in her new home, dog-sat for colleagues who were going on vacation, which forced me to go for long walks (big dogs!). And in filling my life by helping people I found that I grew closer friendships and was far less lonely than I had been in my marriage. Just keep moving forward, know everyone goes through this and half of the Western world is divorced, so you can get through it too. Take care!

When I divorced it took a while to realize that what upset me most wasn't so much being away from him, but changing the lifestyle I had when I was with him. I changed homes and neighbors, friends took sides and things of that nature. When I realized that I didn't really miss him, I was able to recognize that this was a good thing and an opportunity and I just focused on what I needed to do to move forward, and made sure I always had some fun thing planned in the near-term future that I could think about if I felt alone or depressed - might be meeting an old friend for coffee, or dinner with my sister, or taking my nephew and son to the zoo and for a picnic. Another thing that helped me was that I tried to think of other people who might need something, who were also going through hard times, and I made myself available to do things for them. I helped a friend move, another friend to paint some rooms in her new home, dog-sat for colleagues who were going on vacation, which forced me to go for long walks (big dogs!). And in filling my life by helping people I found that I grew closer friendships and was far less lonely than I had been in my marriage. Just keep moving forward, know everyone goes through this and half of the Western world is divorced, so you can get through it too. Take care!

Jodi... let us know how you are doing.:)

Two things - never snoop unless you are prepared for what you might find. I do investigations for a living and I advise people AGAINST this type of activity unless they have looked at the possibilities from all angles.

Second - I knew my first marriage was over and divorce was in the cards when, like you, I simply no matter cared. I didn't care if he was right, if I was right, if we were both wrong or right. It was like thinking about a stranger.

That's how you know it's over.

Good luck - let us know how you are doing.

Find something fun and something that brings u pleasure to make(activities... ) or at least listen for some music. Music is life. It will make u go over this more easier and drop for moments your thoughts away.

Find something fun and something that brings u pleasure to make(activities...) or at least listen for some music. Music is life. It will make u go over this more easier and drop for moments your thoughts away.


Her husband is having an affair and you suggest that she do something "fun" such as listening to music?

How old are you and where is your empathy?

Her husband is having an affair and you suggest that she do something fun such as listening to music?

How old are you?

Sad music doesn't help you get over someone. It only makes you think about the person more. I'm the biggest music fan in the world and sometimes a song or a book may be helpful. I found music a solace when I lost my Dad. But music when you've lost a husband you trusted and he is still close by where you may run into him.. :eek:Jodi don't listen to sad music.


It's like JudyKayTee said when you stop caring about if he was right or you were right and when you no longer care what he does.. You're over it. I can't believe some men. I will say this don't let yourself wallow in this. I know it will not be easy, but (and this sounds cliché)
Time heals all wounds. Time also makes you stronger. Blessings:)

When I divorced it took a while to realize that what upset me most wasn't so much being away from him, but changing the lifestyle I had when I was with him. I changed homes and neighbors, friends took sides and things of that nature. When I realized that I didn't really miss him, I was able to recognize that this was a good thing and an opportunity and I just focused on what I needed to do to move forward, and made sure I always had some fun thing planned in the near-term future that I could think about if I felt alone or depressed - might be meeting an old friend for coffee, or dinner with my sister, or taking my nephew and son to the zoo and for a picnic. Another thing that helped me was that I tried to think of other people who might need something, who were also going through hard times, and I made myself available to do things for them. I helped a friend move, another friend to paint some rooms in her new home, dog-sat for colleagues who were going on vacation, which forced me to go for long walks (big dogs!). And in filling my life by helping people I found that I grew closer friendships and was far less lonely than I had been in my marriage. Just keep moving forward, know everyone goes through this and half of the Western world is divorced, so you can get through it too. Take care!

The problem is that at the moment, no matter how I know I have done the right thing... I do miss him, wish I didn't but those few good points he had, I miss!!

I am in general getting there, I think and hope! Im not quite at the stage of not caring who is right or wrong or what he is doing but I'm trying. I am spending a lot of time with friedns who new him and help put things in my mind right, they could all see him for who he really was, except me! They know he loved me but new a lot of what he said and how he acted wasn't right, it was too much of an act and they could see right through it... the man doth protest too much!! Lol

I have cried for a few days which is nice and not even after seeing him, I know it's the right thing and in time ill be fine just need to hang on in there.

If only something as simple as music could help!! It doesn't take away this pain

Two things - never snoop unless you are prepared for what you might find. I do investigations for a living and I advise people AGAINST this type of activity unless they have looked at the possibilities from all angles.



I was prepared for what I might find, but as much as you prepare yourself its nothing like the bus that hits you when you find it! No matter how much you suspect and I have purposely never snooped for fear of finding something or reading something into something that wasn't really there. I new something was happening and someday soon it would come out, if I hadn't read the texts I would still be living a lie and pulling my hair out with suspicion!! Not the life I want

I am in general getting there, i think and hope! Im not quite at the stage of not caring who is right or wrong or what he is doing but im trying. I am spending alot of time with friedns who new him and help put things in my mind right, they could all see him for who he really was, except me!! They know he loved me but new alot of what he said and how he acted wasnt right, it was to much of an act and they could see right through it.......the man doth protest too much!!!!! lol

I have cried for a few days which is nice and not even after seeing him, i know its the right thing and in time ill be fine just need to hang on in there.

If only something as simple as music could help!!! It doesnt take away this pain

No it doesn't especially sad music. Don't listen to it. I'm glad there's a tiny bit of getting over him is starting to become reality. Remember Jodi, it's his loss. No man needs to treat a wife or girlfriend the way he has treated you. Guys like him need to feel
Good about themselves by trying to push women around. Have a happy Easter and concentrate on you!:)

I was prepared for what i might find, but as much as you prepare yourself its nothing like the bus that hits you when you find it!! No matter how much you suspect and i have purposely never snooped for fear of finding something or reading something into something that wasnt really there. I new something was happening and someday soon it would come out, if i hadnt read the texts i would still be living a lie and pulling my hair out with suspicion!!!! Not the life i want


It's just a question of how things come out. Suspicion is an ugly emotion. I've been in your shoes - I asked him what was going on. Is he telling you the truth about when he had sex with another woman? Was it during the time frame when you were "broken up?" Maybe it doesn't matter to you but it would matter to me. I'm confused about when you legally separated (as mentioned in your other thread). Once you legally separated he was free to date anyone he wanted to date - stupidity and pregnancy, of course, are in another category.

I've posted this before - some people are serial cheaters and nothing I've ever seen changes that. Maybe intensive therapy, I don't know. Maybe he's a serial cheater.

You weren't living a lie - he was. Maybe you were being played but you weren't the one living a lie.

Judy, he says it only happened while we separated, which was for 6 weeks ish middle of last year, not legally separated or anything, in regular contact with him constantly asking for another chance. I have no way of finding out from the other woman if its true or not so ill never no. I doubt it was only then though as during such a short period and the quick thing he says it was they have exchanged many e mails and he borrowed a substantial amount of money from her! But mainly for me, separated or not he slept with someone else and got her pregnant. Suspicion is awful and I will never live with it ever again, he can't be trusted and is a serial cheat!

You know better than anyone if he's a serial cheater and you also have to trust your gut feeling.

I was confused about your legal separation (when it occurred) based on this thread - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/air-travel/miss-mrs-does-make-difference-461741.html#post2297822.

Sorry. I thought you had been legally separated for some time. In the US the only separation is, in fact, a legal separation.

If we had been legally separated then really there wouldn't be too much I could say! But unfortunately its not :-(

Same goes for him being a serial cheat, again I wish it wasn't so and for to long I haven't listened to my gut instinct which has always told me he is up to something I just didn't know what but the truth will always come out!

I think your real challenge is how you will redefine yourself now from what you were. The spouse of a very unfaithful person. Don't take his bad behavior as a reflection of who you are, as you were only a bystander to his issues.

Of course you miss the good parts of him, that served mostly to keep you holding out hope, for years, but its really time to let go of that chapter of your life, and look to rebuilding, and both will take time and plenty of it.

For sure you need a plan for now to cope with your feelings in a positive way, which includes venting those feeling outward not in. A journal, or diary is what you need and right here is also a good place.

You also have to have support and enough distractions to help you during those low times that surely happen, like having an umbrella to keep you dry when it rains.

Any positive action for when times get tough and dark, that gets you through it. People places and things that are positive, and that makes you happy, and gives you a sense of accomplishing something good.

Your in time management mode, as you make adjustments to your life now. Yeah its tough while its still fresh, and you figure how to best replace old habits, and thinking with new ones, but it will get better. You have already made the first step by getting rid of the guy, and ending the wondering what he is hiding. The next step is about finding out about yourself, without him. Tough but a necessary step, that I wish you luck with. You're about to learn a lot about you that you didn't know before.

Thanks Tal and everyone, its been a hard easter break, I have felt quite lonely, all my friends are in relationships or married with kids so they spent the easter hols with their family... I have spent a lot of time thinking about life with him and life without would be and I know as hard as it is right now it will be better in the long run without him.

I hate myself for missing him partly because he is a bad man for doing what he has done to me and partly because he really Won't be missing me or us.

I find it odd not being part of a family or feeling married anymore, I feel kind of lost!

Don't hate yourself, or him really, he was just unworthy of you, but of course the split will hurt because you cared, and even the worst partner has his good points. Your wounds are still fresh and it would help a lot I think to look ahead, and plan things to do to keep that lonely feeling from being so overwhelming.

You didn't mention family or friends, or I could have missed that, so do you have any, close to where you are?

Holidays are especially rough when a person is alone - I have found during the "alone" times in my life (or during the sad or troubling times) that it really did help to face one day at a time. I would think, "If I can get through today ..." and pretty soon it would be tomorrow and I would start over.

Have your married friends sort of shut you out? Your family?

I have a few friends who are great but do have families, my own family either live far away or have their own families now. I don't feel shut out but I feel like I'm intruding on their family time but they don't make me feel that way. I try to take every day as it comes and I have tried to concentrate on the bad points of our relationship instead of the good, its seems more bad than good but I have always loved him regardless. It does still feel raw and I hope the pain will fade, I just wish it was quicker. I am trying to plan ahead and am going to redecorate my spare room which will keep me busy, but it doesn't stop me missing him. Something that has occurred to me is that I don't want to be alone for the future, I want to be with someone and feel loved again and to love again. I don't no where to begin with that, I haven't dated for years and wouldn't no where to look or how to start and as my friends are not on that scene anymore we don't go out to see what's out there now! I think too much! Im driving myself mad with thoughts of my future

I have a few friends who are great but do have families, my own family either live far away or have their own families now. I dont feel shut out but i feel like im intruding on their family time but they dont make me feel that way. I try to take every day as it comes and i have tried to concentrate on the bad points of our relationship instead of the good, its seems more bad than good but i have always loved him regardless. It does still feel raw and i hope the pain will fade, i just wish it was quicker. I am trying to plan ahead and am going to redecorate my spare room which will keep me busy, but it doesnt stop me missing him. Something that has occured to me is that i dont want to be alone for the future, i want to be with someone and feel loved again and to love again. I dont no where to begin with that, i havent dated for years and wouldnt no where to look or how to start and as my friends are not on that scene anymore we dont go out to see whats out there now! I think too much!! Im driving myself mad with thoughts of my future

Do you work with any single women? If so, maybe see if you can go to a club or even out to lunch or SOMETHING with them. That way you can put yourself out there and learn to be social before you start to date. Obviously dating right now is a bad idea, but after the divorce is Final and you've had more time to heal you can start getting to know men too. Sometimes your friends that are married will know single men too, so if you're not too terrified to go on a blind date then, when you're ready, you can allow for a blind date or a double date.

But right now, Don't worry about getting back out there. Worry about healing and then you'll find that dating isn't so bad. :)

Jodi... Stay strong... you will survive this! He's the one that will regret it it.

Something that has really bothered me today is that after talking to a girl cousin of mine, who knows a lot about him, has agreed with my friend who says if we weren't together what can I say... am I wrong here??

Its really beginning to mess with my head from feeling so so so sure of what I have done and the man he is to thinking so if it did happen maybe I'm wrong and not him!! BUT I feel right because I can't believe it only happened when we weren't together and ill never know for sure and will drive myself mad with it and wondering!!

Why am I now confused but at same time sure!!

Give yourself a break, you just busted up a long term relationship, and you should be not only confused, but crazy, right now, but the shock, and emotional dust WILL settle down.

Then you will know you were right, all the way around.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Just because the relationship didn't last doesn't mean that you screwed up. Clearly he has stuff wrong with him, and you can't blame yourself for his issues. Let his issues be his and move on with your life. Realize that you don't have control of everything that happens and be glad that you took control of this situation. You will be fine, don't beat yourself up, Imagine beating him up instead. :) (but don't do it for real, for legal reasons, otherwise I'd encourage it. Maybe =] )

The more people you ask about this the more opinions you will get and the more confused you will get.

Everyone is going to beat me up over this statement BUT if your question is whether he was "entitled" to date/have sex with other women while you were separated, I believe he was. Did he show discretion, common sense, responsibility? No. But if you are asking about this one pregnancy with this one woman I don't think you have the "right" to be offended by his behavior. If my husband and I separate he has no right to tell me how to behave.

That being said - I think you have to decide if you are better off with him or without him.

I realize you are planning a vacation - when is that scheduled? It might be a good time to clear your mind.

The more people you ask about this the more opinions you will get and the more confused you will get.

Everyone is going to beat me up over this statement BUT if your question is whether he was "entitled" to date/have sex with other women while you were separated, I believe he was. Did he show discretion, common sense, responsibility? No. But if you are asking about this one pregnancy with this one woman I don't think you have the "right" to be offended by his behavior. If my husband and I separate he has no right to tell me how to behave.

That being said - I think you have to decide if you are better off with him or without him.

I realize you are planning a vacation - when is that scheduled? It might be a good time to clear your mind.

WOW I am surprised at that being said although I do see where your coming from, half the problem is that he did it and got her pregnant, partly because he carried on contact with her after we got back together and kept it a big secret and then also partly because I find it so hard to believe it only happened during our break up!

You are very right in that the more I talk to people the more confused I get.

I don't think this just comes down the simple fact of just while we were broke up! How do you believe that it only happened while we were broke up, I have no other word other than the word of a liar!?

Also the problems I have with him are many many more than the question I have put on here... the list of lies, deceit, theft, conning, blackmail of sorts is endless... there aren't enough pages to write it all!

I realise as I'm writing this I'm trying to convince myself! I think if everyone new EVERYTHING about him it might be a slightly different story!

You apparently have sufficient proof and believe he is a liar, deceitful - and you want out.

If that is your decision then you have to move forward. The more you discuss this, mention it to other people, the more confused you are going to get.

I'm an investigator. That's what I do. I actually get paid to play Devil's Advocate when there is a case to be made. Therefore, your statement: "i find it so hard to believe it only happened during our break up!!", without proof, proves nothing to me.

And, again, I'm going to get beaten up over this.

But, again, if you are done, you are done, no matter what he did or said or didn't do or so.

Your mind is made up - get out while you still have your sanity.

You apparently have sufficient proof and believe he is a liar, deceitful - and you want out.

If that is your decision then you have to move forward. The more you discuss this, mention it to other people, the more confused you are going to get.

I'm an investigator. That's what I do. I actually get paid to play Devil's Advocate when there is a case to be made. Therefore, your statement: "i find it so hard to believe it only happened during our break up!!", without proof, proves nothing to me.

And, again, I'm going to get beaten up over this.

But, again, if you are done, you are done, no matter what he did or said or didn't do or so.

Your mind is made up - get out while you still have your sanity.

I have also previously been in an investigator and have always never believed anything without proof, this is why I have stayed with him for so long. I agree that the more I ask for peoples advice the more confused I get, I wish it was as simple as I have made my mind up and that's it, easy to get over and move on but it never is.

My having doubts is nothing like having the proof slap you in the face and that's exactly what it did! Although temporarily not together we were married, we were in regular contact and he was asking to come back and we were in talks about this happening... to then sleep with an impregnate someone else is beyond me how that makes it all OK!

Unfortunately for me I love the liar and cheat and conman that he is (obviously not thosr particular bits) I wish I didn't because it make all this so much easier

Doing the right thing for yourself is seldom easy. But you do it any way.

I don't know what you mean by you have been "in an investigator." Are you also an investigator?

And, yes, if you love him... well, that makes it all the more difficult. Sounds like he's a charming cheat.

Sorry, meant I was previously an investigator... not any more but you don't lose the instinct.

He is a very charming cheater and very very clever, this isn't the first time he has been caught by me.

I just wish I didn't love him, I always thought if I caught him it would make it easier to end all this but its still just as hard :-(

Nothing makes it less painful - and men who are charming take every advantage they can.

I'm so sorry you're in this spot - I know how hurt I was when I was standing in your shoes.

Only time can make a difference.

If only I could put on here the sort of thing he has done that I do have proof of, I doubt one person would say to stay with him.

You can't help who you love and I think I proved that with him, it's a shame he didn't have any respect or love me to not lie and stay faithful

Well, its been a few days since I last posted and I have had a real up and down time. I have had all kinds of grief from my ex in phone calls and texts but they really haven't bothered me, I am already beginning to put myself back together, slowly, but I'm heading in the right direction. I am finding more and more lies as the days go on and am thinking thank goodness I'm not with him. Everyone's words of wisdom have helped me everyday. Thank you all :) x

Hey everyone... what can I say it was just getting easier then I see him, we talk and now I feel almost as bad as before!

He was he's usual self, charming! And I played the I don't care act. BUT after all I can do is think about him... im trying my hardest to do nothing but think of the reasons we split and hang onto them... its got very hard again

Hey everyone........what can i say it was just getting easier then i see him, we talk and now i feel almost as bad as before!!

He was he's usual self, charming! and i played the i dont care act. BUT after all i can do is think about him.......im trying my hardest to do nothing but think of the reasons why we split and hang onto them.........its got very hard again



Jodi... he's pulling you back again... DON"T FALL FOR IT" you will be right back at square one. He knows what he's doing... He sees you getting independent and it makes him mad... No Contact:(

What amazes and upsets me and makes me angry is that he has managed to get in my head again and have me thinking about him... im doing everything I can to think and do other things to occupy me but he lingering in the back of my thoughts!

Argh I hate it that I let him, its not like I don't know what he is like and what he can do and I allowed it.

Its my own stupid fault really, was feeling good and strong then see him and I'm almost back to square one again!!

Won't make that mistake again but here I am again feeling miserable :(

What amazes and upsets me and makes me angry is that he has managed to get in my head again and have me thinking about him........im doing everything i can to think and do other things to occupy me but he lingering in the back of my thoughts!!

Argh i hate it that i let him, its not like i dont know what he is like and what he can do and i allowed it.

Its my own stupid fault really, was feeling good and strong then see him and im almost back to square one again!!!

Wont make that mistake again but here i am again feeling miserable :(






Okay... Start doing the the things you did before at square one. If just one time you could put all that hurt and anger and feelings
For him aside and see him for what he is.

Make a list of all the things he's done and don't leave out anything.
Add how you felt when he did those things. It will help.. The anger will be replaced with regret of how you have wasted your time and tears
On a weasel... Try It!! :)

My suggestion would be to print out and read this thread every time he crosses your thoughts, particularly this post:

"If only i could put on here the sort of thing he has done that i do have proof of, i doubt one person would say to stay with him.

You can't help who you love and i think i proved that with him, its a shame he didnt have any respect or love me to not lie and stay faithful."

Only you can walk away - and, yes, it's hard. If you can't have contact with him without hurting, then stop having contact. I wouldn't read his texts or respond to his phone calls.

I only responded to my "ex" when he left a message on my answering machine and it required an answer. Otherwise I listened and erased and didn't pick up any emails, imails, texts, cell phone calls.

Don't you fall for it hun! I know you're stronger than that. You can do this. I like Tal's suggestion, I think you should print out the thread.

Dont' you fall for it hun! I know you're stronger than that. you can do this. I like Tal's suggestion, I think you should print out the thread.

Judy Kay and Ohso and Tal are right... print it out! Hugs:)

I am only able to do the NC to a point as we have a child but I can keep it to that ONLY.

I have printed it out and it is helping, thanks guys and gals. It is getting easier again everyday as I remember why were not together

It will still have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, but eventually it does get easier.

And as I said earlier - one day you won't even care!

Good luck!

It will still have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, but eventually it does get easier.

And as I said earlier - one day you won't even care!

Good luck!

You have to move on hon... :)

I can't wait for the day I don't care, the day I don't think about him... I have never felt so lonely and alone :(

I can't wait for the day i dont care, the day i dont think about him...........i have never felt so lonely and alone :(
Yes, it is. You should feel lonely while you are working on healing.
However, the reward will be huge, you will start with a right man who loves you, respects you, and most importantly deserved you. He will not break your heart like your ex.
Be patient! Good Luck! :)

You truly will get to a point where you don't care. It takes different lengths of time for different people, but it can't even start in earnest until you wash your hands of being involved with him. There are a lot of support groups for divorce and I'd recommend you join one ASAP. They are usually free, meet at places like local churches, and you'll meet other people who are also navigating this process of ending one life and starting another. You'll find people to join you for a movie or dinner, and it will help a lot with the lonliness. It will also help you work through the process of healing faster and with some guidance so you learn as much as you can. I regret that when I divorced, I waited 6 years before joining such a group. Yes, there were some people who I didn't connect with or who were too self-absorbed, but I found two true friends and they helped me a great deal.

Someday... You'll wonder why you spent so much time on this guy... We're here if you need us.

You truly will get to a point where you don't care. It takes different lengths of time for different people, but it can't even start in earnest until you wash your hands of being involved with him. There are a lot of support groups for divorce and I'd recommend you join one ASAP. They are usually free, meet at places like local churches, and you'll meet other people who are also navigating this process of ending one life and starting another. You'll find people to join you for a movie or dinner, and it will help a lot with the lonliness. It will also help you work through the process of healing faster and with some guidance so you learn as much as you can. I regret that when I divorced, I waited 6 years before joining such a group. Yes, there were some people who I didn't connect with or who were too self-absorbed, but I found two true friends and they helped me a great deal.

I am not involved with him anymore, there has to be the odd conversation due to our child but other than that there has been nothing... I feel stupid for thinking about him what feels like everyday and knowing at the same time he won't have given me a second thought, its odd though because I don't want him to think about me but it still hurts that I'm the only one hurting! I wish I could make it stop

I was talking to a counsellor the other day and they have said he shows all the symptoms of a sociapath... when I googled it I was shocked by how accurate it is to him and how I have had a lucky escape!

But knowing all this why can't I just out him out my mind and get on, I sit dwelling on it and him getting nowhere but further down.

I was talking to a counsellor the other day and they have said he shows all the symptoms of a sociapath......when i googled it i was shocked by how accurate it is to him and how i have had a lucky escape!!

But knowing all this why can't i just out him out my mind and get on, i sit dwelling on it and him getting nowhere but further down.

Sociapaths do not change. Don't even talk to him Jodi... he's dangerous. He's like a ticking time bomb. Don't be his victim anymore!

I do wonder what's wrong with me, I feel sorry for him! Im pretty sure I'm the only one hurting and that's been dumped on and I feel bad for him! How does that make any sense? I think from what I have read it is all part of his problem (sociapath) that I got sucked in and now I'm getting out its messed my head up. All I want is to feel happy again. It seems so far away and even further the more I think about him. How do you stop thinking about someone who has been such a big part of it all

It help with your thought when you have positive actions, and something else to think about. Do things that make you happy, and not sit and dwell.

It help with your thought when you have positive actions, and something else to think about. Do things that make you happy, and not sit and dwell.




You'll be better and stronger and feel more positive about yourself
When you are finally rid of this lump of nothing. You're better than he is and your child can be happy.

I am taking every day as it comes after a VERY down weekend... am finding this all very hard

I am taking every day as it comes after a VERY down weekend........am finding this all very hard




I know it's hard Jodi.. I've been there.. You'll get better.. I promise you.
When you start feeling this way.. think about every single time you felt
Degraded by him.. You are in my prayers.:)

Thanks Kat, its driving me mad thinking about him everyday, I don't want to, I try not to, I'm waiting for a day when it doesn't happen bu tthen I find myself looking out to see if I see him but what for?? I wouldn't approach him, it'll only make me feel worse so why look?

I don't understand a lot of my feelings with this

Thanks Kat, its driving me mad thinking about him everyday, i dont want to, i try not to, im waiting for a day when it doesnt happen bu tthen i find myself looking out to see if i see him but what for??? I wouldnt approach him, it'll only make me feel worse so why look??

I dont understand alot of my feelings with this

This may help! We're here for you:)

http://www.life123.com/relationships/issues/signs-bad-relationship/how-to-move-on-after-a-break-up.shtml - 50k

This may help! We're here for you:)

http://www.life123.com/relationships/issues/signs-bad-relationship/how-to-move-on-after-a-break-up.shtml - 50k

Thank you so much for this link, I have read it several times over the last few days, I can relate to all of it.

It has made me start looking on the net for similar things, which were quite hard to find surprisingly but I found a few. It all helps

This has been a good weekend, I have spent a lot of times with friends, laughing and talking and talking some more, it has helped, even though a lot of the talking revolved around him it helped and I didn't feel down talking about him, it got a lot off my chest, I didn't get upset or feel down, it just reminded me of some of the many reasons I'm not with him

Am feeling very low at the moment, find myself wanting to cry a lot, I thought I was getting better but feel as though I have gone 10 steps back but I don't know why!

I think about him most days, I even started dreaming about him too... I don't want to but can't make it stop, I am more hurt than I ever thought. I am keeping busy but even when I am I still think about him, he as been such a huge part of my life and there isn't enough I can do to fill it up in replacement of him :(

Unfortunately this is how grief and loss work - and you are suffering grief and loss of a relationship.

There is nothing you can do to make it better other than staying busy and riding it out.

Some people get comfort out of remembering all the "bad" things the other person did; others find that simply is a reminder.

You have to grieve to whatever extent "works" for you before you can move on. This is the end of a relationship, a sort of death. I know - it hurts!

We all grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time. After all your emotional investments for so long to this relationship of course you are supposed to feel bad. Any human would, but it does take time. It helps to have friends and family around you that are supportive and understanding of your situation though. Do you have a few very good friends, or trusted family members around you?

Hey Jodi.. I was thinking about you yesterday... I'm not on line as much as I used to be... but I do want to say... I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have a friend who is going through the same, thing.. she's a lot younger than me.. She used to babysit our kids.

Jodi.. All I can do is cry with her and try to give her a shoulder.. She is devastated. It's been nearly three months and she has filed for divorce
And she is so sad... She told me... I don' t know why I miss him.. the kids are happier and they don't miss him.

She said... "When we sit down to dinner now, it's a whole different atomsphere.. We talk, we laugh, and he's not there to say anything mean.
I watch them and I see the damage our fighting and his domination did
Too me and even though I do miss him him, I'll never do that again.

Those children are doing great... Don't think because you miss him, there is something wrong with you.. there isn't. You are normal... and it's normal to miss someone whom you have loved so many years... but
You will get over it. Don't listen to sad music or go to places you use to go. Be Thankful you are getting stronger and most of all look at your child and say thank you Lord my child will never have to go through this again... Hugs and Blessings

I am struggling at the moment and am even having my doubts about what I have done, its hard to say that for eveything he has done!

I don't want him and couldn't let myself but there is something in me that just wants to take him back with open arms, like it would make everything OK... but I know it wouldn't and I can't and won't forgive him for everything he has done so why am I thinking this way?

I am very confused right now.

I miss his company, and all the good points... its horrible how when you feel like this you forget alllllllllllllllllll the bad

We don't forget the bad, we just choose to ignore it!

I am struggling at the moment and am even having my doubts about what i have done, its hard to say that for eveything he has done!

I dont want him and couldnt let myself but there is something in me that just wants to take him back with open arms, like it would make everything ok............but i know it wouldnt and i can't and wont forgive him for everything he has done so why am i thinking this way?

I am very confused right now.

I miss his company, and all the good points........its horrible how when you feel like this you forget alllllllllllllllllll the bad

Get a puppy! Then you can spend time with him instead. :) You have to make sure that he's the most Wuvable-Cuddly-Cutie-Pie in the whole world. :)

I have had several conversations with my ex, all quite amicable ones, I have made it clear although he wants to we will NOT be getting back together, that as much as I will always love him I couldn't do it to myself as there is 0% trust... he thinks he could regain that etc but I have said no

I feel OK about it all, its sad as I wish there was a way but time can not be turned back so we have to get on... to a point!

Its been 7 weeks now since we split, I am feeling more positive, I still have my bad days when through lonliness and sadness you would do something stupid like take him back but I'm still here... getting on with life to a point. I thought it would be easier at this point but its not

Its been 7 weeks now since we split, i am feeling more positive, i still have my bad days when through lonliness and sadness u would do something stupid like take him back but im still here.......getting on with life to a point. I thought it would be easier at this point but its not

Thanks for the update Jody! Stay strong lady, You'll be okay!

Hang in there. You are going to be fine.

Something that is really getting on my nerves is the complete rollercoaster of emotions and feelings I am having... I go from one day feeling like it's the best thing I ever done and can't wait for the rest of my life and too many other days I think I should and WANT to take him back... I need those days to get less :( before I do something stupid through sadness and lonliness

You must learn to cope with the feelings you have and not make impulsive , or ill advised decisions.

Maturity is all about dealing with yourself in positive ways and not acting on intense feelings without a lot of thought.

We all have those intense days, and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Those are the days you have a plan B in place, so we can change our focus, and work through our feelings.

Hobbies, chores, or exercise are great things you can just get up and do, when the feelings get too intense.

You must learn to cope with the feelings you have and not make impulsive , or ill advised decisions.

Maturity is all about dealing with yourself in positive ways and not acting on intense feelings without a lot of thought.

We all have those intense days, and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Those are the days you have a plan B in place, so we can change our focus, and work thru our feelings.

Hobbies, chores, or exercise are great things you can just get up and do, when the feelings get too intense.

Jodi... You'll get through this.. don't even think about it. Don't get weak..

At the moment I am having a lot of doubts about my decision... he is promising the world of therapy and what he can do and will be like if I considered giving it another go... my head is a mess as I do love him and want him but haven't taken him back as I just and won't let myself get hurt anymore.

I keep asking myself if I'm miserable without him now and was a little miserable with him sometimes which is worse??

Can someone rebuild the trust from nothing?

I don't know what to do anymore

You protect yourself, and give him the space to do what he has to to make himself better without you. Yes you will have those days of confusion, and you wish things were different, mostly triggered by circumstance and regret.

But until he has done what he says, what would be the point.

You are also very right as to regaining trust takes a long time and both must be completely committed to change. But I think you heal first until his commitment to change is a reality.

He has a lot of business to handle, and much baggage to unpack, and it will take YEARS to accomplish.

Stay strong for yourself.

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

He doesn't see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused...

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling I wouldn't believe him unless I saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasn't

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

He doesnt see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused......

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling i wouldnt believe him unless i saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasnt



I'd do therapy or counselling or whatever else it takes BUT I wouldn't move back in with him.

Seeking help is one thing. Changing is another.

- and this is ONLY if you WANT him back!

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying
It should be, he is using a promise to lure you back, That's a red flag he would go to such lenghts to get what he wants.

He doesn't see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused...
But if he sees nothing wrong, he will never seek change, want change, or do any changing. In short, more of the same.

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling I wouldn't believe him unless I saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasn't
He would be doing it for selfish reasons to get what he wants, but he sees no problems and doesn't have a motivation to change.

That makes his apology, not heart felt, or sincere. I was just another means to get you to give him another chance.

Its good you don't trust him, nor should you. But let that mistrust put an unconditional end to this chapter in your life, so you can heal, and do better.

He has said he would only consider therapy if it meant we could try again, he would do it for us but not himself! Which is quite worrying

He doesnt see himself really as being anything wrong but does apologise for the hurt he has caused......

There would be no real doing without me around and honestly even if he said he has got coucelling i wouldnt believe him unless i saw it with my own eyes as he would say he has got the help when he hasnt

Jody you have to remember that he is the one that's in the wrong here, and that he really should be going to counseling. He's having (has had) a child with another woman, lied to you about it, hurt you and intimidated you. And now he's using talk to get you back in his control. I highly doubt he will change permanantly. Honestly, you can live without him. You know that saying "I can't live without him/her"? Usually it's backwards, usually they don't want you to be able to live without them. It's a control thing, and I think that if you give in to this, he will start the cycle all over again after a while once things start settling down and getting comfortable. Also I have to add, that if he's saying that he will only go back to therapy if you say you'll be with him, that's another red flag. If he really wants to change he will have to do it for himself. this is telling me that he doesn't want to change, he just wants you to think he wants to and won't care to pretend if there's nothing in it for him...

Also, I have to ask, what exactly does the part in blue mean? Could you clarify for me please?

Jodi... please don't let him pull you back again! You are almost to the point of getting used to being without him. I pray you will not be blinded by his empty promises.

Please don't do it. If you have to get a crucifix and garlic to wear around your neck. If you let him talk you into this, he is like a vulture who will suck the life right out of you.

You'll be back at square one and he will revel in the knowledge he still has control over you.

I think you are all right, its an odd feeling to want him back and at the same time I don't!

He says he has got some help and had therapy but honestly I don't believe he did for one minute.

He can't be trusted and still while not together he is lying to me... I will get over it but it's the wanting him I need to move past... I ask myself why want him, I know what he is doing and the games he is playing and I won't fall for it

jody you have to remember that he is the one that's in the wrong here, and that he really should be going to councelling. He's having (has had) a child with another woman, lied to you about it, hurt you and intimidated you. And now he's using talk to get you back in his control. I highly doubt he will change permanantly. Honestly, you can live without him. You know that saying "I can't live without him/her"? Usually it's backwards, usually they don't want you to be able to live without them. It's a control thing, and I think that if you give in to this, he will start the cycle all over again after a while once things start settling down and getting comfortable. Also I have to add, that if he's saying that he will only go back to therapy if you say you'll be with him, that's another red flag. If he really wants to change he will have to do it for himself. this is telling me that he doesn't want to change, he just wants you to think he wants to and won't care to pretend if there's nothing in it for him...

Also, I have to ask, what exactly does the part in blue mean? could you clarify for me please?

Oh I can def live without him, I have been for months now and it really has got easier.

What I meant was that unless I can see it for myself I don't believe he would do anything to better himself... mostly because if left to it on his own he wouldn't actually do anything to better himself but would swear to me he has!!

The more I talk the more I know I couldn't and wouldn't have him back!

I don't feel lonely how I used to or miss him how I used to, I do miss his good bits but not enough to have him back! I don't know what it is that makes me want him back!

Very odd feeling! BUT I wouldn't take him back

He was your husband and you gave him your trust, so it is quite natural to miss his good points. Your feelings are still raw.
You hang in there, you will soon no longer miss that. It will get easier.

Jodi... Don't let him pull you back... he's trying... for the sake of your happiness , don't fall for it.
You'll be fine.. without him. Please find the strength I know you have... Blessings

Oh i can def live without him, i have been for months now and it really has got easier.

What i meant was that unless i can see it for myself i dont believe he would do anything to better himself....mostly because if left to it on his own he wouldnt actually do anything to better himself but would swear to me he has!!!!

Even if he did change, I don't really think that it should matter to you. What he does with his life from now on is his business. And I think that you should focus more on yourself than on him lying to you more. Like I said, of course he's not going to get help unless you come back to him, he doesn't WANT to get help he WANTS to get you suckered back in. the fact that he would even say that to you is a dead giveaway that he's never really intending on changing in my opinion. I mean really, you've got your own life and heart to think about here, you are not responsible for his behavior, and it is not your job to change him. So leave him in the mud to wallow or you'll end up back in there with him. You don't need to care about ANYTHING he says to you anymore. If you can live without him, don't try to help him or change him. He doesn't deserve that much attention from you, he doesn't deserve your help, and if you do try to help him, he will take it as a reward for his bad behavior, because he knows you're giving him that undeserved attention and he won't stop because he knows you'll keep trying to be there for him. This means he still has some sort of control over and you need to STOP IT. I mean completely. He is nothing. You are everything to yourself. One thing that will never ever change is the fact that you have to live with yourself. You wake up with yourself every morning and you fall asleep with yourself every night. So that's what's always there, that's why you deserve to give yourself more, because you're always with YOU.

Ohso, is right Jodi.. I wish there were more things I could tell you but you already know how I feel about the way he's treating you.

His punishment will be sometime in the future when he finds you are happy without him and have no intention of allowing him back into your life.

I think he will kick himself in the butt.. not because he realizes what he's lost, but because you have finally broken his hold on you and he can't control you anymore.

When that happens you better let us know... Wait and see.. there is so much more out there for you.
You deserve happiness and I just know you will find it.

You know what will be great? You won't even care about what he thinks or says by then. It's going to happen.. keep on being strong!

I completely agree with everything everyone has said.

The more time that goes the stronger I feel and the I realise what he is doing and how I could NEVER have him back... never ever.

Its taken me years to get to this point but I finally see what everyone else see's and I hope with more time I will lose those feelings of want and missing... I hope its sooner :(

Hooray for you! I feel like jumping for joy! I knew you could do it!

You're through the worst part and the missing him will lessen in time.
Gosh.. I'm so proud of you and you are still in my prayers.

The man will sink to all kinds of levels to make me do who knows what...

I recvd a text the other day in the early hours, shich I didn't get till the morning, saying in a round about way he was going to kill himself, it took me 24hrs to figure out what he meant by it but I didn't respond anyway and just hoped he hadn't... I then got another text 24hrs later saying he wasn't successful, again I didn't respond... I think he is quite low and on self destruct... its sad to see and as naïve as I am being I don't see why!!

You are not naïve you are just in a situation you've not been in before.

He is trying to manipulate you. Hang in there you will be OK.

Yu are not naive you are just in a situation you've not been in before.

He is trying to manipulate you. Hang in there you will be OK.






Next time he tries to upset you like that... Just say "bye"... He'll stop it.

I was with someone who also lied deliberatley. My ex boyfriend did not know how to tell the truth , all he did was lie. And about getting a job etc. needless to say I dealt with it for almost two years. And finally said I need someone better. I left him for good. Now I'm with someone who treats me like gold, he takes care of my ever need. And makes sure I take my medicine talk to my folks etc. my ex never let me talk to my family. And for a while I lost touch with my family. But now that were on speaking terms I'm a much happier person. But I must admit don't trust them completely.

I don't have a problem with trust as such I just have a problem trusting him and now because of him I imagine I will have no trust or doubt most men I meet in the future!!

I feel like my head is a big mess, he knows how to play with me and is I'm trying my hardest to not let it happen but I'm not invincible so some of it is getting through...

Last night I missed him so much, for no reason at all, I very badly wanted to call him and tell him to come back... I didn't but I was close to for no reason at all other than I miss him and still love him, in some ways. Im glad I didn't but I was very close to it.

Id ont have a problem with trust as such i just have a problem trusting him and now because of him i imagine i will have no trust or doubt most men i meet in the future!!!

I feel like my head is a big mess, he knows how to play with me and is im trying my hardest to not let it happen but im not invincable so some of it is getting through........

Last night i missed him so much, for no reason at all, i very badly wanted to call him and tell him to come back........i didnt but i was close to for no reason at all other than i miss him and still love him, in some ways. Im glad i didnt but i was very close to it.

Stay strong Jodi... Please. It's a horrible time for you. Maybe if you picture his face and the look of "I told He would be nice for a few you so" if you go back that will be a deterrent... Kit

Hi everyone, I quick update.

Life is pretty good, had a holiday with friends, got asked out so many times that my confidence is at a all time high, feeling pretty good with myself for the first time in a long time.

As for my ex husband to be, he is still up to no good, I have had various phone calls asking/telling me about him, I thought the lies to me were bad!! How wrong I was, he has told so many other people lies, awful lies, that it turns out I was one of 5 women he had!! Soooooooo glad I am out of it and he doesn't bother me anymore :)

I was going to say it gets better, but you seem to know that already. So just keep enjoying it, and be grateful that he is out of your life.

I'm glad to hear you are doing so well.
Keep it up!

I'm glad to hear you are doing so well.
Keep it up!





Jodi... I was thinking of you yesterday... I'm so happy for you! Good, good, good. You Did It!! :D


Just for you... :cool:

YouTube - Linda Ronstadt - You're No Good (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr9vKWLgZzo) - 96k

Hi everyone, i quick update.

Life is pretty good, had a holiday with friends, got asked out so many times that my confidence is at a all time high, feeling pretty good with myself for the first time in a long time.

As for my ex husband to be, he is still up to no good, i have had various phone calls asking/telling me about him, i thought the lies to me were bad!!!! How wrong i was, he has told so many other people lies, awful lies, that it turns out i was one of 5 women he had!!! Soooooooo glad i am out of it and he doesnt bother me anymore :)



Holy Gross! 5 women? That's just unbelieveable! I'm so glad you're out of there and on you're way to being a single, happier woman. Best of luck to you Jody. This whole situation just sucked!

Holy Gross! 5 women?! That's just unbelieveable! I'm so glad you're out of there and on you're way to being a single, happier woman. Best of luck to you Jody. This whole situation just sucked!





Somebody get a rope!:eek:

The extent of the lies is beyond what I could ever believe and am finding it hard to believe still... 5 women is the start of it!

I am glad to be out of it but still find myslef in it in a weird sort of way but from a distance! If that makes sense

I pity him and how low he has gone

Well just be glad you are no longer a pawn in his game.

Gosh Jodi... I feel like I've known you for years. We really have had a lot to get through, haven't we?
I knew you could do it. I'm so glad you see him for what he is.

I hope you start building yourself confidence again... Kit