My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months and our sex drive is about the same. We could have sex everyday, twice a day. But our sex life is going down and so is his.. member... a lot of the time we'll be having sex, its going great, feels good then all of a sudden it just goes fricken limp and when I try to jack him even if I give oral it takes him 2 hours to get off he says normally it takes him 10mins! Is it me? Is he not ready to settle down like he says he is? Should I move on. I know we've had problems with a lot of shyt but we've managed to work through most of it accept this. What should we do?

OK OK calm down. If he is surprised by this it is not that he isn't interested in anything. It sounds like a pysical problem to me and I am not sure about this so if there is anyone that can back me up please do but isn't it a possible sign of diabetes if he can't stay hard? I have heard that several times. Either way I say this guy needs to go get checked out asap as another possibility is that he may be having prostate problems. I know its embarrassing for men to go get their junk checked out by the doctor but you got to do what you got to do. Just remind him that he isn't showing off the doctor and that the doc isn't ever going to tell anyone about anything he sees or finds or does. HIPPA takes care of that. It's the patient confideniality law in the USA which is where I am guess you reside. You can check all the provacy laws out by going to mghp.com . That site will bring you to the main page of mercy health partners web site. If you follow the links there in you can find a health journal and ask about erectile disfunction. It could help you out here. I won't pretend to know what is going on but so long as he has the desire to get-er-done so to speak, then I would have to say it sounds like a physical issue that needs to be addressed now

Actually here is the site you want to visit for HIPAA http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hipaa/understanding/index.html

And this one is for the health library. Spicifically the page I picked out for you.
Health Information (http://www.healthwise.net/mghp/Content/StdDocument.aspx?DOCHWID=hw112768)

Have you sat down together and had a calm, rational discussion about this at a time when it's NOT an immediate issue?

Have you LISTENED to each other?

Start with talking, move on to a physical, and see where it goes from there.

PS--how often is he masturbating? Some guys get so used to themselves that nothing else works.

Also today something weird happened he was going to the bathroom and he came.. not sure what that means?

Have you sat down together and had a calm, rational discussion about this at a time when it's NOT an immediate issue?

Have you LISTENED to each other?

Start with talking, move on to a physical, and see where it goes from there.

PS--how often is he masturbating? Some guys get so used to themselves that nothing else works.
Yeah we've talked about it a few times. He thinks its anxiety but he doesn't feel anxious or no what makes him nervous. And he masturbates about once every day but I made him stop for a week and it still took an hour for us to get him off.

One week isn't that long if he's been used to himself for a year or longer.

Look, if you know how to tie your shoe a specific way, or know EXACTLY how you like your drink mixed, or exactly the right way to stretch out in your bed to fall asleep--how long would it take you to get used to a new way of doing it?

Personally, I think you're both focusing too much on the destination, and not as much on the journey.

One week isn't that long if he's been used to himself for a year or longer.

Look, if you know how to tie your shoe a specific way, or know EXACTLY how you like your drink mixed, or exactly the right way to stretch out in your bed to fall asleep--how long would it take you to get used to a new way of doing it?

Personally, I think you're both focusing too much on the destination, and not as much on the journey.

Exactly I said I thought he was trying to hard but he says if he doesn't try then it goes on for 3 hours rather then 1 or 2

So... stop focusing on the orgasm. Period.

Just enjoy each other.

And he should probably stop it with the masturbation as often as he does--he's too used to himself.

So....stop focusing on the orgasm. Period.

Just enjoy each other.

And he should probably stop it with the masturbation as often as he does--he's too used to himself.

I'm not sure if he'll be able to just relax and play he gets pretty self absorbed when trying to get off and refuses to give up till he's had an orgasm... and I don't think he'll be able to go with out masturbating... it was hard enough keeping his hands off it for 5 days.

Then it's never going to get better.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

He needs to relax about the orgasm if he finds an hour to be a real problem. Most women I know would like that long of a ride but that's them I guess. He however doesn't like this? That being the case I say he needs to have sex with you for 15 to 20 minutes a day and totally get rid of all other orgasm tricks. Within a little while his body will realize that the only way it is going to get off is by having sex and 15 to 20 minutes will start happening more and more often. I have done this trick myself and it worked for me just fine. And tell him I said it is not that hard not to masturbate, just be too busy to do it. After a few days it'll get easier and easier.

However if he begins to hurt then he is going to have to finish and probably by himself as it hurts too much to have sex.

Well we had sex a couple more times and he got off in an hour or less all 3 times which was nice he still went limp a couple times though..

Yeah got to say it sounds physical. Speaking of physical he needs to go see a doctor. Take my word on it. If it is diabetes and it is left unchecked, it could cause serious health problems and even death. So just to be on the safe side I would say you make him go.

I thought maybe it might be a diet thing cause he drinks a LOT of pop/energy drinks (rockstars) and stuff but hardly ever drinks even a glass of water also eats lots of crap food i.e. KD, mr. noodles, pastries, taquitos, chips, and so on does't exercise much and smokes(bulls eye cigarillos) been getting him to cut back but he lives 15 hours away from me so I only get to see him once a month so its hard to make sure he really is quitting...

yeah gotta say it sounds physical. Speaking of physical he needs to go see a doctor. Take my word on it. If it is diabetes and it is left unchecked, it could cause serious health problems and even death. So just to be on the safe side I would say you make him go. I told him that but he doesn't think it is diabetes because he eats so much sugar and crap and doesn't show any signs of diabetes... but he is over weight but in big denial of it x.x I think he's 5"9' or so and 200 and something lbs 240 or 270 I think

That is a pretty high weight for 5'9" depending on his body style. Tobacco, caffeen, all that could affect it. The stuff he eats will probably only affect the way he... tastes... if you catch my drift. Tobacco can make his taste bitter too though.
Had no clue he was 15 hours away. No wonder he can't stop masterbating. If you only have sex once a month it's a little hard to make yourself last a full month if you're a very sexual guy. I just don't know here. I still say he needs to go see the doctor about it.
Doc will probably say stop masterbating, but then again he/she may have some more insight into this problem.
Sex is really a mental game too though. I can be hard and not be into it. I can not beinto it and go limp. Its all about making himself see you as a new fantasy every time. And I don't mean imagine being with another person but he needs to like imagine that you are who you are but are a stranger to him that he just met. That'll get him lol, always does me. He can imagine you as yourself in whatever situation he wants you to be in, whether it is really the situation doesn't really matter although if he is going to pretend something it may be helpful that he tells you what it is so that you can help his fantacy seem more real.
:) just some helpful hints if it isn't a physical problem

One more suggestion is for him to not masterbate for two weeks before seeing you. Perhaps that'll help out a lot too.

that is a pretty high weight for 5'9" depending on his body style. Tobacco, caffeen, all that could affect it. The stuff he eats will probably only affect the way he.....tastes.... if you catch my drift. tobacco can make his taste bitter too though.
Had no clue he was 15 hours away. No wonder he can't stop masterbating. If you only have sex once a month its a little hard to make yourself last a full month if you're a very sexual guy. I just don't know here. I still say he needs to go see the doctor about it.
Doc will probably say stop masterbating, but then again he/she may have some more insight into this problem.
Sex is really a mental game too though. I can be hard and not be into it. I can not beinto it and go limp. its all about making himself see you as a new fantasy everytime. And I don't mean imagine being with another person but he needs to like imagine that you are who you are but are a stranger to him that he just met. That'll get him lol, always does me. He can imagine you as yourself in whatever situation he wants you to be in, whether or not it is really the situation doesn't really matter although if he is going to pretend something it may be helpful that he tells you what it is so that you can help his fantacy seem more real.
:) just some helpful hints if it isn't a physical problem

Haha yeah he's a long ways away and he usually only stays here for a week or two but we try to play and have sex as often as possible when he's here... I wondered if maybe part of the problem is that I don't make noise when we have sex I'm very quiet and trying to make myself make noise is just weird to me.. but I did do it once and he still went limp and it still took for ever.

Also two other weird things I've stumbled on is the one day we had sex 3 times and it seemed the more we had sex the faster he orgasmed. And two giving him blowjobs seems to make him last longer but I think that's got something to do with anxiety cause he doesn't want to come in my mouth.

That's weird... I want to do that myself. I wish I could get off via bj but it just doesn't happen for me. Oh well...

I don't know, maybe its because the mixture of feelings is confusing to his body.. And man this guy is totally backwards... the more you do it in a row the quicker it happens... I just don't get it, its usually the more you do it the longer each one takes... I am totally lost here Carol... sorry

i thought maybe it might be a diet thing cause he drinks a LOT of pop/energy drinks (rockstars) and stuff

I think you're correct in this. While some studies have shown the opposite effects with smaller dosages, the mega doses of caffeine and related stimulants in "energy drinks" tend to cause the peripheral blood vessels to tighten up, preventing the distension necessary to sustain erection.

He will go through withdrawal when he starts cutting back, but he needs to if he's to sustain a healthy sex life.

Well I emailed him info on symptoms of diabetes and stuff and he has decided to go see the doctor and get some blood work done he also agrees that the sugary drinks my also have something to do with our little problem so he is going to cut back.. I feel kind of bad for him though I know how hard it is to try and be healthy and eat healthy when junk food is so convenient. I have to work on eating better and getting exercise too.*sniffle*

As mentioned and talked about, a part of living healthy (and that includes a healthy sex life) is... uh... healthy living...

Maybe the dumbest thing I've written all month.

Point is the lack of exercise is what strikes me. Personally, I see a big difference in drive and performance depending on whether I'm regularly exercising... and studies have shown this to be often effective in men who are capable of having quality orgasms, but struggling with ED and libido.

How is his sleep? Not just is he getting the hours, but is it quality sleep? Feels rested?

So...

You think he is anxious about performance. Fine. During any of these sessions have you given him the "green light" to just focus on himself? To not worry about you? Or maybe take care of you first with oral or manual stim or additional stim while you manually self help? I guess I'm wondering if he's putting up a big mental block to hold back while you get there and then he's having a hard time tearing that down...

Also, there's commonly a lot of talk about foreplay as needed for the woman to be able to mentally release and be in the moment. I do agree that its good to take the time to prime the mind. I do believe many of the things considered foreplay should be held back for sex... foreplay can be much simpler and directed while saving some great sensations to push a lover over a plateau. And I believe a man can also have a need for real foreplay and this often gets ignored.

For ex... I've inadvertently "trained myself" to be aroused by sensual touch and performing oral on a woman. Now... this might seem like a "duh... why wouldnt you be aroused" statement, but its not that simple. Directed, purposeful touch can sometimes take focus and concentration, which can prevent a person from really just being in the moment.

But these were things that I found consistently "worked" to either get a lover to orgasm or sensitized for good sex. Over time, that massage became something I almost needed to do... it was a part of the rhythm... skin on skin sensitization through my hands became a lot more than a foreplay "check item" for her... I found when I didn't take or have time for 20 minutes of hands on skin, I wasn't as mentally in the moment. There might be something "missing"... doesn't mean spontaneity was lost, but I certainly did notice a difference in mental state.

So... what mentally drives him? The "get into their mind before you get into their pants" line works in both directions. This does not mean you aren't in his head. It doesn't mean there's anything missing or wrong. But it does respect the fact that sometimes we lose a little of the sensual tension with familiarity.

You mention a lack of "noise" during sex. Is this just how you naturally respond or is there an issue with privacy?

He doesn't sleep well on average but he sleeps worse at my house not sure why probably because I have to play tug-o-war with him cause he's a blanket hog and that wakes him up sometimes. I always give him the green light to concentrate only on himself but he never listens always worried about me and I've told him if it hurts or bugs me ill let him know.. I actually got a little annoyed at him once for worrying about me too much and not doing it for himself. And yes we have tried taking care of me before hand he still worried more about me then himself. We do foreplay but its mainly about him.. I do all the things he likes to get him aroused and don't really bother too much with myself.. I do the touching and kissing and even oral on him before hand, no he doesn't do oral on me I won't let him its not cause its taboo or anything I'm just uneasy about it and not sure I want him to do it. I think my not really letting him go below the waist even with his hands thing doesn't help but he complained once about stubble and ever since I've been uncomfortable about him being around there. As for noise its just how I naturally respond even trying to make noise makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward. I also think he talks too much during sex it really bugs me.