I am 34 years old and have been married for 17 years. My husband and I married when I was 17 and he had two children from a previous marriage. We also have three boys between us.

I love my family and I love my husband, but there are a lot of issues that I am trying to deal with. The main issue being that I feel like I am trapped and that he is controlling me – but I don’t know if it’s him or just me.

Up until four years ago we had some seriously physical altercations. Though they weren’t all the time, there were a few bad situations. When I almost left him (four years ago) that put a halt on a lot of issues. We worked things out and have been doing well. However there are still issues and some seem to be getting worse again.

When he comes home from work he gets ready for the gym and off we go. He is very strict about working out and he doesn’t like it if I miss the gym for any reason. He then comes home and goes right to our room to his computer. This is where he stays the rest of the night until it is time to go to bed.

He is a very loving and affectionate man. He likes to make me smile and give me things, but he is also high maintenance. He controls many aspects of my time and life. He has to talk to me as much as possible through the day and see me whenever possible. At home he wants me by his side and where he is at all times. He gets jealous if I spend too much time with our boys or doing anything else that takes time away from him. I don’t mind spending time with him or talking on the phone, but sometimes I can’t when I am at work and he becomes upset about it.

He is a very load and straight forward individual and this has been hard to deal with. He embarrasses me in public with his view on some issues and his comments that are inappropriate. I find myself apologizing form him, making excuses and lying at times.

If I have an opposing view about anything, I am wrong and there is no other way around it. He will argue with me on how wrong I am and become verbally abusive if I don’t agree with him. Basically he tries to force me to see things his way. This is a big problem!

Our children don’t go on field trips out of town, they don’t get to go to family members during breaks, and they don’t do things that we did as kids. They are not allowed to do anything unless it is with us. I disagree with this and it is starting to get worse. I hate the way they are always stuck at home and so I let them go to their friends houses and even to the pool with their cousins. He is not happy about this.

I try so hard to avoid confrontation. It is so bad that I have to think about what I say before I say it, just to make sure that I am saying it in a way that won’t cause problems. I worry that what I say will come back at me – and will cause a fight. No matter who is right or wrong in a fight, I am wrong. If I refuse to admit I am wrong, then he will pout, make me feel guilty or continue the fight until I cry and give in.
He has become increasingly harsh and snappy. He refuses to go to counseling because he believes they are brainwashers and we shouldn’t air our dirty laundry. He is very judgmental and critical of other people. So much that he will call a perfect stranger names. He has a short fuse and I don’t like to tempt it. When I try to talk to him about things he throws it right back at me. He says I am hormonal and that I imaging things or that I never listen to him and his feelings. I try to but his feelings always seem to blame me for everything, because I don’t see things the way he does. Everything is good as long as I agree with him.

Please understand he is not like this all of the time. He can also be one of the sweetest and most loving people I know. He is funny and encouraging in a lot of ways. He tells people what a wonderful wife I am and how much he loves me. He tells them so many good things about me that it embarrasses me. He provides well for our family. Everyone who knows us thinks we have a perfect marriage. I can’t talk to anyone and I don’t want anyone to think bad about him. Even our boys love him, but they get very upset with him too. They don’t like when he gets mad at me for stupid things.

Perfect example: My brother and his family were here for a week. I visited with them as much as possible, because I only see them once a year. He would come out of the room some, but mostly he just stayed in there. He became very angry with me over a popsicle carried into the living room by a baby. I wasn’t happy about it either, but he yelled at me that I had better start handling my guests. He also became upset because dinner wasn’t done on time one night and my some commented “let me guess, dinner wasn’t done on time right”. He only gets angry if it has been a while since he last ate. He has to eat every 2-3 hours in order to gain wait (bodybuilder). Never the less it hurt when my son said that. Then he became very angry with me because he doesn’t like something my doctor said and he threatened me if I didn’t find another doctor. I refused to agree with him this time and he is still fuming over it. He thinks my doctor is a moron and government led. He kept making comments about me not spending time with him and ordering me to bed at certain times.

He has a way of making me feel guilty about things so I stop or change what I am doing in order to avoid a fight. He kept making comments about me eating lunch with coworkers and how I didn’t have time to talk to him. So now I eat alone, unless he comes to have lunch with me.

I know that he loves me very much, but I am tired of making excuses and giving up things I want to accommodate him. At the same time I feel like I am being selfish and cruel to think like this. I wonder if I am just making it more than what it is or am I imaging it.

The worst part is, lately all I can think about or imagine is what life would be like if had died. How life would be for my kids and I. I have to be some kind of crazy person to think this way!

How could I even imagine throwing away 17 years of marriage, and doing that to my kids? What would people think?

Please tell me what you think, I am utterly confused, and scared.

Thank you,

With his anger issues being a boby builder, I wonder if its not 'Roid rage... where he is using illegal steroids. That's a common side effect, and a shortcut to doing it the old fashioned way... hard work alone.. I've actually seen that with others I knew in the past. That however is no free pass for what it causes basically his behaviour.

I'll say the man sounds like he has issues... respect for others being just one.

The keeping kids nearby may or may not be an issue... it depends on your area. Its just not safe today for kids to do what we did growing up 30-40 years ago. A sad but true fact. And one of the very few points I might see some validity with you say he has done. But you really have to be inside his head to know WHY. It might be what I said... it might be a simple controlling thing.


The man really does need to see someone... I see many different things that justify that assessment.

First off let me appologize - I must have been frustrated, because my spelling sucks.

Thank you for your insight. I hope that somehow I can stear through the confusion and figure this out. For my family!

If he is in fact using illegal steroids... you need to know. He can very well become dangerous when he goes off.

He isn't using anything right now. He has in the past and it never made him any worse than normal, but he hasn't for over 6months.

Like I said, he is a very loving man.
But he believes he is never wrong and that he is the head of the house and we are required to obey. When we don't - then he is like Mr. Hyde.
If I have a different opinion than him then I am not supporting him and I am making him look bad. Im just confused! I feel like we need to leave him, but I love him and he loves us. But I don't think he will change - He says that if people don't like him for who he is then F them.

I honestly do not feel that you should throw away the marriage either. The thing is it sounds like you just short in saying that he abused you physically. The abuse you are getting now in my own opinion is emotional abuse and very controlling ways. There is no doubt that he is very controlling. Yet you allow him to control you. So that is a major problem in your marriage as well. Your always making excuses for his behavior and you are always listening to what he has to say.

As far as being protective over the kids, I can see why.
Let me ask you a question. There could be many things that is causing him to behave this way.

Obsessive compulsive disorder. I would also like to know whether he has always been this way in your marriage? When did it start, if there was a starting point?

To tell you where to sit at lunch with co workers is a big crock of s-it. What right does he have to tell you who you can sit with or can not sit with or talk too.

It is nice though that he wants you by his side but there needs to be some kind of leeway. I would also like to know more about his back ground. The way he was raised. His family information because there can be so many factors in his behavior.

I also suggest that if he refuses counseling that you should take up counseling yourself, because maybe going on your own will give you ideas and new ways of how to deal with this type of personality in your life. That very well may help in your marriage.

He defiantly needs to see one, but understand that many people think it is not okay because they feel like they are failing or it could effect there marriage in a bad way.

The thing is many people seek out counsel and it does not mean that it is the end of the world but a beginning of a way to look at life differently. Just like any profession there are good ones, and bad ones. The good ones will guide you in a way that will help yourself in your situation but not actually do it for you.

The work and changes have to work through you and your husband.

Take care and I hope the best for a positive outcome for your whole family.

Joe

He isnt using anything right now. He has in the past and it never made him any worse than normal, but he hasnt for over 6months.

Like i said, he is a very loving man.
But he believes he is never wrong and that he is the head of the house and we are required to obey. When we dont - then he is like Mr. Hyde.
If I have a differnt opinion than him then I am not supporting him and I am making him look bad. Im just confused! I feel like we need to leave him, but I love him and he loves us. But I dont think he will change - He says that if people dont like him for who he is then F them.
Well, those effects do wear off... and they can make someone do things they previously might not have. If he has in fact stopped using them that's one good thing.

I do NOT agree with his take on if you differ in opinion from what he thinks...


THe last statement - He says that if people dont like him for who he is then F them. really isn't that unusual. Or wrong. After all, nobody else bows to what you want... so why should you bow to them.

Most adults think that way even if they might not want to admit it.


I'll admit... 17 years of marriage he isn't going to change. Not without a life threatening experience anyway. If he is unwilling to work with a counselor and you, then you might have to seriously consider leaving.

People have disputes, or arguments at times... but threatening your partner is never acceptable. Particularly if you just happen to be bigger and stronger than they are.

Im afraid that it would take many more pages to answer the few questions asked.

I will tell you this - I feel like I am deceiving him just by asking this question here. And I feel really guilty!

He was raised by a very strict father and a very loving mother. He was always running around and doing things with his family and friends.

I too am very protective of my children, but I feel my kids need to be around more of their family.

He is not always verbal about his dislike with things, but he has many ways of making his point known without words. He is a master at making me feel guilty.

I can't tell you all how good it feels getting this off my chest - but at the same time I have a huge sickening feeling in my stomach for doing it.

Like I said before - I am confused.

He can be one of the sweetest and romantic people I have ever known.

But he can also go of the deep end at a moments notice. He calls me names if I try to argue and he makes some very bad comments about me.

Most of our fights relate to me standing against him for the kids sake. He can get really mean with his words! But he always tryes to make ammends afterwords.

I am tired and I am afraid I am going crazy! Why do I keep daydreaming of leaving him or what life would be like if he died. I feel so bad because today he is as sweet as honey, but I am secretly thinking of all of this constantly.

Sorry - but there is so much that I can't say and so much I need too.

I guess I wish someone would tell me I am crazy and to get over it.

You sound like me many years ago. My ex-husband was a bully and a chronic manipulator. He was abusive in more ways than one. I suffered because I was far from home with nobody to talk too and no money to get away. I didn't tell my folks because I knew what my Dad would have done. I still have scars on my body from the blows he inflicted and I think I would have ended up dead, but after my child was born I fought back and left.

I did not want my child to grow up walking on eggshells because her Dad didn't like what I cooked or see him kicking me on the legs and slapping me in the face because I read the newspaper before he did. I listened to him screaming at her one night because she was crying and she wasn't even nine months old. He was screaming like he had lost his mind and that's when I went a little insane. He bears a scar from that incident.

I left and never went back and for a long time I was leery of a any man who tried to talk to me. I was raised in a wonderful home and I never, ever heard my Dad or Mom get loud in an argument. Please look at your options and get your kids out! Like the other post says, he is probably on steroids and they are sooo dangerous.You can do it! Be careful and have someone there if you decide to leave.

He is a ticking time bomb. Please know, I am so sorry for what you're going through and we will help you find the right answers. There are experts here who will give you some great advice. I'm not an expert, but I have been exactly where you are now. Don't feel hopeless and I will pray for you. God Be with you and your children.:)

Your not crazy. Your afraid. He has been emotionally abusing you and your always walking around egg shells and are not happy obviously. These feelings you have are all normal for the environment your in.

You are getting all of this off your chest. It is good. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Also it is always good to get opinions. From people outside of your situation because it can be looked at more objectively.

I am happy that your hear sharing your situation with us and I hope it helps to gain some perspective and yes it would take a long time to get all of it out, but that is what we are here for.

As long as you need to talk we are all hear with our different ideas and thoughts and hope just knowing that you do have somebody that listens to your concerns will help you move forward in some way.

Thank you for your prayers.

Please no that he doesn't physically abuse me. He knows that would be the end. Four years ago the physical fighting between us ended. I told him I was done and would not deal with it anymore. I was not totally innocent to the physical fights. Almost losing me, scared him enough to avoid a physical confrontation.

I garuntee you that on our anniversary I will be showered with roses and gifts, allong with affection and love.
And I will hate myself for ever thinking bad of him.

Tell me, did you ever second guess yourself? I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. One moment I don't love him and need to leave and the other I chastise myself for thinking bad of him and decieving him.

I am so lost!

You married at 17, how old was he that he already had children?

From what I have read thus far,I would say he is a manipulator,has control issues,insecurities that are more than the 'average' person..

If you feel threatened by even writing about this, don't you think it might be time for a change?

Do you want to be treated as an equal to him,or stay under his thumb?Do you want more say-so about the kids without things becoming an argument?It sounds like you do.

I suggest this site, Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm) by setting a boundary you draw a line in the sand,you make your side of the relationship heard, then let it go, you don't have control over the outcome,you can only make your intentions clear.

You seem to be carrying a lot of weight around, when does it let up?When are you going to 'spread your wings' and be a free person,one who makes her own decisions?

I am not saying leave him, I am also not saying stay, you must decide for yourself what you want.

Insane? no way, if you are,so are many others,, my mother has 'put up' with dads controlling,your wrong,I'm right,issues and has been warped into the person she is today, she found an outlet for all that frustration, she drinks wine to excess, sounds like a Hollywood story, but it's true non-the-less:(

I hope you don't end up having to second guess your every move like mom does, it'll break you eventually.

Hope this is helpful!

Thank you for your prayers.

Please no that he doesnt physically abuse me. He knows that would be the end. Four years ago the physical fighting between us ended. I told him I was done and would not deal with it anymore. I was not totally innocent to the physical fights. Almost loosing me, scared him enough to avoid a physical confrontation.

I garuntee you that on our anniversary I will be showered with roses and gifts, allong with affection and love.
And I will hate myself for ever thinking bad of him.

Tell me, did you ever second guess yourself? I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. One moment I dont love him and need to leave and the other I chastise myself for thinking bad of him and decieving him.

I am so lost!

Of course I did! When you love someone you will find reasons which seem plausible at the the time. Let me give you some examples!


The first time he yelled at me was two weeks after we were married and he did it front of all his friends. I cried. He said he was sorry I forgave.

The verbal abuse came if I mentioned getting a job or coming home to see my mom and dad, even though my dad would pay for my plane ticket.

The first time he hit me I was so shocked and hurt I couldn't believe it.
I went to his sisters house and he actually cried saying how much he loved me and it would never happen again and there was always the making up.

After a year of hell and another year of ER visits for broken bones and a concussion, I decided to leave, but I found out I was pregnant.

Excuse.. I loved him and he would change once our child was born.
Excuse number two. I want my child to have both parents.
Excuse number three He can be so sweet sometimes, maybe it is my fault.
Excuse number four How will I raise my child without a father.
Excuse number five, I'm afraid he'll kill me if he knows I'm planning on leaving.

I have posted my experiences on this forum more than once and let me tell you he did have a sense I was planning on leaving. He tore into me like he had lost his mind and started screaming at our baby who woke up screaming. I fought for my life, I really believe that. There was something in his eyes that was pure evil. I hit him with a wooden bowl and the blood from his head blinded him. I grabbed my baby and I ran.
I never went back and thank God I didn't. I have a wonderful husband and he's the only Dad my child has ever known. I hope I helped you! Keep us posted and stay with us Okay? God Bless:)http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Walsh

I agree with the others here...

While I am a guy... I have seen manipulators of both genders over the years... and he is definitely manipulating you... even if it may not be as clear that it might be abuse as well.

THink about it... super nice when he gets his way... super nasty when he doesn't.
That's not part of a normal relationship. Does my wife do things I dislike at times... certainly, does she at times infuriate me? Certainly... but I never play those sorts of games. Oh I let her know I'm not happy... but I don't feel a need to intimidate her when its something I might not really like.

You do need to keep a close tab with those frequent wild swings he goes through. Moody is one thing... this is beyond moody. You do ultimately have to make that decision... when enough is enough. Just know that its yours to make... and that you may actually have to do it.

Again I want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers and suggestions.

First of all I am going to try and work things out, get him to see what he is doing and hope that he will change. I owe it to my children to try.

I'll let you know what happens! Thank you again and God bless all of you.

Again I want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers and suggestions.

First of all I am going to try and work things out, get him to see what he is doing and hope that he will change. I owe it to my children to try.

I'll let you know what happens! Thank you again and God bless all of you.

Daydream... We're here if you need us. Please be careful and please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing! Blessings:)

Hey Daydreamer!
Wow what a story! Ok first question is, was he always like this, or is it something that just came about? Second question- how long has he been body building?

It definitely sounds like he is a master manipulator. My father daughter was (is) like that.
At first it was small things like not going out for lunch with my co- workers, he missed me too much during the day, and while he didn't want to meet me for lunch he expected me to stay in close to my phone in case he called. Well I thought I would get a cell phone for those days. Next thing I knew I was spending the whole lunch hour in the bathroom or outside talking to him, trying to assure him I wasn't on a date or making fun of him with my friends.

Then it was if I was going to be away for a meeting, he would just happen to show up out of town where I was to meet for lunch. At first I thought this was really nice, all my friends and co workers couldn't believe that he was willing to travel 3 hours out of town to meet me for lunch. Little did they know we spent the whole lunch arguing because I was talking to a male co-worker.

Then it turned into me going to bed, no, not just going into the same room and laying down with him, but actually lights out go to sleep when he did. If he would awake and I was laying there awake, he would get mad, turn it around on me, say things like "obviously you can't stand laying next to me you feel that uncomfortable that you can't sleep".

Then it turned into what clothes I was allowed to wear and on what days. Was not allowed to wear jeans on casual day, they were too provocative, wasn’t allowed to wear purple shirts on days I was wearing my hair down etc...

And then it was when friends came over (I was NOT allowed to leave the house without him) he would yell at me if they chewed their gum too loud, or smoked too often, or ate chips on the couch or brought movies over. It was a night mare. I stopped having people over.

Then it turned into I was not allowed to shower when he wasn't home. So if I got home from my WEEKEND job as a waitress, I was not allowed to shower or change out of my uniform for sometimes 4 hours, until he came home.

It did finally end in physical abuse for me unfortunately. I started standing up for myself, wouldn’t back down, wouldn't agree to his ridiculous out looks on life, so a punch in the mouth was in order. And it escalated from there. I left him 3 years ago, 2 days ago.
I am not saying you guys have to end that way or are going to end that way, but if you feel that you need to seek outside help with your relationship I strongly advise you to do that. If you are frightened you need to tell someone. You are a grown woman and no one should ever make you feel like that!

Wow Aurora-Bell,

I definitely think you had it worse than me. I am glad to hear that you got out of that situation.

To answer your questions, he has always been this way. More so sometimes than others, but he tends to back down on some issues if he sees that I am not going to tolerate it. On the other hand I think he is getting worse lattely. And yes he has always been a body builder.

I am trying to stand my ground more offten, I can see there is tension because of this, but he doesn't push it!

I think he sees that I am not budging any more on many things, but I am still taking it slow so that it doesn't blow up all at once.

Wow Aurora-Bell,

I definately think you had it worse than me. I am glad to hear that you got out of that situation.

To answer your questions, he has always been this way. More so sometimes than others, but he tends to back down on some issues if he sees that I am not going to tolerate it. On the other hand I think he is getting worse lattely. And yes he has always been a body builder.

I am trying to stand my ground more offten, I can see there is tension because of this, but he doesnt push it!

I think he sees that I am not budging any more on many things, but I am still taking it slow so that it doesnt blow up all at once.


Stay strong! He is the one who is going to lose everything! Not YOU!
We are here for you.:)

It doesn't matter who had it worse, what matters now is your mental well being. I was just trying to show how things can escalate before your eyes. I wasn't trying to put it on me, sorry if it came across that way :)

Well Daydreamer, if you ever need an ear to listen, we are all here. If you want advice on how to go about confronting him, getting professional help, or finding some time for yourself, we're all here!

I wish you all the best!

The reason I was asking about body building, is because I was wondering if you think he might be using some sort of enhancements?

Are you kidding me? I believe this is absolutely an abusive relationship! Where do you live? The US, last I checked we are all entitled to our own opinions.what's up with the computer thing? Has he no time for family relationships? I'd choose actual reality over virtual reality anytime, sounds to me like he has some serious issues, if he is not willing to see someone, I think maybe you should go on your own. You should not have to live in fear of retribution, simply for having a differing opinion. Personally I'd run from this situation,but if you are willing to put up with it, then that is your choice. I'd be concerned about the children and how this all will effect their future relationships.

Riod rage? Quite possible

Insecure man? Likely

Children effected negatively? Probably

Counseling? Definitely

Truly you have a serious problem, your choice is your own, but remember, that the children are the most important consideration.

Are you kidding me? I believe this is absolutely an abusive relationship! Where do you live? the US, last I checked we are all entitled to our own opinions.what's up with the computer thing? has he no time for family relationships? I'd choose actual reality over virtual reality anytime, sounds to me like he has some serious issues, if he is not willing to see someone, I think maybe you should go on your own. You should not have to live in fear of retribution, simply for having a differing opinion. personally I'd run from this situation,but if you are willing to put up with it, then that is your choice. I'd be concerned about the children and how this all will effect their future relationships.

riod rage? quite possible

insecure man? likely

children effected negatively? probably

counseling? definitely

truly you have a serious problem, your choice is your own, but remember, that the children are the most important consideration.




Please take the advice of the people on this forum. You deserve to live happily. You are no one's possession. Don't live your live with doubt and fear. You have friends. Think about your children.:)

Update -
Well I am still sticking to my guns. Now the argument is worse. My 16 year old wants to attend a military school for a six month program because he is having a lot of trouble in school and I don't want him to drop out. My husband is mad! I told him I am going to let him do it, and he is not happy. Totally against it, because we will only get to see him once in the six months that he attends.
The first day I brought it up he yelled at me and spit in my face. He said it was a slap in his face that I was fighting him on this issue. Latter he called me and appologized. Now he hasn't spoke to me much for the last five days and he just mopes around.
My two older boys have told me how they feel and I am amazed at everything they see!
I am trying to work with these situations to save my marriage, but I am not sure if it will work.

Military school can do wonders for an education. Your 16 year old may have had problems in the public school with the distractions there, but he seems like a smart kid. It's a huge leap... and its clear they really want to do better.

I know someone who put their son in a military school because of problems he was having and the circle of friends he had there... several years later he did fantastic... graduated with honors.. and is in the Navy and on the right track. A total reversal had he not gone. He would have likely dropped out and/or ended up with a gang.

You do realise there is a time to give up and move on... YOU have to determine when enough is enough.

The man has issues... and unless he see's it, and takes action to correct it... I see only misery for you.

He spat in your face?

Congrats on your son,and I am glad you are sticking to your guns, but I can't get past the spitting in your face.

I know how hard it is, you want to make things work, but only you can decide when enough is enough. I hope you see this sooner than later.

Thanks for the update! Be safe :)

I would have pulled his tongue out of mouth and said "Spit Now, You ----------" Men like this infuriate me!

UPDATE - Well I have good news! My husband has decided that he doesn't want to loose his family. He loves us too much! So we are starting family counceling ASAP. After getting upset yesterday on the phone he realized what he was doing and appologized to me. I asked him if he would be willing to go to counceling with the boys and I since he new I was already working on it- and he said yes. He says that his family means more to him then anything else and he wants to try to fix things. My boys are even excited! A lot of work will need to be done, but I think we all see things in a brighter light now that everyone is on the same page. God is truelly watching over us!

Good luck Daydreamer! I wish nothing but the best for you and your family!

Good luck Daydreamer! I wish nothing but the best for you and your family!




Good Luck DayDreamer.. :)

I just did a Google search with "no one believes my husband is abusive" and found your question. I could have written your story. The difference with my husband is that he is PERFECT for everyone else. My friend "diagnosed" my husband with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is NOT the same as OCD (counting, cleaning, etc.). Most of it fit for my husband, but it sounds like it fits EXACTLY for your husband. Here is a link with a very good description of the disorder (by the way, do NOT tell your husband that he has this, or any other problem, they ACTUALLY BELIEVE they are acting appropriately, are correct about everything, etc. and because of this therapists I have contacted have said they are very difficult to treat, if it is even possible, because they can't see any flaws in themselves). OCD ONLINE - The RIGHT Stuff - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety (http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson6.php)
Btw, I am divorcing my husband but can't tell him or anyone. I am scared to death, but more scared of living another day married to him.

I just did a google search with "no one believes my husband is abusive" and found your question. I could have written your story. The difference with my husband is that he is PERFECT for everyone else. My friend "diagnosed" my husband with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is NOT the same as OCD (counting, cleaning, etc.). Most of it fit for my husband, but it sounds like it fits EXACTLY for your husband. Here is a link with a very good description of the disorder (by the way, do NOT tell your husband that he has this, or any other problem, they ACTUALLY BELIEVE they are acting appropriately, are correct about everything, etc., and because of this therapists I have contacted have said they are very difficult to treat, if it is even possible, because they can't see any flaws in themselves). OCD ONLINE - The RIGHT Stuff - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety (http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson6.php)
Btw, I am divorcing my husband but can't tell him or anyone. I am scared to death, but more scared of living another day married to him.

Hope you are doing well!

I agree. Drug users very often lie to cover up that they are using and it sounds like he can't control his behavior. Steroids will do that.

My mum went through years of mental abuse from my dad.

My dad is in a wheelchair and has been for over 30 years. Things started fine with my dad. Then as time went by he got worse and worse.

He would tell my mum off if dinner wasn't on the table at 6 pm. He also would tell my mum off if he didn't have a cup of tea sitting on his table at 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm and 8pm. Other than that if my mum went out she was neglecting him. If she had to take me and my sisters to dancing and was out all day, he would say that were are greedy little children who don't deserve dance lessons.

He called out to her 100 times a day for other things then his cups of tea. He told her she treated him badly and he deserved better treatment and if she didn't treat him better he would tell everyone.

As it was my mum had limited friends as he would scare them away by telling them to f*** off out of his house as he didn't like them. My mum stayed with him because everyone around kept saying he's in a wheel chair cut him some slack. She was too worried about what everyone else would think of her if she left him.

He is damn lucky she kept him so long and didn't chuck him out when she found out he had cheated on her before and after they got married. Plus on average full time careers last 6 years max. He drained her life for 30 years.

He gave her depression and other problems. He also made me and my sisters cry every night.

The day my mum decided to put him in a nursing home was because I couldn't stand to see her living like that anymore. So I said to her either he goes or I go.

He has been in a nursing home for about a month now and she is finally getting her life back on track. She can go where and when she wants. She can have dinner when she wants. She doesn't have to listen to the abuse... She is also healthier and losing weight.

I know your story is different but it is similar. Your sons are feeling it the same way me and my sisters did. It won't be too long before they can't take it any longer. You have to tell your husband that unless he gets therapy and controls his anger you will leave him. Because that's what's best for you!

I stayed in a abusive marriage for many years because I was young and really believed in marriage I prayed so hard for God to give me a job that I would be able to support me and my two children. So God blessed me with a job and it was enough to support us but I stayed in this marriage. It was mostly like yours verbal abuse, but as I said mostly but not just. So for years I allowed myself and my kids to be subject to his behavior. When my kids were maybe nine and four I finally left but it was after he had me put in jail I am in law enforcement and almost made me loose my job. So now my kids are 21 and 25 and they still are suffering from the effects of my choices. Now I'm left every day of my life feeling guilty. In the end children respect and learn from strength and good choices. I wish I had been stronger. Abuse whether it is verbal or physical will make your children insecure and doubt themselves. It will teach them not to make hard good choices. I'm not telling you to walk away, but really pay attention. If you are asking yourself these questions and feeling this way you already know the answer Sometimes it just feel so good to let somebody know what's going on. Eat with people at lunch start doing things for yourself. Even something that small will make you feel stronger. Abusers always try to alienate you from other people that's how they keep their control. God bless and protect you and your children.

Hi Op, firstly you're not wrong to tell others about the life you're being virtually forced to live, plus if you left your SO no one would blame you, he tells everyone he loves you and that you're such a good wife as a form of smoke screen so as to give the appearance that he's a gvreat husband.

As for what would people say, well what would they say if he pushed you so far you had a breakdown? It wouldn't be anyone else's business.

In answer to your original question, yes your SO is abusive very, no you're not imagining it, he is abusing you and your sons. Verbally and psychologically, and that is the very worse kind of abuse going, it is by far worse than physical abuse, its also done in such a way that means he looks squeaky clean. Please read the following, and if you need more proof click link after the text.

Does your partner:

ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can't win? Damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change... especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

Verbal Abuse source: Pat Stubbs
The consequences of emotional and verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional and verbal abuse may cause long term self esteem issues.

Listed below are some examples of emotional and verbal abuse:
When a person is threatened, intimidated, humiliated, yelled at, or blamed, and made to feel inferior or stupid;
Constant emotional or verbal assaults that make someone feel sad, worthless and/or unwanted;
Name calling, making them feel crazy, playing mind games, and blame shifting;
Using words and feelings to strike out, embarrass, shame, insult or reject;
May include excessive, aggressive or unreasonable demands that are beyond a persons capacity;
Constant criticizing, belittling, insulting, and rejecting are all examples of emotional and verbal abuse.
Emotional and verbal abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life. Emotional and verbal abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth.

As children we are taught, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" in a sing song rhyme. That rhyme could not be further from the truth. The principle behind the message was to teach children physical violence shouldn't be used when someone calls you a name. The deeper message though teaches children to tolerate verbal abuse. By the time survivors become adults, the message to accept and tolerate verbal abuse is ingrained almost into our souls. Many times survivors themselves can not even recognize it.

What Is Abuse?
Abuse is a pattern of behavior that a person uses to try to control or dominate another person. Abuse does not have to be physical. The consequences of emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional abuse may cause long term self esteem issues.

This one is: Verbal Abuse
The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.
yelled at called names nagged at called racial slurs called stupid told no one else would want me talked to as a child constant put-downs ridiculed appearance threatened to kill me threatened to take the children belittled important things I accomplished told me I was stupid, ugly, dumb said I was an unfit mother embarrassed me in public told the children I was disgusting said I was a bad sex partner always screams at the children

There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They include:

Withholding: If there is a relationship, then there must be an exchange of information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal abuser may go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful interaction.

Jokes: This type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.

Trivializing: Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to detect as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestions.

Judging and criticizing: Usually this type of verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's feelings are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never satisfied...."; You're too sensitive.. "; "You don't know what you're talking about... "

Blocking and Diverting: This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished. Examples of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;" "Just drop it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?", etc.

Other types of verbal abuse include name calling, threatening, denial, undermining and ordering. All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

Still not convinced then click HERE (http://sites.google.com/site/selfhelprelationships/dvverbalabuse)

I know that he loves me very much,

,

I'm so sorry daydreamer, but you are daydreaming... what you described is a man who isn't capable of loving you. We all make mistakes, we all have our flaws AND no one on this earth can love perfectly because we are not perfect. BUT what you described is abuse... not love. I KNOW... the man you have described is hauntingly, and very disturbingly familiar. You are still so young... please, don't second guess yourself and don't subject your children to it. It is the only advise I can in good conscience give you.

BTW... below is a pretty darn good guideline for what love should look like ( although we all miss the mark from time to time) It is from the bible. It doesn't matter what religion you are or even if you believe in God, it is a great definition and something to think about. :)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This post is from March, and the OP has not been back. Wish she would have come back to let us know how she was doing...

PositiveParent's post was outstanding.. I'd have given a million greenies too but it looks as if he/she isn't on this site any longer.

Nope, she was another one who was caught in a spiral of lies and deceit. She is no longer a part of this site.