Multiple threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Hi,


I was nearly sure that I have found my Mr. Right. I met this guy online and even if we are oceans apart, he came to meet me in my home country and is currently staying for several months to wait on the processing of my fiancé visa. Things were going on so well until one morning when I came home from work, I was greeted by him at the door and him pushing me out saying we should talk outside. That was when I suspected that he was hiding something. I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that he brought home a girl he found drunk while he was playing billiards. He said he was bloodguilty about just leaving the drunk girl in the company of drunk guys who might take advantage of her. I got mad at him and said hurtful words but now he's mad that Im not trusting him. We had been staying under the same roof for a while until he realized we should be apart because we are not married yet. I respected that and went home in my hometown. It was so painful that after all his promises, he would cheat on me this way (he still denies this though). Should I believe him? He's a very spiritual person and says he did not have a one-night stand with the girl he took home. I find it so unbelievable. Please help.

I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that he brought home a girl he found drunk while he was playing billiards. He said he was bloodguilty about just leaving the drunk girl in the company of drunk guys who might take advantage of her

Quite frankly, I wouldn't trust him either. This is a poor excuse. If she was that drunk and he cared so much "about just leaving the drunk girl in the company of drunk guys who might take advantage of her" he should have called her a cab. I would leave him. He sounds like a sleazeball

People like to put on façades, and play up their good qualities in the early stages of a relationship. Situations with alcohol are really touchy. First of all, no one is immune from the temptation to cheat, and in those situations, you should be together as a couple to protect each other from that temptation. These are some boundaries you need to set in a relationship (no drinking individually in settings with both men and women, no riding alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex, etc.)

Why not sit down and talk to him more about this. If he is telling the truth, he should have no problem giving you this girl's number and allowing you to send her a text or a call asking about what happened that night. It's his job to earn your trust, not your job to pry the truth out of him.

You weren't there so you don't know for sure that they did anything but I know if my GF ever caught me with another woman at my house, Id be done for. Especially if it was a night out drinking.

The only person that can help you with this one is him. You really need to sit down and have a good chat with him and really find out whether you can trust him. Because if you can't, there's no reason to continue with the relationship

People like to put on facades, and play up their good qualities in the early stages of a relationship. Situations with alcohol are really touchy. First of all, no one is immune from the temptation to cheat, and in those situations, you should be together as a couple to protect each other from that temptation. These are some boundaries you need to set in a relationship (no drinking individually in settings with both men and women, no riding alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex, etc.)

I don't agree with this at all. I'm sorry. I agree that relationships have boundaries, but this sounds ridiculous to me. I've never felt the need to have to protect my boyfriend from the tempation of cheating. Yes, I agree that no one is immune from the tempation, but I shouldn't have to babysit the person I am with, or stick to them like glue wherever they go to prevent them from cheating on me. This is where the whole trust thing comes into play.

My boyfriend would laugh in my face if I ever told him he couldn't go out drinking without me if there were other girls around, or drive in another car with another woman. And quite honestly, I wouldn't put up with someone wanting that sort of control over my life. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. I go out to a lot of parties, where there are a lot of men, and no, my boyfriend isn't always there and I've never cheated because I love my boyfriend, I respect him, and I respect myself.

If your boyfriend is going to cheat, he will find a way to do it. You can't police a partner 100% of the time and it would be exhausting to try! What ever happened to go old trust?

I never said anything about babysitting, but this is common sense. It's not just about protecting your partner, it's more about protecting yourself. All the time, guys come up to me and give me compliments or hit on me. All the time, I tell them not to flirt with me. Why? Because those comments tend to flatter me, and the last thing I want is to be smitten by those compliments. I don't cheat on my fiancé because I love and respect him. But to think that I will never be tempted to cheat, is completely naiive. It's about avoiding those situations where I could be tempted to cheat. If I drink, I want my fiancé to be there. Why? Because when I'm under the influence of alcohol, I'm a tease, and he can be there to set things straight.

Why more or less chuck you out if he was the innocent protector of this female?

No,I smell a rat.

I wouldn't believe him,nor trust him.

Actions speak for themselves,something is not right here.

If you believe what he is saying, you are too naïve.

If he is Jesus or gay, I will believe what he said. Otherwise, who know what he has done behind of your back until you saw the incidence.

Men do not take strange drunken girl home to protect them when they are drunk ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT. Please do some research about him if you can. Something is very fishy.

Jamie90: Guys come up and flatter me compliment me all the time too, they also do it when my boyfriend is around. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with someone complimenting you or flattering you, and as long as they keep it respectful, I don't have a problem with it and neither does my boyfriend. He can appreciate that other people find me attractive, knowing very well that I'm with him.

He isn't worried that I might become smitten with their comments then jump their bones! And neither am I. Temptation to cheat will always be there, we're humans, and no amount of rules, control or boundaries can eliminate that temptation, but I believe if you love someone and pledge yourself to them, you should trust that both of you will maintain that faithfulness and ignore all temptations.

Trust is a major ingredient of a solid partnership.

I agree in the trust. I agree that we can't get rid of the temptation. But sometimes, you can't just ignore it, you should avoid it. Why? Because you really can't ignore it. Certain situations can cause distrust. Like the maker of this poll's situation: The guy took the woman home drunk, and he was drunk too. Maybe nothing happened, but they were setting themselves up for something to happen. Not only that, but he's caused distrust in the relationship, and it doesn't look good for him. If he had AVOIDED the situation by not being in the situation in the first place, it wouldn't have happened. Are you saying that this girl just needs to trust that nothing happened that night? Trust is important in a relationship yes. Do you suggest this girl just trusts this guy, or should she check it out, and set up a boundary like: "Hey guy, if you're drunk, and I'm not around, don't hangout with
drunk chicks. And if I'm drunk, and you're not around, i won't hangout with drunk guys." Seems like a good plan to me. To you, maybe it seems like an inconvienience, but then I would ask you why you would defend the idea of you being drunk with drunk guys... I would question if there was something going on. You can't just ignore these situations, and neither can your partner.

I defend the idea of me drinking with other guys when my boyfriend isn't around because I have a lot of very close guy friends and my partner is 100% okay with me drinking with them (or casually with other guys) because I have never done anything to make him ever question that trust. Yes, I agree that by trusting someone to go out and drink without you there, you're running the risk of getting into situations like this, but you know what? That's what makes trusting someone so special. Because I can go out with my girlfriends, while my boyfriend goes out drinking, and I am happy to say I don't worry about what he is up to.

While your theory of always being there when alcohol is involved would eliminate any chance of something fishy going on, in my opinion that's not trust and I would never be with someone if I felt like I had to always be there with them. This is just how I feel though, obviously.

I have a lot of guyfriends too. Actually, all of my friends are guys, to the point where I have guys as my "bridesmaids" in my wedding, and I've never had a 'girl night' in my life. So, if I'm going to drink, I have no choice but to drink exclusively with guys. My fiancé is okay with me drinking with them because he is there. I wouldn't drink with them by myself, that's just setting myself up for something bad to happen, plus why would I want to drink without my fiancé? It's too much fun to drink together. We've never done anything to break trust because we've always been careful of the situations we are put in, and we have no reason to lose each other's trust, and we don't put ourselves in situations where we might make each other suspicious, or might open ourselves to temptation.

Time to get back on topic-which was giving advice to the OP.

I have a lot of guyfriends too. Actually, all of my friends are guys, to the point where I have guys as my "bridesmaids" in my wedding, and I've never had a 'girl night' in my life. So, if I'm going to drink, I have no choice but to drink exclusively with guys. My fiance is okay with me drinking with them because he is there. I wouldn't drink with them by myself, that's just setting myself up for something bad to happen, plus why would I want to drink without my fiance? It's too much fun to drink together. We've never done anything to break trust because we've always been carefull of the situations we are put in, and we have no reason to lose each other's trust, and we don't put ourselves in situations where we might make each other suspicious, or might open ourselves to temptation.


I think that's really great about having the guys as bridesmaids! I will probably have the same thing if I ever get married! ;)

I suppose the only thing I don't understand is why you think drinking without your fiancé with your guy friends is setting yourself up for something bad to happen? I've never experienced this worry before so I suppose that's why I don't understand it... I've never worried about cheating on my boyfriend when I'm out drinking or thought I was setting myself up for something bad to happen.

My boyfriend has never cheated on me, and I've never cheated on him. In fact, he tells me all the time how much it means to him that I trust him like I do, and likewise. Whatever works and makes everyone happy! :)

Back to the OP, I really do believe you should sit down and talk with him... While I think you should be able to trust your boyfriend when you're not around, once that trust is broken you really need to re evaluate and decide whether it can be built back. I don't think it acceptable at all that he brought a girl home and you shouldn't accept any excuses he has for this.

@ americangirl-thats understandable!
@mred- how are you feeling and is this helping?

I don't worry about cheating on my boyfriend, I'm worried about that temptation. And yeah, being a 5' 110 lb woman, drunk with a bunch of drunk guys isn't such a great idea... whether you are taken or not. Alcohol does weird stuff to people, and it's just not a good idea.

Yeah back to the op. I'm sticking with my first advice.

I was greeted by him at the door and him pushing me out saying we should talk outside. That was when I suspected that he was hiding something. I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that he brought home a girl he found drunk while he was playing billiards.

Did he do that when he was in his hometown or when you 2 were together?

The only person that can help you with this one is him. You really need to sit down and have a good chat with him and really find out whether or not you can trust him. Because if you can't, there's no reason to continue with the relationship

This is really very helpful. I try to sit him down so many times but he evades me. Now we have cooled off and he says we can't be normal couples until 28 days of cool off. I thought it was his gentle way of breaking up with me

[QUOTE=AmericanGirl01;2280441]I
If your boyfriend is going to cheat, he will find a way to do it. You can't police a partner 100% of the time and it would be exhausting to try!

Does it follow that if you love a person, you should trust him completely. He gave me a reason to distrust him and I really feel betrayed. We have cooled off but still maintain our communication lines. He is now paranoid that I'm always checking up on him when I text or visit him

Maybe nothing happened, but they were setting themselves up for something to happen. Not only that, but he's caused distrust in the relationship, and it doesn't look good for him. If he had AVOIDED the situation by not being in the situation in the first place, it wouldn't have happened.


Exactly my sentiments. You have amazing insights!

Er works and makes everyone happy! :)
While I think you should be able to trust your boyfriend when you're not around, once that trust is broken you really need to re evaluate and decide whether it can be built back. I don't think it acceptable at all that he brought a girl home and you shouldn't accept any excuses he has for this.[/QUOTE]


Im really making lotsa re-evaluation about us. He's a very spiritual person and that confuses me if he actually could resist temptation and not lie to me. But as you say, it is unacceptable by all means to bring a girl home and for a guy and girl to stay alone together if they are tied to someone else. He tells me he has no remorse for what he did at all and would still repeat his action as the situation would call for


Alll comments and exchange of thoughts are highly appreciated and making me feel much better. My boyfriend (or soon to be ex) decided that we should cool off for 28 days and re-assess after that. We are on this day 3 of this cool off and he has stopped saying "i love you" for a week now. I wonder if he still has any feelings for me. He got really mad when I called his girl dirty and that only dirty guys go with dirty girls. Ive invested a lot of feelings in this relationship and would want to save it still but sometimes I feel stupid that he's not doing that much on his end

It seems like you guys hardly know each other. Things are starting to go downhill, and after only months into the relationship, you're on a break. It doesn't look too good, and it's very healthy for you to be thinking these things over. Just make sure that you're thinking about these things while pushing emotioins aside. Our emotions are deceptive, and can alter our perception of things. Discipline your mind to think realistically. Take a step back, and step out of your emotions. Hopefully things will get back on track for you!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=6225741

I posted this link so we all could see a bit of history to go along with other facts,

I met this guy online and even if we are oceans apart, he came to meet me in my home country and is currently staying for several months to wait on the processing of my fiancé visa.

Given you have a history of looking for "Mr. Right", some who have been married, or have girlfriends, is just an indication you fall really fast for some one that looks good on paper, and shows you interest, and I think this guy fits that bill, and again you just jump in, and make future plans for the rest of your life.

Too much, too fast, crash, and burn.

I think you not only rush into these guys too fast without knowing them, but your expectations are so high with these strangers, that you are not only desperate, but vulnerable to any guy who shows you the right attention.

Dump this guy, and walk away, as yet again you have allowed a guy to get close enough to do damage to you for his own agenda, and you just believe anything a guy says just because it fits what you want to hear. That makes you a target for guys that have their own motives and marriage and a happy life is not one of them.

Yes this guy is cheating on you, and as probably done so since he was with you. Wake up please, as while I admire your taking risks and being able to move on, its clear to see your choices in guys is not that great, and you do tend to rush in with a stranger before getting to know him, and are so single minded obsessed to have someone, you ignore the red flags that tell you that this ain't going to work.

Instead of looking for Mr. Right, and trying all these Mr. Wrongs, slow down, and pay better attention, and find out what they are really about, and that takes time, so control the impulsive, desperate need to just have some one, and stop getting so carried away by initial feelings
That are so short lived.

You want longer term happiness, take your time, and don't just rush in next time. You will surprise yourself. And make better choices for yourself.

Threads merged

My boyfriend recently broke up with me. He told me that lately he has just been trying to make things work for us but after a recent argument, he decided that we should part ways for good. I was so crushed and I had to bargain that I would change myself however he wanted because I wanted to save our relationship badly. Although he wouldn't be moved about his decision, he made efforts to comfort me and assure me that we could remain good friends. After much prayer and meditation, I have accepted our break-up and took the chance to talk to him (although he wouldn't want to talk anymore). I told him that I had also been doubting our relationship for some time but just wouldn't give up on us because that's the easier option (I love him and I don't want to find someone new). I said I was happy that he made the bolder move to break up if that's going to do us better and now we are good friends. After saying positive things about our break-up, I saw the big change in his behavior. He became angrier and disrespectful of me and would bar me from hanging out at the apartment we both shared and bulit together. I know he doesn't want us back together but it seems he doesn't want me happy either. Help

Why are you worried about him? You moved on, so go and be yourself and do what you want to do. Who cares how he feels

I think the best thing for you would be to totally distance yourself from him. His change in attitude and behavior sound like he is punishing you for doing what he wanted in the first place. You don't have to put up with it and you shouldn't put up with it.

The 'friendship' and 'hanging out at the apartment' sound like ways that a part of you has been hanging on to the relationship. Make certain that you have all of your stuff and that you have given him all of his stuff back then go No Contact (have absolutely no communication with him.) Put him completely out of your life. That way you won't be concerned about what he wants or doesn't want. You can focus on healing yourself and moving forward to the next relationship when you are ready.

I know it isn't the easiest path to take. However, I think you have had enough of letting him lead or shove you onto the paths he choses. It's time to make those hard decisions for yourself. It usually feels pretty good to realize you are free to walk away from the mess someone else is trying to make.

The stickies at the top of the board may have some information on breaking up, moving on, and No Contact that can help you get your life back to being 'yours'.

Good luck.

He became angrier and disrespectful of me and would bar me from hanging out at the apartment we both shared and bulit together. I know he doesn't want us back together but it seems he doesn't want me happy either. Help

Hanging out with a cheater, who cheated on you, by the way, is stupid to be honest, and your cramping his style by hanging out at his apartment. He never cared if you were happy or not, just how many women he can bed. And now you're ruining that and think its best friends. Honestly, how dumb is that idea.

Leave him to his womanizing and get a better best friend. That means as the others have said... NO MORE CONTACT WITH HIM EVER!!

Sorry to be harsh, but its you running head first into a brick wall. Is that you being stubborn, or hard headed as he is pushing you away, whether you like it, or NOT!!

Hanging out with a cheater, who cheated on you, by the way, is stupid to be honest, and your cramping his style by hanging out at his apartment. He never cared if you were happy or not, just how many women he can bed. And now you're ruining that and think its best friends. Honestly, how dumb is that idea.

Leave him to his womanizing and get a better best friend. That means as the others have said............NO MORE CONTACT WITH HIM EVER!!!!

Sorry to be harsh, but its you running head first into a brick wall. Is that you being stubborn, or hard headed as he is pushing you away, whether you like it, or NOT!!!

This is harsh as it is very helpful. Hey, this site is really saving a life now. Couldn't have started moving on without you guys.. talaniman, you are simply awesome!

Keep going,good luck and let us know how it goes.

Keep going,good luck and let us know how it goes.


This is really very supportive to hear. Thanks amicon! Although Im still hurting so bad, I find comfort in the comments you guys are giving. I had my last talk and hug with him (at some point I couldn't let go) until he got annoyed and slammed the door to get his message across. He said he wanted me out and confirmed that he really just fell out of love. He texted though that all he needed was time apart for a while. I think he's confused. He's been divorced when we met and was so sure he's going to marry me when he came over to meet me. Now he quits and suddenly needs space. I tend to blame myself for taking him for granted (I guess I felt so secure he wouldn't leave me).Im finding comfort in spiritually mature friends too and I know I would heal in time. Im still learning to stop hoping that he's going to come back

I am currently in the process of letting go and moving on. While I suppress any feelings of hope for my last relationship, it always breaks my heart to hear other people (especially my family) talk fondly of him. My mother misses him and wants him to visit. I haven't told my family about this because I know the pain will be magnified a hundred fold.How do I break this to my family? I don't want them hating my ex though. Help

You can't live your life in a past relationship. Your family can't either and you will eventually have to explain this to them. Its your life though, mred, you have to live it the way you want to. Break it gently without saying too much. They don't have to know the particulars. You will still hear about it, I am sure, but they will eventually get the idea that you are moving on.

Tick

They don't have to know about everything, but who cares if they hate him for cheating on you. At least then they surely won't bring him up in glowing happy terms to you.

I was wondering if its easier for divorced man to just quit on a relationship when they feel its no longer working, all things being equal. My boyfriend (divorced with a kid of 8 years) told me his ex was good enough for ten years and was implying that I was only good for a year. During our break up, it was I who suffered and still has difficulty letting go. He has been doing well ever since (I think). I had to check our apartment for some things I left - and lo and behold, he was neater than ever. I tried to talk to him again and we ended up kissing and I noticed he smelled better. Although admittedly I felt on cloud nine back in his arms again, he said nothing changes between us. What a jerk I have been!

Stay away from the cheating jerk-thats him,by the way-not you.

It has nothing to do with being divorced,it has to do with him being an emotional incompetent.

(no need to start a new thread about the same problem,you could have just added to your previous one.)