Long story short, me and this girl I truly love were together twice before, the last time was the third time... we just broke up on the weekend. Its difficult to say who broke up with who, it was almost like a mutual break up but I was the one who initiated it. When we were apart before we never stopped thinking about each other and we knew eventually we'd get back together, and we did. I know it sounds odd to get with the same person 3 times but I guess its funny how human emotions work...


Anyway, she still says "I love you" to me... and tells me she'll always love me... She says it never goes away and there's people everywhere who love each other but aren't necessarily together. She also tells me that she just wants to be by herself right now... she has a lot of life stuff on her plate so I understand because I saw it first hand for a very long time... On top of that, she tells me she will still be comfortable with doing certain "things" with me, you can guess by the quotation marks what I mean by that. Basically telling me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship but she still wants to be friends because of our long history together and the feelings we share and the last time we broke up I pretty much did the NC thing flawlessly for a good 2 years but still thought about her at times...


I don't know how to take all this... I mean I tried to do the NC thing and failed miserably already, although I know its only been less than a week... I've told her I love you back, because even though I'm upset I do still mean it... I just don't know if this is acceptable... to say stuff like that when you are merely "friends", even if it is true... and also if its even possible for 2 people who were in a highly emotional relationship to still be intimate on occasions... or even truly be friends... we HAVE been friends in the past after breaking up, but this time I think it will be a lot more difficult...


Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, but what I'm asking basically is:


1. Is that truly realistic that 2 people love each other but aren't necessarily together... can "friends" with a past love each other without being in a relationship.

2. Is it proper to tell each other that after the relationship has ended?

3. Is it wise to do "things" with someone you had a real emotionally charged relationship with in the past... can that ever be a good thing?

4. I am a hypocrite in some ways because in another thread I said it never works being friends because of the fact you will fell akward not being able to do the same kind of things around the person... with all of my other ex's this is very true for me, but with this girl I just can't imagine cutting her out of my life completely pretty much like I did last time... CAN we be friends, really?


Thanks in advance

Its you're third breakup,its time to be realistic and go NC,heal and move on.

Don't go for friends,or friends with benefits,its time to close the book now.

We all have lingering feeling over ex, broken relationship, and remaining feelings. We are not perfect, and always have false hope, and missing the lost opportunity. Love is not dying at the exact moment we say goodbye, even though we logically know it is not going anywhere, and have to call end.

That's why we are coming up with NC to sort out the emotions.

To answer your question, yes, I think it is hypocrite, two people called it off, and think still can be together and do certain things together just like normal friends. I am not saint, and I will have seasick if my ex talks about other partners in front of me under the name of friends. So, I cannot be my ex's friends. Plain and simple.

Why on earth do you put yourself on the edge, and test your emotion between friendship and love? It will be torturing to me. I always say goodbye when I mean it, and know I need to let it go forever. It is certainly sad that I know it will be it, and there is hope and no chance I can hold on to, bur it is always clean resolution even though it huts a lot.

I always respect people, who claims that they act like friends after breakup. I am not good at acting, and I cannot do it.

Why are you trying to convince yourself to be your ex's friend?

Eventually you will get tired of torturing each other, with this make up, break up stuff, until one of you breaks the pattern, and says "ENOUGH". Trying to stay friends until you get back together, will never work, and keep you miserable, friends or not.

Don't you think its telling that neither of you knows how to work together to settle the issues you have, and breaking up, and staying friends, is what you have been doing to stay together, without solving what breaks you up in the first place.

That's a mistake you will keep repeating over, and over again, until the problem is solved.

If your so intent on being in each others lives, solve your problems, or at least figure out what they are, and then maybe you can solve them.

I doubt you will, since neither one of you has the coping skills to step back, and see what your really doing to each other.


1. Is that truly realistic that 2 people love each other but aren't necessarily together... can "friends" with a past love each other without being in a relationship.Yes if they both understand they have to either work together, or leave each other alone. That takes a level of honest communications you don't have. This is all about feelings with you both, and you don't handle it well at all.


2. Is it proper to tell each other that after the relationship has ended?Its proper to heal, and recover by leaving each other alone, and doing other things until the feelings are under much better control, and your dependence for each other, that you mistake for love, has come under control, and you can see facts, and not just feelings. What your doing with this love talk after a break up is keeping things the way theey were before the break up, so its never been a proper break up at all, never.


3. Is it wise to do "things" with someone you had a real emotionally charged relationship with in the past... can that ever be a good thing?No, its never a good thing to continue to keep old, intense feelings alive, and ignore reality. If thats all you have are just feelings, you will never be able to see, and deal with the facts, which is a true loving healthy relationship requires more than just love feelings to survive. There has to be an honest level of communications to work thru what ever life throws at you. Just going thru the motions with feelings has never worked well for any one as feelings change as we grow, and learn.


4. I am a hypocrite in some ways because in another thread I said it never works being friends because of the fact you will fell awkward not being able to do the same kind of things around the person... with all of my other ex's this is very true for me, but with this girl I just can't imagine cutting her out of my life completely pretty much like I did last time... CAN we be friends, really?Sure, you can after you both have healed, and that may take a long time, but clearly neither of you has ever done that, and though you break up in name, you are still together as friends. Until you leave each other alone, and find out who you are as individuals, you will never be able to help each other grow, or learn to work together. And your not a hypocrite, just misguided

Sorry this got so long, but you both belong in love rehab, because your addicted to each other, in an unhealthy way. That's not love. That dependence. You're way to carried away by intense feelings.

How old are you??

Thanks to everyone for the replies, especially talaniman...

To answer your question I am 25, we first met each other when I was only 17... and your pretty much perfectly right about everything you just said... I have thought the same things in my head but I guess I just didn't want to face it all...

I guess I'm just grasping straws in hopes that we can actually be friends but in reality I do not think it's a possibility...

I am a very emotional guy, its just in my blood... I'm not one of those non-caring types of people, so this is very difficult for me... I'm also a deep thinker which makes it extremely difficult to get over all of this...

So I'm taking it I should go the NC route and forget once and for all?

So I'm taking it I should go the NC route and forget once and for all?

Exactly! Plus read over threads in this forum and you will start to feel better. It might be a long process, but keep at it!

You can't start a new journey until you take that first step, and NC is only the first step, and the hardest.

You've got to break this vicious circle.

NC will help you detox.

Ok an update... today is the first day of NC, I've fought the urge to text her all day, its extremely difficult based on our emotional past... I'm doing my best not to give in as I know it will only prolong the hurt... Its so hard not to pick up and send a message to that familiar number with how I felt about her...

I deleted and blocked her on Facebook and msn... I put her e-mail on the block list as well... got rid of all pictures on my phone and all messages I got from her through any medium... heck my best friend even deleted and blocked her on fb so there's no connection even indirectly... she's also moving soon and I have no idea of the address which is a good thing... oh and I removed her from my cell phone obviously, the only problem being with my phone even if you delete a name/number from contacts when you go to "send message" that number is saved in there regardless :(

Yesterday I basically told her that the book is closed now, we are out of each others lives forever... I got my stuff back from her and we talked a little bit. So ladies and gentlemen this is the start of my journey with that person completely out of my life once and for all... I hope I can stay strong and stick to NC in the days and weeks to come

Well done,stay strong and come back whenever you need to.
Good luck.

Ok an update... today is the first day of NC, I've faught the urge to text her all day, its extremely difficult based on our emotional past... I'm doing my best not to give in as I know it will only prolong the hurt... Its so hard not to pick up and send a message to that familiar number with how I felt about her...

I deleted and blocked her on facebook and msn... i put her e-mail on the block list as well... got rid of all pictures on my phone and all messages i got from her through any medium... heck my best friend even deleted and blocked her on fb so theres no connection even indirectly... shes also moving soon and I have no idea of the address which is a good thing... oh and i removed her from my cell phone obviously, the only problem being with my phone even if you delete a name/number from contacts when you go to "send message" that number is saved in there regardless :(

Yesterday I basically told her that the book is closed now, we are out of each others lives forever... I got my stuff back from her and we talked a little bit. So ladies and gentlemen this is the start of my journey with that person completely out of my life once and for all... i hope i can stay strong and stick to NC in the days and weeks to come

Hey man I feel for you I myself am about to embark on the same difficult task after 3 straight years of living/working together. Like you I wear my emotions on my sleeve and tend to be a deep thinker. NC is gonnabe tough, but good friends (sounds like you have some if he took her off FB too) and a lot of time heal all wounds. Good luck to you man

I know very well how great NC works as I did it quite well for almost 3 years with a girl until last year when it was broken when she called and we tried to make it work again, well obviously it didn't... that 3 years ago for some reason it was semi-easy for me to break all contact and forget about her, only took a week or so, and I didn't think about her at all and had zero wish to speak to her or know anything about what she was doing... THIS time its incredibly difficult, and I mean INCREDIBLY difficult... given that any break up is, throw obsessive compulsive disorder into the mix where you think about and over analyze everything even the most ridiculous things from way back that aren't even relevant, its driving me nuts and giving me a headache


I do try to stay busy, I go on lots of hikes, drive around, exercise, watch movies, play games, hang with friends, etc... but even when I do that for some reason I over think too much about this.. and I don't understand the logic of why I'm thinking like it when I should be relieved since all we did was fight/argue every day and it was a very stressful relationship... that after to many times is over for good... I went a few days with NC but then I caved in and sent a text, I'm trying to avoid this and it's a lot harder than it was years ago... any tips on how to stop thinking so deeply and maintaning NC

There are a lot of stickies at the top of the forum that will really help you. Best of luck, I know it's hard :(

You need to try doing some self affirmations,tell yourself you're doing the NC because you know the relationship was going no where, that you're doing the right thing, you're doing it to improve yourself and your future relationships, you know you're worth more, you want a better future, and doing the NC is the way to get that.

Also tell yourself I am strong I am doing what's needed I am determined I am capable I will get through this period in my life and I will become a better person.

I am strong, I am good, anything that reinforces your decision is good for you so keep telling yourself this...

Thank you very much for the kind and encouraging responses... I've been through this before with the same person and as I said it seemed so much easier in the past.. this time it just racks my brain... and logically I don't understand why this time..


It was unhealthy... fighting and arguing all the time, assumptions and accusations, everything I did or said would cause some kind of bickering even if it was something positive.. I know I deserve much better and that much better is out there as I've experienced it in the past..


I know after the ridiculous number of FOUR times trying that I was better off with her out of my life in the past and I was fine with it, didn't even give her a thought and ignored whenever she'd try to get in touch with me by any means... I just need to figure out how to get back in that zone... I forgot to mention that I have OCD as well which makes it a tad more difficult than for the average person

I think you felt good for a while, and then something triggered your emotions, perhaps guilt over breaking NC. No worries, just start NC again, and be more aware of those weak moments. If you look at it, you did quite well for a time, and just have to restart the process, and do even better this time.

I'll start this post by saying that I suffer from extreme obsessive compulsive disorder... I have made a few posts in the past pertaining to this issue with this person, my ex... It was a very odd situation as we were together FOUR times throughout 8 years, the most recent 2 times being in the past year... the 2nd time being about 6 years ago, first time 8 years ago... and there were a few times between where things happened... but there was a few periods of a couple years at a time where we had no contact at all and I was perfectly fine with it, I never paid her any mind... I harboured a lot of resentment towards this person after the last time we "met" over 2 years ago, but I had learned to forgive and forget and believe in the change people can make in themselves when we started back again last year... Here is where I'm left now though...


Back in March I broke up with her, we kept contact for a whole month after that without hanging out and then jumped back into a fourth time after being friends again for a few weeks... About a month and a half ago we broke up... To be more detailed about the relationship... This person had extreme trust and insecurity issues, she would always assume I was doing things with girls or another ex when I wasn't and always thought if I would go home on the internet or if I was using my phone that I was talking to other girls... She always said it 'conflicted' when I'd see my friends, which are very important to me. The problem was ANY time would 'conflict' with our time together, so basically I could never see my friends. There was a time where 2 of my longest friends wanted me to come out with them to have a few drinks at the bar and she made a huge deal out of it and guilted me until I invited her along even though my friends didn't want her to come because they knew it would turn into us having a huge argument and ruining the night as always... We would fight and argue on a daily basis, and I mean CONSTANTLY, even about the most minuscule things. She wanted me around her every day, wanted me to be with her in the mornings, in the afternoons after she was done school... all evening and to stay over every single night... and when I wasn't with her she wanted to be texting back and forth non stop and always assumed there was something wrong if I didn't respond IMMEDIATELY... She was extremely obsessive and possessive and clingy... I hated this and nothing had changed from the 3rd time to the 4th time we tried it... She didn't want me to work it seemed, she would complain about any shift I could get...


Anyway, we broke up the second week of June... We had a few days apart and she was thinking and ended up breaking up with me on the Monday after the weekend. She had the audacity to say that I should think about how I am to her and that she "see's the same sh*t"... meanwhile I wasn't the one providing the unhealthy part of the relationship. I had never been in a situation where someone was so attached before where every thing in their life had revolved around me. My problem is that after the break up, I became the one who was obsessed about it, largely due to my OCD issue. By that I don't mean that I try to contact her or see her or anything like that, I do not want to get her back as history has proven many times it will never work. But I find myself thinking about it day and night and analyzing and picking apart every little thing, not even just from the past 2 recent relationships with this person but even the ones from YEARS ago. A break up is always bad but throw extreme OCD in the mix and it's a nightmare. It so bad that I feel detached sometimes from being in the moment, I just get caught up in an infinte loop of thinking over and over about the most meaningless things to do with her. I guess I'm just here asking for both peoples opinions on how the relationship was as I've described it and suggestions on things maybe to think about to keep my mind occupied, how do I let go of this? Its truly ruining my life... The irony being that I wasn't like this when I was with her, she was... and before she broke up with me, on the Friday of that weekend I'd considered breaking up with her but did not due to a promise I'd made since the last time...

I think the biggest problem here is that you compromised and contradicted YOURSELF in order to be in a relationship with this girl. You went against your instincts and better nature rekindle/maintain a relationship with her. You knew after the first break-up, maybe even before then that she wasn't right for you. But you ignored your instincts, and continued on despite yourself.

All that's left to now is find yourself again, and breathe life back into that part of you that you were forced to neglect due to your decision to continue in a relationship with her. And it won't be easy.

Really, only a couple people know this about me, but I also struggle with a bit of an OCD. When I was younger it involved elaborate rituals and huge facial tics. Now it's just deliberate breathing and mental exercises (occasional fixations). Nonetheless, it's still THERE, you know? And situations like the one you describe, probably aren't the best places to experience any kind of OCD.

But you got to work through it.

You don't have to have a woman in your life to validate you. Find the things that make you happy.

Don't relinquish your identity for anyone.

This forum is to help you find a way to get through what is bothering you.

The people here are from all different walks of life. Doctors, Lawyers, Psychologist. Keep posting.

I have had professional help before, and taken things to help with it. Medication does not work for some people, it actually makes it worse I found. The method of dealing with OCD is called CBT which means cognitive behavioural therapy... meaning once you get an obsessive thought you replace it with something else, think positive and forward, and as time goes by it gets easier and easier to do this. It was getting better and easier for me over time but when this person came back in and out of my life it destroyed all that progress. I believed back last year that they had changed, and in many ways I still do believe they did change and they were a lot better person then than they were at our last encounter a few years before that. I never thought this person would get so possessive though... Like I said I find it very ironic that they were over obsessed with me during the relationship but then I catch myself now as the obsessor, but not due to the same reasons...


I should also mention that this person has a child that they had since the first time we were together, which made it even tougher... As it was hard at first when I seen them again since so much time had gone by that I wasn't there for. Also that this girl was the first girl I ever went all the way with back when we first met. I suppose that could have something to do with it psychologically... but I'm not sure. I tried to stick with NC and went a good month with it... but I found myself constantly checking my cell phone and eventually caved in last week and texted them, just regular talk... I said I don't miss the relationship itself but I miss having them in my life just talking and going for coffees etc... and for some reason it put my mind at ease a bit that brief text conversation, I don't know why... I have been able to maintain friendship with another ex girlfriend from about 4 years ago, and THAT ended terribly but me and her are still good friends... the problem I've always found with this girl though is that we have never truly been 'just friends'... even when we have been out of a relationship with each other but around each other we always ended up getting physical and so on, we could never seem to just hang out, and if we could it was only a matter of time until we got back into the other stuff again... I question the possibility of me and this person being able to be friends like me and the ex from years ago I mentioned are

Your correct, but I'm not attempting to treat my OCD here. This is entirely to do with the relationship, I suppose I'm basically asking for suggestions of other things to occupy my mind and to work on/think about to keep my head clear. The CBT is something that I did do through one in the past but as time went by I learned how to do it myself, this situation just kind of threw me off a bit on my progress. There is also exposure-response but that is something that would be the worst thing possible for me. Anyway, enough on the OCD aspect of it. The fact is as I stated, for anyone, a breakup is always tough, ocd or not, its common for one or both of the people involved to think about it/wonder/analyze, just with ocd it tends to be quite a bit worse. I'm not trying to cure my OCD here, just looking for ideas and suggestions on how to get over this particular situation as I've stated. The OCD will remain long after thoughts about this relationship and dwelling go away, just like it was always there between.

Your correct, but I'm not attempting to treat my OCD here. This is entirely to do with the relationship, I suppose I'm basically asking for suggestions of other things to occupy my mind and to work on/think about to keep my head clear. The CBT is something that I did do through one in the past but as time went by I learned how to do it myself, this situation just kind of threw me off a bit on my progress. There is also exposure-response but that is something that would be the worst thing possible for me. Anyways, enough on the OCD aspect of it. The fact is as I stated, for anyone, a breakup is always tough, ocd or not, its common for one or both of the people involved to think about it/wonder/analyze, just with ocd it tends to be quite a bit worse. I'm not trying to cure my OCD here, just looking for ideas and suggestions on how to get over this particular situation as I've stated. The OCD will remain long after thoughts about this relationship and dwelling go away, just like it was always there inbetween.

WE will listen and help all we can, but for your OCD you need to find the right doctor.

I might also add to the op we do not treat your ocd or anything medical. We give opinions and advice on what you tell us and base our answers on that. I myself do not give medical opinions or suggestions because I am no Doctor. The medical people on this board give opinions and suggestions ONLY.

What you are referring to with your mind might be as simple as "rumination", thinking excessively on a certain topic.

Sometimes just sitting and playing a computer game you know well, and letting yourself think things through isn't a bad idea. Neither is journalling. Eventually once your mind considers every avenue exhausted, it will be ready to consider new things.

If you are into Christianity, look at where Paul talks about getting "the mind of Christ" into yourself. For the Christian, that is the true source of transformation out of these kinds of problems. Seeking the "mind of Christ" deals with a lot of issues (such as sin, and the empty place only God can fill) that psychology deals with more superficially (at least from a Christian standpoint). Worth looking into. Give Dr. Laura Schlessinger a read, or even better, listen to her radio program.

How about this: Instead of just replacing a thought with another, about replacing the thoughts with actually doing something?

Are you into any kind of art? - Art can be a great outlet, you can pour your energy into it, and achieve something too.

Do you have any interest in nature? Science? Pick something to study about, become an expert in it.

Do you like animals at all? Go to a pet shop and make friends with everyone's dog there. If you're really bold, volunteer at a shelter.

Stock market? (that could be a dangerous combo with OCD and lack for self discipline) - Study everything you can about it. Try paper trading. Be very careful, learn all you can before committing a real dollar to it.

What hobbies do you have? What have you always wanted to do with one of your hobbies, but never had the time to do before?

Maybe it's time to pick up a new hobby. Legos? Electronics? Study to get a ham radio license, join a an amateur radio club.

I like programming, and recently I dusted off a project from two years ago to make a new version of wikipedia. While doing that, I am learning some new kinds of programming that I have always wanted to learn, and am making them part of that project. It's a fun project because there are no deadlines, I can take as long as I need to restructure the program, build the databases, think about how they should combine. It's like the ultimate set of legos.

A couple of years ago I got into lampworking, which is melting rods of glass in a torch flame to try and create glass sculptures. That was something that fascinated me as a kid, watching a guy at a glass shop do that, I hadn't thought about it many years until I saw a glass shop in a tourist town while I was on a vacation. I now have enough glass wands to equip an army of Harry Potters!

Maybe find a local glass co-op, someplace where you can take a class to make beads. I always thought the idea making beads was beneath me, but I actually learned a lot and enjoyed it.

Just some thoughts from someone who also ruminates too much...

I deleted a lot of posts that got off topic. Including a new posters issues with us giving advice and opinions.

I should remind those, that these are question and answer sites,people come here for advice, not professional treatments.

And before you start attacking please go back and read the FAQ.

Thanks chuck for cleaning up the thread and Sam thank you very much for your reply and advice I really appreciate it. This whole thing is really affecting my life to the point I cannot function properly... and I hate it

Well it's now been 2 months since we broke up and I've unfortunately been "on and off" with NC...

Every once in awhile I cave in and send a text just saying "hey whats up" and just the typical conversation... then I won't say anything for a few days or a week or more... I don't know why but I can't seem to help it...

I thought I had closure when about a week or two after we broke up we had a conversation via text and she basically cleared everything up for me and said she was sorry she gave up but she thought it was best, and she's right... as a few days before we broke up I'd strongly considered ending it with her... She clarified that it wasn't to be with someone else, she didn't do anything wrong, she's been focusing on really important things (neither of us had our focus on important life things when we were together, she was entirely focused on me and vice versa, looking back it was unhealthy)... she basically made everything clear and gave me what I needed then to stop thinking so much about it...

For some reason, I still relentlessly go over things in my head. This is large in part to do with the OCD... I never had this bad of an issue getting over it when we broke up ages ago... I don't understand why now. This is 'it' though, never again... I broke that promise I made to myself years ago and now I know why I made that promise after the 2nd time...


I can't seem to rationalize my thought process here... when we were together I was miserable... We'd fight/argue constantly and she was really possessive/attached and wanted me around ALL the time, and when we weren't around each other wanted to be texting back and forth constantly... she exhibited extreme insecurity... getting angry at me if I had a job interview with a female and used to get mad and uneasy at the same time when I'd go into work when I worked in an office with mostly females... I barely ever saw my friends.. in a 7 day week I'd see her every single day and if I wanted to do something with a friend for even a few hours in a day she would say things like "I guess your friends are more important than me..." and other ridiculous statements like that. It got to the point I didn't even want to go over to her place or stay there... For some reason I don't think about all THAT though, I dwell on the 25% of the time that was 'good'... and seem to ignore all the terrible parts that made it a miserable relationship.


I really am at a loss of what to do here... I can't make sense of it whatsoever. Why would I miss something or dwell on something that was, for the most part, misery...

Please don't go back down that road again. After a breakup you could never be just friends.

You are a smart man and you need to get over this woman.
You'ree too good for her.

This is not about her, or your actions toward her. Its always been about you, and the actions you do, and she is but the object of those actions. This is where you can make some positive changes by getting diagnosed, and guided to solutions to whatever issue you have.

This doesn't have to be an expense proposition, as it starts with a simple doctor visit, and being honest with him, and trust him a bit.

What makes you think you have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)? Have you been diagnosed, or treated before? Any behavioral changes to be made start with real facts, and acceptance to know what path to pursue to change, so trust me we all have something wrong with us that needs to be dealt with, but the question is will you do it or NOT?

Why suffer when all you need is some guidance, and it's their to be gotten, so go get it.

Yes I was diagnosed with it about 6 years ago and I have had treatment in the past. I had stopped seeing my 'doctor' about 2 years and change ago. I was doing good for awhile until this person came back into my life. As I said in an earlier post I had ignored attempts by this person to contact me numerous times for a couple of years and then last summer I got a call from a private number and got roped into a conversation and ended up meeting with them again and saw change in them so I figured I'd give it another shot with them. I was foolish though in thinking I could deal with a relationship when I had so many other issues going on and more important things to focus on.

She was relatively supportive of me and my problem. I don't think the OCD had anything to do with the relationship disolving to be honest... As I stated she showed a lot of behaviour and actions of insecurity/mistrust towards me and constantly assumed/accused me of things which I wasn't doing. No matter how many times I explained things. I remember one time her even going through my phone to look at recent calls... meanwhile I'd given no legitimate reason to assume anything was going on with any other girl. It was as if she didn't want me to work, spend time with my friends or even my family... she would b*tch about any shift I would take be it morning/aft/night. She told me she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, I guess at the time I thought that was a caring/loving thing but really it was suffocating me and wasn't healthy at all. We even came up with a way to stop arguing which was when one of us feels an argument is about to come up we just walk away and cool down or leave for a little bit. This didn't work because whenever I would go to leave she would freak out... At times she would tell me to leave, then if I wouldn't leave, she would later say you should've just left like I said, but if I did leave... surprise surprise, she would get furious... It was like I couldn't win either way...


Basically the whole relationship and how it unfolded left my OCD worse than its been in years. This is all why I cannot understand why I am still constantly thinking about it when it was going nowhere and was not healthy at all... I am going to see my doctor again but I have to wait, so in the meantime I'm basically just asking to try and figure out why I'm so stuck on this... Is it just a sense of loss? I mean I was so used to seeing this person every single day all day and all night, but funny enough not WANTING that at the time after awhile... It was very possessive on her part..

Follow the advice. You're smart
Probably handsome and you don't need this woman in your life.

Use that brain.

Thanks kitkat for the reply. I consider myself a good looking guy, hygenic and in pretty good shape and pretty intelligent. I don't like to toot my own horn though as I hate conceited and cocky people, but self esteem does help.

The problem is that I use my brain too much, and use it in the wrong way. I dwell constantly from sun up to when I go to sleep about this person and the relationship. I knew it was ending and as I said even thought about ending it myself shortly before it happened... With that being said I still let it phase me so so much its ludicrous. I can't seem to focus on anything...

I built up a giant barrier in the past emotionally and mentally and kept her out of my life altogether... and it was easy for me because I was angry due to how it ended. This time it didn't particularly end bad, there was no insults between each other or negativity or BS... There was no cheating or scandelous behaviour... nothing, so this time I have no things to use as material to build that wall back again. I can't be angry at her or about the situation because it was a pretty clean break up...

I'm also having worries of, well... last time, as I said there was a huge gap where I had nothing to do with her and I made a promise to myself back then that I'd never have anything to do with her again, not in any capacity, not even just simple talking (even though, hypocritically, in a lot of ways I figured we'd get back together again because the book didn't feel truly 'closed' back then)... but I broke that promise to myself in stages, first by talking to her when she called from a private number, then agreeing to meet with her to hang out as friends, then getting back into a relationship again... She hasn't tried to contact me and hasn't showed signs of wanting to be friends, but she didn't last time either until about a year later... maybe a little less... I am not saying it will happen... but I'm afraid if this person in the future, be it a month, a year or 3 years down the road, gets in touch with me... that I will once again break the promise to myself... I was very strong with it last time, even when we first started hanging around again, I said to myself I would never be in a relationship with this person again or "do things" with them, and I broke every single part of what I said to myself... How do you deal with private number calls or anonymous messages (say the person has a new cell number later, and texts you from that out of nowhere, curiosity would typically get you to reply with "whos this?") I am trying to be future prepared to avoid this disaster again... as it has completely ruined me emotionally

Be polite, but busy, and unavailable, for any long deep conversations, when she catches you by surprise. On the phone, or in person. Texts are deleted without response.

I've read your posts and just want to make a simple suggestion. It sounds like you had a very passionate relationship - which is like a drug in itself. I had a relationship like that when I was aged 22-24. We remained friends for an additional 3 years after that. While we didn't get back together, the feelings were very deep. What I finally realized last year, when he told me he could no longer talk to me, was that I was hurting him. I knew I couldn't be with him forever. We couldn't remain friends because the passion was too deep. We had gone for periods of months not talking, and then would falsely think we could be "friends" again. This last time, a year ago, I finally realized how much he was hurting. There were several times in the 3 years I was tempted to get involved but didn't because I knew how it would end and that he'd be more deeply hurt. I finally realized that even being friends hurt too much. I was obsessed with him for 5 years, and vice versa, but we had to go cold turkey. What stopped me in the last year from e-mailing, calling or texting was knowing how selfish a move that would be. As long as we were in contact, he would not move on or feel better. You've already had the talk with her that you can't have contact. Stick to that. Do it for both of your sakes, and think of it as the humane and ethical thing to do. That's what kept me from making another mistake.

But I find myself reliving every moment in my mind... the more I try not to think about it, the more I do think about it. Even when I've exhausted all the "what ifs".. and negative thinking, I go back over the same things over and over again... It was the right thing, there was no way we were ever going to last forever in that way... I like to believe that she was sincere and honest in her feelings towards me and likewise I was about her... I am trying not to harbour any resentment about the whole situation and just put it behind me, I'm just having an incredibly difficult time.. the issue with when we were 'friends' was that it was so hard for us not to physically do things with each other, from kissing to the whole shabam... we would be able to hang out for a little while just normally and do normal friend things but that old familiar feeling would kick in where you stomach just feels like it drops to the ground inside... and things would lead to a relationship again... I guess I need to face it in my mind that I cannot have this person as a part of my life in any way, ever again... I hope it will get easier

It will get easier. I felt like I was going crazy the first year, but I wasn't helping myself either. I'd still listen to "our" music, read our old e-mails, look at pictures, follow him on MySpace. I thought it was okay as long as he didn't know. He was so intuitive that he did know, though. It takes real conscious effort on your part. If you haven't already, get rid of the things that remind you of her. Train yourself to change your thoughts. I remember literally shaking my head when thoughts of him came into my mind - shaking my head and then getting up to do something else. I am a runner and I'd take off for a 4 mile run - I think it was symbolic in a lot of ways. I also remember a lot of dreams and fantasies. When I realized I was doing that, I'd cut them short... but I also realized that they were my mind's way of cleansing itself, which allowed me to accept it and think about something else. I remember several times where I'd be driving and one of our songs came on - and I'd break down. Again, I just had to realize that I was still getting over my feelings, but I did get over them. You will, too.

I should also add that I have no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing. It was a wonderful experience in a lot of ways, but it wasn't meant to be my life. Trust yourself. You already know the truth of what you need to do.

Very true.

"What ifs" are in the past.

"I guess I need to face it in my mind that I cannot have this person as a part of my life in any way, ever again"

Yes. That's realization.

Now you can grow & learn from this. To better yourself.
Don't deny yourself anything now. Have some fun.

It takes time & effort, to learn to not dwell so hard.

What's done is done. On to tomorrow.

Very interesting thread brainisadrug, seems like it is tough on both sides. Good luck to you with your OCD treatment


Your situation is very much like mine except I became the girl in a way... needy and insecure... and she told me she still loves me in her goodbye email... in a degrating way... It seems you are both still somewhat on the hook, while I am completely off the hook for now as she has been strong in not communicating with me and being clear she refuses to do so, and I have not pushed for any communication.

Well people are going to be disappointed in me... I got partial NC going for awhile, I say partial because I texted her once in a blue moon every now and then... this past Sunday it was just about 3 months since the breakup and I kept pushing to go for a coffee with the idea that in seeing her I would get a sense of "closure" since we didn't break up in person... so Sunday we met and had a coffee, and she seemed like a completely different person...

A few things were cleared up, she told me it took her 2 months to get over it and she did think about me a bit... I asked if her feelings were all gone and without hesitation she said yes... hurt me a bit for some bizarre reason... It's a relationship realistically that I would never want back again seeing how it was so unhealthy and disfunctional but just hearing that hit me...

She wasn't this image I built up in my mind after not seeing her for about 3 months, which was kind of a good thing. I guess when after you and a person breakup you tend to build up an imagine in your head that they were greater than they actually were (in all aspects, physically, personality-wise, emotionally, etc)

For some reason she felt the need to say things to me like "Guys are looking at me left, right and center" and telling me about guys hitting on her and all this other BS... I don't know what she was trying to do there, she has low self-esteem and seems to have improved that, maybe it has something to do with that I don't know... but I could've done without hearing all that.

I thought maybe seeing her would help me for some reason. Not that I want it back, just that it would help me in some way. All I can say is that it did and it didn't... it helped me in the way that a few things were cleared up but it also reminded me of how she was in the past when we'd broken up and reminded me why I shut her out of my life for a long period... We are I guess pulling the 'friend card'.. I knew it wasn't a good idea but I decided to go against myself and see if it was possible... I don't know if I'm going to end up hanging out with her again, I don't see the point realistically... I guess I just always looked at her as a person I could talk to about anything at any time and I missed her in my life, not the relationship, but just her as a part of my life... but I was fine without her before... I'm so confused... should I really just cut her out of my life entirely?

"but I could've done without hearing all that"

Yup. That's why NC rules.

Hope you got your closure. Stick with it now.

I just don't get why she would feel the need to tell me that stuff... Seems like its to try and make me jealous or something... Either that or to boost her own self-esteem since she had a major issue with that...

Doesn't matter.

The point is that if you didn't push to meet her, you wouldn't have given her the opportunity to hurt your feelings again.

No reason to spend time trying to get inside her head.

Put this past you & move on to the next chapter in your life.

One that doesn't involve her.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. Thanks for sharing. Probably exactly how mine would turn out as well if I met her in 2 months.

It's easy for good looking girls with low self esteem to get guys. Pathetically easy, but won't fix their head issues.

Its funny how 1 person in a world filled with billions of people can cause us to become masochists at times.

To wreak such havoc in our lives.

Only because we continue to let it.

Yeah, it's scary I let this happen. Let it happen past tense.

I should never let someone effect me that much... that's been the biggest lesson of this all. Getting myself under control, realizing what an awful person I became.

Never should one person do this to anyone. Her stress should not have become my stress.

Example:
There was a girl I worked with, another intern at work this summer. All I did was complain to my exgf how dumb she was, how she didn't know anything about anything- I was literally annoyed by her. After the breakup, this girl became a close friend of mine, hugest support regarding this thing, hung out, etc, etc, super nice girl.

I became blind, blind, blind to the rest of the world.

It became pain/pleasure with X. One of the two only. No normal life.

The weirdest thing is that when we broke up the first time in March, I was like sad, but 2-3 days over it. But after being beaten down for 3 more months, convinced I needed therapy, more drama it really added to it all.

Wow, MyBrainIsDrug. Some of the things you've expressed in this thread are literally EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. Although I am younger than you and my ex and I have only dated once, for a year. Our relationship was great, amazing, on some days, and painful and frustrating on many many others. We clung to each other even though we were so obviously not suited for each other. Texting almost constantly and taking every single opportunity to see each other, obsessively.
Our issue was communication. We simply weren't made for each other. We would fight over the silliest things. They would get blown way out of proportion until neither of us could say anything, for our own separate reasons.
What struck me about your initial post was that our relationship too got to a point where we would just "walk away" in fights. We would try to put them away somewhere after they had reached a certain stalemate, walk away, and focus on the love we had for each other instead. This method failed miserably. Same idea. Neither of us really wanted the other to walk away, so that would produce another fight.
Anyway he broke up with me a month or so ago and I find myself absolutely obsessing over our relationship. My brain knows this is best for me; our relationship was so frustrating for the both of us, it wasn't meant to be, blah blah blah. But my heart. My heart seems to control my thoughts more than my reason.
He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last fantasy I have as I fall asleep at night. And every time I let my mind wander just for a moment during the day, it turns to him.
All I can say is the best days I've had have been ones where I literally don't allow my thoughts to stray for more than a minute. As soon as they try to lose me in happy memories of him, or agonizing over every second of every fight we ever had, I force myself to get up from whatever I'm doing and find something else. Personally, I tend to turn to the people around me for support. Listening to a friend talk about her mom's party or something is sufficient distraction. Or a really dramatic TV show or movie. Or maybe some "break-up" type music. Something with catchy lyrics about moving on with your life that you can run to. Whatever works for you.
I don't know how long this process is. I know it's different for everyone. But I don't want to waste my life brooding over what could have been, and you shouldn't either. Remember the things that make you happy, the things that made you you before you even met her.
This is a bit cheesy, but in my post break-up devastation I was talking to a friend, and I remember saying, "My world is upside down."
She, being incredibly insightful and a little poetic, replied, "Sometimes that's a good thing. You find all the little things you hid away deep inside your pockets."
Now, you have time for your family. You have time for your friends. You can be YOU.
I know this has been a lot of rambling but I hope you find it a little helpful or comforting. I know when I posted on this site a few days ago, every word of response I got made me feel a little better.

It's weird its like I'm addicted to the pain and the dwelling...

Like you, the day we broke up, and the following couple days I felt a sense of relief because I know it was unhealthy and I should be happy to be out of it... but as time went by it was like a nail slowly being driven into my chest, those first few days it just barely scratched the surface so I didn't notice it at all...

The worst part about it is if I would have listened to people around me, mainly my 2 best friends and my own mom... I would have avoided this situation all together... When we first started talking about a year ago they told me not to talk to her and definitely not to get back in with her... I told myself I wouldn't, we started as friends then less than a month later it developed into a relationship... first month or two was fine but then it just turned into a trainwreck slowly... got slightly better every now and then and then kept crashing... then when we broke up and go back together AGAIN in April we said we'd work on the problems as friends first then get back together, well we got back together without doing anything but discussing the issues, nothing was really changed... and it was possibly the worst its ever been in April and may...

It's hard for me to put myself back in the place I was at in my mind a year ago and the 2 years before that where I had this person completely cut out of my life and had no desire to ever even as much as talk to them... But I know that's where I need to get I just need to find a route there, and NC seems like the only thing that will get me back there... but its so hard... I hold it for awhile but then crumble and send a message just saying what's up or some other small talk

Also
This might have helped me due to my young age or inexperience, but another person in my life who I look up to a lot told me that even though I can't see the way out right now, there will be an end to this and that someday, I will find someone that is so incredibly suited for me I won't believe it. His strengths will be my ex's weaknesses. We will compliment each other so much better than my ex and I did.
Even though I couldn't possibly imagine a life or love with someone else right now, part of me looks forward to meeting that faceless stranger that makes a relationship EASIER. It can never be perfect, but it shouldn't be a struggle.

wow, MyBrainIsDrug. Some of the things you've expressed in this thread are literally EXACTLY how i've been feeling lately. Although I am younger than you and my ex and I have only dated once, for a year. Our relationship was great, amazing, on some days, and painful and frustrating on many many others. We clung to each other even though we were so obviously not suited for each other. Texting almost constantly and taking every single opportunity to see each other, obsessively.
Our issue was communication. We simply weren't made for each other. We would fight over the silliest things. They would get blown way out of proportion until neither of us could say anything, for our own separate reasons.
What struck me about your initial post was that our relationship too got to a point where we would just "walk away" in fights. We would try to put them away somewhere after they had reached a certain stalemate, walk away, and focus on the love we had for each other instead. This method failed miserably. Same idea. Neither of us really wanted the other to walk away, so that would produce another fight.
Anyways he broke up with me a month or so ago and I find myself absolutely obsessing over our relationship. My brain knows this is best for me; our relationship was so frustrating for the both of us, it wasn't meant to be, blah blah blah. But my heart. My heart seems to control my thoughts more than my reason.
He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last fantasy I have as I fall asleep at night. And every time I let my mind wander just for a moment during the day, it turns to him.
All I can say is the best days I've had have been ones where I literally don't allow my thoughts to stray for more than a minute. As soon as they try to lose me in happy memories of him, or agonizing over every second of every fight we ever had, I force myself to get up from whatever I'm doing and find something else. Personally, I tend to turn to the people around me for support. Listening to a friend talk about her mom's party or something is sufficient distraction. Or a really dramatic tv show or movie. Or maybe some "break-up" type music. Something with catchy lyrics about moving on with your life that you can run to. Whatever works for you.
I don't know how long this process is. I know it's different for everyone. But I don't want to waste my life brooding over what could have been, and you shouldn't either. Remember the things that make you happy, the things that made you you before you even met her.
this is a bit cheesy, but in my post break-up devastation I was talking to a friend, and I remember saying, "My world is upside down."
She, being incredibly insightful and a little poetic, replied, "Sometimes that's a good thing. You find all the little things you hid away deep inside your pockets."
now, you have time for your family. you have time for your friends. you can be YOU.
I know this has been a lot of rambling but I hope you find it a little helpful or comforting. I know when I posted on this site a few days ago, every word of response I got made me feel a little better.

Its not rambling at all, thank you very much for taking the time to read my situation over and offering some insight and details about your own. There is definitely a few things we can relate on as far as our previous relationships went. I have to add that the major difference for me, being that I do suffer from fairly severe OCD, is that its very difficult for me to stop thinking about it when I get caught in a vicious loop... I mean no matter what I do or how busy I can make myself, I still think and analyze the most meaningless things from the relationship and seem to let the few good times overshadow all the misery, like my mind tends to block out all the bad (which was the majority of the relationship) and focus on/blow up the good times... its very bizarre. I can be myself now and focus on myself, my family and friends and not have the stress from her or have to constantly be using my cell phone (I hate using cell phones a lot, I've had my phone for years and the only time I used it heavily was when I was with her funny enough)... I should enjoy this, but for some reason I can't seem to

Just under 3 weeks now no contact whatsoever... Still thinking about her constantly and have had the urge to send a text or call but by god I'm fighting it, its so hard... this is the longest since the breakup I've went with NC... wish me luck in continuing this... I just hope I'm not still always thinking about her in a month or two... she was never worth it

I'm here to tell you: have faith! It does get better! I'mfive weeks no contact and the difference I see between today and two weeks ago is huge. I still think about him a few times for a few seconds throughout the day, think about him almost always at night and fight it, but it is not constant. I am becoming me again! Good luck keep it up you're doing a great job. Set your eyes on a day a month from now. You'll be amazed.

Where to start... I broke NC in September about a week or two after my last post here... I was really disappointed in myself... I hadn't texted her for 3 weeks or more and then she text me asking how I am, etc.. I ignore it for a few hours but cave in and reply... Anyway, this went on a couple more times, maybe there was 1 text or a brief conversation in text once a week, or every 2 weeks... so far since that screw up It's been just about a month now with zero contact whatsoever... I have been seeing my doctor and on medication for my OCD and for some reason I still think about this person a LOT, maybe not quite as much as before, but still way more than is comfortable... more than I would think is reasonable by now... It's been 5 months, going on 6 since the break up... just thought I'd check in with an update... I'm doing better, but not much

Just stay NC.

It takes time to heal.

But after all, its up to you. Not her, me or anyone else.

At some point you will say "Im sick of wallowing over this chick...."

And move on.