I couldn't remember my username/password so I made a new account.

Let me start from the beginning. I found out about AMHD in September, when my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I was just initiating NC and he contacted me, so I asked you all what you think and you told me not to answer him.

I did.

Long story short, he was the guy I left everything for. After we met, I divorced, quit my job, threw away my furniture and came back to my parents' house (after living alone for 10 years, at 28... not great, I know) and a week after I moved to my childhood room he left me. He started to date right away, leaving me in pain.

After I wrote here, he came back with promises, said he will buy a house so we can live together, and pay for my plane ticket to go see him and meet his family overseas. Which he did, I stayed with him and his family for months, before we moved to "our" new house and I came back here to save more money and pack.

Seeing me rot in my bed for 3 weeks since I came back, my parents decided to "invest in me" and make a loan to send me there with the money I need. I asked him 10 times if he was sure of what we're doing, he said he is. He even talked about getting married and "maybe even having kids one day"...

I was already struggling building the trust I lost last summer and I have to admit I became really needy and jealous recently. So last night, he told me he is sorry for all my trouble (oh yay, sorry) but he doesn't want to be with me.

You will say "we told you so" and you're right. You did. So now I have 2 choices to end this pain : kill myself, or NC.

I don't have the courage to do the first one, so I sent him a message last night after "the talk" saying I'm sorry but I have to block/delete him and throw away everything to heal. Which I did right away.

I still don't have the courage to tell my parents and (don't hate me for this) I'm hoping somewhere deep inside, that he will change his mind again and take me back. I can't stop myself from hoping we will get back together, which is the initial purpose of NC right now, hopefully it will change one day.

Any comments/suggestions will be read at least 10 times. Please help...

You know what you need to do.

You know this guy is going to lie to you... and hoping for him to change is just not realistic.

That means you keep making terrible decisions and you get to blame others.

You need to own it. You messed up. It happens. He lied to you. Fine. You trusted him again and he lied again. Fine.

You have an option that you didn't list... move on without him... because NC hoping he will change is really not NC.

Complicate it all you want.

Accept that you don't like where you are. Accept you can make good healthy choices for yourself. Accept that you need to be accountable for your successes and your struggles.

But stop making this about how everybody else feels about you... this isn't about how your parents feel or this guy feels... its about how you feel.

And you need to feel like you deserve more than this noise.

I agree with the post before me. Hun, you really need to go NC this time and really stick to it. Why do you want someone like this in your life?

I know it must be hard since you gave up so much for him, it would be really hard to imagine it was all a waste, but this guy isn't going to change.

He's told you he doesn't want to be with you. This sounds like he meets a girl, ends things with you, things fall through with the new girl, calls you up, gets your hopes up again, meets someone new, breaks up with you.. then what happens when things with this new girl end? He'll call you up again and it starts all over again.

Stand your ground, you deserve way better than this! Find someone that will love and appreciate you. Even if this man magically does change 15 years down the road, how can you possibly forgive him for everything he's already put you through?

Thank you so much for your support. kp2171, your answer made me cry. I realized it's really hard for me to admit that "I messed up" and even worse to think "it's fine"... And yes, AmericanGirl01 investing so much in this relationship is one of the main reasons I didn't want to give up.

From the youngest art director in Paris with a nice apartment and a casual "ex-bf-husband" going out all the time, I became the jobless (since over a year now!) person with 5$ on my bank account, living in my childhood room, without seeing any friends... (or what is left from "friends")

Something went wrong along the way. And I'm having hard time accepting it.

I've been looking for a job for a few hours, making emergency plans and NC is a part of them. My only hope at this point is that I will like being in control about even this one thing in my life, and end up liking it... which would lead to not wanting to be with him anymore.

I'm reading every single case on this website, some of them are so sad, but it gives me hope to see I'm not alone struggling and fighting with this.

I can't stop myself from hoping we will get back together, which is the initial purpose of NC right now, hopefully it will change one day.

That's what I call half stepping. You're feeding yourself more false hope and waiting for him to blow back in your life, and do the same thing all over again. I call that insanity.

Only by committing to NC FOREVER with this fellow will you ever find your own happiness.

I strongly suggest you take the past LESSONS you should have learned and get a life that you enjoy, and recover from your insanity, AND make better choices for yourself.

Its not so bad if you heed the suggestions given here, and do better.

You hold on to hope you will always be in pain
Haven't you learnt enough already girl?

It seems that you have not only made 1 bad mistake by trusting him and going back
But making another one!
And holding on to hope! That you will still be back together?

Do yourself a favor and us.. and listen to us this time around
We can only help those who will help themselves. And you my dear have to learn how to do that

I can't believe you said are you sure you want this to him?
I mean who cares if he is sure was you? You should have been asking yourself! That question when he asked you back after what he did.


Im not one for beating a dead horse. So I will say this only once

Cut him out of your life, deal with the pain and move on.

If you do not, and you keep on holiding onto hope after what he has done, then I'm sorry but you are just wanting a painful life.

I hope you make the right chocie.

Accepting that we 1) made dumb mistakes and that 2) we can best forgive ourselves by not perpetuating them is not easy. But it is needed.

So cut yourself some slack one area... allow yourself to be a little mortal...

And tighten in the reigns in others... namely, this guy. He is not OK for you and any time and energy spent are in the past... regret doesn't get any of it back.

I've wasted more than enough precious time doing dumb things for all the "right reasons"... but OK... it really is OK...

I don't always like me. Haven't always been good friends with myself. But I'm starting to figure it out, I think... one stumble at a time.

By the way... as a person who once lived in about as deep a hole as you can get mentally and still walk this earth... Big Ugly Depression... it does get better. You just need to talk yourself into that place... seek help when you can... and sometimes we don't do that until we are ready.

Unfortunately, sometimes that means falling hard... often more than once.

So glad you are back. Don't make the same mistakes.

Whenever anyone is trying to get from where they are to where they want to be and are struggling... the key is to ask "what am i doing differently this time"...

Sounds simple. Even a cliché. But it's the truth.

So... what's the plan? What's going to be different this time?

I believe I came back for a reason. Everything you say makes sense, much more than 6 months ago. I had to stop 3 times to type these 2 sentences because I keep crying, without really knowing what I'm crying for. Lost love, lost life and people understanding me when the one I loved, or even my family can't see what's going on in front of them.

So here's my list :
- Forget and forgive : forgiving myself and forgetting him.
- Trying to get myself back, instead of trying to get him back : getting a new job, maybe a haircut, and calling my old friends, just to see.
- Getting rid of that guilt (that is a tough one) and everything that reminds me of him, including the extra 15 pounds I gained sitting at my computer to talk to him.

It's all I can think of. Add coming here every time I feel the urge to call him or text him to this, and it makes a lot of things to do, just for a beginning.
I know trying is the key, standing up and walking every time you fall. It just seems really hard but the first step to get my life back must be to remember who I was, the one who takes challenges. I did it at work when I was 18, why not with myself 10 years later...

I guess it's the "enough is enough" moment, I'm glad I am talking to the right people this time. I can see the difference between the moment I posted the question and now, even though I'm scared at some moment it will hit me again.
Thank you all again, I sincerely hope you have a little idea of how much it helps.

It won't be easy, trust me, but I will promise you one thing: It will get easier. You'll have some great days, and some awful days, but over time those awful days will be few and far in between.

Your list looks great, I know my favorite thing to do after a breakup and get a nice new hairdo! Feels great! ;-)

Hang in there, we're all here for you!

Your old user name was

Pandaface

With that you can find your old password

Stay strong and focused on the goals you set in order to get yourself and your life back.

Your relationship was a learning experience-now its time to start writing a new chapter.

Take care.

Quick question :
I woke up this morning to an email on my old address, from him. It's my 3rd day of NC and I just subscribed to a gym, you can imagine I'm not really healing as fast as I'd like to. (3 days... I know it sounds stupid)

So he says he's wondering every second if it was a mistake, and asks me not to ignore him forever (I told him I was going to ignore him before I said goodbye) that we could "even be just friends, even though it's lame"...

I don't want to answer.
Or do I?
I want to say "I'm dead since you left"
I want to say "You dump me once shame on you, you dump me twice shame on me. Move on"
I want to hug him, or I want to punch him in the face with an iron fist.

I want to say something, but I don't know what to say. Then I'm scared of losing the power I have.
Should I just sit here and do nothing? (umm, do nothing... OK I admit, I danced a little bit) :p

Now you've told us,you stick to no contact-delete him from your email and keep moving on.

Three days down the road will be three weeks,then three months.

That's the answer I was hoping for :D

I already deleted him but it's a private email you can't block people on. Thank you for the fast reply, I'm thinking I should try that "girls night out" I didn't have since college tonight :p

Hey-good idea!
Have a blast. :-)

Good first step forward.

If you've been struggling with depression, there are some things you can do.

Socializing is an important one. Forcing yourself to get out of that bed. Out of the house. Out of your head for a bit. If hitting that mattress is the best part of your day, the safest place in your life, you know you need to get off it.

Accept the past as done and address your struggles. Regret over moves we didn't make but shouldve or shouldve had done, but did... well, that's normal and even healthy. Give yourself permission to feel a little lousy... even better if you can be ticked, but do something with it.

Depression is anger turned inward, on yourself.

Time to channel it a little. Putting energy into reconnecting in healthy ways is a great start.

Your parents want you healthy, long term. They might be frustrated short term. Might need to express unpleasant feelings. Let it happen. Again, it's a part of the acceptance you need. And think about what is going to be different this time.

I've talked with addicts and substance abusers who have cycled through treatment programs... who talk about relapse... and they often don't have a clue about what really happened. An alcoholic who thinks they fell off the wagon when they took that drink is short sighted. Many never, ever were in recovery at all... the relapse started when they did nothing to change the behavior that led them to their terribly destructive actions. That first drink or hit was not the event starting the relapse, it was just the dramatic ending of the relapse process turning into using.

So why the hell am I talking about addiction therapy? Because I think its very much the same with relationship struggles and personal struggles. The methods used to help some of the most desperate people are really just "healthy living" methods that can be applied to anybody struggling with life.

If you don't live your life differently in fundamental ways, you aren't recovering at all. And filling your time up with "stuff to do" isn't well rounded recovery. For ex, the person who buckles down and focuses on their career... sounds nice, but is it balanced and does it address the weak spots that lead to poor judgement? Probably not.

Your planning social time, the girls night... that's different. Getting meaningful time to reconnect with others IS a part of recovering from depression and is a part of recovering from unhealthy relationships.

So think about that as you move forward... what decisions did you make that got you here and why you think you made them? Are there any other angles that played into those decisions?

The next step is then to have a plan in place, especially for when you start to regress.

I've cycled through a really terrible depression, and several bumps in the road since over the years... what changed is my ability to recognize when I was sliding back down and when I needed to do things differently... and sometimes you have to make the same mistakes more than once to get that perspective.

So find some balance. Cut yourself enough slack so you aren't too burdened with those things you can't change... keep enough "healthy anger" about what's happened that you motivate yourself to change your behavior.

All that to say "good choice and have fun on your night out"...

I decided to be honest to myself, and I know I have nothing to fear here so I will admit I don't know how "healthy" it is.

I AM feeling good. I couldn't eat for a week (until today) so I lost some weight, gym helps a bit as well. Wearing my old jeans again makes me happy. But the main reason is... he wrote to me. He isn't out, dating girls and having fun like I imagined. He is suffering, maybe as much as I do. I'm still in game and I can beat him.

I used to be a very competitive, ambitious person. This works for jobs, games, whatever you can imagine. I can't forgive myself for my mistakes because I want to be as close to perfect as I can, and the rejection of a breakup is the worst way to tell you "you are not good enough"...

I AM good enough and knowing he knows that makes me happy. I feel mean, but I like it. I want my revenge. Not the "I'll write A55HOLE on your car with my lipstick" revenge. I want to be so good, and work so much on myself that no one will ever make me feel this miserable.

After your advice, I called my dad and told him I messed up. I kept crying and he said "it's okay to make mistakes, we will find a way, don't worry." I was surprised. He helped me with my resume last night and encouraged me to send it. My girls' night is cancelled because of the rain, but I will do it as soon as I can. Even though all the "girls" involved are pretty much in the same situation as me and it could turn into a pity party, I will go out there and dance for the first time in years.

I know I'm definitely not ready to date, the needy, insecure part of me still wants him back and I'm trying to kill that part. And it's probably not healthy to do it just because I know I can "win" against him. But I think maybe it's the only way to show myself that I can also win against the breakup and maybe even depression. Your example made me smile, I often think of myself like a drug addict. I knew it all along, he was bad for me, but I wanted to be with him anyway.

I know it has its ups and downs, I'm just hoping it won't explode one day out of nowhere and make me wonder if all the progress I thought I made was a lie. It doesn't feel natural to recover so easily. I'm scared, but I will try anyway.

I have hope and feel guilty about it. It's burning somewhere inside me, like when you know something is about to happen, but you don't know what. Yes, I'm still in game. And god, it feels good :)

Being on top of things and being strong is good,but its also OK to allow yourself to feel weak and cry your heart out if that's what you need to do.

Heal for you,panda, in your own way and in your own time, its not a competition who heals first.
Take care.

I've been trying to avoid this moment but it's killing me.

I messed up.
I sent him a message last night. I said his message was clear and I'm healing, we can't be friends just yet, maybe after we date other people when the awkwardness is gone. I've been nice and polite, but I broke NC :(

I don't want to do this again, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, I guess I was waiting for another answer but you guessed it, he never did.

I'm having a bad moment, I wish I could skip this but I'm trying and I can't. I miss him. I wonder what he's doing, I do the "if I can jump from this red tile to the next he will come back to me" thing, without even noticing.

I know he's bad for me and he did horrible things that broke my heart so I have no clue why I want him back. But sometimes - like now - I just want to sit on the couch and watch a movie with him... It must sound stupid. My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't want to do this again but I know I can. I'm scared.

You're hurting because you're mourning the death of you relationship.

That's normal ,most of us would.

Time to let your head rule your heart though and not break NC again.

Threads merged and edited

Hello Help Desk,



Last summer, after I left everything to move back to my parents' house to save money and move in with him later, he cheated on me and left me, then took me back and sent me a plane ticket so I could stay with him and meet his family for a few months. Which I did - and it was perfect... A few weeks after I came back, he told me it's not working, that it will take too long for me to save money here and move overseas for good, even though my parents offered nicely to sell our family car and whatever they can to lend me the money I need to move and settle there with him.

Later, I learned that his mother was the one who convinced him that I wouldn't be able to find a job and he'd have to pay for both of us, that we are too different, etc. etc. (I only have a Master's Degree, after all!)

Long story short, we got back together for the last time. After the happiness of the first days gone, he started to be his old self again, ignoring me all the time, treating me like crap... So I decided to give him one week in my head. I had a conversation with him and told him he was about to cross the line, that my patience has limits, but he didn't seem to understand.

During that week, I didn't call or text him unless he texted me... Surprisingly (!) he sent me maybe 1 message/day, sometimes even less. At the end of the week I talked to him and told him that I'm done. Because I was. First he was mad, he told me that I was mean, then he cried, hung up on me, then wrote an apology email. I blocked and deleted him from everywhere as well as his family and friends. He sent me one last email from another adress last week and told me everything I needed to hear : that he deserved it and took me for granted, wished me a lot of happiness with someone who deserves me etc.


So I talked to him. Told him I'm sorry, he said he understood (sounds like a healthy break-up... too healthy?) The next thing I know is him buying a plane ticket to fly here for 1 day. It's a 20 hour flight. He told his friend he's bringing a ring. I begged him to cancel his ticket, told him I didn't want to be with him, but he said that I owe him a breakup in person at least. Now I'm just confused...

What am I supposed to do after such a display of affection? I don't think I can forget what he put me through last year -- should I? He says he's changed and he can prove by committing, should I believe him?

I hear a lot of stories about men realizing they are ready after a break-up. Do you think it's one of them or am I just being stupid?

Sounds more like you're his doormat than his girlfriend. He has you when he wants you and discards you when it's convenient for him. Stop contacting him, even when he contacts you. You have nothing to apologize to him for. When things are over, its best to just move on and every time you call or message him back, it's just dragging things on.

Well you have allowed yourself to be sucked back into his influence with very little proof of his change of feelings or behavior, and it would be foolish now to take his word for anything on so flimsy facts other than his word, and a ring.

Let us not forget that you have changed your mind about being courted by him, given his actions before, and now all of a sudden, the right words makes you buy him a ticket that you now regret. Well he is coming, and you better deal with him a lot better than the first two times you broke up. Don't be so easily taken by smooth words or a ring, as commitment means nothing if his so called change is but a temporary one, designed to hook you back in.

That's as fair a warning as I can give you, since you seem to be following your heart, and not your head.

Good Luck with that.

Yep, so he wants to put money out, Thus the issue when it should be no contact, if you had not opened his email, had not sent him a message you would be further on the way to healing, now you open old wounds and have to start the hurt all over again when it starts to break up again

Thank you for your comments, and thanks to moderators for merging these. (By the way, the edited parts were just playfully said, I apologize if anyone is offended. Let's just say english isn't my native language - it's not even my second so, sorry again.)

Well here is the thing : I'm getting back everything I lost during those 3 years I spent with him and even more. I got my driver's licence -finally- have my job interviews lined up, lost about 30 pounds of the 40 I gained when I was with him. Got used to go to the gym (I signed up after I read the posts here and never stopped going) or have fun with friends, even been flirting a little bit lately... :p

Talaniman, I didn't buy anything at all actually. And yes, I am following my heart. And my heart tells me to stay away from him. My head is the one making me wonder if he still deserves a chance or if I'm being too cruel.

Chuck, when I read your comment I asked myself what wound I can be opening and it made me realize that my problem is probably not still being in love with him. I feel like handling the whole "ring" situation is harder for me right now.

I feel much better and even though sometimes I miss him, I didn't miss him enough to call him and ask him to take me back like I used to do before. Mainly because I'm the one initiating the break-up, I think I reached my limit and I'm not hurting about it...

It feels so weird because I'm used to hurt all the time, and I kept asking myself "why now", why not when I'd walk through fire for him and give him anything he needs? That feeling lead me to write all this, after all I've been through, should I even consider? I think the answer is clear.

He realized. It's too late. I just wish they could teach these things in movies... I feel lighter, happier in some way because I'm more confident about myself and the way I manage my life. I'm just scared he will make me feel guilty about saying no (I know he will) or accuse me, blame me, I really don't know. All I know is that I want to marry someone who won't do what he did. Ever.

I always thought I would die without him and surprise, I am alive. And I am happy. To be honest, I could be friends with him right now and nothing more than friends, because I think I lost the thing -which was the reason why I answered his email in the first place, but it got out of control... I guess it's not the right time for that and it will probably never be. Now I have to figure out how to say no without crushing him and avoid the "I came here to propose to you and you say no" talk... :confused:

That sounds good to hear, and thank you for coming back setting the record straight. I think you are on a good healthy path, and hope it continues.

Never feel guilty about making good decisions for yourself, nor let someone make you feel you should feel guilt.

(My post might be related to another post I just saw here so feel free to merge if needed.)

It's been almost a year now that I've been struggling with a horrible breakup (and make up, then breakup again... twice) I was getting used to be the doormat when I met that guy. We "knew" each other for a year and he was one of those "friends" on Facebook that you never really talk to, the ones who comment on your status every once in a while.

I discovered an amazing person. He is funny, incredibly mature, smart and he has that power to push me like no one ever did before. One day my heart skipped a beat when he came online and as much as I tried to deny it, I knew I felt something.

He made it clear a few days after that, he told me he "really likes me" and cares about me a lot. We decided to meet but I felt like I wasn't ready so I couldn't. He said he won't ask me anything more than what I'm giving him, my company.

I learned that he had a 6 year relationship and he's been single for another a few years now. They lived together and she cheated on him. We decided to be honest since the beginning and I never hid anything from him. Looks like a good start, huh?

Here comes the tricky part:


1. I don't feel any physical attraction for him. It's one of the reasons I don't want to see him in person, I'm scared I will be disappointed. He had several one night stands after his breakup but he said it himself, that "he let himself go over the years", not having a real relationship. We talk about everything and as shallow as it sounds, I told him it was bothering me. I could tell it crushed his heart but he said he would ask himself to get back in shape too and said he will do the best he can.

2. I have to deal with his insecurities due to his appearance and his past. This includes jealousy, clingyness, questions etc.

So my question is... he had years to get over his breakup and now he is ready for a relationship. I'm just getting over a devastating experience of 3 years with a broken engagement, lies, cheating, the whole package. Am I not ready to date? It feels weird to tell someone the same things I told my ex only a few months (weeks?) ago or make plans... Is it normal? Will I get over the lack of pyhsical attraction or is it how things will be?

I really want to be with him but these things almost drive me back to my ex sometimes. He is the exact opposite of my ex in every way : he is caring, nice, sweet, mature and able to take decisions by himself, but on the other hand, he is clingy, impulsive, has no real "life plan" (meaning a solid roof and a stable job) and tends to put all this on my shoulders... All added to the physical part, I'm confused. I feel like it's karma or whatever you want to call it, that I meet someone I like who treats me like I treated my ex, being caring but extremely needy - and we are NOT even in a relationship... I broke NC once already and sent an email to my ex saying I miss him, then felt horrible.

I cry every day and I don't know why, I was doing pretty good and now I feel like I'm back to the first weeks of my breakup, that it's not going to work with anyone else... Would it be what they call a "rebound"? Because if it is, I don't want that.

Hope it wasn't too long, any help is appreciated.

You haven't given yourself time to heal from the previous relationship, so, yes, this will be a rebound. Plus, you said you don't even want to meet him in person. Is that all about him -- or is it saying something about you?

My suggestion is to be friends with him, get to know each other, have fun, maybe eventually meet for lunch or coffee and dessert -- but no hurry. BOTH of you need to do some serious work on yourselves before there can be a romantic relationship. Is each of you open to seeing a counselor and doing some serious and very difficult work?

If you are over 65 -- no, there's not much time, so get moving.

If you are under 50, take your time and do this right. If anything, you will be ready when another frog comes along and wants a kiss.

Thanks, that's pretty much what I was thinking, I told him I need some "single time" but I'm not sure if he got it. I'm trying to help him as much as I can with his issues but I can't really carry anyone without getting my life in order first. That sounds like the classic "it's not you it's me" speech so I didn't want to say it, even if it's true. We are 26 and 29, so I guess there's still hope.

I think I just want that old relationship to stop haunting me (even mods merge my post with the old one about my ex!) and I want to move on, run away from him as fast as I can because the feeling isn't going away as I expected it to.


I went to the gym. Baked cakes with my grandma. Went ice skating. Got drunk with friends and sang in the streets. Tried needlework. Played video games. Made videos. Looked for apartments in Australia in case I want to move there one day. I tried everything. Talking to that man was the most relaxing one. But then one day, I just stood here in my room and it hit me. Was I faking? Probably. Am I still faking? Maybe. Is it still hurting? Yes. A lot.

It's been 11 months since all this started.
I am exhausted.

Was I faking? Probably. Am I still faking? Maybe. Is it still hurting? Yes. A lot.

It's been 11 months since all this started.
I am exhausted.
Time to stop running away. Time to face it head-on. Time for a counselor. Since we don't live near each other, you're going to have to find someone else. I'm here to help with that if needs be.

Whaddya think?

You still have much healing to do, and frankly you may have been moving to fast to replace the hole in your soul. Actually, that's something we all have to deal with, as we try to get beyond our own hurt. Give yourself a break why dontcha. Look at what you have been through for two years, and then having to adjust to the dramatic changes in your life and routine. It's a lot, and you have done a lot of work so far. But you have more to do, so rest up emotionally, and get back in the grove of rebuilding. HOW? No dating, no looking to replace the love and romance, but get a very solid social life. Focus on creative ways to challenge yourself. Like volunteering somewhere that allows you to see how very valuable you are to someone in need, who can do for themselves, and follow that with activities that challenge you as well, like a class, or learning and mastering a new skill.

I think your main problem is dealing with the issues of another, who needs more than you have to give right now.


Is it normal? Will I get over the lack of physical attraction or is it how things will be?

It only seems that way now, but that will change as you get further along in YOUR own program, and leave his alone. Its like a second break up, if you think about it. No wonder you're exhausted emotionally, he drained you. Be patient, and give yourself some time.

It's so ironic, I read every single post since my very first one on this thread. I just realized I kept coming back with the same problem (you guys are so patient) just dealing with it a little better every time.

I took your advice and told everyone that I need some alone time. For my ex, it's been plain, simple. I wrote an email while he was sleeping and blocked/deleted what's left from him before he could wake up. I deleted all his old emails, too. I copied all the videos, documents, pictures on a DVD and put it in a box with his shirts, the sketchbooks with my drawings and everythings else I kept. The box is going to my grandma's attic this weekend.

I had a very heated conversation with my "friend" this morning and told him I can't be anything but his friend, at least for the moment. He said he understands and that I'm not ready. We will keep talking every once in a while, avoid that subject as much as we can.

I am staying away from social life for the moment. I know I should try to get out of my bed, but it feels comfy. I decided to do it slowly, because -obviously- when I try to do it too fast it doesn't work. I was a project manager for art galleries for a while so I will start writing projects again and when I'm ready, I will take them to related places. It makes me stay at home for a bit but still be "in contact" with the "real world"... and I have to admit, my brain didn't really have to work except for video games lately.

What do you think? Is this acceptable as a beginning, or should I force myself to call my friends and go out every day? A friend once said "fake it 'til you make it"... Is it true?

What do you think? Is this acceptable as a beginning, or should I force myself to call my friends and go out every day? A friend once said "fake it 'til you make it"... Is it true?
It sounds like you are beginning to know yourself well enough to assess what you need right now. I'll trust you are doing the right thing. (Bed does sound nice -- just like when I'm sick or upset, I crawl into a cave and pull a rock across the opening.)

You are a fantastic writer and very well-spoken in how you express yourself. I'm rarely impressed, but you managed to impress me. My money is on you for winning this!

8th day and NC is going pretty well, much better than expected actually. Except for a few times where a song or a picture of us unexpectedly appeared on my computer/ipod, I didn't really have any bad moments, I've been going out much more than what thought I would, etc.

I'm staying away from other guys, it's so weird how all your male friends call you more often when you're alone and "be there if you want to talk about it over dinner"... The only one who is really sincere is that "friend" I was talking about before, but I'm still not ready to see him so we just talk and in a weird way, give each other the courage and energy to do things we wouldn't think we were capable of, which is a good thing for me.

It's amazing what a poisoning ex can do to get a hold of you though... My ex found me last night on a messenger I didn't think he knew and although I deleted him, looks like I forgot to block him from 2 of them so the whole time I thought he was blocked, he saw me online. He talked to me for a few minutes and I answered politely, as advised here before. Not giving any details, just kept in mind what someone said once, treating him like I treat my aunt. After a few minutes, he said something about his job and I didn't answer. I waited a few more minutes and just logged off, without saying anything.

I don't feel guilty like I usually do, I don't feel like I broke NC (did I?) as he messaged me now, I was able to block him but I don't know what to do, he confused me. He's there, trying to reach out for me, and he wants me to notice... maybe he's just "checking", am I over-analyzing? I don't even think he wants to get back together, why is he doing this? Was my reaction right or should I just tell him not to talk to me anymore? (at some point, I said "how did you find me?" he answered "well, I logged on and you were online"... did he get the hint or should I just ignore it when he says "hi" the next time?)

Thank you.

I read your whole thread start to finish,that's quite a roller coaster ride you have been on,now it sounds like you just got off the roller coaster,you're a bit dizzy and a bit sick,but you know you going to be all right.

This guy cut you badly,and it takes time and those damn scars can ache sometimes,but your learning from the experience,you learning about yourself in a way you could not have done without this experience.

As for the ex popping in and out,that's like sticking a pin into that scar,stop emotionally self harming,you don't need to hear from him,he does not need to hear from you.

Whether you broke nc or not does not matter,you stuck your toe in the water,and yes,it still hurts and makes you overthink it,so don't do again!

He does not give a flying monkeys about you or the damage he caused.

He does not want what you have to offer,and you regaining your power is attractive,your starting to heal and rebuild,let in into your life via email or down the chimney,he'll break you again.

Once that's in you head,self perversation,heart,mind,body and soul.

Keep building on the work you have already begun.

He's there, trying to reach out for me, and he wants me to notice... maybe he's just "checking", am I over-analyzing? I don't even think he wants to get back together, why is he doing this?
I've been on both sides of this kind of thing--the dumper and the dumpee. He desperately wants you to "remember" him and think well of him. He's just checking to make sure you know he exists and you don't "hate" him. DON'T FALL FOR IT!!

Thanks for taking the time to answer... I'm quite new to this feeling (I don't want him back... what happened to me?! :p) when I read my first posts I want to bang my head against a wall... You are right, sometimes I don't really know how to feel but thanks to these pages of advice here (I saw a few stories similar to mine, too) I know pretty much how I can deal with it.

Yes, I do "feel dizzy", between breakups, divorces, marriage proposals, international moving, 20 hour flights back and forth... waking up and dancing while I put on my make-up doesn't feel right sometimes. I should be in my bed watching The Notebook for the 9th time and crying, but I'm not.

As for breaking NC, I was just wondering because it became one of the things I base my life on right now. NC and my "to do" list are the things that make me get out of my bed and feel stronger every day so I was really hoping you wouldn't say that I'm back to day #1...

I don't see why he'd care about me remembering him or hating him (I could care less if he hates me or forgets me, I didn't even ask him to send my clothes/books this time) so I thought there would be another reason... After I read your answers I decided not thinking about it is probably the best answer. He keeps trying to initiate contact with me for some weird reason and "meh, whatever" seems like the answer to all my questions right now...

Just wanted to make sure if I'm doing the right thing because I don't ever want to feel like I did again, so I get scared whenever he finds me.
And thank you all for being so patient :o

Just remember this and it may help you to stay on NC better.

Every time you answer his attempts at contact , it makes HIM feel better , because he then knows he still has some sort of hold on you.

Stuff him , that's what I say ;)

He is probably curious, wants to see if he still has a hold on you, if you still remember him. Sounds like a selfish prig to me.
Ignore him, he will get the message.

Remember this: the first time you are hurt by someone you're a victim. Any subsequent times, you have volunteered.
Unless you just have a thing for pain, don't volunteer for it.
I wish you well.

Thanks for taking the time to answer... I'm quite new to this feeling (I don't want him back... what happened to me?!! :p) when I read my first posts I want to bang my head against a wall... You are right, sometimes I don't really know how to feel but thanks to these pages of advice here (I saw a few stories similar to mine, too) I know pretty much how I can deal with it.

Yes, I do "feel dizzy", between breakups, divorces, marriage proposals, international moving, 20 hour flights back and forth... waking up and dancing while i put on my make-up doesn't feel right sometimes. I should be in my bed watching The Notebook for the 9th time and crying, but I'm not.

As for breaking NC, I was just wondering because it became one of the things I base my life on right now. NC and my "to do" list are the things that make me get out of my bed and feel stronger every day so I was really hoping you wouldn't say that I'm back to day #1...

I don't see why he'd care about me remembering him or hating him (I could care less if he hates me or forgets me, I didn't even ask him to send my clothes/books this time) so I thought there would be another reason... After I read your answers I decided not thinking about it is probably the best answer. He keeps trying to initiate contact with me for some weird reason and "meh, whatever" seems like the answer to all my questions right now...

Just wanted to make sure if I'm doing the right thing because I don't ever want to feel like I did again, so I get scared whenever he finds me.
And thank you all for being so patient :o

You are doing good:D

Please feel free to merge if needed, I just thought people shouldn't read the entire story over and over again. Thank you.

I've been in a very difficult relationship for years and got out of it a few months ago. Went NC, everything going fine, I'm still moving on, slow and steady. Finally got my life together recently. I know I'm on the right way, even though I'm not there yet. From the dumpee sitting in her bed in pjs at her parents' house, eating constantly and crying all day with an empty bank account, no job, no boyfriend, I reached the point where I am today... A little determination made miracles at the gym, I got my driver's licence, a job that I like (and I keep looking for a better one) and even someone I feel close to, who is patiently waiting for me to heal and "we'll see where it goes" (his words.)

I had a few rough days where I missed my ex (even after all he's done) wondered what he was doing, but I was fine with my NC, it didn't even feel so hard to do this time. Of course he was blocked, deleted on all my social networks, instant messengers and I was getting used to it.

Here's my problem : he keeps making new accounts every now and then and adding me, I don't want to seem rude and honestly I have no problem adding him or talking to him right now (I mean, what is he going to do? I have a much better lifestyle and I feel better) so I accept and politely answer his questions. But he keeps bringing up the good times we had and basically asks me if I'll ever go back to him every time we talk, even make plans about how and when we should see each other again. I told him I feel uncomfortable and that we broke up for a reason but it's affecting my life.
He sounds sincere but eventually gets to me and makes me cry sometimes, or wonder if I made a mistake -even though I know I don't want to be with him- I'm scared he will get aggressive or do something stupid if I'm too blunt about it but then it makes me feel like I'm the one giving him hope. I'm scared if I ever date someone else he will bother me. Yet if I delete him again I'm sure he will find me in a few days/weeks or talk again to our common friends and tell them how much he misses me etc.

Thank you for your help.

Sorry but this problem will continue to happen unless you stick to strict NO CONTACT, because you already are seeing what contact with him is doing to you. Come on Pan, get back on the NC path and stay on it, no matter what he tries to do. You really have to be unavailable to him, rude or not, because you sure aren't sticking to your guns by talking to him, are you?

You are the one in control. Stop handing it over to him. Stay NC.

Okay, going back to the old plan but I still don't want to be rude... I even tried the famous "LOSER" techniques, i.e. told him I'm emotionally numb, that I don't feel anything (it didn't work) I tried the "I think I'll be dating someone soon" thing (which was a worse idea) I even tried to tell him the truth, that it hurts and I don't want to hurt anymore... Nothing worked. Am I going to block him forever if he decides he won't give up, while he adds me on new accounts every week? I'm tired of trying to explain (and I'm sure you guys are tired of listening to me) but I don't have any solution...

Your worried about being rude to someone that doesn't take hints? Be rude so you can heal. Block, delete, ignore! That's not being rude, that's self preservation.

Tell him to leave you alone and be emphatic. You can get on with your life or he can keep making you miserable.

Am I going to block him forever if he decides he won't give up, while he adds me on new accounts every week? I'm tired of trying to explain (and I'm sure you guys are tired of listening to me) but I don't have any solution...

This is going to get a bit harsh:

How does he keep adding you without you accepting a request? Why do you keep accepting requests from accounts you don't know?

Check your privacy settings and make certain they are set to allow only Friends to contact you. It doesn't matter who he gets information from as long as you stop giving him any more.

Take some responsibility for leading him on and feeding him false hope. Every time you allow contact, you are leading him on. You are telling him that you are still available to him through your actions. You say don't contact me, but you accept and return his advances.

You say that you have tried to tell him to stop. You have used words that have no meaning because your actions don't match. I think you need to take a harder look at 'not wanting to be rude'. I think you might find that you are keeping this going for other reasons than appearing 'rude'.

How is it NC if you're still talking to him? I'd understand some neutral topics, but discussing old issues of your relationship, reason for break ups, feelings and would you go back to him - that's totally off limits.

It's not about being rude. It's about owning it up and showing some self respect. This guy broke up with you multiple times, now he is asking would you consider going back? And that's not rude of him?

Wake up, pandead. I remember your thread from the last year. You lost your little perfect life in Paris because of him, moved back in with your parents, he left you totally devastated with no job or money - and now you're afraid to be rude to him, come on. Out of all people out there, he deserves it.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to "LEAVE YOU AlONE". If you want this guy out of your life for good you cannot sugarcoat and ask why or what if.

He treated you like scum and if you want more of the same , keep letting him call the shots and jerking you around.

He's a jerk and if you don't end this you're asking for everything he dishes out.

Ignoring someone who has treated you like crap and continues to poop on you is not being rude.
It is called, not being a fool, not allowing you to walk on me again.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.

As Cat1864 said "How does he keep adding you without you accepting a request? Why do you keep accepting requests from accounts you don't know?

Check your privacy settings and make certain they are set to allow only Friends to contact you. It doesn't matter who he gets information from as long as you stop giving him any more.

You have the power. Stop giving it back to him.

You are the one who has to put a stop to this. If you don't, you'll be right back at square one!

He doesn't want you! He just wants you around to play with cause he knows he can.

If you didn't want him in your life he wouldn't be.

You are letting him do this.

Either go NC or don't. You are the one who is playing games now.

Hello all and thank you for your advices. It wasn't harsh at all, it actually made me think why I was really talking to him.

- I realized the first reason is guilt. I feel terribly guilty for saying no to his marriage proposal, for not being able to forgive him one more time, even though I know it's wrong, he plays me with this all the time because he knows I hate breaking people's hearts.

- Second reason is fear. I know him and I know how he does terrible things when he's mad and unfortunately he knows things about me, my family, even our friends that he shouldn't know. I'm scared he will "use" this information if I make him mad.

- Third reason is another kind of fear. I will be 30 next year and my to-do list is full of dreams I couldn't realize yet. I think it's the reason why he keeps talking about "our" house and the family we'd have. He keeps making me think that it would work and that we'd forget everything to live happily ever after (umm, okay.)

- Then a kind of revenge. Revenge is a strong word and I know it's stupid, but I'm sure you understand. I want him to see what I became. He treated me like crap and made me feel stupid, useless. He made me feel so ugly. I want him to see who I really am and realize what he lost - that's the tricky part because I let him sweet talk to me and at some point I feel terrible about it.

The last one is probably habit, because I loved him so much for so long that I still miss him sometimes. I want his attention even though I can't give him what he wants. It's selfish. Oh well.

I was thinking I could write him an email today and tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore, but I guess I will just block him again and keep my mouth shut.


EDIT : I just wrote it anyway. Kept it simple, told him that I will never forgive him for the past year and that he should move on. I changed my settings also so only people on my list can contact me :)

Third reason is another kind of fear. I will be 30 next year and my to-do list is full of dreams I couldn't realize yet. I think it's the reason why he keeps talking about "our" house and the family we'd have. He keeps making me think that it would work and that we'd forget everything to live happily ever after (umm, okay.)

Here's an item to add to the list (it sounds like you are already working on it): Get the ex totally out of your life.

You have said that you have someone waiting for you to fully get over your ex. Have fun getting to know him and others.

Maybe you need to tweak the 'list' a little bit to reflect where you are now in your life and maybe see if some of those dreams need a few changes made to them.

Revenge is knowing that you are doing better and are happier whether he knows it or not.

Habits are hard to break. That's why NC is the cold turkey way of getting over a relationship. It is to help you get out of the rut you have been caught in.

As for the fear of what he knows and what he might do, there's not much you can do now other than limit any damage he can do.

IF the email helped you close and lock the door, good. IF he responds to it, ignore him and block whatever address he uses. DO NOT respond to it. Go out and have fun instead. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Good luck.

Hey all,

Just a little update :)

I responded to that email and it lead to a painful conversation that night. I cried a lot, he cried too. He seemed to have accepted the breakup and I felt okay... until the next day. I got an email from him saying "please come back, I lied" with a subtle threat about what he can do if I don't come back. I think it's when he really disgusted me...

So it's been 1 month and 2 days of NC now, which is my record (every time I went NC before, he found me and I ended up trying to be "friends" so it's my real first "NO contact") and - I'm knocking on wood here - my life is GREAT!

I took your advice and deleted my email accounts (so everyone -including him- who sent me emails got messages saying my account doesn't exist. I recently deleted my facebook (https://ssl.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=delete_account) account as well and it felt awesome! (I put the link for those who could use it)

I keep getting scared sometimes thinking he must be up to something and he would one day show up at my doorstep, but now I know I'm strong enough to nicely tell him whatever I need to if it happens. I didn't want to jump into another relationship just yet but I feel I'm slowly getting ready.

Thank you all for your help and I hope I won't post on this thread anymore (at least for a while! :D)

Thank you all for your help and I hope I won't post on this thread anymore (at least for a while! :D

No offense, but I hope you won't feel the need to post on this thread (at least not for advice) for awhile, too. :)

I am glad you are finally using NC and moving forward. Best of luck for a bright future.

I am so happy for you. I love updates like that - people come here totally heartbroken and devastated, and slowly they are getting a grip and starting moving on - some are quicker, some are slower, but they do it.

Best of luck to you, and keep posting.

Hi everyone.

You don't have to read my whole story. My name is pandead. I would pick panda, but when I first came here, I thought I was dead. My life was meaningless without "the One", the person who cheated on me and lied to me, the person I forgave and took back countless times. I was miserable, confused, staring at my "things to do before 30" list... "Getting married, having kids" and the rest of my dreams shattered with the breakup.

With the help I got here, I decided to change. I crossed off those and replaced them with "seeing the ocean" and "visiting a city where I've never been before." I got a haircut, too - because we all have to start somewhere.

I started sending applications for jobs the next week, 41 total. Got 11 interviews, 1 job at the end. I lost 20 pounds, gained 6, changed my hair color. I called my friends. Spent a weekend at my grandma's looking at her old pictures and baking cakes. Got a manucure for the first time and loved it. I spoiled myself. I had bad times too, crying for entire nights, watching Sleepless in Seattle, going on boring dates with boring people but I knew I had to change all this.

8 months after the breakup, I was going on my 3rd month of NC and I decided I was finally ready for a dinner with the man who became my best friend. I called him and asked if he wanted to meet on Christmas day. He said he would be overseas with his family and asked if I wanted to join them. I took a plane and met him there, in one of the most wonderful cities I've ever seen.

My ex has been trying to contact me for months and when I was ready, I talked to him. We talked about our lives, I figured he just needed an ending to all this, too. He sounded mature, it was peaceful. Like a goodbye.

If you're reading this and going through a painful breakup, wondering if the pain ever ends; 10 months after my first post here, I can tell, it does. Time heals all wounds, it does get better with a little effort. It's an amazing journey to discover who you really are and how you can handle things you never thought you could. It's not too late to cross things off your list and make new decisions for the new year...


My name is pandead but I'm very much alive.
My best friend (who is now my boyfriend) took me to the ocean the day after Christmas.
I will be 30 in a few months.

Thank you all.

I am very happy for you.

Inspiring. Good for you and good luck for the future!

Thank you for the update, Panda.

I am so happy that things are going well for you. May this be a wonderful new year for you.

Congratulations on everything:) 2011 is going to ROCK:D

I love good endings, when people find out they can be happy if they want to. Bravo!

I am so happy for you, I remember how broken you were back then and in how much pain. Best of luck to you and thank you for the update!