Hello,

I am married for about an year,its an aggarnged marriage and expecting our 1st child, my husband came to know that I had an affair before marriage for almost 2 years that too 2 years before our marriage, he was very upset to know this.

I even tried to tell him this before marriage but he refused saying that don't tell all this as it may cause problems in the future but some where I felt guilty so I tried to tell him after marriage also but couldn't tell him, now because of my mistake he came to know about it after seeing my mails.

When he asked me about it I initially refused it as he was worried with some business issues but afterwards I accepted it.

When he asked me what happened then I told him that I wasn't really intrested in him but some how got into it but after 2 yrs I realised that he wasn't right for me and I brokeup when his mother denied for marriage.but my husband feels that this can't be reson for break up and says families do oppose such things but one would always try again.he feels we had physical relationship and stuff like that, I told him that we met very few times and we didn't even went to restaurents, movies, not even going around with him on his bike. We didn't even kiss not even a hug! But he has no trust on my word any more as I lied initially about it.

He feels that in a 2 year relationship what ever I say is impossible he says how can a boy and a girl be in a relationship for 2 years and not even kiss or hug he feels I am lying and thinks I was physically involved with him.

I have told him that it wasn't like that and now I don't know how to convince him. He is really down and I feel very bad to see him in this state I feel responsible for all this .

Be both love each other a lot and don't want to spoil this relationship he is trying to get over it but is finding it difficult to let it go.

What should I do
Help!

I know the cultures are different, it was before you married him, even if you had been physciial withhim, there is nothing to get over since it was over before you were with him.

He has to deal with his own insecurities. You can try to convince him what you say is the truth, but until he wants to believe, he will continue to be upset.

Your past is your past as his past is his. Together you are presently building the future. Concentrate on your baby and daily life. Let him work out his own issues.

It takes time to repair the damaged trust. You lied to him, so you can't expect him to get over this overnight.

The important part is to be patient with each other and continue to work hard to rebuild the trust.

Instead of trying to justify your actions and revisiting the past, why not focus on the future? Why not focus on what you two can do to make your relationship stronger, instead of constantly arguing about the past?

Take some positive steps in strengthening the marriage. Don't go backwards.

I'd say talk to each other more about your future together rather than the past.

He is slowly getting a grasp at it. His bad mood will also eventually go away. So relax, don't make it worse for him by looking so anxious. It's all right! He is getting over it. It's now time for you to think of how to cheer him up.

I think this is an issue he must overcome himself, as not sure about your lies or what he found in your emails, but a man should trust his wife, especially if he had a chance to hear you out BEFORE you were married.

Frankly what you did 2 years before him, SHOULD NOT be any issue. But for the record, what was this lie you refer too? Let me guess, you two kept in touch as friends?

It takes time to repair the damaged trust. You lied to him, so you can't expect him to get over this overnight.

The important part is to be patient with each other and continue to work hard to rebuild the trust.

Instead of trying to justify your actions and revisiting the past, why not focus on the future? Why not focus on what you two can do to make your relationship stronger, instead of constantly arguing about the past?

Take some positive steps in strengthening the marriage. Don't go backwards.

Hi
Thanks for your reply
I said the same thing to him that lets look ahead and stop talking about the past, the past which I don't even remember but he keeps asking about the past

Hi thanks for the reply
When he saw my mails and asked weather there was any such relationship I said no and said we were just close friends, well he saw a folder where our initials were jointly written and ours mails and chats (he mentioned sweetheart and stuff like that in the mails) ,

But after couple of days when he asked again I accepted everything, so in a way I lied to him which makes him distrust me. Again the reason why he feels that I am lieying to him now is that I told him in 2 yrs relationship we never ever went out for date not even huged or kissed each other no physical contact, which he feels is a little hard to digest and feels that I am hiding things from him.

He has sen many cases in his college days where couples have done sex also in much shorter relationships.I told him that I come from a different backgroung where I haven't seen all this but he isn't listening and keeps putting his logic

I think this is an issue he must overcome himself, as not sure about your lies or what he found in your emails, but a man should trust his wife, especially if he had a chance to hear you out BEFORE you were married.

Frankly what you did 2 years before him, SHOULD NOT be any issue. But for the record, what was this lie you refer too? Let me guess, you two kept in touch as friends?

Dear Talaniman

I have replied to you question reply

Can I ask a question?

Were you a virgin when you married your husband?

If so, did he not notice that? Because if he did then there's your proof that you didn't have sex with this ex friend. I won't call him a boyfriend because he wasn't on, you never even kissed or hugged or anything. You're just friends, always have been.

Please just relax, and be honest with each other, and take into account he has to learn the way of women, and for that matter, find his own manhood.

You both are learning each others ways, and patience, and understanding are something you both must have for each other, as you learn, and grow into each others ways, and that takes time. You have a lifetime, and the process will not be perfect, you both will make mistakes along the way, but let your love for each other get you through the good times, and the bad, and trust me there will be bad times and all you will have is what you have together. Work together and enjoy the process. That's what marriage is about, being willing to work together.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/wife-affair-some-one-before-marriage-452575.html

Is this your husband? If it is, he will come around, once he gets his head wrapped around the fact that he has to be as open, and honest as he expects you to be. His obligation, and responsibility is to work with you. But guys are difficult, as the same stubbornness that get us through hard times, is the stubbornness that makes us take a long time to get our minds together with our mates.

We just learn slower than females do. That's what my wife told me, so I know its correct because she also told me she is smarter than me, and I should listen better, and do as she says. After more than 30 years, I am still working on it.



I agree to what you say but its difficult to convince him on the physical relationship matter as he has lost trust in me and feels I am lying. He says he that I know that he will not accept physical relationship that's why may be I am hiding things from him.

He will need time to get his head together, but you must be firm in telling him he had a chance to hear the truth, but refused to listen. You also must be firm in not letting him badger you about it. He either will believe you, or not, and you must tell him so.

I think he is overly sensitive, and will hardly be fair.

I think he's being a jerk. And I wonder if his reaction to your non-sexual relationship 2 years prior to marrying him, has something to do with HIS past actions before he married you. He sure seems to have something in his past that perhaps has his conscience kicking up some guilt.

Has he ever had a prior relationship? Did he ever kiss a girl? Did he ever do more than that while out with his buddis on a Friday night in a singles bar?

If he can be so upset with you over nothing, what does the future hold. How will he react if he thinks you looked at a man sideways or shows this posessive, childish reaction to something similarly innocent.

My opinion is, he's got a past, and he's making your non-issue the reason to hide it.

First, please review these rules on using the 'agree/disagree' feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html.

Second, is this your husband: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/wife-affair-some-one-before-marriage-452575.html?

Third, if it is your husband (or if your husband is anything like that poster), then his problems with your past are something that he has to deal with on his own or with the help of a marriage/personal counselor. Anything that you say or do is suspect as far as he is concerned. You could tell him the absolute truth about everything for the rest of your lives, but, until he is ready to let it go, he will still have problems with your past.

You both seem so intent on what 'was' that I hope you remember the baby that will be here before you realize it. Focus on being ready for the child. Working together to prepare the baby's things can be a bonding experience for the two of you. Let the shared memories take the place of the individual past memories.

I don't think this is as much to do with her 'past', which was not a sexual past with another man, as it is with a controlling husband.

Religious and cultural differences aside, there is respect, love, tolerance, honesty, and communication in any relationship, particularly a marriage.

That he doesn't have a reason to behave in such a disrespectul, selfish way toward you, means that, in my opinion, the reason for his behaviour, is not yet known.

While you keep trying to understand why he is so fixated on something that didn't happen, and he keeps pushing a non-issue, is not something you are responsible for. He needs to address why he is being so insecure.

While you suffer the consequences of his behaviour, he is doing nothing to address this obsession about you and some other guy, two years before you married him.

Can you see that, or are you prepared to just keep on with defending yourself. Try to put the focus on why he is doing this, and stick up for yourself.

You do not need to suffer with a sentence imposed upon you, to appease his insecurity, or his own past, or for whatever reason he has chosen to be stuck on a non-issue that he has blown out of proportion.

My opinion is, again, is that he has to get over himself, apologize to you, and move on.

Heartbroken,
I know in some culture, while arrange marriage is virtue, virginity is absolutely required for bride. If the bride is not virgin, it is a big time deal breaker. It hurts the marriage and man's pride badly.

On the another hand, men are supposed to be virgin as well, but if they had physical relationship prior to marriage, it is quite acceptable in my understanding. Rght? It is a clearly double standard, and has to be fixed.

I do not think your husband will easily forgive (?) you or apologize to you. He can keep making it as a serious issue if he is bothered by it so deeply. It is tough one. I have a feeling that you will live with guilty feeling for the rest of life in this marriage if you do not get any professional intervention.
It will not be equal relationhsip.

Can you guys please get some professional counseling and can be more honest to each other before it is getting more serious? Are you in a position to initiate the talk openly for this matter rationally or is he just shutting off from you?

Just because someone cannot wrap their head around the idea of not having sex, doesn't mean it can't happen.

To say everyone does it (have sex) is not true. If it were, then he would have to be more accepting of her, but he is not. And there would be no virgins to marry.

To love someone is to accept their past, no matter what it is. And if you can't deal with it in a mature manner, you're certainly not ready for marriage.

Its all getting very confusing... I can't decide what to do!

I don't see where there is anything you have to do, but ask him how you can help him get over it.

If he can't handle the truth, he can sleep on the couch, or go back to his mamas house.

(Not my words, but what my wife tells me when I am Less than mature, and become pesky and get stuck on stupid!)

My has asked me for divorse suggest me what to do. He is waiting for my delivery which is after 2 months, after that he will tell his parents. I'm blank not understanding what to do , he has lost complete trust in me. I dontwant to leave him.

It is so sad your husband is STILL stuck with the past, keep trying to torture you, and threatening you by mentioning divorce. It is really shame he wants to abandon his own baby as well (even in his empty threat)!
He needs to really grow up as a man. What kind of father tries to abandon the innocent baby even before born? Baby is not a hostage to threaten a wife.
This man will never make his life happy if he does not change his view point & victim mentality. He seems enjoy misery, constantly focus on something not perfect, tortures himself and others around him. What is the point? He is making everyone miserable including him.

I just hope when the baby is born, his father instinct kicks in, and grow up as CARE GIVER not ATTENTION TAKER reasonably.
Please stay strong, and take care yourself and baby in any circumstances. He should come around. He is just confused now, and does not know how to stop the hurting feeling for now. How is your baby doing? Your baby's smile will melt down all the family issue very soon. When is due date?

I feel so bad you are suffering so much, and I am here again to help.
Your husband seems way confused between dead-past memory and reality, and it impacts your marriage tremendously.
It seems to me, he is overly playing self-pity game like a child, and you are playing sorry wife role accordingly, and it makes your marriage worse as time goes by, and you guys are in worst loop without healing. That's why I suggested having a mediator or marriage counselor. It seems you have not tried for some reason. I can see you suffered enough.

You guys do not have real communication, so you guys cannot move on. Your husband's cold shoulder, silence and divorce threatening treatment will not resolve this issue at all, you have no idea how to handle it but just take it and suffer. It is bad.

You are not the problem of this marriage. He is. He is victimizing himself, baby and mostly you. Be strong, stand up for yourself, baby, and him, fight for your happy marriage. Crying over his torturing will not do anything for you.

Sit down with him today not tomorrow, look into his eyes (I always do when I need to talk sincerely), talk honest what has happened, and tell him you are willing to devote yourself to make your husband and baby for the rest of life, and let's move on together for baby VERBALLY & CLEARLY.
This is what I will say if I am in your position.
“I am sorry, but you need to stop this, and I cannot let you divorce me. You have punished me enough. I got your message VERY clearly. If I have time machine, I go back to past, lock myself in cave, and would not talk to anyone before I met you. But I cannot do it. So, I will do my best to make it up to you, and make you happy. Let's stop here. We can build the happiest marriage from here with our baby. We are supposed to be together for the rest of lives. Love me just like you promised me as husband as you promised. I will be your best wife ever. Divorce is not option. Period.”

You are the mother of his baby, and he has life long obligation to love & respect you as wife. That is what the marriage about. It is JUST SILLY & CHILDISH he is sabotaging the whole marriage due to the insignificant past, which happened long before marriage. You need to be strong for yourself and your confused husband. He needs to be reasonable.

I have to assume that dating someone is not acceptable in your culture. So as divorce. Divorce is not acceptable in your culture. He has clearly double standard, confused head, and no direction, but just having fun with the blaming game. It is just silly and useless. If he divorce you, abandon you his baby, will he find a better girl who never dated any person as his life? No way! 0% Chance. So, how silly is this? It is just NON SENSE!!

Your husband's jealousy over your past was somewhat cute, but not anymore, and getting out of control, and monstrous. Give him a sweet treatment tonight as lover (you know what I mean), and make sure he is VERY happy.

FYI.
I know men will not agree with me, but I found out that men are like just children sometimes, and need constant assurance and ego boost. :)

If I were YOUR father, I would kick his arse, for putting my daughter, and my future grandchild through such infantile, BS!

But then, maybe its for the best, that you rid yourself of such a man who can never be happy himself, nor wants to try, and make others happy.

My due date is on 29th may .my huby is very angry on me and is telling me to go away from his life .I am very afraid . I'm from india . He says I always give different answers this has built distrust in him.I have decided to go at my mom's place I can't stay in such situation because this is affecting me and child very badly. Help me out.

I think it is best to stay away from this man anyway. He is causing you nothing but grief. He is going to use this as an excuse to walk out and not have any responsibility with his child which makes it even worse. He is just trying to skip out to make his life easier. Obviously he can not deal with the responsibility of a family and I say good riddens. You are better off without him as a husband or father to your baby. Raise your baby on your own with the help of your family and everything will be fine.

my due date is on 29th may .my huby is very angry on me and is telling me to go away from his life .i am very afraid . i m from india . he says i always give different answers this has built distrust in him.i have decided to go at my mom's place i can't stay in such situation coz this is affecting me n child very badly. help me out.

I completely understand you. His cruel torturing will not help your unborn baby. You really need to focus on taking care of yourself and your baby. Where are you iving now? In US?

Incredible. Your husband is ready to divorce you for something in your past? Ask him how will he make sure that the next girl he marries is what he imagines. His chances of finding that type of a girl he desires (i.e. who has never met anyone) is rather slim. There is no girl who has been waiting for him all her life! Is it better that he has you who wants to stay with him despite his ridiculous behavior, or would it be better he marries again and finds himself with someone who for all he knows would be wishing she was NOT with him. How can he be sure this will not happen!?

Dear heartbroken's husband , if you are reading this, please open your eyes and make sure heartbroken doesn't remain heart broken. Life is not a bollywood fantasy, look around you and talk to some people to open your eyes.

If he can't get over your past, then unfortunately this relationship is doom to fail. He can't find it in himself to be happy with you, while you're hoping for a fantasy that you can find happiness with him. Happiness can't be forced, it comes naturally.

It doesn't really matter who's right/wrong or good/bad. The point is, if he really loved you, he would find a way to cope and work hard with you to repair the trust. It's obvious that he's given up. I know it's easier said than done, but now it's time for you to let him go as well.

I would love to know what your father says to him, please update when that happens.

You sure picked a class A idiot to marry, and that is sad.

I would love to know what your father says to him, please update when that happens.

You sure picked a class A idiot to marry, and that is sad.

I wonder just how much choice they had in an arranged marriage and if this is his way of getting out something he didn't want in the first place.

heartbroken, there are more men out there who truly care about women and don't judge them on their past.

May you have a safe pregnancy and delivery. :)

My husband loves me a lot I have seen this, that's why I don't want to leave him. I and my baby both need him.I can't live without him.

You will have to, if he doesn't grow up, and get over himself. Then you will have no choice.

I think once a few older guys slap his head for being foolish, and immature, he will come around, but for you... stop accepting his childish behavior, or he will continue to act as a child!
Don't let your love blind you to your responsibility to yourself , and your child, and family, to stand up for yourself, yourself esteem, and your dignity as a wife, to NOT be abused by this big KID!!

You would not be wrong for that, and a queen of the house deserves that respect!

Act like the queen of the house because you ARE!!!

Hi
I am also undergoing the same stage but they will never trust you what ever you say.what is set is set.
I can understand you