Im 24 yrs old... and married for the last 4yrs... we have a3yr old daughter,and well settled in Dubai.I have many issues in my marriage life,especially with my in laws.. they are very much snubbing me treating me like nobody in their family and well shouting to me about my parents and telling rubbish to me so I just can't stand them anymore..
Now I will tell everything in detail... from the third day after our wedding... My MIL told me that your parents should bring some gifts(home Appliances) to their home as a tradition.but they didn't do that,because my parents thought that it is not fair for them to ask like that.. and instead of home Appliances they gave me 10 sovereigns of gold ornaments.
Then after an year in got pregnant and there is some tradition in our family on the seventh month of pregnancy(the women's family have to come to the Menes family then gve the preggey lady a gift(gold) and sweets which should be 7 items in number as concerned to the month of pregnancy)and you know what she demanded that the gold should be not less than 10 Sovereign.And I told my parents about this and they agreed,and before tow or three days of the function she (MIL) was talking to me in her bedroom in between the talks she told me that "YOUR PARENTS HAVE NOT DONE THE VERY FIRST TRADITION OF GIVING GIFTS AS HOME APPLIANCES SO THIS IS A CHANCE TO GIVE,SO TELL YOUR PARENTS TO BUY A CUPBOARD AND A INVERTER TOO WITH THE GOLD ORNAMENTS"I was really depressed of hearing this she only have to talk about money and gold,I felt sad about this and I told my mother about the talk and she told me tell her (MIL)to call her(my mother)to tell the items she want for her home.and without any shame she called my parents and told my mother that there is a pending tradition so you have to do that,then my mother lose the grip of her tongue and had a big argument with my(MIL)she was so ashamed of that incident and told me that tell you parents that don't bring that home Appliances... I told my hus about this and he told that my mother would not have talk like that,yes I agree with him but she(MIL) is beyond my control.. I CAN'T STAND HER ANYMORE.. and the day of function came all the demands of my IN LAWS WERE SATISFIED TOO(11 AND HALF SOVEREIGN OF GOLD,SEVEN ITEMS OF SWEETS(SERVES 40),CUPBOARD,INVERTER)and the function went all fine and that eve in went to my parents place.. (my home)
After two months... 9 months they(my in laws)wants to come to see me according to their tradition they have to bring sweets and all when they visit me and it should be in 9 items too they bought only 5 or 4 which is not enough to share within the family... (its a custom)as of the seventh month.My parents kept quiet on this matter after they have left we went to a bakery and bought items 9 in number and share it to all family members... as if they(in laws)bought for me...
After 2 weeks I got deliverd with a beautiful baby girl(MASHA ALLAH).things went all fine.My hus came to see we both.. he was happy and he went back to Dubai after a week.Then came the next issue is forming (I TOLD MY HUSBAND THT YOUR PARENTS SHOULD DO WELL ON THE DAY OF Function AS IF THEY SHOULD GIFT THE BABY WELL WITH GOLD,DRESS DRESS FOR ME AND MY FAMILY) we have a costom(40th day bath)in that day everybody will be invited and they will give gift for the baby GOLD WHICH THEY GIFTED WERE FROM MY HUSBAND later I came to know about that.. (like dress,gold,toys,dress for me)on that day she came so late and gift the baby gold,and dress(which were of poor quality)and dress for me and my mother only nobody else.I losse my temper and shouted to my hus that they haven't done anythng for me as a costom but your parents want everything to be in the same coustom, and we all had a big argument for that matter
And now also my in laws are talking rubbish on my parents.. saying that they haven't gave me anythng more etc.. they even don't attended any function invited by my relatives but my parents should attended all the function of theirs.I JUST HATE THEM(in laws)
Last time when we were on vacction at our home town... I visited my in laws too and wished to stay with them for a month but after a week she started snubbing me.. and after a while of peacefull talks she strted GETTING INTO MY NERVES and I too stared shouthing at her face,She was telling about my dowary,money mis behaviour and I too talked to her in the same tone.I can't STAND HER ANYMORE... she was telling me that you just get out from my home.
NOW I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOU ALL... ONLY ONE THING... she is comng to spend her vaccation with us here in Dubai.. SHE WILL REPEAT THE SAME AS SHE DID BEFORE... SO WHAT ALL BOUNDARIES SHOULD I KEEP IN FRONT IN ORDER TO MOVE AWAY FROM HER... I UNDERSTOOD THT I CAN'T BE CLOSE TO HER ANYMORE I HATE HER A LOT.. I feel annoyed grrrahhh... HELP

It seems that the only problems you have are caused by material things. It isn't all about money and possessions.

Tick

Wow.

I'd say that there is nothing much you can do to separate yourself from your husband's relatives, particularly his mother.

You have many, many years to put up with her, so my advice to you is find a way. If you cannot talk to her with respect, don't talk to her at all. Perhaps she will get the picture. Don't lose your cool, do what you have to do while she is in your home, and take the high road.

I would find that impossible myself, and likely would just take a hotel room but I realize you can't do that without causing even more trouble.

Do your best, and good luck.

Are you all in the same caste/sect?

OP has tremendous anger issues, mostly directed at her keyboard, which from the looks of it took quite a beating. I hope she doesn't have high blood pressure, or will soon, if her anger gets away with her like this. I have to say this though, and OP may not like it, but I tend to recognize that she may be getting her own way too much; not used to being told NO. So, she should get a grip soon before she causes much harm to the ones she cares about the most.

Tick

Look, to be honest it's very difficult to comment on the customs of another culture, so I'm not going to comment on all the traditions, the gold, the appliances, the presents, etc.

Your MIL is clearly a pain in the butt, and is interested in what she can get. This is not unusual in any culture! However, it seems as if some of your traditions may, in the end, encourage this sort of greed.

It also sounds as if you're doing too much shouting. What has this actually achieved? Not much by the sounds of it, because now you hate your MIL, and I'm sure she probably feels the same about you! Your MIL is what she is and no amount of shouting is going to change her.

My only advice is that you have as little to do with them as possible. Why don't you pay for them to stay in a nice hotel (of which there are many, I'm sure in Dubai) instead of staying with you. Let them know you and your husband want to give them a treat and put them up in an expensive hotel. That way, you only have to see them when you want to.

I'd also suggest you stop shouting and start developing some tolerance - this woman will be in your life for many years to come - your child will want to know her grandmother - what's the point of creating bad family relationships?

Are you all in the same caste/sect?

Yeah.. we are of the same caste and well an arranged marriage too.. I'm really down now a days.. no one is getting my point of view.. I was very frindely and loveble to my MIL.til she changed her behaviour... she all wants is money and things all though she had plenty... she needs everythng to be done from my parents and at last talks rubbish about them... so I can't stand that telling my parents this and that... I really hate that bad mouthing than any other issue.. I love my dad and mom a lot...

While I am not of your culture, I don't see any good coming from any ones behavior that is negative. I understand standing up for your parents, but I also know it takes a lot of time, and patience to get others to see and respect your view, but I think it starts with communicating your displeasure, through words and actions that they can understand.

My culture doesn't put a lot on the specifics of tradition, but more on the essence and the meaning of them. So I may be downplaying the importance of them not meeting your standards, but while you want a measure of respect, its easier done by actions and words, that sooth, and unite, than tantrums and fits, and you sound like a pretty hot emotional firecracker with a temper.

What does your family say to this? I bet they tell you to be patient, as it takes time for things to happen in the real world, where no one is perfect, or able to always meet your expectations, and adjustments don't happen over night.

I think that's the key for you, don't expect people to change, nor take their shortcomings so personal when they do not, or cannot, act as you want them too,

Now you can make a point, and a strong one, of them not bad mouthing your parents in front of you. That's reasonable. And your parents are old enough, and wise enough to stand for themselves, and handle his family as they see fit.

Maybe taking a page from the way they handle themselves will give you some insights, into how you can better cope with your husbands family.

No matter what others do, or how they do it, right or wrong, it is only your actions, and your words you have control over.

I think you have been giving some GREAT advice. The only thing I would add is to remember... When they are talking "rubbish" about you and your family.. it says MORE about THEIR character than yours.

In our culture the girl's side traditionally gives a lot to the boy's side only if the girl is expected to become a full-time housewife. I assume from your post that you are not working and as such your mother in law is correct. It is difficult to support an extra person in India, a land with no welfare and pension provisions. If you don't like it then get q job and I am certain that the demands will stop.

In our culture the girl's side traditionally gives a lot to the boy's side only if the girl is expected to become a full-time housewife. I assume from your post that you are not working and as such your mother in law is correct. It is difficult to support an extra person in India, a land with no welfare and pension provisions. If you don't like it then get q job and I am certain that the demands will stop.