Hi,

I have been with my girlfriend of 3 years and while things have had their ups and downs, we have always loved each other and got along very well. We are about 5 years apart, she is in her mid 20s and I'm in my early 30s. About 6 months ago, we moved into an apt together and things were going pretty well. I loved her, she loved me, we got along with each other's families, we were very much intwined in each other's lives.

We had always talked about moving out of town, going somewhere new and living there. She didn't really like where we lived and wanted to get out of there. I agreed with her, but due to the economy and the few jobs out there, I wanted to stay for a bit, save some money at my current job, and then move when the lease was up for our apt. She agreed and we lived on. I knew she wanted to go somewhere else and I wanted to do that with her.

But about 4 months ago, she told me she was unhappy where we were and wanted to temporarily live in another city to find out more about herself. While I questioned her choice of city, her best friend lived there and so, for her, it seemed like a great choice. Since I knew she had her heart set on it, I agreed. But we both wanted to keep our relationship going. So about 3 weeks ago, she left for that city.

She left most of her stuff in our apt, because it was supposed to be temporary. She had planned to return and we would figure out when I would move or what would happen next. We also agreed that if in a few months time she liked that city, I would move and join her there. While that was a little apprehensive for me, I knew I would do it for her.

Right before she left, she told me not to worry too much because she would be back soon enough. I brought her to the airport and we couldn't really bare to see each other go. Things seemed good and our bond seemed strong.

Its been about 3 weeks now. After she left, things were still good. We skyped, texted and talked everyday and things seem to be great. I booked a trip about 2 weeks after she left to go visit and we were planning to do all these things while I was there. Then the worst happened. One day about a week ago (about 2 weeks since she left), she called me and told me that she got really really drunk with this really drunk friend's friend and slept with him.

She told me she f-ed up really bad and was so distraught over it. She was crying, remorseful, and hated herself for it. I know that when she gets drunk, she really does lose control a little, but I always trusted that she would be careful about that. She also said that guy felt really guilty and upset about doing that and he offered to let me come punch him in the face for free.

Needless to say, I felt heartbroken and betrayed. We talked the next few days after that and we talk about how we felt. She told me that it hurt her that she hurt me by doing this and that she would do whatever it takes to work on rebuilding our trust. She also kept saying that she didn't deserve someone wonderful like me. The conversations were obviously very emotional and tough. I feel bad that we were so emotional when we spoke as we probably weren't thinking clearly.

At first I was very hurt and very betrayed and I felt like I just wanted to break up with her right then and there. But then after the anger and hurt sort of fell away a bit, I felt that I still loved her very very much. I felt like she just made a mistake and I wanted to give her a second chance. Our relationship had been amazing up until now and it seemed like a waste to breakup if we still loved each other.

Anyway, two days after that and after some emotional conversations, she told me that she wanted to take a break and sort herself out. Then the last time I spoke to her (about three days after the initial admission), she said that she still wasn't sure she wanted a serious relationship now. I told her that we will take a small break until she came back to my city, which she had already booked long before any of this happened.

So now that's where I stand now. I've had radio silence for that past 4 days. I did sent her a simple text last night saying that I know we are on radio silence, but I still loved her and thought about her. I didn't get a response, but I expected that. I plan not to communicate anymore until she gets back and we talk face to face.

So that's the story at this point. I don't really know what to expect, but I sort of expect her to come in here and call it all off or want to take a more substantial break. I haven't really slept well, or eaten well in the last few days and to me, it seems pretty dumb. I just realize that I still love her and think she was the best thing that has happen to me. While I felt that she made an awful awful mistake, I can see myself forgiving her if we move forward.

I just don't know what happened. How can something so happy and great all of sudden just collapse? That's the question I just keep thinking about in my mind. We had all these plans for the future together. It also makes it worse that I have to come home to the apartment we lived in. Her stuff is still here and they are constant reminders of her. I find myself the past few days getting emotional when I come home and remember all the good memories we had here. Its like I see the spirits of her puttering around the apt like she used to do.

Anyone have any advice? I love her so much and I can't bear to let her go. But I know if that must happen, I'll have to bear it. It would just completely break my heart.

Thanks

I am sure others will come with more detailed responses.

I will keep mine simple: Kick this girl to the curb!
I feel this whole "situation" was pre-meditated and almost planned. It wasn't an accident. Seems like a pretty big coincidence to me that she wanted to go visit this other city and ended up hooking up with another guy.

Just reading what you wrote, my gut/spider sense tingled.

Also add, that she no longer wants to talk to you and is taking a "break". A break? SHE IS THE ONE who messed up and needs to be working her arse off to fix things with you. As far as I am concerned, this break is a breakup. Follow the advice on the forums here and get rid of this girl.

You maintain that radiosilence,for yourself.

She cheated on you and then,instead of working on regaining your trust and saving your relationship,she dictates a breakup.

I smell a rat,things don't just change overnight,and I suspect her feelings changed over a longer period.

Go NC and treat this as a breakup.

Wow reading all that made me so sad, I'm having relationship problems myself at the moment, and imagining that happen between me and the guy I love really tears me apart so I know how you feel. Things get better in time, I know how tough it is getting through the crap before it does get better though. You're doing the right thing by not messaging her now until you're face to face, and of course, you don't know what's going to happen when she does come, she might call it quits or ask for more of a break like you think.. but she may run in to your arms and not want to let go. If she seems so distraught over what she's done she clearly has strong feelings for you, maybe she's not talking to you because it's her way of dealing with it, trying to forgive herself before you do. But from what you've said I can't imagine why she'd not want to talk to you, you've not done anything wrong.. You sound like a very reasonable and loving guy. I hope all goes well for you (: I really do, just let fate take its course for now because your partners decissions are out of your hands, but whichever path she does decide to take, one with you or without you, keep strong :) no one should ever let someone else bring them down

Not only should you maintain radio silence with her, but since you're on this break, and you're single, you should be doing your own thing, and enjoying your freedom, while she is figuring herself out (?).

I honestly smell a rat here, and so should you, and not put faith in this one at all, to make you happy. Depend on yourself for that.

I can't help but see this as a well conceived plot to get away from you, and do her own thing, whatever it is.

Sorry for your loss, but think its for the best, and will get better, when you make it better, regardless of what she does, or will do.

Thanks for all your advice, I appreciate it. I will update with more when it happens.

I have question about NC. Say you apply it for a while and you've been good about it and your ex-gf/bf contacts you a months/years later. You have gotten on with your life, but you find that you still love this person and are possibly interested in getting back together.

So, how do you know if/when to break NC? I see all these posts about applying NC forever, but when would you know it's a time to break it and actually communicate again? What would you look for in what that person says to make you break NC?

Sorry if this has been answered somewhere, I haven't found it.

Thanks!

I think everyone's opinions will differ about this one. I think the reasons for the breakup also play a factor.

People obviously have the ability to do a lot of growing and changing over the years. I think that in this time, obviously a lot of reflection and learning has been done in regards to the relationship and what went wrong.

If both people are willing to work at the relationship to ensure the same thing doesn't happen again, and if both people still have those feelings then I don't see a problem with it.

No, NC isn't forever, nothing lasts forever.

There is no right time to contact an ex, there is only wrong time.

I guess my question was more about the actual communication. What in the words do people see to believe that their ex wants to work on it?

I know there are some cases here where people have been contacted by exes and decide to try and start again. I just wonder what that contact was like to make that person feel differently about the ex. In that situation, how did they know it was time to break the NC to try again?

Depends on your feelings towards them. If you are dying to be with them again, its best to stay NC because you will probably just get hurt again.
I never have an interest in contacting Ex's it usually brings up old memories and even if your over them, you will probably just get hurt again.

Once you recover, and heal, you can make better decisions. If it comes up that you meet an ex again, if you're healed, you will approach it with caution, and a clear head that you didn't have before. The idea is to think better and not repeat old mistakes.

The key to your question is when you have healed, you will know how to deal with whatever comes up.

Get over it! Drunken behaviour and sex seems to be the norm these days. How in the world could you even consider taking her back.

Get yourself some confidence and tell her to stay out of your life.

As much as it breaks my heart to say this, I agree with the others. When everyone told me "Get yourself some confidence and tell (him) to stay out of your life" I refused and got back with him. Let me tell you, it's only wonderful for a week or two.

After a few weeks all you have is the bonus of the doubt. Every time she will "go out with girls" you will wonder if she will sleep with someone when she's drunk. Any girl can tell you, people just don't drink and have sex with random guys. (believe me, there would be no virgins in bars) and I don't even talk about the "free punch" the other guy offered you, how nice...

If you really want to work on your relationship, you must ask her what was wrong in the first place maybe, BEFORE it happened. Then work on your trust issues without damaging your relationship... OR start a whole new one with a girl who won't get drunk and sleep with someone, then ask for a break just to leave you alone in your house with her stuff.

I honestly think you will pushing the breakup date and it will only hurt more.