About 6 months ago my fiancée, told me he fancied a friend of ours - I took it very much to heart, he promised nothing nothing every happened he said he told me because he wanted to be totally honest with me. So I've accepted that and moved on and I also learnt to respect his honesty.

Anyway.. 2 nights ago I had a dream that my fiancée cheated on me with this girl :(
Silly I know but you know how dreams are, and it really got to me... I know its just a dream but I couldn't help how I felt.

So I told him about it... and I asked him if he ever cheated on me and he said NO, then I asked him if he still fancied her and to my ashonishment he said " im not answering that " :eek: :eek: then I said " so ill take that as a yes " and he said " take it how u like " :eek: :eek: I then said " tell me " he said " DROP IT "...

I dropped it.

Later that night in bed, I apologised to him.
He grabbed my hand and held it tight. This mornin he cuddled me, got up for work and left just saying BYE.

Anyway I guess its OK now :confused:
But my question is... What do his answers mean? His answer such as
IM NOT ANSWERING THAT...
AND
TAKE IT AS U LIKE

Help me

He told you to drop it, the only thing I would be dropping is him. There is no proof that your fiancée has cheated on you and its great to have honesty in your relationship but come on he is just getting rid of his guilt. As for apologizing WHY? His answers mean that he still fancies your friend, because if he didn't he would have said so.

When I was truly in love with a man I never looked at anyone else, let alone fancy someone else I just wasn't interested. I'm sorry but this guy doesn't seem to be the one for you.

Drop him?? :(

But I love him!

What do you mean getting rid of his guilt?

I apologised because I thought, yes he must still fancy her for the answer he gave me. But he said I'm not answering that because he doesn't want to lie to me, because he knew how upset I got when he first told me, so I guess he doesn't want to upset me again!

I'm sorry maybe I was a bit harsh with my answer but I would be questioning my relationship if I was fancying other men.

How long have you been with this guy? Who is this friend? How often do you both see her? Does she know that your fiancée fancies her? Why did your fiancée tell you in the first place that he fancied this friend, didn't he know that would hurt you. How come six months later he still fancies this friend?

Been with my fiancées 5 almost 6 years.
This friend was a friend I made through a mutual friend of ours. Don't see her anymore after the first time he told me he fancied her. He told me he fancied her because I asked him because I suspected it... from looks and actions.. he first said no but a week after he admitted so because he wanted to be honest wiv me
No she don't know any of this.

Well don't know why or if he still fancies her after 6 months!!

You seem very angry, why do you think this woman is causing such a problem when both of you do not see her anymore, is there some other underlying problems?

More upset than angry!
No other problems.

I just took it very much to heart to learn that he fancies someone else including me.
He should just fancy me.

If he said he finds her attractive, is different to saying he fancies her, right?

I guess there is no straight forward answer to this one... He told you with all honesty that he fancied someone and never did anything with her 6 months ago... and now he is not ready to share with you whether he still feel the same 6 months later..

There can be a number of reasons he doesn't tell you whether he still feels something for her... in any case I would advise you not to push with asking him whether he fancies her or not. It will only push him to lock himself up in a dead silence or if he fancies her.. yet not ready to commit into a new relationship, you may hasten a possible break-up process.

My guess is if he may still fancy her... however he is not yet at this stage where he is fully convinced that she is worth endangering his relationship with you by placing an end to it. And as you put it so rightly, he most probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings..

Did he have any behavior change after having told you he fancied her? Has he been distant? Etc that could shed some light on your questions..

Couples break up every day. Having spent 5 to 6 years with someone is not a small thing and usually both partners attach value to all this time spent together as an achievement. However at times, long relationships with no "next step" at the horizon can put some strain and push one of the partners to look around at some point...

You can definitely have feelings for someone else while in a relationship, the thing is not to drift into fancing that person and forgetting the good you have... and in that particular case cease contact at the earlierst with that person.

I would suggest to get a bit space for a while. You always want what you do not have.. this cannot be over stated.

Of course he should just fancy you, no wonder your upset, how would he feel if you fancied someone else!

There is a difference between finding someone attractive and fancying them, it just meant that he thought she was pretty and you have to admit there is a lot of good looking men in the world also! We have no problem with that its when feelings become involved there is a problem, like fancying someone.

I have to agree a lot with what ballybee said like the "next step", maybe you both should be thinking about that.

When all is said and done flower who is he with? YOU! All the best.

Such as what would be a next step?

6 months ago I had asked him if he had feelings for her and he said NO - fancying someone doesn't mean I have feelings for them, I doesn't either mean I want to jump into bed with her, I just fancy her!! He confused me big time.

I definitley ceased all contact with her, haven't seen her since I found out!

<<So I told him about it... and I asked him if he ever cheated on me and he said NO, then I asked him if he still fancied her and to my ashonishment he said " im not answering that " then I said " so ill take that as a yes " and he said " take it how u like " I then said " tell me " he said " DROP IT "...
>>

I suspect he's completely p****** off that you are still bringing up something that happened 6 months ago and probably thinks you do not trust him .

<<6 months ago I had asked him if he had feelings and he said NO - fancying someone doesn't mean I have feelings for them, I doesn't either mean I want to jump into bed with her, I just fancy her!! He confused me big time>>

Well strange he would use the word fancing, maybe he just meant that she's attractive.

What age is the guy? When did ye get engaged?

I would suggest to get a bit space for a while. You always want what you do not have.. this cannot be over stated.

How do u suggest I do so?
I live with my fiancée!

I agree he should not have made that remark about fancying her BUT I would suggest not to think too much of it, its been 6 months since the comment?! forget about it.. How has he been during the last 6 months?

When you see him tonight don't be all b****y about it, instead be humourous. He will not like it if you start being all insecure and jealous.

Rol he was fine - nothing suspicious, nothing for me to worry about.
Even I forgot about it until my dream a few days ago :( brought back my insecurties about it.

Actually no I never forgot about it, I just put it the back of my head

Deep down he must still fancy her or think she is attractive or whatever! Coz wouldn't he just said NO when I asked him again! Don't know what the hell he sees in her anyway.
Wouldn't you all think that?

Well forget all about it then and just act normal with him.

<<Deep down he must still fancy her or think she is attractive or whatever! Coz wouldn't he just said NO when I asked him again! Don't know what the hell he sees in her anyway.
Wouldn't you all think that?>>

No he wouldn't say no, because he's peeved off you are bringing it up again.
Anyhow so what if she is attractive, I bet you are also. Next time you can point out the attractive girls to him, that's the best way to get him to tell you how you are the best ;-) and show that you are not insecure!

Well I actually said it wrong, when I asked him if he fancied her he said ' I'm not answering that' and I said 'well ill take that as a yes' and he said 'take it how you like'

That proves he still DOES :(

Because otherwise he would have plain and simply said NO I don't fancy her no more, no?

I know you don't see this friend but does he?

No, not as far as I know... NO NO he doesn't.

<<I know you don't see this friend but does he?>>

Oh stop making her even more insecure!!

If there is no evidence of him ever cheating on you why are you so insecure in the relationship? Are you happy with your life in general?

<<Deep down he must still fancy her or think she is attractive or whatever! Coz wouldnt he just said NO when i asked him again! Dont know what the hell he sees in her anyways.
Wouldnt you all think that?>>

No he wouldnt say no, because hes peeved off u are bringing it up again.
Anyhow so what if she is attractive, i bet you are also. Next time you can point out the attractive girls to him, thats the best way to get him to tell you how you are the best ;-) and show that you are not insecure!!

It is no wonder he refuses to say No.. He is frustrated with the fact that you keep bringing this up.

You are actually creating the exact opposite of what you want to do!

You are pushing him away!

If you keep on pushing these insecurities you have onto him then you will push him away and into the arms of another girl...

And these are insecurities.. Being slightly jealous is quite a healthy feeling in a way but once it goes a little further, it becomes ugly by it's very nature.

And I don't mean to be harsh with what I am saying but if I were in his shoes, I would have said exactly the same thing (at that point) "I'm not answering that"..

Totally agree with Geoff!!

And good question from Moyra also, why are you insecure??

Become a confident, happy , secure person, men like that!!

How?
How do I do that?

<<How?
How do I do that? >>

How to become happy and secure?. well I guess you must be doing something OK as he asked you to marry him! But that is the most important thing that a guy needs, not someone who is afraid that he is going to cheat on her or leave her or find someone else.He does not want a needy and secure woman!!

Some tips... as I said he has to keep winning you! Don't be the needy insecure woman waiting for him every night, Be a bit of a mystery...

Some examples :

Don't drop all of your girl talk on him... ie: don't come home from work and talk about the girl gossip stuff that goes on during your day. But take it even one step further, and be a little mysterious about your day. Don't just lay it all out there for him. I'm not saying to play games with him... I'm saying that a little mystery about your life is always necessary, even when you are married. Example: one day I am wearing a new shirt, which I did not show to him after I bought it. He says "nice shirt, when did you get that?" I say "oh I met a friend for lunch last week and we decided to go shopping instead". And the questions begin: what friend? When was this? Where did you shop?The simple fact that he does not know your every move helps in creating mystery. Now he knows he has to ask questions about you in order to find out more about your day and your life... which causes him to pursue you for information. Any type of pursuit, to a guy, equates to some type romantic pursuit, even if only minimally.

Keep your life full.. get new activiteis and be busy ,If he has to compete for your time, he will be pursuing you and winning you.

Don't cook every night. Make sure there are "special" Sunday dinners, or "special" dinner night after he does some other thing for you. If you pamper him all the time every day, it tends to make him lazy and lose the drive to work toward winning you. But if instead, you are GOOD to him every day but only PAMPER him when he has done something to win you, he will try to win you more.

You want him, over time, to never lose the idea that he does in fact need to keep you around by using his seduction skills as a man. He wants to know you are his and that he can trust you, but he also needs to feel as if you can and will drift away if he loses his game.

Thanks rol, very informative.

In fact tonight he is working latish, he will be home at 7.30, so I won't have dinner ready for him, I will actually get a pizza take out instead.

I have dreams that he cheats on me... what does that really mean?
I also dream of me cheating.

Last night when I told him about my dream ,I had also told him previously that I dream that he cheats on me.. so last night he said that the dream might be reversed and it means I want to cheat on him :confused:

Please flower stop this obsessing it will drive him away!!
I've read your posts from April , all needy and obssessy, start working on this problem right now!!

"1. I was the phone to my boyfriend. I called on his work mobile, 2 secs into the conversation his personal mob rings, he tells me to hold on, when he answered he cut me off.
2. I rang back and when I asked who called him he said... mmmm mmmmm, mc donalds called (coz he fixes their machines).. I was like yeah right. He said well if your going to be stroppy I don't want to talk to you and cut me off again!!

Should I call back?


He called me now.
He said sorry for hanging up on me, he said he is very stressed at d mo with work and didn't need me being on his case!

'Shall I believe him?
Sorry OK, I understand now. I don't know why I thought he spoke to other women.. again showing my insecurity, but then again why did he hesitate when I asked who he spoke to? And if mc donalds did call him, why on his personal mob and not work mob! Though his personal mob was used before for work before he got a new work mob with a different number!
I don't know '

<<Infact tonight he is working latish, he will be home at 7.30, so I won't have dinner ready for him, I will actually get a pizza take out instead.
>>

I bet you are exhausted about thinking about him, for example if he gets back at 8.30 are you going to think he has been cheating on you??
Stop all that now!! And stop cooking him dinners!! WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME? You need a life also, he should not be all of it!

Have you some issues from the past that could be causing all this insecutity?

Parents? Previous relationship ?

Last night when i told him about my dream ,i had also told him previously that i dream that he cheats on me.. so last night he said that the dream might be reversed and it means I wanna cheat on him :confused:


Actually, this is a very good point he made. Quite often, those people who accuse their partners of cheating have actually done or thought of doing this themselves in the past whether it be with their current partner or a past one.

I am not saying that this is you and that you have done this, I am just highlighting the fact that he brings up a very good point.

Why are you so insecure? Why do you obsess on him cheating so much?

Ask yourself these questions?

I'm not joking... SERIOUS.. You are going to drive this guy away! I can see this already from the way he is reacting to your comments..

<<Infact tonight he is working latish, he will be home at 7.30, so i wont have dinner ready for him, i will actually get a pizza take out instead.
>>

i bet you are exhausted about thinking about him, for example if he gets back at 8.30 are you going to think he has been cheating on you????????
Stop all that now!!!!! and stop cooking him dinners !!! WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME?? you need a life also, he should not be all of it !!


NOOOOOOOOOO
Last night he came back home at 10pm, he worked late again, fixing maxhines.

He called me at 9pm and joking asked - have u left me yet? In a sweet voice.

I was quite happy chilling at home alone.

I don't obsess too much

OK good, you are not as bad as your threads sound then ;-)

But answer the other question "WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME?? "

And what did you reply when he asked "have u left me yet? in a sweet voice"

This thread is starting to get out of hand.. I have read all these post that came up in the last three hours or so..

Flower 81.. lady, get over this incident and try to keep busy with other stuff so that you stop thinking about it..

However this does not mean that you stop being cautious if you have some doubt.. stop asking questions, get busy with your on stuff (that's also a way of getting some space)
And take sometime to observe..

Stop talking about cheating and calling the devil.. coz when you talk about him.. he comes over.. You may materialise your own fear by too much talking about them

Hopefully, there is nothing to be alarmed about... make some dinner tonight and play videogames or something.. it's always better when u find proper food at home esp. if u come late :)

and what did u reply when he asked "have u left me yet? in a sweet voice"

No, not yet anyway love
Is that bad??

ok good, you are not as bad as ur threads sound then ;-)"
How nice, thanks for the reassurance!


but answer the other question "WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS APART FROM WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME?? "



I study or I watch TV or I chat to mates on MSN or I get stoned and have a bubbly bath ;)

Lool, no wonder you get to worry a lot... go out, do some sport, get friends to study with you at home... anyway I see you smiling.. I hope you keep this mood up for the evening :)

I study or i watch TV or i chat to mates on MSN or i get stoned and have a bubbly bath ;)

Are you sure getting Stoned is a good idea?

That causes paranoia in itself...

Ever thought about doing something healthy and positive, like going to the gym or something?

+ it might build up self-esteem..

A few year ago, I was feeling a bit low in self conficence, and IO set myself a goal.. I was going to get fit and run the London Marathon for charity.. I spent a whole year training and keeping fit and then did it.. I felt great, never better... Then I met my ex when I was at my very best...

I attracted her because I was a healthy and improved person. Confident! People can see a happy content person a mile away!

It is an up and down thing I believe though but now you may just need a change of lifestyle...

You get stoned, well now we see where the problem lies, does that not make you paranoid?

More upset than angry!
No other problemsIt is important to see things as they are, Flower, and there are other problems which relate to and feed into this one. You appear to not understand people very well, including yourself. You will eventually as you grow up more. And you are borrowing trouble on top of it as a result of that lack of understanding. My hope is when the trouble arrives, you'll be able to see your part--how you called it to you and learn not to do that again. And I see here how you repeatedly decline invitations to live in reality and stick to facts for a basis of your feelings. If you insist on giving dreams so much power as to create an unhealthy obssesion, then you are stuck suffering the consequences of that and nobody will be able to help that except you. I wish there was a softer, easier way but there isn't, dear Flower.


I just took it very much to heart to learn that he fancies someone else including me. He should just fancy me. If he said he finds her attractive, is different to saying he fancies her, right?
All people, including us girls, find people other than our partners attractive or fancy them, sweetie. That you are trying to dictate to him something that is a biological given about all people demonstrated how naïve you are. People who are this suspicious and controlling usually end up bitter and alone. Do you want that? That you can't seem to tell the difference between attraction and love is really surprising and any relationship you're in will suffer as a result of that. Until you know that difference, trusting your partner, any partner will not be possible. I don't mean to sound mean here Flower but you are showing substantial signs that you are simply not mature enough to handle a relationship. I can appreciate how difficult it all must feel to you. This immaturity will either cause an end to this current relationship and thereby give you time to do some growing up or you will find a way to grow up while hopefully your boyfriend tolerates the childishness of some of your actions without building up a resentment. I can see from here he is already a bit fed up about that girl and your paranoia, as I believe most guys would be.

Think about who you want to be and which path works for you. Choose wisely. If you are interested in growing up as a way to solve this, there are numerous threads here that you might benefit reading in the relationship forum -- especially the ones about being needy. Good luck!

Im broke, don't have the finances to join a gym!

About getting stoned its far from an everyday thing

Get a part time job... get busy, the poor dude comes late at night after fixing machines and stuff.. u watching TV, taking bubbly bath and getting stoned (even if it is at time)don't u feel a bit guilty? About the gym, it was an idea.. there are open parks everywhere on the earth.. they don't cost money to get into.. am sure you can be more inventive on what you like to do and come up with some ideas... if it can be constructive to yourself, your relationship and your home (morally and financially), that'd be great.

<<Quote:
Originally Posted by rol

And what did you reply when he asked "have u left me yet? in a sweet voice"


No, not yet anyway love
Is that bad?? >>


Cool , good reply.

Keep up the jokes with him, especially tonight as he is probably afraid of what he is coming home to!! Get the pizza and laugh and do not bring up any dreams or rubbish!!
:)

Maybe if you stopped buying the weed you would have money to go to a gym.

Getting stoned only adds to the paranoia, as someone else pointed out.

Look, if my husband stopped looking at beautiful women I would be planning his funeral. It is the healthy individual that looks at beautiful people. The human body is a work of art.

Okay, he fancied her, you have not seen her in how long? He has not seen her in how long? Did he act on his desires? Who does he come home to, you or her?

You are borrowing trouble and creating a breakup by continuing to dwell on this subject. Marijuana will compound this problem greatly.

Im broke, dont have the finances to join a gym!

About getting stoned its far from an everyday thing

There are other positive things you can do that don't involve money!

Drugs are not positive and they cloud your mind and distort reality!

Even too much alcohol can ruin a person's perception of life.

I appreciate what you say about being broke.. Are you able to get a job, part-time.I know you say you study, and that is good, study hard. It will pay off one day.

Try to think more about what I am saying about doing more positive activities... It's up to you.. If you are young then you will most likely need to get lots of different things out of your system..

All part of growing up, but you have to ask yourself, are you really ready to be in a serious relationship?

Get a part time job.... get busy, the poor dude comes late at night after fixing machines and stuff.. u watching tv, taking bubbly bath and getting stoned (even if it is at time)don't u feel a bit guilty? About the gym, it was an idea.. there are open parks everywhere on the earth.. they don't cost money to get into.. am sure you can be more inventive on what you like to do and come up with some ideas.... if it can be constructive to yourself, your relationship and your home (morally and financially), that'd be great.

Well I work too and when need be I do overtime too.

So no I don't feel so guilty for having a bubbly bath when I come home after a long days work. Besides that I cook dinner and do the house chores!

Maybe if you stopped buying the weed you would have money to go to a gym.

Getting stoned only adds to the paranoia, as someone else pointed out.

Look, if my husband stopped looking at beautiful women I would be planning his funeral. It is the healthy individual that looks at beautiful people. The human body is a work of art.

Okay, he fancied her, you have not seen her in how long? He has not seen her in how long? Did he act on his desires? Who does he come home to, you or her?

You are borrowing trouble and creating a breakup by continuing to dwell on this subject. Marijuana will compound this problem greatly.

I know you are right. I look at goodlookin men too but I don't fany them :cool:

We haven't seen her in ages and I know I shouldn't worry.

I don't buy weed, every once in a while my friend rolls me the occasional joint!

All part of growing up, but you have to ask yourself, are you really ready to be in a serious relationship?

Yes I am happy with him, I love him, Couldn't c my life without him

Okay, you haven't seen her in ages. And so the problem lies where? If he saw her on a daily basis, that might be a little different. But he doesn't.

You can't live in the past. You are lucky you have a man that will be upfront and honest with you. The way you are acting right now is going to turn him off being honest. He will stop telling you the truth because he now knows you are going to overreact.

Are you ready to be in a serious relationship? Because a serious relationship requires trust and honesty. He was honest with is feelings and trusted that he could tell you the truth. Now you doubt him. Not a good thing.

If you want to be serious with someone you need to work out your trust issues first. I am beginning to think you have been cheated on in the past?

Yes i am happy with him, i love him,. couldnt c my life without him

O.K. Good.

So if you are happy with him and love him, then quit this worry you have about him fancying someone else..

Otherwise you will be seeing your life without him.

Are you ready to be in a serious relationship? Because a serious relationship requires trust and honesty. He was honest with is feelings and trusted that he could tell you the truth. Now you doubt him. Not a good thing.

Totally agree with this J_9 about trust and honesty..

Good for pointing this out..

Okay, you haven't seen her in ages. And so the problem lies where? If he saw her on a daily basis, that might be a little different. But he doesn't.

You can't live in the past. You are lucky you have a man that will be upfront and honest with you. The way you are acting right now is going to turn him off of being honest. He will stop telling you the truth because he now knows you are going to overreact.

Are you ready to be in a serious relationship? Because a serious relationship requires trust and honesty. He was honest with is feelings and trusted that he could tell you the truth. Now you doubt him. Not a good thing.

If you want to be serious with someone you need to work out your trust issues first. I am beginning to think you have been cheated on in the past?

I will forget about it, I have to, its as simple as that right?
Tonight I will not mention it at all, and do my utmost to be strong confident and talk about everything BUT this. How can I regain his trust to be honest with me?
I want an honest relationship I do, I hate lies.

No I have never been cheated on. But he was the only guy who should interest in me. My past boyfriends only wanted sex, which I never gave it to them, I was a virgin when I meet him.

If you truly love him there would be trust to go along with that; there should have been no reason to keep bringing it up and his reaction shows that he felt very mistrusted. He told you no, and in my opinion it should have stayed that way. He even admittited to you that he 'faniced' her, better to find out from him than anyone else. He told you because he feels like he can tell you anything, now he may be a bit apprehensive about revealing more to you in the future.

What does this girl have that you don't? You have something she doesn't, and that's him. If you have any insecurities they should be yours, and nothing that he should have to deal with when things arouse them.

Great, excellent...

Remember, I can only formulate an opinion based on the infos you provide... shape up, get busy, do some fun outdoors stuff with your fiancé and stay out of drugs or alcohol whatever it is.

As a point of advice.. go through the different posts in this forum.. and read the pain others are pouring in for having lost someone.. I guess that will remind you how lucky you are and hopefully act for the best

Shall I tell him I trust him tonight?
Or its not wise.

Shall i tell him i trust him tonight?
or its not wise.

No, you are just bringing up the issue again by saying this.

Let it go now, and just get busy being his fiancé..

Clean the house, make him dinner, most likely: He wants to feel important, trusted, needed and most of all, loved. Don't bring it up, all has been said and done. He's still with you, you still love him and vice versa.

You don't have to tell him you trust him, you have to SHOW this by not being jealous, not asking him what he was doing or not asking who was on the phone...

Shall i tell him i trust him tonight?
or its not wise.

NO, NO, and NO. You will just not let it go.

Forget it was ever said. That was 6 months ago for crying out loud!!

Just drop it, pretend it was never said and go on with your life. If you do that you will be going on with your life without him, and I would not blame him.

You can't change the past, only the future. Start now.

You r right J_9
I apologised last night to him in bed for asking him again, so I guess that should do it right?

Flower, have you read the answers? If you have, why are you asking again? You are truly beating a dead horse now, and he ain't going to get any deader.

Drop it now, don't ever bring it up again.

Just an update.. all went fine last night. He came home with a smile and I was smiling too. He kissed me :)
We laid on the sofa cuddling each other watching comedy.
Obviously - nothing was said about the previous night.

Just an update.. all went fine last night. He came home with a smile and i was smiling too. He kissed me :)
We layed on the sofa cuddling eachother watching comedy.
Obviously - nothing was said about the previous night.

Good.. Way to go Flower..

You took the advice, and now its going to pay off...

That's the result I believe you were looking for..

Flower, good job!! Oh, I bet you feel good today!!

This was what we call in nursing a "desired outcome."

Keep up the good work.

I'm glad your happy flower and it all worked out! Brilliant!

Keep it up

I am glad to see it worked out so simply. Very good for you! Now the trick is to keep paying attention to reality, feel a sense of security from it and reflect that in your ongoing relationship. And if you ever lose track again, ask yourself, "How's My Now?" and if its okay, act accordingly! LOL