bedlam4
Mar 12, 2010, 03:42 AM
Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 5years. Last October he told me he didn't love me and I found out he was meeting a girl for coffee but he stopped seeing her after I found out and it was apparently only a couple of times. Apparently I couldn't say much because he told me 3 years before when we worked together there was a rumour I stayed at guys house(which I didnt), so all these years he didn't trust me and I didn't even no.
We still lived together and in the November we never said anything about our relationship but we started sharing a bed and we had we went (not on our own) a couple of times.
The girl he meet he said he knew previously, but we always worked together, except 1were they were all chinese so it was driving me crazy thinking I knew her so I went on about a few times but when I do this a lot of the time he shutdowns and gets really mad so this was ruining any chances we had.
When we weren't together I started checking in Facebook and there were conversations with a girl from his work with kisses on and her saying she'll tell him her secret (didn't get the whole conversation as a lot were deleted). Now 1 of the big problems with this was the messages were sent Oct/Nov. I worked at the same place with them both for 2years up until August of that year and we only really said hi and sometimes a small conversation with this girl and now it seemed like they were best m8s. How did it go from that to having lunch nearly everyday in work and having these conversations outside of work. This started to make me think it might be her he was seeing at the coffee shop. I confronted him and he said it wasn't. One night in the Novemeber I checked his fb again and he sent her a stupid hug thing that said true love and it really upset me. I knew he hadn't done any thing with her but I was upset he might start to have feelings for her. He said he doesn't have feelings for and he doesn't no why he sent it.
In the new year we decided to try again, but he said he didn't want anything from the past being brought up and not to go on his fb as it gets him really mad and he refused to delete her from his fb as he said he wouldn't be dictated to and that I'm controlling. A few weeks later she sent him a message along the lines of "id let u be my pimp, wud u pimp me out or keep me for urself" I tried to rationalize it as it may be a joke as he told me that day someone had made a joke about pimps, but she had written in the subject line "hey baby" which seemed nothing 2do with the message. I didn't tell him I knew and I written on my fb I hate slags (she's not on my fb btw). The next day he woke up, give me a cuddle checked his fb and turned away from me. I checked his fb and she had sent him about 4 messages slagging me off. He sent her one back saying we both need to stop, she sent 1 back saying no she don't I need to stop. I went mad at him. Saying how can he let someone send him not 1 but 4 messages slaggin me off. He said I started by calling her a slag. I asked him how on earth would she know it was aimed at her? Then he told me he told her I thought sommot was going on between them. I said how dare he tell her our conversations. He said well I mentioned her so she had a right to know. I told him he better not tell no one again what I say in the privacy of my own home. I told him to send her a messages saying don't message me again and she said right then, then deleted him. He finshed it again saying I can't forget about and went 2his dads for the a couple of nights.
When he come home I was really surprised as I thought we were definitely over, but at the night after us getting on he said he wants to try again but I need to promise not to bring it up. I did. We've been getting on good, going out together, we've still bickered a bit but not really any arguments. He even started showing me affection which is a big deal as when we 1st got back together in the new yr he said as he didn't love me it felt horrible to kiss me and weird when we hugged. He even said he'l always love and care for me, which made me think he always loved me it was hard to feel it when we were always argung. He was on his fb 1 day and I seen he'd commented on her status so I question when and why they were friends agen on there. I said you see each other nearly everyday because of work so you don't need to talk outside of work, so he deleted her which was a big deal because new yr he said he wouldn't. I'm not even bothered now about the girl he met with a few times for coffee, and I come to realize it wasn't this girl from his work so I even started to forget about her, even though I knew they still had lunch together sometimes in work.
But last weekend he took me to the supermarket and waited out in the car and as I walked in I saw her come out. I carried on walking and they didn't have what I wanted and plus I wanted to see if they were talking, so I come out and she was pulled up next 2 his car. She waited till I actually got to the car before pulling of, so I called her a slag. She heard me so reversed and said what. I said your a slag, why are u sending my boyfriend messages calling him baby? She said it was a joke, I said well do you not think its inappropriate when he;s got a girlfriend, how would you like it if sum1 sent your boyfriend them messages, she didn't say anything and drove off. I went mad at boyfriend saying why was he talking to her, and he must have been talking to her longer than just hi. I told him she must have been stirring as in the past when we used to see her outside of work when I worked there they just hi 2 each other, and he even admitted she'd never talked to him that long before if they saw each, plus she waited till I walked to the car before driving of. He was in a mood with me that night as he said she pulled up to him and it wasn't his fault, which is true, but I just can't understand why his friendship with her is worth this hassle. Anyway the next day and the rest of the weekend was good.
Then on Monday after work I asked if he's seen her and what she said, and she asked him what was all that about, why's she saying all that blah blah. And she said she told her boyfriend when she home I had a go at her, and apparently he's not happy about what I said, and not only that he's starting to be suspicous of them both now, and he asked her what car my boyfriend drives, and she lied and told them she didn't know, and apparently her boyfriend was driving around where we live looking 4 my bf's car even thought he doesn't no what car it is. A lot of people know wotarea we live in as we bought a new build house lst yr, so she must of told her boyfriend where we live. I was saying to my boyfriend is her friendship really worth all this hassle especially now her bfs involved. He said but nothings going on between them, (I know there isn't but I consider her messages to be flirty whereas he doesnt). I was mad as I don't want sum1 looking 4his car or our house, said its all her fault. He said it wasn't, anyone would tell there partner if sum1 had a go at them, which I suppose is true but she's obviously told him where we live. And when ever I mention about him speaking to sum1 that's slagged me of 2him he just says well I started it. It feels like when ever I say she's done wrong he justifies her actions. Lst night I said she must of told her boyfriend where we lived, and he's like, why maybe she mentoned it to him in the past because we live near a stadium. I'm like why would she mention, sum who's a stranger to her boyfriend, buying a house and where. He's always got a reason for her. So I was just really mad that how far we've come and all this now he still will speak to her. I even asked him what if her boyfriend did do something and I said you can't have her friend and our relationship and he said he wouldn't chose any. I said about him not defending me and he said he always in a big way in the past (which is true) but I said I can't understand why she's the exception. I know nothings happened between them but does he not realise its gone past that now, and she's not inportant in his life.
Now it feels like its ruined everything and we're back to square 1. He won't go near me, he was saying Monday night that our relationship doesn't seem worth it, he's really cold and distant towards me and saying nasty things. After an argument when I've calmed down I just want a cuddle of him, which winds him up as he can be mad for days and doesn't want me all over him. Yesterday was OK but this morning we had another argument, him saying I don't care how he feels when I get mad at him, and he just doesn't care anymore and he's just shutdown and how I can't let it go. He never sees it from my point of view. He's saying I can't help it and I'm still bringing up the past but Ive not mentioned her for weeks and I started to forget the past and be happy, and he even said he noticed a change, I've only mentioned it this week because I saw them talking, which is bound to get me mad, and then he tells me her boyfriend is driving around where we live looking 4 his car, course that will make me mad. He says I will always have this problem not matter what even if he didn't speak 2her. What he doesn't realise it that girl he met at the coffee shop they used to text all day everyday and he even told me he may have had feelings for her (but not love feelings) and I'm over that. Its just hard getting of this because they see each other 5 days out of 7 and spend at least an hour a day for lunch together.
It feels like we're back to October time. Its took us nearly 5months to get things back on track and now its all ruined again. I don't know what to do. I know I get hot headed sometimes, and a lot of it isn't his fault, like she sent him most messages, she drove up to him. But why can't he see wots she's doing. He's says I'm the 1 with the problem but that's for a reason, I've not made all this up in my head.
What can I do? I know I'll have to except them still be friend as long as they don't talk outside of wrk, I have done the past few weeks, so I know in time I'l be able to let it all go again, but I don't know if he'll giv me that chance. I know its been hard for him to try and I realize it's going to be even harder now and I know there's a chance he's just going to saying he can't be bothered no more. I really don't want to lose him, and I no I'm not always fair to him or put him first, and he's always looked after me while we've been together, but he never looks at things from my point of view. He just says get over it.
Basically I just want to know I'm I being rational. Or is this all because of my insercurities? What would you have done if it happened to you.
We still lived together and in the November we never said anything about our relationship but we started sharing a bed and we had we went (not on our own) a couple of times.
The girl he meet he said he knew previously, but we always worked together, except 1were they were all chinese so it was driving me crazy thinking I knew her so I went on about a few times but when I do this a lot of the time he shutdowns and gets really mad so this was ruining any chances we had.
When we weren't together I started checking in Facebook and there were conversations with a girl from his work with kisses on and her saying she'll tell him her secret (didn't get the whole conversation as a lot were deleted). Now 1 of the big problems with this was the messages were sent Oct/Nov. I worked at the same place with them both for 2years up until August of that year and we only really said hi and sometimes a small conversation with this girl and now it seemed like they were best m8s. How did it go from that to having lunch nearly everyday in work and having these conversations outside of work. This started to make me think it might be her he was seeing at the coffee shop. I confronted him and he said it wasn't. One night in the Novemeber I checked his fb again and he sent her a stupid hug thing that said true love and it really upset me. I knew he hadn't done any thing with her but I was upset he might start to have feelings for her. He said he doesn't have feelings for and he doesn't no why he sent it.
In the new year we decided to try again, but he said he didn't want anything from the past being brought up and not to go on his fb as it gets him really mad and he refused to delete her from his fb as he said he wouldn't be dictated to and that I'm controlling. A few weeks later she sent him a message along the lines of "id let u be my pimp, wud u pimp me out or keep me for urself" I tried to rationalize it as it may be a joke as he told me that day someone had made a joke about pimps, but she had written in the subject line "hey baby" which seemed nothing 2do with the message. I didn't tell him I knew and I written on my fb I hate slags (she's not on my fb btw). The next day he woke up, give me a cuddle checked his fb and turned away from me. I checked his fb and she had sent him about 4 messages slagging me off. He sent her one back saying we both need to stop, she sent 1 back saying no she don't I need to stop. I went mad at him. Saying how can he let someone send him not 1 but 4 messages slaggin me off. He said I started by calling her a slag. I asked him how on earth would she know it was aimed at her? Then he told me he told her I thought sommot was going on between them. I said how dare he tell her our conversations. He said well I mentioned her so she had a right to know. I told him he better not tell no one again what I say in the privacy of my own home. I told him to send her a messages saying don't message me again and she said right then, then deleted him. He finshed it again saying I can't forget about and went 2his dads for the a couple of nights.
When he come home I was really surprised as I thought we were definitely over, but at the night after us getting on he said he wants to try again but I need to promise not to bring it up. I did. We've been getting on good, going out together, we've still bickered a bit but not really any arguments. He even started showing me affection which is a big deal as when we 1st got back together in the new yr he said as he didn't love me it felt horrible to kiss me and weird when we hugged. He even said he'l always love and care for me, which made me think he always loved me it was hard to feel it when we were always argung. He was on his fb 1 day and I seen he'd commented on her status so I question when and why they were friends agen on there. I said you see each other nearly everyday because of work so you don't need to talk outside of work, so he deleted her which was a big deal because new yr he said he wouldn't. I'm not even bothered now about the girl he met with a few times for coffee, and I come to realize it wasn't this girl from his work so I even started to forget about her, even though I knew they still had lunch together sometimes in work.
But last weekend he took me to the supermarket and waited out in the car and as I walked in I saw her come out. I carried on walking and they didn't have what I wanted and plus I wanted to see if they were talking, so I come out and she was pulled up next 2 his car. She waited till I actually got to the car before pulling of, so I called her a slag. She heard me so reversed and said what. I said your a slag, why are u sending my boyfriend messages calling him baby? She said it was a joke, I said well do you not think its inappropriate when he;s got a girlfriend, how would you like it if sum1 sent your boyfriend them messages, she didn't say anything and drove off. I went mad at boyfriend saying why was he talking to her, and he must have been talking to her longer than just hi. I told him she must have been stirring as in the past when we used to see her outside of work when I worked there they just hi 2 each other, and he even admitted she'd never talked to him that long before if they saw each, plus she waited till I walked to the car before driving of. He was in a mood with me that night as he said she pulled up to him and it wasn't his fault, which is true, but I just can't understand why his friendship with her is worth this hassle. Anyway the next day and the rest of the weekend was good.
Then on Monday after work I asked if he's seen her and what she said, and she asked him what was all that about, why's she saying all that blah blah. And she said she told her boyfriend when she home I had a go at her, and apparently he's not happy about what I said, and not only that he's starting to be suspicous of them both now, and he asked her what car my boyfriend drives, and she lied and told them she didn't know, and apparently her boyfriend was driving around where we live looking 4 my bf's car even thought he doesn't no what car it is. A lot of people know wotarea we live in as we bought a new build house lst yr, so she must of told her boyfriend where we live. I was saying to my boyfriend is her friendship really worth all this hassle especially now her bfs involved. He said but nothings going on between them, (I know there isn't but I consider her messages to be flirty whereas he doesnt). I was mad as I don't want sum1 looking 4his car or our house, said its all her fault. He said it wasn't, anyone would tell there partner if sum1 had a go at them, which I suppose is true but she's obviously told him where we live. And when ever I mention about him speaking to sum1 that's slagged me of 2him he just says well I started it. It feels like when ever I say she's done wrong he justifies her actions. Lst night I said she must of told her boyfriend where we lived, and he's like, why maybe she mentoned it to him in the past because we live near a stadium. I'm like why would she mention, sum who's a stranger to her boyfriend, buying a house and where. He's always got a reason for her. So I was just really mad that how far we've come and all this now he still will speak to her. I even asked him what if her boyfriend did do something and I said you can't have her friend and our relationship and he said he wouldn't chose any. I said about him not defending me and he said he always in a big way in the past (which is true) but I said I can't understand why she's the exception. I know nothings happened between them but does he not realise its gone past that now, and she's not inportant in his life.
Now it feels like its ruined everything and we're back to square 1. He won't go near me, he was saying Monday night that our relationship doesn't seem worth it, he's really cold and distant towards me and saying nasty things. After an argument when I've calmed down I just want a cuddle of him, which winds him up as he can be mad for days and doesn't want me all over him. Yesterday was OK but this morning we had another argument, him saying I don't care how he feels when I get mad at him, and he just doesn't care anymore and he's just shutdown and how I can't let it go. He never sees it from my point of view. He's saying I can't help it and I'm still bringing up the past but Ive not mentioned her for weeks and I started to forget the past and be happy, and he even said he noticed a change, I've only mentioned it this week because I saw them talking, which is bound to get me mad, and then he tells me her boyfriend is driving around where we live looking 4 his car, course that will make me mad. He says I will always have this problem not matter what even if he didn't speak 2her. What he doesn't realise it that girl he met at the coffee shop they used to text all day everyday and he even told me he may have had feelings for her (but not love feelings) and I'm over that. Its just hard getting of this because they see each other 5 days out of 7 and spend at least an hour a day for lunch together.
It feels like we're back to October time. Its took us nearly 5months to get things back on track and now its all ruined again. I don't know what to do. I know I get hot headed sometimes, and a lot of it isn't his fault, like she sent him most messages, she drove up to him. But why can't he see wots she's doing. He's says I'm the 1 with the problem but that's for a reason, I've not made all this up in my head.
What can I do? I know I'll have to except them still be friend as long as they don't talk outside of wrk, I have done the past few weeks, so I know in time I'l be able to let it all go again, but I don't know if he'll giv me that chance. I know its been hard for him to try and I realize it's going to be even harder now and I know there's a chance he's just going to saying he can't be bothered no more. I really don't want to lose him, and I no I'm not always fair to him or put him first, and he's always looked after me while we've been together, but he never looks at things from my point of view. He just says get over it.
Basically I just want to know I'm I being rational. Or is this all because of my insercurities? What would you have done if it happened to you.