Hello

Three months ago my dad passed away really suddenly. One month ago, my husband left and said he didn't love me anymore. I believed him. I got all the money in order, went to a lawyer and applied for a new mortgage and bought my husband out. I sorted through the whole house, pictures, everything and split everything up. I took three days off work to do all of the previous things then went back to work teaching junior high/senior high special education a one hour commute from home. I am now left with two dogs and a real numb feeling. Now all that sort of stuff is done - I am sitting here and the major thing I am feeling is confusion and nausea. I make it through work and then come home and feel tired, dizzy. I am making mistakes like vacuum over wet stuff and ruining my expensive vacuum cleaner. I have lots of support from family and friends but I am 8 hours away from all of them (I moved here for my husband's job) People are telling how lucky I am that I don't have kids, that he didn't cheat on me, that I have a good job and could asfford all of this upheaval. And I agree with them that it is lucky. However, how I am I supposed to feel? Is this what it is supposed to feel like? :confused:

I think your feelings seem natural, actually A LOT like mine when I lost my marriage and my grandfather (who was like my Dad) in the same month. I felt numb, and questioned my feelings exactly the way you are.

You've been through some devastating losses. And probably pushed a bunch of emotional reaction to the back burner in order to function. And function you did, and beautifully it sounds. I bet you are good in emergencies too. But now its catching up to you. This is exactly how it should feel. Some shock may even be settling in, hence the mindlessness with the vacuum cleaner. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself its only a crummy vacuum cleaner, never mind how much it cost. I think I recognise what you did by having done it myself. Slow down, allow yourself to feel the pain. Be kind to yourself in the basics, eat right, sleep more, and let the lesser important things go for a little while. Take time for reflections, take walks in a park, read books on the grief process and let the tears come when they come too. The numb will wear off, the fragile part will be a little scary, and its two steps forward and one back with anger, hurt, fear through a lot of the journey. Most people take at least a year before there is some semblence of normalcy so in that meantime, be careful with yourself-- don't make any big decisions for a bit. I have lost both my parents now, and it's a strange feeling to be so alone. It isn't something you get over as much as you get used to, at least that is how its been for me. My condolences for your losses.

Oh, my dear! Of course you're numb! Who wouldn't be after a double whammy like that. I'm sure your friends mean well pointing out the ways you're "lucky", but you can certainly be forgiven for not feeling lucky. You've just suffered two major bereavements, either one of which would knock anybody for a loop, and require many months or years to come to terms with. Notice I didn't say "get over". I don't think we can really get over things like this. What we can eventually do is learn to live with them, but it takes much time and healing and tenderness with yourself. You're in the early stages of this process, so pace yourself, and don't expect everything to get back to "normal" right away. The old normal is gone forever, and the new one isn't visible through the fog yet. I remember waking up in the morning and having the opposite sensation to what you feel when waking up from a bad dream--leaving a safe and peaceful sleep and waking up into the continuing nightmare of grief.

I hope you'll feel free to come back here anytime for encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, or just some human contact. There are good and caring people here who have experienced something similar to what you're going through and are more than willing to listen and help however they can. Keep in touch.

Wow - thanks for the replies. You know, I haven't really said all of that to anyone this past month. Its kind of liberating to say "I not okay right now" but I will be... :o

Its okay to be not okay :p

You're obviously a very strong and capable person. This is good, and these qualities will serve you well as you go through this. However, it's also OK to be temporarily weak and vulnerable and overwhelmed in the face of devastating losses. You can't be strong and in control all the time, so be willing to accept the feelings of weakness and powerlessness that will punctuate the next several months, and when a good cry happens, make the most of it.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself. Don't berate yourself for mistakes that you made or opportunities that you missed. Val's point about eating right and sleeping more is right on. Keep the basics of your life and work routine in order, and don't do anything desperate or dramatic. The only way out is through it, and unpleasant though it is, this experience is adding something tremendously valuable to your character and personality. So as much as you can, embrace it and accept it in all its awfulness, knowing that it is bringing you to a new level of strength and maturity that you wouldn't have reached without it.

P.S. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?

I am 34 years old.

I haven't experienced a divorce. I have had startling losses that sent me reeling. As in two years of frustration, confusion, misdirection.

I can only support what has been said. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. Its fine to be off balance. If it wasn't supposed to mean anything it wouldn't hurt so damn much.

So yeah... you need to give yourself some slack and some time.

Don't be afraid to be demanding of yourself, and at the same time give yourself some slack.

You didn't want this. You weren't expecting this. You deserve some time to process it.

I am 34 years old.

The dearest friend of my life died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 35. I was completely dysfunctional for most of a year, and it was more than two years before my life was anything like normal. But looking back on it 25 years later I see that the experience was like a forest fire that consumed a lot of deadfall and trash that had accumulated in my psyche and prepared me for marriage and parenthood. So I encourage you to see this as preparation for a future that never could have been without it. That won't make it easy, I know, but it can keep you from the despair of feeling like the pain has no redeeming value.

Lan, believe it or not, what (who) helped me cope a lot through my situation was my DOG (Ginger). I'm glad you've got your dogs, even though they can't replace human companionship. They're LOYAL and forgiving, which is a lot of traits I seldom tend to see anymore in people.

I am so admirable of you for handling it the way you did, taking action when needed. You were probably in the "fight or flight" mode when this all happened, and now it's hit you like a ton of rocks, and of course, you don't know how to feel now that the adrenaline rush is over and your "job is done". Like everyone said, it's OK to not feel OK, and you're a hero in my book.

That really makes a lot of sense, ordinaryguy. I guess, I have been, in some ways, fighting what I naturally want to do because I feel like I can't fall apart. Excuses like, 'i have to work" "I have to keep strong so people won't worry" But to be honest, I think my body is starting to do it for me. My muscles are sore (although I have had to shovel a lot of snow lately) I am sick to my stomach a lot and yes, the dizziness. I guess, my next question is... what happens if I fall apart? Aside from work, I don't have anyone living close to me.What if I have to actually ask for help from people who have offered it?

You are so right about the dogs. They keep me sane!!

Lan, I have been reading this thread carefully and you have some absolutely beautiful advice. I am terribly sorry for the intense pain you must be feeling right now and wish there was something more I could do than just give advice.


What if I have to actually ask for help from people who have offered it?

I will say this:

The people offered the help most likely because they care. If they offered help, please do not feel hesitant to ask for the help. You may just find a true friend that can help make these times easier for you.

I wish I could offer more.

My experience is when you ask for help, you usually get it, not always in the shape and size and color you might have imagined but I have rarely been left holding the bag. It is necessary I think to periodically fall apart. Its like seasons maybe? As I told work recently when I shocked them quitting, its my meltdown, so don't mess with me! It's a bit like that saying about when I come to the edge of all that I know, I will either be provided solid ground to stand on or be taught how to fly? Some passages in life have very zen-like characteristics, it seems to me. You're in one of the biggies now.

I guess, my next question is... what happens if I fall apart?

I'm not sure what "fall apart" means to you, but if you mean sob uncontrollably, you'll definitely feel better afterward. Crying seems to come much more easily to some people than others. It doesn't come easily to me. It's interesting that you mention being sick to your stomach, because that's how working up to a good cry felt to me. Sometimes it would take days. When the dam finally burst, it was the emotional equivalent of throwing up. After it's over you feel so much better you wonder why it took you so long to do it.

If you mean something more serious, like get really sick, or go into a severe depression, then the repair work takes a lot longer and costs a lot more. Learning to have a good cry when you need one can help keep it from coming to that.


What if I have to actually ask for help from people who have offered it?

You will do them a great honor and give them a precious gift. Asking for help when you really need it is an act of generosity, not selfishness. Allowing others to share your burden gives them the chance to participate in an intimate and powerful experience that binds hearts together and makes friends for life. Don't deny them that opportunity.

You are right because when I offer to help I mean it and it is a great honor when someone trusts you enough to take you up on your offer.

I have another question, if you all don't mind. I have really been craving a quick fix out of this, something to make me feel better (so I don't have to go through it). In my twenties , this meant any kind of male attention. Now, in my thirties, I recognize this in myself and huge stop signs flash before me when I start to crave this sort of attention. I have been emailing back and forth with an old friend (male) and even though my feelings have always been platonic, I am finding his attention and care and conversation very comforting and it feels different to the attention I am receiving from others(or my reaction to it is different). So, of course, my stop signs, go up. I want to keep in contact with him because we talk about the fun stuff in life (books, movies, funny things that happen at work and our tendency to over think things) and we make each other laugh. But I am also really hesitant and I am not sure why. Why am I feeling this way?

- Should I have posted this as a question??

My guess is that you are feeling this way because it is something you are missing in life right now. The 2 most important men in your life are gone.

Your stop signs are going up to warn you to be careful. Right now you are on the rebound. Maybe this guy knows that, I don't know, but he could be using that to get to you. I don't know him, so I can only guess.

Women's intuition is a very powerful thing. Pay attention to your "stop signs"

You really hit home with the "2 most important men missing" comment. I was married for ten years and I feel like a different person now than I was when I was 24!! As for my friend, he does seem genuine and he lives overseas permanently. I guess I was and am worried about my reaction to it it all. The feeling his attention gives me. I guess it makes sense given the two losses.

Yes, it makes perfect sense. He is filling the gaps that are missing in your life.

You are a different person than you were at 24, married or divorced. Times change, we have to change with them.

I was once where you are, but I had children. I understand what you are going through. My father left my mother at the same time. I understand the hole you are feeling in your heart and in your soul.

However, it does get better with time. But time moves so slowly doesn't it? It does until we look back. Then we wonder where the time has gone.

It has been 16 years since I went through what you are going through. At the time I thought every day took a million years to get through, now I look back and it seems like yesterday.

The feeling his attention gives you is warm isn't it? It makes you smile again. It gives you hope.

Well, hold on to your smile, hold on to your hope. You will be whole again soon. It may seem unattainable right now, but it is possible.

What I have learned about grief is when we grieve a new loss, we also go back and re-grieve every old loss we've experienced at a deeper level, some of them subconscious. It may be as straight forward as some part of you as a child wasn't supported or nurtured enough by a male (I am guessing here to give you a starting point for thought) and so when the pain comes, it sort of activates that old pain too and presto, your subconscious instincts blink the sign: seek male attention, maybe you'll get some approval too!

Its good that you are noticing it. Notice more of it too, if you can - just observe it, but don't judge-- leave the good and bad words behind on this one. I know it could work that way for me. The thing is to recognise it for what it is and give yourself appropriate guidelines about it... and it sounds with your stop sign trick, you have.

I know for me there are still some days when I long for a little note in my lunch bag from my long gone mother. Being adult means you operate on many levels and some of them aren't very grown up.

I have really been craving a quick fix out of this, something to make me feel better (so I don't have to go through it).

Of course, there are no quick fixes, and no way out except through it. If you did succeed in distracting yourself with a rebound relationship, you would only accumulate more baggage that would have to be dealt with later anyway. But that doesn't mean that an old friend can't help you through a tough time, so don't cut yourself off from that contact, just be aware, as you are, of your own responses and keep them appropriate and in bounds. The fact that he's a long ways away is probably fortunate. That should make it easier to keep from losing your balance.

You are all right about this. I just talked to my friend for over an hour and really noticed that I was feeling like I wanted the conversation, him or both the fill the gap inside me right now. And he/the conversation can't. That gap is there and even though I have hope that its not always going to feel this bad, there are no quick fixes. I guess I just wished I didn't feel that longing. It feels lonely. And yes, it is good he is a long ways away. Thanks guys.

You are all right about this. I just talked to my friend for over an hour and really noticed that I was feeling like I wanted the conversation, him or both the fill the gap inside me right now. And he/the conversation can't. That gap is there and even though I have hope that its not always going to feel this bad, there are no quick fixes. I guess I just wished I didn't feel that longing. It feels lonely. And yes, it is good he is a long ways away. Thanks guys.
I believe you found what some of my crowd likes to call the "God hole". It seems God or spiritual things best fit in there, at least to us. Alkie/Addicts try to fill it with booze and drugs, Overeaters with food, Codependents with perfect partners (no such thing exists!) and others with materialistic things like shopping and gambling. It could be other things too, the child within's yearning for acceptance, or functional autonomy or a sense of self, etc. Lots of people have holes too, lots and lots. It is universal in how it makes all of us feel very lonely, so know that you are not alone with that LOL And it certainly is something to be managed well, that's for sure. Perhaps you will visit with it more and discover more aspects of it too. You are doing well to notice what you have already too, by the way. So many people are too sleepwalking through life to do that. Grief does have a way of waking us up, if not completely then to a different kind of sleepwalking even, if that doesn't sound too weird!

I want to thank everyone who responded to my question(s) last week. It really helped a lot. I am really just allowing myself to be where I am at, in the moment. Your answers/comments/advice are printed off and I refer to them when I am being hard on myself. I reread your words and remember!! I have also reached out to lots of people in my life. I changed my email address to my maiden name and sent out a huge group email. I got so many responses and people checking to see how I was, it was wonderful. How truly blessed am I.

Good for you Lan... you found the gifts that come with the grief. I am glad.

Well you know all the tired clichés... journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other...

It was at a moment like this when I put a new twist on another old cliché... my modified saying is "you eat an elephant one bite at a time, and unfortunately, sometimes you have to eat it a$$ first"

I know. Ick. But its true. The worst part is now.

You're doing all the right things. Don't be too hard on yourself. Let yourself grieve, be angry, etc. don't be too soft either. Self pity gets boring quickly. I think you have a good balance right now. Glad to hear it.

Due to the site issue you are unable to see a post by ordinaryguy. I read it earlier today. I would love it if you would resubmit it.

Hi Lan-- Here's the post I submitted about the time the site went down. Sorry it took this long to get it back here.

It sounds like you're doing really well, and I'm so glad to know that. You are definitely having to eat an elephant (KP, you are BAD!), but you're making good progress. I hope you won't mind my mentioning something I've noticed. You really haven't said anything about your relationship with either your father or your ex-husband. Sometimes it helps to recall both the good and the bad about the ones we've lost, so if you feel like it would be helpful, I'd encourage you to talk about that a little. It's entirely up to you, but it could be helpful to recount some of the particulars in both those relationships. Just a thought, and I certainly won't be offended if this isn't the time or place for it.

I didn't notice that I hadn't said anything about my relationship with my dad or my husband. Interesting... well I have to say that up until my separation with my husband, my grief over my dad's death felt sad and warm like a big blanket and that is really a testement to who my dad is/was and my relationship with him. I really do not have any regrets in regards to him and me. He was a great dad. I mean a GREAT dad. He told me he loved me each time I saw him or talked to him on the phone. He was kind and soft spoken. Gentle and wise. And he loved us well. In my twenties he was still my protector and comforter. Anytime, something did not go well in my life, I would call and cry to him or my mom. And the relationship was still pretty much father/daughter. Into my late twenties our relationship took on another dimension of friendship. He started to talk to me about things going on in his life. I got to see him as a human being who made mistakes and had regrets and tough stuff in his life sometimes. We started talking more and spending time together when I was in town. I got to know him better. It was really nice. There is a Sarah McLaughlin song that says "you stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together, you're the one true thing I know I can believe in" That was my dad for me. I will write a separate post about my husband.

So my husband... well in the beginning ti was all going fine. We were a great pair, really well suited and happy to be getting married, It was a quick engagement as he and I were from different countries. I moved to his country for four years. The first year we were married I did my first year teaching and moved to an isolated community. And I had my first real about of depression. I gained some weight during that time as well. We decided to move back to my country and when I was still depressed and gained more weight, my husband withdrew, started gaming and our relationship sort of stopped. I decided to get help with everything, went to 12 step group for my overeating, went to a doctor for my physical stuff and saw a psychologist twice a month for three years. During those three years, I saw things as getting better. I had stopped overeating, lost a lot of weight, was feeling great about myself, got promoted at work and my depression had subsided. But my husband could not get over the previous three years where I was sick. He resented me for it and even though I had lost weight and stopped overeating he still resented me. He even asked me if I felt it was important that people 'don't let themselves go" when they get married. I was confused becasue I had worked so hard on gettign better and it still wasn't good enough. Yet, weirdly enough, I had resigned myself to the fact that things were going okay and that he would come around. As long as I kept taking care of myself and doing well, he would come around and stop resenting me. He couldn't. So when he told me everything that he felt, that he didn';t love me anymore and that he didn't want to go to marriage counselling with me - my heart changed. I was relieved, in some ways, to see him go. So I am still seeing the same Pyschologist and we are looking at the reason " I had resigned myself to the fact that things were going okay and that he would come around' why I put up with his resentment. Anytime I would stand up for myself, he accused me of not truly understanding what it was like for him to be with me the years I was sick. I guess I thought my actions were proving that I did understand. That I did want to get better and have a happier life with him. So I know that doesn't describe my rel. totally with my ex.husband but it is an overview of what went wrong, I guess. I still feel mixed emotions of guilt (because of the three years I was depressed) and emabarrassment. I think, if he couldn't love me through that - what is wrong with me? I think the answer is that there was not something wrong with me in isolation, there was something wrong with the relationship??

my grief over my dad's death felt sad and warm like a big blanket and that is really a testement to who my dad is/was and my relationship with him. I really do not have any regrets in regards to him and me. He was a great dad. I mean a GREAT dad.

How fortunate you are. Having no regrets makes the grieving process better (not necessarily easier) I think. The ability to savor the blessings of the relationship without the distraction of regrets almost adds a certain sharpness to the pain of loss. Regrets seem to make it duller, more drawn out. My dad was a good man, and a good father, but there were some issues between us that never got resolved. I only found out about the depth of his bitterness about it after his death, so that put a bit of a kink into my grieving process.

Hello!

I do not know all about divorce, not me personally but my parents did when I was a very young age. You have went through such an upheavel. That of course will cause so much stress and so much aggravation. All of this experience shows me your really strong and determined to make everything work even without your husband. As far as people saying you are so lucky that your husband did not cheat on you, How do you know this? It does not really matter anymore anyway, but I have a sinking suspicion that he did. As far as people saying your so lucky that you do not have children, yes that is a good thing because the upheavel from that effects the whole family and would be a lot harder to deal with. I think that it is important that now you do what is best for you. You moved 8 hours away from your family for your husband. Maybe what you should do, if this is in your heart and mind is if your still in the house, that you sell the house and move back closer to home so you do have more help. You do have family closer to you and then you might feel happier, more content and actually healthier. It would not hurt to get a physical from the doctor and get blood tests just to rule anything else out. I am not trying to scare you but I think these things are important for you to do for yourself.

Joe

I decided to get help with everything, went to 12 step group for my overeating, went to a doctor for my physical stuff and saw a psychologist twice a month for three years. During those three years, i saw things as getting better. I had stopped overeating, lost a lot of weight, was feeling great about myself, got promoted at work and my depression had subsided. But my husband could not get over the previous three years where I was sick. He resented me for it and even though I had lost weight and stopped overeating he still resented me. He even asked me if I felt it was important that people 'don't let themselves go" when they get married. I was confused becasue I had worked so hard on gettign better and it still wasn't good enough.

Ain't that a b1tch, when you deal with problems constructively but your partner remains stuck in the past! I guess you just have to take it as a lesson that the reason you do it really is for yourself, not for them. I wonder if the reason he couldn't leave it behind is that he saw you as his trophy, or an accessory to enhance his image, rather than as a whole person in your own right. Once the trophy was tarnished, it lost its value for him.



I think, if he couldn't love me through that - what is wrong with me? I think the answer is that there was not something wrong with me in isolation, there was something wrong with the relationship????

I'd say if he couldn't love you through that, what is wrong with HIM? I know, there's no point in blaming him, but it's not blame to simply recognize that his love was selfish and shallow. You acted responsibly and with great courage to pull yourself out of depression and turn your life around. A man who truly loved you would have loved you even more for being so courageous. The fact that he couldn't do it reflects on him and his motivations, not on you or "the relationship".

"I'd say if he couldn't love you through that, what is wrong with HIM? I know, there's no point in blaming him, but it's not blame to simply recognize that his love was selfish and shallow. " posted by ord.guy

I know that you are right. I know that you are right. Intellectually, I know that you are right. I still get these thoughts though that - if he left me and didn't want to love me for better or for worse - do I need to change? Am I okay exactly as I am, right here, right now, take me or leave me? And, intellectually I say YES, YES, YES!! Emotionally, I still feel wounded. The good thing is that right here, right now, if this is what life will be like for me - I am going to okay. I do have friends, family, laughter and love in my life (and now, a clean, restored vacuum cleaner!! -see my first post)

Great suggestion , ord.guy, about writing about my relationships. I went into more detail in my journal and it felt good to get everything in my head down on paper.

"Maybe what you should do, if this is in your heart and mind is if your still in the house, that you sell the house and move back closer to home so you do have more help. You do have family closer to you and then you might feel happier, more content and actually healthier." posted by Jesushelper76

I couldn't agree with you more and that is exactly what I have been planning to do. I am going to finish this school year and then more closer to home. Luckily, financially, it makes the best sense as houses are considerably cheaper closer to home. They say to not make major decision during a time like this but this one is a no brainer. Closer to friends - good. Close to family - good. Make some money selling my house and be more comfortable financial - good!!

These feelings just prove you are human with a since of self. Many condolences. It WILL take time.

Hello

Three months ago my dad passed away really suddenly. One month ago, my husband left and said he didn't love me anymore. I believed him. I got all the money in order, went to a lawyer and applied for a new mortgage and bought my husband out. I sorted through the whole house, pictures, everything and split everything up. I took three days off work to do all of the previous things then went back to work teaching junior high/senior high special education a one hour commute from home. I am now left with two dogs and a real numb feeling. Now all that sort of stuff is done - I am sitting here and the major thing I am feeling is confusion and nausea. I make it through work and then come home and feel tired, dizzy. I am making mistakes like vacuum over wet stuff and ruining my expensive vacuum cleaner. I have lots of support from family and friends but I am 8 hours away from all of them (I moved here for my husband's job) People are telling how lucky I am that I don't have kids, that he didn't cheat on me, that I have a good job and could asfford all of this upheaval. and I agree with them that it is lucky. However, how I am I supposed to feel? Is this what it is supposed to feel like? :confused:
Believe me be very happy you don't have kids with this... I am still in college stuck with this guy until I get my life together. I am very sorry you lost your dad . I lost my parents when I was only 12 so I can relate to your pain