Hey everyone, I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now and at the beginning things have been going great. We spend a fair amount of time together and get together whenever we can. Lately things haven't been as wonderful as they once were. First off she is 32 and I am 26, She has been married but has been divorced 2 years ago because her ex cheated on her. My ex broke up with me 2 years ago and this girl right now is the first really steady relationship I have had since the breakup. Because of our breakups we both have our insecurities. I have the fear of starting a new relationship, putting all this effort into it and have it not work out in the end. She has the whole cheating insecurity where she fears it is going to happen again and blames herself for it.

A few weeks ago I had a friend over and she called me to talk like she does every night. I talked to her for a bit but she had to go walk her dog so she asked me to call her later when I was alone. My friend went home and I called her but got no answer from her. Friends called me and asked me if I wanted to go for drinks. I waited for a call back from her for about 30 minutes but got nothing so I agreed to go out with my friends. I was there for about a half hour and while I was at the bar she called me back but I didn't even notice she called me until I checked my phone later on in the night and noticed that she called twice and left a voicemail. I didn't want to be out anymore so I headed home and gave her a call. When she answered I said sorry for missing her call, but she didn't seem too pleased by that. I told her that I didn't hear the phone and missed her call. I didn't want to tell her I went to the bar because I didn't know how she would react to that. I know I lied and I feel horrible. She then told me that she was worried about me and couldn't sleep, so she jumped in the car and went for a drive and ended up driving by my house and saw that my car wasn't there. I told her that I don't know what to tell her and she believed that she might have drove by the wrong house. She then started to regret doing that and started to really feel bad, thinking that she is sabotaging this relationship. She told me that she always does this and doesn't know what she act crazy like this. I don't think it was crazy, I just think she is really cautious. I know I lied to her and I am no saint in what happened, but driving to my house to check if I am there, I think that is something else. I know why she did it.. because when her ex was cheating on her she would call him to see where he is and he wouldn't answer because he was with his new woman.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. If she text me and I don't reply to every text that she sends she thinks that I am trying to avoid her and I hear about it later. She tells me that I am the sweetest guy that she has been with but that she thinks that she is screwing everything up with her insecurities. When she does these things it makes it hard to stay with her but when she isn't like that it is amazing to be around her. We almost broke up today because of a text incident to me it seems like she is waiting for me to pull the trigger on this relationship. She doesn't want to break up but doesn't know why I put up with all of this. I have never broken up with anyone, the girl has always been the one that breaks up with me. I don't want to hurt her so I stick with it hoping I can get over my insecurities and hope she will do the same. Is it worth it to stay together and working things out? Or should I end it and give us both an oppurtunity in finding someone new.

We can't tell you if its worth it to stay together or not. Only you can decide if its worth it for you.

What I can tell you is this-trust and communication are two of the very most important things in any sort of relationship. You two seem to be lacking both. You don't trust each other and neither one of you seems to be very good at communicating what you're feeling. If you both think you can work through things and be happy together, great. But that could be a pretty tough road and its going to take a lot from both of you to make it through.

It's only been 3 months and you've already got doubts, and she's riddled with insecurities.

Wow. You're scared to tell her you've been to a bar with friends and she drives past your house to see if you car is there! Creepy.

I don't think that the passage of time will change this developing dynamic - in fact, it will only make it worse as deeper insecurities surface. You'll hide more things and feel under more pressure to respond to her phone calls and texts and she'll be worrying and stalking you in her car!

Don't kid yourself that things will get better - now she's going to find any excuse to prove to herself that you're untrustworthy.

Who cares that you've never broken up with anyone before? It's already broken - don't fix it. Sometimes we just have to let go of something that ain't going to work.

My thought is she needs to go see a doctor. A pysc, actually. Her anxiety can easily be treated with an antidepressent. It may make her worlds easier to be around too. You like her, I know you do from the way you talk about her. She is hard to stay in synk with but there are things with the relationship you do not want to give up. I get that. If she is so afraid of killing the relationship then she will be glad to go get checked for depression, stress, or any of the sort that could cause this behavior in her. I know your story, it was mine. I went through the same things, and actually later put my current girlfriend through the same things. If she doesn't stop the tracking you then yeah, leave. However if she gets better with medication I would say stay and love her when its good and step back when its bad. BEcause I know that when its good its wonderful, when its bad its horrible. Yin and yang, no between. That's my girlfriend. And I always say so long as you are in love 85% of the time and love each other 100% of the time it is totally worth your time. (there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.)

If you think you can put all the blame on someone who is insecure, think again.

Your little lies because of your fears, are fueling her to be a lot more insecure than she was before.

You are not the guy for her, because you have your own issues to address, as evident looking over your other posts, and can't help her because you don't have a clue how.

This will get worse without major changes, by you both, and I don't see that happening, with, or without counseling, but individually, you both need some guidance.

More so, you have a history of jumping to fast, into something with your eyes closed.

Threads merged

Hey everyone, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 months yesterday but Im really confused if it was the right thing to do or not. I miss her lots as anyone would after breaking up with someone but I'm still not convinced it was the right thing. I went out with some friends on staurday night right after having dinner with my ex. She said that if I needed a ride home or would like to see her after I was done that I should call her. When I got home from my friends place I just went to bed and didn't give her a call. I figured I would just give her a call when I woke up the next day. She then gave me a call in the morning and asked me why I never called her, she then proceeded in telling me that she thinks I don't put enough effort into this relationship and that she feels that she has to compete with my friends for attention and that they are winning instead of her. I agree I don't put her first, she is important to me as much as my friends and I try to keep them balanced, but she doesn't believe that should be and that I should put her first ahead of my friends. She has a lot of insecurities and trust issues, as I have stated in my previous posts. But now I am starting to believe, now that she is gone, that I shouldve put her first and made more of an effort in this relationship. She kept asking me why I don't fight for this to work and why I am just giving up and she started to cry saying that this always happens to her. That she meets a really nice guy and later on they refuse to fight for it and always just give up and walk away. I feel I am no better than those guys she has dated. I really miss her but with all the insecurities she has and my issues that I'm dealing with, it makes it hard for us to have something. My issues of being hurt again are bringing out he issues and they both clash and make it very hard to stay together. We argue most of the time and with her being older than me (she's 32 and I'm 26) I feel that she has a different agenda than I do. Even though she tells me that she doesn't want to get married or have children anytime soon, but still wants them someday, I still feel that over time she is going to want those things sooner than I want them, and that will later be the reason for it ending. She always tells me that she hopes to find that special person someday that wants to be with her, and when she says this to me I usually feel pretty pathetic. How would you guys feel if your girlfriend looked right at you and said that she hopes she find that perfect man someday? Would that make you guys feel good? I know it doesn't make me feel good. She doesn't want to break up at all and wants me to reconsider. Its been 1 day and I'm already blocked off her Facebook. She does that because she feels it helps her get over that person. All she wants is somebody who wants to be with her, I don't feel I was the best person to her and I kind of regret breaking up with her.

My question is do you think I made the right decision or should I have stuck it out, put more effort into it and maybe it would have been better?

Reading through your previous threads,I suggest you stay broken up.

You should work on your own issues and hopefully your next relationship will work out for you.

I say stay broken up. You broke up with her for a reason and she is trying to guilt you into staying. Its working so far so try harder to stay away. If you did not feel that it was worth the effort, then it wasn't worth the effort.
Girls say hurtful things when they get broken up with, and mostly its geared to get to our hearts soft spots. And a lot of times it works. The worst part is always seeing her tears and the horrible frown that shatters your heart, but you have to leave. You can do no more for this relationship. Also, its such a young relationship, its so much better to get out now than to do it in a year.

Well I talked to my ex last Thursday cause I had to pick up my dvd player from her house I left over there. She thought I would have called her earlier in the week but I never did cause I felt that she needed space from me. We talked for awhile and I told her that I missed her and still don't want to lose contact and that we would try and be friends. As hard as that is we still wanted to give it a shot. She felt better that we would still talk and went out that night with friends. I went out with my friends to the local bar to get my mind off things when I looked across the bar and to my surprise there she was dancing with her friend. I saw this and didn't feel like being there anymore so I took off. I know what your thinking.. I broke up with her so why am I he one that is leaving? Well I didn't want to run into her there and have an awkward night.. she seemed to be okay but I needed to get away from there

I then texted her later that night cause I assumed that she saw me there and didn't want it to be anymore awkward. I never got a reply until the next day. Easter was Sunday and I started to feel that I made a mistake in breaking up with her. I sent her a text saying happy easter but never got anything back for a few hours. Then she asked me if I wanted to come over and get my dvd player. I told her that I would pick it maybe tomorrow if she was going to be home. All night I thought about her and how I felt I made a mistake in the breakup and felt that way until I got to work and when I didn't think about her and started to become completely confused about what I want. This past Monday I got off work early and texted her to see if I could pick it up. Again I never got a reply for a few hours. She did text me eventually and told me she was home and so I went over there to get it. When I saw her I started to feel things again and as nervous as I was I realized how gorgeous she is and how I made a mistake. I asked her if we could go for a drink tonight.. she said she was busy tonight but maybe another time. I left her place and went home. A few hours later she messaged me and asked if we could still go for a drink around 9ish. I met her for a drink, chatted for awhile and then proceeded to tell her how much I miss her and how I don't feel good about the breakup. She told me that she misses me a lot and was happy that I am telling her the things that she has wanted me to say for months. We went back to her place and talked some more and she put her head on my shoulder and laid there for quite awhile. We hugged and I left feeling very good about what just happened. In my mind we weren't back together but that I found out that she does miss me and that there is a hope to work things out.

Last night I came home from work and still felt good about everything. I then got a phone call from her and she invited me to watch a movie at her place. I was overtired from the night before so I told her that I would do it another night. She understood and said goodnight. Not even 20 minutes later she called me up again... very angry and yelling at me asking me what I am trying to accomplish here. She feels confused on why we went for drinks the night before and listen to me tell her all these things about how I've felt like I made a mistake and miss her, and then the next day she never heard from me and declined watching a movie at her place. She asked me why I asked her out for drinks and say these things to her and then completely change the following day. She feels used and I don't blame her, I felt like I made a big mistake but now its gone from being sure that its what I wanted, to being unsure that it was the right choice and maybe stay broken up. She wanted me to make a choice then and there and asked me what it is that I want. Cause she needs to be with someone that wants to be with her not someone that is unsure.

One of the main concerns that I have with her is that I sometimes believe that she has a different agenda than me. Because she is 32 and I am 26 I feel she wants to settle down soon and wants something more to happen quicker. I am not ready to move in with anyone and certainly not ready for marriage. When I told her this last night she thought that it wasn't fair for me to think that way. To just assume she has an agenda with me is crazy cause she doesn't want those things right now either. She has already been married so she did the marriage thing and is certainly going to take time in jumping into that again. She doesn't want kids cause she can barely afford the place that she is living in right now. When she said that it made a lot of sense. She just wants to be with me and wants me to just want to be with her. She told me that she has dated younger before and when it didn't work out she said she wouldn't date younger again but when she met me I changed her mind. My mother doesn't like the idea that she is older than me and she feels that she has a different agenda than I do. She says that her being older is fine now but it won't be in a year. My mother doesn't know that she has already been married before and has no interest of doing that again until she finds the right person again and she doesn't know if that is me.

So anyway, the phone call ended with us leaving off the phone bacause it was almost 3AM and there wasn't much to say anymore. She made some strong points and really made sense but I don't know what to do. I know its my life and I need to take care of it but I have a girl who loves me and seems right in every way and doesn't want the things that I thought she wanted. She just wants me to want to be with her and wants to be with someone who wants to be there. So why can't I just be with her and do what needs to be done for this to work out?

You seem to be on the right track just keep telling her how you feel and if she invites you out and you can't go let her know why so she doesn't feel used

Poor guy, don't even know your being controlled. That's sad.

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

Go back to my first answer in this thread - remember how I said it would get worse? Everything seems wonderful, then you tell her you're too tired to watch a movie with her and she cracks it?

She's playing you like a violin, my friend, and it's only been 4 months. She's into control and telling you what you want to hear. And, you have a tendency from your previous posts towards being insecure and unassertive.

You have doubts, listen to those doubts, and listen to what other people are saying to you. I would suggest that you tread very carefully, it's too soon to know her, and it's much too soon to 'love' her.