I caught my husband called and SMS text messages with many women. He regularly met those women in the bars, restaurants. He told me they are female friends. He just like the attention from them. He said there never have sexual relations with those women, only talking, joking or dancing. We have married for 11 years and have a three year old daughter. My husband admitted that the reasons he needs to contact with those women are (1) midlife crisis (he is over 40 year old) (2) there is no passion in our marriage life (3) he felt less challenge at work (4) he attracts to younger women and likes their attentions. My husband said by contacting many women actuarially reduce the risk to have an affair. He said he does not want to have an affair with anyone. He had an affair two years ago and ended painfully as she became a harassment. I try to give my husband more attentions and work on my appearance and figures. But I am 40 years old and it is very difficult to be slim as a 20s or 30s ladies. (He said his standard is very high and like women have flat belly.) My husband said he attracted to slim women and he does not sexually attracted to me anymore as he just see me as mother of our daughter and I am over weight in his eyes. (I am five feet and 112 lbs, US size 6) He said he will not marry any of those women and probably get sick with them in one month as they have some characters he can't stand. He loves our daughter and never want to lose her because of divorce. He still loves me and think I am a good mother and good wife but just is bored with me. I can't monitor his mobile calls any more as he has put on a new password. He admitted he will not stop contacting those women in short term. Should I trust him will play this game within the boundary and work on improving our relationship with him(i.e. more time together and give him more attentions) We enjoy together to see movies, TVs and dinner out as long as I don't need to deal with my daughter. He said I always ignore him when I dealt with my daughter. But we have little sexual activities for last two years (we only did it because we were trying to have second child but unfortuantely I had two miscarriages ) He is not interested in having sex with me but surf around internet long nights instead. He said that it is not proud to surf internet for sexual needs. I hate to be worry that he may have an affair some day. Should I wait until he pass the "mid-life" crisis? I had thought about divorce but I am worry of losing existing financial comfort and the impact on my daughter. The worst is I still love him as long he does not think of other women. Some books talk about recandle the love to save marriage. Is there any hope? We have been together for a long way and had so many lovely memory. I really do not want to give it in.

Your husband is playing a very dangerous game. He's already cheated on you, and he's purposefully putting himself in the position to be able to do it again. He's already told you he doesn't want you for anything other than to be the mother of his children.

It's clear that your husband has no respect for you. And obviously, you cannot trust him.

Putting you down and making you feel ugly is unacceptable. Continuing in that situation will only hurt you, and ultimately hurt the children as they watch him distance himself from their mother.

I'm not usually one for ultimatims, but in this case, your husband has to make a choice: His family or his mistresses.

This is such a sad situation. First, the fact that your husband is giving you reasons for his emotional cheating is scary. It means that he feels no remorse for searching out younger women to have a relationship with (sexual or otherwise). I agree with Philly, he does not respect you. I am concerned as to what his continued insults will do to your mental health. My guess is that you are a beautifully attractive woman, and a great mom. In my opinion your husband's nasty comments are a mask for his own insecurities about getting older and his concern about losing you.

He cheated on you once, he is now cheating on you again emotionally, how much can a women handle, he is telling you is bored of you... mmm, nice!

Don't give up. Your life starts at 40, you can still look good, dress up and make yourself feel good. Go out with the girls for 1 night and let your husband stay at home babysitting.

He doesn't respect you I'm afraid. You need to be strong and sort this issue out because at the end of the day you are not happy.
Do you want to stay with this man?

I caught my husband called and SMS text messages with many women. He regularly met those women in the bars, restaurants. He told me they are female friends. He just like the attention from them. He said there never have sexual relations with those women, only talking, joking or dancing. We have married for 11 years and have a three year old daughter. My husband admitted that the reasons he needs to contact with those women are (1) midlife crisis (he is over 40 year old) (2) there is no passion in our marriage life (3) he felt less challenge in the work (4) he attracts to younger women and likes their attention. My husband said by contacting many women actuarially reduce the risk to have an affair. He said he does not want to have an affair with anyone. He had an affair two years ago and ended painfully as she became a harassment. I try to give my husband more attentions and work on my appearance and figures. But I am 40 years old and it is very difficult to be slim as a 20s or 30s ladies. My husband said he attracted to slim women and he does not attracted to me anymore as he just see me as mother of our daughter. He said he will not marry any of those women and probably get sick with them in one month as they have some characters he can't stand. He loves our daughter and never want to lose her because of divorce. He still loves me but just is bored with me. I can't monitor his mobile calls any more as he has put on a new password. He admitted he will not stop contacting those women in short term. Should I trust him will play this game within the boundary and work on improving our relationship with him(i.e. more time together and give him more attentions) We enjoy together to see movies, TVs and dinner out as long as I don't need to deal with my daughter. But we have little sexual activities for last two years (we only did it because we were trying to have second child but unfortuantely I had two miscarriages ) I hate to be worry that he may have an affair some day. Should I wait until he pass the "mid-life" crisis? I had thought about divorce but I am worry of losing existing financial comfort and the impact on my daughter. The worst is I still love him as long he does not think of other women.
Midlife crisis (bull, just an excuse) that is no reason so toss that one out (2) there is no passion in our marriage life (it takes two) to make the passion so to half of the fault is his (3) he felt less challenge in the work (well then) take the time he has flirting and find a new job or retrain in a new job (4) he attracts to younger women and likes their attention (if he) put in half the time as he does into flirting into the marriage there would be more passion. If he was not scared enough to lose you after the 1st affair and his daughter is has no respect for you. Since he got away with it the 1st time he thinks he can keep doing it. Sorry just how guys are. The worst is not the existing financial comfort but what kind of example you set for your daughter. When do you get to have your mid-life crisis? Would he be willing to put up with the same from you, my guess would be no. Stop putting fuel on the fire. Two choices he stops and puts in time with you or get out.

Yes, those reasons are all bull, he wants sex from varouis women for full, plain and simple.

He does not care for you, or love you or respect you, no one that does those things. Have you changed the locks on your house to lock him out,and filed for child cusotdy and support, that would be the first move the day after he feed me that line of bull on his reasons.

Move him out and take him for every penny he has and will ever have if you can. Go to any joint checking accounts, before he knows it, and take every penny. I am sorry a man who does these things and is so cold as to blame you, deserves more than he can ever get.

Forget your about your husband for now. He can deal with his own demons. I think you should focus less on this marriage and a whole lot more on YOURSELF. Empower yourself with doing what it is that you enjoy. If you have a job, great. If not get one. Part time, full time whatever. You are powerless over what he does, and empowering yourself for your benefit, will I think, relieve you of any insecurity and give you the self-esteem to be, no ones doormat or take crap from anybody!

Wow, what a mess! I am sorry there isn't an easier way to put it. Forgive me for such a strong reaction but his behavior would be considered totally unacceptable in my circles. He needs to be shown the door and now too. If he offers to make changes, suggest he prove it by making them. Once they are made only then should you consider letting him back into your life. He is like a little kid in an adult body doing any darn thing that pleases him with no consequence to it. Why would you tolerate such stuff -- the money? The kids? Consider the lesson you are teaching your kids-- that for the right amount of money, abuse is acceptable. Everyone is losing here. If tolerating him works for you, then more power to you but that mostly means you can expect more of the same from what I have seen of how the world works. Wake up, Lady Boo... if not for you, then for the sake of your kids and start packing.

Yes - THIS IS CHEATING!! Emotional cheating is just as bad or worse than physical.

He is what we call a complete jerk.

He does not respect you one bit. You can never trust him. No respect. No trust. No relationship.

YEs - this has gone on too long - he says he won't stop.

Time to find a good divorce attorney as he will not respect your wishes.

Plenty of great men out there - he is not one of them. There is no need to spend another day with this guy.

Yu will be so much happier once he is mostly out of your life.

I'd contatc that divorce attorney today.

This is no mid-life crisis.

Do not listen to anymore of his lies.

I always say - once a cheater - always a cheater - I will always say that. Guys like this DO NOT STOP.

He will have to take care of you and your daughter.

I do agree you should work on yourself as well. Start working out. Take some classes. Hang with your friends and other family. Find new hobbies.

And leave this jerk today.

I am so sorry you have to be going through this. I know it is hard, especially with a 3 year old.

That said, I personally believe he is cheating. If they were just "friends" why can't you see his messages?

He had an affair and is most likely having one or more now.

You should pack his stuff and change the locks. File for divorce, custody, child support and any other support you can get until you are on your feet.

Wow, he says you are not attractive to him anymore? I am sorry, but you know someone else is sure to think you are a knockout! And that someone would deserve you. This man does not deserve you.

You need to work on you right now, as the others have said. You deserve much more than this so called man gives you.

Yes, Miss Boo. Love yourself, girl! You're only as beautiful as you FEEL, and I know you're probably feeling so unattractive by those comments and your age or size has NOTHING to do with it. I'm 31 and have friends in their 40's who would kick my butt all day long in a beauty contest, but that's not what it's about. ON THAT NOTE this is absolute perfect timing... today at lunch, my husband pointed out a woman in her 40's was very pretty in the restaurant today. He said, I know she's older, but she sure is pretty. AND NO, she wasn't a "skinny minnie" either. And she WAS pretty, Boo! And MOST of what made her pretty to me is the JOY and HAPPINESS that gleamed from every bone in her "not so perfect" body!! It reaffirms that beauty comes from within. I'm sure if she had a sour look on her face or felt insecure (or just was a b_i_ch), that she would have never stood out for him to notice. (And no, I'm not jealous, I just hope that when I'm her age I look that good!) Anyway, what's happening to you isn't about looks, I just had to throw that in the timing was so perfect.

I'm a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason" and I think a higher power was looking after you regarding your miscarriages. Please don't take that the wrong way, as I wish no harm on anyone.

Your husband likes the security of a wife always at his side, cook, cleaner, etc. (but doesn't want to give you the respect that you deserve?) He wants his cake and eat it too (did I say that right?) I think he needs a reality check from you that you're not going to stand for it. Boo, he's point-blank told you things that he INTENTIONALLY knew would hurt you, and that's down right mean to me. It's not about you, it's about him. You don't seem to be the one to blame, but I get the impression that you think if you were prettier/skinnier this would all go away. NOT SO. Don't give him the Privilege of him even THINKING you're trying to improve your looks for HIM. He doesn't deserve it. And if he didn't have anything to hide, he WOULDN'T change his passwords. LOVE YOURSELF, if you don't love yourself first, it's hard for anyone else to! You're worth it; what's not to love??

Ditto what J 9 said.

I only date older women. Love them. You'll find a man that loves you.

One more thing... As embarrassed as I am to say I had a failed marriage (I was young and didn't know any better--but learned a lot from the mistake) this reminds me of a similar situation I encountered (about the passwords). But then again, I'm not embarrassed, I'm very proud that I stood up for myself and didn't take any more emotional beatings, and am a much better person because of it. I look back and am thankful that I experienced it, for I wouldn't appreciate a lot of the qualities of my husband today. You will also learn from this and be a stronger person.

My very jealous ex-husband once gave me his personal pager when he was issued one from his work (so that he could keep tabs on me, of course). Gee, I wondered why he had the number changed... guess why? After I finally got up enough nerve to leave, I found out very shortly after. I don't think I need to say anymore.

After I finally got up enough nerve to leave, I found out very shortly after. I don't think I need to say anymore.
Not fair to leave us hanging Jen!! :confused:

Sorry! Of course he was cheating!! He was a law enforcement investigator and was flinging with the assistant DA!! Funny how you find out all of these things once you stand up for yourself! No one will tell you while you're still in it! Like I said, everyone started loving me once I decided to love myself in that situation. :)

See - he thinks he has you cornered in - thinks you won't leave the marriage - so he takes advantage of you - very sick!!

I caught my husband called and SMS text messages with many women. He regularly met those women in the bars, restaurants. He told me they are female friends. He just like the attention from them. He said there never have sexual relations with those women, only talking, joking or dancing. We have married for 11 years and have a three year old daughter. My husband admitted that the reasons he needs to contact with those women are (1) midlife crisis (he is over 40 year old) (2) there is no passion in our marriage life (3) he felt less challenge at work (4) he attracts to younger women and likes their attentions. My husband said by contacting many women actuarially reduce the risk to have an affair. He said he does not want to have an affair with anyone. He had an affair two years ago and ended painfully as she became a harassment. I try to give my husband more attentions and work on my appearance and figures. But I am 40 years old and it is very difficult to be slim as a 20s or 30s ladies. (He said his standard is very high and like women have flat belly.) My husband said he attracted to slim women and he does not sexually attracted to me anymore as he just see me as mother of our daughter and I am over weight in his eyes. (I am five feet and 112 lbs, US size 6) He said he will not marry any of those women and probably get sick with them in one month as they have some characters he can't stand. He loves our daughter and never want to lose her because of divorce. He still loves me and think I am a good mother and good wife but just is bored with me. I can't monitor his mobile calls any more as he has put on a new password. He admitted he will not stop contacting those women in short term. Should I trust him will play this game within the boundary and work on improving our relationship with him(i.e. more time together and give him more attentions) We enjoy together to see movies, TVs and dinner out as long as I don't need to deal with my daughter. He said I always ignore him when I dealt with my daughter. But we have little sexual activities for last two years (we only did it because we were trying to have second child but unfortuantely I had two miscarriages ) He is not interested in having sex with me but surf around internet long nights instead. He said that it is not proud to surf internet for sexual needs. I hate to be worry that he may have an affair some day. Should I wait until he pass the "mid-life" crisis? I had thought about divorce but I am worry of losing existing financial comfort and the impact on my daughter. The worst is I still love him as long he does not think of other women. Some books talk about recandle the love to save marriage. Is there any hope? We have been together for a long way and had so many lovely memory. I really do not want to give it in.
if I were you I would dumpe him and then get a divorse he iz not wroth it

No Val - he is a sociopath - sadly.

None of the reasons are good
U should divorce, or something

I hope you taken everyone's advice. It's totally time to leave this relationship today. I know there are some great women here who can guide you through this. I J_9 could help you a ton if you sent here a private message.

You need to get out of this today. What he does is a form of massive abuse. This is not to take lightly. Go to a good divorce attorney and they will shed some light on this as well.

NO ONE should have to go through this type of CRUEL treatment.

I am in a similar situation.My husband is s.. ing around,too.After the first hurt I have to tell you:
Number one-it is not your fault.My husband put the guilt trip on me,too,and I took it but now I know better.I am on a good forum,the
Midlifecrisisforum
And it helps to read that you are not alone and it is not your fault.
Second,make sure that you keep all records about bank accounts and bills and stuff as he might try to hide assets from you.You will need them.Get counseling for yourself and legal counsel and get support from family and friends-not his,though!
Just my experience.

Thank you for all the advices so far. I just went to the website "midlifecrisisforum" recommended by Beanster. I found a article called "HIS Midlife Crisis! Will Your Relationship Survive? By Pat Gaudette, founder of The Midlife Club. Most friends from this forum advised to divorce. It is the quick fix for the current problem. My husband may learn his lesson but it will be too late. I will have new life. We can make our choices but my daughter does not have one. She is only looser in this case. I really want to work thing out. So really welcome who have been through similar situation to share some experience. I told to my husband few time over the past few days. He is in two minds, one is selfish who does not want to give up the excitement of playing around. The other is who think about the damage to family and his daughter especially. If there is hope, I does not want to walk away from this problems.

Most relationship problems take time to work out. Only you can say how much time you will put into this.

Thank you for all the advices so far. I just went to the website "midlifecrisisforum" recommended by Beanster. I found a article called "HIS Midlife Crisis! Will Your Relationship Survive? by Pat Gaudette, founder of The Midlife Club. Most friends from this forum advised to divorce. It is the quick fix for the current problem. My husband may learn his lesson but it will be too late. I will have new life. We can make our choices but my daughter does not have one. She is only looser in this case. I really want to work thing out. So really welcome who have been through similar situation to share some experience. I told to my husband few time over the past few days. He is in two minds, one is selfish who does not want to give up the excitement of playing around. The other is who think about the damage to family and his daughter especially. If there is hope, I does not want to walk away from this problems.
I don't know the site you mention but please let me add this. There is nothing "quick fix" about a divorce. To think like that would be a serious underestimation of the pain that ordeal is. And this problem is not just current-- its pretty entrenched from what you indicated. If he is willing to work with you, go for it. Seek marriage counseling. Knowing what I know about "work" like that-- its going to be no easy task for him. And regardless of whether he works it out or you splt up, you might consider tackling a little work in the abused wife department too -- it could pay off well for you. You can have a new life but it takes effort too. One day at a time, one decision at a time. Choose well and good luck.

Personally - I don't think you will work things out with this guy - he'scheated on you before. This isn't a mid-life crissis. He treats you like crap.

I bet $1 million he never change - talks is cheap. He had his chance over and over.

This isn't some ream where he will magically stop doing what he is doing. Hedoesn't respect you - you do somehthing doesn't comand respect - I assume not spine.

Time to grow a spine and self confidence and dump this loser.

Hi Boo,

My oh My. First, without ever having meeting you, I just know you are one beautiful women both inside and out.

As far as your husband goes, don't know him, and can only go by what you shared. In reading your words, I felt my own heart pounded down to the ground with each word, thought, comment he has said to you. I can only try and imagine what all of this has done to you inside and yet, you are still standing and it appears you want to keep your family whole. Boo, it is apparent that you do still have internal strength, which is amazing considering all that you have and are enduring, but good for you.

If I were in your shoes, the first place I would seek support would be with my Church. Not sure if you are affliated with a Church. When I was feeling a bit lost, a sought the council of a priest (I am Catholic). Some may balk at that as they say what do priest know, they were never married. However, you will be AMAZED at the wonderful advice, council and loving guidance I received. The priest was able to cut right to the chase. He was able to do this as he used the marriage vows spoken and shared as the base for his
Advice and guidance. It was incredibly enlightening and believe you me right on the money. I will tell you this, if my situation was like yours, I think the priest would be floored, and this may surprise some, but the priest I sought council from, more than likely would give the same advice given here. This is an incredibly unhealthy situation for you to remain in. Something needs to change. You deserve so much better.

I just share this with you as a possibility for a place to start in your healing.

You are an amazing women and I wish you all the best.

Please stay in touch with us, you have many folks who care.

Fill your time with the things YOU enjoy doing, Hobbies, a JOB, friends. Don't nag or pressure him, but be less available. Take a vacation to clear your head, heart, and emotions. Think of what YOU want, plan how to get it, and go for it. If you have to leave him in front of his computer, do so because you have a life. If he can't wake up and smell the coffee let him sleep. If he can't give you the attention he gives others, something's wrong with him. HIS problem not yours. You deserve a life, and to be happy, and have fun. Depend on yourself for these things.