I am a straight woman but fell in love with my lesbian friend over a year ago. Both of us are in long term relationships, and I couldn't possibly imagine her feeling that way about me - she is a butch looking lesbian, I'm a very ordinary looking/acting straight woman - so initially I felt embarrassed and mortified about my feelings and tried to talk myself out of it. However, right around the time I fell in love with her, our friendship really took off, with suddenly a lot more emailing each other and affectionate comments from her like "I miss being around you." Each time she made a comment like that I'd feel completely undone, but then tell myself she is just very expressive and affectionate and this must be how really affectionate, expressive friends talk to each other, and I am just uncool to think it means any more than that. Over the past year we email each other so much that apparently her partner thinks we are having an affair. Sometimes we email or text 15 times in a day, and she has emailed/texted me in the middle of the night more than once. Sometimes I feel that she does love me but doesn't know what to do about the situation. Other times I feel that I am just foolish and should try to get over this. She texted me at 10pm one night to say her girlfriend was away. This lead to her inviting me over for dinner while her girlfriend was away. Nothing happened except some very long hugs on parting at midnight. The next morning she texted me at 9am. We've been out with mutual friends until 3 in the morning and then she's texted me at 1 the next afternoon. We are not teenagers - I'm in my late 30s. I just want to know - to her is this just an affectionate friendship with a straight friend?

I'd tread very cautiously here - first of all she's in a lesbian relationhsip and what you're doing is tantamount to emotional cheating. Isn't it?

Imagine if she was a man and was texting/emailing you 15 times a day and in the middle of the night. This is not an 'affectionate' friendship. No wonder her partner thinks you're having an affair!

This relationship is going beyond the bounds of what might be considered a normal friendship.

You may well be confused about your sexuality, but be aware that there is clearly unresolved sexual tension and a form of emotional cheating.

I'd talk to her about it and let her know that you're uncomfortable. And, I'd back off until she can be clear about what she wants if I were you - there are other people being hurt.

I think you may find her attractive because you need someone. Perhaps you are of that sexual nature too though. You really never know unless you become open to it. But regardless you are going after another woman's woman and you need to back off. It is not cool to break up a loving relationship.

I feel for you, I do, however you need to step back and take a look at what you're doing. Make sure you are not doing something that you'd regret.

Also as a side note you need to make sure that this is not just a curiousity. You might make a huge mistake and end up hurting someone that doesn't deserve it.

Hello Yippee,

You asked, "To her, is this just an affectionate friendship with a straight friend?" I think it's safe to say, she has feelings for you, and not in a buddy buddy way.

Some where along the way, you two fell in love with each other, or developed strong feelings for one another. NOW, what to do with that? Nothing! Keep your distance for now! After all, she is taken. You need to tell her that she is in a relationship already, so she needs to focus on her, or end it! Plain and simple!


Let me ask you this, if she ended it with her girlfriend, would you pursue her?

Thanks a lot for your feedback, I just needed an objective perspective and you have given me that. I am very aware of all the issues you guys have raised and I don't expect anything more to happen - I don't want to deliberately deceive or hurt other people. I just needed to know if I was crazy for wondering if this was more than just a normal friendship. Yes it is difficult but I think I can be realistic. Thanks!

I think you should tell her how you feel and she how she reacts..

After all you could end up being with her and having the best moments of your life.. why should you miss that?

* see (how she reacts)...

I think you might be a little confused, I've felt this way before with a Spanish friend of mine. Maybe there's something missing in your relationship, and you're so confused, or maybe so tired of it, that you're looking for a scape, something to rely on. Talk to your partner, try to see where things are going wrong.