I have never had the courage of dumping someone and I I don't think I'll ever do so unless I am in an abusive and life threatening relationship which has never been the case thanks be 2 God

Most of the posts on this forum are about dumpees and how to deal with the pain.. but what about dumpers?. how does it go for them.. I read somewhere that at some point dumpers have to deal with guilt.. in all my breakups, dumpers have cried while leaving? What's that about?

How does it feel to get into a new relationship after having dumped someone.. Have you ever regretted dumping someone?. What's the cycle of dumpers after having dumped someone?

Would be glad to have as many answers as possible..

Great question ballybee,

Will be so interested in the responses.

Yeah great question, I have never dumped anyone either so cannot respond ;-)

I guess, if someone dumps someone else, it has to be basically because there's no more love on the table to sustain a relationship based on care of each other and joy.

I suposs that when you dump someone, you have to be sincere about the feelings you have or don't have anymore, and if the case presents, explain why those feeling go away.

I guess when you are honest with yourself and honest with someone who shared a love with you, the post dump process while pass without much or any guilt at all. Those situations of guilt came when we use the famous break up lines "Sorry, it's not you, it's me" or something, letting the other person hang on a fake hope or a confused stage of "what happened to us?".

Be honest, be subtle but honest, and both will do their emotinal analisis on their own and with the help of some time, we will move on..

OK then
can I ask u why you are asking this Q?
it only mean that you are a dumper,,
u say why it all about dumpees... coz they really the once who got hurt
because when u dump someone means that u don't want him or her in your life..
and you are done...
why to feel bad then,
in other wise some people do that cz the relation z not healthy for them both
so if he or she didn't do that it will hurt them both badly
so it will be the best for them
hope I did something good here...

Hurty,

Thanks for your opinion.. I thought I wrote I have never had the courage to dump some one and indeed I have never done it. In fact it actually appears that I will be a constant subscriber on the dumpees column...

However it is still wonder what happens on the other side because I am a firm believer that it is not the lack of sparks people call by some "love" that should drive someone to dump the loved one since these come and goes as the relationship evolves but some more fundamental reasons... this has been unfortunately the case for me.. so I have good reasons to ask myself what could have happened and what is happening now..

Hope I answered your question

There must be a million reasons someone wants to dump someone else, they may want to be single again as they no longer find being in a relationship a joy and even though they may still have feelings for their partner and the sparks are still firing, there may be too many bad things about being in the relationship for them to deal with.

It can be really difficult sometimes being the dumper, I imagine that the reason some dumpers cry when doing the dumping is due to to them having to hurt someone that they still care for. In a way, I suppose in a funny way the dumpee should be happy that the dumper is upset about the dumping as at least it shows that they still care. Imagine the worst thing for a dumpee is when a dumper flatly informs them with no emotion in a matter of fact way that they're dumped.

In response to your questions ballybee it doesn't really feel any different when you compare starting a new relationship with starting a new relationship after dumping someone. Unless of course you jump straight from one relationship to another. I've got no experience of this as I always seem to have a period of between 1-4 months (normally depending upon the length of relationship I was in) between relationships.

Nope never regretted dumping anyone, imagine I like most people would have thought it through enough to 'know'/'convince themselves' that they are doing the right thing.

Cycle of the dumper, is pretty much the same as the dumpee with the exception that the dumper doesn't have to deal with the rejection of being dumped. So will probably be able to get over the break up better, but might as a result of being the dumper feel a bit guilty and bad about the fact that they have hurt someone they care or cared for. That's unless of course they're an inconsiderate selfish **** who doesn't care atall.

I've been on the giving and receiving end and the trickiest thing when doing the dumping is whether to be completely honest or not.

For example, I've never been in this situation but if I had met someone else, cheated on my girlfriend and wanted to leave her, what do you say. Do you tell them the truth, or do you give another reason. Obviously, If you cheat on your girlfriend then your either an ***hole, or there is something wrong in your relationship, actually change that 'or' on the last line to 'and'. So you could dump them and say 'you've met someone else' or instead ' say something isn't right in the relationship and your not happy'. Giving the 2nd reason behind the split, it's not a lie, your just not telling her the whole story to protect her feelings. I suppose this is a situation where your honest and at the same time subtle to let him/her down easilly.

This I suppose you could call an extreme case, but I recently got dumped and got given the "the spark is gone line", which was pretty harsh, made me thing: she no longer fancies me? She's discovered something about me that she doesn't like? In a way I would have preferred a "sorry it's not you, it's me line" or "I just don't think I can be in a relationship at the moment". But looking back, I suppose I should I'm glad she was honest and left no doubt in my mind.

Maybe dumpers dump people in this way (the sorry it's not you it's me line) because of their experiences as a dumpee, and only do it to protect the other persons feelings but inadvertently end up leaving the other partner on a fake hope or confused stage as guy29 mentioned above when they should just be honest in a subtle way so that this is avoided.

Liking the ammout of d's going into this post - dumper, dumpee and dumped, could be a film staring adam sandler.

It can be really difficult sometimes being the dumper, I imagine that the reason some dumpers cry when doing the dumping is due to to them having to hurt someone that they still care for. In a way, I suppose in a funny way the dumpee should be happy that the dumper is upset about the dumping as at least it shows that they still care. Imagine the worst thing for a dumpee is when a dumper flatly informs them with no emotion in a matter of fact way that they're dumped.



That happened to me. When my ex told me at first over the phone, she was so matter of fact about it. Few things in my life hurt as much as her saying that in that way. I didn't know whether to just cry or fly into a rage (BTW, I did neither). When I saw her later that day, all of that attitude was gone, replaced by a heavy sense of guilt (I point blank asked her about what she was feeling, listing guilt by name, she nodded). I know her enough to know that the attitude over the phone was just an act, to force herself to do something she was unsure she wanted to do.

The "old" me swore to himself that he would never dump anyone, for any reason, as he wouldn't want to be dumped. But it isn't that simple. If your SO wants out, they want out for a reason that makes sense to them. It really doesn't matter if it makes sense for you. You can either try to force them to stay with you, which will breed resentment in a hurry, or let them go and sort themselves out. If you really love the other person, the choice is obvious.

I have no insight on how the dumper's mind works, but if they really loved and cared about you, they're hurting just as much as you are (maybe longer, as they have been thinking about this for some time, while you were oblivious).

I thought that these two quotes from Tal might help with this thread taken from one of my previous threads..

They are both about the dumper having a headstart in the grieving process.



The one making the break has a clear advantage of having longer to accept the relationship is over and their mind has been made up to move on. Most times they have had the time to plan the next move or diversion. The other person is caught by surprise , usually goes into shock and wonders what he/she did wrong.

And..


First remember that when break-ups occur, the person that initiates the break-up has such a head start in the healing game that they are not in the same same shock you are and have had a lot more time to accept this break-up and move on. Many times they have not invested emotionally the way you have either and are actually glad to be free of you, and have been looking around for some time. They don't have the emotional baggage that you carry and while you grieve, they are well down the road to the next relationship. In most cases, not all, they have nothing to heal from, since they're hearts weren't ripped out and thier minds were made up already. Hope this puts things in better perspective for you.


My ex cried after she broke up with me, although I did not see it, her mum told me shortly after and I know she did because I could see she was about to when I saw her face to face. She did not want to show me she cared though thereby prolonging the agony. Sh ehad also done it twice before and she called me up crying a week later. Quite a pattern but she was young and not ready for the kind of relationship we both had.

The dumper does have to deal with guilt, especially if they care for the person they are dumping. It does take a lot of courage to be the dumper (I would say) and especially doing it face to face which is the mature and correct way of doing it. My ex told me over the phone. I had to practically plead with her to tell me to my face... I don't agree with doing it over the phone at all, very cowardly and immature, especially after a serious, long term relationship.

When you dump someone after a short period, it is much easier because you are dealing with a less serious relationship. Sure there will be hurt but the more time and emotions invested in a relationship will determine how hard dumping someone will be.

It is true that being the dumpee is the hardest position to play on this board but I do firmly believe that it is also hard for the dumper, but they tend to have a distinct advantage in the process as described in the quotes from Tal above.

I guess you're right Geoff.. I knew break-up was underway in my last relationship and in fact I was trying to fight it instead of dealing with it.. on my ex side I got all the clues and I was just waited for the bomb to drop after I last saw him.. he couldn't even do it over the phone and had to write it... I'm glad I learnt a lot from it... it's tough to be the dumpee.. since you're emotions are restrained and you can't enjoy the same closeness you had but I'd rather be that than dealing with any kind of guilt.. especially if the person was correct with me, gave 100% to the relation and have a clear conscience.. (I guess this applies in mature relations-- late 20s or in 30's)

ballybee,

That's a good question. Firstly, I would suggest dropping the word "dump" from you vocabulary and think more along the lines of ending a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship. Relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons. And I think it is better to find out early on if the relationship is going to work or not, rather than find out five maybe ten years down the road where perhaps there are children involved.

The secret is to think ahead... Where do you see the relationship going? Can you see children in your future with this person? Do you see a happy relationship (keeping in mind that we can't be happy all the time) or do you see a relationship fraught with problems?

Ending a relationship:

http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/simplepsych/ending.html

i knew break-up was underway in my last relationship and in fact i was trying to fight it instead of dealing with it.. on my ex side i got all the clues and i was just waited for the bomb to drop after i last saw him

Sometimes we ignore the warning signs (although are subconsciously aware of them) because we do not want to face up to the fact that there are problems and that the relationship is reaching it's expiry date (so to speak).

Next time, you will probably be better prepared for this kind of situation and not only will you recognise the early warning signs, but you will be in a better position to act on them too.

Thank you bluerose,

I did actually think about the terminology but in the end.. I guess I chose those works to shorten the sentence.. I will try to use "ending a relationship next time"... I liked your post and the questions that you raised... which do apply in my particular case... the trouble is I have dated few but great guys.. even my first one... and all of them were meaningful and very enriching... and I do know it was the same on the other side... and how hard it must have been to "end an relationship with someone"

I guess that's why I raised this question

p.s I do hope this avatar is truly you.. it inspires wisdom and I do hope we learn more from you :) nevertheless great post

<<Next time, you will probably be better prepared for this kind of situation and not only will you recognise the early warning signs, but you will be in a better position to act on them too.>>
I'm not so sure there are always warning signs... well mine came from nowhere and there was absolutely no warning signs, from him wanting to get married this year,and the week before him talking about where we would retire, The warning signs just happened 2 days prior when I didn't get my daily I love you and I felt something was a bit odd!

That's me, the wee Scottish woman in the blue dress. Lol

I would just like to add this -

If you are willing to learn from every relationship you find yourself in then your time is never wasted, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

Rol,

You can't believehow I tried to make it right.. failed to turn things around.. looked for a divine intervention... coz I felt my ex seemed so right for me... and even when we broke up he told me.. I was hoping you could say something, do something to make things right.. but hey.. I thought 2 myself.. it's not a one person thing to save the titanic... if it is only about feelings I trust I will have a rationale explanation at some point on how we go there

I really and truthfully appreciated my last relationship because there was communication and all the way I knew what was the status of our relationship.. and I reckon this is why I do not have a hard time in my grieving process.. although I still ask myself questions that I post over here and try to get some answers...

Rol, I can imagine how hard it must have been especially if you had it all planned for a marriage.. I guess he succumbed to a last minute committmentphobia.. however I find it difficult as well to understand how you can go this far in a relationship and end it in such a way...

There's not always warning signs. My youngest sister's hubby of six years walk in from work one day, packed a bag and told her he was leaving. Said he had met someone else and thought it best to do this right away. He chose Christmas time to do it! She was devastated. Turns out he had met someone else and had been trying to get up the courage to tell her. So he blurts it out and runs, very brave.

With hubby and I, after twenty years of marriage and being through a lot together - he was a soldier, stationed in Northern Ireland on and off in the 70s, he was shot in 76 and almost blown up in 79, - struggled for five years trying to keep things going, then just sat down one night and talked things over and decided to divorce. All very amicably. In fact divorced since 91 and we had dinner on Sunday. He's around a lot and helps a lot with the young grandson I have living with me.

No matter how bad it gets try to remember the good time and the love you had for each other, respect each other and simply let go. Life is too short.

<<Next time, you will probably be better prepared for this kind of situation and not only will you recognise the early warning signs, but you will be in a better position to act on them too.>>
im not so sure there are always warning signs...well mine came from nowhere and there was absolutely no warning signs, from him wanting to get married this year,and the week before him talking about where we would retire, The warning signs just happened 2 days prior when i didnt get my daily i love you and i felt something was a bit odd!


I think perhaps I was talking from my point of view, on reflection of my recent experience. The warning signs I was foolish enough to ignore or not face up to (can't work out which :confused:... is there a difference?). The fact that she said on a couple of occasions that she missed her single life. Warning signs painted all over...

Yes, it's true, the warning signs are perhaps not always there but when they are, they seem more brighter and easier to see once the relationship has ended and you have had sufficient time to reflect on them..

You also choose to open your eyes to them after the break-up and accept that they were there.

Did I get it right?. rol.. who ended the relationship.. him or you?

Hi ballybee, yeah u got it right.he ended it.

I have experienced both and it's a difficult journey either way. For those who leave, it has the added burden of being the one who authored the ending. Rarely is it as mutual as Bluerose's ending. Sometimes we judge the one who leaves unfairly, making them out to be monsters in our pain of being left. But they are not. They are experiencing the painful loss of a relationship too and people tend to forget that. If they are wise, they allow themselves time to grieve. If not then they will likely pay for it in their next relationship or the one after that just like anyone would. Their rebound relationships don't work out either, you know. Leaving one person for another is exactly that, a rebound and I see those almost never work out. And the stats when marriage is involved show that this is why second marriages fail at a much higher rate too.

Leaving is hard to do. And granted, many do it badly. But one thing is certain, they usually knew about it long before who is left did so they are often further down the recovery path. They look indifferent to us when how else are they to be really if it is indeed over? Just as you get to see a side of them you didn't want, so do they about you -- that hurt side they know they created. Guilt makes a lot of them wear amor that is mistaken for other things, I think. It is a loss for both people and grief is grief -- more in common than not... whether you leave or get left.

I saw what you did write and its all true
Because evry one of us have there own opinion in that
But I'm still stick on that the once who get hurt the most is dumpees
Maybe sometimes dumpers be in a really bad stuaion and they have to do that..
But why feel the guilt when you do this its like you want to get rid of someone..
Or you are not intrested in him or her anymore,
I think I can't 4give someone for doing that its really hard you know..
Dumping someone... daaaa
U where everything in some1`s life and in a moment you just distroy his or her life...
Do you think that there is any way to 4give..?
I don't know but I don't think I can deal with this...
:confused: :confused:

Valinors_sorrow,


"Rarely is it as mutual as Bluerose's ending."

True but with a little thought and consideration on both sides it could possibly be a lot less painful than most of the endings seem to be.

Both do experience the end of the relationship, no matter who ended it. And a time for recovery is needed. No jumping into a new relationship, it never works. Too much stuff to work through first. And every reason to stay as positive as you can about the relationship you just left as well as your next relationship - don't take any excess luggage along with you.

Between relationships, work through what needs to be worked through, return what needs to be returned in one fare swoop. Don't let things drag on because s/he wants stuff back that they gave you. Let them have it, do you really need to be reminded of them. Move on. Get out with lots of friends, get a new perspective on things before entertaining the thought of a new relationship.

Don’t let things drag on because s/he wants stuff back that they gave you. Let them have it, do you really need to be reminded of them.

My ex gave back a video game system I let her borrow, that was how we last each other for the last time. However, I gave her stuff that really exemplified how I felt about her, and made me happy when she said she loved them. If she ever tried to return them, I would shut the door in her face. If you don't want them, fine, but don't give it back to me. I'd rather you throw it out and me not even know you did.

"like taking candy from a baby" but in a different way..
If you walked up to a baby that was really enjoying its candy.. and you took it... think about how guilty you would feel? Think about how even though in the end you got what you wanted... you took something away from someone who at the time was so dependent on its sweetness.
Luckily relationships are much more complex than candy and a lot of contributing factors can make it harder or easier on the dumper.
Going into another relationship after you've dumped someone.. it depends on the reason you dumped them, how long between relationships and all that, for example it would be worse breaking up with someone you had been with for a long time because you didn't love them anymore and then going out with someone a week later...
There's always guilt, there's always remorse.. but more often than not people will stick with their decisions.
Once someone has made a really hard decision, they won't easily go back on it, because so much time and stress has been spent on the answer to their decision that they don't want to go through all of it again.
I hope this answered your questions..

My ex told me in person, he cried and said he had cried for 2 nights thinking about it, and hadn't been eating. When he started crying after he told me, he seemed annoyed at himself and said 'I thought I had done my grieving'. So, it does show you, they seem to to be ahead of the dumpee. I look back and there were signs, and I did ask him if he didn't find me attractive, anymore etc etc. It hurts when you can see someone getting distant, and some of things he said to me at the end really hurt. I am talking about wee things like what he saw as my faults. He also said 'I gave you a few chances', gee thanks a lot! Chances? What type of chances? Etc

I must admit I have been the one that has been hurt quite a lot. I don't like hurting people. I did phone a guy once and tell him I didn't want to see him anymore, but I had found out he was lying to me about things, like his age etc. We had only been going out for a few weeks.

i saw what u did write and its all true
coz evry one of us have there own opinion in that
but im still stick on that the once who get hurt the most is dumpees
maybe sometimes dumpers be in a really bad stuaion and they have to do that..
but why feel the guilt whn u do this its like u wanna get rid of someone..
or u r not intrested in him or her anymore,,
i think i can't 4give some1 for doing that its really hard u know..
dumping some1....daaaa
u where everything in some1`s life and in a moment u just distroy his or her life ...
do u think that there is any way to 4give ...???
i dont know but i dont think i can deal with this ...
:confused: :confused:
I think you are assuming something about the ones who leave that may not be true Hurty. How emotionally invested someone is in a relationship does indeed vary. And who leaves is not necessarily the less invested one. I left someone who was less invested than I was and for that very reason too. He took my ending it much better than I did LOL And it should be noted that just because YOU are invested in the relationship does not mean the other person is obligated to match that in any way - a big mistake we often make in our youth that we don't discover until the break up.

If it doesn't hurt when it ends for both people then it wasn't a very emotionally deep relationship, which is fine too. Just don't mistake your ex when they look all not hurting and such as someone who wasn't invested -- they just might not be willing to show you how really hurt they are, which is okay. And if after you hear they want out, you continue to seek deep emotional connection with them by showing them how hurt you are and seeking consoling, you are only asking for more hurt that really shouldn't be blamed on them, okay? Generally speaking, its not their obligation to console you since they have their own hurt to deal with -- that's what your friends and family are for. I hope that clears a few things up.

PS - It would be a lot easier to read your posts Hurty if they weren't written in txt speak? Just a suggestion!

Good points.. they do match my observations in the cases that I have seen


I think you are assuming something about the ones who leave that may not be true Hurty. How emotionally invested someone is in a relationship does indeed vary. And who leaves is not necessarily the less invested one. I left someone who was less invested than I was and for that very reason too. And it should be noted that just because YOU are invested in the relationship does not mean the other person is obligated to match that in any way - a big mistake we often make in our youth.

If it doesn't hurt when it ends for both people then it wasn't a very emotionally deep relationship, which is fine too. Just don't mistake your ex when they look all not hurting and such as someone who wasn't invested -- they may not be willing to show you how hurt they were. And if after you hear they want out, you continue to seek deep emotional connection with them by showing them how hurt you are and seeking consoling, you are only asking for more hurt that really shouldn't be blamed on them, okay? Generally speaking, its not their obligation to console you since they have their own hurt to deal with -- that's what friends and family are for. I hope that clears a few things up.

PS - It would be a lot easier to read your posts Hurty if they weren't written in txt speak? Just a suggestion!

I seriously doubt that most "dumpers" feel guilty about it or regret it. How they go about getting into new relationships has a lot to do with why they "dumped" their previous "love interest." I think that, in most cases, the relationship was unbalanced and the dumper just didn't feel the same way as the dumpee and wasn't ever inclined to invest as much into the relationship. Sooner or later, they decide they've had enough and end the relationship. Much to the chagrin of the dumpee. Perhaps there was some initial interest there but then the dumper felt that they really weren't all that compatible after all. Also, quite often, the dumpee had been too needy and clingy and put way too much importance in the relationship and the dumper. This scares the dumper off and is a key factor in his/her decision to end the relationship.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I cried it hurt me seeing my ex cry. I have no question that he loves me but he is emotionally unstable, and abusive and very insecure. I had known for the past year that this day would come. I kept putting it off and avoiding the situation because I don't want to hurt him... I still care about him a lot. I realized though that the longer you keep avoiding dumping someone the harder it gets and the more attached you get. It sucks... :( I will always care for him deeply.

But what about ex's that want to come back, or yo-yo relationships?

How can those be explained from the dumper's point of view? I recently have had this happen to me when my ex wanted to come back... 3 times. Then, she again would say that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, and back out.

What is the purpose of this, according to the ex girlfriends point of view?

I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do....I cried it hurt me seeing my ex cry. I have no question that he loves me but he is emotionally unstable, and abusive and very insecure. I had known for the past year that this day would come. I kept putting it off and avoiding the situation because I don't want to hurt him....I still care about him a lot. I realized though that the longer you keep avoiding dumping someone the harder it gets and the more attached you get. It sucks.....:( I will always care for him deeply.

if u care for someone you don't have any reason why to leave him... it doesn't make sense at all... I have been in the place of your boyfriend 50 days ago... it was hard for me to get dumped after 3 years from a girl who I loved and respected so much... she dumped me exactly at the moment I needed her more and the reason was because she didn't love me anymore.and she found out this after 3 years!! Unbelievable!! If you want to read my story click under my name... do you know what I feel about her now?? I just hate her more than anyone else in the world and my hate is growing everyday more... and if she phones me one day she will just make things worse for herself... my advice for the dumped persons is : it is time to start thinking and caring about yourself. Don't care for a person who hurt you so much. Don't undervalue yourself... Dont blame yourself for the mistakes of the others.. remember smth :God delays his punishment but never forgets about it... believe it took me just 50 days to convince myself that she wasn't a princess ,like I always called her... dont wait anymore... start moving on

I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do....I cried it hurt me seeing my ex cry. I have no question that he loves me but he is emotionally unstable, and abusive and very insecure. I had known for the past year that this day would come. I kept putting it off and avoiding the situation because I don't want to hurt him....I still care about him a lot. I realized though that the longer you keep avoiding dumping someone the harder it gets and the more attached you get. It sucks.....:( I will always care for him deeply.

Go and find a heart girl because you don't have one

if u care for someone you dont have any reason why to leave him...it doesnt make sense at all...i have been in the place of your boyfriend 50 days ago....it was hard for me to get dumped after 3 years from a girl who i loved and respected so much...she dumped me exactly at the moment i needed her more and the reason was because she didnt love me anymore.and she found out this after 3 years!!! unbelievable!!! if you want to read my story click under my name....do you know what i feel about her now??? i just hate her more than anyone else in the world and my hate is growing everyday more...and if she phones me one day she will just make things worse for herself...my advice for the dumped persons is : it is time to start thinking and caring about yourself. dont care for a person who hurt you so much. dont undervalue yourself...Dont blame yourself for the mistakes of the others.. remember smth :God delays his punishment but never forgets about it....believe it took me just 50 days to convince myself that she wasnt a princess ,like i always called her...dont wait anymore...start moving on

I called her princess too! What a way to waste such a sweet nickname. From now on, any girl Im with will have to earn their nicknames ;)

Anyway, I think you shouldn't hate someone for changes in their feelings. She lost feelings and instead of working on getting them back she chose to dump you. Is this unfair and painful? Yes. Will it be better for you both in the end? Maybe! I am sure that when you are done healing you won't hate her, you just won't care. She might have made a mistake sure--but she is young and dealing with her feelings must have been difficult. She thought it would be better to dump you and move on. Maybe she made a mistake, maybe she didn't but you can't blame her for it. All you can do is find what you did wrong--if you did--and let go of your emotions so you can focus them on someone that will deserve them one day. Hell maybe one day you will be glad she dumped you because it led you to meet the TRUE love of your life.

I called her princess too! What a way to waste such a sweet nickname. From now on, any girl Im with will have to earn their nicknames ;)

Anyway, I think you shouldn't hate someone for changes in their feelings. She lost feelings and instead of working on getting them back she chose to dump you. Is this unfair and painful? Yes. Will it be better for you both in the end? Maybe!! I am sure that when you are done healing you won't hate her, you just won't care. She might have made a mistake sure--but she is young and dealing with her feelings must have been difficult. She thought it would be better to dump you and move on. Maybe she made a mistake, maybe she didn't but you can't blame her for it. All you can do is find what you did wrong--if you did--and let go of your emotions so you can focus them on someone that will deserve them one day. Hell maybe one day you will be glad she dumped you because it led you to meet the TRUE love of your life.

Better say: what a way to waste so much time with a person and finally get dumped :D
But that's life. If I would use the time that I spent thinking for her thinking for myself, maybe today I would have become a scientist :D . Too much headache for nothing. This worries me more. And she wasn't a teenager. She was 24. Just stupid.

Screw my ex the cheat. I do hope She has guilt Nd it's eating her up inside.

Generally speaking, its not their obligation to console you since they have their own hurt to deal with -- that's what your friends and family are for. I hope that clears a few things up.


I agree that this might be the general case, but with me, it didn't work that way. The first few weeks after we broke up I established an NC because I knew anything from her would create hope and we all know how that goes... but after some time, she came to speak to me to see how I was... and I have to say she actually helped me by being on one hand a friend for me and listening to my attempts at being single again but also making it clear to me that she wasn't going to be more than a friend, not giving false hopes.

Yes, the break-up was awfully painful for me, but I think she felt as bad as I did, just that she felt it way before...

It was kind of funny when I think about it because when we started talking about how weird things have been in the last month of our relationship, she didn't have the feeling anymore and I was the only one in her family/friends circle supporting her in the decision to break up... she was saying things like "but four years is a lot to throw away" while I was saying things like "if you aren't happy with way things are and you can't put any effort into loving me again, then there isn't much point to it... I could hold on but you're the one suffering... breaking up is probably the best for both of us". But when she actually decided to break up, then it all hit me and I was the one suffering... and then a few weeks later, she was helping me to cope with it...

So in a way, we were supportive of each other through the break up. I never expected that from her, but it just happened that way.