I would appreciate your advice on my problem.
My husband & I have been married for 14 years and have 3 kids. The first few years of our marriage were very difficult as my husband had a cocaine & alcohol addiction & was unfaithful, using prostitutes when he was high. I’m not sure how I survived this time, I was very young & with 2 babies born within the first 20 months of our marriage was very scared & insecure. I had a huge fear of being a single mother and also thought somehow I deserved my predicament. I guess I also loved my husband & wanted to believe his constant promises to change. I had no one to talk to, so kept our situation a big secret from everyone.
Anyway, eventually my husband did change. One night, in a drunk & drugged state, he punched me in the eye, causing me to have stitches. I had a vision that if we went on like this he might eventually kill me & that prompted me to ring a lawyer & seek advice on divorce. This time my husband seemed to realise I was serious & when he made all the usual teary apologies & promises he backed them up by throwing out all alcohol & drugs from the house. For 7 years my husband drank no alcohol & took no drugs, miraculously turning into the perfect husband & father.
Then a couple of years ago he started to have the odd drink, not much, just a glass, but it terrified me. This was followed by the odd ecstasy tablet & smoke of grass. He’s now drinking every day – sometimes far too much, sometimes hidden & is smoking grass every night. I have told him my concerns for him & our family openly & he admits he has a big problem. He promises to stop, but drinks again the next day. Last week when we took what was supposed to be a romantic trip to the country for 2 nights he became very drunk & abusive towards me. While I was driving on a country road he demanded to be let out of the car & then opened the door to throw himself out. He told me he never wanted to see me again & caught a train home that night. The next day, as usual, he was extremely sorry, giving me flowers begging forgiveness.

Lately my husband has been talking about moving us to Italy, where we have a house. He says he is very stressed here & homesick. He feels like this city is killing him and wants to take time out for at least a few years. Although I love Italy, neither myself or my girls can speak Italian & I feel apprehensive.

Yesterday while cleaning out the garage I found a cupboard to be nailed shut in 4 places. I opened it and found a huge stash of pornography dvds. While I’ve known my husband liked to watch porno I feel so stupid to have believed his recent statement that he had thrown everything away. I’ve told my husband that his watching of porn makes me feel insecure, self conscious and unhappy & that I was afraid our children might find them – (my youngest daughter did find one tape with explicit pictures on the cover last year). After finding these new dvds I looked elsewhere in the house & found another huge stash, altogether over 100. I kept this myself for a day, but today had to discuss my ‘find’ with him. He became very angry & defensive, accused me of spying, said he never watched them- doesn’t know where or when he purchased them & is sick to death of me finding fault with him. (By the way I never, ever bring up the past as he becomes aggressive if I even discuss an argument of the previous week). I told him more than finding the porn, it’s the secrets & lies that hurt me. He answered our relationship is now over, he can’t talk with me, it’s normal for men to watch porno & that I’m the one with the problem etc etc….
Although reading this my husband sounds extremely bad, he is actually quite loving & is extremely devoted to our kids.
I’m so confused, tired and upset. I can hardly breath just typing this out.

Et me see he is angry, defensive, he has attacked you, he still uses illegal drugs and drinks,

And you are still making excuses for him.

It sounds like he wants to move you to a place you know no one, and he will have complete control.

And I will sound hurtful, but I doubt anything anyone will say will make any difference, abused women ( physcially and emotion abuse) just keep making excuses for their husbands.

I'll bet you feel as though you truly love him and accept him for who he is and what he does, because you thnk you don't deserve any better, but you do. Your children do. This is NOT a good environment for them or you, either.

He will never change, the abuse will never quit, and years from now you will be convincing yourself that he isn't perfect, and that the things he does to you will pass. Right now, you are headed on that downward spiral, its very tough to come out of. I am a mother who has been through what your children are going through right now, it is important that you make an example and show them that the things he is doing are not right at all, so that they do not end up with someone like him and suffer as you have already.

He is wrong. VERY wrong.

Wow, this is a tough deal for you right now. I think some solid understanding is needed so you can find a place to stand after having such a huge rug pulled out from under you. Catch your breath and listen. While your husband isn't a monster, he is clearly not who you thought he was. What I see and hear from him is what is called in the recovery industry "his disease talking." Until he gets himself clean, sober and honest -- he will not only not be the man you thought he was but he isn't functional husband and father material. He is simply too sick. And that is how you need to view him, as sick like someone with cancer. Please call a screeching halt to moving anywhere just now. He is attempting what is known as a geographical cure and they don't work - which is where the alkie or addict says "Its all this place's fault, I wouldn't be using/drinking if I moved to XYZ country." Its just more running away from himself. You have far better resources here, wherever that is, than in a country that you don't speak the language. Before you are in the clear, you'll be needing resources starting with finding AA or NA in your community. Talk to them. Find out what is available in the way of detox or treatment. Offer this information to your husband and assure him that you are prepared to stand by him as long as he is seeking recovery. If he chooses not to then you need to make separate arrangements for you and your kids because this tends to only get worse from here. I am so sorry. One thing at a time. Find AA or his doctor and call them. And breathe. It will eventually be okay again, you'll see.

Thank you

props to all the above posts.

my sister-in-law is going through a divorce that is turning ugly. She has been married at least 8 years, 2 kids. The husband (my wife's brother) is simply an addict. Money, gambling, drugs, sex... not all of them at once, but one addiction is enough to periodically tear his world apart. Then he eventually moves on to another addiction until that ruins whatever he has built back up. It is so sad.

if you described a scenario to most people, they would come up with possible answers A, B, C and D... he always chooses W... the thing that nobody ever would have even imagined.

I'm not going to pretend to understand destructive addictions on a broad basis... but I can tell you that your concerns are real, given my experience with my brother and sister in law.

two years ago the "magic plan" was to move to Hawaii. He had a possible track on a business there... and he IS really talented in so many ways... so they sold all of their belongings planning to go... of course it fell through. Now they have been living in a delapitated trailer with no insurance and almost evicted twice... this from a guy who can and has pulled in over 80,000 when he has it together.

the thing that bothered me most about the Hawaii move was that there was no plan if it didn't work out. In some ways, the fact they didn't get over there may have been a blessing. So my point, sorry for rambling, is IF you do consider going, have a backup plan... as in have the means and a plan to be able to come back. Your finances sound stronger than my in laws, but she was about to move to a place with no support and no real ability to get back across the ocean if things took a turn for the worse.

so
1) running to a new place can sometimes give you a new start, but it won't fix any systematic problems that are there and

2) just be sure you don't get trapped there... don't plan for it to fail if you go, but don't get backed into a place you cannot escape from

3) he's lying to you about the porn... I have it but didn't watch it?? Please. I have the drugs but don't use them?. would that EVER fly? I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong for your relationship... I don't need anyone in my bedroom or in my house telling me what is healthy or not... so you need to decide for yourself. Personally (just to make my last statement seem irrelevent) I think the substance abuse is the big concern.

4) how much do you know about your finances? You might need to get more control and more involved if he is running the show.

random thoughts. Sorry so long.

Thanks for all your advice. Some of it very confronting, but exactly what I need. The first 2 emails shocked me as I'd never really thought of myself as 'abused', I'm really quite a strong person most of the time and have tried to fight my husbands addictions. I am getting tired of the fight though. Like KP's brother-in-law, my husband seems to have the classic addictive personality. I know he's got issues from his past he's very bitter about, & likely contribute. He's from a well-off, but unloving family that sent him away at 17 when he got a girlfriend pregnant. Here I am making excuses for him, but I can't help but look for the reasons...
The addictions are less severe than they were early on in our marriage, but he obviously can't cure himself. Tomorrow when things have calmed down I will approach him about AA and counseling for both of us.
As wonderful as an extended holiday in Italy would be, I agree it's a case of the "geographical cure" for him. Early on in our marriage we moved to Tasmania for a year on his whim that there he could escape his demons, and although he behaved there, he merely flew back home weekly to indulge in his "other life" of sex, drugs & alcohol.
Like KP's brother-in-law, he's very talented & owns restaurant businesses, which cause quite a lot of stress & are obviously a very bad environment for an alcoholic.
The kids adore their father, as he does everything for them. They can't remember the really bad stuff from early on, but know he drinks too much, and tell him to stop. Luckily, they don't really see the bigger arguments we might have - and just ignore it when they notice their father has moved onto a different floor of the house and is not speaking to me.
I've thought about counseling before & even gotten him to agree to attend after a crises. But then we've never followed through, we've patched things up somehow & packed all bad thoughts away. Finding all that porn seemed to just bring back all the pain from years ago I never dealt with.
This forum is the first time I've been able to 'speak' to someone else of our problems, and even before I read your posts I feel I had made a huge step in just writing down my story. It's somehow much more real now and hopefully I won't be able to deny the truth to myself in the morning like I often do.

Collemagio - You've taken some really big bites of reality here and chewed them up pretty well. That is very good indeed. You are tired of the fight because you are in it alone. And to some degree it's the wrong fight. I hope in you calling AA, someone there will point you in the direction of Al-Anon, the spin off from AA that helps famliy and friends of alcoholics. It is there you will meet people just like yourself who can help you learn about the disease and its far reaching effects-- yes everyone is affected by the craziness. You will discover enabling (making excuses, trying to solve it for them and repeatedly saving them from themselves) and other things you might have been doing that tend to fuel the problem and be given great tools to solve instead. And the really good news is you and your children can live in recovery whether he does or not. You really can.

The bottom line is he has to choose whether he does or not. He has to work his program, as we say. But having known literally thousands of sober alcoholics, let me tell you that it is possible for anyone, anywhere, in any profession, with a supportive family or lack of, in any health condition, with or without good finances, etc. to find a way to live happy, joyous and free. I think you get my point there.

AA will offer him help, if he wants it. I hope he does.