Hi there. Here goes..
I was with this amazing girl for two years.. We had all our firsts together, and I *am* madly in love with her. We used to see each other every day (we were in the same school) and we were deeply in love but we started falling apart at the beginning of last summer, after senior year.
We broke up in June (but still hooked up on some days until she finally decided that what we were doing wasn't right) but got back together again in August after she saw me flirt with another girl, and said she didn't want me to forget her.
So we went off to university together, she is staying in a town 45 minutes away from me, and we met at each of our flats a couple of times. But our sexual life was strained (she had some issues with pain and not being able to climax - don't know if it's relevant.. ), and there was some fighting and a lot of jealousy going around on my part (did she meet someone else? Was she looking for someone who would be better than me?).
Then I cracked and broke up with her after starting to feel like she didn't appreciate me anymore (she had asked me to take cooking lessons alone from some guy who lived next door to her and whom I'd NEVER met - I said no and she got VERY angry.. I then asked her to come to Paris with me in an attempt to fix things and after a lot of excuses such as money - I offerred to pay for our hotel - and missing university, she said "no I'd rather go with my own university" (they are meant to go to sometime this year), and we also exchanged some really bad words as we were fighting), and that was the biggest mistake I ever did in my life.
She doesn't want to be with me anymore, but she still texts me sometimes and starts chatting to me (sending links on YouTube, or telling me jokes, or camming with me). She had to go to the hospital last December and I was the first person she called.. She says she loves me as a person, but we're lacking that "spark/thing".
This January, on a trip we took together to Sweden to see some of our friends, I found out she was chatting to some guy she knows from our hometown, and I got very jealous, and asked her to get back together, but she kept saying no. It all culminated in a really long message I sent her asking if we could start fresh, and take is slow again, and then when she said no, I told her I realized all my mistakes and that I was the reason we got in this crap situation, because I thought she was taking me for granted all the years we were together, but in fact it was me who was taking her for granted, thinking she'd never leave me.
But then, when I stopped asking her, she started texting me every day, and we would end up talking for three or four hours straight, and I was happy, but confused.
Then last week, she suddenly stopped texting me, and I found out that the guy she was chatting to is now in a relationship with another girl. So now she sent a message to some other guy from our home town (Facebook stalking :/ trying to stop.. ) and we haven't really talked a lot in days..
Thing is, two weeks ago, we went to London with some friends, and went to this Scary-place-where-real-people-scare-you-but-you-know-they-cant-hurt-you and she was holding my hand, fingers intertwined, for the whole thing (and a bit longer afterwards) acting like she was really scared. We also went to a Disney store together (she's obsessed) and for a moment it was as if we were a couple again.
I just don't know what to do anymore, she's sending me all these mixed messages, she acts like she wants to be with me, but doesn't want me when I ask her. I've started not to function without her, and I have no idea what to do.. My friends (her friends too, we have shared best friends) all tell me to either try to get over her, and stop paying attention, and if she does want to come back she will, or saying you should talk to her and make her realize that you're the best thing for her.
I consulted this blog that gives out advice for relationships too, and the girl said I should try working on our friendship so that she remembers why she fell in love with me in the first place. Thing is, we *are* friends, and I'm going to be seeing her a whole lot over April (Easter Holidays) and the summer.

I was just wondering if anyone here would like to share their opinion. Thanks in advance guys..

You two broke up because you started falling apart... this happens often with young love, people grow up and change.

You two decided to hook up a few times after you broke up, but she realized this wasn't smart and ended that. However, once she saw you flirting with other girls she decided to wanted you again? It really sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. But where does that leave you?

You guys broke up for a reason, the spark was no longer there. You're not together but you're still trying to control each others lives. You cannot just talk to her and make her realize that you're the best thing for her. Life doesn't work that way, you can't make someone want you.

You need to cut off contact with this girl and move on. Things didn't work out the first time around. Relationships only stand a chance the second time around if you both can clearly identify where things went wrong and how you're going to work together to ensure that it doesn't happen again. It takes a lot of honnesty, open communication and maturity... it doesn't sound like either of you are even close to that point.

You need to cut off contact with this girl and move on. Things didn't work out the first time around. Relationships only stand a chance the second time around if you both can clearly identify where things went wrong and how you're going to work together to ensure that it doesn't happen again. It takes a lot of honnesty, open communication and maturity... it doesn't sound like either of you are even close to that point.

I know what I did wrong, I was too clingy and selfish, and jealous. I also got angry very easily and when I'm angry my voice tends to rise to really high levels without me even noticing.. a.k.a. shouting, and she didn't like it, at all. And the fighting is the reason I believe she drifted away for.

Thing is, after four months of not being with her, I feel like most of those problems have gone away. I haven't shouted in ages, and when I do get angry I don't take it out the way I used to, but instead I just sit down and focus on other things, like drawing and projects for my University. I also feel much more open about the way I'd handle the relationship this time around.. I used to be so clingy I had nearly no personal life, and sometimes I'd even ask her not to hang out with her girl friends just so we could meet up, which I now realize is VERY wrong..
I seriously don't understand why I did those things!

And I don't know why I just explained myself like that.. I guess, I'm asking if anyone knows how I could get her to give me another chance..


Oh, sorry, and as for her.. well, I don't really know how she sees this whole thing apart from when we talked once and she said she might be wrong, but she doesn't see it working out if we tried again (so soon? I'm not sure, she wasn't specific).

She's the kind of girl who leaves everything to chance. When we broke up she said she didn't feel the same way anymore, and that it would take time for her to come back, and she didn't know when that would be. From that, I'm trying to believe that she does want to be with me again, but maybe not so soon?

It's just that, if she did go ahead with some other guy.. It would break my heart, I wouldn't stand seeing them together..

You say you've changed, you realized that you were clingy selfish and jealous. But in January you went away together (not as a couple, but just to see friends) and she started flirting with another guy and you got very mad and jealous and asked her to get back together with you!

You weren't together on that trip, you have no right to get jealous when she flirts with someone else.Actions speak louder than words, you can tell her all you want that you're different now, but your actions say different.

It's great you realized how you used to be and you're working on changing that. But perhaps the reason the relationship ended wasn't just because of your faults. Perhaps she just grew up and no longer wants to be with you. Take these lessons you've learnt and apply them to your next relationship. This girl wants out, she loves you as a person but not as a boyfriend. She's told you many times but you're just not listening.


QUOTE BY ragnanox;
She's the kind of girl who leaves everything to chance. When we broke up she said she didn't feel the same way anymore, and that it would take time for her to come back, and she didn't know when that would be. From that, I'm trying to believe that she does want to be with me again, but maybe not so soon?
This is probably just something she was saying at the time of the breakup to lessen the blow to you. Perhaps one day down the road she will come around and perhaps you can have another go then. But there's a huge chance that will never happen. Life is so short, please don't sit around and wait for something that may never happen.

Well.. It wouldn't make sense if I didn't get jealous when I saw her flirting with someone else, seeing as I still have very strong feelings for her..

And I find it very hard to believe that she would just move on like that. We didn't really break up peacefully, and just a few days before the break up we were amazing!
But there's the fact that we don't live close to each other anymore (compared to seeing each other every day for the past three years) and..
Eh, I don't know anymore :/

When we broke up she said she didn't feel the same way anymore...

Feelings change and they RARELY change back, and they certainly don't change back in short time. I think all signs point to her just not sharing the same feelings as you do for her. While it is hard, it is life. It happens all of the time. I don't think she has any interest in giving this relationship another go.

My advice, continue to work on your school, your anger management and your drawings. Just do things to make yourself better and I suggest not having involvement in her life. She has moved on and I fear you don't see that. She has closed the door as much as she can (relationship wise) without slamming your fingers in it.

Also, the blog that suggests you work on just being friends with her is absolute garbage. Friends don't befriend others for some ulterior motive. Don't just keep her around so you hope she changes her mind. Bottom line: NEVER remain friends with an ex if you can't handle seeing them intimate with another person.

I've always felt the classiest thing a guy can do is respect a woman's wishes, regardless of how it may make us feel in the short term.

Time to let go of the false hope-the writing's on the wall,and you need to start moving on for your own sake.

Her feelings have changed and ,sad as this breakup is for you, you can't force them to come back.

Concentrate on you now,uni,friends and keeping yourself busy doing your own thing.

Most facts point that way, but still, some things she does still indicate the opposite. Like her holding my hand when we were in that dark-scary-thing-place. She's not the kind of person who doesn't think about what she's doing, that's why I fuss over that so much.
Also, during the weeks when she was talking to me every day non-stop, she did things like ask me which of her pictures is cutest, so she could put it up on Facebook, or asked me to take pictures of her while she was camming with me..
She's sending too many mixed messages, and I'm so confused :s

Which is why we are saying no contact, to end the confusion and the overanalyzing of the 'mixed messages'.

No contact isn't possible, it would require me to change friend groups completely, and I don't really want to lose contact with her in case she's only taking a break from this relationship until she can breathe again.
I have erased her from my Skype and MSN Messengers though. I'm not able to send her any messages, but she can, and I do want to be there in an emergency..
Other than that, I'm trying to avoid talking to her too much (even though I have ulterior motives.. :/)

Not to be harsh, but it sounds like she is using you as some sort of emotional void until her shopping spree of potential suitors is over. Stop letting her use you as a crutch. Once she finds another guy, how long do you honestly think she'll continue contacting you?

I.. Don't know. She did keep talking to me though while she was talking to that first guy.. I still think she has some feelings for me, though..

I don't really want to lose contact with her in case she's only taking a break from this relationship until she can breathe again.

Taking a "break" literally means "breaking up" and its just that. She's using you till she finds someone else and at that point she will drop you like a bad habbit. You are then going to feel much much worse as I don't see you as someone that could be friends with her while she's being lovie dovie with someone else, and that is why NC is your only option if you want to heal properly. I was in your shoes not too long ago and didn't want to see the writing on the wall and I ended up going through unnecessary agony. The emotions you are feeling are completely normal. You might feel them for some time but if you continue the false hope you will be crushed 10x worse in the end. Take it from me, get out there and get over her, she's not right for you. No Contact and delete her from Facebook. The stalking thing will also get you in trouble and makes things worse (I know this too)

I don't know else you want us to say. We're all telling you No Contact is the only way, but you're set on that not even being a possibility.

You need to ask yourself: How do you feel now? Miserable? Confused? Alone? How long are you willing to continue wasting your time feeling this way?

She's confused and doesn't know what she wants, if she doesn't know than how on earth are YOU supposed to know? You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out her motives.

You're allowing yourself to continuously get roped back into this mess, she knows that you'll be there for her so whenever she gets lonely she reaches out to you and uses you as a crutch.

Whether you like it, or not she has put you in the friends zone, and that has no escape. Of course your confused because you see every crumb she throws you as a signal she will change her mind, when you have nothing more than her keeping you close, and available, and unable to move on. She loves the attention, and knows how to keep it.

False hope that she will eventually come back, keeps you unable to get beyond her, and see the reality that has you're trapped as her emotional tampon, while she does whatever she pleases. You have become a very well trained pet, obedient, and reliable, and the best ego boost a girl could have.

Only by disappearing from her life completely will you ever be able to see the truth behind her mixed signals, and confusing actions, and stop being used for her needs at the sacrifice of yourself.

Sorry guy, until you get some dignity, and self respect to break her influence on you, you may as well get a dog collar, and learn how to do tricks on command.

You need to move on, and get new friends if you have to, or stay in limbo, and let her do as she pleases until she gets something else to amuse her. Like a real man, who will not be her pet.