Entire story merged to get all the facts

First off I am an african american female. I asked my boyfriend of 9 months. Why he likes me, and he said he didn't know; he just likes me for me. Then he told me to ask him again later. Now he has told me he loves me before, but hardly ever compliments me on my beauty. When we met he always talked about women that he has dated in the past and associated lightskin with beautiful all the time. He would say stuff like " she was lightskin and fine". He also said he didn't want to date lightskin women because they are too much trouble. I asked him about the color issue before, and asked him to stop talking like that as if lightskin was the only beautiful there is. So, he stopped. So far I have seen 2 of his his past gf's and they were both very fair-skinned. I am a brown tone, so that's why I asked why he likes me.
So I'm a little stumped. Does he really think I'm special; or just not too much trouble. I am a little bothered, but I'm not sure if its because of my own insecurities or not. Would like some other opinions, thanks.

Stop over thinking this god.

He is with you yeah? OK.

You know what I tell my girlfriend. I don't date blonds because they are insane.. now my view I love the way the look. They are really sexy to me.. but nearly all the ones I met are just not my typ.
A lot of my Xs are much more (Pretty) than she is?
Does it matter? Not at all
Because I am with her

She has darkhair. And of latin blood and I love her to bits :)

You think she calls me Hair Coloriest? Or tells me to stop.

I'm sure he loves being with you. And yeah you are probable a lot les trouble than the so called lightskins.
But that's not a bad thing.
That's a good thing!

Get off the color horse ;) and get back down to reality and stop feeling so : insecure.

I really think this world has gone way Political correctness mad!

I am a little bothered, but I'm not sure if its because of my own insecurities or not. Would like some other opinions, thanks.
Deal with the insecurities so you can enjoy the guy.

I have been dating & living with this guy for about 8 months. He is financially stable and I am not. I have serious financial problems and he knows it. We got in an argument last night and he again told me that if I want to leave that I can, in the middle of the argument. He said it a few times. I am so hurt by this , and don't know what to do. He knows my situtation and I feel he is using it against me. I want to talk, but I don't feel comfortable trying to talk to someone who has told me that I can leave. I'm 28 and I don't want to go back home to my parents. The only thing available for me is a dingy basement & the embarrassment of being 28 and living at home.

I am really upset over this situation because all of this was mostly over him still talking to his ex- girlfriend. He knows I hate it and he has been doing it since we first got together. That situation caused drama in the beginning. I'm not perfect but there are certain things that I feel that a boyfriend should not do if they care about the person they are with.

I just can't believe how cold he is being to me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any opinions would be appreciated, thanks!

Hello Kia,

I am in the similar situation as yours, but I am a guy... my girl and I were together for 3 yrs, and she just left everything because she still has feelings for her ex and my problems added to the fire and I am going through a hard break up... My sincere advise to you is, talk to him and ask him to be very frank about what he thinks about the relationship. If you compromise and think that things might get better with time, it will only worsen the situation, that's exactly what I did may be, I was afraid to talk to her about her ex and used to get very upset and angry about that issue and even scolded her harshly. All that anger by me, my words, acted against me and she slowly staarted thinking about only the bad things about me, even though I looked after her like an angel.So, its very important that you both sit and talk openly and be very frank to each other and take a good decision. It might be hard for you, but please don't compromise...

I think you need to consider HOW he is talking to his ex-girlfriend. Just to put things into context, he's been with you for 8 months and has been doing this the whole time. Do you have any reason to believe he is being dishonest? Who initiated the break-up?

When we were first dating, I got a phone call from her saying how he was living with her and she just kicked him out, and how he's shady and nasty, and she just found out about me and other women, blah blah...
Basically badmouthing him and calling him a dog.
HE told me that they were together but she was cheating so he didn't say anything and went out & met me. Then he told her he had met me & she got upset. He said he never lived with her; just stayed with her 2-3 times out of the week. He complained to me about how horrible she was for about a month after.

So, since then about 10 months ago, he still calls her. He always has a different excuse( I owe her money, we're not friends, but not enemies, I told her about you, etc.)

My point is if you hate her so much ,and also what she did( calling me & stuff), why are you still talking to her? You know it hurts my feelings, but you continue. He even lied & told me he was going to stop talking to her.

His response is either nothing, or trying to bring up things about me he THINKS I've done & calling me shady for no reason. He also always talks about how he comes home all of the time & he doesn't go out like that, that he's not charging me rent..
But when I see that you are still calling this SAME chick & another chick walked through the door with her own key( another story in itself) , what am I supposed to think?

Now, when we argue he tells me I can go if I want. I yelled at him that I was trying to talk about our relationship, not saying I was leaving. But the fact that he kept saying that has really hit a cord with me; making me feel unwanted altogether...

hey Kia. I'm sorry but this guy really sounds like he could not care less about you

you have told him how you feel about him contacting his X yet he says nothng and does nothing to address your feelings.

He is selfish in this matter. And does not care if you stay or go
why.. because he probable has the X to fall back on if you leave.

If I was you. I would move out. And go to your mom and dads place. Until you get back on your feet
come on. Not all of us are stayble 100% of the time.
and when we are not. We don't need all this crap going on.

reduce the pain and leave him girl.
you have tried talking to him. He does not care
you have tried to be understanding
it does not work.

So you have 3 options
1. stay with him. And put up with all this crap and don't say anything. Because it won't do you no good

3. stay with him because you are scared to be alone

4.Leave him, find your own feet and move on and find someone that will listen to you and gives you the love that you want and need

all the best

Kia you need to put your cards out on the table and have a very open talk with your boyfriend about all the stuff in your post.

It sounds that you maybe with a bit of a player, that he feels he can treat you any way he wants because he knows that you have no place to go.

Family is one of the most important things in our lives and if you have a good relationship with your parents there really is no shame in moving back into there house why you get back on your feet, you just have to rememeber to live by there house rules.

But I really do feel that you need to have a good long talk with this person and makes your moves from that.

When we were first dating, I got a phone call from her saying how he was living with her and she just kicked him out, and how he's shady and nasty, and she just found out about me and other women, blah blah...
Basically badmouthing him and calling him a dog.
HE told me that they were together but she was cheating so he didn't say anything and went out & met me. Then he told her he had met me & she got upset. He said he never lived with her; just stayed with her 2-3 times out of the week. He complained to me about how horrible she was for about a month after.

So, since then about 10 mos ago, he still calls her. He always has a different excuse( I owe her money, we're not friends, but not enemies, I told her about you, etc.)

My point is if you hate her so much ,and also what she did( calling me & stuff), why are you still talking to her? You know it hurts my feelings, but you continue. He even lied & told me he was going to stop talking to her.

His response is either nothing, or trying to bring up things about me he THINKS I've done & calling me shady for no reason. He also always talks about how he comes home all of the time & he doesn't go out like that, that he's not charging me rent..
but when I see that you are still calling this SAME chick & another chick walked through the door with her own key( another story in itself) , what am I supposed to think?!

Now, when we argue he tells me I can go if I want. I yelled at him that I was trying to talk about our relationship, not saying I was leaving. But the fact that he kept saying that has really hit a cord with me; making me feel unwanted altogether...


I don't think this guy knows how to have a healthy relationship and it sounds like you were and still are giving him a lot of benefit of the doubt, perhaps TOO much.

If you are having financial difficulties, maybe you do need to move back home and get yourself back on your feet. Lay low get your life back together, move back out when you can live on your own and not be dependent upon someone else. You have talked yourself into being dependent on this man and you have given away any hand you will ever have in this relationship.

You are letting him treat you as insignificant and you are going to feel that way if you continue to allow him to treat you as such. You need time to focus on you, your life isn't about him.

I don't believe that his relationship with his ex is an issue, but the way he is responding to your concerns is an issue. Not to mention the another women with a key to the apartment issue that you didn't elaborate on. Take care of you.

Would you rather be embarrassed by living at home with your parents, while you regroup, or keep putting up with his crap. It's that simple.

My boyfriend never compliments me on anything. I'm starting to feel insecure about myself. We've been living together for a year, and he has complimented me ( with a little push) only twice. Ive said something about it maybe once, but I don't want to be the woman who seems insecure and needy. But... I do feel it. What should I do?

In his defense, maybe he doesn't realize he is supposed to be doing this. I mean he moved in with you so I assume he must have some pretty deep feelings for you. You say your starting to feel insecure, but that's your problem. He's not putting you down, so how you choose to feel is not dependent upon his kind words.

Can not say it any better then Chuff.

He moved in with you. That is a major sign right there. Positive sign and together for a year.

Let me ask you a question? Do you ever give him any compliments?

I guess not really, but that is because he used o talk about himself a lot in the beginning and kind of say stuff like " don't I look good today?" Or " I am a handsome man aren't I!" That's why even if I think I might want to complment him & I think twice because I feel he already compliments himself in his head enough. So, I've been waiting to here something nice about me, but it never comes. Or the two times it did come I had to ask him first to see if he liked something about my hair, or something fitting on me

because he used o talk about himself alot in the beginning and kind of say stuff like " don't I look good today?" Or " I am a handsome man aren't I!"

Was he joking? Because I say stuff like this all the time.



Thats why even if I think I might want to complment him & I think twice because I feel he already compliments himself in his head enough.

I can't believe I'm going to say this. If he's joking, joke back with him. When he says "do I look good today?" say back to him, "not yet, but the day's not over" or something similar.


So, I've been waiting to here something nice about me, but it never comes. Or the two times it did come I had to ask him first to see if he liked something about my hair, or something fitting on me

So he's like every guy?

If you want him to do this, the only way is to tell him. But even then it doesn't sound like his nature so I don't see permanent change. I understand your point, but we see posts here from girls who are verbally abused, their guys run them down and make them feel like crap. Your guy isn't doing any of that. Your lack of complments from him is giving you a false sense of insecurity. Don't fall for it and blame him for something he doesn't even know he's at fault for?

If you have insecurity problems they are yours to deal with, do so.

Okay, so I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. The living together part was pretty premature, and we have had a lot of issues, but we are still going at it. I love him & has said that he loves me. Anyway, I told him that I wanted to come to his job and have lunch/ take him out etc. He said he may be too busy today, and I understand due to the nature of his job. But he said something that I wanted to ask others opinions about. He said we have been "dating" for a year and I have never asked to come to his job.

The term "dating" seems so casual to me since we are living together. We don't talk about marriage or anything and I am not ready anyway. But that terminology seems so funny to me. Am I overreacting?

Also, there is this chick that he flirt texts a lot at his job. He told me if I saw her I wouldn't be worried about anything; but I always see these texts where it looks like he is pursuing her. I don't understand. I want to confront him, but we argue so frequently that I have just been trying to be relatively peaceful. But, I do have this question in my mind. It was one of the reasons that I wanted to stop by his job for lunch so I can see who this chick is. So... with all of this am I being silly; or should I try to confront these issues.

Avoiding confrontation is just going to build your fustration. If the two of you can work out your issues, then maybe it's better to go your separate ways. Relationships take hard work and both of you have to be able to answer the difficult questions.

On a side note, it seems more like you don't trust him. No trust, no relationship. And the more you accuse him of having an affair (when it's not true) the more you will push him away.

You have been together for 1 year, but your relationship sounds very unstable at the moment, so marriage isn't something close-by. 1 year is not as long as you think. You have to iron out your isseus first and have a stable relationship before considering marriage.

I think that the word: dating, in itself is used in several different ways... personally I would say that since you are living together you are a couple and you're no longer dating (of course this is my personal opinion) in order to be a couple the people involved has to have a mutual agreement in place that they are a couple. (of course this is how I see it)

With that said...

As for the girl, it really depends on his personality as well has your relationship.

Does he have a flirtatious personality?

Also all couples define their limits in different ways. Some thinks its OK for their partner to dance with other people if their out, some thinks its okay for thair partner to flirt but not act on it... etc etc.

If you are uncomfortable with his flirtatious behavior towards this girl, even if he tells you that you wouldn't be worried about it if you ever saw/met her... it still seems to me from your OP that this behavior makes you uncomfortable and that there is a level of mistrust towards him...

And it seems like it might be a good idea to have a chat about it. Of course there are different ways to have a chat like that... but it seems like its better for you to have that talk, rather then avoid that talk.

I really feel that you are EXTREMELY insecure in the way you handle this relationship... to let a term like "dating" make you wonder is a huge problem to me.

I almost feel, and I could be wrong, that you are searching for ways to distrust him... that is no way to do things. Why can't you just enjoy what you have without turning a speed bump into a cliff?

I want to confront him, but we argue so frequently that I have just been trying to be relatively peaceful.

That says it all to me. You can't even talk openly about the things that upset you because there is so much arguing going on? Maybe it's just me, that's a good indication that it's time to move on, whether there are trust issues.

I guess I see what you are saying. Like I said, I'll probably stay away from bringing it up because I don't feel like arguing about it. We are trying( at least I am) to build back up trust that was broken . We have had quite a few "fresh starts", so I have my reasons to question, but at the same time I trying to let stuff go because I would like a trusting relationship.

The only other thing is that his cousin is a ho bag and I don't see him saying that what he does is wrong enough. I mean he hangs out with him; we all go and hang at his house a few times a month. This guy is married with two kids, and has had the nerve in the past to ask me if I had any friends that I could hook him up with! I have met his wife quite a few times, because we go over to visit them & it bothers me. We have also gone to a major event, and the guy brought another chick with him while his wife was 8 months. Pregnant with their second child!

My boyfriend just played it off, and said oh that was his " cousin". Like I'm stupid. Then when I told him about how he asks about my friends, he said " oh, he said he was just looking for a new FRIEND that's all". I've never heard him say his cousin is outright wrong. I mean I know that is his cousin, but call a spade a spade I think.

I guess that is why I get a little worried because I don't see a strong opinion against this behavior, but its really not my place to bring it up frequently with my bf; since its his cousin.

By the way, my boyfriend and his family are not from this country..

Personally I think that when a relationship has gotten to a bad lvl of communication you have two options.

1. rebuild the lvl of communication

2. let go of the relationship.

If the two of you are constantly fighting and you feel that you can't talk to him about a behavior that he shows you

And a type of behavior that makes you uncomfortable, well... where can you go from there?

His using the term dating makes you wonder... He flirts with a girl at work like it's nothing... I'm sorry but none of that sounds like mutual respect. It sounds like you are living your relationship with a fear of losing him. I don't know all the details, but just from those couple of things, no matter how sweet he is, if you two fight like that inside of a year, and don't discuss the future, and he refers to you two as dating, combined with you wanting more. I would say you both deserve better. The sooner you contemplate that idea the better, otherwise you are wasting your time with more fresh starts and not enough closed questions. You should never live your life with fear or doing anything you feel is morally questionable because you feel pushed to do so.

Like I said, I'll probably stay away from bringing it up because I don't feel like arguing about it.

No one likes to argue. But if things don't get in the open, how are you suppose to fix the problem? Building things up inside of you will just make things worse in the long run.


We are trying( at least I am) to build back up trust that was broken.

How are you trying to rebuild trust when you're too scared of confrontation.


My bf just played it off, and said oh that was his " cousin". Like I'm stupid. Then when I told him about how he asks about my friends, he said " oh, he said he was just looking for a new FRIEND that's all". I've never heard him say his cousin is outright wrong.

Sounds like you don't trust him.


I guess that is why I get a little worried because I don't see a strong opinion against this behavior, but its really not my place to bring it up frequently with my bf; since its his cousin.

The problem isn't only his behavior. The two of you have a HUGE communication breakdown.

1) You're too scared to tell him how you feel.
2) You don't like his answers.
3) He just gets more and more fustrated when you argue, so you end up avoiding arguments.

This is clearly an unhealthy relationship. Unless BOTH OF YOU are willing to work hard at the relationship by address each other's concerns, you're just going through the motions.

Well there are positive points, that hold me up from jumping ship so quickly:

I'm in serious financial struggle, and he pays for everything. I do not pay any bills.

He does not go to clubs, or hang out late night, I can usually reach him whenever I need to ( so far, knock on wood)

He invites me most places he goes when hanging out ( as far as I know)

He's very responsible, hardworking, driven, etc.

The sex is pretty good

I can be a difficult person to deal with and he is understanding of me

For the most part we are able to talk things out; more often lately because we've had so much static before so we know each other's buttons

So its not like he's a horrible guy, that's why I would like to work on things

It's great that you mentioned so many great things about him. If you want a balanced approach when you confront him about your doubts, mention those things.

Let him know how much you appreciate him and care about him for all he's done for you. But at the same time, there are a few minor things that bother you. So let him know that you find your relationship amazing and once you've addressed those minors things, it can be even better.

The way you approach a discussion is very important. It really defines the way you communicate with each other. Always try to find a balanced approach. If you focus too much on the negatives during a discussion (or argument), then your communication system can go downhill in a hurry.

I'm sorry, I am just a cynic. I've seen that same scenario with two of my ex's. If you want to nip it before it gets worse and you do break up make sure that he doesn't get to a point where he takes you for granted. Financial issues can do that in a relationship, and for some financially minded men, there is little you can do to contribute that makes you an equal in the relationship. Neither of you are perfect, but you not liking him flirting and him not caring or brushing it off IS a sign, don't let it make you paranoid, just don't blow it off yourself.

Being financially dependent, I picked that one because you cited it first, is never going to be reason enough to stay even if the others are minuscule comparatively. If him referring to the two of you as dating is enough to ruff your feathers now, I would suggest finding a few ways to empower yourself that don't include him. Depending on another for your happiness in the long term isn't healthy, you need to worry less and enjoy life more. With or without him, just try to take those steps, the rest will work out, otherwise you wind up with the smothering effect. And that never works out.

Don't let your fears, and insecurities, stop you from expressing your concerns. Don't let assumptions cause you fear, when you can talk, and have clarity.

Even when its learning something you won't like, that's better than assuming, and the feelings, and worry, that it causes.

You really need to address your fears, with facts, and work together thru honest communications, to resolve your problems..

No communications =No relationship.

Maybe that's why he defines this relationship as dating, it has a long way to go before it's a growing relationship.

How long did you actually date until you moved in together?? How old are you? and why are you financially dependent on him??

Well I moved in prematurely I know after about 1-2 months. I am 28 and he is 37-38. I am financially dependent because I am in grad school and I have a low paying job at the moment.

From reading your posts you want this relationship to work. You see the problems for you clearly.

If his behaviour is not a dealbreaker for you,I would suggest you talk to him,let him know how you feel.

Ask yourself.do his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities?

The dating comment would bother me if I was living with someone,I suppose 'dating' to me is finding out about the person BEFORE the relationship starts.

Yeah you may have moved a bit fast, and now you have to adjust your thinking and your expectations.

Makes me wonder what you guys talked about this past year, and the whole purpose of moving in together?

Even though you moved to fast before, is it to late to define what you have and identify where your going? I don't know and neither will you without dialog between you.

I wouldn't let a simple word like "dating" bother you too much. If you haven't addressed the issue, then no fault to anyone. Have an open conversation about the subject and see how things go after that.

The texting, personally that would be a huge red flag, and probably a deal breaker for me. But if you can live with it, then that's on your guys relationship.

So I recently gave my boyfriend some money to help with the rent because he was short. This is the first time I have helped him out financially since we have been living together. I have been pretty strapped with my finances, but I decided to give it to him as a gesture to show I am trying to help. So a few days later I checked my bank account and found that I really should have not given it to him because a few things did not post that I thought did already before I took the money out. Now I stand to be extremely strapped for cash until my next payday.

I know its not good to give money and ask for it back, but I don't know what to do. He makes way more than I do and he actually got the money already from a friend in a form of a check, but the cash date was a few weeks after the rent due date. I was trying to do a good thing, but Im not sure what I am going to do for the next couple of weeks. So should I ask for some back?

Also, my boyfriend can be pretty stingy, and on the arrogant side. I am looking for a possible approach to ask for someone with a personality like that. Any suggestions? Thanks!

...I stand to be extremely strapped for cash until my next payday...
I know its not good to give money and ask for it back...my bf can be pretty stingy

Was it a loan or a gift? If it was a loan, have no qualms about asking for some/all of it back particularly if there stands to be consequences for you being short. If he's stingy but rational he should accept this without a grunt. If it was a gift, you can either suck it up as lesson learned, or try to indefinitely "borrow" it back when your obligations need to be met.


He makes way more than I do

So why is he borrowing money from you? Force him to hold up his end of things. Do not allow his poor fiscal planning to become your problem.

Do not allow his poor fiscal planning to become your problem.

Which is what the OP did, she loaned money before knowing her own ability to make a loan, now wants to have the loan repaid immediately... what if it has already been spent?

Why not have an honest conversation with your boyfriend that you made an honest mistake and can't afford the loan that was given. How do you feel this would hurt your relationship? Where is the communication in your relationship, if this topic is a concern?

WEll it wasn't a loan. I just offered it trying to be helpful; but I did it prematurely. So no, I didn't present it as a loan from the beginning

It is a tough obstacle to tackle, but if you sit him down and explain to him how you feel, maybe some type of help can formed. Money issues are a very sensitive subject, especially in today's economy.

Why is he so strapped for cash though?

Sounds like you have a weak communication system. It sounds extremely fragile actually, because you're too scared to confront him. This is a good opportunity to strengthen your communication system.

Explain to him your situation in a calm and respectable manner, and I'm sure he will help you figure something out.

Try the truth, you screwed up, and put yourself in a bind, and need his help to get out of it.

Shouldn't he be as willing to help you in your time of need, as you were??

I think this is a prime example of a future poster with future issues.
I just don't get it its your boyfriend,your living together the minute I found out he got it from another guy or is doing better I would have said "oh hey i need some money now" simple what's the BIG SENSITIVE issue stuff about?

You offered help when he was in need.

That's good.

You offered it prematurely without knowing your financial situation. Not good. It happens. Been there, done that... and worse.

You are worried about talking to him about your needing the money back... again, not so good...

If you cannot talk about money and needs... well... this relationship is short term anyway. And I'm not blaming you.

Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for "creating" this problem... sure... itd be better to not lend money you cannot afford to lend.

At the same time, your instincts were to try to help out a loved one in need.

So... I honestly think that the right thing to do is simply to tell the truth and be up front.

Avoiding conflict doesn't preserve any relationship. Relationships have conflicts, problems, issues, blah blah blah.

The trick is can you work through them together in a productive way?

Be up front and honest about your needs. Let him be a little cranky about it... it will likely shake him some to think things are covered and then not... but he doesn't get a free pass.

He should show as much concern about your financial needs as you did about his.

Otherwise he is just arrogant and stingy... but you already said that. ;)

Explain the situation to him, and ask if he could help you out.
Also, apologize for lending/giving money that shouldn't have without checking first.
You live together, so that means that you have that level of trust, right? I'm sure he'll understand.

If you are living together then I assume you split or pay part of certain bills??

But you need to work together and get a budget,

But you tell him that you need help with this or that and ask him to do the return as you did

The more I read the comments of the others, the more amazed I am of how fragile your relationship.

You did not hesitate to lend him money, yet you fear to ask him to borrow money. How does that work?

Okay this isn't a typical relationship question. But here's my dilemna :


I am in grad school taking on a subject I did not study in undergrad, because
I changed fields. So basically I have changed schools, didn't pass in a couple, etc. It's a mess; but now I am moving on the right track. My expected graduation date is in May. The problem is that my family(especially my mother) is expecting me to graduate in December. I originally thought it was going to be dec. but because of circumstances it is going to be may. The thing is I was technically supposed to graduate last may so my mother is really counting on me to finish in dec. The issue is that I also sing with a choir and we are going to Europe and I do not have enough money for the plane ticket. She told me before that if we went, that she would help me pay for it. We are supposed to leave in December ,and I am afraid that she is going to ask about my graduation date. I don't have anyone else that I can ask for the money, and I really would like to go. This is an opportunity that doesn't come around often. I just am afraid of how dissapointed my mother will be, and I am not sure she will give me the money if she finds out; which will be a double dissapointment for me...


So if someone could give me advice on this it would be appreciated... Thanks

Kia, be honest with your Mom. It sounds to me like you have your head together, and eveyrthing for you is going in the right direction. Be proud of yourself, whether is
It's December or May. You came so far. Talk to your Mom, and tell her how you feel.. Good luck

Never lie to your mother!! Whether you get what you want, or not!!

Moms are always happy to hear the truth from their child. Even if its not what they want to hear. It lets them know they did a good job in raising you. Thank her for being the kind of understanding parent you can tell anything to. If in fact this is the case.

The sooner you talk to her the better. Please don't wait until the last minute because she will feel that you deceived her all this time. Tell her what your plans are so that she knows exactly what's going on.

Okay so I'm in this weird place. I love my boyfriend... but I don't necessarily like him half of the time. I do however have those feelings of jealousy and mistrust; but I try to keep them at bay because I don't feel like starting more arguments, basically over how I feel. I
Ve told him many times that I don't like when he comes home & barely talks, or when he's at work and he tells me he will call me back and then doesn't. We don't do much together except lie around the house, and we are usually in different rooms watching TV. We have good sex, however which probably contributes to my feelings. Its just that... I don't know...
I just get these feelings,and I am a little upset that I feel this way, and we barely do anything together, and I have to constantly mention us having good conversations together, and spending "quality time" I guess you can call it. Plus, he works 2 jobs and he essentially has to lie to work them both because he has to attend meetings and see clients for both companies. Now, he just so happens to have jobs where they do not require you to come in and work 9-5. So sometimes I am on the phone with him, or Ive seen an email or two where he lies about his whereabouts to coworkers, and it worries me. Like when I call and he says he's with a client, I feel kindve of weird about it and I just try to keep my mouth shut.

Today I see him online, which is like a first on the IM, so I decided to call to say something to him, and he told me he will call me back because he's with a client. And I'm trying to be positive...

Its just his body language at times, and his lack of calling/calling back during the day, and the lack of conversation most of the time that makes me not understand what is going on.

I do smoke however, and I know he doesn't like it. I don't do it in his face, I just mostly do it at night right before I go to sleep and he is already in bed. I thought maybe that was the reason for these actions, but maybe not...

So... I don't know. Am I being crazy, should I just stop tripping, or do you think I have reasons?

Just sit down and talk to him. You two have way to many problems right now and need to work them out before trying to progress further.

Yea, we have talked quite a few times about these issues. He says when he comes home he's tired, that's why he doesn't talk much. Or, he has work to do at home so he's busy doing that and watching TV. I have already brought up the fact that he lies about where he is when people call him. He said that I should not be stressing him because I know that he works two conflicting jobs so he does what he has to do. I can't keep mentioning it...

If I had to guess, I'd say that he's lost interest to some extent, for whatever reason. Maybe due to stress. Begging for attention will normally make a guy less inclined to give it to you.

Unless you're happy with the way things stand, you're going to have to make some kind of change. If you've talked and he doesn't feel the need to make any adjustments to his own behavior, you'll have to adjust yours. If you make appropriate changes to your own behavior or perspective, and you still find that you're unhappy.. maybe it's time to move on.

Also, I know what its like to be pulled in different directions and be pretty much spread a little too thin to make sufficient time for a girlfriend. It hurts when you feel like you're doing the best you can and she still wants more from you. In my case, all it took was her to express the way she felt, for me to make more time for her.

It's hard when a man is really busy and doesn't have much time for his girlfriend. It's a life choice he is making right now and sometimes, if you give your support he will give you more time. Also you really need to talk to him, we almost never listen when our girlfriend talks to us. Tell him in a serious tone, we really need to talk.

My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. We have not been able to get into a position where we are living together regardless of all my countless efforts. Finally I do all the foot work and get her an apartment (meant for us) and the morning after she moved in she asked me to get out for two weeks so that she could get her children used to the change. She had previously been living with her EX for that entire 1.5 year though I give her credit she never tried to hide that she was moving out from him. He however demanded that while under his roof she must obide by his rules and not see me. She of course seen me as much as possible otherwise we wouldn't still be together today. She is much older than me being 36 and myself only 24 but we have made age a non-factor. The problem I am having now is simply, she let her EX come into our new apartment after I left for my mother's for two weeks (possibly plus some) and had him do all the move in stuff... I have no clue how long he is there, no clue what that apartment actually even looks like now or anything. I don't know what to do. It could be that she wants to remain friends or is finding it hard to tell him to buzz off for the rest of her life but I'm sorry I want this guy gone now. He is far too in my way. And I have told her that several times now but she just keeps saying soon soon soon. WHEN DOES SOON BECOME NOW? I have done so much for this chick and I just don't know what to do to get her ex gone. Its obvoius that its got to be her that gets rid of him and that if I force it it will backfire on me so what to do? Leave? I don't want to leave and give it all up. I love her with all my heart and I want to marry her. Due to a mistake I myself made with another woman a few months ago (which I actually blame on my fiancés neglect of me)... OK it wasn't a mistake, I wanted some attention, any at all and she wouldn't give it to me or as she would say couldn't give it to me because of her ex so I looked up my ex, broke up with my fiancé, and tried with my ex but we didn't get far before I felt too guilty about it and took my fiancé back for another try because she came to me bawling and begging but She calls that cheating when I wasn't really planning on getting back with her that soon at the very least if ever. Yes our relationship has been through the ringer, I know it probably doesn't even sound like its worth saving but to me it is worth everything so I need to know what to do.

An ex who says to a 36 year old women 'you abide by my rules under my roof' has control issues,and she is most likely scared to go completely against him.

He's not going to go away unless she takes steps to enforce it..

Soon soon soon,will never come.

My advice,cancel the lease and get out now.

Does the ex even know that its YOUR place?

Listen carefully young guy, your being used, maybe unintentionally, by this female to escape from her ex. After she has escaped and gotten her freedom, your toast. Worse, your so thrilled to have her, you are willing to meet her every need.

She may have been showing you attention, but its for her good, not yours. When you have served your purpose, you will no longer be needed.

That's why she is with a young guy, who doesn't know better. She knew you would believe anything she says, and you have.

I know you don’t want to hear it, but I get the distinct feeling that she is using you. :( Since I know you don’t believe it, all you can do is address your feelings with her. Since the two of you are supposedly together now, it’s totally inappropriate for her to have her ex hanging out day and night with her.

Since she’s your girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with you telling the ex when he is getting too close, too needy or crossing boundaries when he is. If your girlfriend does not respect your feelings in the matter or does not want to end the bonds with the ex, then it's time for you to move on, because it's clear that she's not ready to move on herself.

Thing is leaving for me is easy. I am on no lease and the place was put in her name. I talked to her today about this and she is super scared that I am leaving her. Told her she needs to boot him out and get me back in there within three days (maybe I am not giving enough time) or I will find my own apartment and she can call me when she is finally rid of him. She didn't like that of course but it needed to be said. She does love me, I know she does, she is crazy for me. However I told her she needs to assert herself to her ex and make him go away or she will lose me for good. She isn't willing to lose me so she is going to do this for me supposidly. I'll keep you posted. I want it to work but am just not willing to put up with the ex any longer.

Is her ex the father of her children?

I think you are setting yourself up as a rebound relationship. She may love you with all of her heart, however, she has jumped from one relationship to another. She needs to give herself time to heal from the ex and be on her own for awhile before committing to another relationship.

On that one it's a little too late. They have been not dating for 1.5 years and he does know about me. No he is not the father of her children though that guy is the biggest jerk I've ever personally met. Nothing to do with this however, she is no longer in rebound mode and she wants to have a loving relationship but see's my issues with her lack of motivation as me calling a good relationship bad. Sorry but its not all that good right now and I am trying to make it better and keep it lasting. She just see's the less stressful way. Oh by the way she happens to have bipolar-depression too. Son is autistic and Daughter has pretty bad ADHD. Problems or not I love that family and am not real willing to give them up

I don't think she jumped from one relationship to another, but rather just jumped into two relationships. She had the ex fooled she wasn't out with you, but really wasn't fooling him, he just put up with it. Now your wanting to move things forward and have her all to yourself, and she isn't overily accepting it, because then she will have to leave her other boyfriend, the ex all together, or doesn't know hwo to play you both, if she lives with you.
She is playing big games here, and likes the rewards from both of you. Honestly, both of you should just leave her alone

There was a time that I thought that to be true. However she was just using him for a place to live and that is a fact I know because I've personally heard him say it. Of course he hates me and won't let me anywhere near the area but he cannot really stop her from seeing me and he knows that she is. You're right about the rewards though, there are really big rewards from both of us, my money and his overly helpful nature (not nice in nature but helpful non-the-less). His pushy nature is what is getting in my way at the moment and I am pushing back harder. If she can't handle the change then she WILL lose me forever. It's that simple. Not my fault she can't do what's right

Well I don't think you are a rebound relationship, you guys have lasted too long for that in my opinion.
If you can get her to rid of the ex boyfriend, that would be good. Your relationship needs to start all over somehow. Because neither of you two had a fair shot at having a actual loving relationship with the ex fool still present. So you are doing the right thing with making her get rid of him. If she actually does this, I would come up with some new ways to spice it all up all over again, kind of like a new feeling between the two of you. So its kind of fresh and new!

Good luck, keep up posted I would be interested to hear how this situation goes for you. I was in a similar situation before, she never lived with him though. I ended up letting her go, because she would never ever rid him from her life, even though she said she did. I don't think she ever did anything with him, but he had his chance, didn't work, so bye bye buddy!
If she couldn't let him go, well then I will just go, I wasn't sharing , whether cheating or not, those were his intentions.

The girlfriend I am with now, her ex still doesn't stop texting her either. Even after two yrs, this guy tells her he will haunt her life for the rest of her life no matter who she is with! She tells him to go to hell, and hope he dies. Guy has major issues, mostly when he is drunk we get the texts. I am very glad she is open about it though, and she tries everything possible to make him stop, ignoring him, being beyond mean, nothing has worked. So far its been a month and not a message from him though, which is good. I told her to nnever reply again, no matter how badly you want to shoot him down. Next option is the police, because we are really sick of it by now, and he also makes her scared to go in public on occasion. He has also speared me in a hockey game, only game he showed up to, when we played his team lol. He blind sided me, knocked my wind out, before I got up my brother handed him his butt lol. That was recent too, just before he stopped texting. He also keyed my truck, but a new paint job for only 200 dollars, I wasn't really mad. I kind of wanted it repainted. Its black, and had a few scratches. Now its new again lol
Thanks buddy!
Again good luck!

Funny ending to that story I like it. Thanks for your support, its nice to hear that someone thinks I am doing the right thing here.He should have been gone long ago and I have given her several chances to fix this situation, this is the last chance and she knows it. She knows I'll leave if I want to and she is like I said way too scared to let me do that. Oh you couldn't just change your girls number? That should have done the trick I think. But anyway I will keep you posted on the events as they play out for sure. I really hope she does the right thing here cause I am truly in love with her and I want more than anything to be her husband. Besides our sex life is suffering because of all the stress and that is something I really really hate giving up lol. Just kidding. I can do without sex so long as I can have my girl next to me at night.

well I dont think you are a rebound relationship, you guys have lasted too long for that in my opinion.
If you can get her to rid of the ex bf, that would be good. Your relationship needs to start all over somehow. Because neither of you two had a fair shot at having a actual loving relationship with the ex fool still present. So you are doing the right thing with making her get rid of him. If she actually does this, I would come up with some new ways to spice it all up all over again, kinda like a new feeling between the two of you. So its kinda fresh and new!

THanks for the awesome encouragement. I would boost your rating but I don't know how lol. Sorry :rolleyes:

We have changed the number, deleted from Facebook too. But he obviously got her new number, small city, everyone knows everyone
Ohh and I don't post for rating anyway! Lol

No that's cool I was just saying that you deserve a plus for that one lol. Um, well I don't know what to tell you about him. Hopefully you've seen the last of him but if not then the police may have to get involved a few times. Think he is psycho enough to hurt either of you physically?

Okay,

She is wanting her cake and ice cream too. I do not believe that the year and a half that she was living with her so called ex that their was no relationship there. Also carrying on a relationship with you for that time.

You get your own apartment for you guys and then she moves in and tells you to get out. Smooth that is so weird and strange. You went for it?

She has no right to dictate to you what you should and should not do.

Sounds like she likes to be in control, sounds like she has control issues herself.

I do wish you the best, the ex should not ever be in the picture especially if he is not the father of her child. That leaves another can of worms open.

Are you okay with her being with people for convenience. Take care of yourself and do not put up with too much bullsh-t.

I wouldn't put anything past this guy. He doesn't scare me in any way though. He is so uncoordinated, I have been to clubs and he has been there, we share mutual friends, he is 30, I am 27, and all our friends are 27, I went to high school with them all, and am a lot closer to them, so they all have my back over him, and they have told him this. So he doesn't touch me yet, besides that hockey game. Every time I have went to a place he is at, he usually leaves. BUt then again, he drives by my gfs house, last time I went to the atm, I ran in the bank, my girlfriend was in my truck, he drove around the block 4 TIMES. Then when I got in the truck, he was at the red light, coming the opposite way, driving by once again. I just gave him a nice gesture. He is pretty unperdictable, you never know what he is doing.
Apparently when he sticked me, his teammates asked him , what the hell you doing, and he flipped on them, and said none of your business, its personal. And they said, well this is a hockey game, keep your personal s**t off the ice.
Everyone tells me he is obsessed with her, obviously, so I have been telling them, why don't you tell him to get a life and move on. SO maybe its starting to clue in. I don't know. He has went as far as e-mailing my ex;s trying to get dirt on me lmao! I got several emails from past gf;s, asking me what the heck is going on , and why this guy is emailing them about me.
Every time I read a post on this forum about, help I am still in love with my ex, I secretly hope I read his story so people can help him move the heck on!

I know that you comment was in my best interest and for all I know you may be right. But even if you are and I never find out I am all right with it so long as she does not ever cheat on me again. I love her and I would forgive her transgressions if she ever had anything to confess to me, she did it for me so I owe that much to her at least. However I am not willing to give up on her due to the possibility that she may have cheated a few times with the man she lived with for that long, but due to the way she talks about him and the way she talks to him I serious doubt anything was going on there. He of course still wanted her back, otherwise he'd have made her leave when he found out about me, however she has given him no headway and she even confessed once to having a kiss forced on her at easter. She was crying thinking I would leave her but she felt too guilty to keep it in. I figure the kiss was a little more mutual but I forgive her because for something as small as a kiss to make her feel that guilty I'm sure she would have about destroyed herself had she ever had sex with another man. I trust her until I am proven wrong to do so. And again I love her and even had she slept with him a few times I will forgive her so long as it never happens again. Not because I am a push over but because I am strong enough to see that if she is the girl I am going to marry forgiveness is a trait I will need to possess and master in order for marriage to work

Lol dyno. Actually I have been reading through these hoping to find my fiancé or her ex posting something myself but I doubt either of them even know this place exsists which is good for me because if she knew I was asking strangers for advice she'd probably freak out. She has people from her past that wouldn't mind finding and hurting her (old family that got locked away because of her). That sort of thing. She thinks someone knows about me and will get a clue from something I say as to her where-abouts. I told her that you can find anything on anyone you want simply be checking public records online and paying a small fee. I found her and her number really easily and I dug up dirt on the ex that I was hoping to throw in his face but I guess it was all cleared up a long time ago. Oh well. Just keep your cell phone ready in case you need to dial those three little numbers, advise your girlfriend to do the same thiing.

I do hope it all works out for you. I do wish you all the best for everybody involved. Just remember that their should be bounderies and respect in a relationship, but when she is telling you to get out of your own place, that is far from being respectful. Just putting that out there. How far are you willing to go to find out if she is truly the one you want to be with. Obviously a lot because you have gone through so much with her already. Just do not lose yourself in this okay. It happens a lot. Just do not want you to end up being an un happy person at the same time it might turn out to be the best thing in the world. You do not know until you go through it.

Just keep that in mind. There are limits and do not put up with everything. Ok.

Thank you jesushelper, I can tell how much you care. It is nice to hear such protectiveness from a complete stranger. Almost makes me feel supported in someway you know? I will take your advice and keep my eyes wide open about this, and I'll watch the situation as closely as possible to make sure that nothing is going amiss. Thanks again Jesushelper, you're a nice person

Don't get blinded by the situation. You seem like a really trusting, patient fellow... really good traits, but also traits that some people take advantage of. Hope it all works out for you. Be careful. Good luck!

dynocompe and all that have been following this situation. I am happy to have had your help and advice in this hard time but it seems like it is finally at an end. She told the guy to buzz off finally and has asked me to fully move back in today. I am sure that there will be ripples of the problem in the near future coming back to haunt me a little but like a ripples they disappear over time. Again thank you everyone for all your help and support and if anything happens in the future I will be sure to keep you all posted. Everyone have a good day and enjoy life as much as possible. Bless you all

dynocompe and all that have been following this situation. I am happy to have had your help and advice in this hard time but it seems like it is finally at an end. She told the guy to buzz off finally and has asked me to fully move back in today. I am sure that there will be ripples of the problem in the near future coming back to haunt me a little but like a ripples they disappear over time. Again thank you everyone for all your help and support and if anything happens in the future I will be sure to keep you all posted. Everyone have a good day and enjoy life as much as possible. bless you all

I hope you have a long and happy relationship. Please, keep your eyes open and don't ignore warning signs. Open and honest communication is the best way to ride out the 'ripples'.

Good luck. :)

First night went well. I spent a lot of time with the kids, we ate dinner together and I helped get them off to bed for the first time ever. Now I'm at work and I will be going back home to her in the morning. How nice. The kids were oddly only acting up when their mom was home (she went out to get dinner) but while under my watch they were angels. I think she needs to work on disapline with them. I never noticed how little they paid attention to her so no wonder she has been so stressed. They will probably start treating me this way soon too. I knew the ripples would be bigger at first, the Ex called her and said he was standing at the door, she said she wasn't even home, and he laughed saying that he was joking but it would be funny to see her chicken boyfriend run out the door which I would have done in his direction with my shoulder by the way. But looks like he will harass us a bit and that is going to tick me off. I said did you tell him that the only reason I have ever left was by her request and she said he knows but still thinks you're scared. To which I replied then tell him to meet me at the park across the street so the cops don't come here. She said no. I was like dang it. I have been wishing for the chance to exchange blows with them man for a long time but it just hasn't happened (mostly because She won't let it happen cause she doesn't want trouble by her kids respectibly and she doesn't know who would win anyway and she doesn't want to see me get hurt even if I do win.) I am not stupid enough to actually get into a serious fight with the man, just enough to teach him a lesson because I am not a fighter. But when you hate one person for that long its hard not to want to kick his you know what. Anyway, I'm going to try and stay out of trouble but I am not going to run away, if he is there I will by all means protect myself and if I have to pick something up to do so I have no problem with that either. Either way I do not and will not go looking for trouble. Sounds fun right? Hopefully this type of behavior will end soon and if the law has to get involved then so be it.

No No No, just stay away from him, ignore him, retalitating just makes things worse. And your woman could really hate you for it as well.
If you have to, and he continually harasses, just call the police, let them do there job.
Throwing fists with the guy, or whatever object you find, is not going to make the guy go away, but will make him want to retaliate even more and he could do something serious to hurt you, or your new family.

Oh yeah, I have a family to worry about. I got to start thinking about that. You're right, the police can handle it much more appropriately than me. And she doesn't want me to fight the guy either, you're right dynocompe, again.

I would like to get some advice on this please. Is it possible for a couple to live together for 2 years and then live apart without breaking up? Is it too awkward, or difficult to make it work, or can a couple work through it. Thanks!

Of course you can make it work. What are the reasons for wanting to live apart?

We have issues,and I miss having my own space and making my own to schedule for doing things. We live together but he pays the rent and most of the bills. I am looking for a place near where we are living now. That is why I am asking if its possible want to live in my own space after 2 years and keep the relationship; and what it looks like to the other person...

If he truly cares about you and wants you to be happy then he should completely understand. Perhaps you’re just at a stage in your life where you need your own space, this doesn’t mean that you love him any less. If you can effectively communicate that to him then I don’t see a problem.

You shouldn’t be afraid to bring up issues in a relationship, especially one as large as this. Communication is key. Feeling the way you do now, if you continue to live with him for the sole reason that you’re too afraid of what he may think, then this could very much ruin your relationship.

Talk to him and explain where you’re at. He should respect how you feel.

I don't know Kia, it would seem that this is where you both have to sit down and re evaluate things and work things out, but I have to warn you that it sounds like a break up already to me and can you afford living on your own? Do you expect his help, and support financially? If you want to keep this relationship, you have to be willing to work together through honest communications, to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

So I guess its talking, and listening, and see what happens.

I would like to get some advice on this please. Is it possible for a couple to live together for 2 years and then live apart without breaking up? Is it too awkward, or difficult to make it work, or can a couple work through it. Thanks!

The answer: "It depends"

Everyone is different and you won't know until you try.

That's usually a sign of things to come, if you can't continue to live together, then how are you going to do it later in life? Could you really marry and live apart? Just a few more things to think about

Threads merged again.

It seems that I have gotten myself into a very difficult situation which is draining me emotionally, and feeling nervous at the same time. If anyone has read my past posts, you would see that I have been in love with a guy for the past 7-8 years, and he never wanted to be with me in a relationship. So I forced myself to move on to my boyfriend now, whom I moved in with( he paid the rentand most expenses for almost 2 years) and we were rocky probably to about a few months ago. Through all of the things we have been through and come out of, and the fact that he has stuck in there with me and still wants to marry me makes me love him more. I have stuck in with him as well.

We have been together now for 2 years and I love him so much more now, and we understand each other. Now, the other guy had a girlfriend during our first year together , but eventually broke up with her, and we continued talking. He asked me to be in a relationship and I flip flopped about it. Again, me and my boyfriend were VERY rocky and on and off so I shared with this other guy some of the problems I was going through with him out of frustration...

So now in a nutshell, after a big incident this weekend with my boyfriend and him really revelaing to me his feelings, I decided to commit to being a better girlfriend because I do love him and do not want to see him hurt.

So I told the other guy; he went ballistic and accused me of stringing him along for the past 6 months, and threatened to call my boyfriend and tell him everything if I did not break up with him. He then revealed to me that he loves me. I couldn't believe it,mainly because I have been waiting for YEARS to hear him say it.

So now, Im emotionally stuck. I do love my boyfriend, I still love my ex( and there is more physical attraction), my boyfriend wants to get married, I don't want to hurt him again, but I also like the other guy and am afraid that he will confront my boyfriend if I don't break up with him; which I believe my boyfriend will break up with me if he finds out that my ex is the guy I have been seeing(I I did tell him thre was a guy, but I didn't specify who it was because I already know that my boyfriend hates him).

The other part is that my boyfriend is into retaliation, and threatens to pull the plug on some finacial/employment opportunities that he has helped me get which have allowed me to become independent again after a about of not being able to afford my own place. I am also on his car insurance which keeps me paying almost $200 lower than what my insurance can be.

The other guy makes me feel alive and is fun, smart, financially well off, and we have undeniable chemistry; but I have never been in an agreed relationship with him. My boyfriend is more the stable, responsible, workaholic type, but he loves me and I love him for these qualities as well.

I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to really leave the other one, and I don't want him confronting my boyfriend and making him brkup with me and devastating him emotionally; which would make him retaliate against me in ways I am admittedly kind of nervous about.

Some advice please!

I just don't know...

You're not going to like my advice, but here goes anyway:

1. Get yourself financially independent. NO ONE should be forced to stay in a relationship because of money.

2. Break up with both of them, and figure out who the heck YOU are. You don't love either of them enough to choose--what makes you think you love either of them enough to spend the rest of your life with him? Go be single. Live in your own place. See who you want to see, when you want to see them--but do not commit to ANYONE.

Well I am financially independent... now. But; my boyfriend was the one who got me the job, and he knows a few "recreational activities" that could make me lose my job, if my employer tries to test me. He threatened to tell them if he feels that I am "playing" him. So that is what I mean. This is not only a personal issue, but a financial one as well.

If the other guy goes to him, I am afraid of what my boyfriend will do in regards to me and my job. I just moved on my own a little over a month ago. This is why I am so concerned about this situation, and am trying to find a way to keep both happy until I figure out what to do.

If both weren't so into retaliation for feeling "played", this would make it easier. I can't seem to get across that I am not trying to play, I just have been confused as well. Both are good guys, but a little on the crazy side as well, and I didn't know the extent until recently...

If he knows recreational activities about you--don't you have the same on him?

You could also go to HR before you break it off with him and let them know that he has threatened to make things difficult at work if you break things off with him, and you wanted to be pre-emptive on ensuring your job is secure.

Better get completely clean, THEN make some decisions.

Out of curiosity, though--why would you want to be with someone who is blackmailing you?

I know what u are saying... but its hard because I know the threat wasn't malicious, he was just really hurt, and I know because I have felt that way, and wanted to mess up a person's life for hurting me. I am just saying that I knew how he was feeling. As far as the recreational activities, he never liked me doing it, but he said I would have to stop by the end of the month because he wants to marry me. He doesn't do it himself.

This is all so new to me because I have always been on the opposite end, that is why I guess I am more empathetic towards both people's feelings. I have been hurt many times myself as well, and that's why this situation is so hard

So its okay to use people for your benefit and not be loyal to either, so your still dependent on them both to continue this charade that you think is normal.

You are playing both of these manipulative fools, and they are playing you.

It's the very old story of using, and being used, and the ONLY healthy solution is to be without both, and stop avoiding the consequences of your actions. You will only get mired deeper in this BS, if you continue on your present course of deceit, and avoidance.

Well, just to update:

The guy I thought I had feelings for came down over the weekend and confronted my boyfriend. He showed him everything that we did, text messages and phone conversations. He called all of his friends and told them the things he did to me, said I was a whore, and not fit to be with. He really hurt me...

Then yesterday he called to apologize and told me he did it because he loved me and he always had( after 8+years of turning me down), and he did it so my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me anymore. He said he did all of it out of emotion, because he felt rejected . He said that he knows that I love him, and he loves me. I just couldn't believe what he did because he always would assure me that I could feel comfortable with him, and he wouldn't judge me or talk about the things we did together; and he was my best friend.

Anyway, I told him that if he cared about me he should leave me alone, and call and apologize to my bf( who I am currently really going through this painful situation with), which he did. He said he would stay away from me and love me from afar if that is what I wanted. I said yes.


So I guess the 9 year saga with him is over, and I feel a little relieved because its done; but I find myself missing the guy I thought he was and the bond that I thought we had. But, I don't miss the real him, now that I know the type of person he is.

Okay, so I am writing because I want to know what I should do. This story has been going on for a few years now, but new stuff just keeps popping up. I happened to be stumped again so I am looking for advice. This guy who I thought was my... bfwb ( best friend with benefits; or so I thought) for about 7-8 years. He never wanted to be with me until I got with my current boyfriend, and after he broke up with his after 1 year( or so I thought, now I know it isn't true)

Anyway he decided to bust me out and get really dirty with it, and is basically slandering my name around town, my boyfriend, and anyone who knows him, simply because I assume I am not on his string anymore. I call it that because up until a couple of weeks ago I really believed that we were bf's due to our talks, the things he said, the way he was giving me advice about my relationship.

Anyway, it is a long story, but I am trying to figure out what I can do to stop his behavior. I told him that I did not want to talk to him anymore and to give me space if he truly cares about me like he said. I thought it was done. Now I am seeing that he is going around talking about me, slandering my name, etc. It really hurts because I thought he was my true friend.

The reason why I do not want to call him is that he is so effing fake and manipulative that he would probably tape and save our conversation, and then try to expose me in some way. But at the same time, although my boyfriend said he will handle it, I want to confront him and say my piece. But due to the whole fiasco I do not want to go behind my bf's back because I know it will come back to blast me, and I will look like a liar again. But the stuf he is saying is disgusting, defaming my character, and making me more and more angry. What can I do?

Harshness warning

Seems you are caught between two BFWB, one (so called) a boyfriend with benefits, the other a (so called) best friend with benefits. Just pointing out facts after merging, and rereading your posts.

His (THE EX?) behavior is terrible, and that's a given, but you really have to see that your own actions and behavior through all of this was a really big contributing factor in this whole mess.

"The chickens have come home to roost", and "the sh1t is hitting the fan".

Lets keep it real here, as the past guy has PROOF, so its not all about the slander you think it is, and has chosen to let the world know, for his own revenge. Doesn't make it right, but it still has to be handled. Its over, except for the hell to pay, as light has been shed on the darkness.

At some point you will have to stop floating along, and stop the using, and being used, waffling between the two guys (well that's has been resolved though) and get an independent life, away from all this emotional, unhealthy drama, and rebuild from scratch, a more healthy way of living. You do need time alone away from both guys to get your head together, as even though you want an easy way out, there is NONE, and the consequences of YOUR past behavior has caught up with you.

Or you will continue to drown in your own sh1t!

The reason why I do not want to call him is that he is so effing fake and manipulative that he would probably tape and save our conversation, and then try to expose me in some way. But at the same time, although my bf said he will handle it, I want to confront him and say my piece. But due to the whole fiasco I do not want to go behind my bf's back because I know it will come back to blast me, and I will look like a liar again. But the stuf he is saying is disgusting, defaming my character, and making me more and more angry. What can I do?

This is probably going to be harsh, too.

Why didn't you think about what might happen before you started playing games? Anyone who cheats knows the rules of the game and what can happen. Did you really think you would get out the mess without paying the price? It sounds like you should be glad there wasn't a tape or pictures made.

What can you do, now? Go completely NC with the (lack of better term) ex. Ignore him completely and work on rebuilding your relationship with your boyfriend. If anyone asks, tell them that you are working with your boyfriend to rebuild your relationship and that is all anyone else needs to know.

Sorry, but you are going to have to weather this storm and hope it stays a tempest instead of turning into a hurricane.