I need help. My fiancé is super stressed about money. I don't make enough for her. I am already doing overtime for her every other week. Now she has pushed me into wanting to pull even more overtime and be gone every night of the week. We just got this new apartment and we can't afford all the things we want for it. We have everything we need but she still isn't happy and now she even just said that if I still want to get married this year I am going to have to work all of the overtime possible (which is a whole lot) because she has to use all her taxes for the apartment. I can't handle this, she is looking to me for all this money because she feels that she is spending a heck of a lot more than me. Too bad she doesn't do a lick of work for the money she gets, its all child support and ssi. Taxes cause her mom claims the kids 8,000 at least a year! I mean come on. I always give my paychecks to her, all of them, I haven't had money in a year and a half, and I work my off for every dime I make. Doesn't that make my money more valuable? What do I do? I don't want to fight about money, I don't give a crap about money, but she does. This is so hard. She just won't stop treating me like I am not doing enough for her. I work 12 days on and have 2 days off... is that not enough? Please someone tell me what to do here. What can I do to make her learn the value of my labor? Or does anyone think that I really am not doing enough? I work thirds too, and I haven't spent a single night with her since she had me move in.

This sounds like a really awful situation. You’re going to work yourself to death! Does she not realize what you are going through? This woman sounds like someone who sees herself as the star of a movie rather than a functional adult. Life is what happens every day. It is not something that you save up for or buy. Ask yourself this: what would be her reaction if you became disabled and couldn't work? Or if you lost your jobs? Would she accept this as one of life's obstacles and carry on with you as best as possible?

It worries me that you’re engaged to her. Marriage should be about supporting each other through hard times - not making the hard times worse.

I know you're right... I am going to ask those questions tonight. The only night I have spent with her in a long time. I'm just concerned that she is only in this for the money. She gets really angry when she thinks that is what I think so I don't know anymore. I'm trying my best. I just don't make very much money.

Well, she gets angry when you express to her that you feel she is in it only for the money, but it's her actions that are making you feel this way.

As surprising as it may sound, money is NOT an issue. Money is just pieces of green papers. That’s all! Its all about what money REPRESENTS.If she thinks that money equals happiness then you have yourself a problem.

I hope your discussion goes well tonight. I really hope that she is in the relationships for the right reasons.

Hello Larken85,

Have you told her that it is a two way street?

This is just a glimpse of what the future has in store for you...

I know that there are two sides to every story, but, according to your story, I feel as if you are doing the brunt of the work, in all aspects!

I really believe that the two of you should sit down in a calm manner and discuss this like adults. Explain that this is NOT how you want to live your life. Working day by day to support HER!

I understand that you love her, however, she should be more supportive of you and your feelings. Have you guys talked about her possibly getting a job to help support the bills?

Hello Larken85,

Have you told her that it is a two way street??

This is just a glimpse of what the future has in store for you....

I know that there are two sides to every story, but, according to your story, I feel as if you are doing the brunt of the work, in all aspects!!

I really believe that the two of you should sit down in a calm manner and discuss this like adults. Explain that this is NOT how you want to live your life. Working day by day to support HER!

I understand that you love her, however, she should be more supportive of you and your feelings. Have you guys talked about her possibly getting a job to help support the bills??

So true! You guys are just engaged right now. Could you really imagine marrying her and living the rest of your life like this? Because, reality is, if you cannot effectively explain to her that you can't continue living like this, then this is what she'll expect from you for many years down the road. I know you love her, but if she loves you too then she couldn't possibly be okay with you continuing on this way.

Yes she wants one but she can't work over some odd amount of hours or her ssi will be reduced. I'm so done. I can't take it. Every time we are low on money its my fault. Did I mention that I pay all the bills including her car insurance and payment which equals out to 400. Its just hard.

We just talked. She is being a little less of a you know what. I told her we have to come to a middle ground or we're going to have serious problems. She accepted this.

We'll talk tonight. Hopefully without yelling...

Hello again Larken85,

How old are the two of you? You mentioned she has children, how many?

It's good to hear that she is starting to realize that you're fed up and that you're going to have serious problems if you continue this way.

I'm assuming she understands that you cannot put up with the relationship any longer if things don't change. Make sure she understands that you're serious. Actions speak louder than words, if you don't see her making an effort to change her ways, I wouldn't make an effort any longer either.

Take care and make sure you stand up for yourself.

She has two kids 8 and 9. the 8 yr old is a girl with a speech learning dissablilty and the 9 yr old is an autistic boy. Great kids over all. She is 36 yrs old and bi-polar and I am 24 yrs ld with severe depression. We are both being treated with heavy meds for these

Oh Larken Larken Larken... There are so many red flags here, I don't even know where to start!

I'm not trying to judge you or her in this, but I have to be honest with you...

You are a young 24 year old, with no kids of your own I assume. I believe she has a lot on her plate, and to top it off she wants you to do more!

This is up to you on how you want to handle this, but I don't know if I see a happy ending here.

Do you know what I mean?

She may be older, and maybe you both have issues, but if you think your going to be married you better man up, and start defining what's allowed, and what's not. All couples have money problems, so get a budget that's realistic, and live within your means. Why does her mom take your kids on her taxes, and so what if SSI will be cut because she works. You're the man, divide things equally, and have a plan you both can agree on that works without you killing yourself with overtime.

I see too many red flags to be just giving her full control of anything, especially you. That's not a marriage, that's slavery. For sure if you can't make this work now, forget marriage.

And who follows without question, the wishes of someone bi-polar? That would depress me too!

My depression stems from my issues of confidence from a long time ago. I have much more self worth now.
You're right talaniman, I do need to lay down the law. Actually I just did a few minutes ago on the phone. She was trying to fight me on it still and the tone I took and the commanding words stopped her. She never expected me to Fight back so hard. Now she has kind of given up on ordering me to do these things. We'll see how long it lasts.
Fyi just cause she is bi-polar doesn't mean she is not of a sound mind. It just means that she changes her mind way to freakin often.
I know a life with her will be hard, but I really do love her and although perhaps misguided, I love her with all my heart. She is my perfect match chemically speaking, just not with logic. We tend not to agree on things and it is always ends up with one of us winning. I said that is going to stop right now, we are not winning or losing these fights anymore, from now on we'll come to an agreement if there is one to be had. She agreed with me. And she is trying to keep her voice down so as not to push me further cause she realized that she was being ridiculous.

Judging from your previous thread you had, maybe she wants you working all this overtime so your not at home and you do not know what she is up to!

Dyno that is further from my suspicions than you'll ever know. I am not at all afraid of this. For this is the one thing I know for a fact that she will never do to me. She wants me working because she likes to be left alone and go shopping. She knows that too much time with someone can kill a relationship but what she doesn't know is that to little can do it too. She would never cheat. She will never do anything behind my back. She is just materialistic.

Judging from your previous thread you had, maybe she wants you working all this overtime so your not at home and you do not know what she is up to!

I really think this comment was unnecessary. The OP never suggested there was trust issues.

Hello again Larken,

So... while you are killing yourself working, she is out shopping!? Is that something that you are OK with or going to be OK with in 5, 10 years from now? Let me tell you, if I were the ONLY one working and my partner was out shopping and was not working, that would really bother me!

Hey, to each his own, I just think that you are allowing her to get away with a lot. She is pushing 40 with two kids and no job, also having a 24 year old support her and HER kids, bringing you down because its 60 hours you work and not 80, because she wants to go shopping and she is "Materialistic". Does that really intriuge you?

Is this really what YOU want Larken?

See, I was under the impression that you guys were struggling with house bills,car payments, electric,yada yada yada, not what's my next pair of shoes I should buy...

So, I ask you this again, Larken, is this really what you want for the next 20 years?

Larken.. during your relationship with her, was she always this way when it came to money?

She wants me working because she likes to be left alone and go shopping.

Oh hell no, not when I have to bust my butt working overtime!!

Champaign taste on a beer budget never works. If that's how she appreciates your efforts... she is out of here. She can do her shopping with out you, or your overtime.

Talaniman, I would green you again, but it won't let me!! You, my dear, are 100% correct!

She is what I really want for the next 20 years. I am happy to work so she can have nicer things usually but my only problem is she wants me to work more cause we can't afford both bills and her spending habbits. That's the problem. She is starting to realize that if she wants to splerge she has to make her own money for that. I have't done any thing for myself lately and I just started to really complain about it. I am finally able to get the things I need now cause she understands that I need some Joe money. But still wants me to work more but since I just got a supervisor position again she is laying off a little bit. Not that it is that much more pay but I think she is more laying off because I am asserting my dominance over the money. I am sorry but if she cannot handle things its time for Joe to step in and take over.

She has since calmed down about the money situation and we are no longer fighting about it. I really hate fighting because it brings out my depressed side and all the things that I have found going even a little bad get brought up. We have been fighting more and more lately and I am very sensitive to it and thus things get very tense in our relationship. She Being Bi-polar she could be great and tender one day but the next she could totally freak out. I don't like the freak outs of course but when she is not freaking out she is such a wonderful person. I love her so much and even with her quorks I would put up with pretty much anything. I know it sounds crazy, but this is the theme of our lives lol. Thanks for the advice, and now that I am standing up for myself things seem much more balanced.

Larken I know about money struggles, believe me. I'll give you a quick rundown of what I got to know I can relate pretty well. I got a mortgage, homeowners insurance, taxes, gas/electric, internet and TV, car payment, 2 insurances for cars, cell phone and gym membership plus a few more like school loans.

My fiancé is like yours as she has two kids, she gets help from the government but not much. She works 2 jobs(around 45 hrs between the two) and I work 40hrs at my job plus side jobs.

The trick, live WITHIN your means. Tell her if she's so worried about money, STOP GOING SHOPPING! She doesn't need a new outfit every week. A budget needs to be set an followed or else you will end up in more debt. And if you really think this marriage thing will work, try planning a wedding when the real stress comes in and a lot of costs.

I'm not trying to say this to scare you, but you really need to set limits to her spending as it's going to cost you, and it's your money. Money is the cause of a lot of living situations, it destroys friendships and relationships very quickly if you don't have a budget to live by

New issue, not that big of one but enough to tick me off.

Ok Fiancé and money yet again. This time it envolved my vacation pay. She decided that since the vacation pay was not here on time that we would pay everything late (I give her the money and she pays them cause they are all in her name). She takes off to bring the kids down south to see their father and she stay gone the entire spring break. She has family down there she was visiting. I had to work and wasn't worried about getting the time off. Well after she leaves about a half week later, I get my vacation pay. Its only $300 so its not like it was much anyway. I paid my mother the money I owed her and then including the money I was left with before she left I had about $500 total for the week to do with what I pleased (or so I thought.)

This is the first time I have spent any mony on myself in a long long time. And I still have $120 left. That's two weeks of normal expences and I spent a couple of hundred dollars. She did not talk to me much at all while she was away so I never had a chance to tell her that I got my vacation pay until she got back. When I told her how much I had left she about hit the roof. (the entire time I am under the impression that we were spending her tax money, which is coming the be 20th of this month, on all the bills and stuff. She was raving about how she only have $200 for her entire trip and she still has more than I do left (BULL CRAP RIGHT THERE) She got child support and SSI so I know she is lying.

On top of this she just decided to offer her mother $4000 out of her taxes without so much as telling me. But she wants me to ask her permission to spend the money I earn!

We agreed that I would pay half of the rent and bills in our apartment. Thing is, I am still not living there!! Why the heck does she think that I HAVE to pay rent and bills if she isn't letting me stay there? And what the heck makes her think that she can just make me feel like crap for spending a chunck of my money?

More over, how do I talk to her about the money and tell her that she is going to have to give me a break considering that I still don't live in the apartment that I am paying for. How do I explane things to her without her getting all super mad and making me feel bad. And How do I get her to stop making me feel bad for wanting to have a say in things like money?

I'm so stressed about it and the last thing I want to do is get into another fight with her about money. So any suggestions.

As a side note, and it may be the stress of it all talking, but I am starting to think that I am just to freakin young for this relationship and its tribulations. Guess I will have to face this stuff sometime huh? So why not now?

How come you're not living in the flat yet?

Me,I pay all the whatnots.where I live-nowhere else.

Stress or no stress,yes,you are young to have shouldered all these responsibilities.

Is this really what you want?

I just don't know amicon. I mean I know I love her with all my heart, but I just don't know if I have made the right choices anymore. I feel very obligated to stick with the choices I have made because I have made them and committed to them. I am so lost right now.

Only you can,of course,make your own choices,but,generally speaking,we are allowed to change our minds and admit that we have made the wrong choices.

I have to give you my honest opinion,I think your relationship lacks balance.

Added to not knowing if my choices were right I don't know how to talk to her about this without making her spaz out bawling about me leaving her and all that. She thinks I'm going to leave over the weakest things. This one isn't weak and I know its going to get to her real fast. I just don't know how to tell her how I feel without her thinking that I am just all of a sudden no longer in love with her. Ya know what I mean? Because I am in love with her and I love her with all my heart and soul. I just don't know if I am ready to shoulder all of this and now its been a year and a half, almost two, and I am just not realizing this and she is going to be so distrout that I am even thinking this way now.

I do not want to go any where, I love her and I do not want to leave. I just want to be less... stressed. I want less on my shoulders and to have less responsibilities. But that is a childish dream, I am an adult now and I have to face the fact that I will never be free of money issues... :(

I have to give you my honest opinion,I think your relationship lacks balance.

You got that right. I feel like we are on a teeder-tot and I am the side that looks glued to the ground. (if we were actually on a teeder-tot this would probably happen for real lol because I weigh about 30 lbs more but anyways)

Well,if the two of you want this to work,you must find a way of communicating which works.

You can't sweep everything under the carpet for fear of upsetting her.

I know you're right. I just learned of a new way to connect to people (defusing tough siuations By saying you are sorry when you know you are right) and it is supposed to work on everybody but I tried it last night when she flew off the handle about the money but it so did not work at all. Like, I said "I'm sorry for not being tighter with my money and spending a little bit on myself. I should have made sure you knew my vacation pay was here." She just kept talking AT me about how irresponsible I have been with money and bla bla bla. I've heard it all before and it always ends the same way, with me feeling bad about spending a little amount of money on myself and then spending a lot of money on her which is just fine and dandy. She thought I was trying to make her feel bad when I appologized (and in all truth I was, but I was just trying to make her see my point).

I don't know, I guess I just got to go and sit her down and say something like "Hey, I have been thinking about our relationship a lot lately and our roles in it." That's all I got so far, the rest that I want to say is going to get me yelled at and condecended on... Wait a second, am I being verbally abused? Or emotionally for that matter? Why is it that I am afraid of her? I know we try not to make our significant others feel bad in general but why is it I am actually afraid to talk to her about how I feel? I know she is going to come down on me or get very insecure and sad (or at least act that way because she sure does it a lot for it to be really real every time. Maybe an over dramatization) All I know is I don't want to talk to her about it because I know that I am going to suffer some sort of emotional pain if I do. Is that being emotionally abused?

Emotionally abused?
Possibly.
Emotionally blackmailed-I'd have to say yes-what with the crocodile tears and tantrums.

I'm having a hard time understanding why your fiancée thinks she can demand all this of you.

If this wasn't your own thread,what advice would you give ?

I know what I would tell someone else to do. But it's a lot harder to wear the pants in the family when its your own situation. I can't lay down the law, I can't do anything like that because I am far too sensitive and I let her walk all over me. She has from day 1. I should have never given her that first couple of hundred dollars and I should have kept all of our bills and finances separate.
I would tell myself to move into your own place and quit waiting on her butt. Stop being a slave, you are not her employee, Just find yourself someone that respects you for all that you do for them.

But then I think, I can't find anyone who could show me more love and affection. I can't find someone who is going to be this in love with me and devoted to me. Then I think that that is the trade off and that I just need to shut up and quit complaining. Quit being a baby and stop wasting everyone's time. Stop complaining about this, in the grand scheme of things does it really even matter where your green paper has gone?

All the while I am sitting her with a sinking feeling that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I can't shake it, and I don't like it. I just don't want to know the pain of losing her. I don't want to put her in pain, and I never want to see her cry. I would protect her with all my strength and I would give my life for hers, but I just can't be a door mat. I can't tell her that's how I feel though because she will yell about how she in no way walks on me and all that. Because she herself cannot see that what she does is wrong. Her mother and her friend (that both hate me) tell her she is mean to me. I just want to scream!! I can't let my emotions out about it because I can't control my emotions that well and I will say things that I just do not want to say. I always go too far with my complaints and it always turns into the blame game. Because I hold it in for too long. When I let it out when it happens we fight too much. I try to decided what is really important and what really matters to be, or if it is even worth bringing up, but honestly I feel like its almost wrong to have to say "its not worth the fight" every single day.


You all know I know how this is going to end, I can't deny it if I can't change her attutude and her "emotional black-mailing"

Sometimes being in love isn't enough.

It does sound like its heading for a fall.

How about counseling?

I could try to get her to do that. I donno if she'll go for it. She don't think our problems are as big as I think they are

How did this relationship go so bad in something like 5 days?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/cougars-why-so-aluring-462847.html

This sounds like way too much drama for a relationship and in the middle of all this are two kids.
This lady has a money cow and will not let go of it until she drains you dry.
You need to decide if you want to waste your youth on this woman because this situation is not going to change. She has you by the purse and the balls.

I suggest you let this lady go. She has too much control over you and it sounds as if you know it's not right, but you can't stand your ground with her. This is not a good or healthy relationship.

Hi Larken, just so you know, finances are the biggest cause of break ups in a MARRIAGE. Having said that, YOUR FEAR of standing up for yourself, is at the root of your problem. Its not the money but the reaction and actions of her disagreeing with you.

See she has no problem getting her way because she knows exactly how to back you down, and its very obvious, you let her.

One of the things many of us do is let our partners have their way because we are afraid to confront them with the reality as we see it.

In this case its not a lack of communications, as you both know exactly what the other one thinks, and wants. Its just your side that is handicapped by an unwillingness to NOT give in to her emotional display, and give her what she wants.

I think you let her rant and rave and cuss and swear, and give her a few days to vent, and cool off, while you stick to your guns about what's fair in your mind. If you do not relent, then she must rethink her position, and tactics, and find a better approach. Or leave you alone. All her choices to make. Let her.

That's non-verbal communications, and is as important as talking, and listening, and sometimes more so. Look guy, she knows your feelings, and she also knows she will get her way because, you have always caved when she guilts you into something. Many of us men (females too, to be fair), are suckers for the emotional onslaught of our partners, but over time, and usually because we are sick of being the one that always caves, even when we are right, we start to stand up, and say NO, when its necessary, and even push back, when they take it to far.

I think its fair to stand up for what's right, when you believe it, and even to strongly disagree when they are dead wrong, or unfair.

That's what my advice to you is. Learn to stand up for your beliefs, and not get pushed around, because as its important to love, and protect our partners, its even more important to love yourself.

She cannot abuse, or blackmail your heart, or intimidate, and manipulate, your thinking, unless you let her.

Love is not being a victim to another to have their way. Love is not always giving them what they want at your expense. Love is not eating their crap either, if you know that doesn't work for you.

The way I see it, as you seem to want to make her happy with all your heart, sometimes being an unmoving brick wall is also showing love when its necessary. (tough love)

Whether you know it or not, she is very carried away by the power you give her, and at some point, you make a stand and say "enough and what your doing is not fair and I ain't going for it!!" Then you have to stand your ground.

Your dignity and self respect will love you for it, trust me. So will she, if she loves, and respects you, for who you are and not what you give her, as much as you do her.

Forget the fear of her reactions, and actions, as there is no argument as to whether your right or wrong. Doesn't matter who is. You have to face her fury with the calm strength, that a cool head, will outlast a furious one.

Sometimes you have to meet the challenge head on to resolve it. Not slink away, and turn your anger, and frustrations on yourself, especially since this is an ongoing, frustration.

You aren't the only guy to face these problems, and will hardly be the last. But the bottom line is how you define YOURSELF, and deal with it according to what you think is fair, and right, and not be swayed by an emotional argument, that you clearly see is wrong.

When you accept bad behavior, you will ALWAYS get more.

I suspect that this is one of the problems in a relationship with a big age difference when the older female's virtues include a mothering instinct. She continues to "mother" in all phases of the relationship.

Easier said than done, budget, learn to live without, if you can't pay for it, don't get it. There are many good budgeting programs out there

Hi Larken, just so you know, finances are the biggest cause of break ups in a MARRIAGE. Having said that, YOUR FEAR of standing up for yourself, is at the root of your problem. Its not the money but the reaction and actions of her disagreeing with you.

See she has no problem getting her way because she knows exactly how to back you down, and its very obvious, you let her.

One of the things many of us do is let our partners have their way because we are afraid to confront them with the reality as we see it.

In this case its not a lack of communications, as you both know exactly what the other one thinks, and wants. Its just your side that is handicapped by an unwillingness to NOT give in to her emotional display, and give her what she wants.

I think you let her rant and rave and cuss and swear, and give her a few days to vent, and cool off, while you stick to your guns about whats fair in your mind. If you do not relent, then she must rethink her position, and tactics, and find a better approach. Or leave you alone. All her choices to make. Let her.

Thats non-verbal communications, and is as important as talking, and listening, and sometimes more so. Look guy, she knows your feelings, and she also knows she will get her way because, you have always caved when she guilts you into something. Many of us men (females too, to be fair), are suckers for the emotional onslaught of our partners, but over time, and usually because we are sick of being the one that always caves, even when we are right, we start to stand up, and say NO, when its necessary, and even push back, when they take it to far.

I think its fair to stand up for whats right, when you believe it, and even to strongly disagree when they are dead wrong, or unfair.

Thats what my advice to you is. Learn to stand up for your beliefs, and not get pushed around, because as its important to love, and protect our partners, its even more important to love yourself.

She cannot abuse, or blackmail your heart, or intimidate, and manipulate, your thinking, unless you let her.

Love is not being a victim to another to have their way. Love is not always giving them what they want at your expense. Love is not eating their crap either, if you know that doesn't work for you.

The way I see it, as you seem to want to make her happy with all your heart, sometimes being an unmoving brick wall is also showing love when its necessary. (tough love)

Whether you know it or not, she is very carried away by the power you give her, and at some point, you make a stand and say "enough and what your doing is not fair and I ain't going for it!!" Then you have to stand your ground.

Your dignity and self respect will love you for it, trust me. So will she, if she loves, and respects you, for who you are and not what you give her, as much as you do her.

Forget the fear of her reactions, and actions, as there is no argument as to whether your right or wrong. Doesn't matter who is. You have to face her fury with the calm strength, that a cool head, will outlast a furious one.

Sometimes you have to meet the challenge head on to resolve it. Not slink away, and turn your anger, and frustrations on yourself, especially since this is an ongoing, frustration.

You aren't the only guy to face these problems, and will hardly be the last. But the bottom line is how you define YOURSELF, and deal with it according to what you think is fair, and right, and not be swayed by an emotional argument, that you clearly see is wrong.

When you accept bad behavior, you will ALWAYS get more.

I was going to cut some of this out and just put the fine points in that I really liked and wanted to respond to but I know that this entire post is perfectly right. Some of the best advice I have ever seen on here actually. This is a very hard thing to do, but all I can do is try. I guess if she doesn't like it, she will decide what's going to happen to us. I need to do this. I need to try, and I can't stay like this.

Why are you the only one working? Or does she have a job too?

Seems like she is taking you for granted. Wanting to live a lifestyle that is obviously out of both your budgets.

You just simply need to say NO. You need to take care of yourself. Trust me, its not healthy to work yourself to the bone. You're going to age yourself faster and always have that feeling your missing out. You already stated that money isn't the most important thing to you, so then what is?

She's pushing you to provide a lifestyle for her that will literally kill you in the end. And quite honestly, if she wants to live a lifestyle that is expensive, then she better be putting more towards it then child support.. She needs a job (if she doesn't have one) and put some of her money towards what she wants as well. Relationships, especially those heading towards marriage, aren't one sided. You need to work as a unit, and right now... its all on your shoulders.

Again, how did this wonderful relationship with this terrific person go so sour in 5 days?

Judy, she is bi-polar. Its hard to keep up with her moods and she directly effects my moods. We have a volitile relationship still. Maybe we should hold off on thinking about marriage until we get more comfortable and settled with each other.

One minute it is the best thing in the world, the next it is the hardest to endure. It's a newer relationship, and it needs more time to settle out.

Your not going to like this.

It is time to end this relationship altogether.

She wants everything handed to her. She has been living the easy life. Honestly you are working non stop and she will not contribute some way.

Your going to lose yourself by this. There are 1000 red flags in this relationship too many to mention and so many already mentioned.

She needs to start carrying a lot more weight in the relationship and you need to be the one to communicate this with her.

Stand up and be a man, and let your voice be known. The more you let it happen, the more you leave it like it is. The worse it will get and something or everything will self destruct.

Hi Larken,

I have to agree with Jesushelper.

You are young, and seem to have a lot going for you...

I'm not saying she is a bad person, not at all! I just think that you two are like oil and water.

You taking on the brunt of the work isn't helping YOU any.

It's only going to get worse...


I can see and understand that you care for her.

Do you think it's fair? You tell us.

When you first told us about what it was about you that she was attracted to, you said that it was because you DID NOT have any children of your own. Yet she has two, and cannot have anymore. That in itself is one of the most selfish things that I've heard on here. She is content with you never having biological children. Parenthood is the greatest joy I've ever experienced. Don't deny yourself that special love.

And now she is telling you to work more, so she can spend your money on the things that she sees fit. You are paying rent on a place in which you do not live. She spends it faster that you can make it.

Things like this usually get worse before they get better. You need to sit down, and think about things. You need to stop with the accepting blame whenever you are not at fault, just to keep the peace.

And yes, if this story was someone else's post, you would have the answer that you are looking for.

You are in LUST, not LOVE.

You deserve to be treated with respect. And not like a goose that lays the golden egg.

Jm I agree that she is selfish. Lust? no. I have made that mistake in the past, I know the difference. I am in love. She however may be in lust. I could never know if someone else only really lusted after me or if they actually loved me.

Not until a big test of love that is. I thought the fact that she came back after I cheated was a true testement (not that I did it for that reason.) I donno... Maybe taking me back was a way to pronounce power over me. But I just can't imagine her doing that.

I do deserve to be treated with respect, and I have been doing the lions share of the work in both the relationship and financially. I mean its not like I make a lot of money. I just don't know, I'm so lost in this.

She is going to have to let me talk to her, I can't be like that anymore...


And in regards to the children of my own thing, its not a big deal to me. Well it is but its something I will have to deal with if I am with her. It is not selfish that she cannot have anymore. We had our chance, and for some reason we were not allowed to have children (or she was otherwise biologically incapable). I have known this for some time and I will not hold that against her.

I think this woman is using you. You need her and she needs you and you are both enabling each other's weakness.
You are young and have a lot of living to do yet you are tied down to a woman with children and a mental and financial disorder.
This situation is not going to get better. You will always have a battle with her and then you will have to deal with the kids as they begin to assert themselves, and they will because they see her walking all over you.

I think this relationship is too volatile to work. It is highly dysfunctional. I am certain this woman is not the one for you.
You seem to be a kind hearted and giving person, you deserve better than this.
Don't cheat yourself.

i think this woman is using you. You need her and she needs you and you are both enabling each other's weakness.
You are young and have a lot of living to do yet you are tied down to a woman with children and a mental and financial disorder.
This situation is not going to get better. You will always have a battle with her and then you will have to deal with the kids as they begin to assert themselves, and they will because they see her walking all over you.

I think this relationship is too volatile to work. It is highly dysfunctional. I am certain this woman is not the one for you.
You seem to be a kind hearted and giving person, you deserve better than this.
Don't cheat yourself.


:(... :(


I have to sleep. I'll be back tonight...

I did not say that to be cruel or to hurt.
You are a bright man and a kind one. I would hate to see you let this woman destroy who you are.
I wish you well

I will say more, this is truly blind love. On your part.

You are continuesly making excuses for her, even though this seems like it is so one sided.

Truth be told, you are both in for a major meltdown. It is coming. You keep defending her no matter what she does.

I have to admit cheating on your part was not good. Her taking you back okay that was nice. The question I have before you cheated was she the same way with things? Yes or no?

Cheating will happen again, and you deny the chances of her cheating but guess what that is because your blind and can not see it but the possibility is always there. That is the first thing I thought of when I saw this post. The reason why she wants you gone so much is so she does have the opportunity to screw you, literally by trying to go out with others to do some kind of pay back.

This is not good at all. I hope that you are smart enough to stand up be a man, make some decisions to make your life better, not hers. Your just giving her everything she wants and simply will not end.

She is absolute taker, and she is going to eat away at your soul and your heart and your money until you will end up in the psyche ward..

I hope you eventually see the light before it is too late and gone.

Any Relationship should be a 2 way street and this clearly isn't , and to be honest I can't ever see that happening.

If it were me I'd take the hurt now and get out , but hey , that's just me.

That would be the ideal thing to do. It is either let it die a miserable slow death, or be the one to end it quickly and start to move on.

God I hate hearing the truth.

Jesushelper. The question you asked about things being the same way, no. They have changed quite a bit, but that is not to say in a way that I am happy with. I got her into a better position to see me, but now I had to move out and have not been able to return. Its like one bad thing after another. I get one problem fixed and here comes another one, like we need to even out the good and the bad in our relationship instead of trying to eliminate the bad. I know that bad is always going to be there, but in trying to eliminate it at the very least you are trying to make it better. Not eliminating one issue and causing another one just to have a dramatic life style.

I am going to talk to her this weekend (my weeken of Tuesday and Wednesday night) and if things don't change drastically, our lives are going to be shifting in two different directions. I am getting a bit more mature, this is why the problems keep coming up. She doesn't like me having a say and I am not going to just follow her rules and crap blindly anymore. She has noticed a huge change in how much I am speaking up to her but the problem is my words still lack the action. My leaving her (which ultimately got called cheating) was the first of many points in my life where I am letting myself be known or stepping out if she doesn't listen.

Now she is listening but her issue is now that she doesn't consider my issues with her actions as valid. She doesn't respect what I see going on in the relationship because in her own little world everything is just sun shine and daisies! I hate to be such a pushy person, but I told her several times that she is taking too much of my money and spending it while she gives me a tiny allowance. I mean usually I do not argue, she says she needs that much and that's what I give her, but then she gets angry when I don't have enough to make it to payday and that's when I try to tell her that I am giving her too much. Guess if nothing else I am going to have to be a little tighter with my own money because I am not being fair to myself. And I am really getting shafted here.

I am a good looking guy, I am nice, and I personally think that I am a keeper, so if she wants to keep me, she is going to have to make me happier. That's all she wrote I guess.

I also think you're a really good guy as well. That is why everybody here is trying to help you out in your situation. We all want you to be happy in your life and honestly your miserable right now.

You know what I agree, she is going to have to do more to make you happier. As others have said it is a two way street, relationships should not always be one way.

I do hope everything works out for the best for the situation to get resolved in one way or another. Know we all have your backs here, and that we will be here through all of the things you might be going through or go through.

Take care okay...

Joe

I know that bad is always going to be there, but in trying to eliminate it at the very least you are trying to make it better.

I agree with you 100% here Larken , the problem is you're the only one putting any effort into it , that's not only not fair but it's also damn right selfish of her in my opinion.

I think she's using you by the sound of all this and if I was a betting man I'd say if you really put your foot down , she'd change her attitude quick smart , because if you leave her shopping stops so to speak.

I agree with you 100% here Larken , the problem is your the only one putting any effort into it , that's not only not fair but it's also damn right selfish of her in my opinion.

I think she's using you by the sound of all this and if I was a betting man I'd say if you really put your foot down , she'd change her attitude quick smart , because if you leave her shopping stops so to speak.

Really Good point M... she does not want to do it alone because she has a lot of issues and wants everything handed to her. If there was a threat of taking that away, I wonder. Change of attitude but how long would that change happen for. She sounds like she is always going to be using somebody to get herself ahead.

Really Good point M... she does not want to do it alone because she has a lot of issues and wants everything handed to her. If there was a threat of taking that away, I wonder. Change of attitude but how long would that change happen for. She sounds like she is always going to be using somebody to get herself ahead.

Had to spread the rep Joe but they were my thoughts too.

A. why do they keep calling you M? And B. Joe is my name too. That's cool for some reason. Or dorky that I think its cool lol.

Then if she changes, for however long, how do I know if it is because she doesn't want to lose me in regards to love, or in regards to her wanting to use me?

She is going to have to want to change-do you think she does?

I don't think changing is something she could handle well. With the way she is and the problems she has, it is hard to get her out of a routine. Just like an autistic person she needs things to happen the same way and when things screw up her schedule she throws a tantrom. I can't live my life in a constent summersult of activities. The same thing done enough times gets so irritating and boring. I try to spice it up, she hates it, I try to spend more time with her, she finds it a chore.

I just want to scream sometimes. And then she will say things that just hurt, she thinks nothing of it and I am sitting there feeling liike a scarred little boy. Like my best friend just died and she is like what's wrong? I tell her and she gets mad that I reacted that way and she knows without a doubt that what she said was right and justified. Whether it is or not she basically tells me to get the _ over it cause it's the truth. She doesn't care that she has hurt my feelings so long as she feels that she is right. Later on she will care, she will appologize and all of that, but only if I sound like I am no longer hurt. If She knows I am still hurt she will fight with me. Maybe she just hates weakness.. don't know

If this is a match made in heaven I would hate to be in hell. This is a terrible relationship Larken. She is living off the government and she has you as her sugar daddy.

Larken, I don't know how much you know about bipolar disorder, but my father (God rest his soul) suffered from bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember. He still provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle and my mother did not have to work. So, it's still possible for her to be gainfully employed. Also, another symptom of bipolar disorder is shopping. Yup, shopping, not beign good with finances, not paying bills, etc.

While you may love her with all your heart, she is just hurting you.

Why don't you live in the apartment you pay for?

Make a list-ten reasons to stay,ten reasons to break up.

From what you're posting,I think you are really struggling.

Kind of quoting Tal,a relationship should be a bonus-this sounds like a chore.

The reason behind that would shoot all of you through the roof. I will sufise to say that the biggest reason I do not live there (her biggest reason) is because the kids are still not used to me. I might as well come out with it actually, since it'll come out sooner or later anyway.

I know I am ridiculous, I know I am stupid and just all around idiotic. You don't need to tell me that honestly. The main reason in my opinion that she is not letting me move in is because her Ex still has her dog and comes over whenever he pleases. (not at night mind you I know that for a fact.) But the problem is he is kind of using the dog as blackmail. She loves her dog but until taxes she cannot come up with the pet deposit at that apartment. I know there is probably a better way to deal with it, and believe me I am at the end of the rope here. She told me that I would be moved in right after spring break (my bad for not making her set a date) but spring break is over now. I should be moving in tonight, but I am sadly not. I am just spending the night again.

It is my opinion that if she wants that dog so freakin bad she should just take it there and keep it hidden. It's a good dog, doesn't do anything wrong. No one would ever know it was there, but she is just afraid that she will be kicked out if she gets caught with it.
On top of that she is afraid that if she is caught with me there too much she will get kicked out. I am not on the lease and the place has super strict rules. Thing is, I lived there for a month before she got there, never had a single problem, but as soon as she got there it was time to get out! I didn't want to get out.

But now I almost don't want to move back in. I really don't want to deal with the shifting moods and the fact that we still don't communicate well enough to have a healthy living together relationship let alone the living separately one we have right now.

J9 you are right, she could and would work. It is something she wants to do, but not bad enough to take some of her time and go out and get a job that is. She is a compulsive shopper, gets whatever she fancies at the time. There are at least ten pairs of clothes in her closet that she bought more than a year ago that still have the tags on them. I mean come on, why waste the money? She claims that she is better with finances than I am, and generally speaking she does get the bills paid on time, except she does it with my money. I pay more than her in the relationship, bills cost more than out rent. Rent is all she pays for. She then gets mad at me for not having enough money, not having had worked enough hours. (I do 40 at least a week. Sometimes up to 60) I have had single pay checks for more than what I make all month generally. Its just too much on my shoulders. I can't barely stand up anymore.

And on top of all this I have to be the peace keeper. I have to calm her down, I have to do all the emotional work in the relationship because she would rather detach herself from the situation. GRRR!!

Oh gosh I can feel it already. I am about to get yelled at because the ex is still in the picture. Crap...

This has got to be one of the most toxic relationships I have ever seen.

#1 Stop paying HER rent. If she wants to live there she can pay it.
#2 Stop giving her money, if she wants to go shopping, she can get a job.

You are most definitley her sugar daddy. From everything I have read, she has no plans to move you in and spend your life together. She's happy milking you of all of your money, pride and self esteem.

You are never going to be truly happy in this relationship, if you can even call it a relationship.

You are just throwing money out of the window paying her rent and giving her shopping money. This relationship will truly never be a happy one.

Not yelling,but stop going round in circles and find a solution-even if that means you walk away.

Seriously,that's what you should do.

Does her ex even know that the two for you are a couple?

Her ex does know, this is why he is still around. He is trying to push me away. He has been trying for a long time. He has known about us since December of 2008 when she all of a sudden got pregnant without them having had sex. Oops. But seriously if I were him I'd have kicked her out a long long time ago. He needed her there to keep afloat though. He can't pay his house payment and truck payment without her rent money. Actually he is talking about getting rid of his truck now because he just can't afford it. Honestly if he'd go out and get another job he'd be better off but I don't really even care if a bus runs over him to be honest.

Its all fine an dandy to walk away, that I can do without too much hassel. Problem is staying away, not melting when she crys. I can't stand up for myself otherwise. The only thing I can do is leave. (not saying that that is what I am doing, not saying that is my only choice at this time. I am saying that it's the only way I can stnd up to her). I am too weak to stand my groud with her.

My suggestion is to tell her that you will stop paying the rent and stop funding her shopping sprees until you get married. Also that she will have to get a job and help support the family.

You are not her Mr. Moneybanks. This is YOUR money that YOU make at YOUR job. She does not rule your life. You will no longer pay rent on an apartment that you are not on the lease, nor live at that address. If she is on the lease it is her responsibility to make the rent payments. Not you.

She needs to get her shopping under control as well. Make her take back those outfits with the tags on them and use that money to pay bills.

That's a good idea j9. Thanks. I hope I can stand up to her. Otherwise this is just going to be another one of our stupid fights.

Either you stand up to her or you continue to be her doormat. When I was growing up, this kind of man was called p****whipped!

Ouch... tough love, I know...

ouch..... tough love, I know...

Tough love or truth? Take a look in the mirror, what do you see?

Me being a door mat. What else. Also I'd like to add to this a little. When we discussed the money issue today she said I am just not fighting with you about your money anymore. Its your money and you can decide whether you are going to give me any at all or how much. I will not tell you what I want anymore... That is her way of making me feel bad but honestly that is what I wanted all along so I don't really feel bad at all lol.

Dude, all I can say is that must be some magical booty.

She somehow has cast a spell on you. You are miserable, and cannot see what we see. You are not living there because of the dog? She is treating her little dog better than you.

Life does not have to be this hard.

I do haveto say the booty isn't anything short of magic. But sex is something I can live without. I did so for 8 months, I can do it much longer if it is my choice.

Its not that she treats the dog better than me, she would leave it if it weren't for her daughter. Its her dog, and she would be extremely heart broken if she lost it.

Man kids can cause a lot of hassel. I love the kids though, they are another reason I want to work it out. Her daughter and I get along so well and she has deep affection for me, it killed her to have to leave me in Tennessee. She bawled for hours. My girlfriend was trying to be strong but she too was miserable. I think more over because it killed her daughter. (emotionally)

But on a different note she likes to hold the kids over my head too. I hate that she uses them as a weapon. Every time we get really bad she pulls me back in knowing that the thing I want most (aside from a loving wife) is a family. She knows that she can use them to get to me. We are the same in that aspect. I know that her kids love me and when she is having issues I use that to remind her that it is worth working out.

We are in a constent battle back and forth with a few neurtral moments in between. Sometimes I wish I could print all this off so I didn't haveto voice it and she could know exactly how I feel, not the dulled down version.

Joe,I think you need a holiday and some serious thinkingtime.

A break might not be a bad idea.

Should I make her pay for a hiking trip for me:) hiking seems to be the only thing that clears my mind lately. I want to go back to the islands where my father and I stayed a few days the summer before I met her. But this time I'd like to go alone, just be there by myself and think. Without the distraction of the sound of cars, a radio, people talking an influencing me to do this or that. Without all the problems today's normal society has. Just a nice, quiet, stay on an empty island.
How nice it was, how nice it'll be to be there alone. She said she was going to pay for it already, I doubt she will though. I do need some time to clear my head, after tonight's talk, I may just tell her I want to be alone for a few days. I just was alone, it was torture, but this one will be by my choice. I know she will call me like three hundred times. If I don't answer she will come over and figure out why I'm not answering. Too bad I won't be there.

She is going to hate me for this, but amicon, you are right. I need to get away for a bit. If not a break in the relationship a break from the relationship. I can take time to myself and enjoy being me for a few days and then decide what is best for my future.

Go for it-and go incommunicado-total radiosilence. :-)

Like how you put that. It's a great idea and I am going to do it whether she likes it or not. I will spend the night with her tonight because we have been apart for over a week and we do miss each other, but starting Wednesday morning I am going on a hiadus from reality! I am not going to be found and my cell phone won't get service where I am going anyway hehe.

God I hate what I am pretty sure is about to happen. I just don't want to lose her. I keep remembering the good feeling I get from her half the time. Its so powerful. The bad feelings are just as powerful though... I already feel kind of lonely, I am getting that sinking feeling just knowing what is about to happen...

On top of that the ring was so expensive! I'm not going to get it back either, her grandmother's ring helped pay for it slightly... I worked mty @$$ off for that thing!

Look forward to your break,and live in the moment.

As for rings,I don't know what the law says where you are;where I come from,legally it should be given back.

Legally it should be, yes. However I will not make her give it back. I mean her grandfather smithed the ring she traded in for it. He put his heart and soul into that ring and I regret ever having traded it in at all. I would never make her give whatever piece she still has of them up. Even if it did cost me $2,100.00 USDA. You have no clue how much overtime that was, to pay it off in three months... Crazy. But even if things do end, I don't regret buying that for her, I will always love her and think that she deserves the best out of life.

She may,but so do you,don't you think?

Man kids can cause a lot of hassel.

Not if you are in a REAL relationship.



But on a different note she likes to hold the kids over my head too.

red flag #1


I hate that she uses them as a weapon.

red flag #2


Everytime we get really bad she pulls me back in knowing that the thing I want most (aside from a loving wife) is a family.

red flag #3


She knows that she can use them to get to me.

red flag #4

Do I need to go on?



We are in a constent battle back and forth with a few neurtral moments in between.

Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like? A constant battle? Well, it's going to be. Children should NEVER be used as pawns in relationships. Think of the damage that is being done to these children by using them to keep your relationship afloat. It's not a healthy environment for them.

It's very hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who is bipolar. Take into consideration your depression, that makes having a healthy relationship with a bipolar individual nearly impossible.You are only 24 years old Joe, you still have many years to find love and someone who will love you for who you are, not how much you make. She's milking from not only you, but the government as well. I don't have much respect for someone who is getting money from the government when they can get off their butts and get a job.

I totally agree with you about her getting a job. She isn't really milking the government though, she is granted that money for the kids' dissabilities. Not to mention childsupport. I think she gets way too much for childsupport, but it is what it is on that one. Their dad makes plenty to pay for it.

But yes, I have to say it is time for a big change. If she can't change with me then she is going to be left behind. I need to move forward with my life and for the last year and a half all I have been doing is sitting still. I take one step forward and ten steps back because of her. I can blame her too, though I too am to blame as the choices I have made have been excedeingly stupid and insane.

I'm just glad I am back in my home town so that when things do go south I have security. I am not going to be left out somewhere where I don't know anyone.

Your solution is very simple, you keep your money in your pocket, live in your own place, and give her nothing until she can at least be committed, and can live within her means.

Who cares if she gets mad. There just ain't that much love in the world to have to go through this BS. Pay for your own retreat, and enjoy it. Guys are always going fishing to breathe the air, and get away from the stress.

I see no reason a single guy like yourself should be stuck on a female that thinks she can use you any way she wants too. You don't have to stand up to here, so much as you stand for yourself.

Darlin' she is milking the government if she is getting money when she is able to work. The problem here is that she's not WILLING to work. It's easier to get free money than get up and go to work 40 hours a week.

Joe, if you don't know me by now, you soon will. I call 'em as I see 'em. I'm not one to sugar coat anything. Even with my patients.

She is using the government to get money so she doesn't have to get off her duff. She is using you to fill in where the government doesn't give her as much as she needs to get by.

You are her sugar daddy. She knows how to push your buttons by using the children against you. She is your superior (in years). She is a leech. She leeches off the government, she leeches off you, and she leeches off her ex with child support. What better life could any person want?

Whenever you grow balls and try to be independent with your life and/or your money, she uses her children to make you feel guilty. You pay her rent, yet you don't live there, heck, you aren't even on the lease!

It's time to grow a backbone dude! Face it, you are p-whipped. She can open her legs and you will give her whatever her heart desires even if it puts your health in jeopardy.

You are #1, you need to look out for you. Sure, you bought her this expensive ring, but does she appreciate it? Nah, she's just there to control you and get you to do her bidding.

Grow a backbone... grow some balls and tell her that you can't keep being her sugar daddy. She's going to have to pay her own rent, you don't owe her anything, you aren't the father of her children... THANK GOD!

I'm starting to wonder if she's actually compliant with her meds.

Tal, I know. I know bud. I'm going to try. I will stand up for me. And I will make sure she knows I am in control of me and my money. I was kidding about her paying for the hiking trip. I just don't know if I am ready to give up on her you know.

I just don't know if I am ready to give up on her ya know.

Then tell us why you want to stay in such a toxic relationship.

She does take her meds religiously. She isn't dumb, she knows what would happen to her if she didn't take them. She knows what would happen to everyone around her. Without her medication, she is so enraged all the time that she is super violent, or super sad. Those are her only two moods in full on bi-polar mode.

I am p-whipped but not by the p itself. I am p-whipped by tenderness. I do not enjoy sex nearly as much as I enjoy a good long cuddle. (this is why she will only cuddle sometimes. Not because she doesn't like it, but because I really only want that and she can use it. If she is cold, then I am not as happy as usual.)

j9, I just want to keep her. The person she is rocks, but the person she is to me is not that awesome at times. To people she doesn't know, she is the nicest person you will ever meet. Matter of fact if you met her without having met me first, and then heard what I had to say, you'd never for a second think we were talking about the same person.

j9, I just wanna keep her. the person she is rocks, but the person she is to me is not that awesome at times. To people she doesn't know, she is the nicest person you will ever meet. Matter of fact if you met her without having met me first, and then heard what I had to say, you'd never for a second think we were talking about the same person.

There are lots of nice wonderful people out there but whether they are right for you is another question. I came out of a relationship with a woman with kids recently. The problem doesn't just end there with the finances, there will be other problems that you will face (i.e, kids, her ex). Be glad that you couldn't move in just yet because potentially it could cost you more in the long run. My situation wasn't as bad as yours but I was able to see the redflags and ended it early. You've been with her for two years so I can see it's a little hard to absorb all the advices that we are giving you. Too much has been invested but the sooner you can get out and cut your losses the happier you will be. Just my 2 cents.

You are all probably right. I have this gut wrenching feeling though that I may be making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving her (if I do that is.) I just don't know the future and I don't want to miss out if she is the one you know. If there even is a such thing as "the one". I just don't know, I got to take some time to myself. I should leave today but I will wait till tomorrow. Anyway I got to sleep, I'm super tired. I'll be back later to see what everyone has said.


By the way, thank you all so much for your input. I can tell that you care for sure.

You are a romantic at heart, but much too needy in that you put up with a lot to get so little. But you will tire of being kicked in your arse repeatedly by a more experienced conniver. You're an easy target for such people. She probably loves you a lot, but her needs and wants come first, and in cash.

You want love? Love yourself.

. . . but the person she is to me is not that awesome at times. To people she doesn't know, she is the nicest person you will ever meet.
Shouldn't that be the other way around?

If she was the one, she'd treat you as such.

Most relationships that last, are all about being able to put up with the worst we find in our partners, because any one can enjoy the good. Real life involves both.

Act like a man, and people have no choice but to treat you like one. And your finding out an important fact of life, EXPERIENCE counts, that's why she can stay a step and a half ahead of you emotionally, and mentally. That's why she tells you what to do with your money, where you live, and how much work you have to do. Age may not be nothing but a number, but experience is everything. You are out gunned.

I just think once you man up and stand for yourself, your life will get better. With, or without her. She is who she is! Who are YOU?

Seems like everything is an excuse to her..

She can't work because she's bi-polar. I'm sorry, but she can still work at McDonalds :) She can still hold some type of job. Maybe not Corp. Executive, but she can still hold a job. Plus.. In this day and age, there are a lot of thing out there to help people with Bi-Polar Depression. I don't know if she is, or has looked into any type of medication, but it would definitely help.. Maybe even some support groups. Mental diseases I know are very important, but no longer are they a crutch.

She won't let you move in over a dog? I love my dog too... but I don't think I would not allow my boyfriend to live with me if I couldn't have my dog. She needs to tell her ex good bye. She needs stand up for her own relationship with you and do what's right. Allowing him to blackmail her with a dog is a bit ridiculous, and a lame excuse to not allow you to move in.

As for the kids.. I can understand that.. But who's the adult? Better yet.. Who's the parent? Her kids are going to dictate her relationship with you? I don't have kids, so maybe I'm not sure what the proper protocols are, but if she loved you.. she'd MAKE it work.

She's using you. In every way possible, she's using you. She's taking you for granted and treating you like you're an idiot. You're paying for a house you do not own. You should thank your lucky stars that YOU'RE NOT on the lease.. She won't allow you to live with her because of a dog. She expects you to trust her with her Ex who comes over as he pleases. This relaionship is turning into a complete disaster.

Maybe not break up with her.. but back off... back off completely. She needs to pay her own rent. She needs to buy her own food.. She needs to ditch the ex.. she needs to either take the dog, or leave the dog.. not letting this lag out. Seriously, how long does it take to save you for a deposit? Deposts are what... $800 at the most? I've never seen any animal deposit more than $800... And couldn't you take the dog until she can? She needs to find a job and keep it.. Even if it is McDonald's.. Because it shows she is responsible.. Even if its part time.

What type of advise would you give if someone was in this type of situation? Would you honestly tell someone else to just hold on and it'll be OK eventually? I bet not.

Who am I? That's a good question. I stood my ground, I went hiking today. I didn't want to stay up there but I am not talking to her for the night at least. I'm just thinking, lots and lots of thoughts. Getting my mind clear, finding the answers. That's what I need to do. I talked to her last night about the fact that our relationship is way too volitile to get married this year. I told her I needed time to think about things. Told her that we need to do something about it and that I would talk to her about it after I got back from my trip. I'm still clueless about what I'll say, but I learned today that I want it to work. I have to get her to do for me though, and I am going to be more in control. She is going to have to handle it.

Its tough.

She can't work because she's bi-polar. I'm sorry, but she can still work at McDonalds :) She can still hold some type of job. Maybe not Corp. Executive, but she can still hold a job. Plus.. In this day and age, there are a lot of thing out there to help people with Bi-Polar Depression. I dont know if she is, or has looked into any type of medication, but it would definately help.. Maybe even some support groups. Mental diseases I know are very important, but no longer are they a crutch.


OK, again, she wants to work and she can work. She just isn't looking for a job. (actually she wanted me to pick up all the applications and I told her if she wanted a job she was going to have to go out and get one herself.) Its more like she just doesn't make any time to go get a job. I'll talk to her about this though.

She has no need to get a job as long as you keep financing her ;)

Keep marriage out of the question until you work out all of your issues. In fact she should have a job and be contributing financially to the household.

I would also suggest you two have some couple counseling before you get married as well.
Don't back down!

I suggest no marriage, I suggest an end to relationship.

Good luck you chose to stay with her. Of course it is your life and your future.

Best wishes.

I am choosing to try and work things out. I am all but done at this point and if there is a relationship to save I will try and do whatever I can to save it. I am a very committed person... or blinded. But I am very skeptical at this point and I am keeping a close eye on the situation.

You know, she may be a queen to you, and that's all fine and dandy. But she needs to treat you like a king, and not the court jester.

" Hey, pick me up an application on your way home from a 12 hour shift." " And don't stop to spend any money on yourself. I'll be busy shopping..."

This would chap my butt.

It really doesn't have to be this hard.

. . . she wants to work and she can work. She just isn't looking for a job. . .
Lol come on guy, are you even reading what you're writing? If she wanted to work, she'd be looking for a job!

. . . actually she wanted me to pick up all the applications and I told her if she wanted a job she was going to have to go out and get one herself.
She knew you would say that, that's why she asked. She has no intention to work.

You're going to do what you're going to do, I hope it works out for you, seriously. Good luck.

If she isn't treating you like a king than she shouldn't be treated like a queen... and actually this relationship sounds toxic. I think if you don't resolve this either by letting her know her laziness is unacceptable or by ending the relationship, you are going to build up a lot of resentment towards this girl over the years. You are going to end up feeling cheated out of life, and that you could have done so much more than just work/sleep to pay the bills for this girl. The resentment/anger you build up over the years will result in a terrible ending, believe me.

J_9 agrees : She's a lazy demanding woman and she needs a real man to put her in her place.

JudyKayTee agrees : Agreed - and she needs someone her own age, someone who has the experience/knowledge to deal with her and her nonsense.

These are some very wise words, and the best insights you will get. I will only add, instead of one day of "hiking", take THREE! (Thats how long it takes for a guy to clear his head!) Get my drift?

Yes, I agree the woman needs someone closer to her age. But she can wrap this young man around her finger and she has.
I think a man her age or older would not put up with her.

She has found a kindhearted man in Larken85 and she is milking him.

Has anyone else read OP's other posts? This is not as simple as it may seem. The story goes back and forth.

This person goes back and forth between being the fiancé and the girlfriend. The relationship certainly has its ups and downs.

I am also not sure that isn't the first sexual relationship and that can be the reason OP doesn't/won't/can't leave.

I think OP's head is in the sand.

These are some very wise words, and the best insights you will get. I will only add, instead of one day of "hiking", take THREE! (Thats how long it takes for a guy to clear his head!) Get my drift?

Actually I am sure there is a hidden joke there but I got no idea what it is... I guess I am clueless.

Like I said, I am not giving up on her, I will make her change for me. She will or she'll get lost that is.

You can not make anybody change who they are. Nice try bud but will not work. If you have to change somebody then it is already over. They need to change on their own. You can stand up and be a man. And have your voice heard. That does not mean you can force somebody to change.

Again you can not make anybody change.. The only person you can change is yourself and how you deal with this situation.

JH makes a very good point , the thing is if your with someone that you have to change , why would you be with them in the first place??

Same reason a woman wants you to quit smoking. Same reason she wants you to dress better or look more presentable. Because they can and will if they want the relationship to thrive. I have stopped smoking, I have changed my appearance, and I got to say the girl does good work. Some changes are not bad.

Never ever expect a person to change for the relationship. If they do, great! But you can't ask, or expect, them to change. They will do it on their own free will if they choose to do so. If hounded to change, you've lost the relationship.

Of course I will not hound. I will lead by example. Stand up for myself and stop certain bad habits. She will then choose to change to fit me better. I know her well and if there is one thing I know it's that she isn't about to let me go easily. She will fight and change to stay with me by her own choice.

Everyone keeps saying the same thing over and over...

If this girl really loved you, she'd respect you more. She would ask for help, not demand it. She would be actively looking for a job. Jobs are tough to come by these days, she should at least be looking.. That's all you can ask for. Her not personally getting the Apps her self is saying volumns.

She has no respect for you. She treats you like $h!t and says I love you at the same time. That's not a healthy relationship. You both blame her disease... I'm sorry, but a disease doesn't cause you to be manipulative and mean, which is what she is. There is always an excuse to every question. And trust me, she is not going to change herself to be with you. She's going to have to WANT to change for her own personal goals. And if that happens to be getting married to you, then she's going to have a tough road ahead of her.

But I'm sure you'll be like the rest of the love sick puppies and apologize for being an @$$ and go about your business like usual.

Please make the smart choice for yourself. Don't worry about her, worry about YOU. You are all you have at the end of each day. No one else... Just you.

Threads merged

Just wondering and fearing. There is a possibility that my relationship may end soon here. This is going to (and pretty much already is by just the possibility of it) rip me to pieces. I am so scared of it and if it happens I don't know if I can even endure it. I am not going to give the reasons behind the possibility (as they were in all of the other posts) and the other is a little embarrassing. My question is this, how long is it going to take for me to heal? I love her more than life itself and honestly I feel like I will be nothing without her. I feel like I am standing on this edge looking over a cliff, every moment I lean just a little more forward. When I look down I can invision myself plunging to the ground and being crushed by it so much so that no one could put the pieces back together. There is a chance the wind will not blow me off the ledge but there is a chance it will. I am super scared of this. But if it does happen, how long will I suffer?

Sometimes we just have to walk away even though its heartbreaking.

If that's what you're planning on doing,you have to stay focused and should go no contact and stick to it.

There is great advice in the stickies and you have us, your cyber supportgroup.
We're not all in the same timezone so mostly somebody will be online to offer help and guidance.


As for your question,I can't tell you how long it will take.

We are all different and it just takes the time it takes.

Personally ,but that's me,it has taken me between two and six months.

Working actively on healing is a must,as,in my opinion,is no contact-a detox and eventually a fresh start and a new life.

amicon, you're right. I am not planning on walking away but if the worst happens I am going to. I can't stand the relationship to take another bad turn. This is just the last try you know, if what I am fear does happen, there is nothing left for me to do but leave. I hate it, but I also know that I have to do it if that were to happen.

I know it'll kill me but I just don't even know how to survive without her. I won't hold on to the relationship if it should happen. (ok I got to explane I guess.) She is thinking that she is going to lose her apartment and if she does she is going to move back to her home state, Florida. I just told her that I am not moving down there, even if she goes I can't bring myself to do that type of thing again. I told her that I am not willing to move from my home state again.

That maybe I would later in life but I couldn't even promise her that my mind will change at all. I told her that she has to think about the fact that I may never be willing to move there and that if that is something that is a deal breaker she has a choice to make. I am not being stubborn, I love her, but if we were to move there and she left me, I would have nothing, I would have no one and no where to go. I just can't take that risk.

She has yet to tell me what she thinks about all that, but the point is the same. There is a 50/50 chance that this might happen, and if it does, I know I won't last with a long distance relationship with her because at the moment we have been far too volitile. Add distance to that and its just not going to work. Besides I need touch, I need time. These are things that would always be lacking. And there is no way in heck I am marrying a person that doesn't even live in the same state as me.

Am I being too bullheaded about moving? She told me she would never ask me to leave my family again, though she would want me to come with her. I just can't leave this state, I love it so much and I have no clue whether I would even like Florida, let alone love it.

I guess that is where this thread was going to lead... I can see her point too though. Her kids dad is down there and the trips to meet half-way are super expensive not to mention a huge pain in the rear. Plus their dad would get to see them more and vise versa. And lastly all of her foster family lives there, and I know she would want to live there again. The reason she moved her in the first place was just a stupid one at that, but she wants to stay and stay with me too. But with no where to go, she doesn't have much of a choice. This is why it would have been better for me to have had my own place...

Guess we wrote our own death warrents for this relationship. This relationship has become for too much of a challenge to add distance to the mix. I love her but I can't be frustrated 24/7 and certainly not in an unfamiliar place at that.

God this just sucks so bad. I stop giving her cash and she can't foot the rent. Now she is going to have to leave state. I can't win.

My biggest worry though, is that I am going to die a long, painful, lonely death filled with years and years of pure misory...

You can not win because you keep defeating yourself.

It is all in your out look and your only out look depends on somebody that does not even care for you.

Stop paying the rent, it is up to her to start taking care of herself and you need to take care of yourself as well.

She needs to stop relying on your own paycheck, when she is quite capable of making her own money but does not want to because she thinks she will get less cash out of the government.

Your making your life miserable all on your own for excepting this behavior and staying in an arrangement relationship that is going no where.

STOP being so dependent on somebody else for your happiness. Maybe your just addicted to sadness, because that is all your focused on and that is all your going to get until you change your attitude.

amicon, you're right. I am not planning on walking away but if the worst happens I am going to. . .
What might that be? Cheating?

I speak for myself, but when I'm the one to cut ties, it's a little easier on my ego and I can recover faster, but not much faster. The real benefit of being the dumper is that I'll have proof that I am strong enough to act when things go south; it's better for my ego in the long-run. I've found that my average time-line to heal is nine months no matter how long the relationship lasted. Obviously, I can't tell you yours, but it's the best answer I could give.

Anyway, with all this negative energy you have about the relationship, you can bet she feels the same way. Trying to save this one will be an uphill battle. The right thing to do would be to walk away like amicon said.

Just because the chapter in your life seems to be ending, doesn't mean another is not coming.

I don't see you as losing. Just making the necessary adjustments for yourself. Never be afraid to do that.

If there were a "matters-of-the-heart" doctor, that could write a prescription for your happiness, that doctor would probably let it work out that she leaves, and you go on to find love elsewhere.

I'm sorry, but this is not getting you anywhere fast.

Love should not be as hard as this.

As far as the "mourning" period, that varies from person to person. But I can tell you that life does go on.

Who knows what you will be doing one, three, five years down the road? You can be, and do whatever you wish to be, and do. If you want to be miserable, then that is a shame, and a terrible waste of time. But if you want to be happy, and stay happy, then go find it.

Not many people are so lucky to keep the first love in their lives. Yes, it does happen, but more times than not, we revisit love time and time again before we find the one we eventually marry.

My Daddy taught me a long time ago, "If it don't fit, don't force it."

Good luck to you.

Dude you are being way too dramatic.
I think this is the best thing for you, this is the answer to your dilemma and I think you know this.
This lady is going where it will be easy. You are showing some brawn and she knows her cash cow may be drying up. She is looking out for herself.
You will soon be free to heal and move on with your life and the longer she is gone the more you are going to realize how trapped you were.
I see good times and happiness for you

God this just sucks so bad. I stop giving her cash and she can't foot the rent. now she is going to have to leave state. I can't win.


So you can't afford to keep her and she's just going to scoot off , doesn't the relationship mean enough to her to get off her Butt and get a Job , certainly doesn't sound like it? Sorry for being cynical but I think this is her attempt to blackmail you into giving her money for the rent again , I could be wrong but don't fall for it.




My biggest worry though, is that I am going to die a long, painful, lonely death filled with years and years of pure misory...

You'll be fine , it'll hurt for a while but I honestly believe it's worth this hurt so you can get your life on track and then down the line you'll meet someone you can have a functional Relationship with.

And don't forget we'll all be here to help you through it Larken.

You have every right to fear moving into a different state with someone. If the relationship is shaking on rocks in the first place, things need to be fixed before a long-term commitment is going to be made.

Why is her only option to move back to Fl. Do you not matter? Why can't the two of you figure something out? If she loved you, she wouldn't dangle that in front of you as a threat. There are other apts in your area I'm sure... why does she need to move if she loses this one?

Everything just seems so wrong when you talk about this relationship. You love this girl. I can see it in how you write.. but she's also got you by the balls tight.

If you're paying her bills, how is she losing the apt? Did you not just recently decide not to pay her rent? Sorry, but you don't lose your home after one pmt not being made.

This relationship is way to confusing. She's trapping you. She's smothering you and now she's threatening you.

I think the ball should be in your court, not hers. Its her decision to move back home... but you should be a deciding factor in that, not an apt. How shallow is that?

Maybe she needs to leave. She needs to go latch onto someone else and let you be free. Stop suffocating yourself!

What she's saying is you can't afford me and if you want this relationship to work, you better have enough money to support me and my kids and I don't care how you do it.

You can keep giving her money but you know darn well that this relationship is not sustainable long term unless you won't the lottery or something.

I suggest next time taking thing slower and know what you get yourself into. If you listen to Jlo. True Love is not suppose to cost a thing.





Love Don't Cost A Thing Lyrics


Think you got to keep me iced
You don't
Think Im going to spend your cash
I won't
Even if you were broke
My love don't cost a thing
Think I want to drive your benz
I don't
Think I want to floss I got my own
Even if you were broke
My love don't cost a thing

When you rolled up in the escalade
Saw that truck you gave to the valet
Knew that it was game when you looked at me
Pulling up your sleeve so I could see the rolley bling
Saw you later in the corner booth
Raising up a toast so I would notice you
But your hearts a mess
Think you out of know
Doesn't matter if you're balling out of control

2 - all that matters is
That you treat me right
Give me all the things I need
That money can't buy yeah

Repeat 1

When I took a chance
Thought you'd understand
Baby credit cards aren't romance
So you're tryna buy what's already yours
What I need from is not available in stores
Seen a side of you that I really feel
Doing way too much, never keep it real
If it doesn't change, got to hit the road
Now Im leaving, wheres my keys?
Ive got to go

I have to say I really hate Jlow, sorry lol. Reason we're losing the apartment is because I used all of my money on me and she used all of her money to transsport her kids to see their dad over spring break. It means that we are one full month late on the rent and we are waiting for my money and her money to come back in. We have figured out that we can make it, even though we are going to be strapped for cash for the next two months... I know I know...

You keep blaming yourself for this... Yep your to blame because you are the one that continues to be suckered.

You mean after all that gloom and doom talk, and everyone actually being happy for you, you still are waiting to get some money to help her out? Unbelievable! This will happen again dude, for sure. She will keep you broke.

So when did you actually stop helping her out financially?

After everything is said and done, whether you both get the pmt in on time or not... She is still threatening to leave you completely by moving back to FL if she loses the apt.

In other words, she's not going to try and make it work if everything falls apart.

Why do you want to be with someone like that?

Seriously, you deserve the pain if you're going to be this blind!

Wow hold on, she isn't threatening to leave me completely, she won't have much of a choice. Of course I would get another place and then she'd just move in before I'd let her just go back to FL. She doesn't want to go back to FL and she needs my help to stay. She doesn't make enough money to do it on her own and I am willing to provide her with what she needs. I stopped giving her money a few weeks ago, but now am regretting it because it was a very bad time to do so. So I am going to help her keep her place for the next two months and then it is up to her. Two months out of my life isn't that much to help someone I love even if she is the main cause of stress in my life.

She isn't just saying it to get money out of me either, she honestly needs the help here and I am going to help her as I feel a slightly to blame for her current position. She is going to pay me back when she can get ahold of her dad and tap into her annuity. (her foster dad that is in really bad shape with cancer). Another reason that going back to Florida isn't the worst thing in the world to her.

And she wants to try and work it out if she does move down and I don't right away, she wants to try the long distance relationship if we have nothing else we can do (of course I wouldn't be sending her a dime on a normal basis.) But that's where I draw the line, if she moves down there its over because I do not want a long distance relationship. And I am not willing to move down to FL at this junction in my life. That's all there is to it and she is going to be crap out of luck if she does move down there because I will leave her and I told her that clear as day.

She is trying her off to figure out a way to pay all the bills and rent and I am helping but there is only so much I can do for her. She is demanding that I do not pay my mother rent though and that is ticking me off as my mother already wants me out and I'm sure I shouldn't push her buttons. She suggested that I stay with a friend of mine but I said why not let me move in?

Gave me the same old Jack story and all that. I donno if I can say let me move in or get no more of my money and that includes rent this month. I know I should say that and if I were a real man I would, but christ its so hard to put her in that position for me. I just hate making her make chioices she isn't ready to make... So frustrating. But I did have to defend her a bit, she isn't as heartless as I have made her seem to be. She is greedy and spoiled rotten, but she is not an evil using sadistic person. She just needs to grow up a bit.

She didn't like when I told her she needed to grow up but I'm hoping she took it to heart. Anyway, that's what it is and I'm not arguing with anyone, I just wanted to make sure that every knows she isn't just doing this for her own sick pleasure. She honestly feels like everything that has happened has had to happen. Though I disagree with her on that, I have to be willing to accept her for who she is if this is ever to work.

One excuse after another. It will never be a good time to grow some balls.

SHE NEEDS TO HELP HERSELF.

She will never help herself and no she is not trying. Lots of changes then from a couple of days.

Sorry but whatever it is as others have said is toxic and your blind and you can not see that your enabling and prolonging everything.

Your choice, good luck.

I thought she didn't have a job?

I thought you couldn't afford her life style?

I thought she was still connected with her ex due to a dog?

I thought you were going to cut her off from your money?

Seems like she got everything she wanted. You broke. She threatened to you with leaving to FL and look, your peeling off the benjamins claiming that you want to help her.

You're either with her or your not. You're either her sugar daddy, or your not. Stop shifting from one side to the other. Its confusing.

She said she was going to move back to FL if she lost the apt. That doesn't sound to me like she is wanting to work things out with you, or find an apt within her budget.

Stop making excuses for the both of you.

You're right lucky. I should just shut up and deal with this the best way I know how. Going back and forth like this is just abusing this advice forum. I will figure it out and deal with it the best way I know how. Thanks for all of your advice everyone.

I don't mean to sound rude or be disrespectful in any way, but if your as confusing with her like you are on here, then you're definitely sending a lot of mixed signals.

You pulled back all your money from her, she can't financially support herself, she says she's going to move back to fl, now you're going to help her out?? Who just won that battle? Her!

Its not a case of making it work on your own, you need to be in a relationship where she respects you just as much as you respect her. Its unbalanced right now. You can't let her go, so you gave in and are giving out your money again. Why not look for a new apt that she can afford. If she needs help every once in awhile, that's fine. Just don't pay her bills month after month. She may not be abusing you on purpose, but she is definitely taking great advantage of your hospitality and trust.

Maybe you need to go back and read all your posts. Not the comments people left with their opinion or advise, but what you wrote. Maybe read it a couple times. Maybe you'll realize that she's not the best match for you. Maybe you'll realize you need to approach things differently. Maybe you won't realize anything.

Life is nothing but hard knocks, but only if you let it. You can save just about any relationship... it all comes down to tactic, and if the other person is willing. If she wants to leave you to move to fl once the apt is gone, then I truly am sorry. She didn't deserve you in the first place. It just doesn't sound like she wants to make this work. The lease drops and she's gone? Aren't you a bit concerned that she's even thinking like that?? I know I would be devistated knowing the only thing keeping someone I love and care for deeply around is an apt lease.

And once again, sorry if I come off as being a jerk.

I know you are right in what you say. But because I don't want to lose her no matter if its hurting me or not (because I am a glutton for punishment) I am not leaving her. And If I do not want to hear the break up with her advice I really shouldn't ask for it you know. And honestly lets face it, I'll keep posting back and forth like this until you all hate me and I like you guys so I would rather that not happen.

I can figure things out on my own, this site has really be a crutch for me though and every time I get mad I jump strait on. Its childish really. I have wasted all of your times and I am just going to stop complianing so much.

You know the saying, quit complaining if you don't want help. Or something like that. It works the same either way. So yeah, I am just wasting time with this stuff now and I am sorry for that. I hope you guys and girl can forgive me for being so fickle.

Look,I think you have kept posting because you need help,which is very much OK.

What we give you is our opinions,based on what you post.

I do believe that you know your relationship isn't healthy.

What you do or don't do about it is your choice.

I know but I just feel bad because I feel like I have been wasting time here. Time that you could be giving too much more dire cases with people that are actually ready to change which I clearly am not. Honestly I am not mad or insulted in any way shape or form. I know this relationship is toxic and I know it is going to end badly. But I for some reason can't bring myself to get rid of her.

Maybe some day all this love I have in my heart can be given to someone who deserves and respects it but at the moment I am choosing to give it to her. Don't ask me why, I don't know why, but that's what I am doing and I don't want to stop. I know the relationship is hurtting me too, but I have no desire to let her go unless I feel that there is no way to continue to make things better. And things have gotten a little better over time so in my heart it will eventually work out, it doesn't matter what my mind says, its not the most powerful thing controlling me.

I usually think I am a very logical person but honestly thinking abuot all this there is no logic in what I am doing. But for some reason I just can't listen to my own logic. The red flags I and everyone else see don't matter to me because she makes perfectly reasonable excuses. She is either the worlds best lier or she is telling the truth about things. I have never really known her to lie to me so I don't know how she lies. Hate to say it but this entire relationship could be a lie and I wouldn't know because I don't know when or if she is lying. It'd be kind of nice if she would lie to me so I could catch her in that lie and then from that opint forward I would know her lying tendencies.

But until that day happens I have to choose to give her the benefit of the doubt because when she say it it makes perfect sense. God I'm an idiot.

But this is why I want to quit wasting your time, I will go back and forth like this until the end so this post would get to be the longest one in history and you all would be like this guy is hopeless. And its true, I am hopeless, I know I am, but I don't want to fix it. She can make me so happy at times that I just forget about every single thing she has ever done to make me doubt her.

Most people think that one wrong trumps all good but in her case it is totally opposite. One good trumps all wrong. Not that she does a lot of things wrong, its more that she doesn't give more of herself than anything else. She always keeps me some distance away and it gets to me. Then again some people are like that too. Given her past she certainly has every right. But I don't forgive her for that. If it is something like that then she needs to be working on it and work on being about to fully embrace the relationship.

See that, I just went back and forth in a single post. So yeah, I am just going to sort it all out on my own and chances are I am going to find a way to get over all of this lol. Like I said, hopeless. At least I can see it though right.

And the biggest problem is that I need to want to change and I just don't want to change at all. I need to want to leave and I need to want to get over her but I don't WANT any of that. I want it to work and thus my entire being is trying to make it work. No matter if it can or not I am cumpulsed to do this. I can't stop myself actually.

This reminds of a friend of mine who told me when he has very little, while potty training, he woke up a had to "go". He walked into the bathroom and lifted the seat like his daddy taught him. Now he's a short guy, so he laid his "little buddy" up on the ring of the potty. And while he was going , he closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and then right in the middle, the seat came swinging down... WHACK!!

He said that he wouldn't EVER let that happen again. And I believe him, who would?

He claims it stunted it's growth, and it stopped growing right then and there. But he said that even to this day, he can't close his eyes while going.

Well, this relationship reminds me of him.

You just keep closing your eyes, putting your little "ding-ding" up on that cold, hard, porcelain rim to get "crimped" again.

Pretty soon, It'll cause long term damage.

Real friend, real story.

I've known it for over 40 years. It has helped me out of a lot of jams.

Maybe you're just not through yet.

Jm, that was a funny story. And it could possibly relate directly to me. I do not rule out that possibility. Of course I believe most anything is possible. And although I don't want my wiener whacked (that sounds horrible actually) I do know I'm like the second muskito to the bug zapper. I know it just killed my friend but its just too dang beautiful to stay away from.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!! !!!!:eek:

You are afraid, that's your problem. You would rather be with someone who you know is not good for you than not have her, to not have anybody.
This woman is too old and wise, she got her hooks in you good. Got you blaming yourself for her losing her apartment that you don't even live in. You say she took you back after you cheated, well yeah she would, she didn't care, you are her crutch.

You are enabling her and she is using you, and your messed up relationship is teaching her children a sad lesson on life relationships and responsibility.
But until you are ready to grow up and walk away on your own, ( like you know you need to do) there is nothing anyone here can tell you.

I respectfully unsubscribe from this thread. Larken, it seems as though you are just trying to get attention.

We have tried to help you, but you always have the same excuses.

When you are ready for a change, come back. But until then, it's my opinion that any advice we give you will go in one ear and out the other.

Good luck to you in your toxic relationship.

she is trying her off to figure out a way to pay all the bills and rent and I am helping but there is only so much I can do for her.
That's the point, without you, always helping, then she can't afford it. She only moved in the first place, if I remember right from her exes place because you were going to be sugar daddy, and live with her. That's how we got to this mess, SHE changed her mind because of her kids. All of a sudden she is concerned over the kids? No way. She already had the plan set for you to pay rent and not live with her.
CONCLUSION- She used you for getting out of the exes house, who all of a sudden was moving to Florida. One could further speculate, she has been cooking this soup for a while now.

She is demanding that I do not pay my mother rent though
More money for her.

and that is ticking me off as my mother already wants me out
So even though you have been paying rent at TWO places, you are not welcome at either? I think your mom is giving you some tough love buddy, and wants you to fall on your face, and be homeless and broke, so you will see for yourself what you are ALLOWING to be done to you.

and I'm sure I shouldn't push her buttons.


She suggested that I stay with a friend of mine but I said why not let me move in?
She doesn't want you living with her. Just paying the rent so she can shop, and take vacations and such.

You could avoid a lot of misery and pain by standing up for yourself, but NOOOOOOO! you choose the easy way out. You give in with ALL YOUR HEART! That's not love. A man sometimes have to make some hard decisions, and do some things he doesn't like to do for his love and family, but you have neither concern. This is not love, nor is it your family, but you are being fed false hope that it could be. That's not love, nor is it healthy.

You cannot afford her life, and upkeep, and yours also,

Now YOU have no place to stay, (if you don't pay your mom, who wants you out, I suspect, because of her), and without you, neither will she. (great plan so far huh!)

She gives you a cock and bull promise of getting a job in Florida, to support you while you get a job, but won't work now to support herself. At best an empty promise that you BETTER not go for. Where will you stay during all of this? With her or a cardboard box? Why would you expect to stay with her in Florida, when you can't stay with her now?

She brings up this move only to make you think this is the only solution to her problem, but its only the easy way out for her. To be fair she is right, as she already told you her plan if you don't do things her way.

Instead of going along with her plan, stick to your guns with a better plan, CALL HER BLUFF. But as another poster has pointed out, you won't make changes until your sick and tired, of being sick and tired. That happens with junkies, they look for an easier softer way to handle their problems, until they see it never gets solved until they are so beat down, they are ready to listen.

One thing my 30 years of marriage has taught me very well, is you better stand for something, or you will fall for anything. So again, I tell you to stand up for yourself, just try, and see what happens. I think that you will be surprised at the results.

After all, you want a partner, not a mother, so get some dignity and self respect, man up for YOU, and straighten this mess you have allowed to happen. She may be older, but not smarter, and you may be young, but not dumb, and despite popular belief, the man in the relationship sets the pace, and direction, of any relationship. Sure she has to help, but not rule, or she can always go wherever the freak she wants.

Just me, if she were my female, she would have my breakfast before I went to work, and dinner when I got home, to our HOME, and I wouldn't give a rats patoot if she shopped till she drops, with her allowance. Trying to sustain yourself, and her is unsustainable, and you had to know that since you have to stay with MOMMY.

But you will get tired of this crap. I like you guy a lot, and you give others some very good advice, so start using your brain a bit more (a lot actually) instead of your heart, because your inability to stand, hurts all of you.

You have to take control, because she has proven she can't.

I respectfully unsubscribe from this thread. Larken, it seems as though you are just trying to get attention.

We have tried to help you, but you always have the same excuses.

When you are ready for a change, come back. But until then, it's my opinion that any advice we give you will go in one ear and out the other.

Good luck to you in your toxic relationship.

I have been feeling the same way and thinking of unsubscribing myself. Maybe everybody in this thread should unsubscribe.

Wow... this chick really is controlling. I almost feel bad for you.

I don't understand why you continue to post. Each time the situation gets worse... never better.

What does this chick have to do to you before you decide enough is enough?

You kind of remind me of the dude in the very beginning of She's Out of my League... you're being her moodle. She could be dating some other guy in your very own house and you'd still forgive her... pathetic.

I think I'm done with this thread. Each post coming from you is getting more contridicting and stupid.

Good luck in life... hope the water doesn't get to hot... then again maybe it should. Maybe your brain will engage and you'll begin to think.

Wow... this chick really is controlling. I almost feel bad for you.

I don't understand why you continue to post. Each time the situation gets worse... never better.

What does this chick have to do to you before you decide enough is enough??

You kind of remind me of the dude in the very beginning of She's Out of my League... you're being her moodle. She could be dating some other guy in your very own house and you'd still forgive her.... pathetic.

I think I'm done with this thread. Each post coming from you is getting more contridicting and stupid.

Good luck in life... hope the water doesn't get to hot... then again maybe it should. Maybe your brain will engage and you'll begin to think.


Have you read some of the other posts? I find the information to be remarkably conflicting and can't determine what the exact situation is - I'm not sure all of this isn't a lot of drama.

I hope I'm wrong.

I also question some of "OP's" advice to others -

(Didn't I just get through saying I'm out of here? Oh, well.)

It's easier to give advice than do it yourself lol. I am sure he know what he is getting into. It's just that he can't afford it that's all. He knows it's the price he got to pay for someone who's out of his league.

Have you read some of the other posts? I find the information to be remarkably conflicting and can't determine what the exact situation is - I'm not sure all of this isn't a lot of drama.

I hope I'm wrong.

I also question some of "OP's" advice to others -

(Didn't I just get through saying I'm out of here? Oh, well.)

I think he bases his posts on how the relationship is for the day. It must be going OK right now. Shell do something mean again and hell be back crying.

So the dog lives in fl with the ex? I thought the ex came over whenever he pleases. I'm really confused.

This relationship is no longer toxic... its deadly. The op is walking down a path of pure heartbreak. Its going to hurt worse when she gets tired of him and dumps him like a dirty diaper.

Dude what? She has children by a man in Florida. She has an ex in Michigan. Was that really hard to figure that one out? She lives here, in mi, in her own apartment. And it is good days and bad days. I am very emotionally geared, dramatically so. This is the reason for my last few posts.

dude what? she has children by a man in florida. She has an ex in michigan. Was that really hard to figure that one out? she lives here, in mi, in her own apartment. And it is good days and bad days. I am very emotionally geared, dramaticly so. This is the reason for my last few posts.
Actually it is. Your thoughts are so scattered it's damn near impossible to make sense of any of this.

Good luck.

I see the problems in the relationship - she doesn't need another child and you are immature. She doesn't feel like raising you so she's going to take advantage and move on.

So the guy that keeps the dog, and comes over whenever he wants to, is not even the children's father? And THAT arrangement is keeping you from living in the apartment that you are paying for? The dog sitter? I was thinking that maybe it was the children/father time that she was trying to keep "frequent". So if she did not have a dog, you would be living there, and the ex would be out of the picture?

Stand back from the outside of this arrangement for a moment if you will. Look at it from OUR perspective. Do you see how absolutely ridiculous this is sounding to us? Can you blame us for questioning the changes in the story?

You're paying the dog's rent, and the ex is his ride. Lucky dog. It's probably a Pomeranian. He's probably licking his butt on your pillow.

And, if YOUR situation was written in here, by someone else, how would YOU respond to it? (You'd say "get the he!! out while you can", too) I know that you are usually ready to give advice, on any subject, which is quite impressive considering your age and sexual experience (admittedly only two years, or less).

You are lost, selling compasses and maps.

Can you see what we see?

If you throw something like this thread out there, be ready to get feedback from all angles. And from how THIS is developing, it's from the direction of common sense, and sound reasoning. You just cannot see it like we do. No one is saying " stick in there guy, work some overtime, and keep her". No. Not here.

At this point, you are just throwing deck chairs off the Titanic.


All I hear is "WHACK,WHACK,WHACK", the sound of that toilet seat.

I feel for you. You are in love, or at least you think you are.

She is not the one that you are going to be happy with. That's obvious.

There will always be something. And with that in mind, you should be a little more "cool-heeled".

You are going to be here for a long, long, time. And quite often.

So chill "dude".

Jm, this same thing has been said to me several times now and I keep responding the same way. I know what this sounds like, I know how stupid it is too, And I know that if it were someone else I would tell them to ditch the ___. However being the one in the situation (not trusting my own judgement and the things that I precieve) I just don't know if I am ready to make that type of change yet.

I have also told you to stop worrying about this for the present time until I am ready to make the change because at the moment it really feels like I am wasting your time. I am trying to be nice here and let everyone off without having such a battle as we were a little while ago. Honestly the fighting with me is ridiculous and childish and it needs to stop. Like the disagreeing with me just to give me a negative status, not cool, expeically not when I agreed with the last poster and they did not get a red. Not to mention that the person I agreed with gave me a red.

And you cannot disagree with me on my own post, I mean come on. If you do not like what I have to say, then go away. That's all there is to it. I needed to rant and rave about the situation, its how I blow off steam. I am sorry if this thread has upset some people, and I am sorry if you feel I have wasted your time, but as I said, You don't need to waste your time any longer. Only people that want to stick around and listen to me should stay tuned to this.

I have to say thanks to the admin Ben and Tal for getting my thread reopened. And I also just want to add that I am again sorry for causeing anyone stress. I do not mean to do this but I do not appreciate being treated like I do not deserve to be here. Or being told that I am the last person that should be giving advice. WHile I can give it, I have a much harder time taking the advice given. But anyway, I hope everyone can relax a little and realize that at the moment I am only getting stuff off my chest. (which we all need to do at one point or another) Hearing what others would do in this situation is very helpful for me too. Helps me know where I stand and what is all right for me to do.

Personally,I'm glad your thread is back.

And ,again,personally,when I feel I've given advice but it's not going anywhere,I stay away from that thread.

To me,it's that simple.
That's what the unsubscribe option is about,in my opinion.

Yes I agree amicon. You are not one of the people I was talking about. They know who they are. I even referenced things they said, she yeah, they know just who they are. And they have been reported as well. Hopefully that will stop them. But who knows.

I am glad its back too, that way I get to vent about the relationship. Eventually, if things in it do not get better or to where I want them to be, I will get tired of trying and I will move on. But its just so hard to do it right now, I've invested a lot of time into the relationship and I am just not ready to quit trying you know.

Sometimes I wish I was ready, but then I think I am making a bad mistake. And I know it may not seem like a mistake to leave, but for some reason I just feel like I am supposed to stay for now. I don't quite get why I feel like that but that is how I feel.

Like there is a purpose to me staying and continuing to love her. I don't know what is so immature about that but I don't care if its immature either. I am just following the path in which I believe to be true for the moment I guess.

yes I agree amicon. You are not one of the people I was talking about. They know who they are. I even referenced things they said, she yeah, they know just who they are. And they have been reported as well. Hopefully that will stop them. But who knows.

I am glad its back too, that way I get to vent about the relationship. Eventually, if things in it do not get better or to where I want them to be, I will get tired of trying and I will move on. But its just so hard to do it right now, I've invested a lot of time into the relationship and I am just not ready to quit trying ya know.

sometimes I wish I was ready, but then I think I am making a bad mistake. And I know it may not seem like a mistake to leave, but for some reason I just feel like I am supposed to stay for now. I don't quite get why I feel like that but that is how I feel.

Like there is a purpose to me staying and continuing to love her. I don't know what is so immature about that but I don't care if its immature either. I am just following the path in which I believe to be true for the moment I guess.

We all have our own path to follow and our own paths to walk. Hopefully this experience will help you grow as a person. It seems your calmer and more relaxed but please do not get rude about things OK. When things get rude that is when trouble brews and people get upset and frustrated on both sides.

Take care and hope you work through all these issues that you have personally and your relationship issues.

Good luck,

Joe

Joe, I really wasn't trying to be rude on that one comment. I sounded a little rude, I grant you that, but that's not how I meant it. I am sorry for offending anyone and I would like to stop the trouble from brewing.

Thank you for the take care and what not. I will learn eventually I'm sure.

Well its time to move forward from that. Time to move past it and go back to why we are all here. To learn and grow and guide each other in this life.

I've tried to be as straight with you as I can, and will continue to try and help you. I just think that you are caught between the good and the bad, and the bad is winning.

I'm actually glad they reopened this. I feel for you.

Good luck.

I am caught between the good and the bad. The goods are the best, the bads suck. I weight it back and forth all the time, trying to figure out which one wins out but once I think I figured it out it loses balance.

Our relationship is volitile to say the least. Toxic, maybe. I really hate to look at it this way but I am 24 and I have time to learn. I have the time to take from my life right now and one of my driving factors is, "How will I know if I never try" and "what if I waste taking the chance while I am still young. The older I get the less time I have and while I still have free time I can make mistakes." That's really my mindset. Its probably a bad one to have, but I've convinced myself that this is the way I want to look at things right now.

Here is a question, If she ever does let me move in, during the summer the kids will be with us as their father is not going to take them this summer. She is trying to get a job now (she filled out an application to a temp agency for part time work). If the kids are home, and she is working a few days a week, do I still have the right to take Joe time? I mean I love kayaking and Hiking, if they are all home should I feel obligated to bring them with me or is it selfish to want to go out without them?

I am kind of fearing this summer as if it is going to put a huge cramper in my free time and what not. I guess if I wasn't willing to include them in everything and stay around them all the time I should have thought about that a long time ago huh?

And its not that I mind spending time with her or the kids 90% of the time. But there is that 10% of freedom I still have and I hope it doesn't get cut down. I already feel bad for wanting to take some of our family time for myself and I haven't even talked to her about this yet. So I guess, what is your take on it? In my situation (regardless of the issues with the relationship) how would you feel about getting time to yourself. And how much time is too much time?
Generally speaking, my entire weekend day is devoted to me and the weekend nights are devoted to her. I really have no contact with the kids during this time at the moment and I am just wondering if I should feel like I have to if she is not working at the time.

The question you have to answer for yourself. Is how long are you going to keep trying until you realize the truth and that this relationship is toxic and that your just spinning your wheels and continue to spin your wheels without ever getting any where? I hope for your sake instead of always looking for the unhappy relationship and instead of continuing in something that is way too negative for you and your partner,

That maybe down the line you will actually look and want to be in a happy, loving relationship.

Nice sintimate Joe. I hope that eventually I find happiness, be it with her or another person. Happiness is my goal...

here is a question, If she ever does let me move in, during the summer the kids will be with us as their father is not going to take them this summer. She is trying to get a job now (she filled out an application to a temp agency for part time work). If the kids are home, and she is working a few days a week, do I still have the right to take Joe time? I mean I love kayaking and Hiking, if they are all home should I feel obligated to bring them with me or is it selfish to want to go out without them?

I am kinda fearing this summer as if it is going to put a huge cramper in my free time and what not. I guess if I wasn't willing to include them in everything and stay around them all the time I should have thought about that a long time ago huh?

And its not that I mind spending time with her or the kids 90% of the time. But there is that 10% of freedom I still have and I hope it doesn't get cut down. I already feel bad for wanting to take some of our family time for myself and I haven't even talked to her about this yet. So I guess, what is your take on it? In my situation (regardless of the issues with the relationship) how would you feel about getting time to yourself. And how much time is too much time?
Generally speaking, my entire weekend day is devoted to me and the weekend nights are devoted to her. I really have no contact with the kids during this time at the moment and I am just wondering if I should feel like I have to if she is not working at the time.

If you do not have any Joe time, Or you do not make your own Joe time. Your feeling bad for taking time for yourself. Well you should not, you need it, a lot more of it and truth be told that if you do not have that. Then your You will crash and burn and feel worse at summertime end.

Everybody needs there own time, and own things to do. She has her shopping and going out and spending money. Why not your time being outdoors doing what you enjoy. It is only fair don't you think. If it was me It would be a major relief having my own time.

I got to talk to her about my freedom though. I doubt very much that she will like what I have to say, but I am starting to feel a little trapped with summer coming and all. It'll be good for me to talk to her about this. She will have to deal with it. THat is something I have to stand firm on because I do need that time. And that is something that is going to have to be included in our relationship. I will talk to her about this today


We haven't had a discussion about it yet, but we are going to. And I guess before she has a chance to tell me how things are going to be I will lay down the law with this one. I am not willing to give up my personal time and if that is something that she has a problem with then she is fighting a losing battle. (of course I have no clue how she is going to respond to this talk right this second so I guess she could say yeah sure hun, whatever you want)

Ask yourself-am I happy?
Does the good outweigh the bad?

Only you can answer those questions.

I think you realise,that to most people on the outside looking in,and going by your posts,this relationship comes across as ,yes,toxic.

What you decide to do about it is of course your choice.

Agreed amicon. But its just hard to decide. Sometimes the good wins, others the bad wins. It's a cycle of constant change in mood and feelings.

A relationship should not be based on changing moods and feelings.

It should be based on if there is love there or not. If there is a solid foundation in the relationship or not. Which there is not.

Sitting on the fence all the time in your decision making is only going to make your situation only worse. A lot harder in making that decision when it comes down to the bottom of everything. That means you will always feel stuck but it will be the indecision that will keep you always in that mess.

Hmm... maybe it is time I tell her all of my feelings. Even if it hurts her... Even if I'm scared to...

I have told this to family members, people outside of my family and strangers.

That the longer you prolong things, oh and I experienced it myself too.

The longer you try to avoid confrontations with loved ones no matter who they are. The longer you try to do everything for them. The longer you keep everything inside that is making you unhappy. When you finally decide enough is enough,

And come out with everything it will be like a big time bomb and it will explode big and make you and everyone around explode as well.

The longer you leave things, believe me when the time comes to let everything out the reaction will be a 100 times worse.

Have to start learning how to share what you feel, and do it now. Even though it will be hard, or it will never happen and will turn into something so huge it will be even harder to handle when the time comes to eventually face up to the big bad mountain of a hill created by yourself.

By sharing things now, and learning how to open up you will hopefully avoid that eventual blow out down the road when things get so unbearable that everything comes out all at once.

Great advice Joe. I will take that to heart. It is time for me to tell her how I feel about everything. I hate to ruin the good time we've been having but if it needs done (which it does) I has to be done.

Honestly, and if it does cause trouble, know that the longer its left, it will even be a bigger disaster then if you do it now. I am not saying come out with everything and anything but if you feel it is that time then do it. The thing is from that point on and forward you need to try to be more honest with your feelings to her and then maybe things will be better down the road instead of always building them up inside until everything explodes makes sense right?

You know you're right. Honestly if I keep telling her how I feel and she doesn't like it, then it will come to an end anyway. If she accepts it and helps out then things will get better and better. I don't think she wants a free spirit, but that's what she got when she got with me and although I have really repressed that side of me, its time to be true to myself. I am locking myself away at the moment and I really need to come out with it and get things done

Good to hear...

You know what when you try to make somebody happy all the time by doing everything. And it is only one sided.

It takes away from yourself as a person and eventually you do things that is not right for you it will eat away at you.

Did for years with a certain family member, and I just ended up getting crapped on in the end, and all I did was everything for that person. Near the end, I could not handle it anymore and I turned out to be the bad guy in that persons eye and in the eyes of other family members too.

For me though, to take care of myself for a change and my own family wife and child and not worry about anything else was more important. The stress of it all was effecting everyone and the best thing I did was end that situation with that family member.

Let me tell you it was hard to do but the best decision I made. That is just from personal experience which you have to go through yourself to understand.

Life is the best teacher, second only to pure stupidity. In my case that is.

I don't think its stupidity-its more like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole-and sooner or later having to realise that its not possible.

Good analagy. But that does sound pretty stupid to me lol

I feel that you are just too young to be tied down. You have to have the "Joe time". I was one month shy of my 37th birthday when I got married. But I knew that I wasn't ready to settle donw quite yet. I KNEW. What you are going to have problems with is that she is much older than you are. She has had her personal time. She now has two children that are rightfully so, the most important thing in her life. You will always be third.

She is taking advantage of your kind nature. She says that she "loves" you, yet will not let you stay with her and the kids. Those kids will adapt just fine. And for the ex with the dog, he can kiss your butt.

Do some soul searching, and learn to be your own man. You will be absolutely miserable, and resentful, for missing out on your youth.

There is a nice girl out there who has similar interests.

I just hope you figure this one out before it's too late. You'll be sixty years old, looking in the mirror,saying " what the hel! was I thinking?".

Try to learn from the experience here on this board. We know how these relationships work. Sure, sometimes they work out just fine, but more times than not, when they start with this much trouble, they ferment into an undrinkable brew.

But that's your decision, and it's your life. We are just trying to let you see through the lacey nighties.

"How will I know if I never try"

Because a lot of us have been through it and already gave you advice. So you don't have to try. It's like "reinventing the wheel".



and "what if I waste taking the chance while I am still young. The older I get the less time I have and while I still have free time I can make mistakes." Thats really my mindset. Its probably a bad one to have, but I've convinced myself that this is the way I want to look at things right now.

The reason a lot of us are here is because we want to learn and don't have to go through the mistakes and waste our time. Chances are there are a few great girls out there who are right for you but you missed the opportunity wasting your time here.

The lesson that you are learning right now cost too much for you and you can barely afford it. If you can barely afford this lesson how are you going to have enough money for the next one? How much money do you have? JK :)


A relationship with a single mother come with a lot of responsibilities more so than with a single person. If you decide to give this relationship a try, make sure you know everything about relationship with single mother, all the pros and cons associate with it. At least if you are aware when the problems come you are not surprise and are prepared to deal with them.

When you get tired of being broke and frustrated, you will leave this situation.

It is really on you. She cannot take advantage of you unless you let her (and you have) and the fact that she will not listen to what you say and has no problem having you work overtime to support her spending habit should tell you this woman is not a choice cut.
This not about her, she is what she is. This is about you. You are unhappy and working to support her. Ask yourself why you choose to stay with someone who couldn't care less about you, who treats you with such disrespect.

You are all making very good points. And especially you homegirl on that last one. Its not her at all, she isn't the problem. I am. I am the only reason I am going through this because I am letting it happen... time to stop it I think. No more letting it happen. Even now during one of our good phases I am saying that, so I am ready for a change. I am ready to make a drastic change. She can keep up or take off.

And About Joe time, I am not giving it up. Its one of those things that I need. Who knows, maybe I could find a nice single girl (not a mother) who loves hiking and other out doorsy stuff. That would rock lol. Not that I know any woman like that...

That's the way to think.
You don't need to be run over by a money hungry woman with two kids.
There is a woman out there for you, just open your eyes.
Get out from under this woman's control.

You ever think that standing up for yourself and expressing yourself honestly depends on how well you know yourself? How can you understand another, if you don't understand yourself?

Can't be done. Worse, you will always fall for anything, and be afraid of everything.

I think your cougar you have by the tail requires a strong hand, a man with solutions and direction, and leads by example.

So be honest here, is that YOU?

I have also told ya'll to stop worrying about this for the present time until I am ready to make the change because at the moment it really feels like I am wasting your time. I am trying to be nice here and let everyone off without having such a battle as we were a little while ago. Honestly the fighting with me is ridiculous and childish and it needs to stop. Like the disagreeing with me just to give me a negative status, not cool, expeically not when I agreed with the last poster and they did not get a red. Not to mention that the person I agreed with gave me a red.

And you cannot disagree with me on my own post, I mean come on. If you do not like what I have to say, then go away. Thats all there is to it. I needed to rant and rave about the situation, its how I blow off steam. I am sorry if this thread has upset some people, and I am sorry if you feel I have wasted your time, but as I said, You don't need to waste your time any longer. Only people that want to stick around and listen to me should stay tuned to this.

I have to say thanks to the admin Ben and Tal for getting my thread reopened.

Actually it was me who reopened the thread, not Ben. And I'm beginning to be sorry I did. YOU DO NOT dictate who can respond or how they respond. When you choose to post on this site, you open yourself up to whatever comments anyone wants to make. As long as those comments stay within the rules of this site, then you have nothing to say about the matter. If you believe the comments violate the rules then use the Report link.

This was the main reason the thread was closed in the first place.

I think you take Scottgems advice to heart, and see the point that you CAN stand for yourself when you WANT to. You just have to do it with HER, not US.

jmjoseph agrees: Maybe SHE needs an account here. He has stones here.

It is a lot easier to have stones on the internet and with strangers then with family or loved ones. I think.

I also agree with Tal, that he stands up for himself here, so that would make me think he can do it if he really wants to at home to.

The thing that I see wrong with this relationship, is its not about a disagreement over what color the living room should be and what should be for dinner... Its an argument about how YOU need to be for her in order for her to feel taken care of.

You continuously stand up for her, giving her reason for what she says or does. But in realiality, there is no reason for what she does and how she does it. The fact is she is just cruel to you. She is taking advantage of you and is starting to make you question yourself.

No realationship should make you question yourself. Make you fight for your own independence and definitely not make you want to work harder and longer to appease her needs.

Everyone has relationship problems. But you, sir, I think are in a horrible situation that is boarderline abusive.

The only way you're going to fix this problem is if she disppears from your life. Why you constantly ask for advise on here and then just immediately turn it down is beyond me. You need to think for yourself and decide on your own if you want to wreck your life because she bats her big eyes at you. And yes, from the sounds of this entire fiasco, you are wrecking your life. You are throwing away your youth because of this woman. You are injuring yourself because she needs more and more.

Where is she going to be the day you get laid off from work? Or hurt on the job? Will she still be around? Will she support you? I highly doubt it.

That may be something you want to think about.. You may want to look into the future for a minute and see if you see yourself living the dream, or walking around with a ball and chain.

Every decision that needs to be made needs to be recognized and made by you. No one, on here, in real life.. NO ONE is going to save you until you decide you need to save yourself.

This woman treats you like this because you allow it. Everything, from the fights, to her taking your money, you allow it. Its not healthy in a relationship for you telling yourself, and others, that you're going to have a discussion about what you want to do with your freedoms. That discussion shouldn't even need to be made.

You really need to find a different outsource to relieve your stress and anger with her. Every time you post on here, its getting more and more pathetic. Sorry to sound so harsh, but you continue to put a bandaide or a wound that is always bleeding.

Joe, That's what I don't quite understand. You come here for help. You get help. Every single person here, ALL of us, are telling you to get out, and get on.

You have literally hundreds of years of experience, I have over thirty years myself alone, trying to help you out of this jam.

Why ask for help when you already know what you are going to do?

Excellent points guys, but he does need time to process this realization he is coming to, and make a plan of action to deal with the coming wreck at the intersection.

I think he knows what he needs to do, it's taking that first step. It's like the relationship is the devil, but it's the devil you know, you're miserable, but you're comfortable in that misery. You don't want to deal with something new.

The fact that he is here asking questions tells me, he knows what he needs to do. It may take him a while, but when he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, when he wakes up one morning feeling down and asks himself if he wants this to be him a year from now, two years from now, he will leave.

One of the things I found a bit odd, when you are dating a woman with children, when you are talking about marriage, don't you develop some kind of relationship with them? I could be mistaken but has he ever mentioned these kids, how he feels about them?

This relationship is toxic and these children are exposed to this mess. They are learning how relationships work and it's not a very good lesson they are being taught.

I find it all pretty sad.

One of the things I found a bit odd, when you are dating a woman with children, when you are talking about marriage, don't you develop some kind of relationship with them? I could be mistaken but has he ever mentioned these kids, how he feels about them?

This relationship is toxic and these children are exposed to this mess. They are learning how relationships work and it's not a very good lesson they are being taught.

I find it all pretty sad.

Completely right. I do have a minimal relationship with them, and its not enough for me. That's all there is to it. Maybe you're all right, maybe I should just leave...

Yes you should. You seem like a very kind hearted person. There is a woman out there with no kids or drama that can make you a happy man.

I wish you well

Thank you home girl. I think it is finally hitting me the right way. Depressing...

I would imagine it is, but you will get past it. You just need to take a deep breath and take the first step.

Joe, like homegirl said, if she loved you she would have already made it a priority to establish a relationship with you and her kids. How do you know if you are even ready to be their stepfather?

I dated a single mother for over four years. I treated her little boy just like he was my own child. It was a package deal. We were whole. Even though he came first in her life, we were, even for just a block of time, a family. It just didn't work out, and I'm glad now.

This is by no means normal behavior.

You are just a source of funds for her. She threw something "magical" on you just often enough for you to be strung along.

We all want you to think about what has been said here. We are trying to help you see the damage that has been done. We don't have an hidden motive here. You came here for help. That's what we are doing.

One and a half years later, you are just an anonymous donor to her children. That should speak volumns.

And she tries to make you feel guilty for spending a few bucks, of your own money, on yourself. " I am having to move because YOU spent $--.-- on YOUR selfish self!!"

Life is not like this. Life can be so much more.

I found a wonderful woman because I would not settle on anything less than what I felt I could live with. I have so much to give. I deserved better than being mistreated. And trust me, I went through quite a few bad ones before I found an angel. It makes me appreciate her even more.

THAT'S what you need to tell yourself. "I DESERVE BETTER."

Say it. Learn it. Live it.

Quote by KBC
You are now getting out from under the depression cloud you have been under for ?how long?? feelings and overall emotions are almost new again.

The increase of medication has accentuated this effect,the 'regular' you is now opening it's eyes.Life without the shaded glasses you've been wearing for how long is now at your grasp.

This new beginning may or may not include those things you were comfortable with during the depression life.

This analogy is also true for alcoholics, once a major wall is removed,the new path isn't the one always the one they thought it should be, including relationships.
I haven't read your other thread yet,but I will soon..

Hang in there, DON'T stop the medications, you'll just be back where you were before you started taking them, sometimes worse(I have been medicated fr the last 15 years or so with a track record of on and off meds during the first 3-4 years, doubts made things MUCH worse)

This is but one issue you have not mentioned in this thread, and I would like an update on as, talking to your doctor about your meds is crucial for effective therapy. Also maybe we all forget she was living with her ex when you met. Such a transition has a profound effect on her kids as to many men so close together sends them some confusing signals, especially if I remember right she was pregnant from the first guy, and living with the next at the time. That's a very tough situation, especially since you alluded to her being bi-polar earlier. This is a bit messy, with the adults having emotional issues, and maybe you both should have a 3rd party to help you out. Correct me if I am wrong, but maybe for different reasons, you two are TOO dependent on each other, and not independent enough to have a healthy relationship, without you both having the proper help and guidance.

You have us, but what help does she have except a support check, and a disability check. Accepting her condition is one thing, being qualified to help with what she needs is another.

This is but one issue you have not mentioned in this thread, and I would like an update on as, talking to your doctor about your meds is crucial for effective therapy. Also maybe we all forget she was living with her ex when you met. Such a transition has a profound effect on her kids as to many men so close together sends them some confusing signals, especially if I remember right she was pregnant from the first guy, and living with the next at the time. Thats a very tough situation, especially since you alluded to her being bi-polar earlier. This is a bit messy, with the adults having emotional issues, and maybe you both should have a 3rd party to help you out. Correct me if I am wrong, but maybe for different reasons, you two are TOO dependent on each other, and not independent enough to have a healthy relationship, without you both having the proper help and guidance.

You have us, but what help does she have except a support check, and a disability check. Accepting her condition is one thing, being qualified to help with what she needs is another.

Hello again friend.

Here is the accurate account.

My depression is resolving itself quite nicely. Replaced by a sexual repression (annoying but I'm working on it). She wasn't pregnant with the first guy and living with the next, It was she got pregnant with my child a month and a half after we got together (and she stopped doing relationship things with him before we got together) but we lost the baby. It was sad but at the moment I am very glad I did not bring a baby into this world with her at the time. Yes she is bi-polar, and things with her are difficult, with us both having emotional issues its really hard sometimes.

However her bi-polar does not excuse poor treatment. I will try to get her to try couples therapy but I doubt she'll go for it. At the moment she seems to think everything is hunky-dory. Its like she doesn't look at the situation and analize it at all. The only time she knows something is wrong is when I bring it to her and then she does this whole (I thought everything was great) act and I am actually starting to believe that she does not really see the problems at all. Maybe if a 3rd party told her what she was doing toxic (along with myself that is) that maybe it might make an impact on us. Things may actually work out if we are going to couples therapy for a while. But one thing is for sure, I am not in any way ready to adopt a child with her. I do not want to be forced into this relationship and I do not want to be held there. Probably part of the reason I haven't pushed even harder for time with the kids.

I am already attached enough to those kids and its already hard to think about leaving them. Her daughter and I just click. Her son and I are beginning to understand each other. Remember he is autistic and is a hard little boy to get to know. I do get some time with them, when we first started dating I got a lot of time with them, but now its almost none. I really hate it, I feel like a father ripped away from his kids. I treat them as my own and I always have, whenever I'm given the chance. But for some reason she is keeping me at a distance from them and it sucks. Then again like I said, I don't need to be held to this relationship by them. We are far too volitile to make any certain plans.

Do I think things will get better when and if we live together? Yes, because then I am not always waiting on her ques. But honestly I am going to talk to her tonight about our relationship and tell her we need to go see a counselor. I am tired of being the one that folds. Its not my job to fold all the time, its my job to know what to do and when to do it. Its my job to be part of the decision making and dang it all I am getting my kayak (that is trapped in the Ex's house still and the Ex won't give it up) even if I have to scream and yell to get what I want. And that is the major problem right there, I always have to beg, scream, or yell to get what I want.
\
That Kayak was a birthday present last July. I still haven't even seen it because she went against my advice and brought it over there. I told her not to and that I would never see it again. But I just figured out how to get her to get her butt on it. I told her I would buy myself one this weekend if I didn't get it. Because I have planned this trip for like a week and a half now based souly around me getting my kayak. I am tired of waiting for it and I made sure she knew it. I am so annoyed by all of this that I am more than willing to take my whole paycheck this week to buy myself a new kayak. In that I found her weakness. She needs my money for things, if she can't get the kayak she don't get the money. That's all there is to it. Then things start falling apart even faster and she knows it will happen. I am even being a jerk about it. I said "Do I not deserve my present? Do I have to beg for it? Haven't I asked you enough?!" To which she replied, "You'll get it. I'll go back and try to get it tomorrow!" She was angry but she knew I was right. I said "yeah try, but I'm not holding my breath. This always happens. You say you'll do somehting and then for one reason or another you don't do it and I look like an idiot. I am done with that Tammie." We went back and forth but basically I was doing all the shouting. She was just trying to get me to stop.

Finally she says that she is sorry that she couldn't get it for the day I wanted it and she would do everything in her power to get it tomorrow. I said sorry for yelling at you but you'd do much worse to me.

Basically I am starting to stand up for me and stopping the crap taking. She knows that she gets that Kayak tomorrow or I will stop coming over (starting tomorrow night) and I will stop paying bills. She does need my help, and I hate to say this but honestly I want my kayak before I make her let me move in. Once I get it, I can push my weight around a bit more. If she isn't going to let me move in, I am going to give her the ultimatum and if she doesn't let me at that point I am keeping all of my money and getting my own place. If that kayak isn't here within two more days, I am doing the whole rest of the process then. I am done waiting around. It is my turn dang it.

Yeah tal, that kayak I was so happy to be going out in for today (tuesday day) She just told me that she couldn't get it and he said he won't get it down from the rafters. I was like use a step ladder or I can go get it myself. Of course I wouldn't go over there cause homes would try to fight me and I don't want any of that crap. But still, Kayaks are not heavy things, it should not be that hard to get up there and push it down. These rafters (btw) are like 9 feet up. She could push it down with a broom for pete sakes. So long as something broke its fall it would be fine. But fact of the matter is I WANT MY KAYAK! What is so hard to understand about that. If He won't get it down, then its time to ask another person for help. Its not that hard to find a tall person, they are everywhere. All it takes is a step ladder, honestly. And I know the guy has a ladder too so I wasn't taking the excuses. She is a woman not an invalid. Women can do everything men can and she lets her sex hold her back too much. She thinks a big strong man has to do all the heavy work. Sorry but she has arms too.

All for equal treatment here! Ok now I'm ranting again but this time I'm not just going to give in and let it go. I want my kayak, it may be selfish, but too bad. Its mine and I should have gotten it a long butt time ago.

I want my kayak, it may be selfish, but too bad. Its mine and I should have gotten it a long butt time ago.

Selfish?? Why selfish , I'm sure you work darn hard for everything you have like the rest of us , good for you , I agree with you.

Life's too short to not enjoy what you work hard for.

Yeah, you're right. I do deserve it. Even if it is a present I have done a lot for her and she should do everything in her power to either get me my kayak or buy me another one.

But I am not willing to wait for her to get into the position to buy another one, I am in the position right now so why wiat? She can either give me mine or buck up not having my money. That's all there is to it.

How about figuring out what you really want to do with your life and finding a way to get paid for that. That way you will actually enjoy working, and maybe you could even get paid more for it.

Oh god does that sound good eyebright. I wish I could get paid for being outdoors. (a DNR officer or a Federal Park Ranger) It would be such a huge treat. I'd love that type of work. Its just hard to get. Now being an econimic down time these people are losing their jobs, not hiring. But I can go to school for it, I should do so actually. It would be fun to get back into school.

So your kayak is 'being held hostage'?

Thays a new one-I'd laugh if it wasn't sooo sad.

Go buy a new one-or hire one for an outing.

And seriously look into further education.

I know, I can't believe it either. Its my property (or rather hers until she actually hands it over). She has a legal right to get the thing and its ticked me off for the last time in all honesty. I gave her hell for it.

Yes, I like the idea of furthering my education, it's a good idea and I think I will seriously start looking into it again

And get a new kayak!!

OK OK don't yell amicon. Wow. I still think she should buy me another one having failed to produce the one she promised but hey, I can buy my own, no big. They aren't all that expensive.

Speaking of which I think I will go check some prices online.

(Not yelling-just banging my head on the desk... )

Good thinking,find a nice one and treat yourself.

Lol sorry. But OK, I was sitting here working for a bit and all I can think about is yelling at her for all of this. Blaming her for all of this and doing so vocally. I should probably handle it better than that right? I should calmly tell her that I am unhappy and discuss this like adults right? Because like I was saying, all I want to do is yell very very loud.

Holy crap those things can get expensive!! For one that's good at all I mean. Maybe I should buy one on Ebay or something

I think you are going to find out that the kayak has been sold.

Why else the delay? Why is it at his house anyway?

Has he been using it?

This is just another one of her demerits. She's in the hole- big time.

It's there cause she bought it while she still lived there. I told her not to bring it back there but she did it anyway. Because she never listens to me. Now its trapped there because he knows its mine and he knows how angry I am going to get at her for this. He thinks its going to break us up if I keep getting jacked over and honestly its working. He is causing me a load of problems and now that she has moved out he is trying even harder. Its ticking me off. I shouldn't have to deal with this bs

its there cause she bought it while she still lived there. I told her not to bring it back there but she did it anyways. Because she never listens to me. Now its trapped there because he knows its mine and he knows how angry I am going to get at her for this. He thinks its going to break us up if I keep getting jacked over and honestly its working. He is causing me a load of problems and now that she has moved out he is trying even harder. Its ticking me off. I shouldn't have to deal with this bs

You said you never saw the Kayak, maybe she never bought one. How did she brought it over there in the first place. Her story doesn't add up according to what you said. I would be very careful. She said she got nothing to do with her ex anymore but you'll never know. Have you ever thought maybe her and her ex are conning you?

Another reason I could think of why she won't let you move in is, if the gov. find out you live together they won't give her that money.

Also if she got child support from her ex, he'll cut it off because he would expect you to be the provider.

lol sorry. But ok, I was sitting here working for a bit and all I can think about is yelling at her for all of this. Blaming her for all of this and doing so vocally. I should probably handle it better than that right? I should calmly tell her that I am unhappy and discuss this like adults right? Because like I was saying, all I want to do is yell very very loud.

You don't need to tell her how unhappy you are, she knows. And you don't need to yell at her for doing anything to you, you let her do it.

Don't give her anymore money and she'll be gone any way.
The only thing you need to tell this lady is "you're done and good-bye"

yeah, you're right. I do deserve it. Even if it is a present I have done a lot for her and she should do everything in her power to either get me my kayak or buy me another one.

But I am not willing to wait for her to get into the position to buy another one, I am in the position right now so why wiat? She can either give me mine or buck up not having my money. Thats all there is to it.

You remind me of the cute little puppy that wiggles its tail and shows its belly to the abusive master that beats it with its own toy.

A lot of people don't consider mental abuse actually abusive. They think its always a mind game. Mind games are abusive.. especially the ones she's playing with you.

Do you honestly believe her that the guy she lived with WHILE DATING YOU is holding YOUR gift hostage? I don't.

Every day its something new. Everyday she tells you another lie. Every days she plays with your head and your emotions.

If she loved you, she would have gotten the gift for you. Why would this other guy keep a kayak at his house for an ex girlfriend? Don't you think that sounds a bit absurd? I do.

You shouldn't have to threaten your money for your gift from her. Have you ever stopped and actually read what you wrote? That's ridiculous! There should be NO negotiation whatsoever.

Every day there is a new issue. A new problem.. and a new reason to give her a reason to treat you badly.

BREAK UP WITH HER AND LEAVE!

Joe, I think you and your girl should get your own reality show. I mean, it's entertaining to see this story unfold. I wish you could see how crazy this looks from down here.

I feel for you, but damn!

Larken,

I'm sorry... what was the question again? Lol

You started this thread almost 2 months ago! Everyone has been giving you great advice.

I think it's time to decide is this really the person you want to be with?

Heck, you're not even married, and there is this many problems!

Do you know what I mean?

Is this girlfriend/fiance the same girlfriend/fiance who is a stripper? Does she work but it's off the books?

Every post fills in a little more info/background.

JudyKayTee agrees: You can't be abused and mistreated over and over again unless you put up with it.

This should be made into a quote.

Larken, is she still holding out on the sex? From the infection? Has it really been since last JULY?

And is she a dancer? A retired dancer?

Okay I'll bite, where does he say anything about a stripper?

Okay I'll bite, where does he say anything about a stripper?

Here Tal , different thread...


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/new-man-finding-hard-im-stripper-advice-467135.html#post2329684

Sorry its been so long sine I was on this thread. THat was bad of me. Um, yes she was a stripper back when she lived in Florida. She isn't holding out on sex anymore though its still not up to as much as I would like I can live with the amount we have.

Her and I got into a huge fight over that stupid kayak. It wasn't about the kayak at all really but that's what step me off. Really she wasn't fighting back either, she just took it. Finally I calmed down when she got really depressed about it and I felt that she finally heard me for the first time and now she is being very, agreeable.

When I got my check today she wouldn't ask for money but when I asked her about bills she said, You don't have to give me money. I did anyway as I knew she was hurting pretty badly. She made no fuss when I took out the rent for my mother either, which is something new.

I'm not saying she changed over the course of one night, but I told her we could either break up, or go see a therapist. She quickly decided she would go see a couple's therapist with me. She said, "You're worth everything to me. I will do anything to keep you." Got to say that made my heart sink, but I am not being soft about things. Our relationship needs help if it is to survive. That's all there is to it. And I told her I cannot stuff my issues down inside any more because I eventually blow up every time.

She respects that I will be telling her how I feel from now on and that's what we both got to do.

Thank you all for your responses, hard truths to hear, and just all around good advice. I will try one last time (I made sure she knew this was the last try) with a therapist and if we cannot figure out how to become more copastetic, then its time to call it quits.

She spent all of last night holding me tight to her body. Any time I even blinked for longer than usual she asked what was wrong. Seems like she is really finally starting to see the light and see that she cannot just run everything about me. I think she is finally realizing how much she needs me, not the other way around.

Last Tuesday (the night of our fight) I held out on sex myself. She wanted me to spend the night with her (which honestly I would have if I wasn't falling asleep standing up, but I said I can't tonight. She told me I'd get booty and I said not tonight, I'm too tired. And that's were that one led. Guess we'll know more in a few weeks.

You're hooked.

What can I say other than... YOU ARE SCREWED.

We'll be seeing you here often.

Good luck.

Probably right, but like I said, this is the last time. If the therapist doesn't work, it's a no go. I suggested it, that's what she said I'm worth everything for. I asked her if she thought it was worth it we could go to a therapist. If we don't learn how to communicate better and work through our issues, we won't last long.

She even agreed that we will either make it or break it this year. So yeah, that's what it is I guess. Sorry jmjoseph. I'm a broken record

You are going to couples(marriage, basically) counseling BEFORE you get married. That's like someone having extensive repairs done on an automobile BEFORE they buy it, not knowing what the future holds for him, and not knowing how reliable the vehicle will be.

I know that women are NOT like cars, but I just think in analogies.

It's probably a Southern thing...

You need to work on yourself esteem.

You must think that you don't deserve better. Or you might think that you can't find anyone else.

You do whatever you want, it's your life. I must say that you a hard headed young man. Some would call it tenacity. I call it insanity. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

WHACK,WHACK,WHACK.

Ouch, harsh but true. That is a good point. If we need to fix the relationship before we get married, then what about when we get married. It will be hell... crap

She spent all of last night holding me tight to her body. Any time I even blinked for longer than usual she asked what was wrong. Seems like she is really finally starting to see the light and see that she cannot just run everything about me. I think she is finally realizing how much she needs me, not the other way around.

Last Tuesday (the night of our fight) I held out on sex myself. She wanted me to spend the night with her (which honestly I would have if I wasn't fallin asleep standing up, but I said I can't tonight. She told me I'd get booty and i said not tonight, I'm too tired. And thats were that one led. guess we'll know more in a few weeks.


I think she sees her meal ticket walking out the door -

And as far as withholding sex from her - once you start playing mind games, it's over!

This lady is playing with you. See senses you are getting fed up so she is pacifying you.
You sound like a child begging for attention from an abusive parent and makes excuses for the abuse.

You need to get some counseling for yourself so you can gain the confidence to get out of this totally dysfunctional relationship.

24 pages, and 237 posts.

You know what a counselor will say to you. That he can not fix things up for you. You need to be able to start the changes in your life and once you start making changes and seeing progress it is you that is making changes and positive ones.

Now if for some reason counseling does not work it is not necessarily the counselors fault because the counsel-lee is the person that needs to in act in the changes and possible advice from the counselor if not then changes will not happen and you will stay stuck.

The counseling from all of us is not working. Honestly because your not willing to make any changes. Counseling works just like a relationship. Things are suppose to go two ways. The counselor gives advice or suggestions and listens but as well the counsel-lee needs to in act on what he or she thinks would be the best course of actions. Even if it is small changes in acted.

Counseling is not going to work for yourself if your not willing to take ideas and thoughts to heart and your not willing to make any kind of changes for yourself.

But in the end the only changes that can be made are by yourself. Not by the counselor.

A third party is a good idea to guide you through the process of understanding, and learning to communicate. Only then can you identify, or take the steps to get the issues out, and go about resolution. This is hardly an over night fix by any means, just a good way to get focused on what's important, and what works for you both.

That's progress in my book, whether the relationship survives or not.

I think she sees her meal ticket walking out the door -

And as far as withholding sex from her - once you start playing mind games, it's over!

Seems to me this was over LONG AGO. Just someone doesn't seem to realize it.

I cannot disagree, but some take longer than others to get through the process of making those life changing decisions, for themselves.

I cannot disagree, but some take longer than others to get thru the process of making those life changing decisions, for themselves.

The thing is there has been no process started. Like I said counseling will only work if there is a willing participant to make the change needed to improve on life. That is how most counselors work. Have experience in that area.

Well perhaps if he does counseling it will help. And I think he will do that when he is ready. It takes more than a few months to undo possibly a life time of an unhealthy mentality.
Everyone functions at a different pace.

It's my understanding, I believe I read in one of the threads, that OP is already on some type of drug therapy for depression or some other issue. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/pmdd-maybe-depression-anxiety-465571.html

Maybe THAT'S the Physician he should be talking to. I realize that Physician asked him why he's depressed.

Maybe depression is at the root of this problem with the girlfriend/fiance - or maybe it's the other way around.

241 posts, still no action, just reaction.

The process is on the table, That's a start. Talking about it is a start. None of us lives on the timetable of another, people move at their own pace. I get the frustrations from everyone, I have them too, and I know so does he. Its not about us and OUR frustration, its about guiding him through the process, of dealing with himself. The same hold true for everyone else who comes to this forum looking for answers to personal problems, so before I hi jack his thread, any further is by saying I think we all have been through that kind experience, and remember how totally frustrating it was. I surely do.

The bad thing is that this relationship already has some serious issues.

What is going to happen when you introduce the children/stepfather problems that are bound to come up. You will always be in the wrong, your vote will not count, and you'll be eating only the french fries at the bottom of the bag. Her children are her life right now. Add the fact that they require special attention and care... hind teet.

I just hope that you are a light sleeper, and can hear the smoke alarm. Because you my friend will probably be last to be awoken in an emercency. Right behind the dog.

The dog that is keeping you from shackin' up with your cougar.

The thing is there has been no process started. Like I said counseling will only work if there is a willing participant to make the change needed to improve on life. That is how most counselors work. Have experience in that area.

Yes I do have to be willing to change and participate in making the changes. I know that she is not the only one that needs to change as well. But the advice that I have gotten is to get good and gone, if the counseling is not specifically geared towards helping us keep it together then I am probably not going to choose to do it right now. I do love her, and I believe she loves me.

As an added note, she just got a job working assembly at a plastic factory on third shift. It's a temp job but its certainly a start. She realized that I am no longer going to kill myself to give her money. Now, with her working there will be no need for overtime and I will have all of my weekends to myself. This is not the fix all but having my own money is going to go a long way towards keeping me happier in general.

Someone once said that money can't buy you happiness. This may be true, but money can sure make you miserable if you do not have any.

The bad thing is that this relationship already has some serious issues.

What is going to happen when you introduce the children/stepfather problems that are bound to come up. You will always be in the wrong, your vote will not count, and you'll be eating only the french fries at the bottom of the bag. Her children are her life right now. Add the fact that they require special attention and care..... hind teet.

I just hope that you are a light sleeper, and can hear the smoke alarm. Because you my friend will probably be last to be awoken in an emercency. Right behind the dog.

The dog that is keeping you from shackin' up with your cougar.

I'm not yelling back, but I do have to say that this is not true. She would not leave me to die in the flames, she would need my help to get the kids out. So if only for my services of strength she will wake me. (not that I believe that she wouldn't wake me first simply because she loves me). Lol.

She does love me and she is trying to find a way to connect to me better. Reciently she has realized that if I have an issue she is to leave me alone until I am ready to tell her what it is so I do not word it venomusly. That's another start right there.

And to judy, yes, the heart of my depression is her at the moment. The relationship itself is weighing heavy on my heart. However I have been depressed for far longer than I have known her, so the roots are not her fault. They have just grown further since I've been with her. Every big problem is another inch to the roots. Its hard, but I believe that this can work out. However I am not going to hold my breath on her changes as she has done this before. I am not a firm believer that people can change who they are very easily if at all. And if her changes do not stick, then I will walk away. There comes a point when there is just no point in trying anymore, and that point is soon. It sucks, but it is soon and I won't pretend not to realize that.

Why do you think she loves you? Take away the money you provide, add her behavior - and you think this is love?

Just by means of background how many other relationships have you been involved in?

My guess and your guess is that larken has never been involved in any relationships before this.

I will bet my farmville money on it. Lol

Probably a good guess - oh, in case you are scorekeeper this week it's 247, now 248, and counting.

I'm wrapping my mind around unarmed security guard, not making a lot of money, 12 years younger, no children, woman, ex-stripper (or something), children, in love with said unarmed security guard.

Well, I'm trying to wrap my mind around that.

Larken85 you say you don't want to see a counselor who tells you that you need to leave this woman, well that is your problem. You are not ready for counseling. You know what you need to do, you just are not ready to do it. You want to continue to bury your head in the sand.
The relationship you're in is dysfunctional at best. You don't want to acknowledged that. You want to be told how to stay in it and I don't think anyone here is going to tell you that.
I think you both are enabling each other's dysfunctional behavior. Maybe you stay with her because you don't think you can get anyone else.
Everything seems to be on her terms. A guy as young as you who accepts being tied to this older woman with two kids who will take money for rent but will not allow you to live with her, who tells you what to do with your money and withholds sex, has a problem.
You have no self esteem and are insecure. Why else would you subject yourself to this treatment. Don't say love, this is not love, it is dependency.

Larken, I can understand a desire to try to work things out and stay with her. However, I look at all of your threads, some on the Adult Sexuality board, and I don't see a strong foundation to this relationship. Everything is Mine and Hers. So far, no Ours.

In all of this, have I missed where you two can actually sit down and hold a discussion on any topic that doesn't end up in arguments, ultimatums, or temper tantrums?

One thing that hasn't been addressed that I am now curious about, how does your dog get along with the hostage (her dog)?