Okay, so, I'm a gay male. I have morals, always steered clear of doing wrong, am kind and understanding. Because of this, I've gotten a decent amount of friends in my 21 years of living. Enough about me, here's the problem:

Just last night, I was hanging out with some friends in their apartment building. They were getting high and asked me if I wanted to take a smoke. I declined. After a couple of minutes having passed, one of them asked me again. I said, "You know what? Sure! Why not?" and I began to smoke with them. (note: I smoked once before about a year ago and didn't get high. This time, I did)

After I was done, I went to my friend's room and started playing videogames. This particular friend is a straight male whom I have known for a little over a year now. Our friendship's been pretty decent, I would say. I mean, we look out for one another, kind of like brothers.

Anyway, so I'm playing a videogame and he falls asleep. As soon as he falls asleep, I get the urge to look back at him while he's sleeping. I did so and just gazed at him for a while. Now, here's where I start giving past details: This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out.

Moving on: I'm staring at him and I get the sudden urge to touch him. I did so, not even thinking of the consequences. I got down on my knees, unzipped his fly, and began to perform oral sex on him in his sleep. He wakes up, shouts, "What the f**k?!?!" and proceeds to tackle me to the ground, fighting me. He lets me up, grabs a knife, and demands that I leave his room. Instantly, I snap out of whatever the hell kind of daze I was in. I leave, go outside of the apartment building, and start beating myself up about what happened.

Never have I done such a thing or would have even thought about doing such a thing if I weren't under the influence of weed. My conscience is very positive, always steering me clear of bad decisions. I'm guessing that smoking and getting high lead to my morals and inhibitions being nullified.

Later on that night, I'm still outside and it's freezing cold but I don't care. I'm just pacing back and forth, wondering how I could have allowed myself to do such a thing. I mean, sure, I was high, but I thought my will was stronger than that. My friend, pissed off and in a rage, comes outside to find me pacing back and forth. He starts yelling at me, pushing me. "How could you do that to me, dude?!" he says over and over again. Tears are filling his eyes and my shame is increasing. I try to explain to him that I was high, and he goes, "Well, you seem pretty goddamn sober now!" He isn't hearing anything I have to say, and I can't blame him.

After trying to calm him down to no avail, I watch him as he storms back in his apartment. He yells at me before leaving, telling me to go home. I do so. When I get back, there are people trying to talk to me, unaware of what just happened. I can't think straight. I have to get to him, somehow. I send him an e-mail, trying to explain what happened in detail. My apology must have been a good 5 paragraphs long. This afternoon, I go into my e-mail and read his reply. "F**k you and don't message me again" it says.

I value my friendship with this guy. Had I been sober, this wouldn't have happened. One hell of a wakeup call for me, though, because I'm never trying weed ever again. If I'm that careless while under the influence, I can do without it.

Although I probably deserve to lose a friend, I don't want to. I value all of my friendships. I just want things to make things right, somehow. The question is: How is that even possible?

Well, I have no experience when it comes to homosexuality. But dude look at it this way. If one of my friends that's a chick falls asleep and wakes up to me putting my hands down her pants, what the hell is she going to think? That's pretty inexcusable. I've gotten high before too, and to be honest it's nothing being like drunk. I mean you might have been under the influence since it was your first time and you might have gotten "too high". But still man, what you did was not cool. All you can do is keep apologizing. I don't think your friend is going to tell anyone,since he's straight and it might be very embarrassing. So don't worry about rumors, but all you can do keep trying to reach out to him. In all honestly what you did can be considered sexual assault, so even if it seemed harmless to you, learn a solid lesson from this.

This is a tough one, I really feel for you. In this case, honest is definitely the best policy. At this point, your friend has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to speak with you. Give it time, and give him space. I know you are probably panicking at this stage and all you want to do is fix this, but reality is, you are not going to fix this overnight. Your friend is probably very confused at this point, hurt and probably even feeling ashamed.

However, if or when your friend decides to hear you out, discuss with him the reasons behind your actions. All you can do is be honest with him, the rest is up to him. Reality is, there is a huge possibility he may never forgive you for this. Being high doesn’t excuse your actions, and I’m sure he is fully aware of that.

Hello Fallen,

If that were a female that you did that to, it would be considered a form of rape... So, why not have the same rules apply for a man?

He is upset and embarrassed! He may never forgive you for this...

Take it as a learning lesson!

Yes this is rape, sexual assault. I would have done that same thing your friend did, ugly girl or guy doing it!
No excuses for this NONE!!

Wow... I'm sorry, Fallen, but this would be inexcusible in my book. The other posters have said it right, especially the last poster. My first thought was "rape" as well.

Honestly, if I was in the postistion of your buddy, I would seriously consider pressing charges.

I think that you need to stay away from this guy. He has every right to press charges on you. You sent an email explaining yourself and he rejected it. Any more contact from you could be considered harassment.

In my opinion, you need to never get high again. Period. I'd even seriously consider even drinking.

Wow.... I'm sorry, Fallen, but this would be inexcusible in my book. The other posters have said it right, especially the last poster. My first thought was "rape" as well.

Honestly, if I was in the postistion of your buddy, I would seriously consider pressing charges.

I think that you need to stay away from this guy. He has every right to press charges on you. You sent an email explaining yourself and he rejected it. Any more contact from you could be considered harrassment.

In my opinion, you need to never get high again. Period. I'd even seriously consider even drinking.





Leave the guy alone or he may get physical(NOT IN THE WAY YOU WANT). What you did was wrong. You're lucky he didn't beat the snot out of you! LET IT GO!

Wow.... I'm sorry, Fallen, but this would be inexcusible in my book. The other posters have said it right, especially the last poster. My first thought was "rape" as well.

Honestly, if I was in the postistion of your buddy, I would seriously consider pressing charges.

I think that you need to stay away from this guy. He has every right to press charges on you. You sent an email explaining yourself and he rejected it. Any more contact from you could be considered harrassment.

In my opinion, you need to never get high again. Period. I'd even seriously consider even drinking.

I appreciate your honesty, and I agree with you completely. As far as I know, my friend isn't pressing charges. I know him, and if he was going to get me arrested by now, he would have done so. I've been extremely hard on myself today, wondering if the right thing to do would be to just leave it alone or turn myself in to the authorities. Understand, I am no criminal. What I did, however, was criminal, and I will never be able to forgive myself. Having been high at the time provides no excuse.

All throughout my life, I've been the one giving advice to others (mainly close friends). I never thought that I'd be in such a position as I am today, taking advice from total strangers, all because of one stupid decision that lead to another. I appreciate all comments (even the rather blunt and harsh comments). I needed to read them. It helped me think things through. A sincere "Thank you!" to all that responded.

This is not merely a mistake in judgment, clouded by weed.

What you did was as the others have said, you sexually assaulted another person.

You make such a big deal out of 'the weed made me do it' in your original post, as though looking for a 'reason'.

Crossing that line, regardless of sexual orientation, is criminal. Along with that, is the element of, at best, thinking errors, that created this scene in the first place. I am not so sure this was 'random' and think instead that this was something that had been planned right from the moment you entered the place. You were looking for an opportunity to be with this guy, and you created one. I think you thought the weed would provide you with an excuse to do what you had hoped would happen all along.

This situation does not strike me as random whatsoever.

"This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out."

You wanted a repeat performance of that time, as you described it, when you two made out. The 'sudden urge' then, and the sudden urge now, are no different, except you went too far, without his consent.

Please be honest here. Am I in the ballpark? Do you truly explain away your behaviour as being a sudden and complete surprise? You couldn't believe you did it? Or you instead had the intent all along.

To imply that you have sexual urges that you cannot control, and to imply that you are capable of sexual assault in such a casual manner, couldl mean some very serious mental health issues going on here.

Which is it.

This is not merely a mistake in judgment, clouded by weed.

What you did was as the others have said, you sexually assaulted another person.

You make such a big deal out of 'the weed made me do it' in your original post, as though looking for a 'reason'.

Crossing that line, regardless of sexual orientation, is criminal. Along with that, is the element of, at best, thinking errors, that created this scene in the first place. I am not so sure this was 'random' and think instead that this was something that had been planned right from the moment you entered the place. You were looking for an opportunity to be with this guy, and you created one. I think you thought the weed would provide you with an excuse to do what you had hoped would happen all along.

This situation does not strike me as random whatsoever.

"This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out."

You wanted a repeat performance of that time, as you described it, when you two made out. The 'sudden urge' then, and the sudden urge now, are no different, except you went too far, without his consent.

Please be honest here. Am I in the ballpark? Do you truly explain away your behaviour as being a sudden and complete surprise? You couldn't believe you did it? Or you instead had the intent all along.

To imply that you have sexual urges that you cannot control, and to imply that you are capable of sexual assault in such a casual manner, couldl mean some very serious mental health issues going on here.

Which is it.

You're somewhat in the ballpark, I suppose. When I had that first intimate encounter with him, my attraction to him grew. It's been there ever since. I've never been waiting for a moment to strike since then, however. Never have I planned something out.

As I said before, my conscience is strong. Even when I drink, I am not the slightest bit inconsiderate of others. To blame it solely on the weed would be wrong, of course. I should have had a stronger will, so the blame still falls upon me.

If this had been a female I am sure you would be in big trouble.

The reason your "Friend" is not pressing charges is because he is probably ashamed. Don't pretend you were high. What you did was rape a friend. You need to leave him alone and stop trying
To blame your actions on being high.

You have lost him as a a friend and I would bet the farm on that.
Seems your not very good at knowing when to back off. You need to leave this guy alone before you get yourself into something that could very well end in violence. Move on and get new friends.

You're making a lot of excuses for what you did. Yes, you were high, but that's not an excuse.

Speaking as someone who's been raped, been molested, I'm willing to bet that this friendship is over. You crossed a very important line. You molested a friend, someone that has made it clear that he isn't gay.

I was molested as a child, by my female cousin. I am also female and I'm not gay. I can't begin to explain the amount of shame I felt because of the molestation (even though I was only 5 when it started) and the fact that my molester was female. I am not homophobic, but I have to say that I think I could have dealt with it better had a male molested me. There's shame, something I cannot explain, something I hope that no one will ever have to experience. Well, you've made your friend experience it. That's the truth.

It's worse for guys. When they're raped (or molested) by another guy, especially when they're straight, it's a sign of weakness.

You're gay, you know how hard it is to come out, to let people know you're gay. There's ridicule from many, unacceptance, even hate. Imagine being straight and having to admit, or accept that you had a gay encounter, against your will.

I don't think you can put yourself in his shoes. I can't even do that, even though I experienced a very similar thing. The fact is, he's a guy, he's a straight guy, what you did is the worst thing that can happen to a straight guy.

Be happy that he isn't pressing charges. Be happy that he didn't beat the living hell out of you. He's asked you to leave him alone, that's what you should do. You screwed up big time, there's no getting back this friendship, this isn't a little fight, you molested him! Walk away and learn.

How will your former friend live this down?
What you did was horrible,and being high is no excuse.

You stay well away from him and I suggest you get yourself into therapy to try and understand how you could do this.

Gays are already hard to accept for a lot of people! Now guess what your new friends motto is going to be:
"If your gay, stay away!"

I certainly hope you have learned a very valuable lesson about yourself, and try your best to make sure this never happens again. Being high is no excuse for crossing the lines of good behavior.

Leave the guy alone to deal with this his own way, because you can't undo what's been done, but never think your so perfect and reasonable you can't make a serious mistake, and not pay for it.

You got off lucky as all you lost was a friendship, this time, but if there is a next time, its your freedom you could lose.

The other posters are correct, this was rape. AND I have smoked in the past many times, I never felt sudden uncontrollable urges. Conscious or sub-consciously you wanted this, but the fact that you took it regardless is very wrong.

I think you have done enough, this friend will not forgive this easily and you need to be prepared for him never to accept it.

Learn from this please. Never let this happen again.

You ask will you ever live it down? He most likely will not tell anyone about this out of shame. Really if he does the repercussions could be dire for you, not only legally but also on a personal level. Think long and hard about what you have done, you have violated another person, never allow this to happen again.

You're making a lot of excuses for what you did. Yes, you were high, but that's not an excuse.

Speaking as someone who's been raped, been molested, I'm willing to bet that this friendship is over. You crossed a very important line. You molested a friend, someone that has made it clear that he isn't gay.

I was molested as a child, by my female cousin. I am also female and I'm not gay. I can't begin to explain the amount of shame I felt because of the molestation (even though I was only 5 when it started) and the fact that my molester was female. I am not homophobic, but I have to say that I think I could have dealt with it better had a male molested me. There's shame, something I cannot explain, something I hope that no one will ever have to experience. Well, you've made your friend experience it. That's the truth.

It's worse for guys. When they're raped (or molested) by another guy, especially when they're straight, it's a sign of weakness.

You're gay, you know how hard it is to come out, to let people know you're gay. There's ridicule from many, unacceptance, even hate. Imagine being straight and having to admit, or accept that you had a gay encounter, against your will.

I don't think you can put yourself in his shoes. I can't even do that, even though I experienced a very similar thing. The fact is, he's a guy, he's a straight guy, what you did is the worst thing that can happen to a straight guy.

Be happy that he isn't pressing charges. Be happy that he didn't beat the living hell out of you. He's asked you to leave him alone, that's what you should do. You screwed up big time, there's no getting back this friendship, this isn't a little fight, you molested him! Walk away and learn.


I hope you see "fallenfrmgrace", you were wrong. Word of advice, Stop talking to mutual friends about what happened between you and this guy. Nobody else needs to be involved and the more people who know what happened, the more this is going to get out of control.Unless of course one of them wishes to talk to the police.

The victim will be the one who has to try to explain your actions and that's not fair at all. Don't add more fuel to the fire or you will probably be the one who gets burnt very badly. If he doesn't want to talk about it with you, then he isn't going to want you to talk about it. He's the victim, not you! There's no justification in your actions and if your friends tell you any differently they are lying.

You describe yourself as quite a polite, moral, conscientious individual with lots of friends, and considerate of others. I don't doubt that you are that person. But, there is a part of you that I sincerely hope you think about, that has nothing to do with the type of person you are, or your sexual orientation, how popular you are, or any other factors that favourably show you as a decent person. Let's say you are all those things, and I believe you are.

The problem is the sexual assault. A good lawyer could present you easily as a you have described yourself, and most would believe that this was a momentary lapse of judgment, in an otherwise decent person who would never do such a thing.

But we know what the facts are. You and the victim had made out before, and you said that you have always had feelings for him. There was an opportunity presented to you, and without his consent (or knowledge- he was sleeping), you unzipped his pants and assaulted him. His reaction to what you did clearly shows there was no reciprocal, consentual response from him.

The aftermath, with how he so strongly reacted, shows to me at least, that he was mortified, confused, and extremely upset with you, and rightfully so. Your reaction to that, with the determination 'to get to him', and explain yourself, via an email, brought a response from him, that he wanted nothing to do with you.

I'm not sure if you see what it going on here, really going on here.

That you say you 'should have had a stronger will', is lame. You had enough will, and enough awareness to assault him. You had enough will, to make observations, function intelligently, and do what you wanted to do, and made the decision that either he would reciprocate and encourage your actions, or would wake up, realize what was going on, and stop you.

What you have done is allow a side of yourself to show that you don't like. This goes beyond any personal characteristics you have so far described in such favourable terms. You continue to see yourself simply as a good person who, with a 'stronger will' would never had done what you had done. Thus the excuses.

You may not ever admit it, but as you described your attraction to him from that first encounter, your attraction grew. This attraction must have included getting together intimately with him again, even if it was only thinking about it.

My overall opinion is that you may want to consider talking this out with a counsellor. You are only 21, and there is hope that this behaviour can be better understood, and avoided in the future. You can't 'fix' what you've done, but you can learn the difference between sexual assault, and consentual sex, and learn about the boundaries you have crossed, that, if not addressed, could very well end up with a jail sentence.

Jake2008: I appreciate the time that you put in responding to me. It means a lot, and I am now seriously considering going to a counselor. How do I seek counseling for this, though. I never thought of it in that way, but it's like you said. I may have a serious problem, another side to me that I am unaware of. If so, I'd like nothing more than to be rid of it.

Jake2008: I appreciate the time that you put in responding to me. It means a lot, and I am now seriously considering going to a counselor. How do I seek counseling for this, though. I never thought of it in that way, but it's like you said. I may have a serious problem, another side to me that I am unaware of. If so, I'd like nothing more than to be rid of it.


Seriously; You need help!

I was thinking about this off and on all day, and it is a relief that you are considering counselling for your own sake.

Start with your family Doctor, for a referral. If you are in school, find out if there is anything there. You could also look for assistance through social services that are in your area.

You have an opportunity here Fallen. Don't see this as a negative, but an effective way to work through what has happened, why it's happened, and learn what you need to know, so that it never happens again. To come to terms with this without having to carry it for years and years will see you live a much healthier life.

Good luck Fallen.

I was thinking about this off and on all day, and it is a relief that you are considering counselling for your own sake.

Start with your family Doctor, for a referral. If you are in school, find out if there is anything there. You could also look for assistance through social services that are in your area.

You have an opportunity here Fallen. Don't see this as a negative, but an effective way to work through what has happened, why it's happened, and learn what you need to know, so that it never happens again. To come to terms with this without having to carry it for years and years will see you live a much healthier life.

Good luck Fallen.

Thank you for all your help. I will be taking the proper steps in order to make sure that all of your advice was not given in vain. Do take care :)

I was thinking about this off and on all day, and it is a relief that you are considering counselling for your own sake.

Start with your family Doctor, for a referral. If you are in school, find out if there is anything there. You could also look for assistance through social services that are in your area.

You have an opportunity here Fallen. Don't see this as a negative, but an effective way to work through what has happened, why it's happened, and learn what you need to know, so that it never happens again. To come to terms with this without having to carry it for years and years will see you live a much healthier life.

Good luck Fallen.

Jake you always give great advice!

Thank you Kitkat, appreciate that. And, so do you. We're a good bunch here.

FallenfromGrace, you're taking an important step by getting counseling and I applaud you for it.

The first thing you're going to have to do, when going to counseling, is admit what you did, accept what you did, put the blame where it lies, not with the pot, but with you.

You did something that obviously isn't in your normal character. You found out something about yourself, that you have it within you to harm another person irreparably.

You can get counseling and change this before before you do it again. I only hope that the person you molested also gets therapy because sadly, this will effect him for the rest of his life. This won't go away simply because you're sorry. I hope you understand that.

I am now 39 years old and I'm still haunted by what was done to me. It will always be a part of me and I'm sure that my cousin, the person that molested me, just thinks that it was a lapse in judgment, an oops, even though it continued for years, not just one night.

The rape was only one incident, I was 18 when that happened, a friend of my boyfriend who I trusted. He left more then just emotional scars.

I am not who I could have been if these events hadn't happened. I had to learn to love who I am despite my past and I'll tell you, it took time, understanding and therapy. I'm a work in progress.

You need to get rid of these demons and make sure that you never again harm another human being in this way. I hope you really understand what you did. I hope you are disgusted with it enough that you would never ever let it happen again.

I really hope I'm making myself clear, that you're not reading this thinking I'm being overly dramatic. Trust me, having been a victim, I know what I'm talking about. I hope you read this and realize that your ex-friend is a victim of you. He will always be a victim of your actions. Now change them in the future. Okay?

FallenfromGrace, you're taking an important step by getting counseling and I applaud you for it.

The first thing you're going to have to do, when going to counseling, is admit what you did, accept what you did, put the blame where it lies, not with the pot, but with you.

You did something that obviously isn't in your normal character. You found out something about yourself, that you have it within you to harm another person irreparably.

You can get counseling and change this before before you do it again. I only hope that the person you molested also gets therapy because sadly, this will effect him for the rest of his life. This won't go away simply because you're sorry. I hope you understand that.

I am now 39 years old and I'm still haunted by what was done to me. It will always be a part of me and I'm sure that my cousin, the person that molested me, just thinks that it was a lapse in judgment, an oops, even though it continued for years, not just one night.

The rape was only one incident, I was 18 when that happened, a friend of my boyfriend who I trusted. He left more then just emotional scars.

I am not who I could have been if these events hadn't happened. I had to learn to love who I am despite my past and I'll tell you, it took time, understanding and therapy. I'm a work in progress.

You need to get rid of these demons and make sure that you never again harm another human being in this way. I hope you really understand what you did. I hope you are disgusted with it enough that you would never ever let it happen again.

I really hope I'm making myself clear, that you're not reading this thinking I'm being overly dramatic. Trust me, having been a victim, I know what I'm talking about. I hope you read this and realize that your ex-friend is a victim of you. He will always be a victim of your actions. Now change them in the future. Okay?

Altenweg, you are a very brave person. After the horrible incidents in your life you still choose to make a positive impact on others. That's something to be very proud of.

Altenweg, you are a very brave person. After the horrible incidents in your life you still choose to make a positive impact on others. That's something to be very proud of.

Thanks Kitkat. I don't like to mention what happened to me, I only do so when I think that it's necessary to the posters here. Sadly, lately, it seems that it's often necessary. I don't know if it's because abusers and abused are more open to talking about what happened, or if it's happening more often.

If it's the latter, that's a scary thought.

Thanks Kitkat. I don't like to mention what happened to me, I only do so when I think that it's necessary to the posters here. Sadly, lately, it seems that it's often necessary. I don't know if it's because abusers and abused are more open to talking about what happened, or if it's happening more often.

If it's the latter, that's a scary thought.

Yes it is. I am astounded at some of the things I have read on this forum. I mean you read about all these thingss in the newspaper and see it on TV but when someone actually contacts this site with their problems , I wonder, how many more are out there who don't have any
Help.

Yes it is. I am astounded at some of the things I have read on this forum. I mean you read about all these thingss in the newspaper and see it on TV but when someone actually contacts this site with their problems , I wonder, how many more are out there who don't have any
help.

I'd venture to guess that too many don't have any help. Too many are too afraid to step up and admit what happened. I'm one of them.

I may speak of my past here, but I never pressed charges against either of my attackers. My cousin is still very happily living her life with no consequences for what she did to me. She scared me into silence, not hard to do to a 5 year old. My only consolation is that by keeping it silent my parents died not knowing, without the pain that this would have brought them. They wouldn't have let it go, they were the best parents ever. I'm glad they didn't have to live with that knowledge, live fighting that fight.

The guy that raped me beat me up pretty good. I made excuses to my friends and family. The wonderful, I fell down the stairs, I cut myself by accident, I can't walk right because I bumped into a wall excuses. They bought it. I couldn't tell, I was too ashamed. For a very long time I blamed myself. He raped me in my own home. In my own bed. I let him in the house. I felt like I was to blame. I know better now, but it's too late for me to press charges, that was... OMG, that was 21 years ago! :eek:

Now I'm feeling a bit old. ;)

I guess time doesn't heal everything, it just makes you stronger and that you are.

Alty every time that I hear reference to the terrible things that happened to you I feel a deep sadness and shame that this world can produce people capable of such terrible things.

But I also feel great pride that someone can have your determination and strength of character to be the person that you are and share your story when it may benefit others.

Hugs and kudos to you Alty.

I guess time doesn't heal everything, it just makes you stronger and that you are.

Now you're making me blush. :o It's not a good look for me. ;)

I am stronger, not because of what happened to me, but because I accept it, live with it, let it be a part of me but not define me. I am who I am, not only because of my past but because I can look to the future, even while living in the now.

I'm blessed. I have a husband that I love, a man that accepts who I am. We have two beautiful children and a house full of animals. We are happy. I can't ask for more then that, no one can.

Whenever I do feel down about my past I remind myself that I got lucky. There are billions of people out there that have suffered through far worse then I can even imagine, let alone endure.

One of the reasons I'm here on this site is to help others get past that victim mentality, to move forward. I don't know if I've helped anyone do that but I certainly hope so. If I can help just one person see that they're more then what's happened to them, that their future isn't written in stone because of the past, well then I've done some good. One person out of billions, that's who I try to help every day. That's why I'm here and that's why I tell my story.

No one is alone on this earth, there is always someone out there that understands their pain.

Alty every time that I hear reference to the terrible things that happened to you I feel a deep sadness and shame that this world can produce people capable of such terrible things.

But I also feel great pride that someone can have your determination and strength of character to be the person that you are and share your story when it may benefit others.

Hugs and kudos to you Alty.

I had to spread the rep. :(

Neverme, thank you. Please, don't think that I'm someone special, I'm not. I know more people that have been molested or raped then I know people that haven't been. That's reality. The reality is also that one of my children will most likely have to go through molestation or rape at one time, most likely 2 times in their lives. That's the statistics. That's what scares me most.

The world is full of people that do wrong, that don't think about the harm they do when they cross that line. That's the world we live in. We can either cower in the corner, suck our thumbs, hope that it doesn't hit home, or we can stand up, talk about our experiences, make a difference, hope that things change, protect the ones we love and those we don't even know.

I can't put my kids in a bubble. I can only educate them, make them as safe as I can. I do have issues, one of them is leaving my kids to go out with my husband. There is only one person I trust to babysit and he's a few years younger then me, a good friend and sadly very busy and lives 1 hour away. I won't leave my kids with anyone but him. That's my issue, that's something I can't change. That's the protection I can offer, as silly as it may be.

I also do talk to my kids about being careful, to the point that I might be scaring them. What gets me is all this talk about educating your kids on "stranger danger". The stats say that most people that are raped or molested are victims of someone they know. That's true for me, for both instances. It's very scary when you look at an Aunt or Uncle and wonder if they'll harm your child. That's something I'm still working on.

One thing I know, I know, most people that are molested or raped do not become molesters. There are those that cross the line, no doubt about that, but is it because they were molested? Is it because they were raped? I think it's an imbalance, something that was there from the beginning, it's just a coincidence that they were also molested and became molesters. I have experienced being a victim. Because of that I could never ever do to someone else what was done to me. The very thought of it makes me ill. I could not do it. It's not in me. It never was, it never will be.

Okay, now I'm babbling and I'm hijacking this thread. 100 lashes with a wet noodle for me. :o

Naw, your not hijacking this thread, you inspire too many to keep going no matter what life throws at us. That's not hijacking in my book.

Now you're making me blush. :o It's not a good look for me. ;)

I am stronger, not because of what happened to me, but because I accept it, live with it, let it be a part of me but not define me. I am who I am, not only because of my past but because I can look to the future, even while living in the now.

I'm blessed. I have a husband that I love, a man that accepts who I am. We have two beautiful children and a house full of animals. We are happy. I can't ask for more then that, no one can.

Whenever I do feel down about my past I remind myself that I got lucky. There are billions of people out there that have suffered through far worse then I can even imagine, let alone endure.

One of the reasons I'm here on this site is to help others get past that victim mentality, to move forward. I don't know if I've helped anyone do that but I certainly hope so. If I can help just one person see that they're more then what's happened to them, that their future isn't written in stone because of the past, well then I've done some good. One person out of billions, that's who I try to help every day. That's why I'm here and that's why I tell my story.

No one is alone on this earth, there is always someone out there that understands their pain.

A wonderful husband, two beautiful children and your sweet little animals.
Sounds like a happy ending. Blessings to you Altenweg and I truly mean that.

Naw, your not hijacking this thread, you inspire too many to keep going no matter what life throws at us. Thats not hijacking in my book.


I'm so glad I'm on this forum and talaniman you are so kind. I feel the same way. Altenweg is a great inspiration to all of us.

Naw, your not hijacking this thread, you inspire too many to keep going no matter what life throws at us. Thats not hijacking in my book.

Why do I always have to spread the rep? :(

Thank you Tal.

I don't see myself as inspiring, I'm merely one of many that have lived to tell the tale. One of many that has survived what was done and moved on.

If even one person reads what I write and moves forward because of it, well, that's worth opening the wound. That's worth more then millions.

If one more person comes and tells their tale, shares what happened, inspires someone else to get help, to learn to move on, that's worth the world.

It's a chain. I didn't start it but I'll keep it going. The chain of change, the chain of acceptance, the chain of knowledge. I'm probably the weakest link, but I'm willing to hang tight and hope that one person has a chance, even if it's only the weak link they're talking to. :)

Beer anyone? I think I'll have one. ;)

You just need to let it cool Down and in a couple weeks talk to him

Why do I always have to spread the rep? :(

Thank you Tal.

I don't see myself as inspiring, I'm merely one of many that have lived to tell the tale. One of many that has survived what was done and moved on.

If even one person reads what I write and moves forward because of it, well, that's worth opening the wound. That's worth more then millions.

If one more person comes and tells their tale, shares what happened, inspires someone else to get help, to learn to move on, that's worth the world.

It's a chain. I didn't start it but I'll keep it going. The chain of change, the chain of acceptance, the chain of knowledge. I'm probably the weakest link, but I'm willing to hang tight and hope that one person has a chance, even if it's only the weak link they're talking to. :)

Beer anyone? I think I'll have one. ;)

Am I allowed to tell you about a post I just replied to. A young lady who is going through quite a struggle?

Am I allowed to tell you about a post I just replied to. A young lady who is going through quite a struggle?

Sure. Probably best to PM me the link. :)

Alty I'd like to think that I have been on the site for a while and have seen the 'general go' of it.

You are an inspiration, whether you know or accept that, because you have a good heart and open that to the people that need your help. In turn, you INSPIRE the rest of us to attempt to do the same.

I came on this site because, like many of the people here, I was hurting and did not know where I could turn for answers. I stayed because I am straight up, honest and have been through some stuff, as we all have in our lives. The experiences I have gone through have given me an insight into how we deal with pain and heartache and if I can help one person see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel then I'll be happy.

Now I might be guily of highjacking now but I think it is important that you know that you have inspired.

When I finally get into therapy, I might post my progress here. Once again, a big "Thank you!" to all who contributed to this thread.

Please do.

Glad you're getting help!

All right, Houston, we've run into a slight problem.

My friends from my former friend's apartment are now facebooking me and asking where I've been. I keep telling them that I've been working and hanging out with other friends. They want me to come over and hangout.

Knowing my former friend, he'll either be in his room or in the lobby. If he's in the lobby, he will see me coming into the building, and I don't know if he'll freak out upon seeing me.

What do I do? I don't want my other friends to get the impression that I'm ignoring them. I keep making up excuses as to why I haven't been visiting as frequently as I used to and I feel that they might start getting the impression that I no longer want to be bothered with them.

Alright, Houston, we've run into a slight problem.

My friends from my former friend's apartment are now facebooking me and asking where I've been. I keep telling them that I've been working and hanging out with other friends. They want me to come over and hangout.

Knowing my former friend, he'll either be in his room or in the lobby. If he's in the lobby, he will see me coming into the building, and I don't know if he'll freak out upon seeing me.

What do I do? I don't want my other friends to get the impression that I'm ignoring them. I keep making up excuses as to why I haven't been visiting as frequently as I used to and I feel that they might start getting the impression that I no longer want to be bothered with them.


STAY AWAY!! Don't go anywhere your ex friend may be. You are asking for trouble!:eek::eek:

You ask for imput I gave you mine . You disagree that's your option. I think you are going to do whatever makes you feel better and everyone else be damned
You don't want to hear what is best for you and your friend, You want everyone to say it's okay. Sorry it's not! You committed sexual assault on someone who trusted you. You keep fanning the flames and the fire is going to get out of control. You are a selfish person. Leave the man with some dignity!

Tell your friends to come to your place. There's the solution!

You must decide that for yourself.

How important is their friendship to you and what would be the possible outcome of a confrontation?

It's your choice.

Just a heads up on something I forgot to mention, my lease here expires in August and I'll be moving to the building where he stays as a continuation of my stay and employment.

Why is that necessary?

I think you do whatever it takes to stay out of this guys way. Friends can visit you, and is it really fair that your victim has to see your face every day, and relive what you did?

That's a disaster waiting to happen, and you better make other arrangements. Surely you see that, out of compassion, and remorse, if nothing else.

Have you ever given any thought to moving away? You think this guy is
Going to forget what happened? NOT! You made the mess, you need to stay away cause there is no way you can clean it up! If your friends care about you ,let them come to your place. Why do you keep giving us these situations where you HAVE TO be around him?:confused:

I agree Kitkat, This is a SERIOUS issue. NOTE: YOU COULD BE CHARGED! Sure, he PROBABLY Won't. But if you keep hanging around and using these excuses he may just do that! This is serious! I can't stress that enough! Get your friends to come to your house, relocate, find a new job etc. No excuse. Don't make this worse.

I originally felt a bit sorry for you. I have smoked and it doesn't agree with me at all. I have done 'crazy' things, though never anything this serious. Just more like hiding in a corner or getting paranoid and climbing fences. I know that everyone can react differently. BUt there isn't an excuse for this!

I know my thoughts on weed were STUPID and SCARY at times. Yet, you have to make sure you don't ever act on them. Never smoke it again.

Also, now I'm not sure sure that it was so 'accidental'. I mean, you are still not showing signs of remorse for his feelings! You still aren't taking REAL action

i agree Kitkat, This is a SERIOUS issue. NOTE: YOU COULD BE CHARGED! sure, he PROBABLY WONT. but if you keep hanging around and using these excuses he may just do that! this is serious! i can't stress that enough! Get your friends to come to your house, relocate, find a new job etc. No excuse. dont make this worse.

I originally felt a bit sorry for you. I have smoked and it doesnt agree with me at all. I have done 'crazy' things, though never anything this serious. Just more like hiding in a corner or getting paranoid and climbing fences. I know that everyone can react differently. BUt there isnt an excuse for this!

I know my thoughts on weed were STUPID and SCARY at times. yet, you have to make sure you dont ever act on them. Never smoke it again.

Also, now im not sure sure that it was so 'accidental'. i mean, you are still not showing signs of remorse for his feelings! you still arent taking REAL action

Not having an actual job where I get paid, I just work for this company for free rent. I signed both leases in agreement with the company over a month ago, way before this incident ever happened. I can't just move to another building, even though I do want to, not without having any money to pay forward for a new place.

Understand, I am NOT trying to push myself closer to my former friend. If I were truly asking for trouble, I would have gone over to his apartment building by now. Whether you want to believe it or not, I am very much so considering his feelings as to what happened, as well as the outcome of what could happen should he ever see me on such short notice.

Marijuana doesn't hinder your judgement to the point where you can't hold back your impulses. However, it can cause you to be relaxed and act on your urges.

In your sub-conscience, you were probably planning this for months or maybe since the day you two broke the fling off...

What you did to your friend is inexcusable. You need to leave him alone and figure out if he feels its right in his mind to forgive you and leave everything in the past. Stop trying to convince him that your sorry. I think one sincere apology is more than acceptable, its up to him to want to accept it. Don't go being noble and turn yourself in. Quite honestly, even though I don't agree, it was a mistake. Just leave your friend alone. Let him get his head back on. If he feels that you are a valuable friend in his life, then he'll forgive you on his own terms.

Good luck!

Don't panic, I think you have until August, to try and get viable alternative lodgings, and it would start with maybe getting your new lease changed, since it has yet to be executed. Be aware that a reasonable explanation may be needed, but divulging the real reason, your act of insanity, needs to be kept between you and your victim.

Even alternative employment would be better than him having to see you everyday.

Your actions have consequences, sorry, and that limits your options and opportunities, but your not in jail, or a hospital, so count your blessings.

Don't panic, I think you have until August, to try and get viable alternative lodgings, and it would start with maybe getting your new lease changed, since it has yet to be executed. Be aware that a reasonable explanation may be needed, but divulging the real reason, your act of insanity, needs to be kept between you and your victim.

Even alternative employment would be better than him having to see you everyday.

Your actions have consequences, sorry, and that limits your options and opportunities, but your not in jail, or a hospital, so count your blessings.


I totally agree. But I believe he is going to come up with every excuse in the world. Some people WILL NOT take anyone's advice if they don't like what they hear. It just burns me up to think he committed a felony.

If I were the friend if he does come over, I would press charges. Enough is enough! I think a lot of us probably have drank alcohol or smoked a joint when we were young. You get over that when you grow up. Oh, by the way possession is also a crime. It didn't make me want to jump anyone's bones.


I just can't get over the fact it was taken so lightly! Apologies are futile for the guy.

I smoked pot on a regular basis, twenty or so years ago. And not once did I sodomize a sleeping female(I am male, and straight). So, stop blaming the weed. You tried to take something that you wanted, and got caught.

This is definitely a form of sexual assault, no matter how "moral" you may think you are.

This friend of yours has to deal with this situation in silence, because of the shame that you have forced upon him. And now you are asking how to explain to YOUR friends your absence? Give me a break!

How about telling them the truth? Either that, or stay away.

And read the site rules. "Disagree" is for factually incorrect answers. Not for simply being upset with someone who's trying to help you out of a mess that you've made for yourself.

Your sexual preference is your business. I will not judge you for that. But it is a touchy subject for many straight guys, and you have turned a friend into a victim.

You should stay away from this guy at all costs.

His feelings should be your highest concern.

Counseling is a good start.

What I don't understand about the whole thing is this; You hear about date rape every time you read the paper or turn on the news. Usually it is a female. I think in this case had it been a female he would be in jail.
However the guy who was raped isn't pressing charges, because more than likely he's ashamed.

I think of all the silent victims male and female who have experienced this same thing and haven't spoken out because they are ashamed. They shouldn't be, it isn't their fault that there are perverts in the world. It isn't because he's gay that I say these things, that's between him and God. I feel sorry for the guy who's the victim.

The name of this thread is "Will I ever live this down?" Meaning YOU.

It should be " Will my friend ever forgive me?" or " Is my friend plotting revenge after I sexually assaulted him?"

Is it always all about you in your world?

Do you not feel remorse?

The name of this thread is "Will I ever live this down?" Meaning YOU.

It should be " Will my friend ever forgive me?" or " Is my friend plotting revenge after I sexually assaulted him?"

Is it always all about you in your world?

Do you not feel remorse?

Often putting the needs of others before my own, no, everything isn't all about me. Obviously, I feel bad over what I allowed myself to do. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered coming here.

Often putting the needs of others before my own, no, everything isn't all about me. Obviously, I feel bad over what I allowed myself to do. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered coming here.

But do you feel bad for the guy? Or are you feeling bad because it didn't work out the way you had planned? And got caught?

You either thought that he wasn't going to wake up, or that he would wake up and go along with it. All because he kissed you before.

Just be glad that he isn't going to press charges, or plan an attack on you. And give us a break on which friends you are missing. Or if they think you are rude.

All of this will be in the past one day. I sincerely hope you are serious about going to counseling.

I hope that the victim does too.

Fiirst the excuses about being high when you assaulted your "friend". Now another excuse as to why you have to move back in where he is. It's always going to be about what you want.

I honestly don't know why you keep pushing this. The answer is simple , find another part of town to live in. As for your friends I'm about one-hundred percent sure you told them. Have you ever considered they may want to see you get what's coming to you?

But do you feel bad for the guy? Or are you feeling bad because it didn't work out the way you had planned? And got caught?

You either thought that he wasn't going to wake up, or that he would wake up and go along with it. All because he kissed you before.

Just be glad that he isn't going to press charges, or plan an attack on you. And give us a break on which friends you are missing. Or if they think you are rude.

All of this will be in the past one day. I sincerely hope you are serious about going to counseling.

I hope that the victim does too.

Once again, I never planned anything. I already stated that, yes, maybe I did subconsciously want it to happen, but I never planned anything out.

Do I feel bad for him? Absolutely! He and I were friends, we looked out for one another, and I betrayed his trust by making stupid decisions. I was molested by my 13-year old cousin when I was merely six years of age, and, even though I have forgiven, I've never forgotten. I don't expect my former friend to welcome me back into his good graces with open arms, not already having some knowledge on similar situations. I've already accepted that I may lose him as a friend, completely.

I'm seeking counseling. In a sense, I was already seeking counseling when I came here, professional or non. I'm used to harsh criticism, and I'd much rather someone give me harsh criticism than sugarcoat their commentary. The reason why I disagreed with KitKat, going off the site rules, is because he/she was, indeed, wrong by saying that I'm asking for trouble and "fanning the flames". I just feel like I'm being made to seem like an all-around bad person when I am not.

jmjoseph is correct, once again... I would give a greenie, have to spread the love.

"Victim" Exacty, because after all, that's what he is... I too hope you get the help you need.

It's good that you see YOU have a problem! Now the next step is to get PROFESSIONAL help!

The next time you feel temptation arise, leave the room! Because next time, may be the last time... You could end up in jail, beaten, or even dead!

Good luck!

Fiirst the excuses about being high when you assaulted your "friend". Now another excuse as to why you have to move back in where he is. It's always going to be about what you want.

I honestly don't know why you keep pushing this. The answer is simple , find another part of town to live in. As for your friends I'm about one-hundred percent sure you told them. Have you ever considered they may want to see you get what's coming to you?

That's nothing to consider, because I haven't told them. If I had, I wouldn't have to constantly provide reasons as to why I haven't been around, because they'd know the real reason. Again, you're constantly pushing what you *think* is going on with the situation as if it's fact.

Once again, I never planned anything. I already stated that, yes, maybe I did subconsciously want it to happen, but I never planned anything out.

Do I feel bad for him? Absolutely! He and I were friends, we looked out for one another, and I betrayed his trust by making stupid decisions. I was molested by my 13-year old cousin when I was merely six years of age, and, even though I have forgiven, I've never forgotten. I don't expect my former friend to welcome me back into his good graces with open arms, not already having some knowledge on similar situations. I've already accepted that I may lose him as a friend, completely.

I'm seeking counseling. In a sense, I was already seeking counseling when I came here, professional or non. I'm used to harsh criticism, and I'd much rather someone give me harsh criticism than sugarcoat their commentary. The reason why I disagreed with KitKat, going off of the site rules, is because he/she was, indeed, wrong by saying that I'm asking for trouble and "fanning the flames". I just feel like I'm being made to seem like an all-around bad person when I am not.

Good people make bad decisions sometimes. This post here is more heartfelt than the others.

Go get help, and learn from this.

I refuse to argue this. Say what you want. You asked for imput I gave it, "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen"

I have worked with kids who have been abused and neglected and 99% of them have grown into wonderful mothers and fathers. Sorry it happened to you but by doing what you did to your friend, you are just continuing the cycle.


Really, please get help. I'm sorry for what happened to you . I hope you get help. Okay.

I refuse to argue this. Say what you want. You asked for imput I gave it,. "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen"

I have worked with kids who have been abused and neglected and 99% of them have grown into wonderful mothers and fathers. Sorry it happened to you but by doing what you did to your friend, you are just continuing the cycle.

Nothing to argue, really. Just don't act like you know the ins and outs of the entire situation.

Other than that, I agree completely with the second half of your post.

What I don't understand about the whole thing is this; You hear about date rape every time you read the paper or turn on the news. Usually it is a female. I think in this case had it been a female he would be in jail.
However the guy who was raped isn't pressing charges, because more than likely he's ashamed.

I think of all the silent victims male and female who have experienced this same thing and haven't spoken out because they are ashamed. They shouldn't be, it isn't their fault that there are perverts in the world. It isn't because he's gay that I say these things, that's between him and God. I feel sorry for the guy who's the victim.

Speaking from a victims point of view, it's hard to come forward and admit what happened. There is shame involved, male or female, but the major thing for me was guilt.

You're probably wondering what a 5 year old has to feel guilty about when being molested by a teenager. Well, the mind is cruel. I felt that I had somehow brought on her behavior, that I had said something or done something to make her do what she did.

The same is true of the rape. He was a friend of my ex, I let him in my house, he raped me in my very own bed. Yes, I said no. Yes, I fought him, but still, I let him in the house. Guilt.

One thing I know for sure, and it's a sad fact, victims of sexual assault that do take their assailants to court, well most times they're made to look like the bad guy, not the victim. Everything you've done, worn, said, every action is scrutinized. It's the job of the scumbags lawyer to make it look like you wanted it, you asked for it.

The rapes we hear about are a tiny percent of the actual people being raped each year. Most of us live in silence.

From what I understand from reading bits and pieces of this thread.. You're moving into the SAME apt. building?? WHY?? You might as well buy the bullets, load the gun and hand it to your former friend.

That's a pretty dumb move if that is indeed what is going on. Your former friend, if feeling threatened or uncomfortable, is going to get you for stalking him.

You need to take blame for your actions whole heartedly. You need to find a job that will take you away from this situation completely, if not for anyone else but yourself. Why do you want to antagnoize yourself? If you feel bad for what you have done, why do you want to look your mistake in the face every day as a huge, ugly reminder that you ruined your friendship by making a dumb move?

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably leave town for awhile and start a new life else where. I don't know if you're an active gay man, but you don't think that your former buddy isn't going to confide with someone who he trusts within your circle of friends? That's almost guaranteed.

How about you make this less painful for YOURSELF and just leave it alone and leave. You made the choices, now you have to live with the consequences.

Please take the advice and do what is right. You know what the right thing is.

You have stepped in a hornets nest for sure, not just by your actions, but even in coming here, but I give you props for staying and listening.

I think you will try to do the right thing by yourself, and others, and hope it works out.

Not an easy path to take, but I think you have made a major step in that direction because a lot of people can't even admit their mistakes, so end up repeating them, and hurt someone else.

You have a chance not to be one of those, so don't blow it.

You have stepped in a hornets nest for sure, not just by your actions, but even in coming here, but I give you props for staying and listening.

I think you will try to do the right thing by yourself, and others, and hope it works out.

Not an easy path to take, but I think you have made a major step in that direction because a lot of people can't even admit their mistakes, so end up repeating them, and hurt someone else.

You have a chance not to be one of those, so don't blow it.

Listen to this advice. You need help!