:( Hi, Can you help with some advice.

I began seeing a girl (18) who is bisexual and who I really liked. When I started seeing her she told me she was going to university in a month. Because of this I thought it would be nothing serious. We had a month of great times and became really close. (honeymoon period). When she left for uni, she wanted us to continue together as a couple.

During her first week away. She missed me and I travelled down to see her. Everything was great. We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and that's why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

I really love this girl and I am angry at my reaction and want her back. However she is not speaking to me at the moment.

Can you advise on how I get this girl back into my life and also how I deal with what she has done!

If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

She is now saying that this action was a mistake, evan though she did not say this at the time. She is friends with all her ex's and says I have treat her with more disrespect than any other partner. ( I did not let my friends use her? ). This hurts.


I am very confused as to where to go now, how to proceed. Can you helpl

Sorry that you are hurting. My first impression here is that the two of you may just be incompatible in your sexual beliefs and practices. If so, you may just want to consider being friends only. If you do decide to be friends or if you do get back together you will have to figure out a way to forget the past and move on in the present together. If you can't trust somebody, you shouldn't be with them. Since she isn't speaking to you anyway, give her space and leave her alone. If she gets over her anger and misses you, she will contact you. Maybe then start slowly and try to be friends if you like and see if it leads to more if that's what you want. May be a mistake though because as I said before, you may be sexually incompatible leading to an even uglier breakup in the future if you can't deal with certain things. Nothing wrong with it if you can't. You know what is right for you or not. Just proceed with a lot of caution. Probably best to just leave it alone and find a more compatible girl though in my opinion.

:( Hi, Can you help with some advice.

I began seeing a girl (18) who is bisexual and who I really liked. When I started seeing her she told me she was going to university in a month. Because of this I thought it would be nothing serious. We had a month of great times and became really close. (honeymoon period). When she left for uni, she wanted us to continue together as a couple.

During her first week away. She missed me and i travelled down to see her. Everything was great. We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

I really love this girl and i am angry at my reaction and want her back. However she is not speaking to me at the moment.

Can you advise on how I get this girl back into my life and also how I deal with what she has done!

If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

She is now saying that this action was a mistake, evan though she did not say this at the time. She is friends with all her ex's and says I have treat her with more disrespect than any other partner. ( I did not let my friends use her? ). This hurts.


I am very confused as to where to go now, how to proceed. Can you helpl
You are confused because you are in a confusing relationship with a woman who is confused. I don't know this woman's background but I feel she has a lot of issues to work through on her own. I know this is hard to hear but I feel that she has done you a favour by ending this relationship and you should not try to get back with her as she is emotionally very immature.

Wow, what are you doing? Don't things like that you know it is not correct, what about diseases? What about feelings? So it just about sex? You want a person just for sex or to have a relationship? I always say the same , you know the answer better than anyone

We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me.

First things first, what happened in her past has nothing to do with the relationship you were in with her. You cannot dwell on someone's past, everyone has a past and you should always look to the future.

There is also a possibility that she was lying about what she had done and yet was using this to fulfill her own fantasy you describe. When you questioned her about what she said, she may have just closed off because she did not want to dive deeper into the lie. That is a possibility but not necessarily the truth.

She may have closed off because she had done what she described as a fantasy yet did not want to discuss it because it made her feel substandard in the opinion of yourself, someone she was then in a relationship with. This again is a possibility but not necessarily the truth.


When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I am not surprised she ended the relationship. You were questioning her past too much and if it is true about what she did, personally I would not judge her as a substandard person. Like one of the previous posters said, she may have different sexual beliefs at this stage in her life with her being so young. I am not condoning this type of sexual practice yet before she was with you, it was her choice to experiment in this way if she felt that this was fulfilling part of her self discovery. What you must remember is that she was with you in a relationship and I see no sign of her indicating that she wanted you to take part in this kind of practice and yet you judge her by what she indicates she has done in the past. When she told you this:
The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

She may have been feeling that she must make a huge effort to say this to you to avoid the very critical opinions you have now placed on her.


I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

You have pushed her away through the way you have judged her and now perhaps made her feel substandard. She does not want to be with someone that sees her this way.


If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

I cannot help but feel that this has more to do with your own insecurities and whether you feel that you can live up to her expectations based on the things she says she has done. Be honest with yourself here because it may explain the reason you reacted in the way you did. I am sure you care and you would not like to think of the one you care about being used like that but the PAST IS THE PAST!! I could be wrong but insecurity can disguise itself in many forms and sometimes we can project our insecurities onto others, a kind of denial so that we don't need to deal with them. I am not a psychologist and I can't read minds but it seems logical that this could perhaps explain why people behave in certain ways.

You must also realise that sex is only a small part of a relationship with another person. It is a physical bond that is surrounded by the emotional bond that you have together. There is so much more to a relationship than dwelling on someone's sexual past and for a successful relationship to work, there needs to be trust from both sides.

Personally, I think she is too young anyway to be in a serious relationship and perhaps you may be too?

You are probably going to meet other women in your life who you develop an emotional attachment to who have a past. Try not to judge someone too much by their past but look at how they have improved and developed as a person. It all takes time!

Nothing more I can say, except good luck with whatever happens and I wish you well!

This "relationship" is a little over a month old??

Too much + too fast = crash and burn. Usually fatal too.

You are essentially acquaintances acting like a married couple! YIKES, how is that supposed to work?

Next time slow down, slow waaaaaaay down. Try dating instead of jumping into a relationship that won't hold up because its too fast.

I see two issues here: Your anger, and your conflict over this girl's past.

You've written that a few times you've lost control and "said some horrible things". It's okay to be angry or upset, but you cannot be malicious or hurtful. You can't let your anger turn you into a monster. This is something you need to address with yourself.

It understandable that you're confused by the difference between this girl's words and her actions. Have you considered that maybe she feels as she does about "sex with strangers" as a result of her 3-way experience? You can't really know the entire story and background, so to jump to a conculsion would be a mistake.

I suspect you have more feelings of jealousy than of mis-trust for this girl. She's done the things you've only fantasized about. By speculating about how "she allowed herself" to be "used as an object ... or trophy" is doing nothing but poisoning yourself and feeding the anger.

I don't think she's engaging on very healthy behaviour either - but then again at 18, we all make bad decisions.

Temper, temper, If I were her, I would have kicked you to the curb also. For now forget everything else, and work on controlling your anger and expressing yourself in a more mature positive way. Your temper will ruin any relationship with anyone, even your dog if you don't get a grip.

Yeah, I agree with tal (again)..

Mind you, if you lose your temper with a goldfish, you may just get away with it and still maintain that bond. Don't they have a 6 second memory or something?.

No, on a serious note, I agree, you perhaps have anger problems in addition to what I said previously and perhaps need to work through these to adjust to a more healthier YOU!

THANK YOU GUYS.

Thank you guys for all your advice, some of hit was harsh reading but that is what I needed. I am looking at anger management at the moment, as this is an issue for me.

As for the girl, all the comments made are right. I have found out she is a self harmer, so my comments and actions would not of helped her, especially if she cannot express her own emotions. Doh! I would like to however make up for the hurtful, judgemental comments I made. I do not like the thought of someone thinking that is the real me.

I know I will never be back with her, too much to work through for that to happen. But I would like to part on a friendly basis.

Any suggestions?

The best way to part is be honest and up front. It may hurt her a little but it is in my opinion the only way to do it.

If your honest then that is being a true friend. True to yourself and true to her. Who knows, your bit of honesty might be what helps her get on the right track!

Hi for all those who have read my previous post, thank you all for your great advise. I am addressing all the points raised.

My proplem is that I have shown a lot of disrespect to the woman I love. Through frustration and anger, I lashed out. I am sorting my angry emotions out, but I want this girl back in my life.

She is not speaking to me and has asked me to leave her alone. Because I have been judgemental and disrespectfull she does not like me as a person. This is not the real person that I am.

I last spoke to her 5 days ago, when she said that we will not be friends. I have done the no contact rule for the last 5 days but this is killing me. I want to send her flowers to apologise and say that I made mistakes but don't know if this is wise.

How can I get this girl to be back in my life after what I have done?

Any advise?

Hi 4answers,

I am aware of your thread and the situation you are currently in.. here is a link for others if they need background to help respond: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/advise-help-45308.html

I think you definitely need to give it time for the dust to settle. You have hurt her by judging her in the way you did and now you are consumed with guilt because of that. Essentially, you took out your own anger and insecurities on her and now you have become aware of this problem, you want a chance to put it right.

Do you think going back with her now will resolve these problems you have with anger and any insecurities you have? Just because you recognise the problem, it does not mean you can wave a magic wand and put it right.

I quote you on what you said in your previous thread:
I know I will never be back with her, to much to work through for that to happen.

You are contradicting yourself now by saying you need her back in your life. You know however that there are things to work through relating to yourself and these things will take time for you to resolve.

Honesty is a good thing and admitting when you are in the wrong is a bold move. Flowers are unlikely to bring her back. Was the relationship quite young in terms of how long it went on for? If I am correct, was it just over a month old?

You see, if this correct, you were only with her for a short period and already your anger and insecurity had surfaced very quickly. She saw this and runs a mile before things get too deep.

Personally, I think she is gone for good and she has made this quite clear to you. Pushing her and trying to convince her otherwise is not going to work. It will push her further away.

I don't think any pain from this loss will last very long if you have not been emotionally invested in this relationship for very long. This in a way is the good thing about your situation. It leaves you with the freedom to take positive steps to work on your problems and make improvements to yourself, without the suffering that grieving will give you. That is not to say that you won't be a little hurt and perhaps feel a little rejected.

Who knows, if you did this alone, maybe she would come back but at the very least it would help you in the future to avoid the same mistakes and to have a more healthy relationship.

I wish you all the best in your voyage!

Yes, I remember you.. What exactly have you done to work on your anger issues, your history of showing disrespect for women, and your loss of self control in expressing frustration? Who have you gone to? What are your goals and how are you to achieve those goals? I am asking who has outlined anger amanagement strategies with you and agreed to counsel you? I do not need the name of the person - but want to know if you are truly following through. Anger does not go away on it's own.

As far as the girl is concerned, please let her have her own life. You keep pressing her and it is not going to draw her closer. You could find yourself with a restraining order. Then what are you going to do with your anger?

Please please get yourself well. History repeats itself time and time again UNLESS there is a conscious, dedicated, educated effort to make the difference. And do that for yourself, not because you want this girl in your life again.

Best mental health to you!

You need to work on yourself and your issues first before you can have any kind of relationship with her or anyone else. Forget about her for now and work on you. See a counselor and get the therapy that you need. Then after you truly do change for the better maybe you can give it another go.

Forget the girl. Work on your own problems. Flowers will not help you so get smart and get help if you need it. If you wanted answers why didn't you take heed in your other thread?

What are you doing to tackle your anger issues?

A real apology is to correct the action that caused the harm in the first place regardless whether it gets you the girl back or not. Anything short of that is only an attempt to smooth it over that only the foolish buy. This may be a lesson to you that while some things are preventable, other things, once damaged, are not repairable. Trust often is one of those. For me, any sort of abusive behavior would amount to a permanent ending no matter what since I already know, having learned the hard way, what second chances with that usually means.

Hi for all those who have read my previous post, thank you all for your great advise. I am addressing all the points raised.

My proplem is that I have shown a lot of disrespect to the woman I love. Through frustration and anger, I lashed out. I am sorting my angry emotions out, but I want this girl back in my life.

She is not speaking to me and has asked me to leave her alone. Because I have been judgemental and disrespectfull she does not like me as a person. This is not the real person that I am.

I last spoke to her 5 days ago, when she said that we will not be friends. I have done the no contact rule for the last 5 days but this is killing me. I want to send her flowers to apologise and say that I made mistakes but dont know if this is wise.

How can I get this girl to be back in my life after what I have done?

Any advise?
Hit her back tell her much you love her I have this one girl I'm trying to get back in my life but I did not do anything wrong it was transportatin trouble but tell her how much you love her and tell her that you are so so sry and you want to make everything beter and want it to work out and that you were in the wrong and that there will never be anybody else in this world that love her and will love her more than you

Hi for all those who have read my previous post, thank you all for your great advise. I am addressing all the points raised.

My proplem is that I have shown a lot of disrespect to the woman I love. Through frustration and anger, I lashed out. I am sorting my angry emotions out, but I want this girl back in my life.

She is not speaking to me and has asked me to leave her alone. Because I have been judgemental and disrespectfull she does not like me as a person. This is not the real person that I am.

I last spoke to her 5 days ago, when she said that we will not be friends. I have done the no contact rule for the last 5 days but this is killing me. I want to send her flowers to apologise and say that I made mistakes but dont know if this is wise.

How can I get this girl to be back in my life after what I have done?

Any advise?
Let it go , or wait

First of all she was disrepectful with you first when lie to you regarding sleeping with a
Total stranger .
Second , you have strong believes regarding relationships drawing to you in sayng what have you said her . Now , I have doubts regarding your motivation to be with her knowing what happened in her past and the fact she already lie to you.
But that is only my opinion(don't want to be rude to you). I really believe that if you and here go togheter you will can not handle this relation (the motives for what you did what you did are further in your mind but hide for now ).
Third : flowers may help , you have nothing to lose now .
Forget about no contact , in your situation apologize may help or not but without contact you can not aplogize , did you.
Have no expectation , but send her flowers and two words of sorry things.

Hi this relates to a previous post but better clarified.

Has anyone suffered from a co dependent / obsesive ex partner who would not let you go. How did this affect you and how did it make you view your ex.

I ask because I have just come out of a relationship, where I realise that I have had co dependency / obsesive actions, inability to let go and anger issues, that I am facing up to. But it is hard to see on the other person the full affects of this. And I don't know if there is any way someone can honestly make up for this.

The answers may help others to realise the destructive nature of their actions.

Thanks. 4 answers.

Hi, I know ecatly how you feel - I was somewhat obsessive over my ex when we broke up, and I'm sure it destroyed our relationship further. I feel like I was so stupid for doing it now, and in fact I find it hard to justify how I acted. I would never do it again.

I don't know what it's like from the other side, but I can see it being rather frightening. It probably also destroys your respect for that person.

Hope that helps a little..

Hi, I know ecatly how you feel - I was somewhat obsessive over my ex when we broke up, and i'm sure it destroyed our relationship further. I feel like I was so stupid for doing it now, and in fact I find it hard to justify how I acted. I would never do it again.

I don't know what it's like from the other side, but I can see it being rather frightening. It probably also destroys your respect for that person.

Hope that helps a little..

What did you do Capuchin that was obsessive if you don't mind me asking?

I just couldn't let go. I didn't have the no contact attitude back then :)

I just couldn't let go. I didnt have the no contact attitude back then :)

We all make mistakes Capuchin, at least it was a good learning tool for you!

I doubt you will repeat the same mistakes next time.

We all make mistakes Capuchin, at least it was a good learning tool for you!!

I doubt you will repeat the same mistakes next time.

Indeed, I was just a stupid kid back then right? :)

Indeed, I was just a stupid kid back then right? :)

I would not say stupid,

Just naïve and inexperienced in dealing with the situation at that time.

We rarely get things right first time.

I'm in the same boat as you Capuchin.

I was codependent on my ex as well. Made her think she was my world and that she was solely responsible for my happiness. I guess combined with meeting new people who showed an interest in her, she couldn't take it anymore and I was cut loose.

1 month+ of NC since the day she left. She wanted me out of her life, so I fell off the face of the Earth.

I'm in the same boat as you Capuchin.

I was codependent on my ex as well. Made her think she was my world and that she was solely responsible for my happiness. I guess combined with meeting new people who showed an interest in her, she couldn't take it anymore and I was cut loose.

1 month+ of NC since the day she left. She wanted me out of her life, so I fell off the face of the Earth.

Spot on Blaze,

Remember her age too.. at 18, she was not ready for that kind of commitment i.e. serious relationship.

With the co dependency being a factor too, it may have been a bit of a smothering situation for her.

But you are sorting all that out now right>?

Eh, she dumped me, used me for comfort while she needed it when she was stressed with exams, then told me that if I kept talking to her she would get her dad to talk to me, so we never spoke again, that hurt a lot, I'm not doing that again.

Eh, she dumped me, used me for comfort while she needed it when she was stressed with exams, then told me that if I kept talking to her she would get her dad to talk to me, so we never spoke again, that hurt a lot, i'm not doing that again.

Sorry to hear that..

Sounds like she kind of used you then, without knowing the ins and outs of the whole situation.

When did it end?

Ehh coming up on 2 years ago.

Spot on Blaze,

Remember her age too..at 18, she was not ready for that kind of commitment i.e. serious relationship.

With the co dependency being a factor too, it may have been a bit of a smothering situation for her.

But you are sorting all that out now right>?

She just wanted to be single for a change, I guess. I've stopped caring about why she wanted to go or what she's doing. If she wants to call, she knows how to contact me.

Yeah, I know the smothering feeling. I felt the same way as she did at one point, almost leaving her. But I went back to college and that gave me the space to think.

Doin' a whole lot of sorting out lately. Very little about her, though. Focusing on how NOT to be a WUSS anymore.

Doin' a whole lot of sorting out lately. Very little about her, though. Focusing on how NOT to be a WUSS anymore.

Good!

Just remember that the improvements you are making are not to be confused with changing who you really are.

You can still be a good man!

Just stronger - - You know this anyway, I can tell...

Well. I hope I don't seem that way towards my ex. I waited just less than 3 months before contacting him again. It is hard to draw the line I guess, because you love someone so much, you think contacting them will help but it doesn't. It doesn't help you or them.

You have all posted some really good stuff here that I would like to add a little to...

Just as some of you have seen me say that a little gambling, porno or weed smoking does not make for an addiction... the same goes for here since codependency is an addiction of sorts. Codependent behaviors does not make someone a codependent. It takes a pattern over time, repeated. We all pass through a stage growing up where our identities are finishing forming, where boundaries are not well established and our ability to communicate clearly under fire, like when a relationship is breaking up, isn't so hot. Its called YOUTH. LOL And fortunately the remedy is time and experience.

I am reminded of a woman, mid thirties I think, who posted here some time ago-- had four relationships all ended the same way-- each one more dramatic than the last. And while she was able to put some time in between each one, it was clear by how she talked about each one that she got lost in them, time and time again. The more she posted, the more you could see there wasn't a lot to her outside of these relationships. She ended the thread by disappearing after not very successfully defending that "that last one really was IT, the love of her life and she knew it two weeks into meeting him while there wasn't even a relationship at the point, nevermind what HE thought, gull dern it!!" :eek:

But with that said, it is important to think about what you are doing. To notice how you feel and be honest with yourself about it. If you are ever to solve things between you and you, its going to take knowing who you are and what's going on with you.

I really like what Capuchin said here:

Hi, I know excatly how you feel - I was somewhat obsessive over my ex when we broke up, and I'm sure it destroyed our relationship further. I feel like I was so stupid for doing it now, and in fact I find it hard to justify how I acted. I would never do it again.
Not the stupid part so much but the fact that the eyes are now so wide open there is no doing that again -- now there is a real lesson learned.

So I say, keep on learning cos'... its ALL GOOD!

The number one way to insure against codependency is to build yourself a full life as a single person and get involved with the same! Should you have any questions about codependency, I would be happy to answer them too.

To answer the original question posted here, I have been on both sides. To be the recipient of obsessive love is a big drag and when extreme, its scary. My first husband (marriage lasted one year-- he was abusive and had anger problems -- I got us into counseling two week after the wedding which he played games with so I left him after a year) did that to me EVEN after I divorced him. It is a long sad tale that finally ended.

Hi Guys, As most of you know I have been in a break up that involved unusual curcumstances.

I had a lot of anger issues, over the break up. With hindsight, they would not of been as bad had I iniated No Contact straigtht away. But you live and learn... Doh!

I am however struggling with the feelings of anger, over the break up, my reactions, my anger and its affects.

Has anyone had any experience of how best to get rid of the feelings of anger when they are directed towards yourself ?

Hi 4,

So sorry you are feeling this way. I was always a believer that under anger is great hurt.
Just realize you are still hurting and that is very normal.

What do you mean exactly that you are angry?

Are you blamin yourself for the collapse of the relationship maybe? If not on the surface it could be subconcious.

Hey 4.

I know what you're saying. If you're like me, your anger might stem from blaming yourself about the end of your relationship. This is natural and I'd like to think everyone goes through this (dumpees). The key thing is not to let the anger consume you. If it does, you will either lash out at yourself (doing self-hating things), at others (driving away friends), or most dangerously at your ex (which opens up new levels of hurt). Channeling your anger into construcutive projects help a great deal, whether going to the gym, doing a hobby, or using it as a (very powerful) motivation to change yourself. If you control your anger, rather than letting it control you, you'll see that you can use it to positive ends. Eventually, your anger will fade, and you will have made progress to boot!

I suggest working out. Exercise makes you feel better and if you really push yourself then you forget about everything else for awhile. I'm not a runner but when I lift I get a natural high that I think is a "runners high." If you don't like lifting then do cardio. Just do something. Walk if you have to.

Like Allheart I believe that anger has other things behind it. Hurt is definitely a part of anger. Frustration, probably because you feel stuck there. And the big daddy feeeling that loves to hide behind other feelings, fear. Fear maybe that you don't know how to process things like other people and never will. Or maybe that you'll never get what you want. If it is that, I am telling you now that is a BIG FAT LIE. It is important to get at what it really is, I think and for all humans that can take a bit of digging. We don't always tell ourselves the rock bottom truth about what's going on. And when we get to it, it often isn't a truth we've been telling ourselves either - GO FIGURE!

I saw your threads before, 4answers, and wanted to say something about what I have seen people with anger issues do. With help mostly, they found they could learn and learn they did and when they got done learning a few simple things, OMG what different people they were and effortlessly too! They learned that not knowing how to deal with anger constructively wasn't their fault, for starters. They were taught by people who didn't know any better too. But as adults, we are all free to change whatever was lacking in how we were raised. And so they learned and were set free from their pasts and their frustrations and their limitations. And you can be too.

Where I live there are anger management classes that I am sure you could attend. I think you just might be the only one there voluntarily but hoorah for that!! People are "sentenced" to them from domestic violence cases. But do not let that slow you down, pass go and collect $200 anyway! No, wait, that's monopoly LOL Look into if you have those classes in your area too. Look into what you can do to learn more about you and become empowered to do something about it...

I mean it could make such a difference to the entire rest of your life, you know?

PS - Self anger is always the toughest for me too. I like the physical approach too and usually vent it cleaning out closets LOL but also it's a clue for me to learn something and so I open myself up to that as well. A lot of times, right there in the middle of reconstructing the closet, a lightbulb goes on in my head and I suddenly get what it was I didn't get before!

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

My anger issues caused the original break up, then prevented a repair and drove the girl away. This was fuelled by frustration over the situation, the girl did not help matters, but I should not need her to act in a certain way to prevent me from being angry and lashing out.

Due to this I was horrible, nasty to and have given someone I care about a totally wrong opinion of me.

So I have a lot of anger over the situation, my reactions, my actions and the loss of the relationship because of this ! <A vicious spiral of self anger, that I am really strugling to cope with>

I am going to look into anger management, I believe that is good advice. (dont know about cleaning cuboards though!. lol).

This hopefully will prevent this from happening in the future because I will / may be in a position to prevent the lashing out.

But how do I deel with the feelings of Anger/ Guilt / Hurt / Loss all caused by myself which makes me angry!?

Hi 4,

Recognizing is a big major first step. Sounds like you are more frustrated with yourself and disappointed, as you know you are capable of doing and being so much better.

The anger management is excellent advice and I am sure they will help you greatly in sorting out how to deal with all of these negative feelings.

First, accept that all of this did happen, learn from it, take the lessons with you, but you have to at some point let the neagative feelings go and somehow turn it into a positive, like learning from it so as to prevent it from happening again.

The sooner you enroll in a management anger class, I would think the sooner you will be given insight in how to deal with all that you are experienicng.

Good for you in taking that first step of acknowlegement!!

Acceptance is the first step in dealing with anything, and learning is essential in finding ways to change how you deal with feelings and situations. Its not easy changing how we have been doing things in the passt but through practice we can change most things about us. Practice=work.

I have a trick I use when too angry but it takes a pretty firm belief that anger often is just fear with a lot of energy in it LOL so...

When angered I go looking for the fear. Honestly, its like being on an emotional safari. I ask myself a lot of questions. LOL Once I get the fear in my sites (and you'll know when it's the right one, its right there practically roaring at you!) I ask myself in as Spock-like manner as possible, is this fear accurate? 99.9% of the time it IS NOT and so I have a little sit-down-chat with myself and reprogram my thinking to something more truthful. By then a lot of the anger has subsided too and I have distracted myself from doing anything rash in the meantime!

This comes out of years of therapy but its an easy habit to develop and can work in many different circumstances. I hope that helps a little until you get to class. I am very pleased that you are willing to take that suggestion - I believe that action will pay and pay handsomely to you!

If you are angy (at yourself or others), or scared or hurt. I suggest you listen to a bruce springsteen album called "darkness on the edge of town". It is about exorcising some serious demons and it will make you realize that there are many people (everybody) who have gone and are going through the same emotions as you

Hi Guys for those following my story, I am having great difficulty putting the past relationship behind me. I have done no contact, but I cannot come to terms with the issues of the past relationship!!

I just cannot seem to accept that a person can be the way she is and just give up on a relationship. I know I should not think about things, but I am finding it very hard

Any suggestions / advice ?

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Isn't a mutual relationship someone you'd want?

Moved this from the other thread that you replied in as this relates to your new thread.



I have tried to talk to the girl about this to try to understand her but she will not discuss this. She is saying that I am viewing her past as something shamfull and disgusting, which is true, I view it that she allowed a stranger (in this case) to use her for his own sexual pleasure, and that disgusts me, when I cared about her.

My point is, is that this girl happilly undertakes in this behavour but then is not honest about it. ie if you sleep around and have one night stands, then as long as your open about it to your partner, not a problem. But to pretend your something your not is not good.

So you also need to consider the after affects of this type of behaviour !

Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but I am having diffuculty coming to terms with this and I was her new boyfriend !! How will your new girlfriend view this ?


You are getting caught up too much 4answers in her past. Does this have anything to do with what you are supposed to be achieving regrading your anger problems. U don't mean that in a patronising way since I have followed you threads and only want to help you like you have helped me.

Yes, what she did was promiscuous, but remember was it her past. They do say that past behavior is a good indication of future behavior but this is not always true. If you loved her like you indicate you do, then maybe it would have been best to give her the benefit of the doubt. Had she really given you any indication that she wanted to do this kind of thing again, especially while being in a relationship with you?

Remember that sometimes our own judgment of other peoples actions and behavior can sometimes be a reflection of our own insecurities.

Past is past which ever way you cut it>>>>>YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT

What action have you taken to approach you anger problems?

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I can't let it go. I guess I cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

I guess I wish her past was not there, I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered ! Not evan speaking... Like I am in the wrong!

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this... lol.

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found myself in and I could not handle her closed off response. Total not prepared for it !

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I can't let it go. I guess i cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

You must let go of the past, especially her past, because hers has nothing to do with you or any future you have with her or anyone else for that matter.

Also, she should not need your forgiveness for something she did that was in her past that did not involve you as she was not in a relationship with you.

4answers, I will give you an example related to my own situation. You know me and my ex are broke up after 3 years together. I know this because you have responded to me and helped me also. If my ex were now to go with any other man and do what she wants, it has nothing to do with me, nothing whatsoever, however much it hurts me, she is free to do what she likes. If (a very big if) at any point in the future, me and her were to get back together, what she did during the time apart is the past and also bears no significance of who she was as a person since it would have happened during a time where there was no relationship. I'm just using this as an example of what I mean by not holding on and condemning someone for their past when it really has nothing to do with you and your future.


I guess I wish her past was not there

Well, it is there and you cannot erase it but you don't have to live your life by it.. The future is what matters..


I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered !

Why does her past rob you of a future? She should not be expected to feel guilty for anything.. She has done nothing to you, she has not cheated, o.k she lied about what happened but maybe she felt ashamed to tell you. This is all in your head and you need to deal with these issues yourself. It is not for her to help you understand why you feel so against her past and to be quite honest, I am not surprised she is angry with you.


Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this...lol.

No need to be sorry mate, you have given a lot of others some good advice and put a lot of valuable points together in the past.. That's what AMHD is for.. :)


I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found my self in and I could not handle her closed off responce. Total not prepared for it !

Excellent, this is what I was talking about.. Focus on you and your anger problems because until you do this, you will not be happy in any relationship and the truth is, you will live an unhappy life when you are consumed with anger and resentment.

You will be fine, I guarantee it, as long as you follow the correct path!

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she doesn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

You need to read his previous threads to understand what the history is.:)

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

Reneg?

What's that.. :confused:

Sorry if I sound obtuse but I don't understand the word or abbreviation.:)

By "reneg", I believe the poster means, "Can I take it back?" or "Can I change my mind?" I have heard this term before.

4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

I still don't think he has anything to forgive her for. She has done nothing wrong. O.K. she was promiscuous but she did this when she was not in a relationship with him, so why should any forgiveness be required?

I could understand it if someone resented someone else for thinking that they should require (or ask for) forgiveness for something that happened before they met that person (if I made sense there)

It is not as if she did anything immoral and although she may have lowered her standards, she did not lower them to the level of doing this whilst in a relationship which would be against morals since it would be cheating.

I really think that 4answers needs to accept that she has a past but not condemn her for it, just accept it and move on. If you were to come back here in 6 months and say she cheated on you and did these things again while in a relationship with you, it would be a whole different ball game.

Hi, I have recently been involved in a relationship breakdown and handled the whole situation badly.

I am aware I should have done No Contact instead of the needy way I acted, which pushed her further away.

But I was wondering, is there a best way to handle a relationship breakdown ?

What are your thoughts ?

For me, the best way to handle a relationship breakdown is to take some time to evaluate what happened and what to do next. Or if its even worth your time or effort? You can't make someone care about you, if they don't. No matter what you do. You can only tell them that you are available if and when they want to talk or embrace. Loving someone, sometimes means sacrificing your own wishes for that of the others. Rejection has a sharp edge and if your not careful it can turn around a spear you with the other matching end.

Well, there are many people here that will be able to sympathise with you. Best thing to do is try to keep as busy as possible, give yourself goals for the new year. Get fit, join clubs, go out with friends, meet up with family, best to keep active. You will have good days and bad days. You will go through many emotions, and although the whole experience is absolutely horrible, you can become a stronger person for it. We all have regrets about being needy etc, we can't help that, this is what we thought was best to do at the time. I too feel this, if I hadn't called my ex when he was thinking about ending the relationship, it might have helped. The agonising thing is we will never know the answers to some questions.

I have seen someone really go downhill after a breakup. She lost loads of weight, was drinking all the time, took 2 months off work. I decided I was not going to be like that. I had a bad time at the beginning, but I just kept going to the gym, I joined a night class etc. Drinking does not help. You need good friends to give you support, and you will find good support here.

I am pretty much going through the same thing and it is so hard! It has been 6 months now and it still hurts just like it happened yesterday! It will just take a lot of time but time does heal all wounds as they say. You will meet someone else special someday when you are ready but just take time and try new things, keep your mind off it and each day will get better and better. :o)

I am 6 months down the line too... yeah it is still hard.

First off, leave the guilt alone . Most times we want to wonder what we did to mess up this relationship and push some one away, and the truth is that it had nothing to do with you. Some times a relationship doesn't work just because, and its no ones fault, so don't be so quick to take on guilt, its no ones fault. Accept that it is over and be ready to move on. What most of us do is build a life around our partner and depend on them for our happiness and security. So unbalanced and unhealthy as well as smothering and way to needy. Its best to maintain a life you enjoy without your partner, and give them and you space to grow and do what they enjoy doing on their own. Once you accept the relationship is over, not only will you heal faster but will be much healthier moving on.

I will admit that in a lot of ways, my ex became a big part of my life and It is so easy to lose yourself in someone which is so unhealthy. When it comes to an abrupt end, you question everything and place too much blame either on yourself or the person that dumped you. In the end, it can drive you insane, thinking, thinking and thinking some more. The first month was a nightmare for me and I was a complete mess or at least, that is what I thought, totally broken up inside... Now things are much clearer and although I still hurt inside, I am in a position where I can step outside for a minute and look inwards.

The best thing you can do is to keep yourself busy, remain out of contact with your ex and begin to work on yourself... I have now taken up a couple of hobbies that I never paid any attention to while I was with her and I feel better for it.. This is a fine example of how you must still keep other areas of your life active while in a relationship. Although I did have a life outside my ex, I certainly think that some parts of my life became dormant and neglected because of my distraction with her..

Also, instead of thinking, try to feel! There is a difference. It all takes time and you will hurt for some time. Time has actually been my most powerful tool in the healing process..

So I am going to say it again because I love it so much!! TIME IS A GREAT HEALER

Everyone has a different time scale and there are no definite limits to how long it can take. I am not fully healed yet but I will tell you that I feel so much better than I did 3 months ago.

You will get there 4answers... You really will.

I have a friend who just had a break up with her husband after 30 years of marriage due to infidelity on her husbands part. She called me in the middle of the night tonight in tears. Why? Because her mother asked her, "What did you do to make him want someone else?" Talk about an insensitive mother! A lot of the time, when a relationship ends, it is the woman that gets all of the flack whether it was her fault or not. I believe it is very sad for this way of thinking. Now, on top of feeling like crap that her husband cheated on her with someone 20 years her junior, she has to be belittled by her mother of all people. I just don't get insensitive people! And probably never will! She needed support and understanding. Not a put down!

You handle a relationship breakdown by doing the no contact thing first and foremost. Then you get busy and get a life. Do the things that interest you and put yourself first. Take up new interests or "dust off" old ones. This will make you a stronger and healthier person.

I think a big mistake people make is to start over thinking, "where did I go wrong" or What if I did this?" Your so emotionally wrapped up that that's the wrong time to start play What ifs. You have to look back months maybe even years later to try and figure out what went wrong.

Sometimes relationships just end. That has to be accepted. It's not taught in movies or culture but it's a reality. A relationship cannot sustain itself if one party is absent or chooses to get out.

? Is it best to stay friends if you think you ex has a new partner.

She is not telling me anything, but she does not seem at all bothered about us not being together, it is like our time together was a bit of fun !

I am hurt that we are not together, she seems pleased. I would have thought she would have a desire to work things out.

Its like all her words were false !

I would say don't stay friends, it will hurt you too much

No contact is for healing, but once passed this stage, is it best to try to get the past partner back and risk them being with another, pushing them away etc or best not to try but let them know your available. Or aviod all aspect of contact ?

The first one shows that your available but risks the person gameplaying with your feelings till they find another, or pushing them away further because they don't want to communicate with you.

The second runs the risk of you being a dormat in the other persons eyes or being seen in the friendship way.

The third might push them to look for another because they think you are already doing that.

What's your thoughts guys ?

In what way is it best to increase your value to the other person. Is this possible ?

When you have reached the point you are healthy and can make healthy decisions, then you can best answer all those questions yourself. If you cannot, then I would suggest you have not gotten to that point in time yet.

I think you get to a point where you just wouldn't contemplate going back with an ex-partner. You are still analysing 'what happens next' when you shouldn't really care.

Tal nailed it, nailed it, nailed it! You will know when you are truly in that healthy place. More than likely, when you do reach that place, you won't give a rat's behind about that person or the games they are capable of playing because you will be busy moving forward with your life.

Ex girlfriend and I split about 3 mon!ths ago. We have had a period of no contact. But have always kept each others contact details.

She knows I did not want the split and wanted to make ammends but it was not what she wanted. However today I loged onto msn messenger only to find that she has deleted me from her contact list, not blocked me.

This hurts, its like there is no feeling left at all ! I don't want to contact her and it be unwelcome or to find she has another. But I still would like to reconsile.

I am tempted to send a message asking if it is no contact she wants, but then this is showing her that I still want her, and I am not sure if this is wise.

Is it better to be in a position of not wanting her or showing her that you want her and risk her making a fool of you ? Very confused at this point on how to proceed ?

Any suggestions on the best way to proceed ? (I have deleted her contact details from my list so that I cannot see if she is online, but I have not blocked her).

((( I don't want to appear like I am doing all the chasing, or I will be open to be made a fool of, Already did the needy ex bit! Guess I want to turn back time.. lol, not possible though !))).

??

Let it go and move on. Look forward to the time when you will have someone else's details on MSN. Take care of you.

Relationship ended, her feelings gone, all could have been resolved with communication, instead of love being lost !

Her internal switch of interest flicked to non interest and once that happened nothing I did / do makes a happeth of difference.

It just feels so wrong, she is missing out on a lot of love and there is F*** All I can do about it !

You know when you just want to sceam at the situation!! Your being forced down a road of no contact, heartbreak, pain and loss and its so not what you want ! And its so not what she wants out of life... Irony, what she wanted is what she give up... You go figure !

Where Now ! Do you continue to try whilst she moves on or do you not try and live life Knowing this is wrong ! Only to meet years later and her like you again.

So many times this has happened in the past, an ex wanting you back, so why did they part in the first place, especially since they knew they were breaking your heart.


How do you resolve the unresolveable !

She just wants something else and there's nothing you can do about it, buddy... I can sympathize. The amazing thing is how she can so clearly not give a crap, eh? YOu just have to find someone else who will treat you right.

I'll bet she didn't even say she was sorry, did she? She ain't worth the time... Impossible advice, but it's true true true my friend.

Nothing is as painful as loving someone who can care less.
Shake it off. Clear your head and heart of her. DON'T try to find answers or reasons or explanations or even regrets.
Oh and by the way, time really does heal. It may hurt to breathe right now but one day you will be able to look back...
There are many threads on this site that you can look to for more guidance on how to keep yourself busy and distracted while you heal.

It isn't a matter of how you appear to her. You don't get it do you. Your still worried about her and what she is thinking. Your still doing the needy ex thing.

You need to forget her and how you appear to her and move on. That's what she is doing after all.

So she deleted you from MSN. You were blocked anyway. Who cares? What's the difference.

Look, I know it hurts and I know for a few months you cling onto hope that it will still work out.
Well I can tell you first hand that the more quick you can get that rubbish out of your head and begin to worry about yourself and not her the better.

She isn't coming back and no amount of reconcile, MSN or whatever is going to change that. Sorry if I sound harsh. Im not, but I'm being honest and I have been where you are now. And I can tell you it is a silly and foolish place to be in!

Your kidding yourself and making it harder to heal and move on.

So accept that she is now once and for all in the past and worry more about yourself and less worry about her and what she may think of you. Because you know what? She isn't thinking of you!

She's gone and isn't coming back.

Time to move on! She has!

Your looking for answers to questions that don't exist. Please for the good of yourself accept it is over. You need to do this in order to begin healing!

Skell said it best 4answers, sorry Skell I had to spread the rep so could not rate you.

I won't add much more as Skell was spot on and he speaks from experience too...

You are still punishing yourself and stuck in this limbo of false hope... To be honest, sometimes I still get this, perhaps at night when I lay alone, I think about it but you have to try and block these thoughts..

She is gone and most probably getting on with her life and it is sad to say, but she most likely is not thinking about you at all. I know you must hurt as I do too and it seems wrong doesn't it, but it is what it is and nothing can change that...

You can't change it 4answers, no matter what you do... Everytime you come back here, I can sense the false hope pouring out of what you write. Its over!!

I'm not sure if you have even began any process of healing or working on you... I don't know, maybe you have but even so, you must continue this process.. I ditto what Skell says too, I don't mean to sound harsh but you really do need to know what the score is.

Geoff is right (sorry Geoff, could not rep you!), you are not even thinking of walking along that long road to recovery.

What you need to do urgently is get those walking boots on and get going, the sooner you start the better you'll feel.

Her internal switch of interest flicked to non interest and once that happened nothing I did / do makes a happeth of difference.

Nothing you do now will ever make a difference to what happened or what will happen next except for the difference it makes to you and you progress in becoming healthy again.


It just feels so wrong, she is missing out on a lot of love and there is F*** All I can do about it !

How do you know she is missing out? She may be missing out on this love but that might not be something she really wants right now and forget what she regrets later on in life, that is for her to deal with and not your responsibility.


You know when you just want to sceam at the situation !!! Your being forced down a road of no contact, heartbreak, pain and loss and its so not what you want ! And its so not what she wants out of life.... Irony, what she wanted is what she give up.... You go figure !

How do you know for sure what she really wants out of life>>>right now! What people want changes over time. I understand the pain you have but this pain is yours and not hers and you cannot make assumptions about what someone else truly wants. It is also important to understand that what she needs and what she wants may be two very different things right now.


Where Now ! Do you continue to try whilst she moves on or do you not try and live life Knowing this is wrong !

You Move On, you work on yourself and forget contacting her. It is the only way!


Only to meet years later and her like you again.

So many times this has happened in the past, an ex wanting you back, so why did they part in the first place, especially since they knew they were breaking your heart.


False hope again, although I do acknowledge that this does happen and is possible, but putting all your eggs in this basket is really going to debilitate your healing and thinking like this will either drive you insane or ensure that you never move on and find any happiness. Besides, this kind of thing could take 10 years... Are you really prepared to waste your life waiting for an indefinate period for someone to change their mind which may never happen anyway?

Hi guys, for those who did not read my last note. Did no contact with an ex, who knows how I feel. Logged onto msn only to find she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me. Basically she would not know when I was online.

I know I shouldn't of done!! But I needed to know why so I sent her this.

"Hi there.

I trust you are well, study going well and enjoying your marathon swims....lol.

I am emailing because I have noticed that your msn profile has changed and you no longer appear to want to remain in contact. If its the case then that is fine, but its not what I want. So the email is for clarification purposes.

I hope this is not unwelcome and your not upset by this. "

She does not reply to this but adds me back in her contact list in MSN.

I don't know what to make of this?!

Is it game play, wanting friendship or is there feeling their ! I just don't know, It seems like the time we had together was just a bit of fun for her and has no value... That hurts, but I just don't know!

I think she just does not want to hurt your feelings mate and I have followed your progress since the beginning. Yet I think we need to come back to that one>>>Your Progress!!

I don't think you should read into this, she probably just does not want to hurt you and is reacting to what you sent her. By the way, I don't think that was a wise move at all but never mind, what is done is done.

You must however begin to focus on you and you alone... You are the biggest hope guy I have found so far on AMHD I am sure, yet I have not been here that long, only a few months. I don't mean that to sound rude as I think you are a nice guy and I too struggle>>>>>struggled with hope for some time... I still get my moments but you are really driven by this hope, this need for her to come back. It is really setting you back and you must stop doing this to yourself!

Delete her from MSN, cut all contact, ALL CONTACT!!

If you keep contacting this woman, you are just going to keep going back to square one, trust me!!

You already know how I feel as you have posted enough to know that I think you have refused to accept this female has moved on and you should be doing the same. Until you do you will be hanging in the wind every time you get that feeling to contact your ex. Its called denial and until you start dealing with the truth you can never be healthy and let those old ghosts cloud your thinking. Give it up and stop worrying about her and start taking care of you.

Hi guys, for those who did not read my last note. Did no contact with an ex, who knows how I feel. Logged onto msn only to find she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me.

Okay I'm an emotional man too so I'm not trying to be disrespectful her but why do you give a damn what she does with her account? She's your ex. But you are treating her like she's your current girlfriend that doesn't know it and will come back to you when she wakes up. She's not coming back.


Basically she would not know when I was online.

You don't know when I'm online and you do fine don't you? I'm just like her just another person on the internet. Why is it vital that you know when she's online? If anything you should have erased her account so you wouldn't know she's online.



I know I shouldn't of done !!! but I needed to know why so I sent her this.

Why? You don't need to know that. Your living in her reality. You need to live in yours.


"Hi there.

I trust you are well, study going well and enjoying your marathon swims....lol.

I am emailing because I have noticed that your msn profile has changed and you no longer appear to want to remain in contact. If its the case then that is fine, but its not what I want. So the email is for clarification purposes.

I hope this is not unwelcome and your not upset by this. "

Dude, that reeeeeeeeeeeeks of desperation.


She does not reply to this but adds me back in her contact list in MSN.

I dont know what to make of this ?!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't reply either. Second I would make of it that she's trying to be nice to you without hurting your feelings. Why would she reply to this act of desperation.


Is it game play, wanting friendship or is there feeling their ! I just dont know, It seems like the time we had together was just a bit of fun for her and has no value... That hurts, but I just dont know !!

Doing stuff like this will not help you move on. Delete any trace of her from you life and pretend she's dead. For all intent purposes she needs to be. You need to move on without running back to her.

Hi guys,

For those of you who have not followed my story, I was with a girl who pushed for a relationship with me evan thought she was going to univercity. So we began a relationship. During phone conversations I found out that she had had a 3 some with her ex partner and his friend who she did not know, evan though she had previously told me I could trust her because she does not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger.

When I found this out I reacted badly to it, I disagreed with what she had done, but was more hurt by the lie! There was no need for it, because she knows I have had one night stands in the past and regret it.

I was judgemental, which was wrong and I tried to make amends to this but she ended the relationship. She said that she did not wish to lose me in her life. Unfortunately I did the needy desperate ex boyfriend bit which pushed her further away.

Once I did a period of no contact, to stop the emails and texts I was sending her, we were back on talking terms. We spoke just after xmas on MSN. However after 2 weeks of no contact (me not logging onto msn) I log on and she has removed me from her contact list. I send an email saying if she wants no contact that is fine but its not what I want.

In response to this she does not reply to the email but puts me back in her contact list, however her photograph shows her with some guy !

I lost value due to the way I overreacted, but surly she has to realise that her actions will produce that response. I have since then tried to get that value back but it does not appear to have happened. It appears that everything she liked about me, the romance, the love, the fun time were just a lie! What I can't understand is why ?

How do I resolve such a situation ? How do I get back my value ?

I know I need to move on, and I will, but I am really finding this very hard to do. I hate the fact that it was alll meaninless and I cannot bear the thought of someone thinking of me as a type of person when I am not that type of person.

Also why not try to resolve issues rather than just give up.


I am really trying to handle this in a way that will restore my value and respect. But I don't know how. Lame I know. But I cannot accept someone having the wrong opinion of me ! Gues its just me !

Someone thinking ill of me for the wrong reasons is not acceptable to me. I cannot understand her actions, She mucked me about instead of just being straight with me, why I don't know.

I know you will all say forget this, but its not in my nature to be ill thought of wrongly. I can't accept it, nor can I accept what I do not understand.

Its cutting me up.

I guess I cannot accept being of negative value to someone. How do I deal with this ?

I appreaciate you patience, help and support.

First let me say you're looking at this all wrong. You're giving away your power of choice to your ex. SHE'S the one who lied to you and had a threesome. Your reaction was fine. I would have reacted the same way. Betrayed and angry. You're reacting the way you are now because she took the power and "left you" instead of you telling her you will not stand for lying or cheating and leaving her. Anytime someone leaves you in a relationship, the person who is left feels powerless.(Been there) But once you examine those feelings you'll realize you're better off without her. And by constantly trying to contact her or win her back you'll just push her farther away. Because you now look desperate to her.
Busy yourself with other friends, hobbies, travel, work whatever. But keep yourself busy. And before long you won't even think about her. Who cares if she thinks you're wrong for her? You're giving her opinion too much power. If a stranger walking down the street called you a name would you believe them? Of course not. And you shouldn't believe her either. The more you know who you are and believe in that, the less likely you'll be to believe the lies of others.
As for resolving issues, you can do that yourself because she's told you over and over she's not interested. So you'll have to examine your own actions and grow from that.
Remember, before dating again to know who you are, what your standards are and don't settle for anything less. We all deserve honest, loving partners who will treat us with patience and respect. You would want that for your friends -why not yourself? It's her loss in the long run. You deserve better in life. So be strong and know there are so many good people out there to meet in life. Why waste your energy on someone who isn't interested? Best of luck. Be strong.

I know what you're feeling. I've gone through it and in some ways am still going through it. I think to myself, often, why didn't she just tell the truth instead of lying and then exploding when caught in the lie? If she'd told the truth from the get go, we could still be friends today.

She didn't want to do what she had to in order for things to work out. She's young, I'm young and I'm going to guess that you and your ex are both young people as well. There's a lot to do with yourself, hard as it is - the trick is recognizing when you're in a low moment and to simply let it pass you by. Does that mean sitting around and contemplating how crappy you feel until you no longer feel crappy? NOOO! Fill that time with something else! Empty twnety-five bottles of Snapple and shatter them all. Hit a punching bag until your knuckles bleed. Do something and then, when you're done (and hopefulyl flush with exhaustion and endorphins) you won't feel quite so bad.

Another thing to do is get out and meet other women. Not to pursue them, but to sense that you are indeed an attractive person, get a little of that shattered confidence back.

Good luck. It's a long road and I know I haven't seen the end of it but no need to turn yourself into a slub over... What? A little heartbreak? Everyone gets it. Everyone, unless they don't want to, also gets over it.

4answers, some months ago, I came here looking for help, I was really feeling down and extremely confused and was crying out for help just as you have. I got a lot of support by some amazingly compassionate and understanding people. I took a lot from what was said to me and I ignored nothing.

One post that stood out was by the Chuffer and was like nitrous oxide to my progress because I was in the same mindset as you... This quote is from one of my first threads and relates to my breakup but will help you too..


I'll say it again, STOP TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. Your ex. Your ex's mother. Your ex's friends. Your ex's dog. Anything your ex please remove yourself from now.

Actually you are hurting someone. The most important person in your life, yourself. You just continue to beat yourself up and make yourself the victim over and over. The break up was bad enough but then you keep punishing yourself. STOP IT!!!!!

Ok you got dumped. No question she gave up a compassionate, caring person. That's her loss. If she want's someone that is not that good for her. I've got think there's a compassionate, caring person somewhere in that would appreciate you. Even if there isn't that doesn't give you the right to beat yourself up like this.

I think a lot of this could speak volumes for you too 4answers and you really need to sit down and think about this. I'm not saying I have not had my moments since then because I have but I am in a different mindset where I have regained some control whereas before I had little control.

Get your control back!!!

As for the above post to Geoff let me say Thank you. I'm actually a little bit flattered and certainly honored that something I said was the "nitrous oxide to progress." I too came here looking for advice and after learning here and doing some other things that fact that I can give something back makes it all worthwhile.

As for you 4answers, I agree with the above as it relates to your situation. Ok you got dumped. We've all been dumped. I know it feels like it at the moment your all alone and nobody can understand but the your not in some club that nobody else is in. Your in a club that were all in. We've all been there. We've all said our situation was different. But you emotions are numb and you in shock. So if you want to heal this you've got to trust people outside your emotional circle and trust us when we say remove everything of her from your life.

I remember I also suggested this Geoff and I'm going to suggest it to you, stick around this site and read some of the posts and the solutions other posters offer. Find the consistencies in the answers and learn from them so that in the future you become a stronger person. Everyone that came here came looking for answers and now we've all become stronger by sticking around and learning from other's and relating it to situations we've been in ourselves and learned from it.

I agree 4answers with what Chuff has said again but you must be open minded and willing to listen otherwise you will get nowhere.

Finally have conceeded she is gone, deleted her details from msn. I had hoped to remain on friendly contact and rebuild my lost value to her ! But it hurts too much and is to damm hard.

Only trouble is now, lonliness and depression ! Not a confident guy at the best of times, but even less when I feel like S***.

Thanks for all your help and support, hope I am making the right decision, god knows I have made bad ones !

Scared that I have taken this step of letting go, but my resolve will go and I will reverse this, simply because its not what I really want.

You have to stay focused on something away from the relationship.

I am going through the same thing you are. There are good days and bad days. I've found, however, that the good days are normally during periods of no contact. The bad days normally follow a conversation with her. The no contact thing is best. If you let go, you will heal. Just think of it this way; every time you have an interaction with her, you've undone all the good that you have accomplished since letting go. Stay the course!

Yeah sure it is scary but it is the best and only option you really have.

You know what to do to make things better. You have read and re-read all the threads here for a while now and know what path to take that will best help you heal.

You have made 1 small step to acceptance and healing. It won't be easy but stick to your guns and I promise you it will get better in time!

Have you read anything any of us have said in any of your posts??

We can only bang our heads against the brick wall for so long before my head will no longer let me bang!

Son let this be a valuable lesson. You get attached easy. Guard your heart and be careful who you hand it too. You'll be much stronger when all this is said and done. And take her off your contact list on messenger. You might want to consider not even talking to people on there for awhile. Good luck!

I had hoped to remain on friendly contact and rebuild my lost value to her
Get yourself healthy first before you worry about restoring your value, whatever that means. NO CONTACT!!

You get attached easy. Guard your heart and be careful who you hand it too. Youll be much stronger when all this is said and done.

This is true. I liked her and asked her out, so I ran the risk of rejection or getting hurt. She lies to me and then stonewalls me, ends the relationship and moves on and meets another. I am left single and hurt over losing someone I liked.!

Wish I had not asked her out!! Sucks.

This has not had any affect on her, she just used me as a meal ticket. It's the only possible explanation. I feel like such bloody fool.

(I also feel the need for revenge, wrong to feel this way but I do). I won't do anything though, just hard to accept it meant nothing.

Doing no contact, but it hurts not speaking to her, I really liked her, and she said she felt the same. I know feelings can change, but to go from this to Zero emotional interest.

Is there no way people can part in a civilised manner, talk through issues and then if no agreement part. But to lie to someone and then stonewall them once your caught out ! Walk away and be with another!?

Hard to get my head round and hard to accept emotionally.

One of the hardest things is I just want to understand why she acted the way she did.

Its just closure, but I won't happen !

As we were spitting up she would ring me and say she was upset, but still did not want to get back together. She would also say that she loved me but did not want to be with me or lose me all together??

I am doing no contact because I don't have an option! I will move to be with others but I still think this is the wrong road...

I have absolutely no control over this situation, other than do that which I don't want to do. Funny really.

Sorry guys, just angry and hurt... Very confused. Don't see the benefit to her, if like that with me, surly she will be like that with other ? Guess I feel wronged. Very wronged and rejected. Silly I know.

This has really knocked me for six !

Reality that we will never speak again, and that it was a complete waste of time, meaningless is just hitting. Its not nice...

Look at it as a learning experience, my friend. That's all you can do. Trust me, most everyone here has been in your situation. And mostly, we're still recovering! That's the way life is. You'll find a way to make yourself feel good again. Remember, like you used to?

I know how you feel when you wonder how someone can go from really caring about you too nothing seemingly overnight. That usually isn't what happens. She probably started feeling that way a good while before the break took place, she just didn't want to show it because she knew it would hurt your feelings. If you need to rant, this is the best place to do it. Hang in there pal, you'll be fine!

Understanding why SHE did or does things will make it no less painful and experience.

Understanding why YOU did certain things and acted in certain ways, and understanding why YOU need time to yourself to learn and grow also won't make it any less a painful experience. But it will make it a valuable experience and one that you won't regret so much in the long run!!

(I also feel the need for revenge, wrong to feel this way but i do). I wont do anything though, just hard to accept it meant nothing.


This is not a good idea and I promise you will not help you in any way! If anything it will set you back and prove to her how immature you are and validate why you are now single. Please concentrate on yourself and not her.




Its just closure, but i wont happen !


There is no such thing. You will always have questions that you think need answering. Don't dwell on the past. I always hear people striving for closure by seeking answers, but even once they get their answers it opens up more questions they need answered in order for them to get their closure. It is a continual cycle! The only way to end it is stop worrying about the answers to questions relating to her, and worry about answering your own questions regarding yourself!




I am doing no contact because I dont have an option! I will move to be with others but i still think this is the wrong road.....

I have absolutely no control over this situation, other than do that which I dont want to do. funny really.


You do have options and you do have control! Do the no contact because it will better you and take control of your life and emotions and grow and learn from this. This has nothing to do with being a last resort. It is to do with it being your best option!




Reality that we will never speak again, and that it was a complete waste of time, meaningless is just hitting. Its not nice......


Its only a waste of time if you learn nothing from it. There are endless opportunities here for you to reflect and learn what you did wrong. Think about yourself critically (not too critically though) and improve aspects of your life you aren't happy with. It is only a waste of time and meaningless if you let it be. Perhaps another example of how you can take CONTROL and not let it be a pointless exercise don't you think??

There is a good thread that Geoff started about age's and relationships. READ IT!! It evolves into much more than just a conversation about healthy ages for serious relationships! It discusses the value of failed relationships and what we can take form them. Please go and read it and think about the great points made by many wise people!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/age-relationships-59586.html

Here is the link to that thread I'm talking about above. Please read it!

Oh yeah, and I think I have finally worked out the Chuff style of answering!! Only taken 8 months!! Ill only use it sparingly though Chuff. That's your domain and I love to see people get Chuffed by the master! ;)

I guys, second day true no contact, very mixed up feelings.

You were all right, I should have done no contact straight away!! But at the time I did not know about it or the benefits of it. Instead I did the needy ex boyfriend and pushed her away further, because she was moving away from me, this constant rejection caused me to be angry and I lashed out, pushing her further away and lowering my value to her.

I did a period of no contact to be able to step back from the emotional attachment and stop the needy obsessiveness. It worked, but at that time she had stopped speaking to me. I then initiated contact to try to get her to like me again so that we could look to rebuild the relationship. Howeve she simply played games at this point, (indicates that she was not really interested but liked the attention). I tried to limit the attention but was really nice to her, in each contact.

I was not on line for a couple of weeks, when I did go on line she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me. So that she would not know I was online. I sent a nice emial saying if she wanted no contact that was fine, but not what I wanted. (I have learned to not act on my anger). So she placed me back into her contact list but with a photo of her and a guy. Gutting. I did not react to this straight away and left it as it was. She was online but away, so I am presuming this was so that I would definitely see this ! (this was the girl who said that she would not tell me about any other as she would not hurt me !).

Logged on 2 days ago , not to talk to her but just to talk to my familly, as soon as I log on she loggs off, so I remove her from my contact detail. Last night I blocked her. Hurting like hell because we will never speak again and she is with another.

My problem is: The initial break up was caused by her, but due to my poor way of handling it, needy obsesiveness I have lovered my emotional value to her and pushed her away. Into the arms of someone else!!

*** She will see the blocked msn and will either not be bothered as it has no value or will be bothered as we will never speak (she has pushed me to this). Because she pushed us away instead of trying, my being unable to handle this has pushed her farther away but she is now happy that something that was so nice to her is meaningless and she is with another.

Finding this very hard to cope with, it is fundementally wrong ! Surly she should be bothered, I mean you don't enter a relationship for it to end in bad terms... Why does she just not talk things through ? The fact that she does not proves that I mean nothing to her and that our time together also means nothing... How can she be like this ?

Sorry to hear you are going through so much right now. It sounds like she was playing games with the MSN thing. The best thing you can do, is what you are doing now. Basically have nothing to do with her. You should change your profile, so that you can't see her when she is online, although you have blocked her why torture yourself.

Quit with the games 4answers, she loves the attention but cares very little for you.. Sorry if that hurts but you must face this truth. She is immature for putting that picture of her and her new partner on MSN. Don't play into her hands, block her and delete her. Try to forget what she thinks and feels. I have done the same, still do at times and it really hurts I know but you are just really struggling letting go and I think you are in major denial and this is where all these threads about No Contact come from.

I don't believe for one second you have ever used no contact for what it's real purpose serves. Now you know she is not worth it and does not care, the best thing you can do for yourself is quit questioning her and how she feels or what she thinks and begin using no contact for what it really is>>to work on yourself and finally let go.

Surely you know you are worth more than this. I know how you feel because as you probably are aware from reading my threads, I have gone through a similar process. If not, read my threads and know that what you are feeling is normal. I think the problem here is with the fact that you are uncomfortable with the fact that she is moving on and you still have this false hope that she will come back which quite frankly, if you continue to latch onto, will drive you crazy.

I mean what I say with the greatest empathy and understanding having experienced this pain and many others know what you feel too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Thanks Geoff. You are right, I have avioded full no contact, used it to step back emotionaly so that I did not push her further away. I guess I am finding it hard to accept that I was used and deceived, all be it at the time she may not of meant it with malice, but no one likes to be used. So when I caught he out on a lie, it was just not worth it, for someone she was just using to provide her with nights out and meals, etc.

She put on a image of a person different to who she was. (guess we all do! At the begining). However I liked who I thought this person was. And unbenown to me I developed strong feelings for her!!

As a person I don't just treat relationships with flipancy, if I like someone I want to try to make it work and work through problems.

Basically she met a lad who liked her, seemed nice and took her out. This guy was spending time and money on her (I know silly mistake). She enjoyed this and did not wish to lose this and so put on her best impression, which is totally not what she is really like!! Stupidly I miss the person who I thought she was...

When away she has seen a lot of opertunity and because I was away and disagreed with something she seems to find acceptable, she stopped trying. I did the needy ex which did make things worse.

I have blocked her, deleted her 100% I am just angry that I acted the way I did and that I was so LOVE BLIND as to not see things.

Guess I just rushed in to deep to soon, without getting to know her. And now that I care, the real her hurts...

Sorry to vent ! I want to say all this to her but cant. Hopeing it will get better in time.

Thank for your support.

The guy of all hope... lol.

I am sorry to hear that you are so heart broken. I know you are going through allot of pain right now but just know that at the end you will be the one winning. It always takes another hurting us to realize how good we had it before. I know that this is not the best solution but it helps me to get over a relationship by seeking attention from someone else. When we have someone else that likes us and care for us and fills that empty void it helps allot to tune that person out. I know it is stupid but it works for me. I do hope you heal soon you sound like a great guy. And that whole msn thing was a mean way of her saying that she is not interested and is moving on. Hope all goes well for you

Sorting through your part in this to find what you did wrong is a good sign. But like Forever said, if you are dwelling on her, find a way to change the channel for your own sanity. In other words, think about the principles involved but not the person. Now that you know how dishonest even well intentioned people can be -- use it to acquire discernment about others. Go slower, so that you will have time and experiences to see the person in lots of different situations. Get confirmation of who they are from a variety of sources too -- their family, friends, coworkers, etc. And look to see if what they say matches what they do over time. Phoniness does not endure conditions like that easily. Make sure your love and your trust are in tandem and well founded too.

Also, believe it or not, make yourself more transparent, more real. Best foot forward, sure, but give up the mask yourself. Being real is a very powerful place to come from. It makes you more bs-proof, not less. See it not as a vulnerability but as confidence, which can be very sexy. Suffer this defeat, this rejection telling yourself it is a survivable event to strengthen to your ability to take this risk of being real. It will make those who would play games shun you and those who would match your ability to be real come forward. Phoniness is really afraid of authenticity -- trust that a lot in the future. There are some wonderful and very real people in the world, some of them cute girls too!

I am sorry for your loss but, used wisely, it could make for a very different path for you from here on. I hope this helps.

Naïve youth + painful experience = wisdom only if you choose it to. I think you've made a nice start on it here too.

I'm sorry for you dude, but you just have to let go now. It is not easy (I speak from experience), but you must, for your own sake. Let it go, you are only irritating her, and making it much worse for you and her.

And it is important to remember that your actions played a role in this, just as much as hers did! Don't walk away from this without learning anything about yourself... It just wouldn't be worth it.

One thing - you shouldn't EVER be contacting women consatntly by the internet. EVER. Light stuff OK. Short sweet - your done.

But quit the IMing, texting, e-mailing - it's for cowards.

Call her up (NOT THIS GAL!! ) -use the phone. Let her hear your voice.

NEVER communicate anything seriously by e-mail, texting, IMing - the message usually does not come out right. It's lame. It's insincere.

You should do all communication face to face.

Guys should never be on the phone with a gal for hours - yuck!! Or IMing for hours - YUCK!! That's for her GIRLFRIENDS!!

Don't you have better things to do? You should be busy a lot - women will love you for it!! Love you for it.

All this new electronic technology can ruin a relationship. Be busy. Call women - keep it short. Save the conversations for face to face.

IMing is HORRIBLE for relatoionships!! Horrible.

I agree with wildcat 200% on this. I can remember when I was a younger man how important it was to me to talk to people through instant messenger and all that stuff. But somewhere in it I just got bored and now I couldn't care less who is online. I may make idle chit chat at random but that stuff doesn't mean a hill of beans if you are living your life off the computer! You may want to chill out on the messenger completely for awhile! You'll be amazed at how you don't even need it!

4ANSWERS, MY FRIEND, its time brother! I have gone back and read your numerous post and you have hurt, gotten good sound advice and came back for another dose of it. You have gotten compassionate advice and you have gotten harsh advice. Its Over. You have a serious obsessive problem, its evident by your numerous posts on here. This obsessing is probably what drove this girl away and it is probably going to be what drives the next girl away if you do not start looking inward and facing these demons that lie inside of you. Hurting is not the end of the world. This Relationship is over with a capitol O! Take what you have learned from it, which is to guard your heart and don't be so obsessive and start to think of your life without this woman because it is never going to happen. Every time you start to think of something new to ask go back and read through every single post you have made and every answer you have gotten. If you still want to ask then ask. But as long as you refuse to move on you are going to stay in this stage. Man up. Take a little pride, and take it like a man. You'll respect yourself much more for it down the road. That's all I have to say.

ALLHEART, MY FRIEND, its time brother! I have gone back and read your numerous post and you have hurt, gotten good sound advice and came back for another dose of it. You have gotten compassionate advice and you have gotten harsh advice. Its Over. You have a serious obsessive problem, its evident by your numerous posts on here. This obsessing is probably what drove this girl away and it is probably going to be what drives the next girl away if you do not start looking inward and facing these demons that lie inside of you. Hurting is not the end of the world. This Relationship is over with a capitol O! Take what you have learned from it, which is to guard your heart and don't be so obsessive and start to think of your life without this woman because it is never going to happen. Every time you start to think of something new to ask go back and read through every single post you have made and every answer you have gotten. If you still want to ask then ask. But as long as you refuse to move on you are going to stay in this stage. Man up. Take a little pride, and take it like a man. Youll respect yourself much more for it down the road. Thats all I have to say.

Thank you, and thank you all. I do have an obsessive side to my personality. I have used this site to deal with and ask the questions that I could not keep in side or ask her.

I am moving forward, I do regret the way things have transpired, but hell that's life.

Just to clarify, out of the 4 month period with this ex girl, I only lost to my obsesive actions for a couple of weeks, text messages to her. (not good, not proud, very hard to handle). Since that period a while ago we have spoken and she knows it was not intentional. I did need to do that for a matter of self pride. So that I am not thought of a crazy stalker. So we have parted on better terms. I am now in full no contact, not easy. I still have the feelings that I want to correct the past.. I know I know. But you can't prevent feelings. I also have the feelings that I want to make up for my poor way of handling things. Again you can't help feelings.

But I do realise that the only way I can heal now, move forward and appear with dignity and respect to all involved in the past situation is through no contact, for me. I am very pleased that evan though she has moved on, I did not act on my emotions, kept a leval response and dignity.


Some of you have suggested councilling. To clary I have behaved once this way in the past, Unintentional but a lot worse and I recognised that this was a repeat cycle. I have a problem with rejection. I did councilling in the past. So I am aware that I don't handle breakups very well. A little codependancy, a little arrogant manly pride and obsesivness.

In a relationship non of these are present, I just react badly to the loss of the interest of someone I care for. That is why I have hounded this site so much. Sorry guys, much rather bug and harass the s*** out of you as opposed to her, and appearing like a stalker and destroying her life and my dignity.

So I know my posts have appeared mixed up and that I was not, have not take your very good and kind advice. Believe me I have.

I had to first of all regain some semblence of respect from her. (Proirity for me).
Then I after the period of no contact tried to get it back. (Had to know, can't live with what ifs).

So now I have done both, I now am looking to fully heal myself, can't say I won't have relapses, because I will. I have learned a lot from you all. The biggist and most important leason is that when its ends and I am emotional highly charged I need to do No contact form the start so that I can emotional step back and deal with the situation without obsession. First time I did not do this, this time at the end of the relaitionship I was not aware of the benefits of no contact, as soon as I was, I did this and it worked, stopped the obsessivness.

So I thank you all. I would be in a very very bad place now, without your support and she would also be unhappy.


4 answers.

I feel OK. Still have the feelings, desires etc. sleepless nights, but resisting the urges and keeping busy.

Bloody well should have done this from the start ! Still I am a man and we are the dumber sex.. lol.

Don't worry 4 answers, you will feel better someday. It takes time, and all you can do is ride this thing through. : ) Anytime you need to vent or anything you can send me a message. I understand what you are going through. It is hard to accept the person you love so much has gone, they are living their life without you etc.

Just try to keep yourself busy, fill your time with nnew things, go on a course or something. If you keep busy your mind will be busy and hopefully we can cut down some of your think and analysing. You sound like a nice person, and you are just finding this hard to deal with. This is normal : )

Have you ever heard the saying, "what we resist persists"? It's true. I have been doing a lot of reading lately and I came across this particular saying as applied to a breakup.

You are a prime example of resisting a breakup like crazy, rather than trying to accept that it is over. When we begin to accept what is and instead of fighting it, try to make the best of the situation we find ourselves in, (which is our life after the breakup... no, we didn't ask for these breakups but nonetheless here we are stuck in them) it slowly starts to lose its hold on us and it paves the way for the feelings to start to naturally dissipate.

I was in an 8 year relationship before my latest breakup (the latest breakup is the one which brought me to these boards by the way) and I resisted that first breakup for a lot of years. I stayed stuck in misery for a long time because I refused to accept that it was over. But when something happened which was the final straw for me and I miraculously began accepting that it was over and there was nothing I could do about it, only then, did I begin to get over him, which was a task I thought would NEVER happen.

I finally realized that I was doing the same thing with my latest breakup, resisting it, keeping myself stuck in misery, holding onto what was, not wanting to let go of any hope that he may return... and again found myself in a similar miserable state to the one I was in before.

I finally realized that I could either continue to torture myself and everyone around me by holding on to this guy or I could begin to try to accept that it's over (not by my choice, but still over nevertheless) and at least try to begin to move on. I learned this the hard way twice, but I am learning and working on my healing.

I have decided to try to make the best of this post breakup time that I have found myself in, rather than choosing to beat myself up over it any longer. I know that there isn't a bone in my body that wanted this breakup or wanted my ex and I to be in a situation where we don't speak to this day, so why am I feeling guilty over what happened?

I didn't cheat on him, I didn't leave him for another guy, I didn't treat him poorly, etc. It was quite the opposite in fact. I was honest, had good intentions and no, I wasn't the smothering type either. I always took care of myself, worked and looked darn cute around him if I may say so myself... lol... but things still didn't work out. I know it hurts and kills your heart. Believe me, I know. But you do truly need to begin to try helping yourself here.

What I am saying is that you really need to begin accepting that it is over with this particular girl right now, possibly seek professional counseling again, perhaps even medication (if you indeed have a problem with obsessiveness), to begin to move past this. From what you are posting, it seems as if this situation is ruling, if not ruining your life. Good luck to you.

Okay, now day 3, you are starting to get a little somewhere! You may not have gone through the worst yet! I remember when I first went no contact I was having dreams about the ex every single night for like a week and when I first woke up it would take a second to sink in that we weren't together anymore! All that matters is take it one day at a time and do not break the no contact or you will have to start over from scratch! Keep Going!!

I am well into no contact with my ex. As far as I know she is with another, don't know for sure, but no point in trying to find out as this is irrelevant !

Trouble is I want to forget her, live a happy life without her in my thoughts. But that is not happening.

I know that I need to replace her with something or someone of higher value so that her value to me will diminish and I will then not think of her. As I will have moved on emotionaly.

But how do I do this. I cannot force myself to stop thinking about her, If I suffer rejection from another then this leads to value reversal for her !

So stay single and miss her, because there is something of high value missing in my life or aproach others, suffer rejection which makes me feel low and I miss her more.

Being single is definitely easier for women as they are aproached by the opposite sex, so they do not suffer from the loss of emotional interest as much as guys do. Guys have to do the approach and face damaging rejection which makes us feel worse and want what we had that made us feel good. i.e. the positive emotional interest of the ex !

Any suggestion ?

What is wrong with being single 4 answers?

<<I know that I need to replace her with something or someone of higher value >>
Yes, why not replace her with being happy alone!

instead of trying to find a new girl get to know girls slowly as friends. Just meet girls and be friends and if they like you it will become obvious.

Dealing with loss is only profitable when its done alone. We can all add our support here 4answers but the grief process is yours to go through or muck up as you see fit. Muck it up and you'll pay for that down the road. Its just how humans are. The time after a break up is critical. You may have to think of her until you are just so incredibly sick of that and then, in one stunning floodlit moment, you get it. OMG This isn't about her, its about you. And it will all change from there.

You might also look up a thread here about Transitions and how difficult people find them. It could help in explaining some of what the grief process is for you.

I can tell you this with almost 100% certainty. If you do not fight your way back to a comfortable singlehood or even discover it for the first time, then the next relationship you have will be selected out of a kind of invisible desperation that will cause problems for you, and in turn, her. Easing the hurt of one person with another person is called rebound, by the way.

Rol asks a very important question -- I would advise you not ignore it answering it for yourself.

Thank you both.

But I have done the being single and prefer to be part of a couple. Not that there is anything wrong with being single, but its not fulfulling. At least not for me ! Guess I am just one of those people who prefers to have someone. Gives life a greater sense of direction and purpose. I get my greatest pleasure from caring about someone, being there for someone. I don't like not being able to do that.

Although it is a want, it feels like a need.

Well I think being unable to let go of the past prevent you to move forward. So, if you really hate being single that much, you really have to accept that it's over. So you can move forward and meet something new. Right now, you sound like you're stuck at the same spot :S.

Let's put it this way, how are you suppose to meet the girl that you're SUPPOSE to care, if you're wasting your time wanting to care for the wrong one? How can you care about someone when you can't even take care of yourself?

I know exactly how you feel, going through a very similar thing, it hurts like hell and it seems like there is no way out from the pain of missing you're ex wandering if there going to contact you, and they never do. ( But only to make sure you're still on the end of their string when they want to pull it) wandering if their with someone else , wandering if they think they have made a mistake and want you back, thinking is he better in bed , all while you have to deal with being on your own for the first time and lonely since god knows how long , and thinking you're never going to meet someone else, it's a horrible nightmare that you have to go through , in fact its one the hardest things in life to go through...
Here is what to do (well it may help) don't get another girlfriend yet, try and go through the pain of being single and lonely, for when you come out the other end you will be a much stronger person. You will not rely on others to make you feel happy or secure wanted or loved. Because when the relationship finishes you will feel much worse and you never gave yourself a chance to grow or work on yourself to find true inner happiness. Getting a girlfriend straight away may seem like a miracle cure and it does work for a while but it's even worse when it finishes... I do believe that most women are stronger than men they have an ability to turn their emotions off when they want and they seem to move on faster with no looking back. This is what hurts us most, but you too can get to that stage if you give yourself time to grieve feel lonely and deal with your own inner insecurities this takes time but it's worth it, it's really hard.. Try and go out with friends get on with your life build up a single life with hobbies friends and things to do, (this takes time) and amazing things will happen, if you don't look back in the past.
Don't blame yourself this girl just was not right for you, you didn't fail the relationship failed... you won't stop thinking about her until you force yourself to stop thinking about her. When she pops into you're head and you think of all the good times and what you did for her and how can she be so cold towards you now,( I must of meant nothing to her type bull)... distract yourself with anything grab a guitar or do something you enjoy anything and gradually over time you will realise you think about her even less, its only you and you're mind that is torturing yourself its all in your head , I know its hard but another girlfriend is not the answer right now. Deal with this the hard way and you will get through it and eventually you will not think about her at all.. And you will be a much happier person stronger as well.. I have been there so many times its horrible. I'm single now but am not going to jump into another relationship, I am going to stick it out, its harder but I'm beginning to feel happiness by myself the loneliness was almost intolerable I cried myself to sleep, but gradually it gets easier, you get used to it, and its worth it in the long run anymore break-ups after this will be easier to deal with because you know you can be happy on your own... Stay strong man! You will get through this no matter how bad it seems now. Think of all the disabled people who have never had a woman close to them you're so lucky. The right person will come along when the time is right and when you have dealt with your inner emotions and become happy through all the pain and heart ache by yourself you will be a stronger man and will be her rock... THE PAST IS HISTORY, THE FUTURE IS A MYSTERY, THE NOW IS A GIFT ,That's WHY IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT... and WHEN ONE DOOR OF HAPPINESS CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS , BUT OFTEN WE LOOK SO LONG AT THE CLOSED DOOR THAT WE DO NOT SEE THE ONE, WHICH HAS BEEN OPENED FOR US.

Thank you both.

But I have done the being single and prefer to be part of a couple. Not that their is anything wrong with being single, but its not fulfulling. At least not for me ! Guess I am just one of those people who prefers to have someone. Gives life a greater sence of direction and purpose. I get my greatest pleasure from caring about someone, being there for someone. I dont like not being able to do that.

Although it is a want, it feels like a need. !

Herein lies your exact problem.

If you can't be happy and fulfilled alone then you will never be truly happy and fulfilled in a relationship.

We all prefer to have someone, but we are also just as conformable not having someone.

Don't you see how needy and desperate this is. It isn't a healthy way to live your life at all. Relying on being with someone else to fulfill you. That is unfair on them as much as it is on you!

You should get your greatest pleasure out of caring and loving you first and finding that direction and purpose for yourself alone. Not someone else's direction and purpose for you.

You are wanting to depend on someone else for happiness in life. Not healthy at all. Find your own happiness first and I'm sure it won't be long and you will find someone just as happy as yo are that you can love and care for all you like!

Hi Guys. I am a month into no contact. Very hard. Very lonely.

I was out last night and met a girl who I have liked for ages. When I first knew her, I was waiting on signs that she liked me, but this did not happen.

Last night she was very friendly and said she had a boyfriend, to which I replied that I should have asked her out when I first met her. She was very nuetral to this and did not reply or say anything.

Discussed things about work excetara. Told me where she is working, living now and so on.

Now she is with this guy so I guess nothing will happen there, pity.

But is it better to suffer rejection and the negetive emotions of that or a relationship that does not work out and the heartbreak or the regret of what might have been ?

Honestly, man, sometimes it's best just to take a chance... And remember, the more you get to know someone, if they have a good soul, the more beautiful they are...

Wait, am I hearing you correctly? That because your timing is off with the new girl, it amounts to a rejection? I think that is an indication that you still aren't "on your feet" so to speak. Its just some timing is all, dude! LOL Maybe you need to actively look at what makes a person so lonely, and what solutions you need to create to address that -- like friends, interests, goals, etc. before you approach any of the girls.

It doesn't seem to me that she rejected you. At all.
She was simply neutral when you replied that you should've asked her out when you first met her. She was probably unaware that you had this intention...

As for now, unfortunately, it seems that there's nothing you can really do concerning this girl.

Though, I'm not sure if I understood your question well...

Thanks guys. Your right I am still not totally on my feet, I still have a lot of negative feelings and emotions over the past relationship, hoping this will pass.

Due to shyness, I did not ask the new girl out at the time, I guess given that shy people don't give out the right vibes, she may not of known I liked her.

Only time will tell with her.

I am trying to not let lonliness get the better of me and become more atractive to women... lol, a feat harder than winning the lottery... Bring back the days of the club, that's what I say!!

It may serve you well to look at what you are actively doing to "let those negative feelings pass" since it almost seemed like you are using the present to add to it. It kind of reminds me of what we would say in the rooms of AA to someone building up to take a drink: don't let the facts stand in your way of growing that chip on your shoulder, since when it gets big enough you'll get to justify taking that drink!" LOL In your case, I am not sure what the pay off is but I don't think you are exactly starving out those negative feelings and that needs to change, if its really going to pass.

If shyness is a concern, work on that. If some other aspect of self is a concern, work on that. And don't kid yourself that this all comes any easier for anyone else, or you'll need to work on that too. LOL I am not being unduly hard on you 4answers, I just want you to see what it really is here and have a fighting chance at turning it around, okay?

How are you for friends to hang out with, never mind dates for a moment? And how satisfied with your general life are you and if not, what are your plans there? Those can be very useful things to concentrate on just now. You need to get a grip on this --that lonliness is not your ex's fault, its yours and what you do or don't do about it will influence a lot here.

PS - I think it was smart not to ask the new girl out, she said she has a boyfriend.

If you have time to go out and troll for chicks you have time to read to bed bound kids in hospitals or passing out groceries to the poor. You don't need to look for females to talk to, they are everywhere. Volunteer work not only will put you with better people than a bar will, but give you the opportunity to not be lonely, and work on your shyness in a setting that will payoff in the long run and will kick the self esteem and positive attitude through the roof. If your to busy to work on yourself then maybe That's your problem.

If you have time to go out and troll for chicks you have time to read to bed bound kids in hospitals or passing out groceries to the poor. You don't need to look for females to talk to, they are everywhere. Volunteer work not only will put you with better people than a bar will, but give you the opportunity to not be lonely, and work on your shyness in a setting that will payoff in the long run and will kick the self esteem and positive attitude thru the roof. If your to busy to work on yourself then maybe THATS your problem.


I never thought of that, silly I know, to wrapped up in my own issue. I might give that a try Thank you.

Hi guys.

Silly thought it sounds I am finding being single hard and have a desire to call my ex ! Guess I am finding it hard because I have not met another.

Any advice on dealing with this ?

Keep busy.
Don't give yourself time to dwell on such things.

You shouldn't need to meet another to be happy.

Just give it time and go through the loneliness and you will learn so much about yourself and pretty soon you will enjoy being alone.

I think getting out with friends is probably the fastest way to start feeling better, some friends and I started to go bowling twice a week and during that time I never think of my ex. I also started volunteering one day a week, I chose the red cross doing local disaster action work and it's really put a lot of things in prospective. Think about taking a class you've always wanted to take at a local community college or check out the public library and read that book you always said you would. For some going to the gym helps. Find the post on here "movies to watch after a breakup" after watching a few of those you might start feeling better right away.

Avoid calling your ex for a while, you're more then likely going to sound desperate and it won't get you far. Just focus on you right now, take this time to really understand what it is you want and then go get it.

If you don't have a life, get one! :P

I just got in to work I spent the evening on the piss with work friends and stayed at one of the company directors spare flat. So point if someone asks you to do something do it! I am always busy so do not have allot time to think about the ex. I keep myself active and make sure I have an active social circle and plenty of things to do on weekends etc. If you sit around at home doing nothing, who's fault is that? No one but yourself.

Hi guys.

Silly thought it sounds I am finding being single hard and have a desire to call my ex ! Guess I am finding it hard because I have not met another.

Any advice on dealing with this ?

Keep yourself busy!
Join a gym, find yourself a hobby and build up a busy schedule. Keeps your mind off things :)

I'm feeling exactly the same way today... (must be the weather!)

Its not the fact that I miss my ex and want her back, I think I just miss having the connection with someone, somebody to hug when your feeling a bit down, somebody to call and just talk about nothing for hours when your bored...
Sometimes it feels as thogh the only way to escape the empty feeling is to sleep, but then you dream about her and it makes you feel worse...

Its hard and I think that there is nothing you can do to make it go away, keeping busy helps, but you always go back to thinking about her...
All I know is calling her WILL NOT help, just give it time, we will eventually get used to, and enjoy, our own company (I hope)

I am having a great time with myself, more fun than I ever did with the ex. Yeh it sux not having anyone to cuddle up with etc but jees common lighten up. You only got one life though so why be sad? Give it some time ye all who been dumped, you will find after a few months that your OK with life, doesn't mean you won't miss her but it doesn't matter because your be one happy fella :)

You shouldnt need to meet another to be happy.

Just give it time and go through the loneliness and you will learn so much about yourself and pretty soon you will enjoy being alone.

Skell made a good point here, you should not need another person to make you happy. Find yourself again 4answers and soon enough you will enjoy being single. If it is of any comfort to you, I am beginning to enjoy my single life again after 7 months post breakup. Its just a matter of riding the emotional rollercoaster, keeping busy, working on yourself. Find new hobbies, work hard!

Improve your image, perhaps change it and you find that your confidence grows again!!

Loneliness does not last forever after a breakup. Once you relight your fire again and get busy living, you realise that you are less alone than you think!

Just found out my ex has got married ! This hurts especially since I tried to get her back. It feels like I was deceived over the relationship because it meant nothing to her.

I guess deep down I always hoped there was still some sort of feeling there, regret perhaps…. But obviously not ! Ouch.

Be happy that you found out. Now you can truly put her behind you. While you are spending time dwelling on her, the right person is out there waiting for you...

Sorry about it, but better you find out now. How long have you two been broken up?

I am sorry for your loss =/

Sorry man, I think it will make you to move on with your life much easier now. I am having nightmares every night that my ex girlfriend getting married and I wake up with tears running down my eyes :(. I know exactly the feelings. I think, almost all of us here, would hear the same bad news about our exes soon or later :(.

There's someone better waiting for you and you just haven't met her yet and when you do u will be so glad you didn't get back with your ex :)

That should be the end of that! Sorry for your loss!

4answers,
Hey, I know the feeling and it sucks. I had to go through the same thing over 8 years ago when I found out that the love of my life was getting married and it was through the Community section of the newspaper in the marriage license listings while at work. I sort of had a feeling something was amiss in the weeks leading up to seeing that just in the way she was treating me-not wanting to reconcile, emotionally distant on the phone, etc. I went no contact during those several weeks. The guy she married was a total loser from what she told me about him while we were together but she just had a change of heart because he asked her to marry him first several years before I popped the question. It hit me like a ton of bricks but I was able to keep my chin up and get through the rest of the day. To make a long story short, the marriage crumbled within the course of several months and she came crawling back to me. Since that time, me and her got closer and closer, talked about getting married, had a child, and for a time I could see myself with nobody else but her. I sort of thought it was God's way of saying that we were meant for each other when she came back after things looked hopeless. WRONG! Me and her split just about this time last year. She just decided to walk away to see what else was out there if there ever was a theory to fit the scenario. She has a history of mental illness which put her in the hospital several times(she sort of reminds me of the character "Claudia" on the television show "Dynasty" lol). I backed off any immediate plans to marry her because I wanted to give her time to adjust. Marriage is not all sunshine and lollipops-there are going to be ups and downs and I didn't feel she was ready. God only knows why she decided to walk. I've been in no contact with her for over 4 months now and do not plan on trying to reenter her life in any way, shape, or form. If she marries again, I won't know about it. I look at it as though she died and she's not coming back. Just hang in there-it's not the end of the world. Don't ever contact her again and look at it as your cue to move on. Somebody better is out there.
Take Care,
Jason

4answers,
Hey, I know the feeling and it sucks. I had to go through the same thing over 8 years ago when I found out that the love of my life was getting married and it was through the Community section of the newspaper in the marriage license listings while at work. I sort of had a feeling something was amiss in the weeks leading up to seeing that just in the way she was treating me-not wanting to reconcile, emotionally distant on the phone, etc. I went no contact during those several weeks. The guy she married was a total loser from what she told me about him while we were together but she just had a change of heart because he asked her to marry him first several years before I popped the question. It hit me like a ton of bricks but I was able to keep my chin up and get through the rest of the day. To make a long story short, the marriage crumbled within the course of several months and she came crawling back to me. Since that time, me and her got closer and closer, talked about getting married, had a child, and for a time I could see myself with nobody else but her. I sort of thought it was God's way of saying that we were meant for eachother when she came back after things looked hopeless. WRONG! Me and her split just about this time last year. She just decided to walk away to see what else was out there if there ever was a theory to fit the scenario. She has a history of mental illness which put her in the hospital several times(she sort of reminds me of the character "Claudia" on the television show "Dynasty" lol). I backed off of any immediate plans to marry her because I wanted to give her time to adjust. Marriage is not all sunshine and lollipops-there are going to be ups and downs and I didn't feel she was ready. God only knows why she decided to walk. I've been in no contact with her for over 4 months now and do not plan on trying to reenter her life in any way, shape, or form. If she marries again, I won't know about it. I look at it as though she died and she's not coming back. Just hang in there-it's not the end of the world. Don't ever contact her again and look at it as your cue to move on. Somebody better is out there.
Take Care,
Jason

Thank you for sharing your personal story!

Thank you guys. This was the girl who stated she wanted to marry me, we argue'd and agreed to split for a while. She said she had her eye on someone. I asked if she was seeing him? She said no. So I asked her back out. It was a crushing no ? And now she is married.

Just stay strong... like holister said, there is someone better for you. It sounds like this all happened pretty fast just judged on how it took you by surprise. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, but you'll be able to move on... just keep your head up and your shoulders back... the world likes it when you stand tall.

This is my worst fear. I know it will happen one day though. I am sooo sorry for your loss. Take care. Keep your chin up.

When I was with her she wanted marriage, but I was scared, didn't communicate this to her because I did not recognize this. We parted and remained friends. During that period 1 year, she tried to get back together but I thought it was not the right thing to do. (I suspect she met someone) but she told me she had her eye on someone. I asked if she was seeing him and she said no. So I thought all is not lost and asked about us getting back together. She said No. When I asked about the time we spent together she said it had just been fun!! Eh? I could not handle this.

My question is this: If the person wanted to marry me and we split then yes the person may not be happy about this. But I never cheated or went with anyone else, I was just unsure. I came back before she was in another relationship, because I asked her and she said no! Surly if this was the person who you wanted to marry then you would be pleased that they are back in your life? You would at least consider it? How could it mean nothing?

Because of her reaction I went to pieces and acted in a bad way. I suppose I pushed her towards this new guy instead of attracting her to me. I wrote and told her my feelings, that I was handling things badly, addressing these and apologized. But this did no good.

-- As you can now imagine, it hurts that it meant nothing to her ! How could I have been so deceived? --

You didn't really expect to have her hold the door open for you did you?? You had your chance, and didn't seal the deal. You weren't ready, and that's okay, as you two weren't on the same page, and just as your feelings changed, and you became ready, her feelings changed also.

Have heart as this happens all the time. We forget in our quest for "the one", there may be many who are eligible, but the one we stay with, is the one.

The one that I drove away.
Any suggestions on the best way of dealing with regret and loss?

Previous post, lost the best I had, own fault, messed up. Very Naïve and did not realise the girls feelings to me would change. Stupidly always thought she would regret that we did not work out and even if others were on the scene, I could get her back. I did not realise the true benefits of a relationship, i.e. the emotional interest of the person. I did not realise that that is what really goes when the relationship ends ! Miss that person so much now. She is married, so I can't even talk to her. Yet now have to live the rest of my life with that regret! It’s been years and it still haunts me… Never really moved on. I get very down about it.

Any practical advice?

Read the stickies, and keep your azz off the pity pot. Time to cope, not mope!

Read the stickies, and keep your azz off the pity pot. Time to cope, not mope!
Agree with Tal. Done is done so learn from the mistakes done in the past.

Tal, can't rate you twice today,but you said it perfectly!

Dear 4answers.

Don't you think that it's time that you took your life back into your hands and set yourself some realistic goals and go for them, instead of crying over spilled milk?

Ask yourself why you are putting your life on hold knowing that it's not taking you anywhere but deeper down that black hole of nothingness. Is that what you really want for yourself? You are not the only one in this world who has loved and lost, and you too will survive it and find the happiness you deserve. But, it's not going to happen if you sit at home and mope. Take control of your life again and give yourself another chance.

Start with doing some of the things you used to enjoy doing before you met her and go out with friends at least once a week WITHOUT bringing up the 'poor me' subjects. Even if you have to put on an act at first, but listen to what is out there in the world and open up and start enjoying it again.

Do as Tal said, read the stickies - see that you are not alone.. and get up and do something constructive instead of destructive.

Let me know what things in life that you used to enjoy.. I really would like to know.

Talk to you later.. Turn off that faucet and LIVE!

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(http://www.sweetim.com/s.asp?im=gen&ref=12)

I just wish I had been more aware of my own needs at the time. More emotionaly mature so that I would realise what I would lose.

I will always love and hate her, as well as hate myself for doing this. I have caused myself years of bitter lonliness and pain...

I don't receive emotional interest of women so this does not help my situation.

(I assumed she looked at the breakup the same as me, that it was with regret that it did not work out between us. - However it seems she is pleased we are not together and we will never talk again... Ouch).

Reading your post has really helped me. Because right now I know that I love my girlfriend I'm just very scared of getting hurt by her as I have done in the past, hence I am very paranoid a lot. Part of me wants to walk away, but I know in the future I will regret it!

Don't hesitate about the situation.
Let it be.

Is it possible to re establish value to ex's so that you can be on friendly terms ?

All relationships only end if its not working therefore the majority end on bad terms ! However time has passed.

The reason I am asking this, is following on from my previous posts of losing an ex who I regret and of not recognizing and valuing that a relationship is not just the physical person, but also the emotional interest of the person. And that my failure to recognise that it is the emotional interest that goes not just the physical person.when a relationship ends.

I have therefore looked over all my previous relationships. And to my surprise I have found a pattern emerging of me destroying through my actions the other persons emotional interest in me and then reacting to this as though it is the person being horrible () to me. Leaving me resentful and full of hate when they have moved on with another partner.

Relationship Niaveity I know - brought on by being raised in a loveless upbringing and having been raised in such a way that all I ever understood about relationships is negative emotions. This would appear to have led me to see relationships in only a physical sense, not an emotional one.

I therefore want / need to be able to understand this in more detail, so that I can break this destructive cycle in my life. So I want to be able to talk to the ex partners about how the situations changed their feelings towards me. As in each occasion I have so not seen it and not been prepared for it.

Do you think this to be possible?

Break up is break up. No contact = solution.

My ex gave me false hopes... telling me we could get back in the future and a lot of bullsh*t. After learning from Bigbird123, SneezyFunny, jiltedgirl, and everyone else... it's all lies~

Right now, I've been struggling with myself and still persisting to fight on. I plan on fuqing my ex's family just like she did with my family.

Why would you want to rehash old feelings, not just for you but for your exes, just leave it at what it is. Go see a therapist to understand your actions, don't drag other people into your problems

If you want to understand yourself and your exes better, then get healthy first, and identify the changes you want to make in yourself.

That means leave them alone, until your healthy enough to deal with yourself, and anything else life throws at you.

Trust me, not all of your break ups were entirely your fault, its never that simple. Don't think like that.

Hi guys. I need some advise if possible.

I was with a partner, scared to take the next step. Ended things, tried the friends, which we did. She met another and I realised the mistake I had made and went to pieces... Excessive contact etc.

Pushed her closer to this new guy.

Its been years and I have not been able to move on (not met anyone) or been able to forgive myself for what I have done. How I acted towards her.

My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. But I can't and she is married now.

She is on a social network site as we have mutual friends.

I want to send her a message to appologise for the way I acted ! But I am not sure if this is a wise thing to do ?

Any advise would be appreciated!

I think the only reason why you want to message her is to have that contact. But saying sorry now does not change anything because her life is set out, she is married now. Allow yourself to move forward. Have you ever thought the reason why you haven't met a significant other is because you are still hung up on your past? How do you expect to meet anyone when you actully don't want to, because you want something you cannot have.

(Its been years and I have not been able to move on (not met anyone) or been able to forgive myself for what I have done. How I acted towards)
It HAS been years and you have not allowed yourself to move on, why are you putting yourself through this? Forgiving yourself and being gentle with yourself is apart of moving on, it is the past and we all make mistakes and have regrets- its apart of life.

(My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. but I can't and she is married)
This is a dilema because we cannot turn back time, and if we could life would be to perfect. She has married now. What about you? Don't you think that you deserve marriage with someone?

You need to realise that we all make mistake, but everything happens for a reason, it was written. FORGIVE YOURSELF and this will help you to move on. I'm sure she has forgiven you, sorry to say but she probarly doesn't think about it, harsh I know.

[QUOTE=MiSSsy111222;1591146][B](My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. but I can't and she is married)
This is a dilema because we cannot turn back time, and if we could life would be to perfect. She has married now. What about you? Don't you think that you deserve marriage with someone?

QUOTE]

Your right on all counts, she has moved on, which kills me that the feelings were one sided. (I regret ever meeting her) I have not met anyone else because for some reason, poor looks I guess, women are not attracted to me.

So very litte I can do on that score...

[QUOTE=MiSSsy111222;1591146][B](My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. but I can't and she is married)
this is a dilema because we cannot turn back time, and if we could life would be to perfect. she has married now. what about you? dont you think that you deserve marriage with someone?

QUOTE]

Your right on all counts, she has moved on, which kills me that the feelings were one sided. (I regret ever meeting her) I have not met anyone else because for some reason, poor looks I guess, women are not attracted to me.

So very litte I can do on that score....

So your telling me you have not met anyone because you are not attractive? Are you sure its not the lack of self esteem? Your attitude towards life right now sucks! There are 2 kinds of people

1# the onces who lack self faith, believe that they cannot do better, don't live life to the full because they believe they do not have the ability. THEY Don't TRY!

2# the onces who live life to the full, make with what they have got, believe in themselves. And TRY!

There is someone else there waiting for you. Sounds like yourself esteem is shatterd. Now its time to do something about it. What activitis do you like? You like sports? Reading? You have any hobbies?

Join a group, find some physical activities to do,you will meet new people and increase yourself esteem at the same time.

Missy made some great points, and the sooner you let go of the past, the sooner you can work on the now. You cannot go back to a happier time in your life, and have it work for you today. That's over, and done with.

Look ahead to building your own life now, and take responsibility for your own happiness. When you learn to love yourself, and who you are, then you can forgive your past mistakes, and move forward.

Now go do something good for yourself.

Bumped into ex when you parted years ago on very bad terms and the relationship meant nothing to her.

How do you handle that ?

You continue on, no need for playing catch up on a bad time.

I am not sure of the question's goal.

You keep on walking

You don't do anything. Avoid confronting her.

If it's unavoidable, be polite, keep the conversation as short as possible and keep walking.

Split with ex many years ago. Never stopped regreting the choice I made.

That is now gone, she has family.

On network sites she knows the same people I do, messages are left where we see each other. I cannot deal with this & can't deal with the fact that the time we had together meant nothing to her !

So I have hidden these friends from my view, so I will not see any messages.

How best to handle this situ ?

The fact that you removed her from your online social network is a good start. You have to continue on with your life without her, as she has moved on. You have to do the same for yourself. I know it isn't easy, but there is no other option.

One thing that I want to point out is that just because she moved on doesn't mean you meant nothing to her. I have a couple ex boyfriends that meant the world to me at one point but after a while you learn whether there's a future with the one you're with. It sounds like you did the right thing. It's time now for you to move on. Good luck!

On network sites she knows the same people I do, messages are left where we see each other. I cannot deal with this & can't deal with the fact that the time we had together meant nothing to her !

Because she has moved on with her life does not necessarily mean what you had meant nothing to her.She has moved on and that is a healthy thing to do when a relationship has ended.

If you can't handle seeing texts and so forth then distance yourself from that as much as possible.Do whatever it takes to heal and not cause yourself further pain.

I just dread seeing her again. It means nothing to her seeing me but an inconvenience ! But for me it a wrong choice I should have walked.. She pushed for marriage as well...

God this sucks, how can I still have so much feeling and she have none

God this sucks, how can I still have so much feeling and she have none
You can't know for certain how anyone feels.She may be showing one persona to the world while inside she is struggling also.You just can't know and it is counter productive to your healing to obsess about it.

You can't blame her for moving on. You made a choice and she moved on. Would you have felt better if she would have cried and begged for you to come back? Or stalked you? None of that is healthy. She moved on for a reason. You weren't the right one for her. Now you need to let go and move on also. You almost sound like you have resentment because she is over her past.

Once again, you cannot assume she cares nothing for you. There is not one girl I have been close to that I can honestly say I care nothing for. I would never wish to be with them again but I still cherish the time we did spend and wish them all a happy life.

As for the social network, I deleted my whole Facebook account over the same issue, I couldn't deal with it at the time. After awhile I cared less and less until I could really care less about what or who or when in regards to her. If it helps you get better and on track than you will do anything it takes, or at least you should.

You almost sound like you have resentment becuase she is over her past.

There is resentment there, because I asked her back when she was single and she turned me donw for a guy she was not even dating ! This from the girl who wanted marriage... That hurts so much...

And now she is married to him... The full relationship was deceipt.

No I don't feel it was deceit. I think she realized who she was and what she wanted after your splitting with her. Would you rather she chose you while she had her mind on someone else? That would have been deceit. Every relationship I have been in I pictured marriage. But then things happen and thoughts and feelings come along. I think you know you need to move on and let go. Have you even dated? Or have you tried?

It is not deceit, it is life. To fully let go you have to realize it wasn't meant to be, and hanging onto anger over her is just eating you up, and doing NO GOOD!

My credo in life: If a girl doesn't want you anymore, or didn't want you to begin, then BYE! There are plenty out there who will appreciate me. Life is too short to worry about someone who doesn't want you.

There is resentment there, because I asked her back when she was single and she turned me donw for a guy she was not even dating ! This from the girl who wanted marraige... That hurts so much...

And now she is married to him... The full relationship was deceipt.

The thing is though, when you dumped her, you basically made a decision to do so, and you can't be angry with her for moving on and not wanting you back when you regretted your decision... even if she wanted marriage when she was with you. You rejected her and once you did, you said no to marriage and you said no to being with her. I don't know her side of this, but I'm guessing that she moved on and realized that you were not right for her. She was probably also hurt when you broke it of with her. Sometimes we really just have to live with the decisions we make. No matter how hard it is. We don't even get to blame the other person. Because it was our own choice.

And even though this stings and it hurts, you need to find a way to deal with your emotions and move on from this. To bloke/delete those people on Facebook was a good start, then you don't have to be reminded of her and you don't have to see her messages and she is hopefully; out of sight, out of mind.

As for what the others said about not caring; I agree 100%

It is not deceit, it is life. To fully let go you have to realize it wasn't meant to be, and hanging onto anger over her is just eating you up, and doing NO GOOD!

My credo in life: If a girl doesn't want you anymore, or didn't want you to begin, then BYE! There are plenty out there who will appreciate me. Life is too short to worry about someone who doesn't want you.

Had to spread rep: exactly! This anger he is holding is not good for anyone!



This really is excellent advice (Qoute above). You need to let go of the anger and you need to let go of the girl who 'got' away. There must be plenty of reasons you decided to let go in the first place.

Hi guys. Could do with some guidance

In conversation with a long ago ex! Sent a friendy hi and received a reply. I apologised for the way I handled the breakup

I have always regreted losing her. I never thought she would not want me, or be pleased that we had parted. Confused how I got it all wrong. Angry at the mistake.

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Just an observation from reading all your other posts, you need someone to be with to be happy.

You will never find happiness until you are happy with yourself as you are, and happy with the life you build for yourself.

Learn to depend on yourself for the way you enjoy yourself. That starts with a good look inside yourself, and seeing the good, and that gives you the ability to see the good in others, no matter what the outside is about.

That opens your mind and heart for what you need, as opposed to what you want. What you want means nothing when compared to what you need.

Hope that made sense.

Learn from your mistakes. It will make you stronger in the long run.

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Just an observation from reading all your other posts, you need someone to be with to be happy.

You will never find happiness until you are happy with yourself as you are, and happy with the life you build for yourself.

Learn to depend on yourself for the way you enjoy yourself. That starts with a good look inside yourself, and seeing the good, and that gives you the ability to see the good in others, no matter what the outside is about.

That opens your mind and heart for what you need, as opposed to what you want. What you want means nothing when compared to what you need.

Hope that made sense.

Tal, your words always resonate within my soul, but I wanted to highlight those in particular because they were especially resonant. Thank you for them.

~ Tee

I understand Talaniman, Its not that I need her or another to be happy, however its natural for us all to want somebody in our lives.

Its just in this particular instance where I have made a mistake in letting someone go, who I should not of and assuming the person would always be available to me. I have found it very difficult to deal with the fact the person is closed off to me and that our time has no value to her, the person who wanted to marry me (pushed for this).

Whilst in the recent communication I have had with her, I took the liberty of apologising for my inappropriate behavior towards her when she met another (I could not handle the fact that all our time had no value to her). It stills leaves me with a sour aftertaste and I cannot for the life of me understand how you can go from loving someone enough to want to marry them and the person not mistreating you, to go to it meaning nothing at all.

There was as you can imagine so much I really wanted to say (good & bad) but I could not. If the past has no meaning or value to her what would be the point. And why does she not have so much to say to me? Is there no answers she needs from me?

I guess I am just mixed up as to the way to deal with this situation - Was an apology a wise thing or will this be taken in a negative way, was saying that we should not keep in touch as bad memories a good or bad thing ? When in reality I so do want to keep in touch and want her to know I regret not settling down with her. But is telling her that a wise thing, because since she has chosen this route, she now has two kids to another man. This I could not forgive.

Surly she must of known, since I never mistreated her, that I am not a bad man or since we were together a long time, this time which had lots of great times must have had / have some value to her. She must of known the bad handling of the situation was simple due to me losing someone I care deeply about (I told her this).

I need some clear headed guidance in this ! A help to let me see the wood from the trees

Don't ever regret this life you chose for yourself. It is part of your journey in life and all that leads up to now, is what defines you as a person (your history).

Be more self forgiving. People make mistakes. Use this as a valuable learning experience to improve the next person that walks into your life.

Do the things you've always dreamed of and wanted to and be happy being single for now and you will find someone else.

I understand Talaniman, Its not that I need her or another to be happy, however its natural for us all to want somebody in our lives.
I completely understand, more than you know. Finding that partner for life is a journey where you will meet many possibilities. Life changes things though, and you must make the adjustments so you can see your options, and opportunities, in a clear fashion. It appears your adjustment is to accept the changes, and seek your options.
Its just in this particular instance where I have made a mistake in letting someone go, who I should not of and assuming the person would alway be available to me. I have found it very difficult to deal with the fact the person is closed off to me and that our time has no value to her, the person who wanted to marry me (pushed for this).
Values change as needs and wants change, and they are also dependent on the person. You are assuming she has no value of you or the time spent. Thats an assumption, and it would be more to the point that she has a great deal of value for you, but not enough to continue down the same path as you. See the difference?
Whilst in the recent communication I have had with her, I took the liberty of apologizing for my inappropriate behavior toward her when she met another (I could not handle the fact that all our time had no value to her). It stills leaves me with a sour aftertaste and I cannot for the life of me understand how you can go from loving someone enough to want to marry them and the person not mistreating you, to go to it meaning nothing at all.
Thats another assumption on your part. For one it takes a lot more than just good treatment to follow someone for life. For another thing, its not that you mean nothing to her, but again it was not enough. Are you beginning to see how your assumptions have led you down some really unrealistic paths yet. Things changed, from being great, to not so great, so she decided to change course for herself. That means some adjustments, not more presuming her motives, or values, as obviously she has values to how she feels, and acts as well. Have you never experienced your feelings changing?? You will eventually.
There was as you can imagine so much I really wanted to say (good & bad) but I could not. If the past has no meaning or value to her what would be the point. And why does she not have so much to say to me? Is there no answers she needs from me?
Sometimes in life, you get your answers, but don't want to accept them. So you ignore them. Thats what you have hear, her actions speak volumes and you refuse to accept, or understand what she is saying, her feelings have changed and she is going down another path, and its no longer about you, but about her and what she wants now.
I guess I am just mixed up as to the way to deal with this situation - Was an apology a wise thing or will this be taken in a negative way, was saying that we should not keep in touch as bad memories a good or bad thing ? When in reality I so do want to keep in touch and want her to know I regret not settling down with her. But is telling her that a wise thing, because since she has chosen this route, she now has two kids to another man. This I could not forgive.
There is nothing to forgive her for, and you have spoken your piece. Your in shock over the rejection, and the sudden changes to your life, and thats okay, as humans need time to process the things they experience and regroup and heal. Thats where you are, at a sudden fork in the road, and now you must decide which path to take. Give it some thought, thats your healing, so you can look forward and decide which way to go.
Surly she must of known, since I never mistreated her, that I am not a bad man or since we were together a long time, this time which had lots of great times must of had / have some value to her. She must of known the bad handling of the situation was simple due to me losing someone I care deeply about (I told her this).
She knows all that, and will have good memories of the good time she enjoyed with you. Honestly we all feel that way after we get rejected/dumped. What matters is how we deal with it and thats whats important.
I need some clear headed guidance in this ! A help to let me see the wood from the trees

Life throws many things at us all the time, that goes for everyone. Thats not the important thing, thats a given, thats just life. What matters is how we deal with the situation we find ourselves in. How we cope with it, and ourselves, so we can continue on our journey thru the mysteries of life. You never know what tomorrow brings, but for sure whether today was good or bad, you have to let it go and deal with a new day.

Stop dwelling on what she does, for herself, and focus on what you do for yourself! Thats how you see the path that goes thru the forest of trees.

I so miss what I had, I so miss her wanting me, never thought it would go to the point where she does not want to keep in touch.

I wished to god I had realised what I was doing...

Done now, but hurts so much...

( Can't believe it was all for nothing, nothing to show for it, not even kids).

Can't believe she is happy with this !


Even though spoke briefly, I can't even tell her because she would not want to know... What an error... Ouch!!

1) You can't keep living in the past.
2) You can't force someone to be with you if they don't feel the same way.

The longer it takes for you to accept this reality, the longer it will take for you to heal from this experience.

Learn from your mistakes so that you will be a stronger person in the future.

1) You can't keep living in the past.
2) You can't force someone to be with you if they don't feel the same way.

The longer it takes for you to accept this reality, the longer it will take for you to heal from this experience.

Learn from your mistakes so that you will be a stronger person in the future.


Just can't understand why she does not have questions. Staying friends seems to of allowed her to wein herself off me... I didn't realise. Aaaargh !

Just can't understand why she does not have questions. Staying friends seems to of allowed her to wein herself off me... I didn't realise. Aaaargh !

She doesn't have questions because she either:

1) has all the anwers that she wants; or
2) doesn't care what the answers are.

You got to let it all go. It will just cause you misery. There's no reason for you to suffer.

Please read my signature line. It made me think of you.

Why are you over her? Give some more details if you want help that's at least a little unique to your situation.

You can't move forward if you're always looking back. If you look towards the future, then you can see the new beginning

You really need to pull yourself together. This is life. My favorite quote is this: "It is what it is." Cold hearted, but fact.

It sucks... lots of things suck in life. Balancing the good with the not so good is what we have to do on a daily basis. Live for yourself, not for someone who doesn't want you.

The key in life is to learn to want what you have, and need what you want... (sounds confusing, but it really isn't)

Is this her?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/advise-help-45308.html

No different girl - the one that got away.

Just a painfull rant over mistake made...

You will make mistakes through life. The only time when a mistake is unacceptable, is when you don't learn from it.

Learn from this mistake and keep moving forward.

Hi All.

I am sick and tired of feeling regret and pain over losing an ex who whilst she said the words her actions have demonstrated our time meant nothing to her.

I can't help but wish I had gone down the road with her, but this is stupid to feel this way about someone who never cared for me!!

I just don't want to feel this way. I wish I had never went out with her. So much deceit !

Any advice.

(Its been years and I still feel the same).

Are you relying on someone else to make you happy??
Maybe your time did mean something to her and her actions are just saying it's time she moved on... It doesn't mean that she didn't feel everything she said...
I am just now ending a very long relationship.. I don't regret most of the time with him and I know that even though our actions are clearly telling each other we're done.. I know it did mean the world to both of us at some point...
It's time you forgot about the pain and don't be afraid to jump right back in... there is no other way to do it... but you have to make yourself happy first... It's too much to ask for somebody else to do it for you... but hey... goodluck with that whole no contact thing... haha..

What was that last post? You are probably staying in contact with her some way or another and you are not able to move on. It is time to stop ALL contact and take care of yourself. Be selfish and do the things YOU want. You'll soon see things in a different light.

It's really just a matter of choice. You can choose to hold on to regret and pain and continue to wonder what might have been, or you can choose to let it go and get over it.

What's the point of focusing your energy and thoughts on something in the past that you can't change? You can't change the fact that it did happen. You did go out with her and there was deceit, so think about what the lessons are for you rather than stewing about it.

Let it go - make the effort to stop thinking about it. Make an effort to stop letting what happened eat into your mind and soul. Focus on the present and the good things in your life. Focus on your work, your friends, your interests. Focus on enjoying the life and the gifts that you have.

You can change, you can move on, you will have a better life because you had this experience.

Hi All.

I am sick and tired of feeling regret and pain over losing an ex who whilst she said the words her actions have demonstrated our time meant nothing to her.

I can't help but wish I had gone down the road with her, but this is stupid to feel this way about someone who never cared for me !!!.

I just dont want to feel this way. I wish I had never went out with her. So much deceit !

(Its been years and I still feel the same).

Eureka ! Now I have it, I will do No Contact before I ever meet them, then they will not hurt me....lol
Reply With Quote

So, you know now that logic won't work. You can't let go of your regret and pain because that's a good idea, or even because you feel sick and tired of feeling this way. You also feel that "her actions have demonstrated our time meant nothing to her," she is "someone who never cared for me (you)," and in the relationship there was "So much deceit!"

You've got me convinced that she deceived you. But wait! There is something else, your Eureka! moment. The word "they" jumps out.

Who are "they?"

If you answer "women," or "a certain kind of woman," please consider the possibility that at least half of whatever happened in this relationship happened because of your pattern with "them." No blame there, just the thought of owning your share of responsibility. If you have had similar experiences in other relationships, maybe you aren't the innocent victim you feel yourself to be. Maybe you are co-producer. It's just a thought.

It would be great to finally relieve your ongoing suffering. How many years? If you solve the puzzle of discovering and rewiring your relationship pattern, meaning that you identify what you do that contributes to bad relationships, your pain will diminish in proportion to the changes you make in the pattern. Make big changes and you can dump a lot of baggage in the Relating With Women department; you'll feel very relieved and new relationships can take a better path. Make small changes and you'll feel a little better.

The first milestone would be to be free of your regret and pain regarding her. The second would be to be able to have much better relationships going forward. In the process, you get to understand yourself better.

Or, digging deeper into this direction would be a waste of time. She did you wrong and you have to suffer some more before you finally let go of all this. Are you a reader? I'll recommend some books. Want help with introspection? A good therapist can help a lot. Want to work on yourself in this forum? Start by describing your history with women as you understand it.

Tao

I won't patronise or teach you lessons. You are right! This really is sh!t of a feeling. I know what you're through and it's been almost 3 year for me either. It keeps you wondering how the hell she regrouped so fast into an entirely different being. Yeah, you long to hear from her but can't stand the news about her. Oh well. But Tao is right. You'll suffer more before it's finally enough. My sympathies and best of luck to you!

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If your so sick, and tired why haven't you done anything about it?

What have you done for yourself besides torture yourself, over and over again.

You have been given a lot of advice, but have you taken it?

Talk to me, tell me about the work your doing for yourself? Or are you just having a bad day?

Just seen a photo of a long ago ex, with the lad she chose over me. This is someon, who I have pined for.

I can't believe I allowed myself to get hung up on her! She is nothing special to look at, but what makes it worse is her lad is ugly... Now that's a slap in the face... Shocked !

Times like these where you realize not everythings about looks which is how it should be. Let her and her "ugly" lad be happy =]

Such he reason we get over and move on.

But also remember looks is nothing in a relationship,they come and go

No need to concern yourself with her choice of partners anymore. You do not have a say in wo she is with and who is good looking enough for her. Just let her be. If she is happy with that guy then that's good enough.

If you'd like to feel better about yourself, just think that she couldn't find another guy like yourself, someone "goodlooking", so she just went with what she could find.

Good luck... and try to move on from this... and her...

Looks/attractiveness are in the eyes of the beholder... Anold saying but very true.

It is normal to feel SOMETHING when you see an ex with someone new. Your feeling sounds very normal to me...

A funny quirck of mine is that for some strange reason I always imagine that my BF's exes must be absolutely stunning. The same goes for when I meet someone's partner. I am often shocked because they don't meet my bizarre and high expectations. They are always more normal than I had expected.I suppose this has something to do with the fact that Western Culture is obsessed with physical attractiveness, and this is how worth is often measured.

Let your ex be happy with her chosen partner... Don't compare or think too much about it.