Threads merged

Fair warning: please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Background info: dated my ex for about 3 years (3 this March). We broke up many times due to me being childish and playing games. I would say one thing and mean another. I also would get angry at the littlest things. I recognized my faults and sought professional help... but I'm not improving too much. My ex broke up with me a month ago for the first time. Its always been me who initiated the break ups (we had about 5 in 3 years, longest one was 1 month). I kept breaking up because I thought that I could always win him back. Now, I realize that he is completely done with me. I called and texted and he response with "I'm sorry. I can not."
I know I got us to this end. I blame myself. Now, I see him out and about with friends and girls and is doing o.k. while I'm trying to just get through the day without crying. I know I have to focus on myself and make myself happy, but I can't get over the idea that if I wait a month or two months, he will give me another chance. This is not healthy and I want to stop thinking this way.
Has anyone gone through this? Where you were the one who caused the break and realize that you should get over it and not live in the past.

All I will say is, everyone will always have that false hope for awhile. I still have it.

BWK10: How long ago was your break-up?

He seems fine with it because he'd thought about it for a while before the breakup , so his emotional turmoil has been dealt with and he's probably fine now which is generally the case for the Dumper.

"How do you deal with the False Hope"?

You accept that it's over and get on with the healing process , read the stickies at the top of the forum for some great articles on how to do this. Then once you've healed (and it doesn't happen overnight) you'll be in a far better place to decide if your really right for each other if he ever does come back , but I wouldn't be holding my breath on that happening.

Good Luck!

You guys have just been going through a vicious circle! Its time to end the circle, the relationship wasn't going anywhere! You will be much happier with someone else with a fresh start.
Good luck

I understand your feedback dynocompe. But right now, my heart is so focused on my ex. I keep remembering the good times we had and also, of course, the bad times I often start. I want him to give me another chance so badly that I'm starting to not be myself anymore. He makes me want to be a better person(in a relationship).

Stop giving your ex all this power to control your feelings and your life. He said he won't be back. There is nothing you can do to force him to come back. And would you want him back if he was forced? I think not.

Learn from this experience, and move forward.

Just to offer my "advice" having gone through this recently, only a month ago today. I know how your feeling, however... I think its time to let this one go. Begin your healing, he isn't coming back like he said, my ex said the same thing to me... I never even asked for her back, another chance.

It's a difficult thing to accept, I still have false hope she will come back too... she was my first true, true, true love. She even texted me a few days ago, saying "Hey" and immediately I thought she wanted to tell me something, like she hesitated, never said much and that was it.

Go into no contact right away, I know its difficult and you'll think about him a lot. The first week is most difficult, I cried all the time... the thought of not having her in my life anymore was terrible. Days, weeks go by... it gets easier, everyday I miss her less and less.

Again, thinking about past times... nothing wrong with it in my opinion. You remember good times you had together, why forget times when/where you were actually happy? One specific time I personally remember from my relationship is remembering the times I would be at the door waiting for her, seeing the smile come across her face every time.

Hello Peek,

No, I have not been the one to initiate the break up and make up, however, I have had a man do that to me... Many times throughout our relationship. It's like "the boy who cried wolf". After a while,it gets old, and when I was in that situation, I was the one who had ended it once and for all! This man that you speak of most likely grew tired and immune to all of these breaking and making ups...

It is good that you own up and see that it is a problem for you. I think that you may need to work on YOURSELF first before you even try to have a relationship. I'm not saying that this is the end of your ex. I am just sayng, really try and find out why it is that you do this, because there really shouldn't be any of that going on in a relationship. A good relationship consists of trust, communication, and making the other person feel special! Not saying hurtful things and breaking up with them when ever the going gets tough.


As far as False hope, well, all I can say is if he is moving on then maybe it is time for you to move on as well. Focus on YOURSELF!

I wish you luck!

Wondergirl:
I want to move on. I really do. I hate feeling like this. I want to make things right with him. I truly love him and realize how wrong I was to treat him that way. I want to use my realization with him and no one else.

He makes me want to be a better person(in a relationship).
Obviously he didn't, which is why you got dumped. Maybe its time you forget about the relationship, and started making yourself better, just because you need to.

Yeah, you have to understand he said he's not coming back. Accept it, it's hard... I KNOW. I still love and miss my ex dearly, but she isn't coming back.

Would you ever give this man, your ex, another chance if you saw that he really loved you and was trying to change how he treated you?

Hello again Peek,

I did give my ex a chance, EIGHT chances, which is why I ended it once and for all!

If my ex wanted to try again, without hesitation I would. Two strikes your out, not three.

After getting dumped by you so many times, and having to put up with your crap, I would never take you back. So do your changes to be a better person.

Change for yourself,not to get somebody back.

And change you need to do,its not surprising that he finally gave up on you,having been dumped so many times.

Good luck.

Me again. I slipped and broke the NC rule. Its been a full week since I last contacted my ex. (last Sunday, after seeing a picture of him holding another girl). I know I'm asking for hurt. He has made it clear that it is over. I want to accept this.

I am trying to keep myself busy. I'm not sitting at home on the computer. But I'm still having a hard time with this. I want him to be happy and respect his wishes, but I still want to know how he is doing and if he is missing me (not healthy, I know). I get really hurt when I see him with other girls. Its only been a month since he broke up with me... but I guess, HE broke up with me, so its not that soon for him.

I want to get better and out of this rut of jealously and not letting go and accepting the situation. It should no longer be my concern... but I can't help it. I've blocked and deactivated my social network accounts that Sunday. I want to feel better. And I'm not...

Its very hard, we all know that, but you have to stick with it. Not for him, for you.

Start making plans for your summer programme-it sounds really exciting!

Other than that,keep busy,stop trying to find out what he is up to-one day at the time.

Stay NC,it works.

Take care.

Threads merged again

I activated my Facebook tonight. I hope its not a mistake. I went and saw my ex's profile. I noticed that he took all of our photos off from all the trips we took together. He kept other pictures where I was not in it. I understand. I'm just really hurt. I still have so much false hope. :(

I was good for a full week... and I slipped today. :-(

Update: I deactivate it again.

It is not having a face book, it is going to see the ex pages, why do you care what they have done,

If you don't have enough strengh to igore her, then deactivate, the pages do nothing, so you have a page, get rid of x's as friends and don't visit their pages

UPDATE: I'm back to step one. I have my days where I think I feel fine and then I'll have days where its like the first day again. I'm so hurt and lost.

UPDATE: I'm back to step one. I have my days where I think I feel fine and then I'll hav days where its like the first day again. I'm so hurt and lost.

That can be a normal part of the process.

Just remind yourself of the good days and how/why you felt fine. Soon the good days will outweigh the bad.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope this is a lesson learned. The lesson is- "Don't play games with people". I honestly feel sympathy for him in the fact that he had to go through the pain of your games and breakups for three years. And Im happy for him that he finally had enough of it and had the courage and peace to move on, and now he can be happy. My on and off girlfriend of three years has done that to me constantly. I know how it feels to be played with. Now you know how he felt when you were pushing him aside. Im sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. But hopefully you have learned and will never do that again with another, for their sake.

It is a lesson learned. I know I was in the wrong for putting him through my childish ways. He has moved on.

It is a lesson learned. I know I was in the wrong for putting him through my childish ways. He has moved on.

Good. Now do him a favor and just leave him alone to be happy.

darkdays:
You sound an aweful lot like my ex. He too was struggling in the career field and he too was getting a lot of bad luck. He is still very polite to me when I slip and text him. I agree with you. I want him to be happy. And I'm trying very hard to get rid of this false hope and move on. But its not easy. As poorly as I treated him, I still had my good aspect. I really love this person... I just didn't know the right way of showing it to him until it was too late. The old saying is correct: you don't know what you have until you've lost it. I had to learn this one the hard way. And I'm still learning. I don't want to be selfish anymore.

k.

Well... just about everybody at some time has been in that place where you are hating being alone, wanting to know your ex is more miserable without you than with you, etc.

Seems to be a lot of threads these days on the boards with people having a really hard time with the misery of breakup... is it the weather? Changing of the season? Don't know.

All I can tell you is expect to feel like crap. And be OK with feeling like crap. If you keep putting your hand in a fire, at some point you anticipate the burn... and the pain after.

So you need to worry less about why or how he is moving on... and more about why you are struggling with feeling secure and struggling with control issues... whether you are in a relationship or out of one...

There's more than a few billion people on this earth. I'm thinking one or two of them might also be a decent fit.

But before you even try to go there... you need to spend time with yourself. Alone.

And a lot of people don't like spending time with themselves. Time to do it. Work through this noise of manipulating and playing games. Time to figure out why you need to control others and why you don't feel secure with others.

And when he was going through his streak of bad luck, I bet he would have appreciated you being a pillar in his life instead of playing the games. Just the same thing Im going through.
Im sorry if Im coming off a little brash, but when the person that claims to love you so much just plays games with your emotions when you need them the most, it's abusive and hurts like crazy.
But I give you credit in coming clean about what you have done and seem to show remorse for it.
It's just so sad that there are tons of people in this world, and right here that go through that with the ones they love. I just don't understand how someone could do that for their own selfish reasons without caring what they are doing to the person they claim to love. When are people going to learn to grow up and stop hurting others. And I don't think that it's something that should have to be learned, it's something people should not want to do because it shouldn't be in their heart to do so.

I understand what you are saying darkdays.
I'm not trying to give excuses, but I had a homelife where drama was a regular occurrence. My parents were not well suited for each other, but they remained together. In their situation (as I now realize), was a unique one. I learned that you really don't have a choice in who you fall in love with, but you do have a choice in being with them. I was under the impression that if you love someone, you will always be with them... I now understand otherwise. Love is not unconditional.

I did not mean to hurt my ex. This was my first love and I did not know what a healthy relationship looked like. He tried to tell me and yes, I did not understand the pain I was putting him through. And I will never want to do that again to him. I can't take back the way I treated him, but I really wish in my heart of heart that he would let me SHOW him how much I've learned from this. But, it is wishful thinking, I know. I have to be alone and work out my issues. I just hope...

I understand what you are saying darkdays.
I'm not trying to give excuses, but I had a homelife where drama was a regular occurance. My parents were not well suited for each other, but they remained together. In their situation (as I now realize), was a unique one. I learned that you really don't have a choice in who you fall in love with, but you do have a choice in being with them. I was under the impression that if you love someone, you will always be with them.....I now understand otherwise. Love is not unconditional.

I did not mean to hurt my ex. This was my first love and I did not know what a healthy relationship looked like. He tried to tell me and yes, I did not understand the pain I was putting him through. And I will never want to do that again to him. I can't take back the way I treated him, but I really wish in my heart of heart that he would let me SHOW him how much I've learned from this. But, it is wishful thinking, I know. I have to be alone and work out my issues. I just hope...

Can I ask you something? And be honest. What did playing these games do for you?

Just remember that with every mistake , as long as you learn from it , come's the new and improved you.

There will be more love in your life but first you need to re-group and just date yourself for a while.

darkdays:
The games gave me reassurance that he loved me. I would say, "no, its o.k. you don't have to come over cause' its kinnda late." and if he says o.k. I feel bad because he doesn't want to see me. But if he says, "I don't care how late it is." it makes me feel loved. I know, its childish. I'm working on being honest and telling my partner what's REALLY on my mind.

darkdays:
the games gave me reassurance that he loved me. I would say, "no, its o.k. you don't have to come over cause' its kinnda late." and if he says o.k. I feel bad because he doesn't want to see me. But if he says, "I don't care how late it is." it makes me feel loved. I know, its childish. I'm working on being honest and telling my partner what's REALLY on my mind.

I never thought of it that way. So what you are saying is that you did it because of your own insecurities? Not to necessarily hurt him?

I wanted to come off as a confident person, so I would say things that sounded like I didn't care. I thought if he didn't know HOW MUCH I cared for him, he wouldn't take advantage of my feelings. Silly as it sounds, I thought that guys like the chase and once they get it, they don't want it anymore.

So, long answer short, yes I am very insecure when it comes to relationships. I never wanted to intentionally hurt him. I always feel crappy when I hurt him. I kept breaking up with him because I didn't want to treat him the way I did. But when we break up, I missed him so much and I was weak and selfish. I made a vow to be a better person and treat him better when we got back together... but my insecurities always got the better of me. I am seeking professional help and it has made me realize this but my habits hasn't changed yet, hence the final breakup.

I wanted to come off as a confident person, so I would say things that sounded like I didn't care. I thought if he didn't know HOW MUCH I cared for him, he wouldn't take advantage of my feelings. Silly as it sounds, I thought that guys like the chase and once they get it, they don't want it anymore.

So, long answer short, yes I am very insecure when it comes to relationships. I never wanted to intentionally hurt him. I always feel crappy when I hurt him. I kept breaking up with him because I didn't want to treat him the way I did. But when we break up, I missed him soo much and I was weak and selfish. I made vow to be a better person and treat better when we got back together....but my insecurities always got the better of me. I am seeking professional help and it has made me realize this but my habits hasn't changed yet, hence the final breakup.

This is so unbelievable. You sound so much like my girlfriend. I hope you can stay with me on this for a little while, I have so many questions. Because this sounds like it may be the same thing with her.
When we would get together after not seeing each other for a while, she would ask if I was excited to see her. And if I didn't act excited, she would get into a mood. When she would break up with me, she would do so in a really strong and mean way. And there were a few times when she would break it off that I would just say OK, that's fine, and the next few days she would call me asking me what's wrong with me, but she was the one breaking it off, and I would just agree to it. She would act as if I was supposed to be upset and chase after her. Does any of that sound like it's because she is insecure and was just trying to make sure I loved her?

Yeah.
You're correct when you said "as if I was supposed to be upset and chase after her." Yes, I wanted my ex- to chase after me, to prove his love for me, go give 110% of himself to me...
What I didn't see was what I DIDN'T give him.

Your girlfriend needs to know that she will lose you, FOR GOOD, if she continues her treatment of you. She might not process that because you guys got back together (as I did with my ex.) after multiple break ups. So, she might (and I'm not speculating here) not take you serious, like me with my ex.

I can't give any definite answers, as I am still going through the emotions. Very situation is different. I know what I did wrong and until your girlfriend realizes how she contributes to the relationship (whether positively or negatively), I'm not sure her treatment of you will change.

Hope that helps.

Yeah.
You're correct when you said "as if I was supposed to be upset and chase after her." Yes, I wanted my ex- to chase after me, to prove his love for me, go give 110% of himself to me.....
What I didn't see was what I DIDN'T give him.

Your girlfriend needs to know that she will lose you, FOR GOOD, if she continues her treatment of you. She might not process that becuase you guys got back together (as I did with my ex.) after multiple break ups. So, she might (and I'm not speculating here) not take you serious, like me with my ex.

I can't give any definite answers, as I am still going through the emotions. Very situation is different. I know what I did wrong and until your gf realizes how she contributes to the relationship (whether positively or negatively), I'm not sure her treatment of you will change.

Hope that helps.

So does that mean she actually does love me and is afraid of losing me? I that why she tests me so much?

I don't know. The only person who does is your girlfriend. Ask her. That was the one thing (among so many other) that I truly appreciated about my ex. his honesty. I was too immature to give that back to him. :(

Be honest and ask her. Best of luck! Thank you for your feedbacks. Best wishes to you and I hope your luck starts to pick up! Good-Night

Being afraid of losing someone is not proof of love. Doesn't exclude it. Isn't conclusive for it.

Testing to "prove love" is really just seeking comfort in having control that you cannot seem to find within.

I don't know. The only person who does is your girlfriend. Ask her. That was the one thing (among so many other) that I truely appreciated about my ex., his honesty. I was too immature to give that back to him. :(

Be honest and ask her. Best of luck! Thank you for your feedbacks. Best wishes to you and I hope your luck starts to pick up!! Good-Night

Well was it how you felt about him? That you were too afraid to lose him that you would test him that way? I know Im asking a lot of questions, and I appreciate your answering. You would not believe how long I have wanted to know why she does what she does, and you have finally shed the light I was waiting for. For that, I thank you.

Be careful not to misunderstand my reasons and actions as your gf's.
We might do the same things, but have different MOTIVES for doing it. You should ask your girlfriend these questions as well. Get it from her.

Kp2171 is right: testing to "prove love" is really just seeking comfort in having control that you cannot seem to find within.

I did want control and that was wrong.

Be careful not to misunderstand my reasons and actions as your gf's.
We might do the same things, but have different MOTIVES for doing it. You should ask your gf these questions as well. Get it from her.

Kp2171 is right: testing to "prove love" is really just seeking comfort in having control that you cannot seem to find within.

I did want control and that was wrong.

But apparently you loved him, and felt satisfaction knowing he loved you too when he would struggle to get you back after you treated him that way, correct? And you still do love him, but now miss him because he didn't take the bait the last time, right?

Yes.

Yes.

Now I finally understand why she was doing what she was doing. It all makes so much sense now. I knew there had to be a reason, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was really getting to the point to where I was starting to believe that all the mean accusations she makes about me were true, and here the whole time it was nothing more than her acting out of her own insecurities. You have no idea how much better I feel now. The confusion is finally gone.
Thank you so much for explaining your situation. You probably never thought it would help someone else. That one question, "why", has finally been answered after all this time. Now I finally got a huge part of my esteem back. Thank you so much for sharing all that.

Now I finally got a huge part of my esteem back.

so the next question to answer is why did you give it (self-esteem) away...

that's not a judgement. Lord knows most of us have done it, and still do it whether in big chunks or small increments...

but feeling better because she was feeling crappy so she made you feel crappy so she could feel better is more than a bit twisted.

and oh so human.

next trick... stop basing yourself esteem on what others say or do... or even what you feel. Start basing yourself worth on your beliefs and your actions. Find the value in your efforts, and less on the results.

its not easy to do. Our world is results oriented. But the more you focus on acting through your beliefs, the more you are content with the results, whatever they might be... and a content person can be driven, successful, and accomplished. They just don't give others their own personal power.

k.

its 12:42 and I want something chocolate.

k.

Its 12:42 and i want something chocolate.


29819







29818

That

Will

Work

UPDATE:

Why do I keep having these setbacks!! I'm so angry at myself. I went and googled his screen name and found him on a dating site. I went to it and read the profile (I signed up for the site). It said he was looking for a like-minded gal. So painful to read. :( WHERE IS MY WILL POWER?! Grrrrrr

It hurt so much when I found him on a dating site. I knew it was a bad idea to find out what he was up too. I've been good for 2 weeks until I slipped and texted him 3 days ago because I was worried about him (terrible storm, he has a car that does not do well in the storm) and wanted to let him know that even though it was none of my business anymore, I still hoped that he travel safely to and from where he needed to go. I got a polite "you too." That was the last contact.

I've been missing him terribly and I blocked him from all of my social network things... and I HAD to go and do this. Why does it hurt so much. I NEED and WANT to move on! Why can't I??

Why does it hurt so much.

It's quite normal to hurt , you've lost something that was important to you , a lifestyle and a companion and now you feel you'll never have that again , right?? WRONG , once you get over this you'll have this and more again , but you need to learn from this one and not make the same mistakes again. Really it just takes time.


Why does it hurt so much. I NEED and WANT to move on! Why can't I?!?!

Well while you keep in contact with him (texting etc. ) your just delaying it , and looking at his status on the internet hurts , you've just said it yourself so why do it??

I mean be honest with yourself , Why did you send that text? Not to make sure he was OK but to try and get some sort of reaction , some contact back , and you got it and it wasn't what you were wanting.

So basically the only way to MOVE ON and stop it hurting so much is to STOP contact completely , and that includes looking him up on the Net etc. We can only advice you how it's done , but it's up to you to do it.

Thank you for your advice (^_^).

I really was genuionly(spelling?) worried about him. His car is old and when it rains, it does not run good. Before I texted, I prepaired myself for no response. I didn't get a response 2 weeks ago when I texted an upbeat/short/light message about maybe bowling... so I knew that he might not respond and I was o.k. with that. I wanted him to know that I was thinking of him and still cared for him.

It was a setback, but I felt good that I did that. I was honestly worried and I wanted to get it out of my system.

I think it's time to start worrying about yourself and not him , he's a big boy , he can look after himself ;)

Just let the guy be happy now, leave him alone.

I'm trying too. I know I can't be selfish, but at the same time, I'm the one for him (silly for me to say, I know).

I had to learn the hard way of why I shouldn't treat the person I love with such disrespect. I think I took the old saying "you treat the ones you love like crap because you know they will always be there for you." I NEVER should have took it literal. (-_-)

I'm trying too. I know I can't be selfish, but at the same time, I'm the one for him (silly for me to say, I know).

I had to learn the hard way of why I shouldn't treat the person I love with such disrespect. I think I took the old saying "you treat the ones you love like crap because you know they will always be there for you." I NEVER should have took it literal. (-_-)

Turns out that saying isn't so true, now is it.
Im sure you feel bad about how you treated him, but there is only so much anyone can take of having their feelings mistreated. You say you're the one for him, but when you were with him, you were not proving that you were. The one for him would be someone who would never play those games with him.
My on and off girlfriend will say the same thing when it's too late. She'll also say things like "nobody in this world loves you but me". But isn't saying things like that a bit manipulating? I've had enemies that have treated me better. Although I still love her, what she showed was not love, but control.
Are you sure that you really love this guy? Or is it that you lost control of him and now you want it back? Let's say that you would get him back. And he trusted you all over again. What then? Once you have what you want, as you did before, maybe you'll end up doing the same thing all over now that you have accomplished getting him back. My girlfriend did that. And I even asked her when she wanted to break it off again, why did she want me back only to do the same thing again. And she said, just to see if she could get me back. The way I feel about it, once you get what you want, you might not want it anymore, and then you put this poor guy who only wanted love and companionship through misery all over again.
At this moment, he's not going through that. He got himself through it, and it was probably hard to do. Why not just leave him be and not take the risk of hurting him all over again.

She'll also say things like "nobody in this world loves you but me"


I would never say that to him! My ex. Was a very social and caring person. I would tease him by saying that he will probably not miss (silly things I did) me if we broke up because he has so many company.

I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I want him to be happy with me. I want to make him happy.

But, I understand what you are saying darkdays.

I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I want him to be happy with me.

This reminds me of a talk I had with an ex recently. I've always liked strong women who were perhaps more aggressive than others. Confidence is just sexy as sin. Unfortunately, the same naughtiness that's a turn on directed at me is a big problem when it goes into another bedroom.

After the blowup. The breakup. The hurt and heartache. We finally found some safe ground where we could talk about the past in a friendly way and I lamented

"damn it. i like naughty girls. i just want them to only be that way with me"...

She just smiled and said nothing. It was actually a kind of funny moment. Probably had to be there...

UPDATE:

I saw my ex on match.com and saw that he has viewed my profile. I text and said I saw his profile and thought he was charming. I asked to meet him so we can get to know each other (as if this was our first time talking). It was casual and with no expectation (really). A day after, I got a "that sounds nice." I texted back and said that next Sunday would be a great time for us to meet. I got back a "maybe, have to see my work schedule." I texted "sounds good." I hope this is not a mistake.

UPDATE:

I saw my ex on match.com and saw that he has viewed my profile. I text and said I saw his profile and thought he was charming. I asked to meet him so we can get to know each other (as if this was our first time talking). It was casual and with no expectation (really). A day after, I got a "that sounds nice." I texted back and said that next sunday would be a great time for us to meet. I got back a "maybe, have to see my work schedule." I texted "sounds good." I hope this is not a mistake.

OMG!! ITS A MISTAKE!!!!

ABORT MISSION!! :eek::eek::eek:

Have you not learnt anything from your time here??


Your going straight back to square one :rolleyes:

:(:confused:

Most recent update:

UPDATE:

I saw my ex on match.com and saw that he has viewed my profile. I text and said I saw his profile and thought he was charming. I asked to meet him so we can get to know each other (as if this was our first time talking). It was casual and with no expectation (really). A day after, I got a "that sounds nice." I texted back and said that next Sunday would be a great time for us to meet. I got back a "maybe, have to see my work schedule." I texted "sounds good." I hope this is not a mistake.


And original post:


Background info: dated my ex for about 3 years (3 this March). We broke up many times due to me being childish and playing games.

And you still are.

This is ridiculous.

Seriously?

Does he knows that this is you from your profile? Or are you hiding that?

Good question, does he know it's you?
You need to quit stalking this guy.

I don't have the patience to wait for clarification...

scenario one: he knows its you and you guys are flirting.
Don't get back together unless what was broken has been identified and addressed. Unless you just need to get back together so you can initiate the last breakup. Or something.

Sounds to me like this is another attempt to boost your ego, which we all have, but when it leads to mistake after mistake, it's a problem.

If you are flirting with him and he knows its you... all you've done is tried for the easy fix.

scenario two: he isnt aware that this is actually you
This would be a childish game. Nothing more to add.

Wish there was a scenario three... anything more palitable than the other two...

So... make me want to come back to this thread and give advice... because I'm not feeling it right now...

You're still playing games-why?

Do yourself a favour and leave him alone.

Heal and move on.

I texted him from my phone, so yes, he knows it me. I told him my name and made it honest to him that I saw him on match.com.

So it isn't the worst case scenario. That's good.

But you are flirting and looking to hook back up maybe...

All ill say there is if you both aren't willing to do a real inventory of what's been broken and how it will be different this time... you're just spinning your wheels.

And maybe you need to do that. At some point you either get traction or you get bored to death going nowhere and you stop it.

I simply see this as a "quick fix" to your not wanting to be alone.

Its OK to not want to be alone... but its not OK to play the games you've played. Honestly, if he would write in here, we'd tell him to do NC and probably run the other way... the games don't need to be played and they won't sustain your need for attention.

I understand what you are saying. I am aware of what I did to end the relationship. I am willing to put in the work.

I am very afraid that I'm getting my false hope up(again). I'm telling myself that I have to SHOW him I've changed. I'm afraid that he will give me a try again and then decide to dump me again.

But I'm getting a head of myself. Its Monday and I asked for a Sunday meeting. I'm going to let things be the way they are. If he texts me back, he texts me back. If he says he can't make it, I will be prepared for it and take it as a hint.

I've posted up photos of me before I met him to help me get my self-confidence back. I have photos of family and friends (more than normal). I know he is very hesitant to talk to me (it took him a whole day to respond to my phone text- although I wasn't even expecting a response) and I'm a afraid that he will regret his decision and I'm here thinking that there might be some hope (I will try to prepare if there isn't)

Harshness Warning

Oh get off the pity pot! My gosh you don't even need him to be a happy healthy person, nor should you even be with him, or any one else, until you are happy with yourself, and make changes to yourself, for yourself, and no one else.

That's my advice, for once take responsibility for yourself, and prove to yourself, you need no one to be happy, but you.

Then you will have something good to share, and not the needy, insecure person you are now.

Until then get real, and get busy, and tell the ex, you have work to do.

I am very afraid that I'm getting my false hope up(again).

It certainly does :cool:


I'm telling myself that I have to SHOW him I've changed.

You can't show someone you've pi55ed off that you've changed in one sitting , it takes time and he will only see any change if it's consistent and over a period with your actions. Anything else or rushed will just look desperate to him.


I'm afraid that he will give me a try again and then decide to dump me again.

)

He quite could , because at the moment your acting like a little puppy just sitting and waiting for him if he decides he wants a piece of you , I'm not for one minute suggesting he would stoop to that , but your making it available.



Bottom line is if you want to show this guy you can change then just change , and then let time be the judge. If he sees it and thinks that you have he may just come back , but I wouldn't bank on it. Once bitten twice shy in most cases.

Update:
I am so stuck. I want to get unstuck. My mind wondered to my ex. Again tonight. I'm writing my thoughts down and reading articles and advices, but I still feel pretty poopy!

Use those feelings & lessons for someone or something down the road.

You say you want to move on, yet want to be back with him.

I say move ahead not backwards.

Who knows the things you may find & discover once you do that.

He really shouldn't be your focus anymore. Just you.

Want you want really & how you go about it.

Take a break, do some soul searching. Have patience too.

Thank you for your kinds words. I understand the honest and direct approach I've been reading, but a kind word goods a long way.

Thank you vanheart

Of course.

Once you make that decision to move on & learn from this, hopefully you can apply that to other things.

And concentrate on what's good. Both within and everything else after.

We've been there & one thing I know is that wasting time on BS. Sad feelings and wrong people don't serve us one bit.

Its all about how you spend your time.

We used to have the No Contact Calender, but it got so big, so fast, we had to move it.

It was a place member could share and support each other. Its in Members Discussions, but was a stickie
At one time.


Take a look, you will see you're hardly alone. Read the Stickies for more good ideas.

thank you for your kinds words. I understand the honest and direct approach I've been reading, but a kind word goods a long way.

thank you vanheart

I agree and apologise if any of my posts have upset you in any way.

Unfortunately sometimes we need to be a bit harsh until reality sinks in , particularly when the dumped fall back after making some positive steps and don't know how to get back up themselves.

We're all here to help and see you get through to the end :)


Edit: You can find the No Contact Calender threads that Tal is talking about in the link below.

29952https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-member-discussions/

Thank you :-)

Update:
I am soo stuck. I want to get unstuck. My mind wondered to my ex. again tonight. I'm writing my thoughts down and reading articles and advices, but I still feel pretty poopy!

You just need to keep talking yourself through this... keep giving yourself "permission" to feel like crap and have that be OK... something you don't have to escape from by acting recklessly.

I still have moments when my ex will stop me in my tracks. Some days it doesn't take much. The more I can accept that it isn't abnormal to feel like this... its expected, even needed... the less it drives me nuts.

I love the girl. Can't be with her. Still love her. Sucks to be me sometimes. Sometimes its great. The less I take myself too damn seriously the easier it is to just breathe and relax and not punch holes in walls. Or stuff.

Anyway... glad you are still trying.

May I ask, why you can't be with her?

There's the philosophical angle and the historical angle.

Mentally... we are two people who have great fun together but somehow... the best way I can describe it... is we "cancel" each other out. Ever been on the playground when two people are spinning a jump rope but its not in synch? Its like that. Destructive interference is what a science geek might call it.

I don't know why. We care greatly for each other. But we don't belong together. It hasn't been healthy for us overall. And its complicated, as we have a son together. So... it's a healthier divorce than it was a marriage, as twisted as that might seem.

The historical side... she fundamentally betrayed me, deliberately.

I like naughty girls. That sometimes bites me on the arse.

Whatever the reasons.

We learn, that not everyone is meant to be together.

As much as we may try.

But being aware for the next time is the key.
(Who you are & what it is you really want)

There's the forest & then there's the trees. Excuse the cliché.

Omg you and l are relationship twins! If you want to privately contact me do not hesitate x

Today would have been our 3rd year mark... but it is not because there is no "us". I am really sad.

"Would have been" is the key.

The past.

No reason to be sad. Look toward your future.
Those thoughts are just that. Ones that make you sad.
We all have 'em.

Oh well. Keep your thoughts about things that make you happy.

Its going to be 6 for me soon. Glad it ended at 5 now.
All I know is that Ive been NC for almost a year & loving it.

Takes time & effort in your part.

Hey, was just thinking about your comment as I was working.

Thoughts pop up all the time.

And, when we are going through these tragic events, (and after) we can let those painful thoughts enter our heads.

Our whole life is about managing those. Spending as much time as we can on the good ones.

Not only that, but conditioning ourselves, through time and effort.
Learning.

I still think about my ex, and lots of other things that don't serve me.

Sometimes I went into spirals over those.

Now those thoughts of her, when then come up are fleeting.

And when I catch myself tripping over that stuff, I say "Ok, stop now."
And maybe call myself some names, then laugh.

And go about my business.

Today would have been our 3rd year mark....but it is not becuase there is no "us". I am really sad.

Yeah. Last week wouldve been ten years. I actually find I get through all the "big days" fairly OK... usually p!ssy and b!tchy... and its afterwards when it's a struggle.

But, like I've said, it's a lot easier when you accept that you are going to feel like crap from time to time... expect it... and don't even run from it. Of course it feels lousy at times. It should.

Doesn't hurt I've been through this mental exercise a few times with previous big loves lost... but still, even when you are prepared and have all the mental tools you need, it doesn't mean it still isn't ugly stuff at times.

Just a part of getting to a healthier place.

Sorry that you are feeling down.

Yup, less p!ssy & b!tchy!! Nice one.

Im all for that. Hehehhe.

With anyone.

Update:

My ex. Said he will meet with me tomorrow at a musuem after I lightly suggested we meet up and hang out. I am looking forward to this meeting, but very scared at the same time.

I'm scared this meeting will make things worse for me in terms of keep wanting him.

Why did I casually contact him for a meeting, you ask? Well, I saw him on a dating website and phone texted him to tell him how charming his profile was and how I wanted to meet up and get to know each other. I suggested maybe meeting up at a musuem. He texted back, two days later, that it sounded "nice."
My reason was to start over. I learned a lot from our past relationship and I want to use what I learned to make my next relationship a healthier one.

I am very scared and nervious for tomorrow. I'm scared he might back out. I'm scared he'll tell me he's seeing someone. I'm scared he'll tell me I need to stop putting in the effort and let him go. I'm going to try my hardest to go into this with no expectation of winning him back. I will enjoy seeing him again and expect nothing. I'm just scared.:(

Just go into this as friends with no expectations what so ever.
If you can't do that, I would suggest cancelling the meet up.

"This is why you are scared:

"I lightly suggested"

"more fasle hope"

"I saw him on a dating website"

"phone texted him"

All wrong things to do.
Theres no reason to do this or meet up.
Unless you like feeling like crap.

Heres the one nice thing you said:

"make my next relationship a healthier one"

You don't need a meetup to do that. You already know.

Its been over.

No, I do not want to keep feeling like crap. I've been feeling like crap for the past two months. And this may be the stupiest thing I'll do, but I hope it will open my eyes to reality.

Yup. Stupid.

But, whatever it takes to open your eyes. Hope it does.

Well, then go for it. But I hope for his sake that if he gives you a second chance, you don't repeat the past and hurt this guy all over again. Have you truly learned how to love someone?

peekcachu,

Was thinking, when I signed up here I wrote something in my question.
Something that I was freaking about.

"Now Im out of site, out of mind & devastated"

Its ironic how NC is.

How now she's out of site & out of mind. With the exceptions of a few tweaks here & there. Only by my doing.

That's the point.

Our doing.

Update:

Went to the movie and was a bit awkward. Both of us had our hands on our lap the whole time. Since he treated me to the movie, I offered to treat to a light pre-dinner meal. He said he already eat and maybe another time. He walked me to my car and gave me a hug. I asked for a kiss on the check and he said yes. I kissed him on his cheek and he kissed me on my cheek and than gave me a kiss on my lips. He wishee me a save drive home and I did the same. When I got home, I texted "thank you again for the movie. You looked really cute with that paw hat you had on. I was too nervous to tell you that in person." He responded with "it was flowers and it was nice to see you too." I'm just happy he agreed to see me. I will continue to work on myself and let him see for himself.

Yup.

You have a life to get on with now.

Feeling blue...

feeling blue.....

Im feeling curious. Would you like to fill us in?

I thought my meeting with my ex. Went well, but we barely got to talk. We met for the movies and than that was it. Our original plan was to go to the museum. I'm just feeling needy, I guess. Seeing him made me really missed him and he was so pleasant towards me. I will be fine, I know. Just feeling blue...

I thought my meeting with my ex. went well, but we barely got to talk. We met for the movies and than that was it. Our original plan was to go to the museum. I'm just feeling needy, I guess. Seeing him made me really missed him and he was so pleasant towards me. I will be fine, I know. Just feeling blue...

Have you and him made any plans to get together again?

You had another expectation then he did here. Or does, for that matter.

That's why you are blue, huh. Starting to realize things...

Yup, sucks however you want to slice it, when it comes to breakups, but..

"Seeing him made me really missed him"

Again, your doing. Don't do it any longer.

More heartache? Or...

I like blue sometimes, when I need it, Im on a project where the brand is blue. Yeah, so..

But certainly don't like feeling blue.

Black & white first. Reality. Sketches of how you see it happening. Then the color.

I like blue sometimes, when I need it, Im on a project where the brand is blue. Yeah, so..

But certainly dont like feeling blue.

Black & white first. Reality. Sketches of how you see it happening. Then the color.

Ok, now you got me confused, you know, the eggshell white satin finish shade of confusion.

Exactly.

Sometime that's hard to crack.

So what say you Peekachu? Is there another date lined up?

Yeah, whattya say?

Hope you guys aren't encouraging her to have more False hope!!

Just sayin' ;)

Nope. Just the opposite.

Didn't think that she should meet up this time, let alone next.
Said so.

Thanks for clearing things up, though. Excuse my cynicism. Just trying to break consciousness a bit.

False hope. That what this tread's about now.

From the sound of it, he is not opposed to another meeting. When we said goodbye, he told me "we'll talk."

Athough right now, I feel more down than anything. I feel very low. I'm not usually the one making all the effort. And that's the thing that hurt the most. After reading all these threads, if one person makes all the effort, its not going to work. I want to wooo him back, but I'm feeling unhappy while doing it. He's giving me sign that he wants to still hang out, but I'm too eager to get back to where we were and I'm afraid that he is not ready to do that. It just hurts no matter how I look at it. :(

With the history you both have why should he be so gung ho to get back to the confusion and conflicts you had before.

That's asking a lot and its not realistic. If things have really changed it will take time to realize it and even more time to believe it.

He is supposed to be very cautious because no matter what you say now, the past is all he has to go by as to what you have been through before.

I would be too if I was in his position. I don't blame him, I'm just very unhappy at the moment. Prior to this, he made it a point to always tell me how much he cared and loved me. Now, I'm just very uncertain. I don't know if he is seeing others while talking to me. Not that I have any rights to him, but it just hurts. I really wanted to text him today, but stopped myself. I'm not going to push and look needy.

I'm going back to getting know me.

Yeah, it hurts when peoples words don't match there actions.

Especially in romantic relationships. And breakups.

But, hang in there. You will get through this. Just don't trip too hard on him anymore. You are already being strong.

"I'm going back to getting know me."

YES, YES & YES!! That's the key.

Being in control of our thoughts, words, and actions.

I want to get through this! I'm afraid its getting worse! I haven't contact or anything, but that meeting really messed up my thinking.

Why?

I am stuck. Before, I told myself its over. I kept repeating it over and over again. After meeting him again, I think there might be a chance, but a very small chance... and sometime I feel that I'm fooling myself. I want to be strong and accept that his lack of contact and effort should speak for itself and even if he doesn't say it, its over. I want to be strong and stop these thoughts! :(

You will.

Meeting with him didn't get the results you expected in the back of your mind because of false hope.

But what it did was push you over the edge to realization.

That's when we hurt the most.

BUT, with that, we can finally get on and find that strength.

I know its incredibly hard not to dwell. And time will certainly help.

Just make sure that you embrace the good things you have going and look for more of them, whatever they are.

When I was going through this, I wanted nothing more to heal & get back to my happy self.

No one was going to stop me in doing that.

You will be better because of this. Remind yourself of that.

Its OK. Happens to the best of us.

I think there is someone better out there for you, other wise you wouldn't have broken up with him five times just for him to finally end it... trust me in that you weren't happy for a reason, even though they don't matter to you now there were valid, so know that you will be happier when you find someone who loves you for you and you love them for them.

Its best to move on sometimes and learn from your mistakes so you don't make them again,

Believe in love like you do but want it with someone new, and give yourself time. I

If we all could do it you can too.

Lots of love.

I was just thinking the same.

What Ive learned from my mistakes.

That's why Im still here. Invaluable.

To be aware. And yes, believe in love. Within first.

I know what contributed to our break up. I wanted financial stability and he wanted emotional stability. Even at the age of 28, he was my first love and 3 years was my longest relationship.

I am just really hurt and sad. I know what I have to do, and I'm trying my very best to do it. I just want it to go faster. I keep hurting myself by thinking that he will change his mind and give us one last go. My problem is, I can't let go. I'm trying everything people tell you to do after a break-up... gym, family, friends, new hobbie, volunteer. And its still very, very, very, very hard. I fight the urge to text him multiple time within a day. When I think of him, I let it happen and I tell myself to move on to the next thought. But more of him is coming back. I feel like such a weak person who failed in all of this... sigh

I know what contributed to our break up. I wanted financial stability and he wanted emotional stability. Even at the age of 28, he was my first love and 3 years was my longest relationship.

I am just really hurt and sad. I know what I have to do, and I'm trying my very best to do it. I just want it to go faster. I keep hurting myself by thinking that he will change his mind and give us one last go. My problem is, I can't let go. I'm trying everything people tell you to do after a break-up....gym, family, friends, new hobbie, volunteer. And its still very, very, very, very hard. I fight the urge to text him multiple time within a day. When I think of him, I let it happen and I tell myself to move on to the next thought. But more of him is coming back. I feel like such a weak person who failed in all of this.....sigh

This urge to text him is normal... we all go through it. Hell, sometimes, and I emphasize sometimes, even the dumper goes through it. But the bottom line is... you have to welcome these feelings, but don't dwell on them. If you guys broke up as many times as you did, it was not meant to be. We all deserve a relationship where the partner always wants to mutually work out whatever problems there may be, instead of wanting to walk out every few months or years. But by no means consider yourself a weak person. Break ups bring even the toughest of us down to the bottom... but everyday even if you don't notice it, it gets better. This forum is the perfect outlet though, anytime you feel like texting him, log on here and let us know about it, and we will keep telling you NC, and give you damn good reasons. (Heh, I'll be pretty much living on this site for the foreseeable future so I'll always be here to help). But the people who post here have so much experience in what your going through, and the best advice I can give is to follow theirs. You will make it, you will stay strong, and keep up the NC. It's the only way to heal, and once you keep it up for a bit, you start seeing things with a clearer mind, and maybe just realize you are happier without all the stress and drama right now

Just keep on. NC.

You can do it. I recall my first bad breakup, I was 24. I thought she was the one at the time. Brutal.

Then my last mistake, well, guess I didn't learn much after all of those years. Hehehe.

The advice here changed & empowered me. Along with others in my life.

Don't for a second think about being a failure. And if you do, ask yourself why. In fact, you should be asking lots of questions right now, especially about yourself. No blame here, just getting to know yourself.

Who are you? What do you want now.

We all deserve a relationship where the partner always wants to mutually work out whatever problems there may be, instead of wanting to walk out every few months or years.

I absolutely agree with you on that. I had parents who mistreated one another and still stayed together. I was under the impression that, no matter what happens, it will always last. So, when I broke up with my ex. I thought that I would always be able to get him back. I never saw it as permanent. I do now.

That was MY mistake. And yes, he DID deserve someone who didn't play with his feelings. Now, that I had this realization, I find that its too late for me to do anything about it. And THAT is what kills me. I thought that I was in charge of my life and I can make my goals and dream happen with lots of hard work.

What you both deserve is to move on.

Sounds sh$$ty, I know. But that's the reality of things, however they hurt.

The point is to make a plan now.

When I was in this spot, my first priority was to heal asap.
Not try to get her back. There was no reason to. And usually never is, when someone makes it clear they don't want you.

It's the past & withdrawal that get in the way. Its like a drug or habit.

But like I said, its in the past now. Don't live there unless it helps you to rock things.

Be patient.

Harshness warning

So you tried for a few months (after 3 years of rather betchy behavior), and it was just so hard for you, so you start talking again, and now you are as miserable, as you were when you first got here, and why? Because he hasn't just slobbered all over you like he misses you

BOO HOO!!

This will be harsh because despite the FACT we understood, and told you to give it time, you quite trying. We all know how hard NC is, and its for your good, not ours, so lets get some facts together.

Had you stayed the course, it would have gotten better, because it always does eventually, then after a proper healing, your emotions would be under a lot better control, and you would have had a chance to to see things from a position of fact, and not your feelings, which is the case now. You wouldn't be all scatterbrained at his reluctance, and been patient enough to actually talk to the guy, and most of all you you would have understood his reluctance and really brought about some positive changes in yourself. Maybe even accepted the break up, and moved to a better place.

So here we are now with you so worried he will reject you yet again (because why should he believe you have changed enough THIS time), you are as frazzled as when you first broke up.

My advice, you better be a good listener, because I seriously doubt he takes you back, because fact is you haven't changed, and maybe you are even more needy, than before, but you just haven't had a chance to be betchy yet. Your to scared right now.

So I wish you luck, I really do, because you have a long way to go to be a good partner to any one and I hope you get there your way, because you have rejected ours and so GOOD LUCK!!

Harshness warning
fact is you haven't changed, and maybe you are even more needy, than before, but you just haven't had a chance to be betchy yet. Your to scared right now.


I am.

Wasn't this originally about false hope?

That's how it started but those pesky feelings kept getting in the way.

Pesky is definitely the correct term... peekachu stay strong and let it go for a bit. It's going to be hard at first but as I said we are all going through or have gone through this, and are here to support you and try and help you with what's best for YOU. I know exactly how you feel, as our stories are kind of similar. Good luck and we are here if you need it... lol even if it is a bit harsh

I love harsh advice. And loving advice.

Puts me back into reality.

I am going through the same thing right now, same scenario - except she cheated - she's only 20 - I'm 27 - she was OBSESSED with me, and then on mar 3rd cut the chord completely, the signs were all there - I stopped gratifying her as she was wearing me out - totally demanding. Last night I gave my false hop ea dabble and after some brilliant NC - where she was badgering me, tellign me she can't believe I moved on so quickly - I agve in and we met up. This morning I am back to square one - false hope sucks! We both need to let go, if we love them, let them be happy. My Ex has gone from beign shy and hating to go out, to going out every night, spending loads of money on clothes etc and she rubbed it in my face last night. I realise that false hope is detrimental.

I don't mind the harsh advice. I just want to get through this.

Its will take a lot of time, and some hard work on your part. A lot of hard work.

Update:

Now I'm fearing that I will be alone all my life...

I really want to text him...

Don't do it... I know how it feels I wanted to do the same thing last night... but really consider the outcome. What if you text him, and he does not text back? Don't you think that might make you feel worse? Maybe not worth the risk.

I did not text him. I really, really, really wanted to. But I did not.

I want to text him and tell him "I'm sorry" and how much "I've learned from my mistake," and tell him how much "I want to spend my life with him, and grow old with him and face challenges and rewards of life with him."

And when/if he rejects this, than it is another push in the direction that "it is over!"

Bad idea?

Sounds desperate, and like you're begging to me. What do you think?

Bad idea... don't you think it will hurt more if he:
a) doesn't respond
Or
b) just flat out says no

Think about your feelings... I would let it go. Trust me I know it is hard. I'm in the same boat as you right now. I think about texting my ex all the time, but fact is what good will it do? Makes it harder on us, and easier on them. I strongly advise against contacting him in any way

Maybe you should read originals thread!

Haha maybe than she will realize how useless it is and how much more pain you have to go through

Today is April 2nd. I have not talked, texted, or searched social network for my ex. My mini goal is to go through the whole month of doing this!! Little by little

How about when you get the urge to contact your ex, you do a healthy activity, such as:
- talk with other friends
- exercise
- listen to new music
- help other people on the forum!
- teach your dog a new trick

Now I'm fearing that I will be alone all my life....

I remember feeling like this after a really big love ended.

In hindsight, it was silly. At the moment, it felt real.

Its hard to be patient and hard to get out of your own head.

Any time you have the urge to contact him come here... we will give you a million reasons not to lol

I miss him terribly. I'm here because I'm taking some of the advices. I made the mistake of going to see his dating profile again. Why, why, why, why?? /
ARGGG!

I miss him terribly. I'm here becuase I'm taking some of the advices. I made the mistake of going to see his dating profile again. Why, why, why, why????/
ARGGG!!

It's "Temporary relief , to a terminal problem"


And what your doing is numbing the pain but prolonging the healing process .

What can I do? I've tried doing my work. I've tried watching a movie. I've tried going to bed, while listening to a soothing song... ARRRR

What can I do? I've tried doing my work. I've tried watching a movie. I've tried going to bed, while listening to a soothing song....ARRRR

You can start by doing what we told you at the start... NO CONTACT!!

Because the times you fall hard are when you break it right? ;)

Look it's not easy but unless your willing to put the work into sticking to NC and do the hard yards your going to be stuck where you are now for a lot longer.

Keep doing all of those things and more.

Be strong & patient. It takes time. We have all felt this way.

The sooner you stop obsessing over him & focus on you, the sooner you will see some light at the end of this tunnel.

Tunnel vision, you know?

Just keep up the NC & resist the urges.

You will laugh later and wonder why he was SOOOO important.

No contact. No contact. No contact

Yup, yup & yup...

Why do I miss him so? Why do I have to think of him everyday? I want to go back to before I meet him... when I was carefree... although I wouldn't learn the things I learned.

I just miss him so much! I want to hear his voice, see his smiling face, and feel his hugs. :(

I know I sound needy and desperate, but that's how I'm feeling at the moment.

"I want to go back to before I meet him.... when I was carefree....although I wouldn't learn the things I learned."

True that!! So do it.

There will be other hugs. Don't you worry.

I know there will be other hugs... I just want them from him. I really, really, really miss him. It gets really bad during the night when its quite and I think of him and only him.

What you want isn't happening.

Not everyone is meant to be together. So why dwell?

Sounds like realization hasn't truly set in.

I know exactly how you feel.

Time to let him go.

You are going to miss him. Maybe for a while. Just breathe right now and drink some hot chocolate and watch another good movie. Lay down in a cozy spot in your house. Make yourself comfortable. Cry if you have to in that cozy spot. Then close your eyes. Relax. Tomorrow do something fun. You have to write down short term goals to keep you distracted. The people here help me so much. I am very emotional and the people here take me serious and never leave me in the dirt even though I can seem like I don't listen. They lift me up at my worst and I am giving you advice that works. You have to keep doing it and stay away from anything that relates to him at all. That's part of taking care of yourself so that you can feel better soon. Tomorrow I will give my dog a haircut and go to school and then the gym. Set little goals for the week and do them. Please! I don't want anybody going through this. Now go relax and know that we are here for you! You can do this if I can. Sweet dreams!

I only thought of him 10 times today...

Try for 5 tomorrow.

Good, keep up the good work. It gets way easier, trust me... I only did it a few months ago. Now, I rarely think of her... and I have myself a lovely, beautiful, intelligent girlfriend who I wouldn't trade for the world.

Thank you for the support.
I'm just wondering though, all that said that it will be fine are in a relationship and is currently happy in the relationship...

Huh?

Thank you for the support.
I'm just wondering though, all that said that it will be fine are in a relationship and is currently happy in the relationship.....

That's because they went through their healing process and have moved on to bigger and better things... point is , it will get better it just takes time , and then you'll be able to move on to something new just like they have.

Your being impatient and need to learn to deal with the hurt , because it doesn't just go away. Then with time , very gradually you'll start to realise what we've been saying all along.

Stop thinking about him , try to keep yourself busy. I know how you feel I've been through it. Its very very hard, you cry everyday and wake up every morning thinking maybe today he will talk to me... there's always hope... but that's not how to live. Do something you like cook , go shopping , go for movies... cry if you need to but you need to be strong so let him lead his life . Slowly you'll think about him less and it won't hurt so much . If it was meant to be it will happen.

I only thought of him 10 times today.....

Your allowed to think of him... what you SHOULDN'T do is dwell on it and let the memories bring you down. Maybe every time you think of him, try and think of something not so nice about him right after. Don't make yourself hate him, but try and make yourself realize or come to an understanding that you will be better off without all this stress that he brings into your life. This will get better!

Update:
*note: I did not make contact.

1am in the morning, long story short, he text saying how he misses cuddling with me and wanted to make love but wasn't looking to be in a relationship. I texted him and thanked him for his honestly and that the past 3 months was the worst I've ever felt in my adult life and that I will always love him, and wished him the best and told him I need to continue my healing and that I will end contact. That is my last text.

I never thought that he would do this. The love is definitely gone. I'm more gun-ho about my healing process. I will get over this! I will be fine!

You certainly will. No more texts.

update:
*note: I did not make contact.

1am in the morning, long story short, he text saying how he misses cuddling with me and wanted to make love but wasn't looking to be in a relationship. !

See , he just wants to use you as his Booty call now , good on you for not falling for it.

Once you seriously go NC, after a while, you will start to feel empowered & in control. Regardless of his selfish attempts, if that ever even happens again.

And you won't even worry about it. It will just be your routine, you may even wake up one day & realize that you won't love him forever.

Because there will be no point.

update:
*note: I did not make contact.

1am in the morning, long story short, he text saying how he misses cuddling with me and wanted to make love but wasn't looking to be in a relationship.

Well, its normal to want that comfort of the familiar when you are feeling lousy... and wanting sex isn't in itself bad yknow... no its no great revelation that he's looking for and missing some intimate touch.

But you knew it wasn't a healthy step in the right direction.

I know you've struggled with wanting that attention and sometimes that's led you to actions you maybe regretted later. Glad you're doing the right thing for yourself.

I just feel really sad that he would be o.k. with sleeping with me and not want me in his life.

It is soooooo different from what he was showing me for the past 2 years. I'm just sad.

Stop.

It's a guys version of staying pals & getting action when he doesn't have something else lined up. Remember that text. "I wanna sleep w/you, but dont wanna be with you"

HA!! Is that what you want? Or care about now? Someone like that?
Screw that. Are you that way?

All you really need to think about is when someone treats & acts this way, wants you only for shags, doesn't want you, basically.

They don't deserve our time our thoughts.

I suggest you spend some time reading back through both of your threads a bunch of times.

Still seems like you have false hope.

Actions, remember. That means you too now. Figure out what makes you happy.

Doesn't sound like its him.

Hey, was just thinking about you & wanted to say that sitting idle & wallowing is the worst thing.

Doesn't do anything & makes us feel like crap.

Rise above the BS & take a look around. Inside first, though.

You can do it. Lots of people do.

Another horrible setback:

My ex. Texted back that he was sorry about the "booty text" and wasn't thinking when he wrote them and that he wanted to see me. Stupid me, I said I was available to meet the next day and he said he was busy all weekend. I wanted to meet and ask WHY he texted and really get clarity once and for all about this horrible phase of my life.

He keeps texting me and I wanted to talk (on the phone) because my phone takes forever to text and its kindda not an over the text topic. He says he is not against talking but he is at work (that was 3pm). I didn't make any contact the rest of the day. At around 2:30am, I woke up and couldn't get back to bed. Decided to check my phone, no missed called or text. I was done. I text and said that my answers were answered with the lack of response and that I was sad that I wasn't even worth a phone call to him anymore.

D@* it! Why do I keep letting this person do this to me! I now hate him and the way he is treating me.

Why do you?

Why indeed?
Can you finally let go of the false hope now?

Total NC and start the healing process.

You keep repeating the same things over & over.

You post, but don't really listen.

Its up to you, not him, us, or anyone.

Time to own up, show some strength & stop running back every time he "decides" to text you.

That's just pathetic.

You came here about false hope & you're still there.

Peek

You came here 6 weeks ago asking how to get over your false hope and move on , you've received lots of good advice from people giving their free time and trying to help you.

Your hearing the advise but your not listening , do you really want the pain to stop or are you happy to go for months on end in complete sadness??

Your call , we can only tell you what you have to do , you're the one that has to DO IT !!!

I understand what you are all are saying. And trust me, I AM trying. But you have to understand, this is my first love and lost. I'm having a hard time letting go. And that's me being honest.


I hate feeling weak and girlie. I want to be stronger than this!! This person is taking control of my rational mind. I know I have to be stronger, but I'm human.

I will make mistakes.

Had you been NC for 6 months, you would be ready for the second love... and lost(?).

Just saying.

Nice one. Still more excuses.

Yes, you are human. And humans change.

Quote: this person is taking control of my rational mind. Unquote.

Sorry ,I beg to differ,you are doing this to yourself,nobody else is.

You are allowing yourself to stay stuck,instead of making choices that will advance your healing from the breakup and start moving on.

Don't think that you really want to move on, peek.

Sounds deeper. Not just this guy. Maybe you're just an attention magnet.
And when you don't get it, you cry. Jumping into relationships for the wrong reasons. With jerks.

Maybe talk to a therapist. Doesn't sound like you really want to know how to heal or why this is happening.

"this is my first love"

Why do you say that? How old are you again? I get confused with the thread merging.

I guess you got to define what love means. Wasn't this obvously.

Its all about you deciding what works & what doesn't.

How aware you are.

It takes two. First you and what you want.

You can love all you want, just direct it.

Van- I'm 28. I'm angry that I can't make this work for me. I'm angry (at myself) that I don't have enough will power to leave this guy alone.

Anger is good. Use it to rise above. You're probably angry because you are losing the false hope. Good.

To stop being fixated on one thing. Crazy.

You will learn soon enough that this guy doesn't define you, nor should anyone.

Start gaining control over your life. The is just an episode.

Learn & rock it. Stop wallowing.

Unless you are one of those people that enjoys being miserable.

Van- I'm 28. I'm angry that I can't make this work for me. I'm angry (at myself) that I dont have enough will power to leave this guy alone.

Unfortunately until you do you'll be stuck in pain. How long are you willing to put up with that??

I'm not one to be miserable, but I do tend to over-think things. I'm working on that. I just feel that I made some progress and now I'm back to where I started. Hphgmf!

It takes time.

Work harder.

I'm going on casual dates, is that too soon?

As long as you don't rebound & use that to relieve the pain from the last one.

Would be a bad move.

Be aware. Take some time to heal & get your act together first.

Its good to have fun in the meantime, just as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process, by rushing in.

I just want to try to convince myself that there are others. I'm so tunnel visioned.

That's what Im saying.

Heal first. Then be more aware of who you are & what you have to offer.

And the kind of people who want in your life. Not just guys.

There a whole world out there.

Its very easy to wallow when we go through breakups. Its normal.
But nows a crucial time to REALLY start.

The more you work on healing, the more in control & empowered you will be.

A stronger person for everyone.

You will look back at this & chuckle to yourself. Knowing that you've moved closer to being a more together individual.

You can do it Peek. I know it. Just remove all BS, and look for the things that make you feel happy. Im sure you have some of those things already.

You've just lost sight of them because of this episode.

Thank you and good night

Of course there are,and will be others-but right now-heal and find your feet again.

Learn how to be happy in your own skin,on your own.

It hit me while driving home tonight. I had myself a cry. I miss him so much.

Cry now. Laugh right after.

Peek.

Stop fishing for sympathy. You aren't going to get it with me.

I reserve that for the real tragic people in this world.

We all experience those drive by a familiar place, or whatever sparks tears.
Past stuff in our heads. But so what? Its over.

You can boo-hoo, and wallow. Or rock it.
Up to you.

Hell, I break down at unexpected times over silly stuff, But, not because of my ex. I shed those tears already.

Start realizing that this is just a chapter.

And write your next one with this as a lesson learned.

Van,

My last post was not meant to "fish" for sympathy. I thought I could come here and express my challenges of getting over a really hard break-up.

I am actually upset with your last comment.

I tend to side with Van’s opinion. You want sympathy; you want someone to tell you the magic formula to put your past relationship all back together with chocolate sprinkles and a cherry.

It ain't going to happen. It's over, it’s done.

Hard to believe you spent the better part of a year living in this delusion and not even trying to get through this break up. I realize you hurt and I do feel sorry for you. When you're ready to move on I think you'll take your life a bit more seriously. Good luck, I wish you the best.

Really wan to text him right now.

Really wan to text him right now.

And when you get no reply you'll just feel worst right??

You know it's pointless peek , just think of something else to do when you have these moments. Believe me , you'll have fewer as time goes by , then you'll look back at this thread and realise what a silly idea it was.

Clean your closets instead, or bake a gourmet meal, put it in Tupperware and clean your kitchen.

Getting busy instead of dwelling on those feelings will help you until the feelings pass.

I texted him a few times. He always politely texts back. But you are right, when he does decide not to text me back, I will feel worst.

I know it must sound like a broken record, but I miss him so much.


Its 12 midnight where I am and I just want to fall asleep, so I don't have to think about him and want desperately to text him.

i texted him a few times. he always politely texts back. but you are right, when he does decide not to text me back, i will feel worst.

I know it must sound like a broken record, but I miss him soo much.

We hear a lot of Broken Records on here ;) You just have to realise that your wanting to contact him is normal , but by doing so your just prolonging the pain.

We've said it before and I'll say it again , it will get better , but you have to believe us and stay with No Contact , otherwise your just going to be coming back over and over and never get better.

It's up to you , you can either stay stuck , or want to get better.

You seem to do what you want regardless of any advice.

Ahhh peekachu..

I am in the same boat as you right now. I have prolonged my misery by breaking no contact on many occasions. I haven't even updated my own thread because I'm just ashamed of my actions the past week. So, take it from someone who feels the same way you do and has made the same mistakes even as recently as 8 hours ago... DONT DO IT.

Your ex politely texts back... so it kind of gives you a high feeling right? Your so happy just that he is showing any kind of attention, and you feel so good as your talking to him... is it anything like this for you so far? And than once the conversation or in your case "texts" are over, nothing has changed, nothing was accomplished, and you still feel like s**t counting the hours and days until you break NC again, rinse and repeat, and you feel worse every time. At some point you have to just realize that nothing is going to change... it's been how long? He knows how you feel, and just because he is "polite" enough or whatever you want to call it to respond to your texts, doesn't mean his feelings have changed. You have to stop, for your own sanity. 2 weeks ago, before I broke NC, I was doing great, things were looking up, had accomplished a fair bit, broke NC, and have been in a downward spiral ever since. But everyone who is trying to help you is right, NC works wonders, but you have to be strong on your part. Like the other posters said, keeping busy is the best thing to do, there is never an excuse. It is hard, and there will be times where you want to break it, but its time to start being proactive about this whole thing. When your about to text him, call a friend. Or write down what you would say and just keep it as a file on your computer or something and keep writing and writing. Go for a walk, treat yourself to a night out with the girls, do something! If you truly want to stop being miserable and get over this, than accept that its over, and yes, its going to hurt, and start taking measures to make it hurt less and less. It does work... just try it. Start with 7 days.

Yup.

Stop this sad habit. Pining over this guy.

Geez, c'mon already. Show some strength.

Kick this habit. The false love drug you keep swallowing for the wrong person.

Breaking NC causes you more pain,confusion and setbacks.

Once you feel strong enough to NOT do it,you'll get closure within,and you can start healing properly.