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My boyfriend always seems to be so turned on by me always saying how beautiful and sexy and smart I am... all these qualities that I don't think are far from the truth but I'm not conceited or anything.. but I'm 5'7 slender body and curves with a pretty big/fat rear end that he seems to "worship" however I feel like whenever he mentions how other women look they are always a little thicker than me... and fyi they are usually celebrity women he never really says that about normal girls.. I don't know if its because he doesn't want to upset me? Or he's not really looking at them as much as women in the spotlight. He say's I look so much better than them and turn him on so much more because I'm "his" and I'm real? I mean I really try hard to look star quality as far as my figure goes, my hair and the way I look overall. Am I trying top hard, do I need not try at all? Does it really make a difference or not? What does he (really) want?

What does he (really) want?

Ask him. Do NOT use the old one about "does this make me look ..." Ask him when you're wearing sweats.

I think he wants you. You need to stop questioning that. It is your own self esteem. Your issue here for some reason you do not think your good enough. Why is that do you think?

Men look at other women, celebrities or just ordinary women but the point is I am trying to make. Even if that is true. He is with you. Just because men comment about other women does not mean he to be with them.

He is with you. He wants you.

I guess when I was younger boys didn't really find me attractive. That stayed with me a bit. I have a unique look as I've been told many people think I'm very beautiful but also I want to be SEXY vixen like... it seems celebrities are like that... and is that what attracts them so. I don't really care if he looks at them I just would worry if he compares them to me like hmm wow that __ (some part of the females body) looks good I wish my girl had that... you know what I mean

He sounds very happy and fulfilled.
So I say,if it ain't broke don't try to fix it.
Sexy,in my opinion is self- confidence and knowing that real beauty comes from the person who dwells inside.I know that sounds trite but I have found that to be true.
Also less is more when it comes to sex appeal.Leaving something to the imagination is a turn on for men.

I see... I shall let that marinate in my head... So if I convey to him that I feel sexy he will think so too?

The way a person carries themselves has a big impact on how people will treat them!

If you believe that you're sexy, truly believe it, it will show in your actions and movement. Other people will believe it, too, even if they thought so in the first place!

But you know what? As long as you think you're sexy, hey! You win!

He already thinks your sexy.

I think you are comparing yourself to celebrity women too much. Your boyfriend seems to like you how you are.
You say that you are "beautiful and sexy and smart" yet you have an inferiority complex and want to be "star quality" for whatever that means.

Why are you insecure? All of this has to do with how you see yourself. If he tells you he finds you sexy, attractive and that you turn him on, then listen to him and take all of that as a compliment. Men don't speak in "code". We say what we mean... word for word. There is no need for interpretation.

So when he tells you those things, that is how he feels about you. So I wouldn't worry about not looking good enough for him.

Now for the looking at other women thing... we are guys. We will look. It's just how we are. If we are good guys worth keeping, we ALWAYS come home with the one we love and who we want to be with. PERIOD!

I'm a guy and I speak in code sometimes. It's a terrible habit, but I used to work in Intel and I learned to communicate in extremely subtle ways. Anyway, my last ex could have gained 30 pounds and I would have loved her just as much, although 31 and I would have invited her on a few runs :). Everyone is insecure about something or another (if you aren't, I think you should be committed). This is your demon, your looks. You will probably struggle with this for life. Keyword being struggle. Instead of focusing on your perceived weaknesses, try thinking about your attributes and for the love of god, don't compare yourself to anyone, ever. It's the unique combination of you he is attracted to. Maybe if you really thought you were hot stuff, you'd be impossible for him to be around.

My boyfriend always seems to be so turned on by me always saying how beautiful and sexy and smart i am...I see...i shall let that marinate in my head...So if i convey to him that i feel sexy he will think so too?
Did you read what you wrote? He already does. You don't.

You'll drive yourself nuts and him out of the relationship if you never believe a word he says. You think too much.

Many people who have already read and responded to most of my threads have given me very helpful advice and believe it or not catalyzed my relationships progress to rebuilding the trust, communication, comfort. Etc However I am only 19 and I'm so committed and very much in love with my boyfriend, and he feels the same way. Due to the significant amount of relationships that do not last however because of long distance and the deficient maturity, my parents and I'm sure most people would say I'm settling to young or I should go and test the waters. But the point of dating is to find the qualities/attributes you would favor in a lifelong partner; I've done a little dating, I've had a fair share of experiences with members of the opposite sex, I've made a few mistakes in the whole dating arena but I feel like everything I ever wanted down to just the way he makes me laugh, is pretty much perfect. I say pretty much because No ONE is perfect. I accept that he has flaws but all the good far outweighs the bad its unbelieveable. He's pretty much had the same experiences as I , in regard to girls and dating , making mistakes. SO he's learned the major ones, as have I. We know what needs to be dealt with if we have a problem, and we aim to fix it as soon as possible. There have been many issues the past couple of months between us, now things are looking a lot brighter than they ever been, I know and truly know he loves me and I him. My only question is its only been a yr with him, and seven months almost eight apart(long distance) stuff, I feel like I'm ready to marry him if he would just pop the question which he said he already considers me his wife, because at on point we were living together. He said he would marry me once he's right out of school because he wants to be able to support and provide for me like a husband should, and that's fine I can't wait. The question is will love wait? Or more specifically do you think well be able to make it for another 2-3yrs with the same desire and love for each other? I've heard of people getting married really young--some last and some don't but I wonder if my relationship has what it takes to last?

What do you think is a good age to get married? WHat is the age contingent upon?

In your State, Province, or Parish, there is an age at which you are allowed to enter into contracts, own property, or get married. In English it is termed the "Age of Majority." The lawmakers have decided that you know enough by that age to be responsible for your own life.

If you rush to marriage because you are afraid of losing each other, your marriage is based on fear. If you wait until he's done with school, and find that love has left the two of you, chances are that would have happened even if you had gotten married. If you wait, nourish the relationship for as long as it takes, and get married when both of you are ready, you will have made your marriage out of your combined commitment. You decide if your relationship has what it takes to last.

It might seem that things just happen, but you make more than you realize through your day to day decisions.

Tao

To find a person who will love you for no reason,
and to shower that person with reasons, that is
the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault (1938- )

If your guys' love doesn't wait then it's obvious that your marriage wasn't meant to be. If you both can't make it another 2-3 years with the same desire then there would be no way you both could make a whole lifetime. I'm not sure if anybody really knows if your relationship will last, things change and sometimes we can't predict things like that.

The legal age in your respective region.

Even if you guys have dated for 4-5 years, you are still teenagers and have much growing up to do. You might feel mature today, but there's so much ahead of you that other events in the future may change your personalities.

In the meantime, just continue to have fun with each other. Enjoy the time that you spend together. If your heart feels happy, then continue the relationship and remain faithful to each other. You should also continue to live your life and let him live his. Continue to grow together and if things work out, it will be great.

Just keep in mind that plans may not always turn out the way we want. Unexpected things can happen.

21 is normally a good age to get married, and/ or shortly after college or at least one of you has a sound secure job able to pay all the bills of daily living. *** not paying bills living with another person.

As for the first question, I know people in their late thirties that aren't ready to get married. Age doesn't play as big of a factor as your maturity.

19 is too young, In my opinion, to get married.

I got married at 23, still too young (although you couldn't have told me that then).

I think until you are 25-27 you aren't really ready for the responsibility of marriage, no matter how much you believe that you are. But only you can look back and regret, as you change over the next ten years.

Wondering who you are going to elope with, your boyfriend or your girlfriend?

Wondering who you are going to elope with, your boyfriend or your girlfriend?

I would imagine when you aren't even sure about your sexuality, it is difficult to be sure of your lifelong partner.

Good point, Scott.

Im like more than 100% positive I want to marry him. Its just I've been pressing about it, he says he wants to as much as I he just wants to be secure and independent and not rush.. which makes sense I guess.. I mean if he really doesn't I rather he tell me before the day we exchange vows...

I would imagine that he is show way more maturity then you are at this time. Which tells me he maybe more prepared for marriage for simply knowing that he is not.

You have not read any responses because you just want to pressure him that it's OK, which is a huge mistake. You aren't ready for marriage and not knowing that, proves it.

From someone who married too young, the wedding was $40 at the courthouse, the divorce has now been over $30,000.00 at the courthouse.

There is NOT a rush on a quality relationship, you will always be there for each other.
There is only a rush if you want to try to ensure that you will always be there for each other.

You guys are right in many ways... but I feel as if we've already been through enough issues in the past couple of months... and we have grown stronger together and as individuals because of them ( in some ways). I just feel like I've given so much of myself to him, and he's in the same situation. He wrote me an extensive note three pages long about how much he's sorry for everything, how much he loves me and will never leave nor give up on me. And he wants to make me happy and do anything for me otherwise he won't be satisfied or fulfilling his duty. I trust in his genuine interest and care for me. Fortunately, since he wrote that, we have found comfort and peace and more love than before, and despite the troubles that have arisen, I know now how much we mean to each other. I have done everything in my power to support him and make him happy though. I know I don't want anyone else, Ive seen a mural of men, and thank God for my boyfriend; he has shown me the man of my dreams. I guess that's why I want to officialize us and maybe also for the sake of my parents so I can show them I love him and we can take care of each other and marriage does not hinder you from making the life you intended from yourself. The only thing is I really want to explore the world, a little sooner than later, I was considering going into the Peace Corps. But he doesn't like that idea because it would have us apart for 2 or more yrs. I know this and I wouldn't let anything happen on my end, but if he loves me so much and wants to be with me, why wouldn't he accept me wanting to go to another country and do some volunteering, and grow a little?

You two are still young and it's not easy to have a long distance relationship. Furthermore, you might feel as though you really love each other, but he is still very insecure about your relationship.

You're right, you should go volunteer if that's what you want and he should be able to respect that. Nor matter how many times you say "I love you" to each other, both of you still have a lot of growing to do and a lot of work before you have a stable relationship.

Just keep talking to him. Keep in open communication with your boyfriend. You have to show him how much you want to go and eventually he will realize and respect your wishes. You just need to establish a more stable relationship with a strong communication system.

You guys are right in many ways...but i feel as if we've already been through enough issues in the past couple of months...and we have grown stronger together and as individuals because of them ( in some ways). I just feel like ive given so much of myself to him, and he's in the same situation. He wrote me an extensive note three pages long about how much he's sorry for everything, how much he loves me and will never leave nor give up on me. And he wants to make me happy and do anything for me otherwise he wont be satisfied or fulfilling his duty. I trust in his genuine interest and care for me. Fortunately, since he wrote that, we have found comfort and peace and more love than before, and despite the troubles that have arisen, I know now how much we mean to each other. I have done everything in my power to support him and make him happy though. I know i dont want anyone else, Ive seen a mural of men, and thank God for my boyfriend; he has shown me the man of my dreams. I guess thats why i want to officialize us and maybe also for the sake of my parents so i can show them I love him and we can take care of each other and marriage does not hinder you from making the life you intended from yourself. The only thing is I really want to explore the world, a little sooner than later, i was considering going into the Peace Corps. but he doesnt like that idea because it would have us apart for 2 or more yrs. I know this and i wouldnt let anything happen on my end, but if he loves me so much and wants to be with me, why wouldnt he accept me wanting to go to another country and do some volunteering, and grow a little?

Hmmm. I'm getting some mixed signals here. If you are willing, a little data gathering is in order.

Specifically, what issues have you been through in the past couple of months? For what is he sorry? What troubles have arisen that you refer to? Fill us in.

Also, you seemed eager to seal the deal in your earlier post, anxious about your love surviving 2-3 years of school. Now, you want to explore, to grow, to see some of the world. Nothing wrong with that, but why is his reluctance to be away from you for so long raising questions in your mind? After all, the Peace Corps means being out of the country, out of physical contact.

It is worth thinking this through.

Tao

21 is normally a good age to get married, and/ or shortly after college or at least one of you has a sound secure job able to pay all the bills of daily living. *** not paying bills living with another person.

21 is WAY too young to get married, in my opinion. 21 year olds still have no idea how the world works. Life is very different at 21 than it is at 30. 30 is a good age.

Justwantfair agrees: I definitely agree, 30 is a great age. The OP thinks she is ready and she is 19.

I KNEW I was ready at 20. Absolutely sure of it. Turns out I was ready for divorce at 22. But when I got remarried at 23, I was totally right. Then I turned 24 and it turns out young people are stupid. Im now 37. Im ready to get married again. So I am.

okay well he cheated on me, I became obsessively paranoid about his behaviors interactions, our communication pattern etc. I was basically questioning everything. Even from his intentions to dress a certain way and why he would talk to all these girls from his high school esp if were in college? All of this has died down significantly. I guess now that I am so much more secure in our relationship and I trust that he wouldn't "give up one me" I feel like I can focus more on what I want you know. I don't want to seem selfish but the past couple of months has been bickering and me being upset crying, almost to the point where I was going to destroy my house. =( But, I guess my conscious self wasn't ready to calm down yet because I knew there was something that he was hiding or not telling me ( the cheating). After that I threatened to break-up with him because I was disgusted and repulsed and I told him I didn't want him touching me anymore basically telling him he was . Im not as much in the denial and anger and blaming stage as I was a few weeks ago. Perhaps its because I found out the girl he cheated on me with (who was also his best friend of 2yrs) was impregnated by her boyfriend and so she tried to commit suicide... This may sound sinister, but I had no sympathy and in fact I laughed at my boyfriend saying that he cheated with a pregnant girl. It disgusts him more than I can say because I'm not him but I can hear it in his voice where as I just think its funny. Weird? Anyway... I don't know what the difference is if I want to go to the peace corp I mean I can bring my computer with me right and skype is good? Ive seen people who do that. It's the same situation I'm just farther away. We've been apart for 8 months and call each other daily. If that doesn't work out I can write him I think if he's as devoted to me as he says he is, he would give it more thought. I also heard that while your active in it, you can have loved ones/family to visit for a few days as your vacation...

So what happened if I may as. What's the difference between now and then? IS it the financial responsibilities? The commitment troubles? Not sure what you wanted in a woman?

Ive been told by few people that due to my youth and hormones, my libido is extremely high and I'll want to have sex so much more often now than when I'm older. (Makes sense) However, is it possible to determine whether the relationship is too sexual? How do you know if its balanced considering the high interest on both ends?

So what happened if i may as. What's the difference between now and then? IS it the financial responsibilities? the committment troubles? Not sure what you wanted in a woman?

Mostly I know now how the world works and what it means to be committed to someone else.

It seem so vaque when you all say how the wold works? What do u mean?

Wondering why you didn't answer my question in post #7?

You get into a relationship based on love.
Also you don't jump into bed with a guy until you know there is LOVE.
Love isn't something that happens over night you have to cultivate it.
Even if you have love at first sight the sooner you jump into bed with them the more hazy the lines are going to be.

Also you might be interested in reading these
Hug the Monkey: Oxytocin: The Book (http://www.hugthemonkey.com/2006/10/love_chemistry__1.html)

Oxytocin - Why Love Matters - Associated Content (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1501337/oxytocin_why_love_matters.html?cat=9)

The studies on oxytocin are saying that the more partners you have the more desensitized you become. I believe that is why so many teenagers and young adults come here asking why does he ignore me and why does he care more about porn and/or video games than having sex.

OK well. I don't really have problems like that where they severely affect me. One of them was more so my insecurities and him not recognizing it. Its not that he cared more or was ignoring me. He was just being a guy I suppose (slightly oblivious) And the first time we had sex was basically two months into our relationship. It was mostly me I think who really wanted to have sex; I knew he loved me to some extent but love grows over time so its no where near as much as he loves me now. Regardless, I know the intensity of our love is mutual. Its just every time I think about him (if I'm in a good mood) I get like "sex tingles" and every time he says he's talking to me (when he's in a good mood) he gets hard. Also if we're talking about something that may be suggesting sex.

Oh yeah, sorry the young man I wish to marry is in fact my boyfriend

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After reading through ALL your posts, I hope you wait until you're a lot more comfortable with yourself, and spent a lot of time with your boyfriend, after that long distance stuff is finally over with.

Your still finding out about yourself at this point in your life, and that's okay. But not rushing into a marriage because you miss someone. I know you think you've grown, and are ready, but you have much to learn about yourself, him, and life.

Take your time to do your own thing without him, now while you can, and enjoy getting to know yourself, so you will be a lot better prepared as an independent woman, and not a curious inexperienced teen-ager.

You have many questions to answer for yourself, and that my dear will take time. There is no rush, so get your answers, and learn, before you jump into something you know nothing about.

Probably the easiest way to tell would be to ask yourself if you would want to marry this person. If the answer is no, then you know that your relationship is based solely on sex.

Sex fades, love grows.

It seem so vaque when you all say how the wold works? what do u mean?

I understand more what is important in life and the fact that responsibilities come before most anything else. I know what loyalty means and I know that important things cannot be neglected.

At 21 the world is fresh and new and you haven really lived yet.

So what happened if i may as. What's the difference between now and then? IS it the financial responsibilities? the committment troubles? Not sure what you wanted in a woman?

You are questions your attraction to females, this is your first relationship, we were all naïve.

Life teaches you things that you have to experience, it's not something that we can tell you and you will understand. You have a lot of growing and maturing to do, no matter how mature you think you are now.

Believe me, we all look back and think of how much we have learned since back when we knew it all.

Your relationship is sex based if that's all you do when you are with this person. If both parties are OK with it, then that's what would define your type of relationship. If you want a balanced relationship, there should be other compatibilities than just in the sack.

Well I would think that if you are contemplating whether your relationship is based on sex, you would not be contemplating marriage and if you are old enough and mature enough to marry.

oh yeah, sorry the young man i wish to marry is in fact my boyfriend

And what about your lesbian tendencies?

I think that a couple of years in the peace corp would make you grow, deepen you, and show you more of the world. Your relationship will take its natural course. There's no need for any worry.

Tao

Ive been told by few people that due to my youth and hormones, my libido is extremely high and I'll want to have sex so much more often now than when im older. (Makes sense) However, is it possible to determine whether or not the realtionship is too sexual? How do you know if its balanced considering the high interest on both ends?

It is too sexual if you can't sit down because you are sore. Otherwise, nobody can tell you how much sex is appropriate for you. It is based on sex (which, by itself, sustains no relationships) when that's all you've got. But it is balanced when you have other things that you share as passionately as sex, albeit differently. It's a keeper when you feel growing respect for each other over time. And it's real love when you put the other first.

Tao

An example of a sex based relationship is an affair,that's all the two want is sex.

an example of a sex based relationship is an affair,thats all the two want is sex.

At 19 (her age) most all relationships are sex-based. I have never been in a relationship when it wasn't all about sex when you first start having it.

How do you feel about your relationship? Do you feel it is only sex based? Only you can know within yourself what type of relationship you are having and if it is working for you. Only you can judge what it is and what it isn't. Love and sex are two seperate things and you can have one without the other so what is your heart telling you?

Haha I've never actually done anything with a girl, not sure I'd be comfortable enough... but if you followed the thread concerning that then you would be well aware that I am not actually lesbian just a woman who appreciates beauty and sesuality. But I could never be in love with a woman

Well I mean my philosophy regarding sex in a relationship is basically to each its own. If your both just as much into the sexual part of it as you are into the rest of it then I mean I guess its okay. I can understand that guys are always going to want to have sex. But often times I feel like a guy, as I always want it. Well not always but probably 90% of the time he wants it. I mean we do invest a lot into the relationship in general; we laugh, we dispute, we cry we reason with each other but at the end of each we seem to always want to have sex. Is it maybe like we want the emotional closure to be secured in physical intimacy? Does anybody feel this way? Or has anyone felt this before?

haha ive never actually done anything with a girl, not sure i'd be comfortable enough...but if you followed the thread concerning that then you would be well aware that i am not actually lesbian just a woman who appreciates beauty and sesuality. But i could never be in love with a woman

I didn't say you were a lesbian, just that you had lesbian tendencies. As never actually having done anything this quote sure makes it seem like you have:


so im trying to explore my tastes and dislikes as far a sex goes so i can be comfortable with myself because the other day i was with my friend and she stuck a finger inside, it felt okay but wasnt amazing i keep trying to do it to myself but its a no go. I feel ambarrassed when i do it to her she really likes it. what is wrong with me? am i not doing it right? isnt it supposed to feel really good?

My main point here is that we don't like people using multiple logins to play with different persona. That is often grounds for banishment.

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Either there are two people on your computer, or your playing a game.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/usercp.php
I think given your age (19) and the long distance nature of your relationship, and the history of cheating, you may feel that its all about sex, given your belief that he is to into porn. And maybe your exploring your attraction to females, there may be a confusion as how to define and relate to this relationship. I know you are just finding out about yourself, and that maybe at the heart of the matter.

I believe your on a journey of self discovery now, and until that journey is ended, and you have answers that you understand, you will have a problem with defining yourself, and what you want in this relationship. Sex is usually great in the beginning, but many things can happen with the couple as to how they relate to each other, and over time any changes in the sexual relationship can cause problems later, unless they work together to find solutions to those problems.

It seems that where you are now, trying to figure out how to deal with the things your feeling and figure out what they mean to you, and how you will deal with them, both as an individual, and as a couple.

Long story short, you, and your boyfriend, need to take the time to communicate on many different levels, not just about sex, but other issues between you, and work to resolve them, or not only will the sex suffer, but the relationship will too.

For sure, making decisions based mostly on sex, at this time will surely lead you astray as sex between a couple changes just because to many things in life will get in the way, such as work, or children, and adjustments will have to be made ,and unless you both are willing to meet those challenges through honest communications, and define the changes to be made, it usually ends in chaos, and conflict, and that destroys even the best relationships.

The bottom line is knowing yourself very well, and honestly I don't think you do yet. You will though, but later, as you grow, and develop, as an individual.

... I don't know what the difference is if i want to go to the peace corp i mean I can bring my computer with me right and skype is good? Ive seen people who do that. It's the same situation I'm just farther away. We've been apart for 8 months and call each other daily. If that doesn't work out I can write him I think if he's as devoted to me as he says he is, he would give it more thought. I also heard that while you're active in it, you can have loved ones/family to visit for a few days as your vacation...
Your already in a long distance relationship, and seem quite happy for it to continue. He feels differently, and that my dear is the issue to be resolved by you both. Personally, you should take the time to pursue your own interests, as he has had a chance to, for your own future, with or without him. For sure this is a test of how you relate, and deal with your issues together. What do you want more? Him and his way of doing it, or yours and your chance to grow??

At 19 (her age) most all relationships are sex-based. I have never been in a relationship when it wasn't all about sex when you first start having it.

That just blows me away. I'm the exact opposite I put a lot more in front of a relationship than sex

Uhhhh... what is that? What does that post have to do with me?

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4653837Either)

Either there are two people on your computer, or your playing a game.

The computer I use is the family computer... im not quite sure what you are trying to validate...

The computer I use is the family computer..


If its not you, then sorry for the confusion, as we take trolls, and deceivers seriously.

The computer i use is the family computer...im not quite sure what you are trying to validate...

So you are asking us to believe that someone else in your family, the same age as you, was posting those other notes and you were completely unaware of it?

I agree Zippit, I have always went into relationships with my heart, not my little head. If I can't have a conversation with them, I'm not dating them, and surely not sleeping with them.

My thought about this is simple, if you can go all day thinking about the person you are with, without wondering "are we going to have sex tonight" then the relationship means more than just sex

No. That is not the case. Im the only 19 yr old in this family. I have three sisters, a mother and father...

But I definitely younger gus will think about it. Now I'm not a guy, so I don't think about it everyday. But usually the week before my monthly visit when my hormones are peaking, I will think about it everyday for a couple of days. Otherwise, I usually just think about the sensual feelings invoked from being with him. That's OK right?

And how old are your sister? Or which one is using the other ID?

It's actually quite simple... if thereis love... u just know it!
If it's sex based... then all u do is have sex, u don't really communicate! U don't really have a relationship! It's normal to have sex a lot in the beginning! The both of u get real turned on by each other because it's all so new! If u have experienced love, u shouldn't even ask this question! It's like what has been said before, can u picture yourself with this guy the rest of your life? Will he be there for u through thick and thin?

To find out if it's just a "sex only" relationship, for the next several dates , try to NOT have sex. Just see if you enjoy spending time with each other. If you can't stand him... well, maybe it is just sexual. I know at your age it's going to be hard, but just talk, get to know each other better.
Good luck to you two.

What? You think she's using my ID?

What? you think she's using my ID?

No, I KNOW she's using the same computer. I have only your statement that it's a different person.

HAHa... well the thing is we do go without it when my cycle comes around and what not also if we are at his house as we don't want to disrespect his parents. Its not a big deal--its just makes us more horny. I know I love him and its reciprocated.. its just I feel like I'm having an abnormally high amount of sex... because I always want to.

Hmm.. I shall inquire.

So for years I've heard the same story. Men are programmed to just have a wondering eye. Ok, fine I guess we have to deal. But does it aways have to come to the point to where they end up randomly thinking(even for just a second or two) that they want to have sex with other women. I mean I, as a woman could very very take the scientific approach and say infedelity is too hardwired into our minds as men cannot usually be both great nuturers/lovers who are sensitive and understanding AND great for reproduction purposes as far as promoting successful childbearing with healthy genes (meaning they are hot). What should a guy do? I mean I'm strong enough to not thinking about wanting to have a baby with some other man, even though that's my biological purpose?

My boyfriend/fiancee once cheated on me with his other best friend which he takes full repsonsibiltity of now altering the meaning and significance of, but he has another female best friend who he said he never loved like the other and so on. I only just found out about the affair in June (which occurred in april). He also said in July that he would tone down his relationshhip with this friend; this only lasted about three weeks. Last week he saw her like three times and its really unnerving because I keep trying to tell him that I'm just not comfortable with it yet.. I know that I need more time. He thinks the concept of more time means make me comfortable with it at the moment by proving to me he's trustworthy. I don't know how many times I've told him I'm just not ready for it and its too soon. He deosnt seem to grasp my words. What should I do. What should I tell him?

He is disregarding your feelings and you know he really can't be trusted.
By him altering the meaning and significance shows he does not take what he did seriously and is in denial so the best thing you can do since he is pressuring you is tell him yoy have had enough. From your saying he thinks more time meant make you comfortable with it at the moment is what a guy like this will do to patch things up but patched isn't the same as fixed.
He is most likely playing word games so that in his mind he can't understand you therefore he feels he can keep getting away with it

You just have to look for one that seems more like the faithful type. When I see guys looking at girls I can generally tell if they are just looking or lusting or if they have it in them to cheat.

Sorry ladies, but don't try to get to deep into why we look, heck we don't even know why we look, (okay, it looks good to us) but to link that to cheating, or morality, and freak out about it, just ain't worth the time.

Please be fair, and judge us by what we do, not what we look at, as we will look at anything, cars, girls, whatever. Accept it, and carry on. Its not that hard.:)

Artlady agrees: Oh you are such a sweetheart sticking up for all mankind:) I agree but its what you do after you look that matters!Everry attraction does not have to end in copulation.Its a lick I wrote for my wrapper son.

If you spit that it sounds better ,really :)

Hes a wrapper ,he wraps gifts!
I meant RAPPER >down :)
I have less pain today and it's a good thing!

How did it go?

Every attraction does not have to end in copulation.
We already got over population
Yet without hesitation
Your going to create another welafare situation
Over your infatuation


**I Lust for Your Bust
**BY: Generation Hoosurdaddy

How did it go?

Everry attraction does not have to end in copulation.
We already got over population
yet without hesitation
your going to create another welafare situation
over your infatuation

Can't love you (rep) but I do and that's GOOD
Im crackin up ! I love it! Ha ha ha :p

Women look too.

There's not one guy out there that doesn't look- gay or straight. They may hide it well but I'm sure they all look at an attractive girl [or man] a time or two.

I'd like to think of it this way. Us women, we may not ogle at men as much as men ogle at females, however we do ogle at things such as; shoes, coats, jewelery--- you get the picture.
We may not be able to afford it but we sure do love to window shop ;)


Just my opinion...

Sarah

mudweiser agrees: Damn. I really needed a wrapper this Christmas.

'N here I thought she meant a BUBBLE GUM Wrapper!

mudweiser agrees: Damn. I really needed a wrapper this Christmas.

'N here I thought she meant a BUBBLE GUM Wrapper!

I know ,My son would disown me by calling him a Wrapper.
I can't stop laughing. Thanks!

I have tears you guys :) Thanks!

Deleted for chat/text

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-chat-speak-no-text-talk-303157.html

if next time he do so,adore other men before him.and c how he reacts?if he is furious,tell him how u feel when he do d same.
If he not furious ,he is seriously lukng for smeone else

I wouldn't say that his lack of being furious shows anything in particular.
It could mean anything if he doesn't get upset about it. It could mean simply that he is secure in the relationship or a number of other things

if next time he do so,adore other men before him.and c how he reacts?if he is furious,tell him how u feel when he do d same.
If he not furious ,he is seriously lukng for smeone else

Are you in a relationship? Have you ever been in a relationship?

This type of behavior will sour a relationship and could also terminate it.

This is awful advice. Trying to "get back" or even it out with your partner is damaging.

In a relationship you should be able to communicate with your partner- if you can't do that then you shouldn't be in the relationship at all.

Communicate, don't try silly little mind games.


Sarah

Noboby is judging you.

You realize your posts were deleted for your not using proper English?

Tit for tat will not work in a relationship. There was a study recently done, expressing this, instead of your ideology working in your favor as you presume it would, it actually makes for a more hostile environment.

I am a female and I can say I look at others guys. I am only human and after all I do have eyes. I look but don't touch.

I don't *LOOK* but I did run across this in Yahoo images for all you girls that want equal rights.

I decided to make him my AMHD genie.

I don't *LOOK* but I did run across this in yahoo images for all you girls that want equal rights.

I decided to make him my AMHD genie.
No but seriously,"men's roving eyes" actually is an issue that keeps cropping up in many a relationship and there was a scenario I know of where the woman just couldn't deal with it and she broke up with her long-time boyfriend.

Just as a matter of curiosity,is there actually any solution?Would I be taking it too far when I say that roving eyes is linked with roving minds,loss of interest,abnormal sexual fantasising etc etc? How serious can it become from a man's perspective?Can it lead him to stray enough to jeopardise his relationship?

Its like any other behavior in human kind. If it crosses the line of good behavior, then something has to be done about it.

I believe roving eyes are indeed a roving mind. Not good.

What about a roving mind? I think most humans have a capacity for lust. Its what they do about it, is that's right, or wrong.

Women do the same thing! I've had both single and attached women eye me up when I'm out on the town.

Don't act like you all are saints! :p

OK, if thoughts are bad, then I guess every dream/fantasy we have about sexy Hollywood actors/actresses dooms us to fail in a relationship... no! Thoughts are one thing, it's when they manifest into actions that determine whether they are right and wrong.

Difference between sanity and insanity is the controlling of actions according to one's thoughts. I am sure most of the population is insane according to their thoughts, but it is the actions that determine how they are perceived.

I know for a fact that my man looks at other women no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I myself would take a peek at good-looking man. As humans we are just attracted to beautiful things, its in our make-up. If he had eyes for you then he definitely will have eyes for other women. Admiring a pretty thing from a distance is one thing. Having sexual, lusty thoughts are another.

Look all you want, when you fixate on them and start touching them, then the problem starts.

HAHa.. wow guys. I appreciate all you wonderful insight.. even some that didn't pertain to the question. However, the woman who said that we do oogle beautiful things like shoes and clothes opened my eyes the most. You are right. But what is it in the harmless looking that leads them to wanting to touch/ or fixate on them. And for those of you who said it's the action or behavior that is subject to criticism and not the thought itself... are you then saying you are okay about your spouses thinking about sleeping with someone else.. or thinking about leaving you.. thinking about having sex with someone else while you two are..? When does the thought become "bad" enough or inappropriate enough to really be addressed.

You are right. But what is it in the harmless looking that leads them to wanting to touch/ or fixate on them.

*Men are visual meaning that unless they have good self control their looking can easily turn into more. The more they dwell on the look the more fixated and the more fixated the more likely they will act on their thoughts

And for those of you who said it's the action or behavior that is subject to criticism and not the thought itself... are you then saying you are okay about your spouses thinking about sleeping with someone else.. or thinking about leaving you.. thinking about having sex with someone else while you two are..?

*No the point they were making is DO NOT cross the line

When does the thought become "bad" enough or inappropriate enough to really be addressed,

*You and your significant other should be secure enough with each other and be able to discuss what the other feels comfortable with and what they do not feel comfortable with.

Once you start thinking about leaving your spouse, that's a line being crossed.

When you think about someone else while you two are engaging in sex, then that's a line being crossed.

You two have to address boundary lines together, rather than just one having a boundary line, and the other also having a different boundary line.

j_ely, HAHa.. wow guys. I appreciate all you wonderful insight.. even some that didn't pertain to the question. However, the woman who said that we do ogle beautiful things like shoes and clothes opened my eyes the most. You are right. But what is it in the harmless looking that leads them to wanting to touch/ or fixate on them.

They are called cheaters, who act on those thoughts of being with others. That crosses the line.

And for those of you who said it's the action or behavior that is subject to criticism and not the thought itself... are you then saying you are okay about your spouses thinking about sleeping with someone else..or thinking about leaving you..thinking about having sex with someone else while you two are..??
That's called fantasies, and that everyone's right to think about.

When does the thought become "bad" enough or inappropriate enough to really be addressed
The line is crossed when thought become reality, and leads to bad behavior. Like being mad enough to smash some one in the face, and then doing it, because you thought about it. Same thing.

It's a waste of time trying to read someone's mind, and even understand their fantasies, and fancies. You can only judge them by what they do, so it does no good to set boundaries on another imagination.

I deal with what my wife does in reality, and frankly don't worry about who she thinks about in her fantasies, as they are hers, and yes, I have my own. Its all good, because I don't worry that she will run off with a star quarterback, or the mailman.

Without trust, and confidence, your mind will play tricks on you.

Only if thoughts become reality do they cross the line. If you are so insecure about yourself and your relationship with your GF/BF that you worry about if they are having fantasies about another person and that they are going to act on them and leave you, then maybe you need to step back and evaluate how things are going in your life.

talaniman:
It's a waste of time trying to read someone's mind, and even understand their fantasies, and fancies. You can only judge them by what they do, so it does no good to set boundaries on another imagination.

100% truth right there. That quote extinguishes the "thoughts are bad" argument.

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile, and just like many other couples, we have our quarrels and what not. We tend to resolve them fairly quickly, and we recognize our faults and what causes a lot of our conflicts. But often, I'll ask him a question regarding something I may or may not be sensitive about; he'll lash out first, make some noise like he's extremely frustrated and then say its my insecurities, I need to control my thoughts, etc. Although some of it may be true, I know for a fact my questions are not provocative. For example, tonight he told me that sometimes when we have sex in the missionary position his "stuff" gets soft. Well, before this he had actually told me it brings about a different reaction. Naturally I was confused and asked him why. He then stated, he didn't know, maybe because he's not being visually stimulated. So then, remembering that he used to look at a lot of porn, I asked him if that's why, not being antagonistic or anything and he was like no. And he was criticizing me thereafter, saying I was being to insecure. Yes, I was a little concerned about what he said especially because it didn't coincide with his previous answer, but I wasn't like angrily interrogating him. The reason why I was concerned it because that's the position we will "make love" and this is a very important part of our sexual intimacy I think, as it is with other serious couples. If he's not aroused by just our making love, then I believe I have cause for concern. WHat do you think I should say or do. Remember that he seems to lash out about most questions he thinks are directly linked to some insecurity about myself... Idk I would like it if he acted more like my boyfriend and not Dr. phil

So interesting. Maybe he just doesn't like too many questions and feels that the questions seem to stem from how you feel about yourself. A little over analyzing can be exhausting for both. I think that if you have a health balance in your sexual relationship there isn't too much to cause concern. I also think it normal to be a little extra "stimulated" by the freakier things men and women can share behind closed doors. Not to say that he prefers that, but it may suit his personality or desires. Which doesn't take anything away from you. Maybe spend some time talking rather than asking.

Making love the same way all the time can get to be a little boring.

Changing positions is a great way to spice things up.

Doing it in a different position does not undermine the aspect of lovemaking.It is still making love.
The intimacy of the act is no different if you are missionary or if you are on top.

You have nothing to worry about if your BF wants to spice things up a little.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship and its takes work to keep it exciting.

The honeymoon does not last forever and sometimes you need to be a little creative.Sex is sometimes just down and dirty ,lets get it on.It can also be just for fun there is nothing wrong with sharing some laughs in the bedroom!

It need not always be romantic slow lovemaking.

You need to have realistic expectations about what you both want and need in the relationship.

If you do have insecurities,ask yourself where they come from.What is it exactly that you fear.

He also needs to understand that he may be overplaying the insecurity card.

Learn how to be effective communicators and you will be able to avoid many petty arguments.

Remember that some things are just not worth getting into a big discussion about.Don't sweat the little stuff and agree to disagree.

Ok. I would say that I agree, with the needing to spice things up, but we've only made love that way like twice out of many times. I like another position too; and honest to goodness truth, I like it fast because when he goes fast I can feel it deeper. When its slower, its okay I guess. Perhaps we just have to compromise on that particular issue. But I wasn't so much concerned with the sex part as much as the way he was treating my about my asking.

My insecurities come from him saying things, earlier in the relationship, (sometimes he'll slip up every now and again, I think I'm forcing him to grow up too soon), and then he said something that kind of provoked me to cheat on him which I think led him to be able to cheat on me a few months later. Anyway he's well aware of the pain he has cause me and the he has put me through. And I only found out about 4 months ago he cheated, it devastated me from the inside out. So my question is why is he being such a jerk about me asking questions about things that he caused me to be insecure about. And its not like I ask him every day. Some questions I will rule out as unnecessary and I won't ask them. I just don't think every time I ask something and he says "insecurities" he's really considering the question. Its insensitive and annoying. This is the real problem. Whenever he's insecure about something and he brings it to my attention, I comfort him, with loving and kind words, and don't mock him or make him feel like he needs to grow up, handle himself, etc. I know Im not perfect, and I'm working on my healing process, because its more than cheating he's done to hurt me. Im trying and he doesn't acknowledge it or he thinks its an easy process. I want to slap him when he acts like my feelings and words are insignificant.

Ok. I would say that I agree, with the needing to spice things up, but we've only made love that way like twice out of many times. I like another position too; and honest to goodness truth, I like it fast because when he goes fast I can feel it deeper. When its slower, its okay I guess. Perhaps we just have to compromise on that particular issue. But i wasnt so much concerned with the sex part as much as the way he was treating my about my asking.

My insecurities come from him saying things, earlier in the relationship, (sometimes he'll slip up every now and again, i think im forcing him to grow up too soon), and then he said something that kinda provoked me to cheat on him which i think led him to be able to cheat on me a few months later. Anyways he's well aware of the pain he has cause me and the he has put me through. And i only found out about 4 months ago he cheated, it devasted me from the inside out. So my question is why is he being such a jerk about me asking questions about things that he caused me to be insecure about. And its not like i ask him every day. Some questions i will rule out as unnecessary and i wont ask them. I just dont think everytime I ask something and he says "insecurities" he's really considering the question. Its insensitive and annoying. This is the real problem. Whenever he's insecure about something and he brings it to my attention, I comfort him, with loving and kind words, and dont mock him or make him feel like he needs to grow up, handle himself, etc. I know Im not perfect, and im working on my healing process, because its more than cheating he's done to hurt me. Im trying and he doesnt acknowledge it or he thinks its an easy process. I want to slap him when he acts like my feelings and words are insignificant.

Clearly,at some point he has seen that you do have insecurities and so he is playing that card to death.Maybe that is all he has as a way to push your buttons when you are putting him on the spot.

His insecurity could be forcing him to turn the issue around.Its a way to avoid the issue at hand and turn it around on you.Its manipulation.

I am not surprised that you both feel insecure in your relationship,that is what happens when people cheat.

He needs to understand and validate your feelings.You have serious communication problems and need to learn communication and how to fight fair.
Set some ground rules for your discussions and stick to them.
How to Fight Fair (http://www.positive-way.com/howto2.htm)

It seems like HE is the one who is insecure. Why would he lash out at you for the simplest questions if he wasn't! I would find it very concerning as well if my boyfriend had told me something like that and I would want to figure out ways to fix it! Him lashing out at you when you asked questions about it is a sign that he is insecure about himself not the other way around. Also possibly try some new moves to make it more erotic for him, for example different positions, not only can they be erotic, but can also be very pleasurable for both sexes! Or make it more "visually erotic" while in missionary. You have to think of how he is feeling as well as how you are, if he is losing interest in sex that is not a good sign, and I would suggest doing something about it even if it isn't your exact definition of "making love".

My boyfriend overanalyzes stuff too. Sometimes I think HE might be the one that is insecure. Your boyfriend sound similar to mine in some aspects. It's annoying, but I still love him, and he's gotten better.

Well the thing is, he is so easily upset and thrown off by discussing things he doesn't want to that he will threaten to stop talking to me for the rest of the night or yell at me for minutes, and tell me to literally to stop, because he doesn't want to talk about it at night. For some reason I guess I tend to think more about things at night, and that's when certain thoughts are more prolific and prone to occur. We compromised; we don't discuss things that upset him at night. I basically had no choice but to give in, and now I guess I'm fine with it. But he seems to just expect me to turn off my mind and stop thinking all together. He doesn't like to answer questions I ask him in the first place, which has made it hard for me to understand why he says things, or why he does things etc. When I asked him about this particular instance of him cheating on me, he lied and then about 2 weeks ago, I asked him what brought about the situation in the first place (not feelings). And he was all offended or something, he didn't want to answer and so I thought he was hiding something from me. I can't help but to ask him things until he gives me complete answers, or so I can understand and not be wondering about a whole lot of other things. Uuughhh its so frustrating. This is the typical situation.
" Yeah, I was talking to my ex girlfriend about her classes and life" (this didn't exactly happen)--him
" Hmm. Why were you talking to her, do you miss her?"-me
**blah blah blah insecurity--him
BTW none of us find it respectful NOW to talk to ex-girlfriends

It may be the timing and the way you word the question,his lashing out like he does is his way of ending the conversation,it doesn't make anyone right or wrong he may feel like
"I know where this is headed" so he gets loud and ends it,try to hold back until you have something well thought out and approach him with a" hey can i ask you something"
Remember timing is everything
I personally don't like to talk about sex AFTER the fact I'm ready for a sandwich,but BEFORE I'm all ears

You have serious communication problems and need to learn communication and how to fight fair.
Set some ground rules for your discussions and stick to them.
How to Fight Fair (http://www.positive-way.com/howto2.htm)

What do you mean fight fair, we've implemented all these guidelines to help us do so, and this problem is still so prevalent.

Sounds less about the position and more about why and the true feeling.

Between you both. Distracted by other things that are more important when we get lazy.

Are you excited?

People tend to get in a routine and lose touch with what's there in front of them.

What's the problem? How old are you guys?

Communication is KEY in a relationship! If you two cannot communicate properly or fight over things that are insignificant then that is not a good sign! Try not accusing him of stuff like in your example.. ''why were you talking to her do you miss her?'', you didn't have to say the do you miss her part because what does it matter he is with you and that is an insecure question to ask.

What do you mean fight fair, we've implemented all these guidelines to help us do so, and this problem is still so prevalent.

How to fight fair is a link (highlighted in blue)and you both should read it together and stick to the rules that are suggested.It will help you both to validate one anothers feelings and learn effective communication.
I would print it out! Keep it on the fridge!

Sorry, Im catching up.

You're both cheaters together. Right?

Trying to fix that? And feeling jealous?

Why are guys together? Really?

Have you thought about that?

Someone with something to hide tends to get stroppy, loud, defensive and goes on the attack - as in "you are so insecure"... rather than reply.
So, you are now not allowed to speak (or think) unless the timing is convenient to him..
I wonder how much more controlling you will allow him to do before you are allowed to speak your mind.
Be a good little girl, shut up, and do as you are told.
Or get some courage and speak your mind whenever YOU want to!

Since any response to an issue is biased due to the one-sided information, I'd like to ask you some questions that I think you should roll over in your head for a bit:

If your boyfriend were to read what you wrote here, would he agree with your description of the issue, and the information you are telling us, or not telling us? Are you exaggerating, because you seem to be flustered by the issue still, you called him a jerk in your last response.

Is this a close, or long-distance relationship, when was the last time you have seen each other in person? It seems like you two are disconnected, and are caught up by many issues that seem to be resolved, and then seem to unravel and dissolve due to un-cured insecurities.

When was the last time you had sex with him? When was the last time you made love with him? Making love, and having sex are two different actions. Make-up sex can be just as good as discussing a problem, but is not a substitute for it - it is only as good as a topical cream that temporarily alleviates symptoms.

Are you telling him everything? A major key to communicating in intimate relationships is having both parties "in the know"; make sure he knows what's going on in your mind, don't hide any single feeling or thought as minuscule or large as it may be.

Does he think you are over-analyzing, and in doing so, are you missing important little clues he leaves that he does understand and care, but doesn't want to catch you up in the moment and have you thinking all night long?

You seem to blame him for your insecurities. Ask yourself, and honestly analyze where your insecurities were born, and what causes them to grow, or run rampant. Then discuss what you find out with you boyfriend, so he knows exactly how to help you.

Remember to approach any issue you have with an open mind - remove any biases as best as you can, and make sure you two are working together on the issue, and make sure it is at the very least patched up before you move on to another subject, or end the conversation for the night. Good luck.

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=5057030)

I get the feeling that you are curious, and inquisitive, but your boyfriend doesn't like to talk much. All your other post suggest your having a hard time establishing some good honest communications.

I think that most young couples have that problem, and it affects many areas of the relationship, until you learn more about how to talk, and listen to each other.

For you though, don't take everything so personally, and know when to back off. I say that just because he has the classic symptoms of being emotionally overwhelmed by you, and won't admit maybe he can't answer your questions, or doesn't know how.

Go slower with him, with less expectations, and see if that doesn't open him up in time. Emphasis on time, which requires patience, and I think you'll ease into a comfortable way for you both to learn to express yourselves to each other.

Are older men like this? WHen you say young couples do you suggest young in age or in their relationship?

Could age be a factor here? Not only age but your time invested.
It seems to hit a nerve with you.

More so, lack of communication. Honesty. Get real here. You will thank yourself later.

Things that myself have experienced and felt the result of when communication is non-existent.

Be honest & strong with yourself & communicate that. Understand your partner. How best to do that. Positivity and honesty are the rules of thumb here. Understand what the agenda is. Then how.

We all deny and brush stuff under the carpet to not argue, out of fear and hurt or maybe realization of true answers, even from ourselves. But if its important to you and the relationship, its worth that effort.

But, that's up to you. Only you know what you want. Not yet what he wants.

Most people here already know my usual topics of discussion. So, I'll keep it short and frank as possible.

1. Boyfriend and I building trust after infidelity on both sides (althought he seems to trust me more than I do him)-But I only did once, he did twice
2. Before we met he used to talk to A LOT of females, either trying to get a girlfriend or wanting some sexual satisfaction... idk likely both
3. Many of the people on his buddy list seem to be "these" girls; he claims he doesn't talk to them anymore. I was having doubts so I I'm two of them one responds that she and him met on myspace... lets just say his myspace and talking to girls flirtaciously went hand in hand. He was upset by this and I asked why. He pulled out the same old trick " your insecure" blah blah. I asked him if he doesn't talk to them, than why can't you just delete them. He said there is no reason to. Uhh, that makes just as much sense as keeping a pile of old clothes in your room that you've grown out of. Naturally we had disagreement about it. I feel like he's hiding something from me. And yet I don't feel its unwarranted. He has given me a few reasons not to. Regardless, Ive been trying hard to lately.
4. What should be done? What should I do? Its unnerving to the point where I don't want to talk to him

If you can trust him and is having a hard time trying to then "why stay"?

Contacting girls from his myspace proves you doesn't and it doesn't seems like he is going admit to anything.

Part of loving someone is knowing when to let go.

Threads merged

A few months ago I had discovered some photos my boyfriend was sending to this particular female on this ridiculous dating/social networking site. Long story short. I asked him. He started babbling, which was the first indicator that he was lying. Then he made up some extensively outrageous lie that I found to have no credibility. I knew he was lying. But it was like 2 am when I confronted him about it and I was tired so I yielded to my weariness and put it off. Although, I did not forget and I was thinking of ways to get him to tell me the truth. Finally he did about a month ago. Ever since then, trusting is an endeavor I shall attemopt to re-learn it. He already "cheated before" actually both incident happened around the same time Like a few days apart; I'seem to have handled the first incident in a relatively good amount of time. Seeing as he came forth and did not flat out lie to me about it. There is a lot of suppressed anger that is freighted with the whole issue. I really just resent the fact he lied to me about it. I don't know. And things have become increasingly difficult to fix. The worst part is, on several occasions I laid out the chance for him to come clean by saying.. "is there anything else" is there anything you want to tell me? He only told me once I tried to make it all blow up in his face by posing as some girl who wanted to xchange "x-rated pictures with him" I would like to say I believe that he knew it was me as he said, but its like how can I be sure when he lied about sending pictures to that girl in the first place?? Above all else, everything is always my fault because Im insecure... NO **** sherlocke... I wonder why?

Okay, you probably won't like this whole post, so if not just wait for someone else to respond.

You stayed with him after the X rated picture incident, which told him "you forgive and let it go" which meant that you can no longer hold that against him. It's relationship double jeopardy, sounds weird and wrong but its true. You should have ended it the first time

I DO NOT agree with you pretending to be someone else, it's just as deceitful as the liar that it's intended to catch. If you have a feeling your spouse is cheating, go with it. Something isn't right, you speak up. If it can't be resolved by communication, then it's time to walk away from the relationship.

Now you have two choices, stay with him and continue to allow yourself to be made insecure by this internet cheater which may grow into an reality cheater, or walk away.

My choice, run the other way

Well, I don't agree or disagree with your post. I'll just take it for what it is. But I must mention the physical cheating was a one time thing, and the sending pictures to a girl after talking her up was probably a 2-3 event; in short it happened once. It wasn't continuous.

Well, I dont agree or disagree with your post. I'll just take it for what it is. But i must mention the physical cheating was a one time thing, and the sending pictures to a girl after talking her up was probably a 2-3 event; in short it happened once. it wasnt continuous.

Don't make excuses for him.

Dump him already!

Sarah

So are you going to allow him to continually do this? I mean that's 4 times he has cheated that you have allowed him. Cheating for me, and a lot of other people is a one and done thing. They have a strong habit for repeating, which it seems he is doing

When someone has cheated, trust is broken. No trust = no relationship. If you can't trust him, leave him.

Two choices:

1) Do you really want to continue a relationship where you are constantly insecure and just waiting for the next time that he cheats on you?

2) Or would you rather dump this cheater. Learn from this experience. Then find someone who's not going to cheat on you and treat you with respect?

I vote for 2).

CRAP! I'm gone for 2 months and I forget to click the wrong one. I tried to just be lazy and hit "Tab" down and I guess I didn't hit TAB twice.



I'm sorry.. I love you!. I'll make up for it...

CRAP! I'm gone for 2 months and I forget to click the wrong one. I tried to just be lazy and hit "Tab" down and I guess I didn't hit TAB twice.



I'm sorry..I love you!...I'll make up for it.....

Off topic but that made me laugh. I love you! Ha...

I got this mental image:



Sarah

Now you are asking about an internet affair?

You both have cheated (Him-2; You-1). You don't communicate. You don't trust him. He shuts down and gets defensive. AND a whole lot more according to other questions you've asked.

The more I read the more I have to ask:

WHY are you still with this man?

Not to mention, what's next and can we get it all in one thread?

I may get slammed by people here but you overstepped a line by going on HIS buddy list and contacting people on his buddy list. There is nothing positive that could come from that, you either get your own satisfaction from feeling better if they don't know you or you embarrass him because his girlfriend is contacting people from his myspace. Or let's say, you didn't know who it was and you contacted them, it turns out to be his boss? How do you think that would make him look.

No trust, no relationship. It's plain and simple

I don't agree with him and his ways, but you weren't innocent in the matter. It doesn't matter how many times you cheated compared to him. Infidelity is infidelity, no other way around it. If you can't communicate then there is no point to being in a relationship

If I had the power to do the merging(hint hint JK) I would, I know Tal will come along and do it soon enough.

This relationship is beyond broken, the OP needs to realize that

Since the threads have merged now it makes more sense now.. to break up!

Unless of course BOTH you and him WANT to work out the relationship with a counselor.

In my opinion this relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Time to move on.

Sarah

Since the threads have merged now it makes more sense now.. to break up!

Unless of course BOTH you and him WANT to work out the relationship with a counselor.

In my opinion this relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Time to move on.

Sarah
Its so heartening to see this forum's regular people take so much effort in addressing the prioblems of someone in pain and confusion.Seriously,you guys and gals,you rock totally and I really thank my lucky stars I found you all out when I needed you the most.

But yes j_ely,there's a lot of thinking you need to do about this relationship you are in.If someone is forever coming back to you with shrink-talk about YOUR insecurities and not being able to DISCUSS issues maturely and instead acts DEFENSIVE and tries to make you feel GUILTY about trying to sort things out,then there's definitely a liot of ATTITUDE issues that need to be dealt with first.A lot of analysis,finding ways and means to get through to him,allowing him to come to you than you having to always take the lead and so on and so forth.Are you ready to take on so much stress in your relationship?Are you prepared to deal with his cheating ways,willing to give a LOT of TIME and PATIENCE to make this relationship work?

Update; So yesterday I wasn't quite able to communicate to him exactly how everything was making me feel and he got a headache, so I let him go to sleep. As a means to alleviate all the issues that arise regarding his internet/computer usage and talking with others, he attempted to modify his contact list, which by the way wasn't enough, but I appreciated the effort. I told him so as well. Anyway, I just feel like he doesn't understand what his lying and cheating has done to our relationship. Its not that it can't be fixed its just he needs to put A LOT of effort into it. Whether he's capable of doing so I don't know... I guess I should work with a time frame?

Anyway, i just feel like he doesnt understand what his lying and cheating has done to our relationship. Its not that it can't be fixed its just he needs to put A LOT of effort into it.

Remember that you have to work on it too. He isn't the only one who messed up so it is unfair to make him do all the "fixing".

I know, but if you read the other post; its like a 2:1 situation and he seems more prone to fault or something, I'm not sure why; I don't even really have to try to keep from doing anything wrong, and if I do, I realize it and apologize. But, just recently, I asked him a question for assurance, and he replied as if he didn't want to answer it or like he didn't care. And even if we do split; he said he will hate me for a while and not want to talk to me unless we are in a relationship again. I don't understand that because he says he loves me and I'm most important to him, yet I don't agree with that attitude. I feel the same way in terms of loving him as a person, but I would like to remain friends... =/

And even if we do split; he said he will hate me for a while and not want to talk to me unless we are in a relationship again.


Everyone deals with a split-up differently,this is just his way of a N/C
You two really should find better things to talk about than what if's.

With your rationale it's no wonder why he has a headache. I don't care if he has cheated 30 times and you have only once, cheating is cheating. There is just as much damage done regardless. You continue to rationalize your cheating by his number of times. He tries to compromise with his contact list, and still you aren't happy.

People may get mad at me for this, but I'd be gone. If you cannot compromise in a relationship, then you don't belong in one. It's 50/50 not any other numbers.

I know compromise is necessary. But my question would therefore be, what are we compromising?

I don't know everything in the relationship so I can't say. He tried to do something with the buddy list, and now you still aren't happy.

Ok. Well for instance, I don't drink anymore, I don't smoke anymore. I don't hang out with guys alone anymore. These are all things I yielded into doing so he would trust and be comfortable with me. Only when I brought those things to his attention did he concede his efforts in fighting me, and decide to do the same thing. What else can be compromised on my behalf, I feel like I've done everythng for some reason and he never knows, if I ask him.

J-ELY I just went through the hole thread and re-read it paying special attention to your comments (and I invite you to do the same) I have to say I think you are just wearing this guy out,I actually feel sorry for him.you are very intellegent and have good arguments but good gosh girl let it go.. take some time off from the issues to re-invent the relationship. ALSO
It seems to me you enjoy attacking him at night when he is tired and wants to sleep and I have to warn you that, that is a form of abuse,it's a wear down tactic and is not healthy.chill out for awhile take things slower

When you say chill out, do u mean a break? Ive tried to initiate but he won't accept. How long do u think long distnce can last?

What I'm saying is just reside with him without making a fuss on ANY issues for a little while.
Put everything on hold to give yourself a break.
You know I'm not working right now but when I was there was not a lot of issue solving going on during the week,all I wanted to do was come home eat dinner watch some TV and go to bed.how about letting it rest until you can get him away for a drive,or walk and talk a little then.do you really have a time sensitive agenda to get these things solved so quickly?

No. I think I'm a just letting my OCD get a hold of me; I hate not resolving conflict. Well I guess I just hate when people don't want to do it my way

Well that's understandable and obvious and is why I gave the advise I did,sometimes when you step away from a conflict you give yourself a chance to clear your head and when you come back to it you find yourself to have a different set of issues based on your reflection,these new set of issues tend to be based more on the core of the proublem where as now you know something is not right and you are obsessed with making it better but your jumping around on your issues pick one and work on it for starters

Ok. Well for instance, I dont drink anymore, I dont smoke anymore. I dont hang out with guys alone anymore. These are all things I yielded into doing so he would trust and be comfortable with me.
.

These are things that benefit you the most and you should have done them anyway for yourself.how long ago did you do all this?

Not surprising two cheaters not getting along. Hard to build a relationship with no trust, no communications, no willingness to work together. There can't be much love then. At least not that I can see.

Well, I let you guys in on something. I believe I cannot leave him, and I wish to resolve everything because when we are together, just having fun, spending time, and always when we have sex/make love--It is the most amazing feeling. When we aren't fighting, debating about anything--i feel so much love emanating from him, and so I too re-invest it back into him. And if you bo back on the thread... the user named Lstfly... that was him.

And he ask you some good questions too.

Yes... and we both capitulated to some things... but you don't think me asking him to not go and hang out with girls indivually, and keeping women he used to flirt with on his contact list--was proptitious for our relationship? I mean I stopped smoking( weed) and drinking (altogether) when he told he he didn't like that... When I asked of him he made big deal out of it

J-ELY i just went through the hole thread and re-read it paying special attention to your comments (and I invite you to do the same) i have to say i think you are just wearing this guy out,i actually feel sorry for him.you are very intellegent and have good arguments but good gosh girl let it go..take some time off from the issues to re-invent the relationship. ALSO
It seems to me you enjoy attacking him at night when he is tired and wants to sleep and i have to warn you that, that is a form of abuse,its a wear down tactic and is not healthy.chill out for awhile take things slower

Zippit--you have opened up a whole new thought process to J_ely's problem and its uncanny because it so resembles what my ex said when we broke up.According to him,I have this knack of getting a hang of people much faster than him,of having my feelings flow much faster than his.In a way,when I look back now,he must have felt a bit overwhelmed by me,you know,considering I've always prided myself on attacking problems,finding ways to solve them,communicate,analyse etc etc,do everything to sort things out.

J_ely,maybe,if you stepped back a bit as Zippit says and let go of this bug in you to fix things just now,it could give you both that much needed space from each other to figure out your next step.Cos,in any case,what you are doing's(talking,rationalising,arguing etc)not really helping.So,if you really want this to work,then don't push further in the same direction.Change your approach.Wait,watch,do some thinking,spend some ME time,allow some air in:)... You both have past baggage to clear on top of this and you both need to do it together.Before that,you both need to be on the same page where you actually WANT to save what's there between you two.As far as I can see,your partner's still not in the zone where he FEELS the need to SORT things out.Allow him to REALISE he has things at stake here,so he better get his act together,cut out all the defensive crap and be more open in communication.Let him WANT to take on some of the work in this relationship.

Its so heartening to see this forum's regular people take so much effort in addressing the prioblems of someone in pain and confusion.Seriously,you guys and gals,you rock totally and I really thank my lucky stars I found you all out when I needed you the most.

But yes j_ely,theres a lot of thinking you need to do about this relationship you are in.If someone is forever coming back to you with shrink-talk about YOUR insecurities and not being able to DISCUSS issues maturely and instead acts DEFENSIVE and tries to make you feel GUILTY about trying to sort things out,then theres definitely a liot of ATTITUDE issues that need to be dealt with first.A lot of analysis,finding ways and means to get through to him,allowing him to come to you than you having to always take the lead and so on and so forth.Are you ready to take on so much stress in your relationship?Are you prepared to deal with his cheating ways,willing to give a LOT of TIME and PATIENCE to make this relationship work?
Thanks Mudweiser:)Though I wish I had the same sanity to save my own relationship 8 months back:)But maybe if I weren't heartbroken,I wouldn't have searched the internet and found this forum.So,more gains than losses,I would say:)

j-ely,
You.r very much welcome,it is a really good feeling to be gone for a few days and come back and read what I just read.Helping in here brings mutual gratification its why it works!

Things aren't looking so good in terms of my relationship. I think there's a lot going on emotionally for us and I think its becoming overwhelming for him as he has a lot on his plate. I want him to be at peace, but I'm almost certain that right now, isn't the best time for us. I want to be with him so badly, and I would even go as far as to move out there to live with him and start a life w/ him. We need intensive relational therapy at this moment and neither of us have the means to do so. What should I say to him? He said he will hate me if I break up with him. Yet I know that I could never hate him. I will always love him and want him in my life. Help please?

Is this a long distance relationship? Way too many details have been left out for any of us to give you a decent answer.

I think if both people in the relationship want to put effort into making the relationship work then don't leave him yet. Discuss this with him and see what he has to say.

This is a continuation of a couple of other threads. I expect this one will be added to the others.

j_ely, I am going to review and see what thoughts and advice come to mind.

Yes, It's a long distance for the past 9 months. We used to live together for like 5. Great with each other then; Almost no problems there.

Please keep all questions about the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story and give you more appropriate advice.

I'm really sorry to say, but this relationship is extremely toxic and it needs to end, regardless of how harsh that sounds. You're just hurting yourself by sticking around. You don't have to continue to suffer like this.

Maybe you two should cool things down by taking a few steps back for a while to gain some perspective on this relationship. Then when you're more refreshed, you can see things more objectively.

Is it so wrong for a person to still want to keep the lines of communication open with an ex. Recently there have been bombs the size of Texas going off in my relationship. There are just so many conflicts and things to resolve we are both overwhelmed so I opted for a break/ breaking up for the time being (he has a lot of food on his plate so to speak) and I have a lot of pressure as well, but mostly its directed at "me" making the relationship work. I can do it all on my own obviously. He retaliated and was enraged at my attempt to back out and present him with the opportunity to move on and do what is necessary--school and work.
I feel like I've just given up on this already and he's just pulling me along with him. Its not that I don't love him. Im just in over my head, and I prefer to have him in my life whether it be romantically or in the platonic sense. I can't bear to let him go completely as he has been my best friend, my confidant, everything that no one has ever been for me. So I resolve to stay in the relationship with weak knees and a teary eyes; things would probably be easier if I could somehow stop him from loving me and I the same. What should I say or do

You are going to have to listen to your heart! Take some time to think!

I think it is clear you need to get out of this relationship. It seems like it is ripping you apart. Love isn't always enough. It doesn't sound like you two are all that compatible. That is the point of dating, to find out. It isn't easy, but you just have to do what is best for you, regardless of your feelings. You can't just stay in a volatile situation just because you are scared to lose something.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-does-he-act-like-395631.html

I'm guessing it's the same boyfriend?

If it is, this relationship is extremely toxic and you need to get out. Otherwise you're just torturing yourself.

Long-term long distance, and inablilty to emulate the same level of intimacy?

My boyfriend and I were talking, and somehow the topic of my hair came up; first things first, I am african american and native american-usually I get confused with every race in existence besides white. Regardless, I do have nappyish/ more so curly hair. Usually right after I was it it is curly but, if I come it out its an afro. Anyway, my entire life I've been a little conscious about my hair as I grew up around latinos and caucasians with long hair either straight or curly or wavy. Only up until I began to befriend other black females such as myself did I feel comfortable about it and not so ashamed and embarrassed. Like most black females we been conditioned to think straight is the only way to go as it is most beautiful and what not. Well, Ive been watching Tyra and one of my best friends is black--she wears her hair all natural; she wears it well and people don't seem to think negatively about it. I want that freedom too. Washing, blow-drying, hot-combing and straightening all for it to sweat out in a few hours is tiring. Sometimes I want to braid it so I don't have to spend hours doing it. Recently Ive been thinking about just growing it out a few inches longer so I can wear it all natural, but my boyfriend says he prefers it straight and he likes it better that way. He is obviously not black so he doesn't understand the issue very well. It also upset me because it puts such a restraint on my hair versatility. He doesn't like when I braid my hair, but its like "dont you know" we braid it so it can grow instead of damaging it from daily endeavors. I feel like he only thinks I'm beautiful if my hair is straight and I don't like that. I want him to appreciate our cultural differences and not think I'm any less attractive than other women simply because my hair is not long and straight. What should I do? I don't want to perm, Ive had it before and it severely damaged my hair. Should I just wear wigs and weaves the entire time? I used to be comfortable with my hair around him, and now I definitely Im not. Any advice?

Tell him what you've told us, explain how much effort it is. Try to reach a compromise.

Let him know how much you have to do and go through just for a couple hours of straight hair, if he doesn't understand, or at least try to understand it seems like he is only looking skin deep.

I have red wavy hair,its sometimes coarse and needs at lot of condition.

But I love it.

Your friend wears her hair with confidence, that's what you need,a little bit of hair confidence... wearing it straight or something something different for a special occasion is nice, but the hassel of styling every day is time consuming.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I bet he does not have to spend hours trying to sort out his hair!

Your head,your hair, if he wants a girl with long flowing locks tell him to call tyra banks,see how well he gets on!

I think you should do whatever makes YOU happy.
If you want to experiment with your hair I would. If it ends up being easier, then stick with it.
If he loves you, then he would love you even bald.

The photo below is "fuzzy" she is a musician and TV presenter in Australia...

She is really popular and to be honest... pretty darn cool... ;)
What makes her "her" is her hair!
Make your hair a part of your personality, show it off don't be embarrassed by it!

If he has a problem with that then that is his problem, not yours.

http://www.girl.com.au/img/fuzzy.jpg

I have really thick uncontrolable locks. By my choice, I had a short hair style for quite some time. I started to grow it out, and friends and family were not so used to the change at first, but again this was my choice. Lately, these same people have been giving me complements. See, I think people don't like change, or the unknown. Try it your way for a time, you may find that you look great with your natural hair. The best thing about hair is if you don't like it one way you can always change it.
Im sure your boyfriend wouldn't like it one bit if you told him that he had to grow, lets say, a handle bar mustash instead of his clean shave because that's what you prefer. Right?

I had a g/f once who told me if I was paying, she would wear her hair any way I wanted. I shut up after that.

Okay, so I understand that I should do whatever makes me happy, but I want him to still think Im attractive--the apple of his eye and what not. I know he would still "love me". Can I ask the men, what is your take on the situation? What would you do or say to your wife or significant other if they told you that they were going to cut there hair, color it, or alter it in any way. Would you tell them no, because you like the way they look presently, would you actually tell her you wouldn't like it, and it would be less attractive. I mean its not like I'm cutting it all off you know. I really can't help that my hair take so much time and effort to maintain in a straight style. I accidentally slipped up and said to him that the only thing that would enable me to be have a relationship with an african american man is the cultural ties, and the understanding. Since he's not black, I feel he doesn't understand. And it kills me because I can only complain to him saying "Oh my God, my hair is too much for me, I have other things to do!"

This isn't a cultural thing. It is a Male thing. Men through the ages have not understood what women go through to put their hair in some of the most ridiculous styles just because They like it. A lot of men don't know what they want. I have known men who swore they loved women with long hair. They dated only girls with short hair. Fix your hair the way you like it.

My hair is long and straight. Even when it was shorter it wouldn't hold a perm. My husband loves my hair, but IF I chose to cut it off and dye what's left yellow and orange (he might question my sanity), he would support my decision because I am the one who has to deal with it day in and day out. Yes, we have discussed it.

How many headaches do you get just from all that tugging, brushing, etc. Wouldn't he prefer more time with you than you spending that time with your hair?

Isn't this the guy you have been having problems with? I don't think hairstyles are the biggest problem in the relationship.

Hmm... I think you are overlooking the fact that I have to spend significant amounts of time to "straighten" my hair for his pleasure. The black men that I know really don't care all too much about whether his "black" or even any woman with nappy-ish thick almost unmanagebale hair--is STRAIGHT. As long as it looks presentable and nice. My dad is black and my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble african heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it. I have some male friends that are african american and they think similarly. So I don't know, I think its both a cultural thing and a guy thing.

So i dont know, i think its both a cultural thing and a guy thing.

I don't know if it's so much a guy thing as it's this particular guy's hangup. I'm AA and my hair is pretty versatile. I date all races and never had anyone make me feel uncomfortable about our differences. The white guys I've dated knew that I had to do certain things to my hair to make/keep it straight. They knew from the onset of the relationship that we're different but never made a big deal of it.

Sit down and talk to him and give him a chance to actually voice his feelings to you. It may not be so much that he likes your hair straight because he wants you to be something you're not but maybe if it was like that when you met, it's just something he's used to. Talk to him.

My dad is black and my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble african heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it.

How much time does your mother spend trying to get her Native American hair into hairstyles resembling your father's Black heritage? Of course he doesn't complain it isn't his hair. She is doing it for him, because she wants to or she likes the styles. What if she went for hair styles from her own culture?

It still comes down to it is your hair. He isn't the one torturing himself to style it.

I bet you have beautiful hair. Give him a chance to see it and get used to a new hairstyle.

How much time does your mother spend trying to get her Native American hair into hairstyles resembling your father's Black heritage? Of course he doesn't complain it isn't his hair. She is doing it for him, because she wants to or she likes the styles. What if she went for hair styles from her own culture?

It still comes down to it is your hair. He isn't the one torturing himself to style it.

I bet you have beautiful hair. Give him a chance to see it and get used to a new hairstyle.

I think there is a misunderstanding and I shall apologize for not being very detailed with my last post. My father is black and native, my mom is just black, for some reason I have more of the texture of native american hair as it is extremely soft and fine when straight. My sisters isn't even as soft and light as mine. I guess I absorbed the majority of the Native hair gene. Anyway, I think it may a have a little to do with what I looked like when we first met--but everyone who has common sense knows people do not look the same forever. Of course, I going to want to change it up every now and again, people just have to get used to change I think. I don't know if I want to "sit down" with him and discuss it; he doesn't like to talk about little things here and there that to him mean nothing. He just says stop or he will be like "I dont want to talk about it anymore" which is why I usually come on this site lol; or text a guy friend for immediate answers and opinions. I dated a white boy once and he wasn't so much concerned about the way I wore my hair. I was wearing braids and then I took them out he said it looked nice both way. I dated two black men and they always were very understanding of the situation. Whether it was nappy, curly, straight. And then the latino/portuguese guy I went out with for a few months didn't say much at all but I do remember he liked when my hair was curly with gel (in an afro style) and then he too liked when I straightened it. If I remember correctly, it actually "surprised him". He didn't know I could do so many things with it. I just want him to appreciate my hair and not be so judgemental about it. Im thinking Im just going to get straight-long haired weaves/wigs so I don't have to deal with my hair and so he can be aesthetically pleased.

I just want him to appreciate my hair and not be so judgemental about it. Im thinking Im just going to get straight-long haired weaves/wigs so I don't have to deal with my hair and so he can be aesthetically pleased.

I'm a bit concerned that your BF is so infexible that the only way he likes you is with straight hair. I'm also concerned about the importance your hair has as part of the relationship and that you feel you need to 'aesthetically' please him.

Something is not quite right here. If he didn't like the size of your breasts would you change them? If he didn't like the shape of your nose or mouth, because they were too African American would you have them altered?

Why the fixation on your hair? Why is it SO important for him to like it?

It is nice when our partners appreciate our physical appearance, but in the end it is not who we are. It is merely an expression of our personality and our personalities have many aspects.

Perhaps ask yourself why you feel the need to adjust this aspect of yourself to meet your BF's expectations. It sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to please him to me.

My mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble African heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it.

Your dad is a smart man, and most men are the same. We compliment our female partners and appreciate them.

I think your to fixated on please this guy, and I wonder how healthy that is.

I can say that jumping through hoops to be attractive toward him will only make you lose yourself, and yourself esteem, and that's where I think your headed now.

For sure if he doesn't like your hair, then he doesn't like you either, or himself.

Baby, your hair is beautiful no matter which way u wear it!

I

Why the fixation on your hair? Why is it SO important for him to like it?

It is nice when our partners appreciate our physical appearance, but in the end it is not who we are. It is merely an expression of our personality and our personalities have many aspects.

Perhaps ask yourself why you feel the need to adjust this aspect of yourself to meet your BF's expectations. It sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to please him to me.

You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I don't want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it won't be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didn't like it. He never explains why either, so there's no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think I'm sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am I feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps I put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasn't physically attractive enough to him and what not... But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style I choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, etc.

You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I dont want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it wont be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didnt like it. He never explains why either, so theres no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think im sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am i feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps i put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasnt physically attractive enough to him and what not...But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style i choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, ect.

Something about him is creating insecurity within you.

It wouldn't matter if you had a mowhawk or a beehive or dreadlocks - it's actually not about your hair, it's about you feeling that you lack confidence when you are with him because he is critical of your hairstyle.

As the other posters have said - it's your hair. Wear it however YOU wish. If he doesn't like it then that's his problem. Don't allow him to control how you look and how you feel about how you look (if you know what I mean).

You are you. Not an extension of his likes and dislikes. Take back your power.

My boyfriend has a say in my hair styles. When I can't make up my mind and feel like giving him a say. And even then I have the final say. He loves me for me, and if he wants to keep me around, he knows that his response to any hairstyle I decide on had better be "of course you still look beautiful!" he does not get to decide that my hair can't be a certain way because he doesn't like it. Wear your hair how you're comfortable with. If he doesn't like it and has the nerve to tell you not to style it a certain way just because, show him the door.

In a truly loving relationship, looks are not of the greatest importance. Love excepts all things. What if, God forbid, you had cancer, or had a car wreck? Could you really trust him to stay by your side despite your appearance? The way you look, or how you do your hair doesn't define you. You are not your hair. Is it you or him that needs to learn this.

You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I dont want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it wont be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didnt like it. He never explains why either, so theres no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think im sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am i feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps i put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasnt physically attractive enough to him and what not...But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style i choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, ect.

A woman is most beautiful when SHE feels confident and good about who she is.If you are happy with you,that aura of inner beauty and peace will make you shine.
You have to like what you see when you look in the mirror,first and foremost.
Be you and be free to be you,anything else is just cheating yourself and the world!

OMG, this is probably the zillionth time Ive had to refer to this site. Not that it's a problem =) You guys always give really good advice. My boyfriend yet again, I was trusting him with certain things. He said he was doing what I expected of him so that I can regain comfort with his behaviors and such. He blew it. Either I think he's incredibly dense, or he's just a little boy with a penis. Im not sure which one, maybe it's a combination of both. Why do men/guys repeat the same mistakes, over and over and over again? I don't understand it. I am not perfect at all, I recognize it--but once I mess up I rectify the situation by apologizing and taking whatever necessary measures to ensure I will not make the same mistake again. Or, even better I just don't. Its as simple as that. How the hell am I supposed to trust him, when he keeps doing the $H!T that he says he won't do? What am I to do?

Calm down, and tell us about it, without chat/text of course.

Okay. Its regarding social networking sites. But can I ask you personally to you randomly add females that you don't know?

Has this relationship always required so much work?

Will you tell us what it is he keeps doing "wrong"?

Haha...
Well you are both acquainted with the situation right?
I'll make it simple though. He has this habit of talking to girls he doesn't even know, and I mean its not just hi, how are you? In fact one of them was more like.. Are you the person that came in the store?" One, he cheated on me. Two he and I are miles apart. Three the only thing we can do for each other at the moment is make one another feel comfortable. He cheated with a girl that was a good friend. This inhibits my ability to trust him with girls who he befriends that have absolutely no relation to his life. I could understand if it was a coworker, fellow student, club member etc. Some of the girls are like 3 years younger than him from high school and he would take active interests in their lives. I mean I certainly do befriend people Ive only SEEN once walking by and unundate them with questions gallore. So what is going on here? I don't know. I think he is either interested in these girls on more than just a friend level. Ive had guys friends before and most of them do not care to go on about things that usually girls discuss among each other. Do I want this to work. Yes. But its psychologically distressing when things that I thought we had put an end confront us again head on. I either will end up walking away or go insane. Not quite sure which one..

Honey if he keeps cheating on you, chances are that it's not going to stop, and you're going to keep feeling distressed. I think you really need to evaluate this. If he loved you, He wouldn't do this to you. There's really no excuse for it.

I don't think that any single woman will be enough for this guy, at least not for a long time. He likes the attention and the pleasure he gets from it, and he clearly values it more than he values you or your relationship. Sure, he talks sweet, But do his actions REALLY back it up? THink hard, It seems he puts on an act to build your trust and then just goes back to doing whatever.
Clearly he does not consider your feelings when he does these things.

I know that it's important to work on trust issues, my boyfriend and I have our own also, but we make sure that we don't make the same mistakes and we try hard to just do right by each other.

Your guy is not doing this for you. I guarantee that there's one that WILL in this world somewhere.

Really, consider it.

You have such a storied history with this guy,
Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=5430064)

One issue after another. This can't be fun. How much distance are we talking about?

Honestly, I think your running head first into a brick wall.

You are wasting your time with this guy.

He is a cheater to the core.

Go find a man that will be true to you.

Why spend so much time forcing a relationship to work?

Free yourself of this mess you think is love.

j_ely, considering the number of your threads I have read and participated in, I am going to give you this piece of advice: FORGET him.

You don't trust him. You think he has issues with your looks. You don't seem to be getting anywhere with the relationship other than more upset. That is just the tip of the iceberg

Let it go and let yourself heal.

You have tried. You need to stop putting so much energy into keeping this relationship alive and put it into moving on.

Why do men/guys repeat the same mistakes, over and over and over again?? I dont understand it.

Because you allow it by staying with him , this guy has given you so much grief and he'll keep doing it because he knows you won't do anything about it.

Time to dump his sorry A55 and find someone that'll treat you with the respect you deserve.

Hello J,

Have you ever heard that old saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Seriously, you need to move on! Stop wasting any more seconds of you little life and call him, and end it, like now! Sorry to seem so rude about it. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

You may be a cool chick, so leave him and find another who will treat you with respect! Good luck.

Umm... in this case I can't agree with the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater", because I hope that j_ely has learned that just because he did doesn't mean she should (I know he did it twice, you only did it once).

j_ely, both of you have made mistakes. You have tried to fix the ones you can and to rebuild his trust in you. Unfortunately, he hasn't put in the same amount of work. There comes a time when you need to help yourself by letting go.

I agree with everyone else. You are the one doing all the suffering and hoping he will change while he is doing all the cheating. This is not healthy for you and clearly he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for him.
Sometimes you put so much effort in a relationship that you think it s hard to let go, but letting go is sometimes the easiest thing to do. I have done that mistake before. I tried to stay in it and tried to fix things or make her change things but that was because I was to scared to leave. DO NOT DO THE SAME MISTAKE... walk away and don't turn back

I would like to think that cheaters can change there ways, that it scared them so much doing it and reparcussions after were so awful they would never dream of doing it again... its not always the way though.

I have been cheated on and no matter how much you love them you lose that trust, you can try and try to make it work and build it back up again but if they are not trying the trust is even less.

He should be doing everything in his power to re assure you of his feelings and the regret he has for what he done to you, showing you he is trustworthy. If he isn't then its time to say goodbye because it won't end and you will go mad... take it from someone who went mad with it!

If a relationship becomes a job, why continue to go to work?

Not sure I get what romes saying. You do need to work at relationships, they have ups and downs, good days and bad days, lots of compromise. The person out there that says they don't need to work at theirs and is happy is a very lucky person indeed!

Why do men/guys repeat the same mistakes, over and over and over again?? I dont understand it.
I think you do understand.

He's not making mistakes, he's making decisions. He knows exactly what he's doing, he just doesn't care how his choice may affect you.

Not sure i get what romes saying. You do need to work at relationships, they have ups and downs, good days and bad days, lots of compromise. The person out there that says they dont need to work at theirs and is happy is a very lucky person indeed!

There is a big difference between working together as a couple to keep a relationship viable and one person doing all the work to try to keep it going. If the relationship starts feeling like you are going to work and not getting paid (wages in this case being support from your partner), then it is time to get out before the stress and strain destroy what little self-worth you have left.

In the case of j_ely and her boyfriend, there are multiple threads dealing with her doing all the work and he continues to do his own things. Like she is in the relationship and he isn't.

Ok, I get it now... I have had that relationship and have recently resigned!

Not sure i get what romes saying. You do need to work at relationships, they have ups and downs, good days and bad days, lots of compromise. The person out there that says they dont need to work at theirs and is happy is a very lucky person indeed!

Believe me, I know you have to work at relationships. But when you have as many problems as this relationship has, it becomes like a job(work) to even stay afloat, let a lone happy. This relationship has been broken, far beyond repair. No trust=no relationship, and that's what she has.

Every relationship needs work, but when you have to go to work every day, it's really not worth it. Sure arguing is going to happen, but if you spend every day worrying about what tomorrow will bring, do you really think you should be pursuing?

I do get it now. I think its very accurate.

Like I said I resigned my job!

I wonder what j_ely823 has to say about this. Any input hun?

I am in the most difficult situation when it comes to my relationship. I don't understand what is so wrong with him or me that neither of us can completely overcome our misfortunes and split. Not that I don't care about him, not that I wasn't ever enough in love with him. I just think he doesn't satisfy me anymore. And the truth is, its really not all his fault. I want to say it's a matter of emotional/mental capacities. I am a soft-hearted person and the moment I fell in love with him, I was all in it for him. He, on the other-hand was still in love with his best friend and so he said a few things that sparked ideas in my head. To make a long story short, my self-esteem was smashed; smashed so much so that even when he tells me things like he loves me and Im amazing, blah blah... I just can't seem to let it process. I tell myself that I forgive him, because I want to so that we can move on. Now, I'm thinking to myself, is it possible that Im just making up this extensive lie from within so as to placate the siutation? I mean is it plausible that there are just things you can never let go of. Yes you may forgive the person, but you will never get over what they did? And yes I cheated on him too, which in no way was to get revenge because in all honesty, It was for myself--because I know how fragile I am, and giving so much of myself to one person only for them to betray my love is almost debilitating to my soul. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm just venting right now, because I am extremely frustrated with him. I know I felt a heck of a whole lot better about myself then I've been feeling for almost an entire year. How does one make themselves feel better about the person they are when they are still in the relationship with the person that destroyed the little sanity and self-esteem and self-worth you had? HELP ME PLEASE! I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO OD MY nerve/pain tranquilizers

I dont understand what is so wrong with him or me that neither of us can completely overcome our misfortunes and split. Not that I dont care about him, not that I wasnt ever enough in love with him. I just think he doesnt satisfy me anymore.
So what about initiating a split? It sounds like it would be a relief for you.

OD MY nerve/pain tranquilizers

I hope that was a joke..
And if it was.. not a very a funny one.


Love.. is just a word..

We love the person we are with yes..
But what we love so much more.. is How they make us feel
The feeling of warmth they give us
That tender feeling.

So love should be an action that makes someone feel good.. right?

From what I read.. neither of you got the point of that.

2 Options

1 Work on your own issues, and what's done is done.. try and move on.. to a new life together.
Or
2 Split with him go no contact. Work on yourself and try and find someone that makes you feel warm and special

There are people out there.. that would make even the most self conscious person feel loved.

I hope you make the right choice.

Love is a wonderful thing, if both partners work at it together.

It can be a nightmare if both partners are not working at it, because all that is left then, is fear.. doubt and need.

I don't understand how a person so self conscious can cheat? Don't you think you cheating on him can have the same affect it has on you? Possible he feels the same way and was shattered to hear when you cheated on him. All he did was put ideas in your head that shattered your thoughts, but you actually acted on your thoughts and went through with the cheating...

Just quietly, I believe that you're sabotaging the relationship and then justifying it with psycho-babble.

He tells you that he still loves an ex and you make it the reason NOT to commit. You use this to blame him for shattering your self-esteem, and then you justify your 'fragile' state by having an affair.

You also blame him for destroying your sanity and self esteem.

Wake up. You did this to yourself. You made the choices.

I apologize for being harsh, but you seem to be blaming others for your state of mind and your actions and not taking responsibility.

I strongly suggest counseling would be helpful to get a perspective on yourself and strengthen you self-esteem, particularity if you're taking medication and are thinking of OD'ing.

Time to leave, you already have one foot out the door. You are not helping yourself or him by staying in a relationship you feel is over.

This needs to be merged with j_ely's other threads on the same subject:

Her (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-does-he-act-like-395631.html) threads were merged-MOD.

I still think that your relationship needs to end. The thread I linked to is only a portion of what you have been through with this person.

I think Cats right, while there was a lot of physical pleasures, I really don't think there was enough to bond with this person, so maybe the lust is finally wearing off enough for you to realize, he ain't the one to sustain your highly emotional needs, and you want to move on so, DO SO! Just be honest about it!

Sadly this type of thing happens all the time...

I just read through most of the merged threads and it all seems so incredibly complex. Why have you made this SUCH hard work?

It reads like it was one issue after another - even to the point where this man didn't like your hair.

You chose to stay and to allow him to wear away at your fragile sense of self.

In fact the answer is quite simple - the only way to feel better about this situation and about yourself is to remove yourself from it.

Your lives are not so intertwined that you can't separate. So just do it.

Don't you want to feel better?

Wow, it sounds you like have some major self esteem issues. He is bringing out some major insecurities within yourself.

I don't think you should be in this relationship anymore. Take a step back and figure out how to love yourself first.