I've looked up so many things on this, and nothing explains my guy the right way so I feel the situation is different, and doesn't explain it the right way. I mean he asked me to move in with him, and then all this happens. (warning long)

We dated 4 years out of the 6 we knew each other. He left for two years due to issues with the relationship before. Recently he's said the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you.. I think, I don't know, I'm just confused" He still loves me, cares for me, has attachments to me, he still gets jealous, he just doesn't want a relationship right now... His problem is, there are things he can't get over with my personality, but even then he can't tell me what it is because he "isn't sure how he really feels". When we broke up he said it was hard because he cares for me very very much, and has emotional and physical attachments to me, such as he's still attracted to me in a big way. But I'm the only girl he's ever dated, no girls really like him.. If he likes them they reject him, or don't want to have anything to do with him. But the idea came to him about what if there was something better out there for him. So we talked and when we broke up he said he wanted to be my friend.

At first I wanted to ignore him, and not bother with him like it all says to do, But he doesn't like to be ignored, and he doesn't want to lose me at all, then him and I agreed that there are problems with our situation. We are still friends, but when we are together something weird happens. We go into the weekend thinking everything is normal and we will just be ourselves, but then we will be sitting watching TV and all the sudden I'll be sitting on the same couch as him, him rubbing my back, and then stuff happens. (I'm sure this does not require an explanation) When we talked we said we just wanted to let things go the way they go, and to let time take over,you know just letting things flow, letting what feels right go. Letting our hearts and minds take control. But when I think about it I start hurting in my heart because even though we do all this stuff, and I know he's loving it, it's not hard to tell, but it just seems that while we are letting what feels right and natural go on, his mind is changing to coming back, I mean before it was "I'm not interested in a relationship" and now it's "You do make me happy, i love the things we do, and we have many years memories, plus you are my house haha" and I don't mind waiting, because of all I know (how he really feels, you can't deny your subconscious). It's just there are things about him people won't, can't or can never be expected to accept, and I want him to go out and explore because I was his only girlfriend ever, but at the same time I know that no one will, that he will feel guilty and sad if he ever does.

It sounds to me like he is enjoying getting the sex without having to be in an exclusive relationship with you. You would be surprised how fast his behavior changes if you cut the sex out of all of this.

He wants to let things happen naturally... there is a new one in my book. He kind of seems manipulative. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but in all seriousness, quit having sex with him and then you will get a good idea for what he really wants.

Like I said he's not like most guys

So he wants to see if there is something better out there? And he doesn't like to be ignored so you stopped ignoring him. So I have to ask do you like being his safety net? Because that is what you are right now. And sorry to break it to you but he is just like the average guy out there. Stringing his safety net along until he can find another girl to have sex with. But he doesn't have to worry about finding sex because he has you.

Forget the words he tells you his actions clearly say he doesn't love you.

But the idea came to him about what if there was something better out there for him. So we talked and when we broke up he said he wanted to be my friend.


Read that friends with benefits, until something better comes along, and can you blame him? You are so willing to give him what he wants, when he wants it so why buy the cow when the milk is free??



Like I said he's not like most guys

So you say but by your words he sounds like any other player who wants the benefits, without a commitment.

Free, easy sex, what more does he need. Prove me wrong, and stop having sex, and see how long he sticks around.

Like I said he's not like most guys, He's scared to death of sex, and he doesn't just go and get what ever booty he can. He has morals, unlike most guys today.

It's only happened once, I saw him last weekend and that was it. And who wouldn't want to see if something else is out there if they are about to step into a complete 100% tied down relationship when it's with the only person they have ever been with.

Like I said he's not like most guys, He's scared to death of sex, and he doesn't just go and get what ever booty he can. He has morals, unlike most guys today.

It's only happened once, I saw him last weekend and that was it. And who wouldn't want to see if something else is out there if they are about to step into a complete 100% tied down relationship when it's with the only person they have ever been with.

A committed person who is in love with the person they are with.

I'm just meaning, no one if hardly anyone, stays with the one person they have been with since their dating started, I'm all for him looking cause I know he won't find it. I know that sounds rude, but knowing him, how he is, his expectations, everything I know that no one out there is better, but the fact that he wants to make sure before all the things he wanted to do like he wanted to just proves he's human... Right?

I mean he wanted to move in, and get married later this year. Isn't it only natural to wonder if the ONE person you've ever been with is really the best?

It’s obvious that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Of course he wants a great big piece with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and a cherry on top. Why would you want to stay with a man who just keeps you around as a “booty” call?

If you enjoy being a friend who has sex, that's your prerogative, but chances are you are going to catch something nasty off this guy. It may be a broken heart but more likely will be a sexually transmitted disease. There are plenty of other men out there who will treat you well; but first you have to respect yourself. DUMP HIM!

Did you even read the whole thing before posting? I'm his only GF the only girl he's ever had sex with, the only one he's ever freaking kissed. So I have NO idea where the STD comes in to play.

It's not like we have sex on purpose either. We both visit each other thinking it will be a normal day, and then somehow it happens and after he says sorry, he's not sure why it feels to right, that he's not ready for a relationship with anyone, and that he's not trying to hurt me. But when he's with me everything feels natural and he considers coming back

Sounds like he doesn't even know what he wants. He wants to be with you, yet he doesn't. He loves you, but only parts of you. Sounds to me like he only wants to partake in your life when everything is perfect. If there is any problems, he's high tailing it out the door with an exuse of "I dont know how to explain it". Trust me... You are always able to explain how you feel. If he can't tell you verbally, have him write you a letter. Some people just can't face another person when it comes to feelings.

So would you consider your relationship over? Are you guys dating right now? Sometimes relationships need to be jump started every once in awhile.. is that what you both are looking for?

Quite honestly, I would never tell my boyfriend that its OK to look around and find someone else since I was his first. Its either me or no one. And if he chooses someone else, then sianara -- Hope he can find what he's looking for.

Stop trying to force a relationship to work. If you two don't want to be official but still want to be true to each other, that's fine... But no wandering eyes. And if I were you, I'd tell him that up front.

Thing work when we are together, but it's when we are apart things start to get weird.

Over vacation when we are at my house living together it's so much fun, as have great times, but when he's at school with the stress of school he feels weird and starts thinking.

I don't know what to consider us other then complicated. I want him to take time to miss me, and to give some spark, but he gets so sad when I'm not around that I feel bad about ignoring him

Then make him miss you. Play hard to get. Don't give in easily. If he really wants to be with you and love you... make him chase you. Make him earn everything that he gets from you.

I know its hard... and I know guys are the most complicated creature on earth, but letting him get his way is going to get both of you no where... and that's when the relationship will fizzle out for good.

Guys like a challenge... so challenge him. Make yourself interesting again.

It seems to be working in favor of us getting back together.

I don't wish to sound crude at all, but I know he will come back, it's just who he is, ever since we met in 7th grade. He loves me and we had this kind of "fairy tale" bond when we first saw and met each other, like we knew each other already. And it's one of the things we love about each other. But he's totally confused right now, and while some things are in favor of us getting back together, there are things that are making it hard.

I really wish I wouldn't have to make him work, cause he might just say I'm not worth it, while being his friend I will at least see him and get to know what he's thinking... you know?

For your own personal self and well being... You need to pick up and move on. If he wants to be with you, and if your so confident that he's going to come back to you, then ignore him. Like the old saying goes,

"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, then it was truely ment to be. If they dont, then it was never ment to be."

And see there's where it gets weird "If it's truly meant to be" When we let things go, and just relax, be ourselves, and stop worrying about things, it's like that's when everything is great, and when we get romantically involved.

I guess it will just have to come down to ignoring him

You are definitely in the denial stage, why came on this board and ask for peoples opinions, if when they give you there opinions, you tell them no that is not it. Well that is there opinion on the situation, so instead of denying everything theses great people say on the forums for advice, you should really take some of the advice in, save a lot of heart ache.
I got a question, IF NO OTHER GIRL WILL WANT THIS GUY, WHY DO YOU??
Must be a great catch that no other girl would want him.

They aren't attracted to him, and plus he's not one of those "bad guys" girls seem to go for. I've loved him for a long time, and accept everything that's wrong with him. I want him because I know how wonderful he is, and those girls don't want him for what ever reason they have.

I'm explaining why he's not like most guys, when people are using "most guys" And I'm not denying, I'm replying. There is a difference, I'm not saying "omg no no no" I'm agreeing, and giving more information in reply.

And I'm not sure if you know this, but you came off VERY hostile and threatening in your post. Might want to add a little nice to your post.

You need some hostileness to wake up and smell the coffee!
So every girl is the same and likes the same type of guy? Wow That is news to me. Hate to break it to you, but not every girl cares about looks, or wants that bad guy. Go walk in the mall, and count how many drop dead gorgeous girls are with unattractive males, there is TONS!
If you haven't noticed, nobody is really posting on your topic, besides one person, because any advice given to you, you just repel away. So most people will not even bother, because you are not listening to anyone.
By being his friend, you are not going to get to know what he is thinking, he will tell you just what you want to hear, or be so annoyed if your always asking him, what he is thinking, you will just push him away.
In my opinion you are clearly his back up plan while he moves on. And so you say your not worried , because he won't find anyone and just come back to you. So if he does come back to you, you are OK with that? Knowing that he obviouisly thought you weren't good enough and wanted to look for better out there? So you want to be with a man, where he is settling to be with you. If your relationship and love was soooo good and great, he would not be second guessing thinking there is better out there, or even wanting to experience someone else. Nobody would want to risk losing the love they had if it was THAT great!
So I hope you smell that coffee.
Please just move on,

Hes jerking your chain.

He is either committed or not. Not somewhere in the middle.

You should leave him alone, let him figure out what he wants.

Im questioning those morals you speak of.

I know its hard asking for advise. You're looking for the right answer, even though the right answer is completely wrong in your mind. You just need to take everything with a grain of salt and be happy :) Live for yourself.. Don't dwell on making him happy when he himself can't even be happy with the one person who he claims he loves.

A lot of great advise was given to you. Its up to you on how you want to receive that advise.

You are potentially walking away from a very long relationship. Its awkward, lonely and you're not sure if you are doing the right thing... But just do what is going to make you happy. Live your life... and be free. If he truly does want to be with you... He'll come around. Why waste your time on someone who is wishy-washy?

Morals as in he doesn't just go out and date around, have sex, or anything.

It takes him a while to even get close to a girl enough to date her. And most times he's the only one interested. Like with me, we didn't start dating until about a year of knowing each other. And even then we didn't do much in terms of touching, kissing or even sex. It took us a while to get that way, and it was all him not me.

You should look at the facts-he wants to see what else is out there whilst still keeping you in his life.
Is this fair on you?
No.

Your first reaction-ignoring him-was sound.

How much longer do you want to be a backup plan?

It's not like I feel horrible I mean I feel weird about it because We still love each other, but I don't see me as being a backup plan, I see me as his first plan and first priority but that he just wants to be sure.

We've been committed for 4 years, and he's never dated anyone, I think that by me have dated and learned what I want it's only fair for him to have the same thing.

It's not like I stopped my life, I'm still working, in college, and moving on, we are just keeping contact, and I don't think I want to do that. As much as it's in favor of us getting back together, I feel that if we keep contact it will just take longer, and he might not get a chance to miss me.

But my problem is, he hates it when I'm out of his life, he gets upset, and stuff. Not like clingy or crying, but he starts to e-mail me asking me why I'm not talking to him, and tells me how he doesn't want to lose me and stuff

Its not healthy if he is dependent on you. That's something to discuss in length


We've been committed for 4 years,

So where is the communications and honest expressions of feeling that lead to working together and build on the bonds between two people who are truly committed?

You have made a lot of excuses for his, and your behavior, that are not consistent with your original post. I find it very hard to believe that this guy (any guy) can be in a committed relationship for 4 years, and not want to stay together, and work together.

I think your making excuses, or in some sort of denial, that he has figured out how to get the milk without buying the cow. Plain, and simple, and no excuses will justify you allowing him to do so.

If you were serious about him seeing others to have the same opportunity as you have to find out what he wants, then you would have cut him off completely so he can explore without your influence.

Stop the excuses like your so in control when your not. You allow him to do what he does because your afraid if you don't, he walks away and finds someone else.

If he did, where would you be? Sorry to be blunt, but everything you have written after your original post is about fear, and the rest are excuses why its not.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.

You really need to stop being his option, until he gets his priorities straight, and any guy(or girl) that says they can't commit fully to a partner because they are not sure, is lying, just because they keep coming back.

Can't you see the contradiction you have been trying so hard to defend?

Yeah, we talk about it, but he has so many feelings for me and cares for me so much he doesn't want to be without me at least in some part of his life. That's always his reply, and even though I've told him he's like that and he knows in a way I like it. Bleh My whole relationship is weird with him

He knows you like it, and does it, and will continue to do it, as long as you allow it.

He is not the one who depends on this relationship, YOU are the dependent one, not him.

yeah, we talk about it, but he has so many feelings for me and cares for me so much he doesn't want to be without me at least in some part of his life. that's always his reply, and even though i've told him he's like that and he knows in a way i like it. Bleh My whole relationship is weird with him


Don't you feel used? For crying out loud are you one of those women who think you can, "fix him". Much too late. He is using you and you are an enabler by letting him do so. You should think more of yourself. Shame on you for being a doormat.