HELP!

Ok, here I go.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 11 months... ok right?

WRONG! I have never met her because I live about 120miles away... so why don't I just get on a train and see her? I always suggest it but when I do she says she dances on saturdays, has school during the week and sundays is a family day.

Also, she dancies ALL holidays EVERY holidays.

But she went on a mini break with her female mate for 2weeks but in her defence it was totally a surprise but she always tells me that she wants to see me but is too busy.

If I ask her if she is free, she says I'm trying to start problems and gets upset and this mood stays for months.

I am sure she loves me and I love her but recently we have argued and she seems less intimate with me. We argue over little things but this is only because I want to be with her soooo badly. I can't leave her because it would hurt so much.

Why won't she take ONE Saturday a month off to see me? I have asked and she told me to stop creating problems.

Does she want the love but not the commitment?

Finally how can I get her to see me?

Please... I am so confused and upset.

Thanks people and I hope no-one is feeling the pain I do right now.

First, I am so sorry you are in pain. Next, Calm down those emotions so you can think a little clearer. Being all spun up will never result in a good thought process. Okay, once you have calmed your emotions just a bit, I would then read your very own words what you posted here. Read it several times as though somebody else wrote it to you.

Personally, she does seem to be a bit evasive and I really have no clue as to why. I am more concerned with you and the pain you are feeling.

I most definitely, would take 3 steps back and if you can, make it 4 steps back. I would not ask to see her again and I would pull back as much as you can to obtain a healthy balance for your internal emotions.

You asked, "how can I get her to see me?" You really can't get a grown adult to do anything unless she is willing to.

To summarize, take a deep breath, read your very own words here, several times if you have to, take a couple of moments to really soak in your own words.

Phelp, this may not be the answers you were looking for but I am hoping for your sake, it is a good place to start.

I truly am so sorry for your pain. We all have been hurt deeply in one form or another, and are survivors, it does ease, I promise you.

I'm sorry, but something's very wrong here. So you've never actually met face-to-face, not even once in almost a year of correspondence? If that's true, you have an imaginary relationship, not a real one. I suspect that the reason she doesn't want to meet you is that she hasn't been honest about who she is. This is a hard thing to accept, but I'm afraid she's played you, and now doesn't know how to get out of the mess she's made. Allheart is right about stepping back, but I'd say 3 or 4 steps isn't nearly far enough. You've gone WAY out on a limb here, and you need to get back on solid ground and rebuild your own sanity. The sooner you break it off and get back to your own center the sooner you can find a real person to love.

Sorry to tell you this but what you have is a fantasy of a relationship, but there is no relationship there. There was no going out, it does not really exist. Instead of being sad and upset about it you should be feeling free and happy.

Joe

Are you for real? She's probably a 54-year old MAN who is just tugging you along for a fun ride in which he gets his giggles off to at work and tells his co-workers about. You've been in an imaginary relationship for nearly a year? Please don't tell me that you've actually been faithful to "her" all this time.

This sounds like a joke question... lol. Because if it's true, we truly live in a sad and messed up world.

Hi Phelpsie,
I'd have to agree with Joe and Ordinary Guy -- from personal experience. I've been through this scenario twice myself.
The first time was with a woman who lived on the other side of the country, a few thousand miles away. We became very involved, instant messaged each other for 8-12 hours nearly every night, talked on the phone, exchanged gifts by mail... I regularly talked to her parents, her nephew, her best friend... After many months, we began making plans for her to fly out to the East coast for a week's vacation in a couple of local bed and breakfasts.
Shortly after we began solidifying these plans, things began to change. She once again found religion, she got back with her ex, and she decided to use the portion of money she'd saved to pay off some debts. After then not talking to me much for a period, she suddenly began talking of me visiting the West coast strictly on a platonic basis. Though I still cared greatly for her, things had changed far too much, and eventually we lost touch entirely.
During this time I was in college. Due to the time difference between us, I was routinely attending classes on two hours sleep. And I nearly destroyed my education at the time as a result.
A couple of years back, I again entered a prolonged exchange with a woman from Russia. I was even serious enough at the time that I began a concerted effort to learn her language. After only 5 months, she began to talk about marriage. She discussed plans to visit me that summer.
Well, to make a long story short, this "relationship" ended when she mailed me a photo of a fake (stolen) visa in an attempt to scam me for airline fare. It was an R1 visa, designated for religious workers -- she claimed to be a dentist -- bearing tell-tale shadows of having been scanned in multiple parts. Though I once considered her an angel, I simply wasn't buying it. I may be gullible, but only to a point. :)
Hard as it might be, I would walk away now. There is someone better suited out there, and likely in your area.
Take care. :)

The real question is, why not go out and meet women in bars/clubs, etc? Real women... right in front of you... that you can talk to? Why do the whole long-distance e-relationship thing? Just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, it's one thing to have a long-distance relationship AFTER you've already met... but to never have met at all... that's kind of strange. Don't mean to offend, but that's my honest opinion.

I think the real appeal with online "relationships" is the hope that someone will come to like you more for your personality first -- assuming people are honest -- as opposed to simply looks, wealth or material possessions. Though, I myself am quite definitively done going the long distance route. I've never really been into the club or bar scene, but I'm relatively through with any kind of online dating, local ads or elsewise. :)

Everyone who has posted has given some good explainations of what the situation is and why its like that... but here's something you can actively do to change things... judging by your post you sounds pretty desperate and seem like you are ALWAYS begging to talk to her and hear from her or what not. This behaviour has most likely diminished any atraction she had towards you
Try not to pay so so much undying attention and be a man, sorry if it sounded harsh, its really the truth

You got played to the max, and you deserve it. If you keep down this road, you will get played again. You need to take a real look at yourself, and make a few changes that will keep you from falling for every dumb line that females can come up with. You need to work on your manhood and find out who you are, and what YOU are about, so you don't fall for that OKEY DOKE again. Yes I'm jumping on your case because you need it. Now work on yourself and leave the women alone until you can get some MAN about you.

By the way the best place to meet females is a grocery store. When you get yourself together , go shopping.

Sadly, imaginary relationships don't cause imaginary pain. To risk your heart online is to take some very real, deck-stacked-against-you chances since who you hook up with might not be who they seem. How is it you are old enough to get into an online relationship and not know that? I am asking this sincerely, not just rhetorically, okay? This is the sort of thing a 12 year old might do... so I am curious about your age and if its older, how you managed to remain so naïve.

I am confused as to how people can fall in love over the internet. I believe that you can form a friendship, a close one at that. But a relationship is so much more then words written on a screen, or said over the phone. And I am not just talking about the physical aspects of a relationship. There is a closeness that grows when you share day to day aspects of life, family gatherings, and fun times on a date.

I agree with Valinors sorrow here. I would love to know the age of the author of the post.

My best friend in though WHOLE world is in a long distance relationship and they met on the internet. He lives in Hays Kansas and she lives in Columbus Ohio. They went out for a year before they met but they did meet and spent a couple of weeks together. I do believe that your relationship can work out so don't lose hope on that part.

I can't say I know what you're going through because I haven't experienced it myself but I did see the pain it caused my friend when she couldn't physically be with him. If I were in your shoes I would probably give her the ultimatum. Either she come see you, she lets you go see her, you guys meet half way or you can't do this anymore. If she truly loves you as you say she does then she'll work something out. I know that in the back of your mind you might be thinking "what if she doesnt go for it?" If that's the case then you have a lot to think about.

Keep in mind though that she might just be scared or insecure. My friend almost canceled her trip because she didn't think she was pretty enough but she wanted to figure out if this relationship was going to work or not so she took the chance. Maybe before you give your girl the ultimatum try to talk to her. Let her know up front that your not trying to piss her off or start an argument but that you want this relationship to be open and honest. Tell her exactly how you feel and don't sugar coat it she deserves the truth just as you do too.

I am 18

We have had massive argument.

I do love her.

She has basically said change or she will not love me

I have become too clingy etc

Phelpsie-
If someone is forcing you to change then they don't love you for you.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with a person who does not love the real you?

i am 18

we have had massive arguement.

i do love her.

she has basically said change or she will not love me

i have become too clingy etc
Stop wasting your time and get a real person to talk to. THIS IS NOT LOVE, its sick! Get help and turn off that computer.

I can't say i know what youre going through because i havent experienced it myself but i did see the pain it caused my friend when she couldnt physically be with him.

This is an excellent point here. This is the absolute worst part, the feeling of total helplessness at being able to do relatively little, even by phone, when the person is going through tougher times. That alone is something that I personally, do not care to ever really experience again.

i am 18

we have had massive arguement.

i do love her.

she has basically said change or she will not love me

i have become too clingy etc

I agree, if she's asking you to change, she probably doesn't really love you, at least not unconditionally.
Clingy? Over the Internet? While I agree this might be possible in some very odd regard, yet I feel this would to denote some serious intimacy issues on her part as well. And perhaps this is why she has chosen to try to form a relationship over the net, "safe" attention. To a great degree, wholly on her terms.

Hi there,

I have to agree with all the advice given here. This woman is really messing with you and I would say to get the strength to break away before she hurts and makes a fool of you anymore. Read what you have wrote and look at everyone else's response which are really singing the same theme. Good luck and you will meet someone but preferably someone you can meet face to face regularly.

If you have never met - forget it. This is sick. 11 months and no meeting?? Weird.

The whole point of meeting on the internet is to get together as soon as possible and see.

She is HIDING something. Big time.

This is fake. It's NOT healthy at all.

I also think she may be getting her jollies about this.

You CAN'T love someoen you've never met!! Weird.

My advice for you is to go seek conseling - you have some massive issues here. There is nothiing between the two of you.

You can't live your whole life, especially your love life behind a 17 inch colour monitor and a keyboard.

This is not love, not even close! In fact, I think it edges more towards the fantasy of having a relationship than anything else.

I know these comments might hurt a little because the picture may seem to have different colours from the angle your viewing it but you must understand that this is very unhealthy.

You cannot love someone you have never met, and chatting like this really does not count!

If this was going to materialise into anything more than simply chatting on the internet, she would have invited that situation to happen by now.. What has she done when you brought up this issue? simply said "no!" more or less.

I don't mean to sound rude, (I only want to help) but if you have never met her, then for all you know she could either be married or worse, it could be a bloke.

Go out and find someone in the real world who can appreciate you for who you really are... In the flesh as well as in the mind..

Plenty of fish in this sea!

I'd end this now!!

Find an actual real available woman.

Have you even spoken on the phone?

You're 18 and you have had a massive argument? Weird. :confused:

How do you have a massive argument over the internet? :eek:

She says she wants you to change or she is going to leave you? How can she leave you when you haven't even met?

Dump this ordeal and seek some help. This is too mess up. Your only 18. This could be a real coooooook on
The other end. :cool:

Nice one BIM,

I did not catch on to the age thing..

You are 18, you need to go out and have fun, enjoy life...

Too young to be obsessing over this.

Obsess over your Youth instead and what you have to enjoy out of life. Don't waste any more time on this.

In fact, go and call a few friends right now!

Mind you, that's just advice, you do what you feel is best for you! It's your life!

For those who cannot take the reality of face-to-face, the internet provides a way to create a relationship of sorts. It can be largely fantasy-based but capable of blurring the line between fantasy and reality to the point where people can and do get hurt. For some it is the only way to seek love because they can lie to get it -- they can be someone other than who they are in the eyes of another, at least for a little while... until the game is up. That she won't meet you is proof enough that this is all she wanted since almost anyone else who claims to love you would have had a BIG natural desire to meet in person. There is where you can separate the real from the fake. Time to recognise you've been schmoozed and learn the lesson... unless of course you've been schmoozing her back. Then it makes sense and you deserve each other.

But I don't think you can do an end-run around Love like that - Love requires Honesty to work... and you don't have either if you can't meet.

HELP!!

Ok, here i go.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 11 months....ok right?

WRONG! I have never met her because i live about 120miles away...so why dont i just get on a train and see her? I always suggest it but when i do she says she dances on saturdays, has school during the week and sundays is a family day.

Also, she dancies ALL holidays EVERY holidays.

But she went on a mini break with her female mate for 2weeks but in her defence it was totally a surprise but she always tells me that she wants to see me but is too busy.

If i ask her if she is free, she says im trying to start problems and gets upset and this mood stays for months.

I am sure she loves me and i love her but recently we have argued and she seems less intimate with me. We argue over little things but this is only because i want to be with her soooo badly. I can't leave her because it would hurt so much.

Why won't she take ONE saturday a month off to see me? i have asked and she told me to stop creating problems.

Does she want the love but not the commitment?

Finally how can i get her to see me?

Please....i am so confused and upset.

Thanks people and i hope no-one is feeling the pain i do right now.



Your biggest mistake is in thinking that this lassie is your girlfriend. She is not. She is your cyber pen-pal.


Have you not heard that a bird in the hand is worth two in the chatroom?

M:)

This is someone you've never met. Yet you claim to "love" her. I highly doubt that she sees this as any kind of viable "relationship." She probably regards you as some sort of cyber pen-pal. I'm sorry, but I think you and she have totally different ideas and expectations concerning this "relationship." I'd leave this one to just exchanging friendly e-mails and nothing more and concentrate on someone more approachable.

We have spoken on the phone and such but... she seems to always have an excuse not to meet. Then we argue over why we can't meet so she asks me never to brong it up and she will tell me when she is free.

I'm just going to get on a train and see her in 2weeks... ill let you all know how it went and thanks everyone!!

I know people who have met on the internet and married so I don't think the concept is that off. But this girl must be hiding something if she keeps making excuses to meet. Either she's too young to want what you want, or she is seeing somebody else already, or she's hiding something about her physical appearance. You might just be disappointed if you take it upon yourself to hop on a train and see her. Might be for the best though. It might get you over her since she won't put in the same effort as you.

1. Get off the internet and take your woman-nabbing skills to places where you can find a sure thing.

2. Stop trying to force a physical contact relationship with her. Sorry to say, but to her, you are that one guy online she can get attention from, and probably the only guy.

3. If she really wanted something, she would try. Best to cut your losses before you meet in person.

In going I hope you are prepared for what you find.
Best of luck

we have spoken on the phone and such but....she seems to always have an excuse not to meet. then we argue over why we can't meet so she asks me never to brong it up and she will tell me when she is free.

im just going to get on a train and see her in 2weeks....ill let you all know how it went and thanks every1!!!


She evidently does not want to know. You have nothing here. At best a fantasy of something you see as a reality. (sorry if my words seem harsh)

It's up to you what you do, but you are setting yourself up for hitting your face hard against the wall of reality.

And judging by how much you are investing in this emotionally, I believe it might very well hurt you too.

Be prepared for what you find and also be prepared for the kind of reaction you get because again, judging by what you have said in this response, she is either not aware you are going to visit her or not agreed to it. Either way, I would be inclinced to say that you are in a lose/lose situation.

Do yourself a favour and cut free from this... Like I said before, you are only 18, go out and enjoy yourself, study hard. Plenty of time for girls and if you really want a girlfriend now, it would be better to get one in the real world, would it not?

I applaud you going if that is what will bring you closure. Just remember -- when it looks like a lie, and it sounds like a lie and it feels like a lie, don't be too surprised when it turns out to be a lie, okay? I rather suspect you'll get there and if you have an address, it won't be hers, or she'll still refuse to show herself etc. -- so there is always that outcome too.

I feel some of these responses are a bit harsh, I so feel for you. You probably know yourself that you have been naïve and not everyone else is as honest as you are which is a great quality. I do have to agree with everyone else though, you don't know who you are speaking to so get out now. It will hurt for a while but you just have to go through it and hopefully you will come out the other side a new man. All the best, my thoughts are with you.

I agree with Val on this one also. If you want to go surprise this gal--than more power to you. By all means go, if it will bring you some relief. You said she was two hours away? Not much of a sacrifice to ease your mind.

But also as Val said, be prepared for what you may find! :cool: If she is not willing to meet up with you--she is definitely hiding something!

Good luck to you and I hope this brings some closure for you.:)

I do think you need to just go and find out about her - you've put way too much emotions not to.

But I agree - be prepared for what you might find. NO EXPECTATIONS WHAT SO EVER!!

Please let us no what happens.