No one in my family has ever divorced. I totally do not even know how to begin the process. What will it do to my senior in HS and my almost 11 year old? I can't BEAR the thought of not seeing them everyday. It will be a stuation where my husband will want time with them to be 50/50, nothing less. There's so many people out there that have a good reason for divorce like cheating, etc. but that is not the case here. Just irreconciliable differences. I just don't know if I'm mentally prepared to take this or not. He will not file; it would make him look bad he says. So I will have to do it. If the judge hands me down a blow to me, I think I would just fall apart and have to be committed. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. There is no love between us anymore so his feelings are mutual. He is vindictive and very witty and also strong-willed and self-disciplined. He would be able to put on a great show... while I would be faliing apart. My dad passed away on the 10th and during visitation and the funeral he never touched me, put his arm around me, or even told me he was sorry for me. So this gives you a better idea of what I'm dealing with here. I feel like my stomach is a blender. HELP!

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My suggestion would be that you take this process, if it's what you really want, one step at a time.

Go and talk to a counselor or legal adviser and ask them what the steps are. Most western countries have no fault divorce. (Not sure about USA, in Australia, you have to have been separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce - in Oz you can organize the financial and custodial arrangements in the meantime 'tho.)

Clearly there are changes that you will need to adjust to - so counseling might be a sensible and comforting first option. You may also be able to express your grief about the loss of your father as well as discuss your feelings about spending less time without your children, which sounds like a prospective second grief and loss for you.

Once you're clearer in your own mind about your feelings and your options, then you can talk to your children and your husband. It's a big decision to make, but perhaps now is the time to get advice and do some thinking rather than taking action.

No one in my family has ever divorced. I totally do not even know how to begin the process. What will it do to my senior in HS and my almost 11 year old? I can't BEAR the thought of not seeing them everyday. It will be a stuation where my husband will want time with them to be 50/50, nothing less. There's so many ppl out there that have a good reason for divorce like cheating, etc. but that is not the case here. Just irreconciliable differences. I just don't know if I'm mentally prepared to take this or not. He will not file; it would make him look bad he says. So i will have to do it. If the judge hands me down a blow to me, I think I would just fall apart and have to be committed. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. There is no love between us anymore so his feelings are mutual. He is vindictive and very witty and also strong-willed and self-disciplined. he would be able to put on a great show...while I would be faliing apart. My dad passed away on the 10th and during visitation and the funeral he never touched me, put his arm around me, or even told me he was sorry for me. So this gives you a better idea of what I'm dealing with here. I feel like my stomach is a blender. HELP!


For starters, I'm very sorry for all this. I can speak with some experience on the subject, as I've had to go through two divorces myself. With two young daughters involved. There is not one good thing about it at all. No one comes out ahead, everyone loses, nothing is gained. Property is divided, families are torn apart, children are hurt and confused. Need I continue?
I'm sure you know all that... but take it as a very dire warning... you wrote your reasoning is "irreconcilible differences"... the familiar jargon coined by divorce lawyers who make oodles of money from the scam of divorce court proceedings. Lawyers are the ONLY winners...
I know none of this helps... but having been through it all, and having stood where you are right now, certainly makes me hurt for you, but mostly for your innocent children. I wonder if you might try to consider one thing... primarily for their sakes... you wrote that your youngest is eleven now... that means seven more years till the house is quiet again. Is it even remotely possible, that you and your husband, sit down, either alone or with relatives/church leaders, etc. and try to hang on till that time, so that your children will be much more adept at handling such a disaster in their lives? You know... when I hear the word divorce, as I did myself... I think back... there was a time when you and your husband no doubt loved each other... you couldn't wait to be together... then, you married, maybe it was the greatest day in your life.. then, two innocent, unsuspecting children came into being... now they are about to endure a living hell, because mom and dad don't see eye to eye anymore. Loving parents can certainly see the unfairness of it all. How would we personally have handled a divorce of our own parents when we were young? It no doubt would have torn us up. I sure wish you could do something, anything, to keep that from happening again. You're right, everything will have to be split up, personal belongings, the comforts of the home, the home itself, your life, everyone's life that is in any way associated to your families... will be torn apart. I know about men... that attitude your husband has... I know because I'm a man too! But trust me, that does NOT make me an unfeeling or uncaring person. Two divorces, and both wives filed, both for different things. Both divorces were wrong and should never have been. Our children are grown and gone now, but they suffered beyond measure, and relationships in EVERY direction were strained, and will never, ever be the same again.
If it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile, even for the sakes of your children, then I would suggest you and hubby sit down and work out a concise plan of action, one where NO ONE HURTS ANY OTHER... no vengeful actions, no using children as weapons, no underhanded head games... My first wife and I had the two children, when we separated, we talked at length, promising to NEVER hurt each other beyond the actual divorce... we were very young when we married, she was pregnant, and that was not the way to start a life... it went downhill from there, but we held the children absolutely sacred, and it went about as smooth as it could possibly be expected. We were the fortunate ones. Most divorced couples will fight, cuss, rip and tear, bad mouth the other, publicly and privately, even in front of the kids, even using them as weapons against each other... and all for what? To get EVEN? How "second grade"... Your children no doubt love you AND dad... and are hardly ready for what's ahead. They will look to you both, they will count on you to be the steady rock for them when they need you. Its up to you and dad to be there for them. If it were just you and the hubby, the pain would not be anywhere's so intense.
One other thing... Stress is one of the WORST adversaries in our lives. It takes a terrible toll on us, mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and most definitely, monetarily... you need to stand strong. When your 'stomach is in knots'... you're virtually subtracting years from your existence. It can be read in your face like a book. Try to remember this... everything that we have to endure in our personal and collective lives, will eventually pass. There is a day coming when you'll look back and take a deep breath and it will seem like a dream.
Be strong, for your kids, for your relatives and friends, and for you. And at least TRY to work out some kind of amicable understanding between you both. Two innocent children are counting on you. And when all else fails, you COULD ask the Good Lord for direction. That's where most people go when they're at their wits end... just unfortunate we wait so long...

I'll be thinking of you...

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My suggestion would be that you take this process, if it's what you really want, one step at a time.

Go and talk to a counselor or legal adviser and ask them what the steps are. Most western countries have no fault divorce. (Not sure about USA, in Australia, you have to have been separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce - in Oz you can organize the financial and custodial arrangements in the meantime 'tho.)

Clearly there are changes that you will need to adjust to - so counseling might be a sensible and comforting first option. You may also be able to express your grief about the loss of your father as well as discuss your feelings about spending less time without your children, which sounds like a prospective second grief and loss for you.

Once you're clearer in your own mind about your feelings and your options, then you can talk to your children and your husband. It's a big decision to make, but perhaps now is the time to get advice and do some thinking rather than taking action.

I totally agree. I've already decided on counseling for me and possibly the kids. He doesn't want marriage counseling. I've begged him to go to no avail... :(

For starters, I'm very sorry for all this. I can speak with some experience on the subject, as I've had to go thru two divorces myself. With two young daughters involved. There is not one good thing about it at all. No one comes out ahead, everyone loses, nothing is gained. Property is divided, families are torn apart, children are hurt and confused. Need I continue??
I'm sure you know all that... but take it as a very dire warning... you wrote your reasoning is "irreconcilible differences".... the familiar jargon coined by divorce lawyers who make oodles of money from the scam of divorce court proceedings. Lawyers are the ONLY winners...
I know none of this helps... but having been thru it all, and having stood where you are right now, certainly makes me hurt for you, but mostly for your innocent children. I wonder if you might try to consider one thing... primarily for their sakes.... you wrote that your youngest is eleven now.... that means seven more years till the house is quiet again. Is it even remotely possible, that you and your husband, sit down, either alone or with relatives/church leaders, etc., and try to hang on till that time, so that your children will be much more adept at handling such a disaster in their lives? You know... when I hear the word divorce, as I did myself... I think back... there was a time when you and your husband no doubt loved each other... you couldn't wait to be together... then, you married, maybe it was the greatest day in your life.. then, two innocent, unsuspecting children came into being.... now they are about to endure a living hell, because mom and dad don't see eye to eye anymore. Loving parents can certainly see the unfairness of it all. How would we personally have handled a divorce of our own parents when we were young? It no doubt would have torn us up. I sure wish you could do something, anything, to keep that from happening again. You're right, everything will have to be split up, personal belongings, the comforts of the home, the home itself, your life, everyone's life that is in any way associated to your families... will be torn apart. I know about men... that attitude your husband has.... I know because I'm a man too! But trust me, that does NOT make me an unfeeling or uncaring person. Two divorces, and both wives filed, both for different things. Both divorces were wrong and should never have been. Our children are grown and gone now, but they suffered beyond measure, and relationships in EVERY direction were strained, and will never, ever be the same again.
If it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile, even for the sakes of your children, then I would suggest you and hubby sit down and work out a concise plan of action, one where NO ONE HURTS ANY OTHER... no vengeful actions, no using children as weapons, no underhanded head games.... My first wife and I had the two children, when we seperated, we talked at length, promising to NEVER hurt each other beyond the actual divorce... we were very young when we married, she was pregnant, and that was not the way to start a life... it went downhill from there, but we held the children absolutely sacred, and it went about as smooth as it could possibly be expected. We were the fortunate ones. Most divorced couples will fight, cuss, rip and tear, bad mouth the other, publically and privately, even in front of the kids, even using them as weapons against each other...and all for what? To get EVEN? How "second grade".... Your children no doubt love you AND dad... and are hardly ready for what's ahead. They will look to you both, they will count on you to be the steady rock for them when they need you. Its up to you and dad to be there for them. If it were just you and the hubby, the pain would not be anywhere's so intense.
One other thing... Stress is one of the WORST adversaries in our lives. It takes a terrible toll on us, mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and most definitely, monetarily.... you need to stand strong. When your 'stomach is in knots'... you're virtually subtracting years from your existance. It can be read in your face like a book. Try to remember this... everything that we have to endure in our personal and collective lives, will eventually pass. There is a day coming when you'll look back and take a deep breath and it will seem like a dream.
Be strong, for your kids, for your relatives and friends, and for you. And at least TRY to work out some kind of amicable understanding between you both. Two innocent children are counting on you. And when all else fails, you COULD ask the Good Lord for direction. Thats where most people go when they're at their wits end... just unfortunate we wait so long....

I'll be thinking of you....

I know that post took a LOT of your time and I appreciate that. Yes, I have thought of waiting the 7years. I have thought of just ignoring him because a missed a spot on the table I just dusted, etc. The clincher is he is trying to turn the kids against me. They will say phrases that came from him because I've heard them too many times from him. I tried to explain to my youngest that I know he is caught in the middle; no one likes that. I made up this analogy: there is a long bridge between 2 mountains that are 10,000 ft above sea level. I know you don't want to be on that scary "bridge" so you feel like you have to run to one side or another. My husband can be convincing kniving.He is one smart cookie. He's right and everyone else is wrong; I try so hard to keep my mouth shut. Then along comes yet another "jab". He finds fault in everything I do. So this makes it REAL tough to live in the same house...

Can you leave this hell bath of a home?

You might break before the papers are even started,where will you be if he succeeds in doing that?

I feel your pain and seething hate he expresses,I was very similar to him, back when I was married, sorry, it is what it is:(

I learned in time that I wasn't the great person I thought I was, it was a smoke screen.Maybe he'll learn that too,someday.

The children,they will ALWAYS need a mother, you are not replaceable,no matter what he might say to them,try to convince them, they aren't stupid, kids find the truth and make their own minds up about the lies, mine have, it took many years,but they both see now what they were told wasn't 100% the truth.

The loss of your father and this all coming to a head at the same time, wow, your head is full of conflicts and deep feelings,I'd bet.

Take a look at this site, Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm) it is about helping you identify and cope with a loss like you have had.

And this site, Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm) ,It's my personal favorite, setting boundaries to protect yourself from others attacks.. please read them,they are both very good sites.

For starters, I'm very sorry for all this. I can speak with some experience on the subject, as I've had to go thru two divorces myself. With two young daughters involved. There is not one good thing about it at all. No one comes out ahead, everyone loses, nothing is gained. Property is divided, families are torn apart, children are hurt and confused. Need I continue??
I'm sure you know all that... but take it as a very dire warning... you wrote your reasoning is "irreconcilible differences".... the familiar jargon coined by divorce lawyers who make oodles of money from the scam of divorce court proceedings. Lawyers are the ONLY winners...
I know none of this helps... but having been thru it all, and having stood where you are right now, certainly makes me hurt for you, but mostly for your innocent children. I wonder if you might try to consider one thing... primarily for their sakes.... you wrote that your youngest is eleven now.... that means seven more years till the house is quiet again. Is it even remotely possible, that you and your husband, sit down, either alone or with relatives/church leaders, etc., and try to hang on till that time, so that your children will be much more adept at handling such a disaster in their lives? You know... when I hear the word divorce, as I did myself... I think back... there was a time when you and your husband no doubt loved each other... you couldn't wait to be together... then, you married, maybe it was the greatest day in your life.. then, two innocent, unsuspecting children came into being.... now they are about to endure a living hell, because mom and dad don't see eye to eye anymore. Loving parents can certainly see the unfairness of it all. How would we personally have handled a divorce of our own parents when we were young? It no doubt would have torn us up. I sure wish you could do something, anything, to keep that from happening again. You're right, everything will have to be split up, personal belongings, the comforts of the home, the home itself, your life, everyone's life that is in any way associated to your families... will be torn apart. I know about men... that attitude your husband has.... I know because I'm a man too! But trust me, that does NOT make me an unfeeling or uncaring person. Two divorces, and both wives filed, both for different things. Both divorces were wrong and should never have been. Our children are grown and gone now, but they suffered beyond measure, and relationships in EVERY direction were strained, and will never, ever be the same again.
If it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile, even for the sakes of your children, then I would suggest you and hubby sit down and work out a concise plan of action, one where NO ONE HURTS ANY OTHER... no vengeful actions, no using children as weapons, no underhanded head games.... My first wife and I had the two children, when we seperated, we talked at length, promising to NEVER hurt each other beyond the actual divorce... we were very young when we married, she was pregnant, and that was not the way to start a life... it went downhill from there, but we held the children absolutely sacred, and it went about as smooth as it could possibly be expected. We were the fortunate ones. Most divorced couples will fight, cuss, rip and tear, bad mouth the other, publically and privately, even in front of the kids, even using them as weapons against each other...and all for what? To get EVEN? How "second grade".... Your children no doubt love you AND dad... and are hardly ready for what's ahead. They will look to you both, they will count on you to be the steady rock for them when they need you. Its up to you and dad to be there for them. If it were just you and the hubby, the pain would not be anywhere's so intense.
One other thing... Stress is one of the WORST adversaries in our lives. It takes a terrible toll on us, mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and most definitely, monetarily.... you need to stand strong. When your 'stomach is in knots'... you're virtually subtracting years from your existance. It can be read in your face like a book. Try to remember this... everything that we have to endure in our personal and collective lives, will eventually pass. There is a day coming when you'll look back and take a deep breath and it will seem like a dream.
Be strong, for your kids, for your relatives and friends, and for you. And at least TRY to work out some kind of amicable understanding between you both. Two innocent children are counting on you. And when all else fails, you COULD ask the Good Lord for direction. Thats where most people go when they're at their wits end... just unfortunate we wait so long....

I'll be thinking of you....

Also wanted to add that even we're under the same roof doesn't mean that our family is not already torn apart and kids hurt and confused. No I'm not proud to admit that. But you also have to look at it this way: They already have those burdens PLUS the constant strife in the house. I try really hard to keep my mouth shut when my kids disrespect me or my husband is doing his usual "crap" of trying to turn them to "his side" to try and get me going. This is just a different perspective on those thoughts, that's all... :)

Also wanted to add that even we're under the same roof doesn't mean that our family is not already torn apart and kids hurt and confused. No I'm not proud to admit that. But you also have to look at it this way: They already have those burdens PLUS the constant strife in the house. I try really hard to keep my mouth shut when my kids disrespect me or my husband is doing his usual "crap" of trying to turn them to "his side" to try and get me going. This is just a different perspective on those thoughts, that's all...:)

Also you said "7 more years until the house is quiet again." Yeah, 7 more years until the kids don't have to be involved in the household strife. But what makes you think that after this the house will be "quiet again". I did not add that I have lost 25 lbs in the last year and I was really not overweight before that. I feel like I'm having/have had numerous breakdowns; I can't do this for 7 more years or I will probably be dead from a heart attack, stroke, etc.

I am friends with a man (just friends) that has been married for about 20 years. He and his wife have seven children together, ranging from early elementary age to high school age. They lived in the same house for years but on different levels. Now they have been living 30 minutes apart for at least 4 years. He is paying her rent, paying her car payment (nice one too) and her cell phone bill. I am writing this on his behalf because he does not have a computer, and I would like to know some opinions on this situation. She was cheating on him with more than one man, was not being a good mother, gone all the time, and he said he basically threw her out. He said that's why he feels that he needs to pay for those things, because he threw her out. She works a low paying part-time job. He said it would be fine with him if he never saw or heard from her again, but doesn't want to hurt the kids. She gets up, drives the half hour 4 days a week and arrives at his house right after he leaves for work (she does not want to see him period) to get them on the bus. He said she visits them on Monday afternoons, and that's all they see from her. He wants to divorce her but is afraid if he does she will be awarded some type of custody of the kids, which would mean he would have to pay her a lot of child support, but things would stay the same as far as them living with him and her seeing them (her choice). Then after she "takes him to the cleaners" by getting all that child support that she wouldn't be using on the kids (cause they'd still be with him), he would not have much left to raise them on since they actually would still be with him. She doesn't want him or these kids, that's plain to see. SHe knows she's got him between a rock and a hard place. He said she will never file first because of her "good life". I asked him why he was giving it to her. He said because of the kids and because he kicked HER out. Well who the heck wouldn't? I think it is very sad for the kidsto be rejected by their mom and him because he feels trapped and like he will never be able to be happy again with someone else. I told him you can be loved someday and have the kids. I hate to see him waste his life away. I just find it hard to believe that things would pan out this good for her. They both live in Indiana. What do you all think of this? Could this really happen? He is 42 now. The clock is ticking for him. He said he would settle for full custody or joint physical/residential custody, but that doesn't mean he would get it he thinks. I don't see how the courts would allow this to happen after living with him all these years. What do you think of this? Could this really happen? I suggested a lawyer. I think he just does not want to put the kids through a nasty divorce either.I know, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Give me some advice, and I will let him read this or relay it to him. Thanks!:)

Me, I think a clean or even messy divorce would be better for the kids than years of messy separation with married mom running around with other men while Dad sits at home alone footing all the bills. To me that sends a very wrong message to the kids. So, stop hiding behind the kids and grow a pair, and then take stock of your assets and see a good lawyer. Proceed as recommended.

Also, he's currently paying all her bills, but is afraid of possible child support?

You know, even now she's taking him to the cleaners, if she doesn't want the kids then she doesn't have to take them, but if she wants them just for the child support then that's a tough call because a great deal of the time, the court gives primary custody to the mother. He still has a chance, He just needs solid proof and enough courage to realize that it's better to just get it over with then let her walk all over him. I hope he gets his kids, and I wish him luck.

They are already "divorced" in the meaning that they no longer live together, he is just being really cheated on what he is paying out most likely.

There is no reason he can't get joint custody, and if he is and has had them for a number of years most likely he will keep them.

He needs to move on with his life and cut the ties. This is , in my opinion, worst on the kids as a full divorce would be.

I don't mean to be rude, but this is none of your business. Whether to separate, or stay married, or go to court, should be the private business between him and his lawyer, and her and her lawyer.

You know only one side of the story, and I presume you've never even met his wife.

Just my opinion here, but you sound like more than just 'friends'.

If he hasn't already had legal advise (which I doubt after so much time- perhaps he is just not telling you), he should seek an hour with an attorney to know what his options and responsibilities are.

Guessing at what may or may not happen won't solve anything.

Me, I think a clean or even messy divorce would be better for the kids than years of messy separation with married mom running around with other men while Dad sits at home alone footing all the bills. To me that sends a very wrong message to the kids. So, stop hiding behind the kids and grow a pair, and then take stock of your assets and see a good lawyer. Proceed as recommended.

Also, he's currently paying all her bills, but is afraid of possible child support?

No, no, he's not afraid of paying child support-no deadbeat dad here! He wants those kids to stay with him. He's afraid SHE will take the child support money she will be awarded after the divorce (which she will get awarded unless the court gives her NO access to the kids whatsoever which would not happen), continue to live her "life of luxury" with no kids, just like now and he'd still be raising them with a LOT less money. We think this is the only reason why she even keeps any kind of contact with them-so she can say she is contributing to raising them by doing as little as possible. Like he said, no mom wants to admit she doesn't want her kids. Now do you understand? :)

I don't mean to be rude, but this is none of your business. Whether to separate, or stay married, or go to court, should be the private business between him and his lawyer, and her and her lawyer.

You know only one side of the story, and I presume you've never even met his wife.

Just my opinion here, but you sound like more than just 'friends'.

If he hasn't already had legal advise (which I doubt after so much time- perhaps he is just not telling you), he should seek an hour with an attorney to know what his options and responsibilities are.

Guessing at what may or may not happen won't solve anything.

To finish my comment on agree/disagree: I have heard that this is exactly what is going on from trustworthy sources without him around. And he made it my business when he shared it with me. No I don't know his wife, but I can tell you she is pathetic because she wants that child support money and no kids. He told me that himself. I think he ought to know... I'd be willing to bet that you'd never had made the "none of your business" comment if it were a female friend of mine sharing this with me, huh?

You should read the rules of the forum first off. You don't give a 'reddie' for an OPINION. I was stating my opinion, take it or leave it. You are presenting third party information on a 'friend', who has himself not posted his own question about his own problems. My answer was based accordingly.

I think you should really mind your own business, and let him solve his problems with his wife. Just my opinion.

Your sarcasm because you didn't get the answer you were expecting, happens often, and the person asking the question, turns on those giving answers.

Try to accept that not everybody will agree with what you are doing, what your impressions of your 'friends' actions, or situation is, nor believe what you say about his wife to be true, simply because you say so.

well you're wrong, men and women can be just friends get out of the dark ages I did nothing to imply more than friends. Now you are "guessing". And he can decide who's business it is, he told me the details and I have heard the Same details fro]

Please check the rule of the site, and please don't be insulting in your comments, just because you don't agree. Sarcasm is unpleasant and unwarranted.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion or even to 'guess' and read between the lines, and that's what you'll get on this site.

My response is that he needs to see a good lawyer - what's the point of living in fear of what might happen, when he actually doesn't know what his legal options regarding child support and custody of the children might be?

Many courts allocate 50/50 custody these days and I'm guessing (if your assessment is correct) that he would have a reasonable chance of being awarded half time custody. Chances are he'd be much better off financially and emotionally with this arrangement.

However, I'm really just guessing - the people that would know are lawyers that work in Family Law.

IF the story he has given you is anywhere close to the truth, he is ignoring other possibilities such as her having to pay him child support. While he may think he has been doing the best he can for the children, he has actually been setting a very bad example of how a relationship works or ends.

To be honest, I think you are here for him because HE doesn't want to change anything. I think there is an underlying aspect of being the martyr in his story. As long as he has the children and pays for her, he can claim that he is the 'victim' of her selfish ways. Consulting a lawyer and confirming that he is a better position than he wants others to believe would hurt that self-sacrificing persona he is cultivating. Don't be surprised if he is still whining about what she is doing to him and how guilty he feels for kicking her out even after you give him every bit of information that HE wouldn't look up on his own (he doesn't need a computer to go to the library or look in a phone book).

You should read the rules of the forum first off. You don't give a 'reddie' for an OPINION. I was stating my opinion, take it or leave it. You are presenting third party information on a 'friend', who has himself not posted his own question about his own problems. My answer was based accordingly.

I think you should really mind your own business, and let him solve his problems with his wife. Just my opinion.

Your sarcasm because you didn't get the answer you were expecting, happens often, and the person asking the question, turns on those giving answers.

Try to accept that not everybody will agree with what you are doing, what your impressions of your 'friends' actions, or situation is, nor believe what you say about his wife to be true, simply because you say so.

Okay, you are being judgemental and doing exactly the same things you are accusing me of. Know the difference between giving judgments as truth or opinions. I do not want sugar-coated opinions/suggestions and no I don't just want the ones I want to hear. What hat did you pull that out of? Because you do not even know enough about me, him, or her to make such blatant accusations. I am NOT trying to solve his problems between him and his wife; if that were the case I would have became a lawyer and be making a heck of a lot more than I am now :p "Quote: Your sarcasm because you didn't get the answer you were expecting, happens often, and the person asking the question, turns on those who give the answers," end of quote. WHAT?? I never implied that I wanted a certain answer to this, it's not a post that requires an "I want this kind of answer or I'll be upset". You are the only reason I am even writing this; get some tact or have someone teach you the meaning of...
Your post was of an attacking tone, so I responded accordingly. Read again, I stated that he does not have a computer or access to one right now. I have found lots of help for situations on these threads, and I have given some too. This post was no different. You're the first to give me this excuse of an "opinion". Just because you are a "veteran" of these forums does not excuse your rudeness. Enough about you, all I wanted was some genuine advice to try to help someone. I have no desire to get any information from you in the future, so don't waste your time, please, as I will give you the same courtesy... :D

Enough!

Stick to the topic at hand, or I'll delete ALL of the arguments between you.

This argument is heading quickly toward childish.

I expect a topic like this to be discussed by ADULTS.

I agree with you Synnen, I don't argue my opinion, I do my best to give an honest answer to what is presented.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/messed-up-friendship-man-telling-him-had-feelings-what-should-do-448160.html

I don't understand the agree/disagree posts on #5. What does "balancer" mean? And the term "reddie" lol! TIA...

All it means is that a 'disagree' or 'reddie' goes against the reputation of the person receiving it. If it was not understood, or appropriately given, 'balancer' balences the incorrect response.

It's only factual information that is wrong, not opinions.

I will be filing for divorce within the next couple of months. For those out there that have done the 50/50 time arrangement with your kid(s) please could you tell me how you did it, what days, etc? Ideas from those that have not gone through this are welcomed too. 50/50 is the only way me and my husband will have it (not saying he nor I wouldn't take more), he already told me that. Also we would be living within 15 minutes take or give of each other after the split. Most kids are not in a 50/50 time arrangement, from what I've heard others say. They are mostly with one spouse while the other sees them every other weekend or every weekend. I just need to know this so we can get this straightened out before court and someone doesn't end up being VERY unhappy about the visitation arrangements, most importantly our son. He is our first priority. Won't the court pretty much go with what everyone wants if this is worked out ahead of time? This is a HUGE bump in the road for me, so HELP!! Thanks...

I don't understand the agree/disagree posts on #5. What does "balancer" mean? And the term "reddie" lol! TIA...

Look here.

Ref:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html

Well if you think about it, if you have your kids during the week, if they are already in school, and your husband has them on the weekends, that is almost 50/50 , because in those two days on the weekend, he could spend every minute with the kids. Where as during the week, your at work, there in school, so you only get to see them for a few hours each night.
This method is much easier on the kids, rather than them staying at one home for a week, then the next home for a week. Its not stable for the children and they don't feel like they have a real home. I would really consider the weekend arrangement. And I am sure your husband will not be able to have them every weekend. So then in the summer he could take them for a few weeks to make up for lost time.
I find that is what a lot of couples do for 50/50, one partner has them on the weekends, and then when summer holidays come, they take the kids for a couple weeks.

I know its tuff to think about, hang in there

My husband and I have 3 kids, one 23 and on his own, one 18 at home and one almost 11. We will be married 25 years in June. We have had a rough marriage, but there have been good times too. In the last 3 years he has become controlling, everything is "his" like the house for example, because he's paid for it. I have worked most of the time outside our home. I have prayed, talked about it in confidentiality to family and a friend. As I was dropping my youngest off at school one day after things had been peacefull for a couple of days he looked sad. As he was getting out of the car I said what's wrong, I can tell there is. He said "I just want the arguing to stop".That broke my heart. Right then I decided that I would get tougher yet, try to meet my husbands "demands" ex: nothing is ever clean enough, tells me I am not allowed to discipline our son let him do it, tells me what day I need to clean the house, etc. and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I just wanted to include this not because I am trying to badmouth him, I know I have my faults too. But now that I have decided to turn the other cheek and try harder to do what he wants, I find myself still knowing that I don't love him anymore and I know he doesn't me. He's told me to go to hell, hit the road, etc. over things that were pretty trivial. I just don't think you tell someone that you love those things. He wants to co-exist and that's all. We have not been intimate in probably 3 years. Things have been much quieter and the kids seem to be happier since I've been trying real hard to keep peace. But the fact still remains that we will have a child in the house for at least 8 more years and there's nothing between us but a platonic relationship. When all this arguing was going on I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I miss love in general, hugs, kisses, affection, being able to talk, etc. I miss it SO much. My husband does not want this; I've tried and he turns me away. I tried to suggest counseling, he said it wouldn't make any difference if the couselor didn't agree with him. But then I think would a divorce now, that things are better as far as fighting, would it be selfish of me to divorce him? He will never file just to "save face". I would be the only one to start the process. Please help me, should I just take my bed and lie in it, or should I think "life's too short?" Please help. I know the kids come first. But should we continue a loveless marriage for them? Thanks for any help...

I don't see that a loveless marriage benefits the child(ren). Children have a sense of what is going on in a house and I'm sure they are aware of the conflict.

If you are asking for opinions, my opinion is - if you're tried everything and don't want to be married to your partner any longer it's time to go.

I'm confused by this post in light of your other posts which appear to present different circumstances concerning your plans - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorce/some-suggestions-how-split-w-spouse-50-50-time-10-year-old-450701.html and https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorce/what-expect-during-divorce-im-scared-cant-make-thru-help-449258.html.

I think these threads should all be combined

hoosiergirl65 disagrees : These threads are not exactly the same. I wanted #28 to be posted on it's "own" so I could get some suggestions. Is it not all right to ask different questions within the same topic? I would not care if you delted all my previous thread starters but wo

Please review these rules on using the agree/disagree feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html. JudyKayTee was only giving her opinion.

The facts presented in your other threads have bearing on how you portray yourself and your marriage. Yes, you were previously asking about your 'friend's' situation, but I think you have feelings that impact your viewpoint on that subject and how you view your marriage.

Staying married for the children doesn't work. As Judy said, children know when things aren't right and it sounds like your own son has come close to telling you the same thing.

IF both you and your husband are unable to work together to build a relationship, it may be time to dissolve the marriage. I do caution you to leave because you feel it it is best for each individual in your family and not because you may have another relationship lined up. You will need time to go through the separation, divorce and healing before getting into a new relationship.

Im going to say something non law related. And get to the law stuff in a minute. Marriage is not about love. And unless both parties understand that there is no hope. Marriage is about commitment. Love can fade and grow like a flower in a garden. But commitment must remain to keep the marriage intact. Having said that. Respecting each other is part of that basic commitment. That is the foundation that all marriages are built upon. From your situation the foundation has crumbled. And the house you built is about to tumble in on itself. The respect and commitment is gone and it is affecting your children.

Now for the legal stuff.

Its time you seek out a lawyer and make your plans. Don't plan on it being sweet. It's a very difficult thing to do. But in this case it seems the logical thing to do. We have already made suggestions as to what a divorce is like. Now is the time to step over the threshold and take that first step. It could be the snap of reality that hits him. Either way stand your ground and don't worry about the little stuff. Get good advice from a lawyer on how to proceed. Follow court orders as they are written. DO NOT interfere with visitation in any way. Also if he does bad mouth you to the children you can get a restraining order and put a stop to it.

Well if you think about it, if you have your kids during the week, if they are already in school, and your husband has them on the weekends, that is almost 50/50 , because in those two days on the weekend, he could spend every minute with the kids. Where as during the week, ur at work, there in school, so you only get to see them for a few hours each night.
This method is much easier on the kids, rather than them staying at one home for a week, then the next home for a week. Its not stable for the children and they dont feel like they have a real home. I would really consider the weekend arrangement. And I am sure your husband will not be able to have them every weekend. So then in the summer he could take them for a few weeks to make up for lost time.
I find that is what alot of couples do for 50/50, one partner has them on the weekends, and then when summer holidays come, they take the kids for a couple weeks.

I know its tuff to think about, hang in there

In order to give advice its helpful to understand the laws your dealing with and how they are treated by the states or an individual state. I suggest rather then talking off the top of your head to actually look up the laws before you start typing. Many states use the overnight method to calculate custody. So it can get very confusing. But lets follow your given example. Based on California law. Non custodial parent has the child every weekend. Custodial parent has the child weeknights for school. Friday night and Saturday night are spent with the noncustodial parent and the rest of the nights are spent with the custodial parent. So non custodial gets 2 nights credit a week. Custodial parent gets 5 nights credit a week. Please explain how that equates to 50/50 ?

Again you have been warned about giving improper advice. Please pay attention to it so your efforts can have a meaningful contribution.

Well if you think about it, if you have your kids during the week, if they are already in school, and your husband has them on the weekends, that is almost 50/50 , because in those two days on the weekend, he could spend every minute with the kids. Where as during the week, ur at work, there in school, so you only get to see them for a few hours each night.
This method is much easier on the kids, rather than them staying at one home for a week, then the next home for a week. Its not stable for the children and they dont feel like they have a real home. I would really consider the weekend arrangement. And I am sure your husband will not be able to have them every weekend. So then in the summer he could take them for a few weeks to make up for lost time.
I find that is what alot of couples do for 50/50, one partner has them on the weekends, and then when summer holidays come, they take the kids for a couple weeks.

I know its tuff to think about, hang in there

Thanks for your advice; sorry there are some know it alls on here that are rude and tactless...

" hoosiergirl65 agrees : But should you stay committed in in a marriage that has no love? I somewhat agree with you, but I think marriage is a mixed bag, love, committment, etc. and I think one is just as important as the other. If it is commitment only I can do that somewhe "



What you have to understand in that statement I made is the commitment has to be on both sides. Not just a one sided deal. And if that base is there I believe the love can ebb and flow so yes it can disappear and return at times. Ask anyone married for 50 years and they will tell you it wasn't always love. It was levels but the love overall lasted through the years because of the foundation.

Hoosiergirl, someone telling you what you want to hear when their answer is totally wrong is not good advice. We pride ourself on real legal advcie, not what someone heard on jude judy or miami vice.

So don't thank for poor advice

I know in GA it is how many days, not hours, if you have them on Monday and it is a school day, you still have them a day, 50 / 50 hear has to be equal number of days. That is how support is figured also

Thanks for your advice; sorry there are some know it alls on here that are rude and tactless...


You are agreeing with someone who said what you want to hear, not someone who told you what the law is.

Listen to this person and you're making a big mistake.

But, again, if you want someone to agree with you instead of giving you sound advice you found him.

Osiergirl65;2240061]I know that post took a LOT of your time and I appreciate that. Yes, I have thought of waiting the 7years. I have thought of just ignoring him because a missed a spot on the table I just dusted, etc. The clincher is he is trying to turn the kids against me. They will say phrases that came from him because I've heard them too many times from him. I tried to explain to my youngest that I know he is caught in the middle; no one likes that. I made up this analogy: there is a long bridge between 2 mountains that are 10,000 ft above sea level. I know you don't want to be on that scary "bridge" so you feel like you have to run to one side or another. My husband can be convincing kniving.He is one smart cookie. He's right and everyone else is wrong; I try so hard to keep my mouth shut. Then along comes yet another "jab". He finds fault in everything I do. So this makes it REAL tough to live in the same house... [/QUOTE]

I understand what you are going through. He must be a narcissist or borderline personality disorder. Look it up by googling "BPD"

I took on my wife's ready made family of 4 kids 17 years ago... 3 different fathers, she was the "victim"... I now know why they all left.

She was very confident, intelligent, and since I knew nothing about raising a family, I allowed her to make the decisions, within reason...

As time went on, my input was no longer wanted or required. Even when it came to my personal finances... she took control of all of it. She has not had an income for at least 14 years.

Also, since my opinions didn't count, I was also stripped of any authority about the household and the kids...

My opinions equalled in her eyes, "calling her stupid" or "don't you trust me?'.... "what do YOU know" etc........

I have come to a point where 3 girls are out of the house and have kids... i am made to feel that i can only be a "grandparent" if she says so. if i leave, i will be shunned because of all of her rediculous crazy making..... if i utter one word while she is making a point and arguing,, it changes the whole issue.... she goes off on 10 different issues and the only thing anyone in the house hears, is her made up version of what is "really" going on... it gets intense.

I only say a couple words in my defense over something totally trivial, and pretty soon the whole house is mad at me... huh?

I don't think it will get any better if you stay... I am looking to get out.

These type of people never change and only see things their way...

And it gets worse... they stomp and stomp and never seem to let up.

When you are on your own... the kids will eventually come around and see you for who you really are... hopefully. At least that is my hope...

Got to go, she just came in and is huffy about something

Im in a similar situation you are right now, fell out of love after 32yrs together 2 grown children and 3 grandchildren. I was with him since I was 16/17yrs old I'm 49 and was afraid of the real world without him, but what I did just took the plunge and moved out of my wonderful house 1 yr ago, is not as hard as you think, I know you have children but they will adjust and you have to stay strong for them, is better for your children if mom is
Strong and together, you have to be a good example for them. Do as I did, went for few counceling sessions to make sure I was doing the right thing. Went to a divorce seminar and learned my rights. Made a friendly connection with the ex and the kids are great about it now and its only been 1yr and a few months. Im in the process of hiring and atty for the divorce and life goes on.
My father is my heart at 79 yrs old I cannot live without him and his advise to me was, LIFE IS TO SHORT, LIVE IT AND MAKE IT A MASTERPIECE. He is my back bone. Even though he loves my ex husband he wants me to be happy. And I know that from Heaven your dad wants the same for you. Remember your dad is not here one earth but he is your GUARDIAN ANGEL, so count on him to send you in the right direction.
I HOPE THIS HELPS. KEEP ME POSTED.

NM

You are agreeing with someone who said what you want to hear, not someone who told you what the law is.

Listen to this person and you're making a big mistake.

But, again, if you want someone to agree with you instead of giving you sound advice you found him.

I find it hard for people to harsh with their opinions. Statements can be made in a more heartfelt concerned way. After all people come here for comfort and advice because they are in need and scared. And to support the man that was trying to help her he did after all state to get a lawyer. And of course that is the first step and very good advice.

No one in my family has ever divorced. I totally do not even know how to begin the process. What will it do to my senior in HS and my almost 11 year old? I can't BEAR the thought of not seeing them everyday. It will be a stuation where my husband will want time with them to be 50/50, nothing less. There's so many ppl out there that have a good reason for divorce like cheating, etc. but that is not the case here. Just irreconciliable differences. I just don't know if I'm mentally prepared to take this or not. He will not file; it would make him look bad he says. So i will have to do it. If the judge hands me down a blow to me, I think I would just fall apart and have to be committed. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. There is no love between us anymore so his feelings are mutual. He is vindictive and very witty and also strong-willed and self-disciplined. he would be able to put on a great show...while I would be faliing apart. My dad passed away on the 10th and during visitation and the funeral he never touched me, put his arm around me, or even told me he was sorry for me. So this gives you a better idea of what I'm dealing with here. I feel like my stomach is a blender. HELP!

I hope you have found some peace and hopefully took the advice of califdad03 as far as obtaining a lawyer. My lawyer hit me all at once rite between the eyes, it was hard to hear but at the same time it made me become stronger and remember why I was doing this ( for the kids). And each day no matter how I feel I turn it aroung and ask myself how are my kids. I think and take one min. at a time not months ahead. I only think ahead as to where do I want to go in life so that I can benefit my children as well as my own happiness. I know if I'm broken and not happy it reflects onto the kids. Hope you doing weel I would love to hear. I am just now starting that rode and I just keep some optimism going to keep me strong.

I find it hard for people to harsh with thier opinions. Statements can be made in a more heartfelt concerned way. Afterall people come here for comfort and advice because they are in need and scared. And to support the man that was trying to help her he did afterall state to get a lawyer. And of course that is the first step and very good advice.


I have no idea what "I find it hard for people to harsh with thier opinions (spelling aside)." The fact remains that the OP read many posts and then decided that the person who gave the wrong advice, someone with no legal background, someone who posted exactly what OP wanted to hear was the advice to follow.

Your criticism is totally unjust - after two posts I would suggest that you don't have a clue how this board works.

If you bother to read the posts before this one I am not the only one who said the OP was getting bad advice. I'm just the only one you decided to criticize.

I have to wonder if you are someone with two screen names, a troll in some other way, just what is going on here.

If OP follows the advice YOU find reliable OP will find herself in deep legal trouble.

Did you divorce yet and if so, how did it all go?

I am sort of a child of divorce my parents where in that back and forth arguing. After a few years they each started to have different lives. It easier for a child I think to go through the mess and see there parents be real and not get walked over. My dad ended up passing away before they could divorce because those years they just delt with each other turned him to drinking. I blame my mom and dad everyday but I always no that they were both amazing parents in there own way. Just realize that they don't need to hear the bad things from you and someday they will see that you care and just want peace. Good luck remember to smile everyday and say I'm alive.

I am sort of a child of divorce my parents where in that back and forth arguing. After a few years they each started to have different lives. It easier for a child I think to go through the mess and see there parents be real and not get walked over. My dad ended up passing away before they could divorce because those years they just delt with each other turned him to drinking. I blame my mom and dad everyday but I always no that they were both amazing parents in there own way. Just realize that they don't need to hear the bad things from you and someday they will see that you care and just want peace. Good luck remember to smile everyday and say I'm alive.


Great advice, but this is from June 2011 and only the people who answered this question will see it.

Great advice, but this is from June 2011 and only the people who answered this question will see it.

Actually, it's from February 2010.

Actually, it's from February 2010.


Oh - thanks.