Me: late 20's, not my first time I've been in a serious relationship. This is a GF of 3 years and lived together for 2.

So about 2 months ago my GF wanted to break up. We had a rocky time and she developed an interest in someone she works with (she didn't disclose this at the time but I found out later). I of course didn't want to break up and went through the whole begging/pleading nonsense and had the terrible heartache and was a complete mess as is typical in these situations and naturally it just pushed her away, but as anyone who has been there knows it's hard to maintain control from the get go.

She wavered over the next month, most days she seemed like she wanted to work on the relationship, but I could always see some uncertainty and it didn't feel genuine, but I still held out. She wanted to "break up" about twice again during that time but would change her mind the next day. She moved out during this time. Finally about a month ago I had enough and felt I was no longer going to go along with it. I told her to stop contacting me. I still felt some heartache but it was surprisingly mild, I had it together, was just hanging with friends and enjoying myself and moving on.

We only did no contact for about a week. Ended up meeting for lunch and I didn't really feel like I wanted to have no contact. She certainly didn't. We kind of talked about the dreaded "friends with benefits" situation, set some rules, and said we'd do it (don't lecture I know this is generally a mistake). I had been with another girl in the previous week and disclosed it, she wasn't happy but admitted I was free to do what I wanted since we were technically not together.

Over the past 3 weeks she has been gradually making more and more contact. She has since escalated the benefits to her desire to "date" and now she says "exclusively date." I respond by asking if isn't that a bf/gf relationship and she says she guesses it is. I've been a little reserved about getting back into it but I admittedly want to. After a month of back and forth she seems like she is trying to escalate things back to where they were. She rarely goes an hour without dropping me a text, just random stuff telling me what she is doing. She says she still needs "alone time" occasionally but I probably have seen here 10 days out of the last 14... mostly all her requesting the hanging out. The nights we don't hang out for our "space" she sends me texts probably on the half hour. We don't have sex every time we hang out either so it can't be about that. A couple of times I have declined to hang out and she has gotten pretty antsy about it. She is also starting to try to make future plans, like trips, with me. All of the pet names and "love you's" seem to have returned. She is asking me what I want for my birthday. We do still both agree that living apart is a better situation for us right now. We both seem hesitant to use the "bf/gf" moniker but it seems, to me at least, to be going this way fast. There is still some level of bickering we do but it's mostly constructive (like we are trying to figure out what the other is thinking) but we are having a really good time hanging out.

I really thought I was done but I have to admit this is drawing me back in. I know that interest in the guy at work compounded with some previous problems (and admittedly, lack of appreciation by me that I recognize and am trying to address, more for me personally than anything) is what led to this. She has been adamant that this was not about "that guy" but that it was her getting weak when things were down, typical excuse but that seems to be how girls work, and the reality is things were down. She assures me she has no interest in him and hasn't for some time, I'm inclined to believe her based on the amount of contact and attention she seems to seek from me. I have been casually seeing a girl for the past month now but interest in that is waning based on what is happening with my so-called ex. I probably wouldn't be that interested anyway, I think it was mostly a distraction.

So anyway, this was probably a hell of an essay and hopefully not too disconnected, but any thoughts on what is probably going through her head? My position is that I would like to continue things with her at this point if I'm reading her actions correctly. But I've got to look out for myself first. Thoughts?

Are you actually having constructive honest conversations about how you can resolve your problems and build a strong healthy relationship?
Unless you do,you're very likely to end up in the same mess again.

And next time things will be going down how do you know she won't run again and find another guy at work?
Better talk about it because a relationship is not only dates, sex and having fun it's also going down sometimes and intead of developing interest in others it's better to work on it...
But you already know this since you've been in a serious relationship before...

Do not keep making the same mistakes.

Stop heading down the same road, change course of you will keep ending with the same result

Her excuse was her getting weak when things were down?? Wow... so throw in some screaming kids in that picture and you losing your job... if she can't stay around in this pitiful moment of weakness, you think this is a girl you really want to invest a future with? Anyway by the way you guys sound "friend with benefits" sounds like you guys have a pretty immature childish relationship and your not really looking for a sincere mature honest relationship. Keep messing around like you are... it may bring you temporal satisfaction, but in the end you will be miserable.

But any thoughts on what is probably going through her head?

That's the challenge of any couple. But for me the real red flag is when a partner wants to leave instead of communicate when things get hard, or there are rough times.

While I think you are restarting this thing again, there still has to be a deeper communications, and trust, and honestly given how the living together worked, the dating now seems to be better.

It would seem you would be further along after 3 years and living together but your not. And really that's okay.

What has me a bit thrown off is how fast you got back to exclusive dating again, and it honestly seems to me like it was more her getting you committed to stay around, more than something you were wanting that badly. You can't move on, and I really think that was the plan to begin with. She maybe making things pleasant, and easy for you to hang around, but I wouldn't be at all comfortable with this arrangement.

I really believe that even though you recognize you should protect yourself and your heart, your not doing that, but your slowly being dragged along, with no resistance or input to be honest.

No, I don't like your situation at all, even though it appears to be working for you. Not enough communications for the commitment you have made, and are still apart.

Are you getting what you want and need from this arrangement?

Doesn't sound like it, and maybe you need more time, and space, to be sure of where YOU want to go, instead of trying to hold on to what you had, or get it back.

As I stated before and this time I will be more emphatic in saying; GET OUT BEFORE SHE DOES IT AGAIN!

I don't agree with the others, I think that if you are both being truthful and honest and trying to work on a relationship you both want to be in then it can work.

But it takes honesty, brutal and harsh honesty. In a situation like this it is always harsh because you know each other so well. It is too easy to spare feelings in hope that the 'little things' will just change. They don't. They need to be spoken about and resolved. If you are not doing this you are just heading down the same avenue towards pain and heartache.

I promise.

All the best.

Good Luck!

Follow up...

Well it's been interesting to say the least. It's a strange pattern and I'm thinking we are just in a sort of abusive relationship at this point on both ends:

She took an out of town trip to see some old friends and slept with one of them. I didn't like it but I've been cheated on before and it had a surprisingly mild effect on me emotionally.

I have continued to see another girl in addition to her. I have disclosed this to her. It sounds bizarre but it seemed like it made her want me more, for a few days at least.

We continue to hang out and when we do we are always having a blast. We have still been sleeping together. We have tried to avoid defining what our relationship is.

We had a strange occurrence last weekend, we hung out basically from Friday afternoon until Sunday and she stayed at my place the whole time. We took an out of town trip together on Saturday, had a party at my place that evening, and never left each others sight. So out of the blue late Saturday she has something where she is just having some blank stare, and says she knows she is still in love with me and has been having a hard time. She then thinks she made a mistake by moving out. I told her I may be open to jumping back into this thing but she needs to sleep on it. She wakes up Sunday morning and thinks she still wants to do it, but says she is nervous, and carries these feelings throughout until she leaves Sunday night. We even talked about things like financial distribution and her breaking the lease at her place.

So Monday morning I text her and ask her what she is thinking at this point and she says she is just too nervous about it and it's a bad idea. I basically say fine but she needs some stability. So we argue back and forth on text most of the day (this has been a theme) and now she is at some "no contact" point and acting very cold. Though she claims no contact she responds when instigated (and particularly when attacked).

I understand that no contact is preached on here and I understand its value. But to go "no contact" out of the blue like this after saying she thought she wanted to move back in was bizarre. We have both been hurting each other and I struggle to wonder if it should continue this myself, easy to say not easy to do.

I should also note she is villifing me, calling me pushy (that I have been, I have said she needs to talk to me in person and not do this over text message, she refuses), and generally acting extremely cold. But she isn't ignoring me nor me her, we keep bickering at each other back and forth and basically try to one-up each other on who is acting crazier.

I'd summarize this as: we are extremely happy and passionate when we hang out together. When we are apart, there is a lot of animosity on both sides and constant fighting on text and e-mail, and I mean like all day throughout the day.

Note: she is now always making claims of needing more "space" e.g. hanging out less. However she is constantly making contact with me, except for the last couple of days, when I have done most of the contact initiation. Often if I am not seeing her that night she will text me and try to get me to meet her, but she is passive aggressive about it (e.g. last chance to talk to me or we're done).

Also worth noting, she is concealing her relationship with me to an extent from her family these days.

Heartbreak has passed. Still interested in her though (yes, I know, why?) it may just be I'm comfortable with it. I'd probably define my current mental state as "frustration." Thoughts on where this is from an unbiased panel?

I know how hard this must be for you. I went through a pretty bad breakup last year. I know how hard no contact is, but really it is honest the best way to go.. it's the only way to go. You two are poison to each other. You've tried a few times to make this work and clearly, it just isn't.

We often keep going back to the same partner because it's familiar and it feels safe. You're comfortable with her, but comfort doesn't make a relationship work. Trust, honest and communication.

It sounds like you two have horrible communication... her wanted to communicate via texts only and not in person. You've both been sleeping with different people. It's really time to cut off all communication once and for all. These kinds of things can drag out for a long long time.

How many years are you willing to waste away on this one?

Two choices

One- End this BS, because its going no where except in a circle

Two-Disappear from her life, and get one of your own.

Either choice is better than what your doing.

Two choices

One- End this BS, because its going no where except in a circle

Two-Disappear from her life, and get one of your own.

Either choice is better than what your doing.


You are no good for each other. Why in the world do you want to keep holding on?

Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, just wants you to hang around while she looks.

Ewww.

And yes, you are reading her actions correctly. That's what counts.

Sounds like she doesnt know what she wants, just wants you to hang around while she looks.

Ewww.

And yes, you are reading her actions correctly. Thats what counts.


Do not be any ones puppet ! If you're waiting on someone to tell you there's hope and you should hang in there.. I'm not going to tell you that!
I also believe you are going to hang on to this girl no matter what advice anyone gives you!

Man up, buddy. Stop being a wuss for her, as she's screwing around.

No one deserves this treatment.

The messed up thing is that you see it & know it.

This isn't love.

Screw her, go NC and let her do what she wants and you do yours.

She's playing you like an out of tune violin.

Man up, buddy. Stop being a wuss for her, as shes screwing around.

No one deserves this treatment.

The messed up thing is that you see it & know it.

This aint love.

Screw her, go NC and let her do what she wants and you do yours.

Shes playing you like an out of tune violin.


Good luck! I hope you get through to him.

Ya I've had one other LTR of several years. It was a little less intense than this, I wasn't holding on as much but there was still definitely a lot of emotions, we kept sleeping together for 4 months or so but it was more of just get together for sex and leave, not really dating and doing things together. It was still emotionally draining but nowhere near this level. Even with that I finally made the decision to go NC, she respected it, and the whole thing kind of faded after a couple months.

I think I am going to go NC here. I was toying with this in my head which is why I resurrected this thread. Thanks for the validation. She is saying she needs to not talk to me but I know her and this will last through the weekend at best, she is going to be a tough one to keep away, she'll harass and harass and harass as soon as she gets bored or lonely, I know her. Hopefully this goes smoothly and I can stay strong and stay away.

Blank,

She's got the best of both worlds. And you have crumbs.

All designed by her to keep you hanging on.

How does it feel as she's sleeping with co-workers & friends, then whispering in your ear?

Is that REALLY the kind of girl you want? Boy, she sounds like a real gem.

Save yourself the hurt and run for the hills.

NEVER speak to this person ever again.

She's disgusting.

Don't worry what she says anymore. Its all BS.

Go NC. Forever.

Don't wait to see if its OK with her.

She's a user.

She is disgusting, I'll give you that much. I do think it is important to mention that I have been maintaining another casual relationship for over a month though, so at this point I don't feel like I took the high road on that one. Do want to mention my indescretions just so it stays objective.

That said, she did start this mess in my mind, I just started playing the game too instead of running away like I should have. Screw it, I'm doing it now.

The unfortunate part is there are still some logistics involved with stuff that needs to be distributed, I might see if I can find a friend or something to handle it.

Yup, do that or throw her stuff out in the dumpster.

Good that you are realizing this.

Stick with NC. Don't let her drag you back in.

And more importantly don't rebound. Make sure you are over this & understand who you are before jumping into anything else.

You have received some very good advice. Take it.:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Have nothing more to do with her.

Get rid of her stuff and go NC forever.

Nobody's perfect. Often times we forget that, which is why there are so many divorced couples and people walking around with so much heartache. Your girlfriend's interest in her coworker is definitely a red flag; but its common. I've been there, often times that person may be a sounding board, someone to talk to or to be honest; he may possess a quality that you don't. Doesn't mean that she wanted him over you, I’m not saying that... plus what if he was pursuing her? She may have had some insecurity in your relationship and found comfort in what he was offering. Men can be charming and persuasive, just like women! It doesn't make it right, but makes is a true statement.

So now she wants to get back together and be exclusive. Is that what you want? If so, then why not? You slept with someone else and yet you find yourself wanting to still be with your girl. Is it possible she feels the same way about you and is genuinely trying to make things right again?

Relationships are not easy, but I don't think we should walk away every time things aren’t golden. I've broken up with my boyfriend and then asked him back the next day too! We as women do that as a way to protect our hearts. It’s a way to guard ourselves when something hurts. But the next day, once all the emotions have settled down, we see life without that person is not what we really want. We instead just want that person to stop the behavior that causes us to feel insecure and unhappy about the relationship.

Good luck to you. Life is all about perspective- How you view what is going on in your world. If a healthy, happy relationship is what you desire with this girl, then change your mind- set to believe it is attainable and then go from there. Have faith; it the hope of something with the absence of doubt.