Threads merged again

I'm feeling really whiney right now.. and I don't know, maybe I just want someone to tell me what to do. But.. I don't know.

Recently, I've been thinking to myself that I'm never going to get married. That type of future just seems like its never going to happen. Its not that I want to "hurry up and grow up" but I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years should move forward. We don't live together. He lives with his brother and two other roommates. His brother hasn't been in a relationship since I first met the two boys, and that's almost 3.5 years ago. My boyfriend and I discuss "When we get married" type things, but that's it. No promise ring, nothing.. I feel like he's afraid of commitment. And lately,if I ask him to do something for me or tag along, there is always some type of excuse. For example, Today... I have to go Denver tonight. I asked if he wanted to come with... He said he can't because he needs to go to Sam's Club tonight with his mom... what the hell?? So then he asks if I want to hang out with him before I have to drive 2 hours to and from Denver by myself.. I said no. He's been saying statements too me lately, things like, "I have my own life to live"... I think that's completely uncalled for. In my mind, you don't say things like that to people who you love... Perhaps that's just me.

In about a week and a half, my friend and I.. Along with his brother and two of their friends ( who are married with kids) are going to Las Vegas. My boyfriend is going to celebrate his birthday.. I had to ask if I could go. He didn't really invite me. He didn't say anything along the lines of "I'd like you to come". He paid for my ticket... I begged my work to give me the time off... And now, the other night, I found out that they're heading to a Strip club. Strip clubs just aren't my thing. I told him that. I told him I'm not going to a Strip club. When this whole vegas trip was planned I had no idea a Strip club was going to be included... I was prepared for the Vegas strip clubs and the casinos and probably a lot of drinking.. but not a strip club. I just don't want to go. So I told him he could go.. have a great time. But without me. Currently, I'm trying to find tickets to The Blue Man group... I told him I found some tickets.. He asked when I was planning on going... I told him when he goes to the strip club. He came back and said he wants me to go... I'm still standing my ground...

But... Should I go to a Strip Club? This vegas trip is for my boyfriends birthday... I don't want to revolve this trip around what I want to do... But I also don't think that going to a strip club is appropriate either... Especially if the person you claim to love doesn't feel comfortable. I'd never make him do something he wouldn't want to do.

I feel so... pissed... And hurt... ugh... :(

Enjoy the Blue Man group, let him enjoy his guy friends.

Do you think its time to re evaluate this relationship, and find out where its going? Besides in circles?

You sound miserable.

From the sound of it (not inviting you to his birthday celebration and the way he talks to you), he's been working hard at putting distance between you two.

There seem to be a few issues going on here.

First, it sounds like your boyfriend is reluctant to commit to marriage. If there are clear signs that both of you are ready for marriage, ask him directly to give you reasons he is unwilling to commit. If there are sound reasons like financial instability, then cut him some slack. If the nature of the marriage discussions have always been realistic and solid, and you are both able and willing to enter into one, don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend directly that marriage is what you want and get the ball rolling - put forth a timeline that you want to be engaged by. The reaction he gives will reveal what his plans and intentions really are and give you the answer you need. It may sound like a harsh ultimatum, but you do not want to be led on forever.

Second, he seems to lack respect for you. You're right, it's his birthday, but if strip clubs make you feel uncomfortable, and he clearly knows this, he should be making an effort to respect your feelings. There are other ways to have fun in Vegas.

Birthday>your love one? Don't think so.

Stick to your decision. When you return from Vegas sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Ask him where your relationship is going and tell him how you feel. Then ask him to be truthful about his feelings. Good luck

Time for a serious talk about the future of this relationship.

It seems you are stuck in a rut and not moving forward in a healthy manner.

If you are not on the same page,maybe its time to let this go.

I thank everyone for the input... He and I have talked a lot about what I have wrote on here... I'm keeping my distance form him right now and not really talking. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him.. He takes fault for what he has said to me. I told him he needs to watch what comes out of his mouth... Sometimes I think he is so into himself and his brother and what his brother wants to do, that he puts me on the sideline. I think a lot of our issues stem from his brother. He can't ever tell his brother no, but I get told all the time. My friend called this "peter pan" syndrome (? ).

And I was miserable in this post! My boyfriend has something wonderful planned for Valentine's Day. Usually,I have to plan it. So I'm kind of excited.

As for the marriage thing.. We talk about it. He'll say certain things like, "If we ever get married, promise me you'll keep our house clean" after he helped his dad clean out houses. I can see myself with him... And he can see himself with me. I think he needs to break the umbilical cord to be honest.

Maybe... I just want someone to agree with me that he's a prick sometimes...

But... Thanks to all who answered... :)

All guys are pricks sometimes so I can agree.

You sometimes boys kind of suck...
Lucky I may be way off base here, but when my I was dating this guy (of 3 years) we used to have a really active social life, we would go to bars, party's, shows, etc. Well usually on Thursday nights he would go to a strip club with the boys. He asked me a few times if I would want to go, I always said no, he stopped asking. I was kindof jelous, I didn't understand why he even wanted to go to a place like that, but he did...
One Thirsday a friend of mine were actually at a pub/restaurant down the street from his stomping grounds, we decided to take a peek inside and see what those boys were up to. Well much to my amazement, my bf's back was tunred to the strippers and he was drinking and laughing and carrying on with... THE BOYS!
He was so happy to see me there, he bought me and my friend drinks pretty much all night!
When Thursdays would come I would go with him and we would have a BLAST! It was also amateur night, so there was no telling what these girls were going to pull out, and of where ;)
Anyway, it didn't end up being that bad, and most of the time the guys in the bar weren't even paying attention to the strippers, they were doing what any normal person would do at a regualr bar!
Anyway, so is the blue man group going to be in Vegas while you guys are there? Are you going with mutual friends? Couldn't you hang out with your other friends while your boyfriend goes to the strip club?

If I am wrong, please tell me... I truly miss one of my friends who moved away... We use to talk about our relationships and help each other through times where we thought the guys who are in our lives are being morons.

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 going on 4 years... He and I are both planning a trip to Miami, Fl. In the late summer. I found out two days ago he is going on a trip to Jamaica with his family in June.

Last year, I told him I wanted to go to an Island for our next trip. He convinced me it would be too expensive and that we should save for a trip like that and go possibly in 2 years.

Now he is going to Jamaica with his family in June. I feel so upset! I wanted to go to an Island... I wanted to experience that with him first.

I always feel like I'm second to him when it comes to his family. I feel like because of his family, mostly his brother, he and I are never going to move forward with our relationship.

Anytime he talks about things in the future, such as jobs, houses, its always "my brother and I"

... "my brother and I are thinking about getting a house together"
... "my brother and I are thinking about flipping houses for the next year to save up for a better house"
... "my brother and I are thinking about driving a semi for a year"

Its always that type of scenario. I feel like I'm not a priority in his life when it comes to this. Like I'm not a major part of his future.

I'm not waiting for him to ask me to live with him, I really am short on funds to live on my own.. But.. anytime I tell him we should get a house together... Its not necessarily tossed aside or ignored, but not too much interest.

I know everyone's first response is going to be, "Break up with him.. blah blah blah". Not going to happen... At least not yet. For the most part, we have a good relationship. We're very open with one another and can talk about anything. Sometimes, I just think some of the choices he makes seems so unfair!

I wanted to go to an Island this year... He talked me out of it, and is now going. How is that fair?

We just recently went to Las Vegas, NV. For his birthday.. And it was one of the most boring trips I've ever been on. We didn't do anything... No shows, no bars, no clubs... Nothing... We walked the strip until our feet bled. And yes, a lot of this horrible trip was due to one of the couples we went with not being a team player (there were 9 of us) and participating in the few things that we did do.. But.. I never been to Vegas, he has. Everyone in our group has been to Vegas except me. He couldn't even take me by the hand, stray from the group for a day, and spend the day with me showing me stuff and having a great time. That bothered me.. I told him that it bothered me.. We're going out this Friday to the local club with one of my friends.. He agreed to it.. Now, we have to go out with HIS friends and HIS cousin is going to be in town. Ugh!

Seriously.. If I'm over-reacting, let me know...

;-)


I would think about marriage as something far down the road on his part.

If he always has to have someone around when you all are going someplace then I would be a little upset.

I would think about marriage as something far down the road on his part.

If he always has to have someone around when you all are going someplace then I would be a little upset.

Its not all the time.. But it seems like he can't function without his brothers approval. I always joke to myself and say my boyfriend is so far up his brothers @$$, that his brother can't even walk right.

I don't know why I am having such an issue with keeping this thread separate... ugh...

You need to think about whether you can deal with this for the rest of your life. If your boyfriend puts his family or anybody else before you there's a good chance that you will always be second on his list.

It seems that he grew up pretty well with his family, to him family does comes first. Anyway if you really love him then you should try to understand, but he also needs to understand that you’re part of his life now also. There is nothing wrong with spending time with his family the problem is he's not spending it with you also. Can you go on the holiday with him and his family?

My advise is try talking to him, tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't seem to make much of an effort then I don’t think you should either.

You need to think about whether or not you can deal with this for the rest of your life. If your boyfriend puts his family or anybody else before you there's a good chance that you will always be second on his list.

It seems that he grew up pretty well with his family, to him family does comes first. Anyway if you really love him then you should try to understand, but he also needs to understand that you’re part of his life now also. There is nothing wrong with spending time with his family the problem is he's not spending it with you also. Can you go on the holiday with him and his family?

My advise is try talking to him, tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't seem to make much of an effort then I don’t think you should either.

I have thought about it... a lot. And sometimes its OK. Sometimes its normal.. Other times, it just doesn't seem normal. And my main hurtle is his brother.. He values his brothers opinion so much. He acts like "wifey" to his brother.. Its strange. It kind of bothers me.. and I tell him whenever he starts to zone in on what his brother is doing that he needs to include me too.

The reason I don't think he and his brother have a normal relationship is based on what their sister has done with her life. She's married and expecting a baby. She is living away from mom and dad and on her own with her husband. She always seemed to have her priorties straight and not too concerned what about what everyone else is doing. She is still close with her family, but the umbilicol cord is definiately cut and has been since I met my boyfriend.

He just makes me so mad sometimes! And sometimes it feels like I'm wasting my time with him because I will never get to wear that white dress or announce to anyone he and I are expecting. Not that I want that right now.. But its hard for me to see it happening... I just see us moving forward like how it always is. And I do talk to him.. and he always assures me that we will move forward, we just need to get some debt out of the way (which is fine, I understand... but that will be in probably 6 months or less). He did buy me a promise ring for Valentine's Day.. I don't know.. Sometimes I think I expect too much.

I don't think you expect too much. You know what you want in your future, you want that white dress and someday you want children.

You've almost been together 4 years. You should ask yourself if you've seen much progress in the relationship in the past 4 years. It's completely understandable that he wants to take care of his debt before moving in together and starting a family. You say the debt should be taken care of in six month, perhaps at that point revaluate the relationship and if you don't see progress I wouldn't waste anymore of your time on this one. He could just always feed you excuses in order to avoid commitment. Life is short, you know what you want and there is no reason you should have to settle for less.
He assures you that you will move forward, however actions speak louder than words. You've almost been together 4 years, and in those four years has there been much progress made on the relationship?

At some point this has to be about what you two want, and not about what he and his family want. I don't see that happening honestly.

Accept it for what it is, or leave and find what you want. He sure doesn't sound ready for what you want, even after 4 years.

Threads merged.
In everyone's opinion... What does a promise ring stand for??

Thanks :)

Did he give you one?

Yes :)

It only means something when there are promises that are kept. What did he promise?

Well he gave me a card with it. It was for Valentine's day. The card read "I love you and hope we have many more Valentine's days together ". Is that corny? LOL the ring was tied to a single red rose.

I'm having a lot of strange thoughts in my head as of late... actually, the past couple of days. And I've been debating on asking on here... Everything I post gets merged together and my new post gets lost :(

Its about my boyfriend and I. I think for the most part we have a wonderful relationship. Very open with one another, carring, supportive and loving.

My problem is the brother. Honestly, this issue has never been an issue before. His brother had a girlfriend or some type of love interest. As of late, his brother has been single. He wants to do a lot of things with my boyfriend, which is fine, I don't oppose. I don't stand in the way, I don't object, I support my boyfriend with the crazy schemes he and his brother are thinking up.

But it just seems like (as of late) my boyfriend goes on "dates" more with his brother than he does with me. Those two go out to dinner, constantly work on cars together, working on getting a house together to flip and sell, work out together.. etc.

I'm an only child, but I'm not naïve. I know there is brotherly love ad a bond between sibblings that cannot be broken. But this is almost kind of weird.

The other day, my boyfriend made me so mad.. I'm still pretty hot about this. I got off work early, twice in a row! Woo Hoo! I wanted to spend my 2 hour early dismissel from work with my boyfriend and actually do stuff with him. The first day was fine, but he wanted to work out. He bought me dinner, we got a movie for later and hung out for about an hour. He went on his 30 min bike ride with his brother, came back and complained he was tired. We watched the movie. Had a good evening. The next day, I got off work early again, called him up and he said he was tired and was planning on going to bed early and wanted to work out.

At that point, it dawned on me. We never do anything anymore. He use to call me up and ask me to come over. We'd go on walks, take the dogs to the lake, take off up to the big city. Now we do nothing. He hangs out with his brother. I see him about an hr before bed time. I brought problem up with him and he claims its not true. He justifies us hanging out an hour before bed time as us spending time with each other. He spends all his time with his brother. All he can talk about is his brother. I'm so tired of it! And its not like this was how it was when I first met my boyfriend. The two boys still had common intresests, but they did their own thing. Now its like my boyfriend needs permission to make plans with me.

Another thing that bothers me, and I haven't really said anything yet.. Is I'm suppose to go to all these parties for his sister, yet his sister hasn't once asked if I was coming. Or invited me. Or made sure I had the time off or whatever. At this point, I don't want to go to her baby shower.I don't really want to go to her graduation party. Why am I undeserving of an invite? Or at least a confirmation on her end that I'm going. And its not like I never see this girl. I've HUNG OUT WITH HER several times. She barely talks to me. She's pregnant, her husband drags her to the bar with all of us (I don't know if she's willing or not), she looks bored as hell.. am I suppose to entertain the pregnant sober girl? Am I out of line? Ive tried to talk to her in the past. For her bachelorette party, I even paid for her cover charge for a club. Not even a thank you. Not to mention, the entire group took off to a different club and didn't even tell me. I couldn't find them anywhere. Finally one girl came back to find me. That pissed me off to no end. And I went home. I was suppose to stay at her house, but I went home.

I need some insite.

As far as my boyfriend and I go, I'm just not going to go see him when I get off work. If I'm important enough to him, he'll start to want to do more things with me on the weekends when we both have all the time in the world. I'm being very stand-offish right now. We couldn't talk yesterday due to the cell phone services in our state being down, but he mentioned he wanted to meet up for lunch. Today, he cannot meet up for lunch. He's going to a baseball game tonight with his brother.. Its raining like nuts in Denver... Hope they have fun :)

Well I don't think I can help you, but I'll give you my opinion.

First off, who knows what's wrong with your boyfriend
Maybe his brother is having some troubles and he's trying to help
Maybe he's reliving a second childhood.
Maybe said brother never paid any attention to him before and he's taking what he can get while the brother doesn't have a girlfriend.

Leave him be for awhile and do stuff for yourself.
Mens minds are funny little things.:):rolleyes:

Sister... Screw it! No invitation, no go and no gift. At this point after what you mentioned, I wouldn't go even if I got an invitation.

Yea, I don't think I'm going to go to her party. Even though her mom invited me, that's just not the same. She should have invited me.

As for my boyfriend. I honesetly don't know what's up with him. But I think I'm just going to back off quite a bit. I'm not going to go see him when I get off work or spend the night anymore. I'm not happy with that being our relationship. I like to go out too :)

Thanks for your insite. Its very much appreciated. Sometimes... I feel like what I'm thinking in my head isn't right. Or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion. *sigh* I'm just so mad at him right now lol

Well you are in a tough situation if he doesn't see the problem. Therefore, you need to figure out what you want to do. If you aren't happy with the situation and he is content and not seeing a problem with it, then you are going to have to look out for yourself here.

It isn't fair that he is devoting all of his free time to his brother, but perhaps he is just bored with the routine of the relationship. Saying that he is tired and cancelling on plans can be sign of that. It doesn't make it anymore fair to you, but he doesn't recognize that.

So, you can start occupying your time with things that you want/like to do, and that way you won't be so affected by this. I know it's hard to think about that, and the worst feeling is if you make plans and then he wants to spend time with you, but you have to get past that. Of course you want to spend your early days off and such with him, but since he is not as concerned about it as you are, then you need to look out for yourself. It will be his loss in the end. Perhaps after a little while of cancelling out on you and going through this funk he is in, if it's just a funk, then things will come back together.

If this bothers you so much, that you don't feel like giving it more time, then you have a decision to make and need to look out for yourself. Keep in mind though, that he is spending time with his brother... this is much better than him spending time with other girls or something.


Do you have a fair amount of friends that you can hang out with?



As for the sister, screw her. She sound self centered, and you don't owe her anything.

Its almost a case of fighting fire with fire..

I think I'm just going to disppear for awhile. He can come to me.

I'm going out with some friends tonight. He had plans for tonight. His plans were cancelled due to weather. I told him I had plans tonight, yet he still asked if we could do something. I told him I thought he was busy tonight. He said that those got moved to tomorrow night with some friends his and his brothers. Not even an invite :)

I do need to look out for myself. And I think I'm going to. Even when times are good. Right now I'm mad and am playing things through my mind. But I'm just going to disappear. I'll be available through the phone and text, but that's going to be it. Maybe he'll figure something out.

I don't mind him spending time with his brother. But its all the time. When I go over to their house, or we go to the bar. He has to come with. Or we have to hang out with him. I've told my boyfriend 100 times that I'm dating YOU, not your brother. But he doesn't get it.

Will disappearing for awhile help? Make him think?

I feel lost, sad and extremely pissed off. Ugh!

And.. if he's bored of the routine, that's completely on him! I'm always ready to do something. Always ready to laugh and have a good time. But the only time he wants to go out is if his brother is there to babysit us.

I think it's a good idea for you to just go about doing your own thing with your friends, much like he's doing with his brother. Let him sit around bored when you're out with the friends and maybe he'll begin to see the light.

If he doesn't realize shortly that he's not giving you any time, I'd just move on. Life's too short to spend it by yourself!

As for the sister, it sounds like she's just about as rude as her brother. I wouldn't go to the party either.

Girl do your own thing, he's doing his.
Sometime we women make ourselves too available to the point the guys take us for granted. So stop thinking him and start thinking you, then what will be will be.

As for the sister, the girl sounds rude, in fact, they all sound rude. Don't let it ruin your day.

It's not about you disappearing, that not really what you want to do... just do you. He is only really concerned about himself and doing what he wants to do. Don't make yourself so available. You mentioned the two instances in which you wanted to spend the time with him when you got off work early... how much time do you spend with your friends? Basically, what I'm asking, is do you primarily set most of your free time to spend with your boyfriend? Or, do you often spend time with your friends, in which you are not with your boyfriend?

It's not about you disappearing, that not really what you want to do....just do you. He is only really concerned about himself and doing what he wants to do. Don't make yourself so available. You mentioned the two instances in which you wanted to spend the time with him when you got off work early.....how much time do you spend with your friends? Basically, what I'm asking, is do you primarily set most of your free time to spend with your boyfriend? Or, do you often spend time with your friends, in which you are not with your boyfriend?

I do have a lot of friends, but well over half of them have kids. I work stupid hours and seeing him is difficult. I go out with my friends when invited. I'll invite them out occasionally, but everyone has kids and sometimes its hard for them to find baby sitters and what not. One of my going out buddies is pregnant and disppeared from everyone. Another one moved about an hour away. A good friend of mine is in a very toxic relationship and can never leave his side. Another one of my good friends is always with another person who I wish to not associate myself with. She's being very wild and irrisponsible (in my mind) and, like I said, I don't wish to associate myself with my friend and that other person. My boyfriend has always been my back up plan when my original plans were broken. I think he's gotten use to that. Yet he'll barely ever invite me to his friends' house. Or even ask them if I can come.

I am in a difficult situation. I really do need to sit down and talk to him, but I'm not sure what to say without sounding like a selfish jerk. Which, I hope I'm not being.

But I'm am going to do my own thing. I have to! This is just stupid. Its almost like he's comfortable. He's OK with where we are right now. He's OK with seeing me for a few hours a week. We hardly ever do anything on weekends. He's always busy.

That's another thing... Never will he cancel his plans to be with me. Never. I just feel like I should be a little bit more of a priority then his friends that he just met about a year ago. I feel like maybe, just ONCE, he could tell someone no, that he wants to be with me tonight. But its never that. He wanted to see me tonight because HIS PLANS were cancelled... JERK!

That would piss me off too.
Sounds a bit selfish.
Is he always with his brother. What I mean is, he not seeing someone else is he?

That's another thing... Never will he cancel his plans to be with me. Never. I just feel like I should be a little bit more of a priority then his friends that he just met about a year ago. I feel like maybe, just ONCE, he could tell someone no, that he wants to be with me tonight. But its never that. He wanted to see me tonight because HIS PLANS were cancelled... JERK!

Don't you dare cancel your plans to see him. Go out with your friends, have a blast, don't even invite him along. It's time for you to stand your ground, make him realize that you deserve to be a priority in his life, not an option that he can call whenever he's bored or his plans are cancelled.

Go out tonight and live it up.

You do need to talk to him, but let yourself calm down a bit first. It's best to write down what you want to say so you don't get side tracked with anger. Calm communication, tell him how you feel, maybe even let him read this thread, it says it all. :)

Most of all, look out for yourself. You're number one, don't you forget it. You deserve to be with someone that makes you number one too.

Well, perhaps you really need to evaluate whether you want to be in the relationship. Not to sound drastic, but if he is comfortable only seeing you a few hours a week, and that is not sufficient for you, then perhaps the two of you aren't a good match for each other. Each person has different things that are important to them. For some people, spending time with friends is most important, for some its family, for some its spending the majority of the time doing whatever their hobby it is, and for some people (which seems to be you) it's their significant other, and some people like a mix of everything.

It sounds like his priorities, interests, and needs are different than his... considering this, it doesn't appear as though he is willing to change very much, and you can't really do anything to change him. In all honesty, would you really want someone only spending more time with you because you made them or had to talk them in to it? A person should want to compromise and continue to meet in the middle in order to get through the relationship together.

Think of it as though you are both on the same team, and you are going to work together to get through this world as one. You each have to compromise and sometimes sacrifice in order to accomplish this goal, otherwise, it becomes tougher and tougher each day, and gradually, your team will fall apart.

So you need to consider how happy you really are and how content you really are. Perhaps its just that you are two different people, heading on two different paths, in opposite directions.

That's the thing! I am happy with him. Right now just plain sucks! Its like he forgets about me. This popped up literally (give or take) 2 months ago when he and his brother decided to get their own house a flip it. That's where all this weirdness started. He's always been strangly close to his brother, but this time is way worse.

Maybe I should be thinking that this could very well end our relationship. But I'm always so optimistic and think that this can be worked through. I know he loves me. He's honest with me. He trusts me and I trust him to. I don't think he's seeing anyone else. He literally is always with his brother. Or at his parents house.


and for some people (which seems to be you) it's their significant other

Is that a bad quality to have? Sometimes I feel like it is. And I don't know where I got that from. My mom isn't clingy at all with my dad. She lets him do whatever he wants with no complaints.

And, I didn't cancel my plans with my friends tonight. He text me right when I left asking if I was sure I didn't want to do anything with him tonight. I kind of snapped at him and told him to go hang out with his brother. I told him I made plans. He seemed to except it, but was going to do the text thing all night long. I turned the sound off my phone. Enjoyed my evening with all my friends, watched a funny movie (The Backup Plan) and came home.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to break the news that I'm not attending his sisters baby shower. I should not have to be invited by their mom. She should have invited me or at least made some type of mention that I should come. Screw her.

I'm just so in love with him.. This hurts so bad that he choses others over me :( Every time I hear that song OMG by Usher, I think of him, and I smile. Even right now! I smile.

Everything is just to complicated...

It's good to be optimistic... but it's also good to be realistic. You say that you are happy with him, but it hurts that he chooses others over you and that the last couple of months have sucked because of this. If your boyfriend is choosing to spend his time with other people than you, and you aren't pleased with that... what are you happy with then?

As most of the others have said, he should want to spend time with you, and you shouldn't be pushed to the back. It is not a bad quality for you to want to spend time with him. That is who you are, and that is what makes you happy... in order to fulfill that need, you need someone that also wants to spend time with you. It is up to you to determine if he is that person.

Wow, I am glad your finally growing, and standing up for yourself, instead of just going along with the program. I can tell because not only have I read this post, but the others as well.

I think your real issue is you can't grasp that he has others in his life, as well as you, but the issue is one of communication, and not really about them at all.

By standing for yourself you not only communicate your feelings, but your boundaries, and expectations, as well. It may be awkward, but its so crucial to be willing to convey your feelings in an honest manner to your partner and even be willing to draw some lines of good behavior, or bad, that have been crossed.

At least it will give him something to think about, as he makes his own decisions how to deal with you.

Now may I please merged your posts together, yet again so the story is in the same place? :):D:)!

Well I would like to thank everyone who helped me out. Its nice to know that I'm not the only person in this world sometimes :) Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement.

I'm just going to stick to my guns and pull back for awhile. Make him miss me. Make him appreciate me. (And by make, I don't mean force.)

I think for the most part we are a good couple. We do have a lot of love that we give each other constantly. He does make me happy. When he's not consumed by his brother, he's a wonderful guy.. a great friend and I love him so much. The other night, he and I went to the drive in theater. It was so enjoyable. After that, we went back home and made homemade martinis.. they were absolutely aweful! Lol But it was so much fun just wasting the night away with him.. Talking, watching TV.. hanging out. Its just anytime he gets involved with his brothers plans, I lose him. I do need to voice my opinion and he needs to communicate with me more. If he happens to be stressed, he needs to tell me. I'm understanding, or at least I think I am.

But for right now, I'm just going to stay away and do my own thing. Do what makes me happy :) I guess that just because we're having a rough patch right now doesn't mean all is gone. What makes a good relationship good is recognizing each others flaws, weaknesses and strength and embrassing it and accepting each other for who they are.

But.. again... thank you everyone for giving me some help! I appreciate it a lot.

The tit for tat method usually doesn't have very good long-lasting results, because it is only a temporary fix to a fundamental problem.

You have made this about him and his brother, and then his sister and family, and how you are generally regarded by his family.

The whole thing adds up to who's needs are being met, and by making him miss you by going out with your friends and having a good time, isn't going to erase or solve the problem, because you will most likely have him on your mind the entire time. Then when you get home, you will analyze his reaction. It only adds to the problem.

You need to talk to him! Book an appointment if you have to, get out of the house together and go to a quiet place, and talk.

The relationship is about balance, needs and wants of both parties in a relationship have to involve give and take, consideration, trust, and above all, communication.

With that in mind, tell him more about how you feel being left out, instead of providing examples of same, such as last week you spent 26 hours with your brother and 2 with me. That only fosters resentment, and he will feel like you are coming between him and his brother.

Talk about compromise, and not being taken for granted. Respect goes both ways, so try to avoid talking disrespectfully of his family members. This is between you and him, and it isn't about baby showers, working out, and fixing cars.

You need to start making some expectations known, about what you expect from him, and he needs to see that your needs are not being met. That will only be accomplished if you talk it out and agree to changes.

If you are planning on staying with this man, I wouldn't be too quick to cut his family out of your life, and jump to any conclusions about their ways, or interpret their actions as mean and hurtful. They may not formally invite you to events, but if they are going to be in your life for a long time ahead, accept that which is obvious (naturally they'd want you to attend the baby shower), take the high road here, and go and enjoy yourself, even if only for an hour.

Making wedges between family members will not make your relationship with your partner any easier, it will only get backs up, and make you more misterable.

Communication is the key. If you can see that your partner is willing and able to understand how unbalanced the relationship is, and is willing to make concrete changes, everything else will be that much easier to accept. (ie his family).

Get talking, he may just surprise you with simple ignorance, and be very willing to change.

I would give him a taste of his own medicine, and do my own thing. You make plans and when he calls, you are busy with your friends. THen see how that goes. If there is no change in the relationship, and he is not able to see what he is doing by spending all his free time with his brother, then you have your answer. As far as the sister, forget her.

I did give him a taste of his own medicie. And he didn't like it. He wanted to hang out yesterday, and I told him I had plans. He wanted to hang out Friday night, I told him I had plans. Saturday night, I didn't have any plans, he did. He told me he did. In the past, his plans have always been concrete with his friends, so I didn't ask him if he wanted to do anything. He mentioned that I should have, and that we could have done something. I asked why I always have to initiate everything, he never answered back.

Last night, we were texting back and forth. I told him I was upset and that I feel like I'm always being left out of the picture. That he's always making plans with his friends or brother and never including me, or even attempting to include me. He continues to say that we always spend time together... But our time spent together is always right before HE goes to bed. Rarely do we go out. But I told him I was upset and I told him my feelings are completely crushed and that I feel unimportant to him.

His last text of the night said "Goodnight I really do love you. Sorry for the hurt I caused I will try and do better."

I didn't write back. I want to forgive him, but I'm not ready to yet. He needs to do something for me first. Maybe that sounds childish, but I just feel like he needs to "wow" me I guess. Its not that I don't believe him, I just want his actions to back up his words I guess...

As for his sister... I'm not sure what to do. Jake2008 makes perfect sense to me.. Jake2008's entire post make sense to me actually. If I go to the party, I'll more than likely sit there by myself with very few people talking to me.. Just like at her bridal shower and at her bachelorette party. And I do try and talk to people and be apart of the group, but I didn't grow up with any of those people and I could really give a $h!T less about this baby to be. (sorry, just don't get excited about babies!).

I guess, if I read right, I didn't get a personalized invite because I'm expected to be there, possibly because they're accepting me into their family. But my b/fs sister doesn't even talk to me. Or attempt to talk to me. Just doesn't feel right to me. We don't need to be best friends.. or even friends period, but she could say something to me.

For once, someone can intiate contact with me. Because as of right now. I'm done... And starting Monday, I'm going to the gym after work instead of my b/fs house. If he's awake and willing, I may go see him AFTER the gym.

And once again, Jake2008.. You make perfect sense to me. Everything you said is right. But for now, I think I'm going to take it slow with my boyfriend. Keep my distance from him because I'm just so very upset with him. I'm going to join the gym and do "Me" for awhile. Maybe that will get me where I want to be... Who knows. But I'm just going to wait for him to intiate something. And while I wait, I promise you I won't be sitting on the couch, by my phone, eating bon-bons pining for him. I'll do my own thing. Keep my days busy.

Hello all.. I have yet another question for you all.

Lately, my boyfriend and I have been doing pretty good together. Having a great time with each other.

Last Sat. I told my boyfriend that he and I should go camping.. I told him that I didn't care who he invited, but I wanted to go. He said, Ok, I'll try and see if I can work something out.. I'll let you know..

Well.. the Sat. that just passed, 07/24, my boyfriend takes off camping with his brother and doesn't even ASK if I would like to go.

I ask him why he never asked.. his reason, he didn't want me to call off work..

I am completely devistated! I'm so mad at him right now I could just scream! Anytime I talk to him I'm just short and snappy and B****y.. He knew I wanted to go camping.. I told him..

And what's worse.. his brother brought a girl that he liked.. So why wasn't I able to go :(

Ugh.. I just feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. Since he and his brother bought a stupid house together, he's been avoiding the topic of buying tickets for a vacation we planned on doing way before he even THOUGHT about buying a house.. I gave him a deadline.. He has to tell me by tonight if he has some money to buy the tickets.. I told him if he "forgets" that I'll just assume he doesn't want to go and make plans for myself.. its 5pm... I told him this at 1pm...

Am I over reacting?

Please.. some insite.. advise.. something :(

No, you are not. Women are always second guessing their emotions. Think about it. It was your boyfriend, his brother, and his brother's date. So your boyfriend would rather be a third wheel over asking his girlfriend (you) to come along. You need to ask some questions about this trip. Make your plans without him. You can show him better than you can tell him.

He didn't want you to call of work? He could have still planned a trip when you were not working. That does not even sound right. So it was just the three of them. Something is wrong with that picture.

I think this relationship is sagging. He is still disrespecting you and you are still questioning if you should feel bad when you do.

Take the trip without him.

Your boyfriend is playing head games with you... which really isn't the worst thing ever. In reality the head games are merely a symptom of the real problem. It could be a number of things, but you need to find the root or else, the relationship will only get worse.

The trick is, not to fall into the trap of REACTING to the head game itself. That's a dead end, I PROMISE YOU. You need to find out why he's acting this way, and asking him straight up might not be the best course of action. You'll probably have to be more creative and listen to your intuition. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, you need to find out if the relationship is even worth the trouble. If he keeps up the BS, and never opens up and lets on to the real issue, both of you going to suffer. So, how much are you wiling to put yourself through?

Sorry, you two work lousy together.

Lucky, this guy sounds like a total jerk. I think you would be better off taking that vacation yourself, and staying by yourself. He obviously does not respect you or your feelings, why keep putting yourself through this?

Think about it this way, if you had a friend who treated you like this, would you keep them around?

I don't think it's a case of us not working together. Because for the most part we do.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I'm so confused and crushed.. I'm just going to take a couple of days to think things through...

I think you don't want to accept the fact that you and this guy are going nowhere.
He treats you poorly and you just keep going back for more, why?
You guys are just not on the same page.

Lucky, I know we don't see eye to eye a lot, but it seems like every time you post your problem, and you get the insight, you don't like it and defend your relationship with him. Why bother? You know that the people here are going to be painfully truthful. You know you are going to hear what needs to be heard and not what you want to hear.


He does NOT sound like a nice person. He does NOT sound like he treats you very well. And no one deserves that. He went out of his way to exclude you in this camping trip after you specifically asked to come along and he agreed. What does that tell you? What would you tell another poster with this problem?

Lucky098;
I don't think it's a case of us not working together. Because for the most part we do.
Then you shouldn't be confused and crushed. When things work good, its easy to be happy, and optimistic. But after telling him what YOU want (go camping), and he does it with others, and not YOU, that's a clear RED FLAG, that you are NOT that important to him.

That's something to really pay attention to.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I'm so confused and crushed.. I'm just going to take a couple of days to think things through...
You well should be crushed and confused, but most of all, very angry with him! Yes think this over. You have more than enough facts to over rule any feelings you may have, and make a good decision for yourself.

Then you shouldn't be confused and crushed. When things work good, its easy to be happy, and optimistic. But after telling him what YOU want (go camping), and he does it with others, and not YOU, thats a clear RED FLAG, that you are NOT that important to him.

Thats something to really pay attention to.

You well should be crushed and confused, but most of all, very angry with him! Yes think this over. You have more than enough facts to over rule any feelings you may have, and make a good decision for yourself.
Have to spread some rep tal, but you are right!
The handwriting is on the wall. Read it girl friend.

I understand what everyone is telling me.. And I do appreciate everyone's advise.

What my boyfriend did was wrong, and I am still very upset with him. If I'm protecting my relationship from the opinions given on this website, I'm not meaning to. I do not feel guilty for being mad at him or for giving him the cold shoulder right now.

I had a good day today :) Everything just kind of flowed.. He and I are talking, but I'm still being very reserved towards him. I'm not ready to forgive him completely. I'm not the type of person who reacts on impulse.. I like to think things through. Yes what he did was sooo incredibly wrong.. The thing is though, is that he has never ever had that feeling of being left out or not included. I tell him all the time that he doesn't know how I feel.. And I think sometimes he does actually try!

The thing is, I don't just sit here and stew about it. I talk to him.. I tell him how I feel. He and I communicate very well. He claims that I never let him go out with is friends without getting mad at him.. And I don't think I do.. I let him go out with his friends without me and I don't have too much of a problem. The only thing that gets annoying, and I told him, is that I don't appreciate him texting me all night long while he is with his friends.. He wants to have a conversation and doesn't respond back for about 20 minutes or so. So I pretty much ignore him. He doesn't get mad.. nothing escalates at all.. I have gone out with him and his buddies. And we all have a good time.. Usually I volunteer for DD. Sometimes when we go out with his friends, I'll see one of my friends and I'll go hang out with them the entire night and there is no issues with that either. Why he did what he did over the weekend I don't know.. It was so out of the blue and unlike him to at least ASK if I MIGHT want to go.. or something. I always try and make it a point to invite someone to do something with me.. I always give someone the opportunity to say yes or no to tagging along.. And I never get it back. Its really starting to get to me.. and I guess that he isn't suppose to do that either. He is suppose to be better then that.

Everything is really wearing down on me :( I keep everyone at a safe distance from me. I'm so tired of being stabbed in the back by "friends". My boyfriend doesn't even like many of my "friends" because he has witnessed first hand what they do to me.. for example.. on my birthday, I wanted to go out.. I invited my boyfriend, his brother, his brother in law and sister.. I invited my 4 girlfriends to come with also... I was taking myself out, no one offered to take me out.. And.. my 4 girlfriends ditched me.. Because they didn't want to go to the club I wanted to go to.. And because one of their friends was at a different club... Totally feel like crap over that one.

My best friend in the whole wide world abandoned me due to rumors running around MY job (not hers). Didn't even give me a change to stand up for myself... Ugh.. I miss her.. with all of my heart I miss her.. :(

I don't know.. I'm starting to think that its me.. It seems like the minute I stand up for myself, do what I want to do.. I lose someone. Or someone gets mad at me.. Or somehow, I'm in the wrong... I honestly cannot always be wrong... I have put up with so much crap to safe friendships.. and in the end, it just back fires on me.

I guess I'm the type of person who will give my all to someone.. and I rarely see it back. Whenever there is any type of tiny upset, whoever that person is flees.. And its getting so old.. And I'm starting to feel bad for the people who I am talking to.. Like my friend Andrea.. I keep her at a safe distance from me... we talk every once in awhile.. Hang out occasionally.. but that's it. So tired of the hurt.

My boyfriend says that I push him to get married.. I don't think I do.. Or maybe I am being pushy without realizing it... I find it annoying that he bought a house with his brother... Maybe that attitude is coming through... I don't know. I'm just getting so tired of waiting for someone else to say OK!

I probably sound insecure with myself.. But I'm not.. I'm just tired of being alone.. I'm an only child and the youngest in my family.. all my cousins are older and have family, not to mention I don't know any of them. It just sucks. Everything I do is by myself. But I always try and keep my glass half full.. enter each new day with a smile and hopefullness.. and for the most part it works.. I just wish I could do the things I love to do.. I wish I could ride my horse again.. I would love to learn english riding and jump her. My poor dog is just sitting here rotting because I don't have time for her. I work stupid hours. I have no time for anything I want to do and I have tried many times to get off this schedule. I feel like such an absolute failure with my blue pitt... That poor dog is completely whacked out of her mind.. She has such a split personality. I just keep avoiding the inevitable with her.. that dog isn't adoptable.. The only family she could go to would be to gay people! Never have any kids.. world revolves around their dogs! Perfect.. but how do I advertise her for that? Lol

But there is a light at the end of my tunnel, or at least I hope so.. I plan on going to school this Oct. I'm going to Vet tech.. Yes Aurora, vet tech :P J/K lol.. But oh geez am I going to be nervous. I'm going to feel dumb because I'm a retard at math.. I have to take a 6 week coarse of math.. ugh.. But I need out of this call center, away from ridiculous rules, 19 year old pregnant girls, welfare and much much more.. Find me a real job that is centered around my favorite subject.. animals.. It'll keep me occupied this winter and spring and maybe allow me to not lean so hard on my boyfriend for entertainment.. I just want to be happy.. my boyfriend wants me to be happy.. he tells me that a lot.. Maybe I should start listening to him..

>sigh< I remember my friend told me last summer that I don't have to be happy with the choices or decisions my boyfriend makes or does.. but I do need to learn to accept it.. I guess I haven't yet.

I also just wanted to let you all know that I do take into consideration what everyone says.. And I would like to thank you all for answering my crys..

Also.. sorry for the rant.. It was kind of building.. Guess I just want someone to hear me..

Lucky, man girl, I feel your pain. I have the same issues with friends, and in the end it comes to your happiness and yours alone. It bothers me too, that when I stick up for myself, I loose my friends, it's like they only like me because I am the door mat. Well this door mat has scrubbed off the welcome print!

No matter what your situation is in your relationship, we can advise and give you insight until we are blue in the face, but until you are ready to make the changes, it's all wasted air. I don't mean this in a harsh way at all. We've all been there. In some sort of toxic relationship or another, and had friends or family trying to help, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

I guess it all the different out looks can help with your decision, but it's just that, your decision and yours alone. We all need someone to vent to or have a shoulder to cry on. But But through it all, remember, RESPECT YOUR SELF.

{{{hugs}}}

And congrats on going to school! Maybe we can bounce ideas off each other or give help studying. :)