Hello,

I've recently come across this site while scouring the net trying to find advice about my recent breakup with my girlfriend and from what I've seen from previous posts, this place seems like a definite good place to start.

Well, I might as well lay down the circumstances which led to this sudden break (well it seemed sudden to me at least). Before my girlfriend and I started going out we were pretty good friends for about a year, we were still in high school and in our last year. We'd do the usual, movies, hangin with our groups of friends, helping with school work, all that good stuff and about halfway through the year a close friend of ours was going through some issues, i.e. very depressed/suicidal, and in turn leaned on each other for support and comfort. A couple months later just after my birthday actually, we finally told each other how we felt and we hit it off.

It's now been 2 years and 8 months since we first told each other we cared for one another in terms of being more than friends. I'm not saying that everything was smooth sailing, we had our ups and down throughout the relationship but who doesn't. We've come close on a separate occasion where we almost ended it (no cheating, abuse, lies), but we decided to work on it and we were together for another year or so.

As of recent, about a week before she told me the “news” I could tell something was bugging her but not sure what it was exactly. I first thought it might have been work or medication related (anti anxiety meds, although it's never stopped us from feeling any different about each other in the past), so I tried comforting her more, i.e. hugging her, giving her kisses and making her feel I was there, although trying not to be too excessive or smothering her. Well her birthday finally rolls around about a week later and I had everything planned out so to be sure she'd have a great time. Sure enough, even upon giving her a rose and her gifts and telling her I love her, she seemed down and not very talkative (so much for my plans:p).

Eventually I gathered myself and asked her what was wrong, she simply said that we needed to talk about something. She felt that in recent months we seemed and felt that we were behaving as “just friends”, and that we hadn't done anything romantic together in recent months which I agreed with, the romantic part that is. She also mentioned that when I kissed her It felt different even “weird” to her. We both agree that we still care much about each other and that we even love each other still but she just didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. She said we are young (both 20 yrs old)and we have so much to do and she doesn't want a huge commitment at the moment. She also felt that there was too much pressure on her to be in a relationship with me (people always wanting to know where I was and whatnot). During the summer as well we didn't manage to do anything much together due to work changes and whatnot, probably another reason why we slowly started drifting. I know that she still wants to see me and cares about me (she told me that herself) although maybe as just a friend I'm not sure. She calls me while she's at work, text messages me and last night we even went to the pool and just talked and had a good time.

After she called it off and the days following she seems more open with me and I even told her that I learned more about her in the past 4 days than I had in a while. Within those days we found out that certain things that we hesitated to mention to each other during our relationship due to "they'll prolly think i'm wierd or something" that in fact we would have enjoyed those things i.e. sexual ideas, recreational and so on. I know that communicating is the key here but I think it may be a little too late to save what we had. If she needs some space I told her I'm OK with that and that I respect her for it. The big problem for me is now that we are hanging out and doing things together as just friends and every time I look at her I still “feel it” and by the way she looks at me sometimes I think she does too, though I'm not sure.

I just need advice and opinions on what I should do, there's always the NO CONTACT solution but I know she still wants to be around me and I her. I just don't know what to expect from her if anything in the future…relationship wise. I simply am not sure what to do:(

Sorry I rambled on about my whole life.. lol.. :p but I thought it be best to get a clear picture out to prevent confusion.

Thanks for any help you may give it will all be appreciated!!

-Still in love

Definitely follow the "no contact" rule. Read my story in this thread:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-do-get-her-miss-me-44446-6.html

After she called it off and the days following she seems more open with me and I even told her that I learned more about her in the past 4 days than I had in a while. Within those days we found out that certain things that we hesitated to mention to each other during our relationship due to "they'll prolly think i'm wierd or something" that in fact we would have enjoyed those things i.e. sexual ideas, recreational and so on. I know that communicating is the key here but I think it may be a little too late to save what we had. If she needs some space I told her I'm ok with that and that I respect her for it. The big problem for me is now that we are hanging out and doing things together as just friends and every time I look at her I still “feel it” and by the way she looks at me sometimes I think she does too, though I'm not sure.

Hi there,

Firstly, sorry to hear of what you are going through at the moment and I hope that you get the advice and support that will help you deal with this situation in the best possible way while also helping you to heal and move on.

I think you could possibly be in dangerous territory here.. I will explain why..

While all of this is happening, you don't really have a clear definition of what it is you both have together. Is it friendship? Or something in between?

What is happening at the moment between you both is just breeding more confusion and uncertainty.

This situation is not healthy for you at this stage because you have broken up with her. There are feelings still there from both sides, evidently she still has feelings for you but they may not be the feelings you desire.

This is why I think you are in dangerous territory by maintaining contact with her. I am not saying you cannot ever be friends with her. You would probably make an excellent friend to her, but I would say it is too early for both of you to enter into a bond based on friendship alone.

You both need some time out to heal, both of you will be feeling some degree of pain and loss. This is probably why she wants to see you, she has also experienced al loss here even though she was the dumper.

I agree with S_Ciani's advice in the previous response.

Hi guys,

Thanks for the input and your views Geoff, makes sense. I know I know, probably not what I want to hear at the moment but in the long run, I guess it’s for the best and thank you for your concern. After reading the previous posts on AMHD, its comforting to know that there are other people out there willing to help and have had similar situations put forth in front of them and knowing I'm not alone.

At the moment though I eventually want to "enact" the no contact rule, but I also don’t want to be rude about it and ignore her completely. I'll let her call me (If she does) and leave it at that. As I’ve seen it posted before, no texting, calling, notes, talking or whatever. This absolutely sucks as I’m sure most of you guys and girls know, but I agree I need to move on and its going to take a while to get over this I’m sure. And like you said Geoff,
"I am not saying you cannot ever be friends with her. You would probably make an excellent friend to her, but I would say it is too early for both of you to enter into a bond based on friendship alone."

I agree and it’s too painful for me as I’m trying to move on while I’m by her side as being just her friend and there's me continually thinking about what we had together. I just wanted to hug and kiss her, but I know that can't happen anymore and man does it hurt. I have no doubt in my mind that we can be friends as we had been in the past, but yeah, probably not at the moment, as I know I have some things to sort out and she probably does too.

Thank you again Geoff and Cianci it helps although it might not seem like it at first I’m sure it will in the long run. I also have one other question, Should I tell her that I think we should have some time to ourselves i.e. no contact or just simply ignore her?. I think I know what I'm going to do but I'm interested in your guys's opinion.:)

I f any others have some ideas I would be more than grateful to hear them. Thanks in advance.

-A guy who cares but should move on.

But see right there be careful what you are saying. " You want to be her friend but at the same time hug her and kiss her." You can't have both. If you still want to get back together, a friend and being there for her is not something you want to jump into. It takes time for that role as I have found out from many people. You still want to be apart of her life. But she has to want that to happen and you have to be able to do that without hurting yourself and making things more difficult.

This break is never about her. Because she is just one person, you have many other people in your life and you have many things that you could be doing to occupy your time and give you happiness. Although you want to be there for her you can't. You need to figure out what you want outside of her and become independent and hopefully she comes back but if she didn't would it be the end of the world? Right now it looks like it, but it is all in your mind. There are a lot of things that could have happened to you and that have happened to others. Serious disease, even death, or something traumatic, but that doesn't mean these people give up hope. They understand they can only change certain things and if they can't change they will accept and understand that healthy feelings such as regret, disappointment, emptiness are nothing to brush aside. You are allowed to feel those ways, you just need to accept those feelings and realize these things happen to people every day but the strong ones realize that moving on doesn't mean you need to forget about everything.

If you know you won't forget about her no matter if you move on or not then why not think for yourself. She is only person that will decide if she wants to come back. Nothing you say or do will make her come back. People on here say no contact rule or do this or do that but look beyond those words. They don't say if you do this she will come back, they say do this so you can take the time for yourself and for no one else. If she comes back and you have changed and don't want her then what can you do except look back and realize it wasn't meant to be. No one says push people away because it is easier, you just have to let the other person figure out what they want.

And many times you will find out the other person is too immature to ever come back because they think the grass is greener and maybe it was but that is good for you then because she never really truly cared about you then and why be with someone that doesn't completely want to be with you. By forcing it all you are doing is basically tieing hands behind a person's back and she has to go into this relationship now not all there. Let her find herself too and maybe she will then have a whole lot more to give and you too.

Worst case scenario you have a whole lot more to give to someone else, but now you would then know what you are looking for since you found it with someone else before.

Hi guys,

Thank you again Geoff and Cianci it helps although it might not seem like it at first I'm sure it will in the long run. I also have one other question, Should I tell her that I think we should have some time to ourselves i.e. no contact or just simply ignore her?...i think i know what im gunna do but im interested in your guys's opinion.:)

Yes, I think you already know what the right thing to do is.

My advice would be (in response to your question) to tell her that you would like some time to yourself, a period apart, even as friends. You could make it clear to her that you are not giving up on the chance of friendship altogether but that you feel that at the moment, it would be best if you both spent some time apart.

If you really think you can achieve friendship with no hope of anything more then this is the best option. You cannot heal while you are still in her presence as a friend and you cannot also realistically work on yourself.

If you remain friends in the future, then you will need to:

(A) Accept that there will be boundaries that were not there when you were in a relationship with her

(B) Accept the inevitable possibility that while you are in the friendship category with her, she may meet someone else in the relationship category. This may be a hard nut to swallow for obvious reasons.

This will be hard for you to achieve if you try and remain friends now without allowing yourself a sufficient period away from her to accept the relationship is really over and to move on.

I have personally never met anyone who has successfully remained friends after breaking up and I think I would personally find this a hard thing to deal with. That is not to say it is not possible. You must do it the right way though.

It seems like you are on the right track of thinking and I hope you do the right thing. Don't just ignore her, you will regret that later on.

Just be honest!!

Should I tell her that I think we should have some time to ourselves i.e. no contact or just simply ignore her?. I think I know what I'm going to do but I'm interested in your guys's opinion.:)

I believe in honesty, and after a break up, should you put up with them calling all the time after you make it clear that your moving on? No way, and has nothing to do with being rude, but drawing your lines and sticking to them. Don't confuse honesty with being a doormat.

Thank you guys! I thank you for all your advice and time spent and wanted to let you know things are moving along, slowly, but still moving. I'll be sure to stop in from time to time and see if anyof you need a hand.

Thank you and good luck to you all:)

S-cianci,

I read your post... possibly the most instructive story to my situation I have read so far... as I read it I wished I could have turned the way you had hoped.. but why didn't you contact her back when you saw she wasn't calling you anymore?

I have always thought if there was a foundation of love, respect between two individuals and if its suddenly stop... it is worth keeping the doors open while allowing the necessary distance and time to heal... I find it so hard to imagine if there was once a true emotional attachment we call love, that all trace of emotions for someone can just be gone and never to come back again.. unless there were major compatibilityconcerns on having a future with that person or one has just moved on and is having a fulfilling relationship with someone else

This is my case at the moment... deep down I would really love my ex to return but... I certainly won't run after him and in actual fact, I feel this was something hard but good to have had gone through this break up... so that if we have to get back together at some point.. I would wish for something more grounded and solid and if this is really over.. well I would have gone already through my fair share of grief and it will take me less time to get really over it.

Sorry polygon 15.. I got carried away by some great posts here.. I do also feel you should take some time off her but do explain that clearly to her why you're doing it... If feel honesty and understanding during a break up and usets better grounds for any subsequent opportunity to revive a relationship rather than just taking off.

Hope this helps,

<<I have always thought if there was a foundation of love, respect between two individuals and if its suddenly stop... it is worth keeping the doors open while allowing the necessary distance and time to heal... I find it so hard to imagine if there was once a true emotional attachment we call love, that all trace of emotions for someone can just be gone and never to come back again>>

I think the problem these days is that too many people are hurrying from one love to the next love without time to heal and be a full person, so by the time the dumper regrets they have already moved on or not interested anymore

You are absolutely right... I think if one gets into a relationship.. it should normally be with commitment and the prospect of having a future together... then the possibility of getting back together can be an option if things come to an end for one reason or another.

Otherwise it should just be called friendship and this should be set from the very beginning and either way it would be very fufilling if the right intentions are known from the very beggining-- honesty is the key

Whatever you do don't follor the no contact rule its been tried but its too hard to avoid the person you love. Talk with her, just because you had something and its not happening now doesn't mean it won't happen again, your only 20 you've got plenty of ways to go. When she's ready I'm sure she'll come back. Keep talking. And once you get way crazy about her and really needs her tell her how you feel maybe she's feeling the same way but just doesn't want to say anything because she ended it before there's a very good possibility. And also don't go with the jealosy thing like getting a new girlfriend or something because if she does still like you and you get a new"gf" she might feel you've moved on and she needs too to.

Well hope everything works out for you.

DogLover62