My boyfriend and I dated for over 2 years and got to the point where he said he had enough and doesn't want to be with me, but still loves me. He had enough of our make up break up cycle due to our bad communication. I've always tried to communicate and I've talked about the issues, he didn't listen to me or he avoided the conversations. Since the break up we haven't seen each other for 3 days during which he texted me calling me babe and writing kisses. I didn't text back because I didn't know what he wanted by that right after he said he wanted to just be friends. Even his brother emailed me during that time and he never does that.

Then my bf/ex came today to my place, brought me some presents, my favorite dishes in fact. And he had to go right after. As he was leaving he said he'll came to sleep over to my place with me by night. I asked why. Because again I didn't know why. Was it out of conveniece, like friends, lovers, what? He didn't say anything but he wanted to kiss me a few times which I refused but gently, as I was very hurt and confused by him. And wanted to know for sure where I stand. I wanted to hear it, to talk, even a little, and he wasn't in such a rush. He didn't answer my question, he said- for nothing and just left.

I stayed shocked how could he play with me and my emotions like that, why did he came then anyway? So I ran after him and catched him in his car. He just opened a window and I asked why did you leave just like that? He said- because I did, I left. I went back home ashamed why did I go after him with other people, neighbours, watching us. For a answer of course, to get a peace of mind, but I got a knife in my back.

We do love each other, I've told him I loved him 3 days ago, and he did to. Why is he acting like this? It's driving me crazy. Why this drama, I'm really going nuts, and now I think I had enough. He is 30!

Somebody please say something, thanks. Did I do wrong?

You didn't do nothing wrong!
He wants to play with you and you should stop wondering why?Why this, why that?
I don't know your age but if you're in your 20s the way he plays reminds me of my ex he was always treating me this way!(he is 33 and I'm 22)
Move on and just go NC!
Best way to heal...

Thanks mistyjane. I'm 23 by the way. I know it doesn't matter why but I'm most likely venting here since it has all just happened a few hours ago.
What was the deal between you and your ex, if I may ask? He had an affair, he didn't love you, or he was just a jerk by nature.. (I'm just curious and would like to hear a bit from someone who went through this).

Actions speak louder than words.

Seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to continue a relationship. Why torture yourself by staying in contact with an ex?

Go your separate ways so that you can heal from the break up.

Well to me it sounds like he is playing with your emotions. Sounds like he doesn't want to be alone, but doesn't want to be in a relationship either. It seems like he knows how hurt you are, and that's why he is stringning you along. He gets what he wants, you get nothing.
It's hard to judge what's going on in someone else's head. I wouldn't let this guy use you for his emotional well being. You have to think about yourself! It's worse to continuously feel pain, then to feel pain and get over it. Maybe you should end all contact with you ex, until you feel comfortable seeing him again.
And unless you want to be a booty call, DO NOT let him sleep over as friends OR lovers!

No he had no affair, he loved me but who cares? He's not able to make up his mind.So he want's to be free and at the same time he wants to be with me... This love was taking all my energy.I Discovered real sexual pleasure and complicity with him... So yes it was hard to move on and go NC.
But it is the way to go!Protect yourself I know the make up breakup thing... Doesn't lead no where.

Yeah, except for the fact I wasn't in contact with him. He broke up and then texted me for 3 days, I didn't reply. He came to my place today for some of his stuf, just for two or three things, not at all all of them. We didn't live together but he was at my place sometimes and he has a lot of his things here.

I wasn't even at home when he came to my place so he waited for me in the front of my door with food and everything. Why bother so much to just arguee and break up again in the end? It's just plain sick or mean.

I want to heal but it seems like he feels he can do whatever he wants and now I have to wait as I will not contact him, for him again to make up his mind, and go and take his stuf away or what.

It's silly and hurtful. How can he be like this after 2 years? We had a very nice time together in general. This is all all of a sudden.

I'm sorry I know it doesn't matter why, but it sucks without any closure. Especially when I run and embaresed myself in front of everyone asking for it, and still didn't get it. Well yes, now that's my ego talking...

You said it yourself, it's just plain sick and mean.
Here is how to get some closure.
Pack up all of his stuff in a garbage bas, and leave it on the front step. Tell him to stop calling and stop dropping by, unless he wants to appoligize for his actions, and if he wants to do that then tell him to write a letter.
People break up all the time, that's life. It just wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason!
Don't give him the chance to hurt you, tell him you are trying to move on and as should he.

Hi Toxicc, I was in a very toxic relationship for nearly ten years with someone who I thought loved me. He broke up with me many times, and I was the one that was faithful, but yet he said he loved me, but was no longer in love with me. Each time he broke up with me, it was to see if the grass was greaner, yet, he would still give me just a little crumb to hold onto, so that he could fall back on me when his other relationships and single life fell through, and of course I stayed with him. Through the relationship, I forgot about the fact that none of my needs were being met, it was like an obsessive need to be with this guy and I did everything I could to try to prove that we were in love to everyone including myself. In the end, he dumped me during a really vulnerable time in my life. I lost my 20's, and am now over a year without him, he is getting married to someone else, yet he is repeating the same pattern with her as he did with me. I suggest you sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship you have with this person, and you might be surprised to discover that the bad outweighs the good. For instance, can you truly depend on him to be there for you through the good and the bad times? Doesn't seem like it, since he is running away instead of communicating with you to see if things can be fixed. He may not have cheated on you (yet), but believe me he has one foot out the door looking for someone else. Don't give up your youth for someone you have to convince that you are good for. They should already know that. Good luck!

For sure he is doing what he wants and ignores your feelings and has for some time now. That's not fair, so instead of waiting for him to make up his mind and give you closure, get your own closure, and pack up his stuff, tell him to get it before the garbage man does and cut all contact with him whatsoever.

Then you can heal, after the shock, and emotional dust settles.

As hard as it may be to cut him from your life, its easier than being played like a fiddle for the whims of a insecure, immature would be player, and manipulator.

Haven't you invest enough time, effort, and emotions on this guy??

This is a general question but I'd like to know your view on this, thanks.
If you've been in several serious or long term relationships and you thought you loved them but it has never worked out for whatever reason, do you think it wasn't true love?
What is true love for you? Isn't every love true if you're honest with yourself and that person?
I don't believe in "the one", "mr.right", "one love" and so on... I believe "that" is when it's bothsided, mature and responsible.
I don't want to get married, but I believe in love. For those who are married or about to, can you imagine your life without him/her? I think I will always be able to do that. Everything other than "yes" for the answer is called dependency.
Your thoughts?

Great question!! I've been in 3 long term/serious relationships. I believe at the time of being in the relationship I couldn't imagine my life without them, however having moved on and into another, it's clearly obvious that life goes on and that I am indeed happy now. A part of me believes in the idea of "The One", I don't believe it's very realistic and I definitely don't believe that there is someone for everyone out there. I believe that the love I felt for my first 2 serious relationships was true love, but 2 different types of love. My 1st one was what most would consider puppy love because we were so young (me 14, him 20) together for 3 yrs. The 2nd was more of a friend love, he was there for me when I needed him, I got pregnant and we got married. We were like bestfriends, which eventually killed the passion. We were together for 7 yrs. My current relationship is going great and I love him dearly even though he makes me crazy haha. We've been together for 6 years. This to me is the mature been there done that kind of love, less likely to let the little sh*t ruin the relationship :D Clearly at the time of each relationship I did believe that I was in true love.

this is a general question but i'd like to know your view on this, thanks.
if you've been in several serious or long term relationships and you thought you loved them but it has never worked out for whatever reason, do you think it wasn't true love?
what is true love for you? isn't every love true if you're honest with yourself and that person?
i don't believe in "the one", "mr.right", "one love" and so on...i believe "that" is when it's bothsided, mature and responsible.
i don't wanna get married, but i believe in love. for those who are married or about to, can you imagine your life without him/her? i think i will always be able to do that. everything other than "yes" for the answer is called dependency.
your thoughts?

Love is all about balance. You can love a person deeply, and that alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, many times due to circumstances like abuse, addictions, etc. Love is something that sustains the test of time, and becomes less of a romantic adventure, than it does of a very deep commitment.

Some run away from loving someone because they cannot accept being truly loved. Maybe immaturity, or lack of experience in life, or just simply that love makes them uncomfortable. I've known many who are incapable of giving love, and receiving love.

Being in love, and being married because of that love, is a wonderful thing. I have been married almost 34 years now, and can say that we have weathered storms that would have seen most couples divorced. It is a level of commitment, friendship, respect, and an unshakable bond that I'd say goes beyond what most have ever experienced.

Can I imagine my life without him? Even after all these years? Sure I can. I wouldn't believe anybody that isn't realistic in this regard. Being independent within a relationship, having the freedom to live your life, your career, have your own interests etc. is not something I would give up.Being strong in your own right, and respecting your partner as an equal with goals and dreams is all part of the relationship. You roll with the punches, and the ups and downs of living your life, while at the same time, maturing and changing together.

With the divorce rate hovering around 50% last I read in the paper, I have to wonder just how realistic people are about their love for each other.

But, regardless, should something happen that I would find myself suddenly single, would not mean that I never truly loved my partner.

I don't believe in the whole "the one" thing, but I do believe in falling in love with someone that they make you feel that way. If me and my fiancé broke up, it wouldn't mean I didn't love her. It just meant our paths are heading in different directions, that our love was meant to last a certain time and not forever. I loved my ex girlfriend, even though we didn't work out I still know I loved her.

You can love someone without wanting to spend your life with them.

I believe just because you can see your life without someone doesn't mean you want to.

Love is all about compromise, truth and compassion. Finding someone you want to share your life with, not someone that is your life.

I have had two long term relationship and loved them both in very different ways, but I was committed to both of them at the time and still in a way love them and the memories that we created together. In every relationship, love or friendship, long or short term is about learning. You learn from them and they, hopefully learn something from you.

But relationship and love are two different things in my mind. A relationship cannot work without love, be a loving or friendship relationship you have to be engaged. We can put 'definites' on a relationship because we can choose it and can choose to leave it. But love chooses us. You don't choose who you love. Or what that love does to you. You can only choose your reaction to it.

There is a quote from a movie "I'm pretty sure I could live without you, but I'm not sure I'd want too" it pretty much sums up how I feel about the situation

If you want to have friends that are just “yours”, and you mostly want to keep them separate from your partner, you will be called possessive and controlling for wanting to isolate him or her, and maybe even accused of cheating if it's about friends of opposite sex.
If you on the other hand want to hang out all the time together with mutual friends, that is also labeled controlling as you wish to be a bit of too huge part of his life and you may be called a smothering partner.
Neither way is good and I want to ask where the balance is?
What if one partner is one way, another one the other?

I have a problem with my boyfriend that he always invites himself to meet my new friends and it ends up with him going everywhere with me to meet them. Not just once, or a few times, he wants to become very good with them. They like him and I don't mind but I would like to talk with only them sometimes as they were my friends first to start with and I had the need for that. I feel like my boyfriend is controlling me with it but he sees it as nothing but socializing. I don't want to be in a place one day where all the people I know are people he knows. If we breakup one day, I'll have no one as I wouldn't want to see him anymore, and that would be difficult if we had just mutual friends. Is that maybe what he plans, as we do argue a lot lately, but we're not about to breakup.

He invites me to go with him and his friends, whom I don't mind, but I encourage him to go alone, as I think it's good for us and as I don't really find his friends that interesting. That led me to the place where I refuse or find excuses not to go with his friends, and not to go with my friends neither, as I say to him that he goes with my because I can't stand being together all the time. When I do say I'm going alone and I rudely don't invite him, as I know he would come otherwise, he later asks me how it was and I can see he would be happier if he came too.

How to handle this? He is quite sensitive and he even cries how I don't show enough affection to him in public, or I don't start it first. I explained I'm just that way and it doesn't mean I don't love him, but it didn't work. Is he being manipulative, as I am not cold.
Thanks.

He sounds a little needy,with that comes insecurity and possivessness...

I agree that you both need separate time apart,and doing other activities.

How about suggesting a girls night out with your friends and telling him it's a GIRLS night out..

Another night,you could try blending both sets of friends.

The fact the you want to keep your friends separate in case you split is I suppose a trait you might adopt if you had doubts about the relationship,not because they are another part of your life,but in case you split... thats a little red flag in your thinking about the relationship.

If he is getting upset because you are not showing enough affection,and you feel your not cold,again,perhaps another sign of him being needy for your attention,he may be afraid he's going to lose you or has become too dependent on you for emotional and social support.

Open communication and honesty is important,having a talk with him and express your need for time on your own,and with your friends without his company,that's a need for you,find out where the balance is for both of you.

It was only after reading your other posts, that I started to get some insights into your dilemma. I also read this one also,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/what-its-like-when-your-love-one-sees-psychiatrist-448674.html

It's the only one that couldn't be merged here, but they all paint a better picture of what's going on here.

You both have many fears, and issues, that need to be confronted on a personal basis, and the biggest conflict I see is your expectations on how you should treat each other, going forward.

You are independent, in thoughts, and actions, and want to stay that way, where he is a lot more emotiona,l and needy. These were probably the very qualities that attracted you at first to each other, but now those same qualities have been a source of irritation, and second thoughts.

He is getting help for his issues, (to keep you, no doubt) but I wonder if you have the same willingness to make changes for him? I somehow don't think so.

When you came here you were on the verge of a break up? What happened to get you back together?

We just did. We got back together because we love each other and we know we have problems and are willing to work on them. He is finally making an effort about it and I’m so glad and that's what attracted me to him even more. I promised I will try to improve myself too. Why do you think I don't want to change? I used to be the only one doing that not just trying like him, so I got a little tired and felt kind of used by him not making enough effort, a bit of frustrated too, and that made him that way. Now it's different. We really hope we will work our things out. I think I learned to approach him more softly and patiently as he really dislikes arguments which I think are healthy and normal. He also opened up to me more and showed me parts of himself I’ve never seen before. I was clueless about him being that way so now I changed my attitude in communicating with him and when I see it's going in a wrong way, we just stop and go all over again in a right way when it's the right time. I can't believe it is so simple and it makes a big step forward in our relationship. We still do have issues but we go on slowly, day by day...

Threads merged
My by and I were talking, and he mentioned a name of a guy I was out with on a drink. He's just a new friend from college, nothing more nothing less. We barely see each other. I'm positive I've told my boyfriend I was on a drink with him, but I'm hundred percent sure I haven't told him his name. It's a peculiar one, and I would remember telling him. Why would I tell him anyway, he's practically no one to me and vice versa.

At the moment it happened my boyfriend made a strange face, squeezed his eyes oddly and I looked at him with a suspicion- how could he possibly know his name? But I just went on with a conversation like nothing happened, pretending I've realized I've must have told him. I don't know why I felt at that moment like I want to laugh at his face. So I just changed the subject. I really have nothing to hide but I've never expected him spying on me.

It happened a day or two after my friend and I had a drink, so I would remember telling him details about that, I've just mentioned it very briefly. I'm positive he snooped and found about him from my messages. It's not that I kept quiet because I'm unsure of it. I didn't want an argument and I felt sorry for him. I didn't want to put him through trouble nor embarrass him. I'm sure he wouldn't admit it and say that he guessed the name or I've told him, but it would be an obvious lie. This is maybe no big deal but it is a shock to me. I thought he trusted me and I didn't give him a reason not to. I think I should have confronted him about it when it happened because now it will be like discussing past mistakes and being annoying. What now?

How about confronting the real problem first. He obviously became insecure enough after you announced having a drink with this fellow that he decided to check up on you. That's the real issue, that he didn't express himself at the time. At that point its not about trust, but his own insecurity, and had you calmly brought out that fact when he slipped and mentioned his name, then maybe it could be dealt with in the open. But now his actions have you taking his actions personally, and that's not good because while you both are caught up in your own personal feelings, you fail to recognize the lack of true communications, through honest expressions of how you feel.

I think you back up, and deal with his real feelings over you having a drink with this fellow, acknowledge that you know it bothers him, and start from there. Maybe he can then see your side of being trusted and how important that is to you.

Confronting someone usually makes them defensive, and not open to co operating, because they are overwhelmed, and feel attacked.

Ok, but what if I tried to communicate it with him nicely not to upset him, but he denied the fact it bothers him. I didn't even say I knew about his snooping around, but I just wanted him to express his concerns he obviously has about my male friend. I couldn't even get that from him. There is no way he'll admit it, even when it's clear I know about it. So how can I make him feel better and more secure?

It's getting worse. I went with this guy on a drink again; we had some unfinished stuff to discuss. Our relationship is not even a friendship, we see each other because we have to, and we have nothing in common. I've told my boyfriend I’m going and ask if that's OK with him. He said of course. And then out of nowhere I got a call from him in the middle of my hanging out with this guy, saying he's at the town with a friend, about what I wasn't informed like I did it to him, asking where are we, can he join us, with a lame excuse.

I would never ask for such a thing uninvited and I think he's crossing the boundaries of privacy. I won't even take this personal, but am I wrong of thinking he's jealous and controlling or he's just clueless. I have no idea what to do now.

Unless you can have an adult discussion about the things that bother you,the two of you are on a slippery slope.

Talk to him.

Brushing things under the carpet doesn't make them go away.

Yes he is jealous and wants to see for himself what's going on. He is not a great communicator of his feelings and I think you will have to gently take his hand and guide him through it. Its all about honest expressions of how you both feel. Not "i Love you" or "me too!"

If my wife had ask me if it was okay to join me with a friend, I would have just said "sure", and not given it a second thought.

I have done that with all my exes, why not, its healthy to meet you're partners friends, and reassuring. (even though you're not that good of friends are you?)