Hi there, my husband and I live in a very isolated part of Australia. There are a lot of young families here for work - Living away from their families and friends back on the coast. We have become close to another married couple, which has been nice for company and support.
On Sunday my friend was rushed to hospital, later that night we heard the sad news that her fallopian tube had ruptured due to an Ectopic Pregnancy. This news came as such a shock because they had done well at keeping the pregnancy a secret - she was in her eighth week. My husband and I are probably their closest friends here, we met them at church the week they moved here eight months ago. Like us, they have no family here. So when I heard this news I felt like we really needed to show them care and support.

On Monday I went to visit my friend in hospital, I took her flowers and a "Thinking of you Balloon", nice smelling soaps and special things just for her. I thought that if I was in her position, I would need a friend. My husband phoned her husband to pass on some dinner I had made for him. (At church we always cook for each other when a family is sick or in crisis).
The next day I phoned the hospital to see how she was doing and to see if she felt like any visitors. She sounded really tired and a bit down. It didn't sound like she wanted to see anyone so I suggested we give her some space to rest. After I had called her I saw a text message she had sent that morning saying - No visitors today thanks. I then felt silly for calling her.

I left her alone yesterday and just sent a text saying. Sorry I didn't get your text yesterday, hope your getting some much needed rest. Thinking of you both, Love Ames xx. I had made another meal for her hubby which he collected.

My husband says that I should just leave them alone and give them space to grieve, which I understand. I just feel so awful for them and want to help, he says I'm being overwealming and should back off. She called last night to say thanks for the meal (She is home now) but I was out. My husband told her that we'd get together later on when she was feeling up to it (In other words, we'll give them some space). I have no intention of calling in or anything like that, I understand that she is in a world of hurt right now and needs space. I feel bad that my gestures may be seen as "Overbearing" I just want to be a good friend. I feel so tearful.. Here we are with our little baby (We have a 10mnth son), and she has lost something she wanted so badly, she must feel like life is so unfair...

It's so lonely here right now - My closest friend is in despair and there is nothing I can do but to stay away...

How can I tell if I'm being "Overbearing"? What can I do for her later on when time has past and they have had time to heal? Should I wait till she calls me even if a couple of weeks pass?



Ames

What a sweet and wonderful friend you are. Please don't despair. I in no way see your actions as overbearing. Sadly, nothing will make them both feel better other than time. It's one of the most difficult roles of friendship, knowing what to do and when to do it during these very difficult times. What you did was an act of love, and I promise you when your friends pain lifts a little, she will more then know she is blessed to have such a good friend.

Give them a little time. Perhaps instead of calling, in a couple of days you could drop them a card, just to let them know you are there for them. This way, they can respond when they are feeling up to it.

In the meantime, know anyone would be so lucky to have you as a friend.

A friend gives a friend what they need, She needs space and time.

Yes - give some time. They need to deal with this in their own way. You were there for them and will continue to be there for them. That doesn't mean you have to call or see them every other day. An occasional quick call is appropriate but don't push things. There is a fine line between being a friend and, as your husband says, being overbearing. Be sure not to cross it.

It may be that her pain has, in some way, became your pain and that confusion isn't good, if that is how it occurred. Only you can gauge that. And only she can heal from this and in her own time and manner. It is important not to be overwhelming to people who have been devastated since they are fragile. But I don't see that you have. If you can see that you have done enough, then you are on safe ground. But if you still have some urge to "heal her pain", then some sort of boundary (albeit a silent, emotional one) has been crossed and you will need to pull back a bit, and maybe even look at what that is about?

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes other people's grief triggers our own. I am a big believer that you are never really "done" grieving any loss. Its really a matter of not so much getting over it as much as getting used to it. Was there some loss you experienced in which you did not receive enough consoling? Its never too late to offer that to yourself or seek it from a loved one. So maybe you have revisited something from your past -- which is perfectly okay, especially since it helps us to remain compassioned for ourselves and each other.

I hope that helps you sort out what is what. My condolences to your friend, Ames.

You are a concern person... not with standing a good friend... friends are pushy... my goodness... you did not read your email... the moral of this story read your email before you leave the house... your friend just experience a tragedy and there is nothing you can do about that... but be there... period... OK... keep the faith... blessed

We can all genuinely see your pain and love for your friend. That is a good thing and you are an honourable person.

But I think if your husband thinks you are being over bearing then you probably are.

So just back off, let them deal with how they need to and I'm sure she knows that whenever she needs you, you are there for her. No need to constantly remind her.

Wonderful words of wisdom there Ames. I would honour and respect them and just hold tight, one thing you wouldn't want to do is push them away completely because they feel backed into a corner so shut themselves off completely from you and your husband.

All the best, I know you are trying to be a good friend. Just hold tight and be there for when they are ready to talk, how ever long it takes.

I am a big believer that you are never really "done" grieving any loss. Its really a matter of not so much getting over it as much as getting used to it.

Yes! I have found this to be true in my own experience. To be "done" would be to abandon what was valuable and precious in the relationship or loved one we have lost. Learning to live with the loss is to distill that value into a form that is both portable and durable.