My husband is living in Boston, MA. And I am living in Atlanta, GA now for both works. After we have the house issue in May 2009, he didn't call me anymore. Since then it has been 10 months already. Is this he showing me his disrespectful or something else? As my understood, he does not want to divorce me but he waits me to go back him after I lost my job. What should I do?

It does not sound to me like he wants you anywhere.

I usually don/t go a day without talking with my lady let alone 10 months.

I personally do not believe in divorce, with the exceptions of violence and adultery, but you may be looking at an abandonment problem.

If, for exampled he knows you are unemployed and has still not told you he would like you with him speaks volumes to me.

His friend told me, he would not agree my requested for half and half rule base on marriage law, also he will not divorce me. If I don't want quit job and move to him, he will just living this way until I become an unemployed and go to him myself.
Since he gambling money form stock and borrow money from credit card, I afraid we will bankrupt someday. So I ask rents money for emergence fund and ask for his half salary goes to my account after I quit job to MA (We have separate accounts). Then he got excrement anger and disconnect with me, even on Christmas time and on my Birthday. I actually still care of him but also don't want living this way. I sent him e-mail again and again, he never replies; I tried to see him on Christmas but he does not want.
I would not loss my job in three years until my project finished. I couldn't understand how a man could disconnect his wife for 10 months and even for a few years and don't want solve the problem as soon as possible? Is this meaning he is a controlling person?
What should I do? Please help and thanks!

Minimally you should consult an Attorney - you are married, you are responsible for his debts whether you live together.

You need to protect yourself.

As far as whether he's controlling and why he hasn't contacted you in 10 months, why don't you contact him and ask? He is, after all, your husband.


Please don't keep posting the same question - asked and answered. Multiple postings will not generate more responses.


No one understands how/why anyone else thinks/acts. He appears to be abusive. I have no idea what half and half marriage rule your friend is quoting.

YOU NEED LEGAL ADVICE.

If he hasn’t talked to you in 10 months, I think it’s safe to say that your marriage is over. He’s not in love with you anymore or he wouldn’t be distancing himself from you.

Why don’t you simply divorce him and move on? You deserve better- Find someone who cares enough to at least call you!

I'd suggest that it's over and that you need to get good legal advice.

He's not interested in being with you any more.

This is not disrespect, it's abandonment.

I'd suggest that it's over and that you need to get good legal advice.

He's not interested in being with you any more.

This is not disrespect, it's abandonment.
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If it is abandonment, should I continue to communicate with him? We are not divorce now, so I still call him or e-mail him for keeping communication. My call was for discussing family issues, like paying our son's school bills, fixing house problems , etc. My e-mails are for communicating with him for our marriage problems, I told him my feeling, my concern and my suggestions. But it is only one side of communication. He answers my phone but never replies my e-mail, or calls me for discussing family issues. He just does what ever he wants to do.
Please advice

Whether you communicate with him is immaterial. He has abandoned the marriage if all the contact comes from you.

What do you plan to do? Divorce him? Continue to live in this fashion?

I have talked with two Attorneys; both of them said I might not be able to have alimony from him since I am working and able to support myself. But I might lose my job anytime. I am a contract employee without any benefits; and I supported him 19 years for his successful (took care kid, did all of the house works, made money for famliy cost and etc.). And now his salary is four times more than mine.

I am worrying about my finance problem after divorce, and I have language problem (English is no my language). He knows this also.
I wish I still keep the marriage, but I don't want living in this fashion. What should I do? Please suggest, and thanks again!

I think you spend some time thinking about where you want your life to be in, say, a year. Do you want to still be in this relationship?

I have no idea why an Attorney believes you won't be entitled to some type of spousal support. I certainly understand your concern about finances and supporting yourself. When you speak to an Attorney ask whether there can be an agreement or settlement that provides for an amount now and a raised amount if/when you lose your employment. The Court SHOULD look at the past history of the marriage and that includes you supporting him for a number of years. In some States if he was in school during that time you "own" his professional license (if he has one) and, therefore, you "own" a percentage of his income.

If you want to hold onto the marriage, if that is your choice, then you have to somehow, in some fashion, sit your husband down and address these issues with him - live and in person!

You sound frightened and I'm sure he knows this. You have to get beyond that and begin to think about what will happen next in your life, what you WANT to happen next in your life.

(Your English is very good - you express yourself very well.)

This is my frustration. I did not quit my job and move with him when he got his new job in Boston on Oct. 2008, one of reason is I need some time to think my marriage problem. Divorce - I might be unable to support myself if I lose my job; Stay in my marriage - I have no safety feeling anymore. I do afraid him to tread me this way. And he is not willing to sit down and to talk for my concerns.

Tears came to my eyes after I read your messages. You are so helpful! I was so lonely. I appreciated for all of your suggestions and your encouragement.

This is my frustration. I did not quit my job and move with him when he got his new job in Boston on Oct. 2008, because I need some time to think my marriage problem. Divorce - I might be unable to support myself if I lose my job; Stay in my marriage - I have no safety feeling anymore. I do afraid him to tread me this way. And he is not willing to sit down and to talk for my concerns.

Tears came to my eyes after I read your messages. You are so helpful! I was so lonely. I appreciated for all of your suggestions and your encouragement.

Can you find an attorney who does speak your native language? This is complicated and you need to understand every detail. You do have options. You need to find out what they are and decide which way you want to go.

No, there is no one in my list could speak my native language. And the attorneys I talked were not patient. They said, “If you both could not get divorce agreement then the court would be offering a judgment. But nobody can guarantee you if you can or how much alimony you would have�.
And you are definitely right, I need fully understanding every detail if I need to go to a court.

I now understood that I have three options.

1 Divorce
2 Stay in my marriage/getting together
3 Stay in my marriage/separation

I don’t want stay in my marriage/separation, so only two options left now.

If divorce, I need some alimony from him. He did was in school for his PHD and his residence practice during 1995 to 2004;
If stay in my marriage, he needs respecting my request for protecting family bankrupt, and don’t tread me this way again even we could not get agreement.

But he does not want to talk whatever how to solve my concerns or how to divorce for my alimony and properties division. He wants stay in marriage/separation until I am unemployed or I get tire.
So I am sticking here, and very painful after I knew I am abandonment.
I am seeking a way that can help me getting out from here and move on forward. This is why I came here and talking. My meaning is to help me analysis why he abandonment me but does not want to divorce? Or how can I get him to face our problems.

No, there is no one in my list could speak my native language.

Perhaps you could expand your list. Have you contacted the Embassy of your home country? They may have a list of attornies you could speak with.

You can't force anyone to do anything. The only person you can control is you.

You cannot force your husband to talk to you, communicate with you, love you.

You need to speak to an Attorney - I think I understand you just fine and I'm an American, not someone from your native Country.

You need to find out where you stand legally. I see you making excuses for not doing that.

You made me more confident with my English, at least in writing. Thanks so much!

I was living with a Narcissist husband who financial abused me for 22 Years (we are now separated living for 2 years already). And he has started to gambling money and to borrow money form credit cards. And he has used silent treatment to me for 1.5 year already. Please advice for how to rescue a Narcissist? I still want to save him. Help please!

If you are living separately can we assume you're getting a divorce? Why do you want to fix him then? Why not complete the divorce and seek a better life.

You cannot help someone who does not want help,and you can't make anyone who has an addiction seek help until they realise it for themselves.

If he's not talking to you and not in contact there is not much you can do,however I am curious how you came to know of his gambling and borrow money from credit cards,if your not in contact.

Aside from that,the best you can do is help yourself,get back on your feet and start anew,with new goals and aims.

I was living with a Narcissist husband who financial abused me for 22 Years (we are now separated living for 2 years already). And he has started to gambling money and to borrow money form credit cards. And he has used silent treatment to me for 1.5 year already. Please advice for how to rescue a Narcissist? I still want to save him. Help please!

He is a broken human being, but it's not your job to fix him. You've wasted 22 years of your life trying to save him from himself. Now when you're finally free, please focus on yourself and leave him behind. Maybe you could see a counselor, because you sound codependent too.

Good luck.

you cannot help someone who does not want help,and you can't make anyone who has an addiction seek help untill they realise it for themselves.

if hes not talking to you and not in contact there is not much you can do,however i am curious how you came to know of his gambling and borrow money from credit cards,if your not in contact.

aside from that,the best you can do is help yourself,get back on your feet and start anew,with new goals and aims.

He moved to MA for his new job on 2008 (not for separation) and I am still in GA now since I need time to think our marriage problem. And he stopped to contact me on May 2009 since I said "NO" to him for our house issues (but I still keep to call him sometimes for discussing our family issues till now) and he started to gambling money on 2008.
I am afraid to seek a new aim since there is still 50% percentage to meet a narcissist.

It isn't him that needs rescued it is you.

After 22 years, don't you think it's time to think for yourself? I would suggest counselling to help you see that you cannot 'rescue' anybody that doesn't want to be rescued, nor can you change anybody's behaviour, but your own.

The problem isn't that you are some sort of victim here, as much as it is why you still choose to be.

Until you figure out why you stay with this man, at least protect yourself in the meanwhile. Maybe consider a legal separation in order to protect any assets that could see you in a lot of financial hot water. Credit cards, lines of credit, 2nd and 3rd mortgages on the house, liens on cars etc. If he is an addicted gambler, you may not see entirely what he has done to support his addiction, until you have lost everything.

I cannot see why you stay from what you have written so far.

I am afraid to seek a new aim since there is still 50% percentage to meet a narcissist.I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that 50% of men are narcissistic?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that 50% of men are narcissistic?
Yes.

That's a sad way to go through life with that way of thinking. You shouldn't attribute one person's attributes to a whole group. Perhaps you have a way of being attracted to these types of people?

It isn't him that needs rescued it is you.

After 22 years, don't you think it's time to think for yourself? I would suggest counselling to help you see that you cannot 'rescue' anybody that doesn't want to be rescued, nor can you change anybody's behaviour, but your own.

The problem isn't that you are some sort of victim here, as much as it is why you still choose to be.

Until you figure out why you stay with this man, at least protect yourself in the meanwhile. Maybe consider a legal separation in order to protect any assets that could see you in a lot of financial hot water. Credit cards, lines of credit, 2nd and 3rd mortgages on the house, liens on cars etc. If he is an addicted gambler, you may not see entirely what he has done to support his addiction, until you have lost everything.

I cannot see why you stay from what you have written so far.

I choose him for his good moral, honest (he tells me everything), well education and stable career (he is PHD and work hard). He loves me but also hurts me since his personality (he does not realize he hurts me. Narcissist does not know anything about his bad).

That's a sad way to go through life with that way of thinking. You shouldn't attribute one person's attributes to a whole group. Perhaps you have a way of being attracted to these types of people?

No. This is why I am asking for helping. I just treat him like a child. What I did is no conditional loving him (He is my husband, not others) until I know he borrows money and wouldn’t to listen me.

More of the story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/how-deal-disrespectful-husband-443459.html

That's a sad way to go through life with that way of thinking. You shouldn't attribute one person's attributes to a whole group. Perhaps you have a way of being attracted to these types of people?

No. This is why I am asking for helping. I just treat him like a child. What I did is no conditional loving him (He is my husband, not others) until I know he is gambling and wouldn’t to listen me.


If you are living separately can we assume you're getting a divorce? Why do you want to fix him then? Why not complete the divorce and seek a better life.

No. We are not divorce yet, even not legal separation. We separate living is for his job and my job (this is my reason but is not true reason. The true reason is I afraid of his financial abuse me if I quit my job. He does not want to share me his salary).
If I divorce him, I might be single forever. I am afraid to find other man I never know.

You need to protect yourself-financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. If you are vulnerable to his problems you aren't going to be able to be a strong support for anyone in any way.

What has all this taught your son? Are those lessons you want to continue?

You started taking control of your life when you refused to move for his work. It doesn't matter what reasons or excuses you had/have for not making the move. What matters is that you stood up for yourself and said 'no'. Now, you need to follow through.

Help yourself and your son. Your husband is old enough to be responsible for his own problems.

Has your husband been diagnosed as having a Narcissist personality.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The narcissistic personality disorder is one of the top three most difficult personality disorders to treat. It is defined as an ongoing pattern of grandiosity and need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. It should be noted that it is three times more common in males than females. These individuals have an obvious self love, and believe they are knowledgeable and indeed expert in a wide variety of areas. They are usually shocked when they are not praised for their efforts. These individuals are preoccupied with success and power. They feel they are gifted and talented. They may make statements like, “I have a photographic memory,” when in reality they do not. They rarely admit to a mistake or wrongdoing. They rarely apologize when the occasion arises. These individuals insist on having the best of everything. They are grossly defensive, and unable to look at themselves objectively. They have an inflated and false sense of entitlement, and lack of sensitivity towards others. They feel they deserve whatever they want or need. These individuals are extremely self-absorbed. If they are giving, they usually give monetarily, and are unable to give emotionally. They are viewed by others as arrogant and snobbish, act condescendingly towards healthcare providers and therapists in the assessment phase. It is also very common for these individuals to act ingratiatingly and very complimentary in the first session, very similar to traits found in sociopathic personality disorder. These individuals are extremely sensitive to criticism, although may not show it outwardly. When their shortcomings are targeted, however, they may appear extremely wounded.

If he has then you have little to no hope of changing him no matter what you do, all you can do is protect yourself and any children you may have...

You either stay with him and his problems, or you don't, but protect yourself against his bad behavior, especially after a few years. Time to do something besides complain and talk.

Blaming his behavior on a disorder is convenient, but serves no purpose but give you an excuse to do NOTHING.

As told in your other post (merged with this one) talk to a lawyer and take a translator with you or write it out for him what you want to know.

Where there is a will, there is always a way.

Don't just sit and do nothing! Do you like living this way? I think you both need serious therapy.

Don't just sit and do nothing! Do you like living this way? I think you both need serious therapy.

I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.:confused:

I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.:confused:
Life is what you make it. If you choose to continue down a path that keeps you hurting then no one can help you but yourself.

Originally Posted by cxh0202
I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.
Those words are mine. I fail everyday. I am lifted by my prayers and when the Lord see's I am in over my head he lifts me.. When I have been broken by loss or suffering he carries me.

Maybe you shoulbe honest with yourself. You put me down when I am being honest or giving an opinion by using my words against me. That's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't apologize for saying you need therapy. You do.

There is an old saying from years ago. "Tell the truth and shame the devil". And I do not agree with your saying 50% of men are narcissistic. Where did you get that?

I felt you are NOT one to "Forgive Me When I Fail, Lift Me When I Fall, Carry Me When I Am Broken." Your words are hurtful.:confused:


Your comment to kitkat - who is trying to help you - is unfair. The way to be helped is not to criticize those doing the helping.

Maybe you like to live with the drama.

I will note this person has a attitude problem, some of their posts were merged, and several deleted, They are all upset over us doing that and will not accept our opinion of their being very close in content and theme.

I ended that complaint by closing that thread.

So I would say that some people like to complain and feel sorry for theirself, but when it comes to doing something to help they would rather complain.

Perhaps it is easier to live with the bad that you know than to take risks and move ahead with your life.

To the OP, you have no right insulting the people giving you advice, you may not like it, but you came here asking for it, You got a lot of advice, some better than others,

The best advice was to get profeesional counseling to help you deal specificly with your issues and to help make the harder choices