I have no idea what to do.

My fiancé of 6 years told me last week that he is not sure how he feels about me anymore, that he loves me but is not sure he feels a "connection" anymore.

In many ways I cannot blame him. I have had a number of very negative and traumatic things happen to me in my life and these have effected the way I build and keep relationships with not just my fiancé but the few friends that I have too.

I have pushed him away constantly and hidden my feelings for fear of getting hurt, even though he is the kindest and most sincere person you could ever wish to meet. He is a true gentleman. I have been working really hard at letting my guard down, I guess just not quick enough.

We are both devastated and have agreed to try and see if there is anyway in which we can work things out but right now Im at a loss as to what to do.

I have said I will be patient and try and let him work it out, God knows he has shown me enough patience, but I don't know how to handle it all. One minute he wants it to work and is positive, the next he can't even look me in the eye.

He says it is his fault, that it is him who has changed but I know he is just tryng to protect me and that it is my lack of intimacy that has ruined things. I am so angry for letting my past ruin my future.

What the hell do we do? We're 32, live together near my university, hours away from home, have everything vested in each other. I don't have any friends that I am close enough to talk to about this and I have no family. He refuses to speak to his mum or dad about it because he feels he is letting them down and he refuses to go to councilling because of his uncertainty about how he feels about me.

We have always been honest with each other and are only confiding in each other, and I am trying so hard to be strong, objective and patient but I have no idea how we should move forward with this?

Any advice would be very grateully received because right now I feel like I am breaking.

Couple's therapy is what I would suggest-are you sure he won't change his mind about that?
If he still refuses,I suggest you find a therapist for you,to help you cope with your own issues.
You need to confide in someone.

Also,stop blaming yourself,it's not fair that you accept all the blame for his
Possible change of heart and for the situation.

Ask him if he is sure that that he no longer feels a connection, or if he is just not feeling comfortable?

I can relate to your story to a degree. My fiancé shares very little of her emotions with me, if she cries and stuff I rarely know why. I am patient with her. Also I had to kill a few aspects of myself in order to not lose my head with the lack of intimacy we had in our relationship.

Slowly I was dying, little by little until one day I did not feel anything at all. We almost broke up then. I told her how I felt, and she shared some feelings. Huge fight, lots of tears and then the strangest most awkward 2 weeks of my life.

We also lived together. And still do. Slowly I started realizing I was not really dying, but instead I was growing. If you can convince him to remember that its normal for a man to pull away. Without reason or cause a man can suddenly just pull away. Not even we know why. We usually blame you, or something else, but the fact is... its just our cycle.

When we come back after "losing love" for the one we care about, we suddenly realize hell we love them to death.

It's a natural cycle. Just like you girls get all emo for no reason... and then suddenly you are cool again. I hope this is just a cycle, but you will have to give him space if he asks for it. Then entertain yourself with some friends and family.

6 years is a very long engagement, and plenty of time to have established a dialog, or communications between you.

This disconnect needs talking about, in a calm manner to find out what is the root cause of his concerns.

Seems a lot of honest expressions of your feelings is needed between you, so after feelings are understood, solutions can be discussed. Look around, and see what's happening in your lives at the effects its having on you both.

The bottom line is keep talking, and working together. Then you can work through any problem life throws at you.

Thank you everyone for your replies, it means a great deal to me and they are very much appreciated.

A bit of an update and a long-winded one, sorry!

Last night he agreed to go home for a few days and speak to his parents about it all. At the end of the day I know they are going to be biased (even though we all get on extremely well, they are his parents!) but at least it is better than him just stewing.

I am just so confused. He keeps trying to explain how he's feeling but I just don't get it. He has said he loves me, feels protective and responsible for me, all of the usual things that you would expect your fiancé to feel for you. He refuses to let me remove our engagement ring (I have said he can give it me back as soon as he is sure how he feels) and he breaks down if I mention that maybe he just doesn't love me in that way anymore. He won't even kiss me now (I think for fear of misleading me) and he keeps going on about what will I do if we split up. Maybe I am focusing on the negatives, I don't know. Maybe you are right Amicon, maybe I need to get off my own case? He does keep saying he is just not sure how he feels about everything either way, so maybe that's a positive, a start?

I haven't mentioned councilling again since him agreeing to go home for a few days but I think I will raise it before he goes so that it could open up at least another line of communication between us, it would be an option.

I also suggested me staying with a friend next week as I strongly feel that some space might do him good. It will kill me but I don't think he can think objectively whilst Im around. He was vaguly receptive to the idea which I'm not sure is a good or bad sign but if there is a chance it will help I will do it.

I just don't know what else to do I have never been in this situation before, for that matter, neither has he. We have never been away from one another in 6 years.

Amicon - I am seriously thinking of trying to get some councilling which ever way it turns out. I have had berevemant therapy in the past and I can't ever thank the guy enough for what he did, he help me change my life.

LJDK - I really hope that you are right and that this is some kind of male crisis thing!

talaniman - We have been together for 6 years and engaged just over a year, sorry, wasn't very clear there. We have been locked in a cycle whereby he has genuinely tried to tell me how he feels but I have stuck my head in the sand. I am not sure if we are at breaking point or if it has broken. We also bicker a lot. He has a quick temper and nit-picks, I am quick to get defensive and shut down, add to that that we are both stubborn and hey presto! I think this, along with a lack of emotional intimacy on my part are the main problems.

Well the problem is he doesn't know hhow he feels about u because maybe you have to show him. He says what will u do if we split up, That seems like big brother talk to me. Don't keep reminding him about the situation because it will make him feel worse get off topic and just hang out with him like it used to be when you first met and realized u loved each other.

Putting some space between the two of you sounds like a good idea.
I don't know if it's too late for you,but your communication skills really need working on,don't you think?

I hope you come back and update us.
Take care Mouse.

I have things that I know I need to address, particularly communication and emotional availability, irrelavant of whether we stay together or not. I really have got to stop letting the past dictated what is happening now. There is a councilling facility at my uni so Im going try and book in there on Monday to see if that might help us/me.

I am trying to step up to the plate and once and for all sort myself out, I just really hope its not too late.

He still hasn't got back from work yet so I can't offer anymore real updates other than me worrying.

Thanks guys x

Good luck with the uni counciling on Monday-be kind to and patient with yourself,it takes time to change issues that need changing.

Well last night was bizarre.

We had a talk before he went home to his mum and dads. I told him everything, things that I should have said a long time ago, and acknowledged things that I should have taken on board that he is not right with. I told him to not worry and that if he wants us to carry on we can go as slow as he wants, if not, then he can't stay with me because he is worried that I have no one (as I have already said he keeps going on about it, I know he is worried about this), it wouldn't be fair on either of us.

I told him that I am going to get specific councilling for certain issues that I know I have, and that I would really like us to go to couples therapy.

I told him that I was going to stay with a friend next week because he needs space away from me to do some soul searching and that its not fair on either of us being around each other while he is unsure. He is constantly aware of my needs and feels quilty around me, I read anything and nothing into every word he utters and every gesture he makes. I said I wouldn't contact him but I would be here for him no matter what the time, if he wants to talk with me about stuff then I will be here.

He didn't really say all that much, just that he wants the same things as me he is just not sure he can do it. We both cried lots as expected but as soon as I said I was going to stay with a friend next week he broke down asking why was I leaving him and that he doesn't want me to go but that he also doesn't want to be around me??

How sad am I but it is 14 hours since he went and I am barely hanging on. I have no idea what to make of what he said, he is sending me such conflicting messages.

Am I doing the right thing by going away from him for a week?

How the hell do you cope with a no contact situation? I keep picking my phone up, sure I might have missed a text message from him and then I break because there is nothing. Im trying to keep busy but I am going up the wall.

Thanks

Xx

I think you stick to your decision tough as it is.
Keeping super busy will help.

Come tomorrow you'll have the counciling to sort out,which is good as that means you are in charge of making changes in your life.

I know you're right amicon.

Whatever happens Im the one who has to sort myself out. I think I have been hiding behind my fiancé too much and he has been letting me.

I guess I am just going to have to find myself some more cleaning to try and keep myself occupied.

Thanks x

Clean,cook,sort out your wardrobe-watch some good dvds-go for a long walk-have a pampering day-I can go on forever.
Do the things you LIKE doing.

Your supposed to be taking time apart, and no contact does not apply, but LESS contact does. Your not breaking up, just doing your own things for a while.

So don't torture each other, a brief conversation every now, and then, is acceptable, its just the everyday a few times a day texting that's completely out.

It is through developing the lines of communications that you get on the same page. Its really harder than you think, but the cornerstone of any relationship.